How Do You Deal With the Toxic/Negative People in Your Live?

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  • 150poundsofme
    150poundsofme Posts: 523 Member
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    Give him telephone numbers for housekeepers. Let him call and make an appointment to clean his house for every other week. If he can see well enough, he can make the phone call himself and also pay for the cleaner. Also I am sure there must be transportation for him to go to the doctors - many towns have it for the disable or even for just seniors. Give him the phone number for these transportation places and have him make the reservations whenever he has a doctor appointment. Then you can just visit him whenever. The transportation is usually free or maybe like $2.00. Give yourself you back. Tell him you have plans, work, your own doctors etc. Hugs
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 27,988 Member
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    wellthenwhat wrote: »
    I don't allow them to treat me that way. Your dad is abusing you, but bottom line, you allow him to do it. Every time he says something like that, tell him he either has the option to stop it right now, or you are leaving. Then stick with it! Learn to say things like. "I don't want to." "that doesn't work for me" "No" "I am not interested" and most importantly, "The way you are talking to me is not acceptable. I will not allow you to abuse me like that. If you cannot speak to me respectfully, then I will need to leave." My dad is also like this, but he doesn't abuse me, and we have a smooth topical relationship because I never allow him to use me like that.

    I had a friend who had success using this method with her father. However, they just had a long distance relationship, so all she had to do was hang up on him.
  • Afura
    Afura Posts: 2,054 Member
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    My dad is verbally abusive as well, he's mentally better now (for now...) and when I lived more local we would have yelling matches, he repossessed a car (it was in his name, I was paying but had been unemployed) a week before Christmas, I've been removed from the will more times than I can remember. There were times I dreaded talking to him on the phone (it's his birthday, I have a certain sense of unease of calling him today actually). I've always thought he had bipolar issues, but of course since he didn't see a problem and was always nice to Dr's, no one would ever take me at my word. So not the same situation, but I get where you're coming from on this.

    There's a certain sense of guilt and feeling of responsibility that society puts on us to care for our elders, and as @ronjsteele1 said, Christian charity. I'd definitely see if he'd be willing to have a housekeeper or at least weaning off his demands. I'd also think about speaking to a professional about these issues, because IMO they always leave something behind. Plus with all that you've had in your life, it's nice to talk to someone just to get the load off.

    You have to live your life. I'm not saying of course to never be there for him, but you have a right to get sleep, heal from surgery/hospital stays, and not worry about what he'll demand the next time he calls. There is nothing wrong with disconnecting yourself from a situation that harms you.
  • crooked_left_hook
    crooked_left_hook Posts: 364 Member
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    ahoy_m8 wrote: »
    ^^ I agree with all of this except one point -- whether or not to contribute financially to a parent's care is a choice, not an obligation.

    Agreed!!! When my dad checked into rehab for the 4th time and almost lost his marriage and home, my brother called trying to rally me to help take care of him. My answer was "Nope, he's on his own this time." I'm done living my life for people who just want to die.
  • lucypstacy
    lucypstacy Posts: 178 Member
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    Thank you to everyone for the advice. Sometimes, it bothers me more than others, and having to be out so late made it very upsetting today. I do need to take action and set boundaries. Easier said than done, but I still have to.
  • savithny
    savithny Posts: 1,200 Member
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    I hadn't seen the long story about the hospital and the dropped pizza when I posted earlier.

    The other thing to start working on is to answer requests with either "Yes, I can do that," or "No, I can't do that" or "I can't do it now but I can do it at X time."

    He asked you to come and pick up the pizza he'd dropped. You said you didn't feel like it. Because you didn't feel good! BUT: that introduces the idea of this being about feelings, and also implies that your feelings can change. Try to start answering those sorts of demands with either "Okay, I can do that, I will be over at 2" or "I'm sorry, I can't do that today." It takes away the negotiating power he thinks he has (or at least lessens it).
  • Afura
    Afura Posts: 2,054 Member
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    lucypstacy wrote: »
    Thank you to everyone for the advice. Sometimes, it bothers me more than others, and having to be out so late made it very upsetting today. I do need to take action and set boundaries. Easier said than done, but I still have to.

    When you've done something for so long, changing that is difficult especially when dealing with a manipulator. Stay strong to the changes you decide to make.
  • melaniedscott
    melaniedscott Posts: 1,344 Member
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    He is poisoning you. If someone was putting arsenic in your coffee, I expect you would the police and not let them near your food or beverages. You can walk away. You choose not to. An honest, direct conversation is in order. This is your behavior. This is how it affects me. Your behavior is hurting me. I need you to stop. If this behavior does not stop, this will be the result (I will stop helping you).

    Stick to it. Every time you allow the behavior, you tell him it is okay. Make it clear...this is not okay.
  • melaniedscott
    melaniedscott Posts: 1,344 Member
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    jenilla1 wrote: »
    How do I deal with toxic people? I don't enable their bad behavior. I cut them out. (And yes, I have done this and it was the most amazing gift I've ever given myself. What a relief, and so empowering.) I don't need anybody in my life who tears me down, and I don't owe anybody who treats me badly any favors.

