11 year old & her parents asking/pressuring me to help her lose weight. I'm very uncomfortable

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Replies

  • noirelb
    noirelb Posts: 216 Member
    1 - I dieted with my mom when I was 15 (I was very overweight and her as well)
    2- what was dieting turned out into anorexia later and I new every food's calories by heart (lost 82 lbs)
    3 - I would suggest that (since her parents are going to ruin her by making comments anyway) you try to lead her into the healthy eating as you said and maybe let her know that dessert can be fruits and yogurt more often and cakes only once in a while. PLEASE do not make her count calories. Let the parents know what you are doing.
    4 - Start doing more physical activities outside with her?? and explain to her what it does to her body?
  • EllieElla2015
    EllieElla2015 Posts: 67 Member
    I typed this out before then it disappeared so I'm sorry if it's a double post!
    Food I make her is pretty well balanced. Lunch is often a sandwich or a burrito with healthy swaps. Sandwiches are basic like grilled chicken, lettuce, tomato, little mayo with a side of veggies and dip (dip is also proportione for her). Burrito would be those 100 calorie wraps with guacamole, black beans, chicken or pork, etc with a side of salsa. Dinner is also usually pretty standard, for example, today is lasagne with ground turkey meat and a side of veggies with dip.
    For snacks, again, your usual: popcorn (she likes it plain with hot sauce so no butter or oil), yogurt, nuts, fruit. This week we baked brownie, so she gets one brownie a day that I divide in two. I give her half after lunch and half after dinner. I use healthier alternatives, lower calorie alternatives (even just for my sake because we sometimes eat the same food), and I serve her reasonable portions. If she wants seconds I usually offer her something else, another quick meal I can make her because most of the time she's not actually hungry when she wants seconds she just liked the food. So when I offer her eggs when she wants seconds of whatever I made she usually says no.

    Candy isn't readily available at home but items like cereal and granola bars are. She also has a "money account" at school, even though I make her lunches during the school year. So she has my packed lunch and access to $500 worth of food at school as well that her parents reload when empties, but I don't know how fast she goes through that if she ever does.
  • Chef_Barbell
    Chef_Barbell Posts: 6,647 Member
    Sadly this little girl is going to need to speak with a therapist. Suggest that as well.
  • animatorswearbras
    animatorswearbras Posts: 1,001 Member
    So she has my packed lunch and access to $500 worth of food at school as well that her parents reload when empties, but I don't know how fast she goes through that if she ever does.

    $500?! thats insane (I mean I'm from Britain so it might not be the same gig) but if she has access to that sort of money as well as a lunch nothing you can do will be able to stop her just snacking on sweets at school. I say to tell them to stop that, she's not old enough to be making $500 worth of food choices independently, if I had the access to that sort of cash at school I'd be eating chocolate, crisps and pop by the metric tonne. Just pack all the healthy snacks she needs for the day and get the parents to cut that off, they don't even need to tell her it's because shes overweight just that they're tightening their belts. They really need to take some responsibility here.
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 32,624 Member
    Sadly this little girl is going to need to speak with a therapist. Suggest that as well.

    Yeah, I have to agree with this.

    And that $500 food budget at school...do the parents get a printout?

    I guess that wouldn't matter, I'm told that schools now have candy/juice/snack machines available. We didn't have access to food other than at lunchtime in school when I was growing up. We didn't even get choices for food, it was a set menu. Milk or water was the drink. No other choices. I think too much freedom is not good when it comes to money or snacks.
  • Chef_Barbell
    Chef_Barbell Posts: 6,647 Member
    Sadly this little girl is going to need to speak with a therapist. Suggest that as well.

    Yeah, I have to agree with this.

    And that $500 food budget at school...do the parents get a printout?

    I guess that wouldn't matter, I'm told that schools now have candy/juice/snack machines available. We didn't have access to food other than at lunchtime in school when I was growing up. We didn't even get choices for food, it was a set menu. Milk or water was the drink. No other choices. I think too much freedom is not good when it comes to money or snacks.

    I agree with this... we didn't get a choice of food until high school.
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 32,624 Member
    So she has my packed lunch and access to $500 worth of food at school as well that her parents reload when empties, but I don't know how fast she goes through that if she ever does.

    $500?! thats insane (I mean I'm from Britain so it might not be the same gig) but if she has access to that sort of money as well as a lunch nothing you can do will be able to stop her just snacking on sweets at school. I say to tell them to stop that, she's not old enough to be making $500 worth of food choices independently, if I had the access to that sort of cash at school I'd be eating chocolate, crisps and pop by the metric tonne. Just pack all the healthy snacks she needs for the day and get the parents to cut that off, they don't even need to tell her it's because shes overweight just that they're tightening their belts. They really need to take some responsibility here.

