Is my marriage depressing me or is my depression ruining my marriage?

Again as mentioned see a professional. Had a friend of mine who was married for 10 years and 2 kids. Finally admitted he was unhappy because he was really attracted to men after seeing a therapist. Now is happy living with another man.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

Who we are now is not who we were then. We have grown and continue to grow even after we are married and have kids. Sometimes what we wanted 10 or 20 years ago isn't what we want now.

In my first marriage I changed myself (as is often the case) to fit into my husband's life and I over accommodated him. But, as my child got older, I realized that I wanted more out of my marriage and out of my partner, things that unfortunately he was unable to give me. So we parted.

In my second marriage the relationship is more balanced. We have our own interests, our shared interests, and, we balance one another. I still "take care" of him, but, what I get in return is so much more in terms the things we enjoy doing together. I also want to mention that before me he was never married and he made me promise to accept him as he was and to not try and change him. I promised that and while it is sometimes frustrating, it was our agreement.

We often go into relationships when we are young with the idea that we have to "love" all the things our husband does (when we don't) and we have to dress and act a certain way that isn't who we are to get and keep a man.

Right there we have set ourselves up for a failed relationship because he falls in love with the person we are pretending to be so that he will like us and we are not being our genuine selves. Over time, like a snake's skin, we outgrow that costume and we have to shed it. Once we've shed it and are truer to who we really are (if we are even able to find our real selves without professional help) our dear husband looks at us and says, "Who the "kitten" are you, lady, and where the heck is my wife!?!"

I don't know your situation, but, figuring out that part (are you where you wanted to be both with yourself and your marriage) may determine if you are depressed because of your situation or because of something else with a physical cause.

Step 1: Make a list of the things you LOVE about your life; Of the things you LOVE, what can you do more of? Make a list of the things you HATE about your life; Of the things you HATE, what do you have the power to change? Create an action plan to address those things. Break these things down into actionable steps.

Ref: https://womenslearningstudio.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/Find-Your-Passion-follow-your-bliss.pdf

Step 2: Get a physical from a doctor that is going to spend more than 15 minutes with you, preferably someone with a background in hormonal management. Your hormones can make you crazy and make you hate your life. When my estrogen is low, the sound of my husband chewing makes me want to kill him... just saying.

Ref:
http://www.saragottfriedmd.com/why-do-i-feel-disconnected-the-cortisol-oxytocin-connection/
https://stopthethyroidmadness.com/things-we-have-learned/
https://www.yourhormones.com/signs-symptoms/

You want a doctor that will work with you to balance your hormones, check your thyroid (based on your symptoms, not your blood tests), and possibly also prescribe something to support your adrenals.

Step 3: Based on the lists you made in Step 1 reach out to a trusted friend or mentor (if you don't have one get one) and bounce off some of the ideas that came up as a result of the exercise just so you have some support for these new ideas.

Step 4: All things being "normal", then maybe it's time to find a therapist and possibly get some medication. Because you do have a child together, assuming that he's not abusing you, also consider seeing a marriage counselor to help you two discover what you need to make the marriage to work. Just because it's working for him doesn't mean that it's working. It needs to work for both of you. Negotiating a new baseline for couples is what a gifted therapist does.