    This. I cut both my parents out of my life 16 years ago. Second best choice I ever made. My life went from a constant litany of criticism and abuse to...peace. When I still spoke to them, I was an emotinal mess constantly. Now, I'm not...Marrying my husband was the best one...seriously, if he will not cease the abuse, call the department on aging for your community and tell them he needs care and you are no longer able to provide it.
  • BedsideTableKangaroo
    BedsideTableKangaroo Posts: 736 Member
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    i would do everything in my power to get a caregiver service to go to his house a couple times a week. at least they'd get paid to be abused. you need to make yourself the top priority, and the way he makes you feel is not helpful at all.
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
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    Madwife2009 wrote: »
    ...

    I'd always been taught that family came first and foremost so I carried on the relationships...

    That's how they guilt you into sticking around and putting up with their B.S. You'd never let a stranger treat you that way, right?
    ...I don't miss them. I don't want them in my life. I don't need them in my life. They were a complete pain to me, my entire life. My life is better without them. Getting rid of them was liberating...You only get one shot of life, so make the most of it, even if that means cutting people loose. Best thing I ever did (after marrying DH <3 and having children).

    Good for you! Family should love, support and lift one another up, otherwise, what's the point of it? If there is nothing more bonding you together than DNA and some bad memories, why cultivate that? Make your own family and fill it with kindness. <3
  • Psychgrrl
    Psychgrrl Posts: 3,177 Member
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    lucypstacy wrote: »
    The problem with getting people to help him is that he thinks he knows more than them. He went to a doctor recently who told him he needed more exercise because he's starting to have trouble walking due to his weight and gout. He said that the doctor didn't know what he was talking about. He is going to physical therapy now, but he won't do the exercises at home. I try to get him to go out and do more, although it's difficult. He likes fishing, so I can at least get him to go to the lake.

    I'm not sure why I feel this responsible. I guess it's because I'm his only child. He was also the youngest in his family, so they're mostly gone, and he never connected with his nieces or nephews. This all really started last November. He had sepsis so bad that it had affected his mind, and I drove to his house (at that time he lived like 100 miles away) and took him to the hospital. They wanted to stick him in a veteran's nursing home, but I didn't want that. I didn't think his confused state was permanent (it wasn't), and I'd heard horrible things about that nursing home. Since then, he moved closer. I'm supposed to go to his house once a week, but I'm there 3-4. Last night he called after six to tell him his second ex-wife (my former stepmother not my mom) was in the hospital and he was worried about his dog because his ex's brother wants to get rid of her. I drove him up there to get the dog and ended up at walmart at midnight buying dog food. I didn't get home until after 2am. That's really typical for him.

    He tells people I'm a bad daughter all the time, so I know I should walk away, but I really can't do that.

    Then for your own sanity and well-being, I'd figure out what limits you can set in your interactions with him. Including how much you'll be available in-person (what type of restaurant) and on the phone. Set his number to "do not disturb" after a certain time of day, every day, and let him know you won't be available. If he has a medical emergency, 911 needs to be called before you anyway. If he berates you, then tell him you're not going out to eat with him unless he's respectful. If he acts like a child, then treat him like a child and take his ball away. He has a choice as to how he treats you. As long as he feels he's getting away with the bad behavior, it will continue.

    Maybe some counseling for yourself. You're making choices which allow the abuse to continue at the level it is. You have the power to lessen its impact and hold on your life without feeling as though you're abandoning your dad.
  • Psychgrrl
    Psychgrrl Posts: 3,177 Member
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    lucypstacy wrote: »
    Thank you to everyone for the advice. Sometimes, it bothers me more than others, and having to be out so late made it very upsetting today. I do need to take action and set boundaries. Easier said than done, but I still have to.

    I think that's the exact point a lot of us are trying to make--you didn't HAVE to be out so late. You chose to do so. You have a right to take care of yourself, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, no matter how he acts or what he says. You just need to believe it and be willing to act on it. :heart:
  • cmtigger
    cmtigger Posts: 1,450 Member
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    My father is like that too. Currently I don't tell him what I'm eating and if he questions my diet I go back with science. Right now he's only in his 60's and my mom and him are fine. Hopefully my siblings and I can split it when he does need more help.

    It might help to read some books like Boundaries to work on some strategies. It helped me.
  • bee_bee8
    bee_bee8 Posts: 96 Member
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    So much good advice... I don't have much to add but just want to offer empathy and support. I was in a toxic relationship for years and it can be so hard to set boundaries, I can't imagine if it was my own parent. The best thing about this situation is it sounds like you have all the real leverage. He can try to guilt trip you, but you have much more control in this relationship than he does, you just have to use it. It'll be hard at first, but start setting more reasonable expectations for your relationship. Refuse to drop everything to help him with trivial problems (which it sounds like you've been able to do in the past - good job). When you're with him and he says something terrible, look at him and, with a mildly surprised expression, say "What a hurtful and unnecessary thing to say." If he continues to berate you, remove yourself from his presence. Another small perk about this situation is it sounds like he wouldn't be able to physically overpower you to keep you from leaving, so the only thing really standing in your way is yourself.
    It's so so hard, I know. If you can afford it, go see a therapist for at least a few sessions to get some professional advice. Toxic people like your father will take advantage of you for as long as they can, and will resort to crazier and crazier methods of keeping you attached. Be strong, find your support system, and just try to live your best life <3

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