How Do You Deal With the Toxic/Negative People in Your Live?
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lucypstacy wrote: »Dad is abusive. I recognize that much, and he has been my entire life. He's a diagnosed narcissist, so part of his personality is to put people down. I sort of accept that, and try not to to let it get to me. There are times that's not as easy though.
I think it stems from his own weight. He's around 330lbs, but insists he's losing so much weight that doctors are worried. I do have issues, and I'm working slowly but surely to get my weight under control. He just makes it difficult.
And the end of the phone conversation is that he wants me to take him to a steak house tomorrow. The pattern continues.
Because of this, you can't take anything he says seriously.
I'd have been out of that situation as soon as I was able to leave home. No one gets to mess with my mental health like that.
When you have been raised by toxic parents it's really hard to totally leave.0 -
lucypstacy wrote: »Dad is abusive. I recognize that much, and he has been my entire life. He's a diagnosed narcissist, so part of his personality is to put people down. I sort of accept that, and try not to to let it get to me. There are times that's not as easy though.
I think it stems from his own weight. He's around 330lbs, but insists he's losing so much weight that doctors are worried. I do have issues, and I'm working slowly but surely to get my weight under control. He just makes it difficult.
And the end of the phone conversation is that he wants me to take him to a steak house tomorrow. The pattern continues.
Because of this, you can't take anything he says seriously.
I'd have been out of that situation as soon as I was able to leave home. No one gets to mess with my mental health like that.
When you have been raised by toxic parents it's really hard to totally leave.
Yeah, I believe it.0 -
I faced a similar situation only it was my mother and my older half-brother. I had a conversation with them about it and told them that things were gonna have to change if I was gonna stay in their life. I gave it a reasonable amount of time, and when things didn't change, I closed the door. It hurt like hell, especially when they died, but my life improved immeasurably. Even today I am still confident it was the right decision.15
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lucypstacy wrote: »Dad is abusive. I recognize that much, and he has been my entire life. He's a diagnosed narcissist, so part of his personality is to put people down. I sort of accept that, and try not to to let it get to me. There are times that's not as easy though.
I think it stems from his own weight. He's around 330lbs, but insists he's losing so much weight that doctors are worried. I do have issues, and I'm working slowly but surely to get my weight under control. He just makes it difficult.
And the end of the phone conversation is that he wants me to take him to a steak house tomorrow. The pattern continues.
Because of this, you can't take anything he says seriously.
I'd have been out of that situation as soon as I was able to leave home. No one gets to mess with my mental health like that.
When you have been raised by toxic parents it's really hard to totally leave.
The worst part of it, is you think you're the one that's the messed up one. When you finally break out of it and you realize you're actually better off, life improves. It's like the clouds move away and the sun starts to shine.15 -
DoneWorking wrote: »lucypstacy wrote: »Dad is abusive. I recognize that much, and he has been my entire life. He's a diagnosed narcissist, so part of his personality is to put people down. I sort of accept that, and try not to to let it get to me. There are times that's not as easy though.
I think it stems from his own weight. He's around 330lbs, but insists he's losing so much weight that doctors are worried. I do have issues, and I'm working slowly but surely to get my weight under control. He just makes it difficult.
And the end of the phone conversation is that he wants me to take him to a steak house tomorrow. The pattern continues.
Because of this, you can't take anything he says seriously.
I'd have been out of that situation as soon as I was able to leave home. No one gets to mess with my mental health like that.
When you have been raised by toxic parents it's really hard to totally leave.
The worst part of it, is you think you're the one that's the messed up one. When you finally break out of it and you realize you're actually better off, life improves. It's like the clouds move away and the sun starts to shine.
That is also how I would describe it. You spend your youth thinking YOU'RE the bad person, just as they trained you to do. Once you get the REAL bad person out of your life, you can finally breathe and you realize how awesome you really are. Life IS good.
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I think his first diagnosis was grandiosity or something like that, but that was when I was very young. He's goes to psychiatrists and counselors through Veteran's, but he actually thinks he has them fooled because he claims he can expertly fake anything he wants. NPD was the last diagnosis that I'm aware of.
I'm doing my best. I did help him yesterday and take him and his dog (his little dog too!) to his ex-wife. Later, we went out to eat at a steakhouse. I had chicken, small salad, and broccoli. He had a rack of ribs, coleslaw, baked beans, and rolls. Sure enough, he told me I was eating way too much. I flat out told him that he was hurting my feelings, and I know I hadn't eaten too much. He 'apologized' for me being too sensitive.
I am pulling back quite a bit. I do have to be with him tomorrow, and this is a 'have to' situation. I have my appointment at the transplant center, my car isn't running well, and he's the only ride I can get. Well, really I drive his car, but at least I can get to the doctor. Since these appointments literally hours usually, we'll be eating out again. I'll ignore him if he says anything. Just some times, I'm more sensitive than others.
