11 year old & her parents asking/pressuring me to help her lose weight. I'm very uncomfortable
Replies
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1 - I dieted with my mom when I was 15 (I was very overweight and her as well)
2- what was dieting turned out into anorexia later and I new every food's calories by heart (lost 82 lbs)
3 - I would suggest that (since her parents are going to ruin her by making comments anyway) you try to lead her into the healthy eating as you said and maybe let her know that dessert can be fruits and yogurt more often and cakes only once in a while. PLEASE do not make her count calories. Let the parents know what you are doing.
4 - Start doing more physical activities outside with her?? and explain to her what it does to her body?3 -
I typed this out before then it disappeared so I'm sorry if it's a double post!
Food I make her is pretty well balanced. Lunch is often a sandwich or a burrito with healthy swaps. Sandwiches are basic like grilled chicken, lettuce, tomato, little mayo with a side of veggies and dip (dip is also proportione for her). Burrito would be those 100 calorie wraps with guacamole, black beans, chicken or pork, etc with a side of salsa. Dinner is also usually pretty standard, for example, today is lasagne with ground turkey meat and a side of veggies with dip.
For snacks, again, your usual: popcorn (she likes it plain with hot sauce so no butter or oil), yogurt, nuts, fruit. This week we baked brownie, so she gets one brownie a day that I divide in two. I give her half after lunch and half after dinner. I use healthier alternatives, lower calorie alternatives (even just for my sake because we sometimes eat the same food), and I serve her reasonable portions. If she wants seconds I usually offer her something else, another quick meal I can make her because most of the time she's not actually hungry when she wants seconds she just liked the food. So when I offer her eggs when she wants seconds of whatever I made she usually says no.
Candy isn't readily available at home but items like cereal and granola bars are. She also has a "money account" at school, even though I make her lunches during the school year. So she has my packed lunch and access to $500 worth of food at school as well that her parents reload when empties, but I don't know how fast she goes through that if she ever does.3 -
Sadly this little girl is going to need to speak with a therapist. Suggest that as well.4
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EllieElla2015 wrote: »So she has my packed lunch and access to $500 worth of food at school as well that her parents reload when empties, but I don't know how fast she goes through that if she ever does.
$500?! thats insane (I mean I'm from Britain so it might not be the same gig) but if she has access to that sort of money as well as a lunch nothing you can do will be able to stop her just snacking on sweets at school. I say to tell them to stop that, she's not old enough to be making $500 worth of food choices independently, if I had the access to that sort of cash at school I'd be eating chocolate, crisps and pop by the metric tonne. Just pack all the healthy snacks she needs for the day and get the parents to cut that off, they don't even need to tell her it's because shes overweight just that they're tightening their belts. They really need to take some responsibility here.
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Chef_Barbell wrote: »Sadly this little girl is going to need to speak with a therapist. Suggest that as well.
Yeah, I have to agree with this.
And that $500 food budget at school...do the parents get a printout?
I guess that wouldn't matter, I'm told that schools now have candy/juice/snack machines available. We didn't have access to food other than at lunchtime in school when I was growing up. We didn't even get choices for food, it was a set menu. Milk or water was the drink. No other choices. I think too much freedom is not good when it comes to money or snacks.2 -
cmriverside wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »Sadly this little girl is going to need to speak with a therapist. Suggest that as well.
Yeah, I have to agree with this.
And that $500 food budget at school...do the parents get a printout?
I guess that wouldn't matter, I'm told that schools now have candy/juice/snack machines available. We didn't have access to food other than at lunchtime in school when I was growing up. We didn't even get choices for food, it was a set menu. Milk or water was the drink. No other choices. I think too much freedom is not good when it comes to money or snacks.
I agree with this... we didn't get a choice of food until high school.0 -
Can you start making her meals and snacks more vegetable friendly and not so carb heavy without her even knowing? You are giving her a balanced meals and snacks but sometimes those carbs really stay with a person.7
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animatorswearbras wrote: »EllieElla2015 wrote: »So she has my packed lunch and access to $500 worth of food at school as well that her parents reload when empties, but I don't know how fast she goes through that if she ever does.
