Discussing food and weight with your teenager

2DUNNY

take her to the dr and make sure everything is healthy on that end, such as hormone levels and blood sugar levels. she might be about to start her cycle if she hasn't already (i didn't start until i was 16) and usually girls will gain a bit of weight when they have their first cycle.

Danimri84

I was a chubby kid, an overweight teen, and now I'm an obese adult. I wish like hell someone would have discussed weight control with me as a kid or teen. By all means, be cautious about how you approach it, but approach it. Don't ignore it.

rankinsect

Need2Exerc1se wrote: »

allyphoe wrote: »

Mom of 14yo here. Make no comments on her weight, appearance, or eating habits. None. Not any. Mouth closed.

Would you say this even if the teenager becomes overweight or even obese? Just sit by and watch your child destroy her health? Would you say the same if she were drinking alcohol or smoking or in some other way endangering her health?

I think the big difference between obesity and drinking alcohol is that in modern society, obesity is deeply tied into ones self-image, and you often can't make any progress on fighting the obesity problem until you first work on the self-image problem.

As someone who was obese starting around age 9 or 10, none of those "talks" helped at all. If anything, it just made things worse, because it's very easy to get into a self-reinforcing cycle of self-loathing -> taking comfort in food -> gaining more weight -> more self-loathing. That's a hard one even for adults, but when you put that kind of pressure on a teen, who is experiencing adult problems without an adult's experience at coping with those problems, compounded with all the moodiness of hormone swings, it's a very, very difficult thing to deal with.

I think helping encourage activity is a great idea - but make sure it's something that she likes to do, not just something you like to do.

CynthiasChoice

allyphoe wrote: »

Mom of 14yo here. Make no comments on her weight, appearance, or eating habits. None. Not any. Mouth closed.

I agree! Many girls go through a chunky period for a year or two, somewhere around age 11 - 15 then slim down. This is just my own observation from seeing my kids and their friends grow up, and remembering myself and my friends at different ages.

One thing I would do is try to be observant. If you see her reaching for seconds and thirds on pasta, rice and bread, try serving dinner from the counter or stove. Let everyone fill their plate and bring it to the table. Sometimes if tasty food is in your field of vision, you overeat even when you are already satisfied.

jelleigh

Coming from a woman who was damaged by a naturally thin mother who would literally poke my fat rolls - be careful. That being said - I wish I had learned healthier habits earlier about balanced eating and fitness. I think if the family can take up something active together - rollerblading, hiking, bike riding- it not only strengthens your relationship but also gets then active enough to combat a potential issue.

Also - kids always get a little pudgy before a growth spurt. My sister tells her kids that they grow 'out' before they grow 'up' so not to worry too much.

Javagal2778

Thank you so, so much for all of the input! So many great points made and I've got some great ideas to ponder and implement.

SundropEclipse

Disagree completely with the "Don't talk about it," crowd. Absolutely talk about it, just don't be a dick or snowflake about it! Growing up all I heard from the adults in my life were comments about my weight and appearance. My baby sister hasn't heard a word about her appearance but never had a sensible conversation until last year and she was on exactly the same trajecotry attitude- and weight-wise that I was on at her age.

One night she was asking about my weight loss and I gave her a rudimentary breakdown of what I had learned through MFP and my own research and trial-and-error. Also explained that while it is possible to be healthy overweight, it gets harder and harder with age and won't stop skeletal damage from carrying the excess. She listened and although she doesn't calorie count or weigh her foods she started making small changes. Smaller helpings of pasta and bread, more water over soda, etc. She also started using the treadmill to walk an hour or two at night while watching tv and teaching herself the choreography in her favorite music videos and even does Sweating to the Oldies from time to time. All these changes were her own choices. Since then she's lost most of the excess weight she was carrying, converted what wasn't lost to muscle, and has maintained at just slightly above perfect BMI. No food fear (total carb lover like me, in fact), no workout obsession, and no more negativity about her weight.

You absolutely have to talk about it if you want your kids to have the tools and attitude to take care of themselves. Obviously each kid will need variations in approach and they will still ultimately make their own choices, but they won't stand a chance if you aren't having a forward, informative conversation. Don't coddle your kids, but don't be a jerk.