Today, I'm back to feeling sorry for him. He's so blind really to everything around him. Oh, and by 'sorry,' I mean I recognize that he has an issue. I still know he has no right to be mean to me.6 -
My father passed away some years ago, but after my mom died, I was the only one who cleaned house for him, took him shopping, etc. He would always say things to hurt my feelings & I would have a good cry when I got home, very stressful. For me personally, a friend told me when he says hateful things, just say under my breath, "I don't receive that in the name of Jesus" I am a christian, so it's not a "magic" anything, it's just affirming it in a whisper that it won't get under my skin. For me, it made the world of a difference. Some time after doing this, I started seeing him in a different light, that he was coming from his own pain & that he really did love me, just didn't act it in the way I could feel it. By the time he died, my bitterness against him was gone & I am so glad I got to see him from a different point of view & why he was that way.0
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A lot of people here are coming at this thread projecting their own family situations.
To the OP, was your father clinically diagnosed with NPD?
Have you tried learning how to properly set and enforce boundaries with your dad? If if it's likely to fail, it's still a personal skill worth developing.
Good point. The boundaries are for YOUR sake, so that YOU feel good about your choices about when and how much --or whether--to be around him. Sad reality: whatever you do, it will not be enough for a NPD. He will still coerce/manipulate you with fear of his rant to get you to do more. And he'll still talk bad about you, no matter what you do. So make a choice YOU feel good about.
And very true, in healthy relationships, people LOOOVE being around others who set clear boundaries. You know where you stand and that feels good. Sadly, kids of narcissists don't learn to set boundaries. Boundaries piss off narcissists. Healthy people will really appreciate your boundaries, though. It's totally worth investing in yourself to strengthen that skill.5 -
There are a few really good books that I would highly recommend. One is called, the gaslight effect, and it's about dealing with people like your dad. The other is, beautiful you: a daily guide to radical self acceptance. Remember that his malice isn't about you. He needs to break you down in order to support his own sense of self. He's probably secretly terrified of his own helplessness and inadequacy and taking it out on you. It is totally okay to tell him when you're done listening and he needs to shut up. A relationship with you is a privilege not a right.3
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I respect that you take care of him. Our parents are our parents. Have you told him how his comments make you feel? Sometimes people are insensitive and don't even think about it. My suspicion is that this is not the case. His comments aren't appropriate, respectful, or healthy. If you haven't talked to him about it, I would. I'd give him one chance to stop. Then I would never eat with him again. You don't need to allow anyone to demean you. Not anyone. Some people we can cut out of our lives. Those we cannot or choose not to, we don't enable. He doesn't get to hurt you.
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OP - So I have been thinking about this a little the past few days (probably still carrying a little guilt of my own around) and I was wondering if when he starts in, could you just say "Dad, I don't like the way you're treating me right now (Explain what he's doing) and I'm going home. We'll try it again tomorrow." Whatever you're doing for him, just stop and go home. If you're taking him somewhere turn around, take him home and go home yourself. If you're cooking something, turn off the stove and go home. He will probably be pretty upset, but after you do it a few times and he sees you're serious and will keep doing it, I'm thinking he just might stop. The trick is gonna be making him understand what you don't like. What do you think?7
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@DoneWorking Your suggestion is really good.
I've been thinking about this and OP a lot too. It's so rough and unfair to be put in a position like she described.
My love to her and you.
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lucypstacy wrote: »of.
I'm doing my best. I did help him yesterday and take him and his dog (his little dog too!) to his ex-wife. Later, we went out to eat at a steakhouse. I had chicken, small salad, and broccoli. He had a rack of ribs, coleslaw, baked beans, and rolls. Sure enough, he told me I was eating way too much. I flat out told him that he was hurting my feelings, and I know I hadn't eaten too much. He 'apologized' for me being too sensitive.
quote]
The " 'apologized' for you being too sensitive" jumps out at me. Right there was the point I'd have been saying see you later and walking out the door. "If you cannot respect me as a person, and therefore respect my feelings, I will no longer be spending time with you, because as a person, I refuse to subject myself to such abuse.0 -
lucypstacy wrote: »I know he won't change. Only I can change. It's not always easy because this has been a life long struggle. When I tell him to back off, that's when I get the comments about how I'm mean and hateful. Honestly, I do have a shorter temper when I'm with him because I'm already on edge.
I just can't let him derail me.
You're here asking for advice but when people make suggestions you have excuses as to why you can't do any of those things. Bottom line is, if you know you need to change you actually have to do it.
Who cares if he calls you mean and hateful?