$500?! thats insane (I mean I'm from Britain so it might not be the same gig) but if she has access to that sort of money as well as a lunch nothing you can do will be able to stop her just snacking on sweets at school. I say to tell them to stop that, she's not old enough to be making $500 worth of food choices independently, if I had the access to that sort of cash at school I'd be eating chocolate, crisps and pop by the metric tonne. Just pack all the healthy snacks she needs for the day and get the parents to cut that off, they don't even need to tell her it's because shes overweight just that they're tightening their belts. They really need to take some responsibility here.
^^This.1 -
Here are their lunch choices:
Pizza
Chicken Patty
Nachos
Any specials (like meatloaf or pasta they make daily)
There's also a salad area.
They can also buy candy like gummy bears, chocolate, chips, doritos, etc but the lunch lady only lets them buy 2 different snacks with their lunch. Drinks are milk or juice0 -
EllieElla2015 wrote: »Here are their lunch choices:
Pizza
Chicken Patty
Nachos
Any specials (like meatloaf or pasta they make daily)
There's also a salad area.
They can also buy candy like gummy bears, chocolate, chips, doritos, etc but the lunch lady only lets them buy 2 different snacks with their lunch. Drinks are milk or juice
Even two snacks could be 500 calories plus. If you're sending her lunch and snacks, she doesn't need a food budget. The school meals...why did you mention them? If you pack her lunch? Is it possible she eats your lunch and then a school lunch too? She really needs to be cut off from that $$$.4 -
Even two snacks could be 500 calories plus. If you're sending her lunch and snacks, she doesn't need a food budget. The school meals...why did you mention them? If you pack her lunch? Is it possible she eats your lunch and then a school lunch too? She really needs to be cut off from that $$$.
I mentioned them because that's the food she has "access" to other than food I make her and I agree with this. I've considered the possibility of her buying snacks but she very well may be eating two lunches, or 1 and a half. I used to do that
I'll definitely bring this up to her parents because this seems like a good potential reason for her weight gain 6 -
cmriverside wrote: »EllieElla2015 wrote: »Here are their lunch choices:
Pizza
Chicken Patty
Nachos
Any specials (like meatloaf or pasta they make daily)
There's also a salad area.
They can also buy candy like gummy bears, chocolate, chips, doritos, etc but the lunch lady only lets them buy 2 different snacks with their lunch. Drinks are milk or juice
Even two snacks could be 500 calories plus. If you're sending her lunch and snacks, she doesn't need a food budget. The school meals...why did you mention them? If you pack her lunch? Is it possible she eats your lunch and then a school lunch too? She really needs to be cut off from that $$$.
Or she just eats the school lunch and snacks, while throwing away the "healthier" food (lunch/snack).7 -
rheddmobile wrote: »You're in a terrible position which I don't envy.
Since they insist on deceiving Kayla about knowing about you talking to her, you have an easy out. Say you will do it and then don't.
how is this a good idea? say you are going to do it and don't? - then what happens when they ask again???0 -
EllieElla2015 wrote: »Even two snacks could be 500 calories plus. If you're sending her lunch and snacks, she doesn't need a food budget. The school meals...why did you mention them? If you pack her lunch? Is it possible she eats your lunch and then a school lunch too? She really needs to be cut off from that $$$.
I mentioned them because that's the food she has "access" to other than food I make her and I agree with this. I've considered the possibility of her buying snacks but she very well may be eating two lunches, or 1 and a half. I used to do that I'll definitely bring this up to her parents because this seems like a good potential reason for her weight gain
Quite frankly I think you've gotten to the bottom of this, I'd take this up with the parents and say there's not much you can do if you don't have control over her meals, it sounds like you make healthy meals already and assuming appropriate portions, apart from being more active together and going out cycling and playing outside this needs to be their first step.4 -
The parents would be able to check with the school to see how much the daughter pulls out of the fund each week.1
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Ya, I threw away the lunch my mother made and bought ice cream sandwiches.Chef_Barbell wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »EllieElla2015 wrote: »Here are their lunch choices:
Pizza
Chicken Patty
Nachos
Any specials (like meatloaf or pasta they make daily)
There's also a salad area.