Enjcg5

So as a mother of 3 (16yr old daughter, 14 and 10 yr old sons... all 3 are lean) I find this very interesting. I read the thread and it seems like a 50/50 debate. On one hand there are obese adults who would've appreciated some feedback and then the other half believes that same sort of feedback may have been damaging to their psyche.
Personally as a mother (and a degree in Child Development) I made a conscious effort to NEVER talk "weight" in regards to conversations around food. Our conversations are always "not too much sugar because cavities" "please eat more protein/fat for brain development" "you can't poop because you aren't eating fiber" etc.
Also take into account the child's personality (are they too sensitive for this subject matter vs hardy/not easily offended) and make it a point to educate rather than ridicule.

cgcrutch

I was a very overweight kid and teen. I'd say, DON'T comment on her body at all. But DO make sure she knows what healthy eating habits are. I was overfed and surrounded by processed unhealthy foods and people not the SLIGHTEST concerned about health. Just so happened I was susceptible to getting fat while the rest of my family wasn't. I couldn't eat the way they did, but I didn't know what a healthy diet was either. Let her know her options and let her choose. She can always decide to diet and lose weight if it becomes an issue for her.

Mezzie1024

When my siblings and I got to be a certain age, we each were given a day a week to make dinner. It was up to us to make the shopping list within the budget and provide the family with a balanced, healthy meal. Maybe giving her some guided responsibility in the form of, "Hey, you're going to be moving out in just four years -- time to learn some household management skills" can get the information you want to share across in an absolutely non-judgmental way. It's also not a bad money-management lesson.

Mr_Knight

SundropEclipse wrote: »

Disagree completely with the "Don't talk about it," crowd.

Agreed. Each to there own...but to me it makes as much sense as not talking to them about sex or how to use an ATM machine.

GemstoneofHeart

I am not a mom of a teenager yet but I do remember being one. I was always in good shape and pretty thin, but did gain weight when I was 12-13 and then again at 16 or so when I started filling out. It was totally normal and just a growth spurt. I remember always being super hungry before a growth spurt, so maybe that is what is going on with her?
If my parents had said something, I would have totally freaked out and been very mad and hurt. Best to not say anything unless her doctor mentions something. Just keep modeling the good choices as that is a parent's best way to teach a child.

everher

I always find this discussion interesting because I really don't know what I would do.

I was a healthy weight as a child, but around my preteen/teenage years I became overweight. I was less active and I had more control over my food choices and I was buying all types of junk at school.

My mother never talked with me about my weight because she had, had an ED and didn't want me to develop one as well. Part of me wishes she would've attempted talking to me, but when I think back on it would it have helped? Probably not.

I started seriously suffering from depression as a teen and I was an introvert so I struggled a lot with social interaction and I just didn't like the way I looked as it was. Suffice to say I just had a lot going on emotionally and anything she might've said probably would've just scarred me for life no matter how well meaning.

She did provide healthy food choices and balanced meals and tried to encourage me to be active. I really think that's the most you can do at that point.

A conversation about health and nutrition probably should've taken place at a younger age, but by my teenage years anything that could've been said probably would've had the opposite effect.

DobbyWinky

As someone who was 14 quite recently, I think the best thing is not to comment on eating or weight. Maybe just teach her how to cook and teach her healthy recipes without using the word "healthy," or "low cal." Just something like saying she's going to be on her own soon and has got to know how to take care of herself, cooking, cleaning, etc. If it's in that category, it's got nothing to do with her weight, just with growing up.

Wetcoaster

My son was "chubby" from age 9 to 16 or so. The worse thing I could have done is comment on it..

It would have destroyed his confidence.

Once he it 16 there was a growth spurt and he exercised more and was 6 foot 3 all of a sudden.

Then he got skinny eating the same things.

Enjcg5

Ok. So I asked my 16yr old this question. Her response was that if I came at her directly about her weight, she would be offended and probably shut down anything I had to say. She said she would probably listen to her friends, a doctor or another adult (this was interesting news to be because we talk about all sorts of topics- sex, consent, drugs, alcohol, etc with ease).

Enjcg5

sllm1 wrote: »

I don't approach the subject of eating much aside from pointing out occasionally that my daughter might need to consider more protein and less junk (for health reasons). She will still say things like, "so you think I'm getting fat?" to which I have to remind her that I am talking about healthy choices and never weight.

I also try to encourage activity - for health reasons and stress relief and the like. When she's stressed or upset, she has twice now said, "I'm going to take a walk," so maybe some part of that got through.

I don't talk about weight except to remind her that she's beautiful when she complains about her hips. Teen girls are so self conscious and touchy. She's not overweight; I just want her to create good habits.

They are so touchy. It's a slippery slope.

I just learned how touchy this topic is from my 16 yr old!