People like him always start whipping out the insults when things stop going their way.
Basically he's conditioned you to be a doormat. And there are only two ways to handle this.. separate yourself from the problem or change how you behave around him, stop giving in etc. And with this option, he's going to get meaner before he gets nicer. Bullies will always try to force you back into your familiar role.
Exactly! I was in a similar situation with my dad. Growing up, a dad is supposed to tell his little girl that she can be whatever she wants to be, she is a princess to be treated like royalty, she is beautiful, etc etc etc. All is got to hear was that I was going to end up 400 lbs like my mama, I'm never going to find a good man if I don't lose weight, why can't you be skinny like your cousins? The list goes on and on. I had my first child at 18, and when she was 4 months old, he called her fat and said she was going to end up and fat as me. I cut all ties with him RIGHT THEN. I was raises by a mother who was "conditioned to be a doormat" but my strength that day surprised me. None of us asked to be born, we don't always owe our parents ANYTHING UNLESS WE WANT TO. I'm not saying it's ok to be a jerk to your parents just because you want to, I'm saying that if they're abusive and have a negative impact on your life, it's ok to cut them off completely. Sorry for the long rant, but your story hits close to home!3 -
caroldavison332 wrote: »
Also, we are only given so many damns in this lifetime, so learn to conserve yours.
That's awesome! I'm going to have to use that!2 -
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Have you considered assisted living?0
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you need to put your foot down and tell him you won't help him if he continues to talk to you that way. Being your father isn't an excuse for him to be a complete jerk to you. No one deserves that..... if he continues you don't have to cut him off completely but I would limit interaction with him and tone him out...1
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I just noticed that I wrote 'Live' instead of 'Life.' The English teacher in me is groaning.
I actually am doing better with my father. He tried the controlling crap yesterday (it's a long story), but I didn't let him. I was upset, and I even cried, but I was glad I said no to him. It's still hard, but I'm taking steps.
One thing that I don't think I've said is that a lot of this started after he nearly died from sepsis. He lived about 100 miles away at the time. He called, and he was completely out of his head, so I rushed to him to take him to the hospital. He nearly died, and now I'm terrified the one time I don't come running will be the time he's really sick again.
Still, I rationally know I can't let him continue to control me and make me sick. Last time I ate with him, I took my food on the far side of the restaurant so that he couldn't watch me eat.3 -
lucypstacy wrote: »I just noticed that I wrote 'Live' instead of 'Life.' The English teacher in me is groaning.
I actually am doing better with my father. He tried the controlling crap yesterday (it's a long story), but I didn't let him. I was upset, and I even cried, but I was glad I said no to him. It's still hard, but I'm taking steps.
One thing that I don't think I've said is that a lot of this started after he nearly died from sepsis. He lived about 100 miles away at the time. He called, and he was completely out of his head, so I rushed to him to take him to the hospital. He nearly died, and now I'm terrified the one time I don't come running will be the time he's really sick again.
Still, I rationally know I can't let him continue to control me and make me sick. Last time I ate with him, I took my food on the far side of the restaurant so that he couldn't watch me eat.
You have a big heart. That is blatant to see. I can see it a millions miles away and without even knowing you.
but the hard truth is, you are letting yourself waste away. You can't be there for anyone else, if the pillars you lean are weak in themself. He is making you weaker by the day. Some days you feel stronger than others, sure I understand that. You feel responsible, especially as an only child, I understand that more than you know. You feel as if you probably wont be able to live with yourself if you abandoned him.
Truth is, you can and you have to. I'm not saying disappear in the night (as I did with my own toxic narcissistic father), but you really ought to look into third party care. I know you don't want that burden on someone else, but someone outside of the family will really be able to deal with him from a less emotional point of view. They wont have connection to him, his insults wont affect them as they are trained and probably experienced in this already, and they can give the help he needs, without pushing you to the brink.
You can't keep this up in this way. Its like just waiting for him to die before you allow yourself the relief of living a happy life. You dread to see him, take some of the burden off of yourself. YOU deserve this. He's not going to remember these things down the road once in a better place, he wont hold this grudge on you after he passes.
But we dont get years and years guaranteed to us. Not even days or minutes. Why waste a single one feeling as down as this, because of a blood bond. He's not the man he use to be. You have to do whats best for the BOTH of you.
You can do this. You are strong. You are wise. You are not a door mat and you ARE capable.
You can totally disregard my advice if you don't agree, but this is coming from the daughter of a man who was nearly the same. One I have NO contact with whatsoever. One who has tried tricking me, blaming me, accusing me, guilting me in every way possible. I have a bit of a sense of how this all feels. I had to make the decision, and it saved my life. My world is so totally different now, I just wish for you to see the same sun I now see.5
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