Is my marriage depressing me or is my depression ruining my marriage?
Nicoleybh77
Posts: 10 Member
Seriously. We've been together 13 years. Have a beautiful daughter together. He loves me so much. But I'm so so unhappy. What's wrong with me??
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Replies
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How would we know? You should see a counselor.
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Nikitazilla wrote: »How would we know? You should see a counselor.
Yes. See a counselor.0 -
Agreed with above. I would seek individual counseling as well as marriage counseling if you are unhappy in your marriage.
I will say this though as someone who suffers from depression - it can and will seep into everything.5 -
Again as mentioned see a professional. Had a friend of mine who was married for 10 years and 2 kids. Finally admitted he was unhappy because he was really attracted to men after seeing a therapist. Now is happy living with another man.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
5 -
Again as mentioned see a professional. Had a friend of mine who was married for 10 years and 2 kids. Finally admitted he was unhappy because he was really attracted to men after seeing a therapist. Now is happy living with another man.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
Therapists make you gay:-)13 -
Nicoleybh77 wrote: »Seriously. We've been together 13 years. Have a beautiful daughter together. He loves me so much. But I'm so so unhappy. What's wrong with me??
Wow lady, this is the wrong place to ask for advice like that.2 -
@Nicoleybh77 wrote: »Seriously. We've been together 13 years. Have a beautiful daughter together. He loves me so much. But I'm so so unhappy. What's wrong with me??
Are you wanting us to make a list?2 -
@Ironandwine69 wrote: »Again as mentioned see a professional. Had a friend of mine who was married for 10 years and 2 kids. Finally admitted he was unhappy because he was really attracted to men after seeing a therapist. Now is happy living with another man.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
Therapists make you gay:-)
Line of the year, right there.1 -
Happiness comes from within , sweetness!! Keep your marriage, ****save the divorce court money*** TRUST this advice!! Anyways...hit the gym, buy new clothes, get hair / nails did and get professional SEXY photography done (Boudoir) for yourself, .....get more vitamin D in your system..( SUNSHINE ) or tanning? You're probably the type who takes care of everyone else first before yourself..guessing..I don't know you but maybe it's time you take some time to do something for YOURSELF for a change...?6
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From the clue you gave, it appears he loves you. So you're wondering if you don't love him or is it self-sabotage. There are no easy Internet answers from your fitness friends.1
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Talk to your doctor about depression.
Get treatment for depression.
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression/index.shtml
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Sounds like you should talk with your husband first and foremost. I know everyone is saying talk to a professional for help but I'd start out talking to him first. He is your husband and you said he loves you so much. He should know how you feel.2
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Nicoleybh77 wrote: »Seriously. We've been together 13 years. Have a beautiful daughter together. He loves me so much. But I'm so so unhappy. What's wrong with me??
I think you need some time to think about what you really want in life. Maybe you just don't love him like you used to. Maybe you need more of something. Or maybe you aren't happy with yourself, and he is the scapegoat? I have suffered a lot of these same things in my marriage.1 -
Buy a new vibrator. Cheaper than therapy...3
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FireTurtle75 wrote: »Buy a new vibrator. Cheaper than therapy...
lol, a lot of truth to that... haha1 -
13 yrs is a long time and people can grow apart and change a lot within that time frame. Perhaps it's time to reassess things? Have a nice chat over some wine (or whatever) and really discuss your feelings? It may also be time to try some marriage counseling.1
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In on the daily new member "My relationship sucks" thread.6
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Who we are now is not who we were then. We have grown and continue to grow even after we are married and have kids. Sometimes what we wanted 10 or 20 years ago isn't what we want now.
In my first marriage I changed myself (as is often the case) to fit into my husband's life and I over accommodated him. But, as my child got older, I realized that I wanted more out of my marriage and out of my partner, things that unfortunately he was unable to give me. So we parted.
In my second marriage the relationship is more balanced. We have our own interests, our shared interests, and, we balance one another. I still "take care" of him, but, what I get in return is so much more in terms the things we enjoy doing together. I also want to mention that before me he was never married and he made me promise to accept him as he was and to not try and change him. I promised that and while it is sometimes frustrating, it was our agreement.
We often go into relationships when we are young with the idea that we have to "love" all the things our husband does (when we don't) and we have to dress and act a certain way that isn't who we are to get and keep a man.
Right there we have set ourselves up for a failed relationship because he falls in love with the person we are pretending to be so that he will like us and we are not being our genuine selves. Over time, like a snake's skin, we outgrow that costume and we have to shed it. Once we've shed it and are truer to who we really are (if we are even able to find our real selves without professional help) our dear husband looks at us and says, "Who the "kitten" are you, lady, and where the heck is my wife!?!"