They can also buy candy like gummy bears, chocolate, chips, doritos, etc but the lunch lady only lets them buy 2 different snacks with their lunch. Drinks are milk or juice
Even two snacks could be 500 calories plus. If you're sending her lunch and snacks, she doesn't need a food budget. The school meals...why did you mention them? If you pack her lunch? Is it possible she eats your lunch and then a school lunch too? She really needs to be cut off from that $$$.
Or she just eats the school lunch and snacks, while throwing away the "healthier" food (lunch/snack).
Good idea.The parents would be able to check with the school to see how much the daughter pulls out of the fund each week.
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OP, I suggest you tell the parents you'd like to help but aren't qualified, but you'd be happy to accompany them to a pediatrician/dietitian and implement whatever suggestions the professionals give.
Sorry if I missed this, but what active things do you two do together and how about increasing them? Ice skating rink, roller blading, rink, YMCA, nature walks, lots of fun things to do.3 -
As a baby sitter this is outside of your scope.2
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Posted something but deleted it because I think everything has already been said0
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kshama2001 wrote: »OP, I suggest you tell the parents you'd like to help but aren't qualified, but you'd be happy to accompany them to a pediatrician/dietitian and implement whatever suggestions the professionals give.
I second this. Tell them that you would like to help Kayla in any way that you can, but an 11 year old girl is not the same as an adult woman, and the three of you should meet with someone who can help an 11 year old girl. All of you get on the same page, all of you implement change, all of you support Kayla.
And $500 is freaking ridiculous. At 11 years old, I was going through puberty and my parents divorce. I would have ate your lunch as a snack mid morning, and then ate hot lunch plus with that kind of access. That should really be reigned in.
With my older two (12 and 10), each weekend we look at the menu for the following week. They decide if they are going to want hot lunch or to pack, and Monday they are armed with the funds necessary to support that week.3 -
kshama2001 wrote: »Ya, I threw away the lunch my mother made and bought ice cream sandwiches.
I did something similar and even if they take away the lunch money she has access to I wonder if she gets an allowance. I did and at her age I was spending mine on snacks every chance I got. I agree that snacking at school is likely the cause of her weight gain if she has access to that much money.
I will also say her parents sound a bit difficult and I wouldn't want to be in your position, OP.
The poor child probably does need someone to teach her about nutrition if she's having weight issues, but that really should be up to them.0 -
I don't see the problem here. The parents obviously trust you and feel comfortable enough to come to you for help. We do not pick the times we are called to help, we just help if it is in our power to do so.
The parents are they obese or overweight? If so, makes sense as to why they are asking you for help. They might feel like hypocrites if they are obese to tell their child what not to do.
I don't know maybe its me, maybe I am different and do not respond well to general generic answers. I see people ask for help here and often times see stupid idiotic answers such as "eat less than you burn". Well that is like asking how do you become a millionaire and hearing "spend less than you make". Well one can do that but if they live in a minimum wage what steps can they take to reduce living expenses.
My verdict is the they are asking you for help. Why not bring your scale and give a class while watching the kid? You still will get paid for it right? Then it may be helping the parents in the choices they make at the store.6 -
Maybe just exercise with her? Don't be like hey let's exercise but maybe let's ride bikes or go on a nature walk. Get her active without her realizing she's exercising.2
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I think this thread also adds to why society is in decay. When people cant help out their fellow human beings even when asked. We can all create excuses, and reasons why we wont help, and come together for group think. At the end of the day I wonder what would have happened if the men and women of WW2 the greatest generation would have said "No" or I dont think its appropriate, I am no soldier, its not in my back yard, etc.6
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ilovelucy711 wrote: »Maybe just exercise with her? Don't be like hey let's exercise but maybe let's ride bikes or go on a nature walk. Get her active without her realizing she's exercising.
something positive! Humanity at its finest!!
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Her parents are not overweight.