    ^^This.
  • EllieElla2015
    EllieElla2015 Posts: 67 Member
    Here are their lunch choices:
    Pizza
    Chicken Patty
    Nachos
    Any specials (like meatloaf or pasta they make daily)
    There's also a salad area.

    They can also buy candy like gummy bears, chocolate, chips, doritos, etc but the lunch lady only lets them buy 2 different snacks with their lunch. Drinks are milk or juice
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 32,624 Member
    Here are their lunch choices:
    Pizza
    Chicken Patty
    Nachos
    Any specials (like meatloaf or pasta they make daily)
    There's also a salad area.

    They can also buy candy like gummy bears, chocolate, chips, doritos, etc but the lunch lady only lets them buy 2 different snacks with their lunch. Drinks are milk or juice

    Even two snacks could be 500 calories plus. If you're sending her lunch and snacks, she doesn't need a food budget. The school meals...why did you mention them? If you pack her lunch? Is it possible she eats your lunch and then a school lunch too? She really needs to be cut off from that $$$.
  • Muscleflex79
    Muscleflex79 Posts: 1,919 Member
    You're in a terrible position which I don't envy.

    Since they insist on deceiving Kayla about knowing about you talking to her, you have an easy out. Say you will do it and then don't.

    how is this a good idea? say you are going to do it and don't? - then what happens when they ask again???
  • animatorswearbras
    animatorswearbras Posts: 1,001 Member
    Even two snacks could be 500 calories plus. If you're sending her lunch and snacks, she doesn't need a food budget. The school meals...why did you mention them? If you pack her lunch? Is it possible she eats your lunch and then a school lunch too? She really needs to be cut off from that $$$.

    I mentioned them because that's the food she has "access" to other than food I make her and I agree with this. I've considered the possibility of her buying snacks but she very well may be eating two lunches, or 1 and a half. I used to do that :o I'll definitely bring this up to her parents because this seems like a good potential reason for her weight gain

    Quite frankly I think you've gotten to the bottom of this, I'd take this up with the parents and say there's not much you can do if you don't have control over her meals, it sounds like you make healthy meals already and assuming appropriate portions, apart from being more active together and going out cycling and playing outside this needs to be their first step.
  • RodaRose
    RodaRose Posts: 9,574 Member
    The parents would be able to check with the school to see how much the daughter pulls out of the fund each week.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 25,955 Member
    Here are their lunch choices:
    Pizza
    Chicken Patty
    Nachos
    Any specials (like meatloaf or pasta they make daily)
    There's also a salad area.

    They can also buy candy like gummy bears, chocolate, chips, doritos, etc but the lunch lady only lets them buy 2 different snacks with their lunch. Drinks are milk or juice

    Even two snacks could be 500 calories plus. If you're sending her lunch and snacks, she doesn't need a food budget. The school meals...why did you mention them? If you pack her lunch? Is it possible she eats your lunch and then a school lunch too? She really needs to be cut off from that $$$.

    Or she just eats the school lunch and snacks, while throwing away the "healthier" food (lunch/snack).
    Ya, I threw away the lunch my mother made and bought ice cream sandwiches.

    RodaRose wrote: »
    The parents would be able to check with the school to see how much the daughter pulls out of the fund each week.
    Good idea.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 25,955 Member
    OP, I suggest you tell the parents you'd like to help but aren't qualified, but you'd be happy to accompany them to a pediatrician/dietitian and implement whatever suggestions the professionals give.

    Sorry if I missed this, but what active things do you two do together and how about increasing them? Ice skating rink, roller blading, rink, YMCA, nature walks, lots of fun things to do.
  • Meaganinsardinia
    Meaganinsardinia Posts: 42 Member
    As a baby sitter this is outside of your scope.
  • zjpq
    zjpq Posts: 198 Member
    edited July 2017
    Posted something but deleted it because I think everything has already been said
  • ashliedelgado
    ashliedelgado Posts: 815 Member
    kshama2001 wrote: »
    OP, I suggest you tell the parents you'd like to help but aren't qualified, but you'd be happy to accompany them to a pediatrician/dietitian and implement whatever suggestions the professionals give.

    I second this. Tell them that you would like to help Kayla in any way that you can, but an 11 year old girl is not the same as an adult woman, and the three of you should meet with someone who can help an 11 year old girl. All of you get on the same page, all of you implement change, all of you support Kayla.

    And $500 is freaking ridiculous. At 11 years old, I was going through puberty and my parents divorce. I would have ate your lunch as a snack mid morning, and then ate hot lunch plus with that kind of access. That should really be reigned in.

    With my older two (12 and 10), each weekend we look at the menu for the following week. They decide if they are going to want hot lunch or to pack, and Monday they are armed with the funds necessary to support that week.