I don't know your situation, but, figuring out that part (are you where you wanted to be both with yourself and your marriage) may determine if you are depressed because of your situation or because of something else with a physical cause.
Step 1: Make a list of the things you LOVE about your life; Of the things you LOVE, what can you do more of? Make a list of the things you HATE about your life; Of the things you HATE, what do you have the power to change? Create an action plan to address those things. Break these things down into actionable steps.
Ref: https://womenslearningstudio.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/Find-Your-Passion-follow-your-bliss.pdf
Step 2: Get a physical from a doctor that is going to spend more than 15 minutes with you, preferably someone with a background in hormonal management. Your hormones can make you crazy and make you hate your life. When my estrogen is low, the sound of my husband chewing makes me want to kill him... just saying.
Ref:
http://www.saragottfriedmd.com/why-do-i-feel-disconnected-the-cortisol-oxytocin-connection/
https://stopthethyroidmadness.com/things-we-have-learned/
https://www.yourhormones.com/signs-symptoms/
You want a doctor that will work with you to balance your hormones, check your thyroid (based on your symptoms, not your blood tests), and possibly also prescribe something to support your adrenals.
Step 3: Based on the lists you made in Step 1 reach out to a trusted friend or mentor (if you don't have one get one) and bounce off some of the ideas that came up as a result of the exercise just so you have some support for these new ideas.
Step 4: All things being "normal", then maybe it's time to find a therapist and possibly get some medication. Because you do have a child together, assuming that he's not abusing you, also consider seeing a marriage counselor to help you two discover what you need to make the marriage to work. Just because it's working for him doesn't mean that it's working. It needs to work for both of you. Negotiating a new baseline for couples is what a gifted therapist does.
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Talk to someone with an office and a nameplate with an alphabet soup of letters after their name. We of the world wide internet can tell you about someone we heard about on tv, but you deserve more focused and more accountable diagnosis than we can offer.1
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Lower your expectations2
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I get that probably few if any of us are qualified to give mental health and relationship advice, but I don't see any harm in asking a bunch of random people their opinions. If you asked a friend or coworker it would be the same, except a bunch of strangers may be more unbiased because we don't know her.4
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Ironandwine69 wrote: »
Therapists make you gay:-)
I can't stop laughing....0 -
Don't know what to tell you. Just the thought of ever being married again is enough to make me depressed.2
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If you are truly depressed you should seek help for that.
After that is addressed, if you still feel the same way you should consider the idea that you deserve to be happy and that a relationship with one sided love may not be fair to you (ask yourself how you feel about that) and your husband (ask him what he thinks).
Your question suggests that it is not ok to you. So...marriage counseling, divorce or be unhappy.
It is ok to change your mind, or not be in love with someone anymore, people, relationships and situations can change.1 -
3
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bigmuneymfp wrote: »Lower your expectations
The key to happiness...0 -
See therapist and regular doctor, if your doctor is willing to talk about medications. I get my head meds through my family doctor and then there is the therapist who isn't licensed to prescribe RX.0
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See a therapist and psychiatrist.
One to talk about your problems.
One to get drugs to help you with depression (it's not a perfect science and takes time).
After years of therapy and mixing and matching multiple dosages and combinations of anti-anxiety and anti-depression meds I finally came to the conclusion that my marriage was the source of my depression.
I ended it.
I'm happier now.
Is that right for everyone? For you? For YOUR family?
It's not for anyone here to say really. That's a question only you yourself can answer. And unfortunately most of that answer will only come in hindsight if it was or wasn't the correct decision.
(p.s. my therapist didn't turn me gay. But my marriage taught me a whole lot about why marriage is a bad idea.)1 -
MrsBeccaM5 wrote: »bigmuneymfp wrote: »Lower your expectations
The key to happiness...
Hey you're pretty awesome wife from what I've seen lol1 -
Carillon_Campanello wrote: »See a therapist and psychiatrist.
One to talk about your problems.
One to get drugs to help you with depression (it's not a perfect science and takes time).
After years of therapy and mixing and matching multiple dosages and combinations of anti-anxiety and anti-depression meds I finally came to the conclusion that my marriage was the source of my depression.
I ended it.
I'm happier now.
Is that right for everyone? For you? For YOUR family?
It's not for anyone here to say really. That's a question only you yourself can answer. And unfortunately most of that answer will only come in hindsight if it was or wasn't the correct decision.
(p.s. my therapist didn't turn me gay. But my marriage taught me a whole lot about why marriage is a bad idea.)
This is exactly my story too. Depression is a tricky thing and it will infiltrate every area of your life and a good therapist will be able to help you figure out the answer to your question.1
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