It's not me not wanting to help- it's me not wanting to further damage a child's relationship with food when there are already issues present with Kayla. That's why there's conflict. Like other have suggested, I'll happily abide by the guidelines a doctor or parents give me for Kayla but I'm not going to teach her harmful behavior for her age due to my ignorance about child weight loss/gain/maintenance18 -
TwinkieDong wrote: »I think this thread also adds to why society is in decay. When people cant help out their fellow human beings even when asked. We can all create excuses, and reasons why we wont help, and come together for group think. At the end of the day I wonder what would have happened if the men and women of WW2 the greatest generation would have said "No" or I dont think its appropriate, I am no soldier, its not in my back yard, etc.
I think you may have skipped over most of the thread . . . . OP has gotten a ton of advice about how to approach the situation and it is 100% appropriate for her to be reluctant to police a child's (which isn't hers) diet without the parents making some effort into talking to a pediatrician (ETA: or a nutritionist/RD who works with children) and/or doing a better job at controlling the access that their child has to snack money. Literally no one is making excuses about how they don't want to help, least of all the OP.9 -
To echo everyone else, a slippery slope!
I don't think there's a harm in teaching her about healthy eating if she's interested but it shouldn't be shoved down her throat, and certainly not at the parents' request!
If you are comfortable, maybe talk to her about it casually when she has already brought it up. Everyone here knows that it's calories in, calories out, but there is no need for an 11yo to be that in depth, and quite frankly, I could see that leading to an obsession/ED in such a young girl. So, casually focus on things like how you already said, eating both fruits and veggies. And that snacks and desserts are ok to have every once and a while, but it's not healthy to eat too much sugar all the time. I don't think it really needs to go beyond that, especially given your role as literally just a babysitter, not a nutritionist!!
It would also be good to get Kayla's input here - when she brings up get weight to you, try to get a feel for why she is so bummed. Does she feel judged and ridiculed? Always, always, remind her that she is beautiful no matter what, that her body is still growing and changing and everyone has those times where they don't feel comfortable in their own skin! If she expressed interest in being skinnier, try to find out why - is it purely for looks? For self esteem? Or for health? Remind her that it doesn't really matter what she looks like, it's just health that's important!
Tell the parents politely, that you would be happy to talk to "Kayla" about healthy habits, but it is going to be on her own terms and only when it comes up naturally, that you refuse to lecture her because that will only be damaging to a young girl and could easily backfire into worse habits. Politely remind them that you are not a nutritionist and are not qualified to give medical advice. Ask them if they've consulted a doctor, and recommend that they do so.1 -
TwinkieDong wrote: »I don't see the problem here. The parents obviously trust you and feel comfortable enough to come to you for help. We do not pick the times we are called to help, we just help if it is in our power to do so.
The parents are they obese or overweight? If so, makes sense as to why they are asking you for help. They might feel like hypocrites if they are obese to tell their child what not to do.
I don't know maybe its me, maybe I am different and do not respond well to general generic answers. I see people ask for help here and often times see stupid idiotic answers such as "eat less than you burn". Well that is like asking how do you become a millionaire and hearing "spend less than you make". Well one can do that but if they live in a minimum wage what steps can they take to reduce living expenses.
My verdict is the they are asking you for help. Why not bring your scale and give a class while watching the kid? You still will get paid for it right? Then it may be helping the parents in the choices they make at the store.
The child is 11. Focussing on weighing food and counting calories at this age is incredibly inappropriate and at a very high risk of setting her up for an eating disorder.
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EllieElla2015 wrote: »It's not me not wanting to help- it's me not wanting to further damage a child's relationship with food when there are already issues present with Kayla. That's why there's conflict. Like other have suggested, I'll happily abide by the guidelines a doctor or parents give me for Kayla but I'm not going to teach her harmful behavior for her age due to my ignorance about child weight loss/gain/maintenance
These words, "I'll happily abide by the guidelines a doctor or parents give me for Kayla but I'm not going to teach her harmful behavior for her age due to my ignorance about child weight loss/gain/maintenance." are perfect. You're saying basically what I suggested and I can't imagine any parent having a problem with it. Maybe temper it with lots of "I love Kayla." "I will always do my best for her." Lots of "I adore your wonderful kid. I only want what's best for her. We don't want an eating disorder to develop. I'm not qualified to give diet advice. I'll do these other things happily."
If these parents care about their kid, they'll understand.
5
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