Obese with skinny spouse ADVICE :)

linsey0689
linsey0689 Posts: 753 Member
edited November 21 in Health and Weight Loss
Okay so I know I'm not the only one out there with this problem. I'm obese and my BF is on the edge of normal weight to underweight according to his BMI. He is very thin, 5'7" and no more than 120 normally 115. I'm obese, trying to make the scale move in my favor. Who else out there is in the same situation? And any of you have any good advice to find the balance?
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Replies

  • HealthyKatty
    HealthyKatty Posts: 24 Member
    I'm in that situation. Partner's incredibly skinny, 6'3ft and I'm there 4'9 incredibly obese. What have we been doing and what are we going to do? He knows that I want to lose the weight and doesn't force me to lose it. He tries to motivate me to eat healthy whenever and if I try to grab a brownie, he makes that face that says "Are you sure you wanna do that?" I've been meh about it lately, but I'm starting to put a huge effort into it. No junk food, healthy foods (vegetables and meats) as much as possible. We work out together. We tend to experiment what works and what doesn't. We keep a record of the meals we like to eat. Since he's trying to gain and I'm trying to lose, my calories are around 1,200 and his are around 1,600. So normally we have the same meal, but he adds in something extra. Basically just be honest with yourselves and motivate each other! :)
  • ivory32
    ivory32 Posts: 12 Member
    I'm in the same position, my partner is very thin due to having crohns disease and 6'6 tall.

    Thankfully our meals tend to be quite clean as it's good for him and I'll make some adjustments for me to lower the calories. He will still eat high calories food i.e. Chocolate etc, but it's not an issue when I'm munching on something I like too!

    It did take a lot of mental power at first not to care what anyone thought of us standing side by side.
  • AnnJey
    AnnJey Posts: 4 Member
    Same here. We're opposites in that I'm trying to lose weight and he's trying to gain/bulk. It's not too hard since we're both supporting each other, and he's not the type to end endless amounts of junk food so I rarely get jealous of him eating more than me. I eat at maintainance on Saturdays so it's always nice then to be eating the same sorts of stuff.
  • HealthyKatty
    HealthyKatty Posts: 24 Member
    edited September 2017
    PAV8888 wrote: »
    A 6ft 3" male will lose, not gain, weight at 1600 Cal a day. Unless you're taking 1600 Cal a meal....

    He doesn't eat much, so it's an improvement nonetheless. It's around estimates for him since I'm basing it off my meals plus his extras so I'm not entirely sure how much hence the around. We don't track his calories, but do for me.
  • SarahMacphail1
    SarahMacphail1 Posts: 36 Member
    PAV8888 wrote: »
    A 6ft 3" male will lose, not gain, weight at 1600 Cal a day. Unless you're taking 1600 Cal a meal....
    Was just going to question this too. Sure the average calorie requirement for a man is around 2500 isn't it? I know we're all different to some extent but can't see a man of 6ft3 gaining weight on 1600 cals a day.

    My hubby needs to lose weight too (although he's struggling with sticking to it) but we've also got a 2 year old who needs calorie dense but healthy foods. It can be difficult but simple things like adding double cream to his porridge, avocado to pasta, nut butters etc help get calories into him while keeping us all eating roughly the same meals. If that's what you mean by finding a balance between your different calorie needs. Your OH could also have a bigger portion which isn't really an option with a toddler lol.
  • kristen8000
    kristen8000 Posts: 747 Member
    I've found that if you do you, and he does him, things work out better.

    I make 90% of the meals in the house, if he doesn't like what I cook he eats something else. I'm lucky in that 90% of the time he likes what I make - last night I make ground turkey into taco meat. He had burritos, I put the taco meat on sliced green pepper with 2% shredded cheese, red onion and salsa and made low carb nachoes (which by the way, are totally delicious).

    When I'm out I'll buy him treats - things I know he loves and I could care less about - so it balances out.

    But if you can't do this, you need to sit him down and say "I have a goal and I need to succeed. This is what I need from you to succeed." He'll support you, but you need to do this on your own. I know my success is accomplished by me concentrating on me.
  • bagge72
    bagge72 Posts: 1,377 Member
    My wife and I only eat one meal together because of work and all of that nonsense, so for dinner I just have a larger serving. Same thing for our nightly snack, I just have larger servings since we generally like the same thing. Are you guys eating every single meal and snack together where this is actually a problem?
  • cadhlaureen
    cadhlaureen Posts: 19 Member
    I am right in your ballpark. My spouse let me know the other week that he didn't find my body attractive anymore. I appreciate his honesty, it was the kick I needed to start taking my calorie counting seriously (and start going to the gym)

    He is 6'1" and 168lbs. He eats whatever he wants, up to and including a whole pizza for dinner three times a week.

    Dieting is hard in my household, but to compensate - I don't restrict types of foods. Everything is within my diet as long as I can fit it into my calories. I am very strict on Lunch however, and I skip breakfast (I am usually not hungry anyway). I buy pre-made frozen lunches from the store (usually healthy choice steamers) and don't snack (much) throughout the day. This leaves me with around 700-900 calories for dinner, which means I can usually eat whatever junk is on the menu if I'm not the one cooking!

    He balances this out by ordering for himself usually, or chasing me away from the pizza (like I asked him to :wink:) I will completely skip out on a meal that is too high calorie, often choosing to make my own dinners with food he doesn't like.

    So far we are making it work. It's strange to think that I weigh so much more than him, and I've always been uncomfortable being so big while he's so skinny. I can't wait to weigh less than him though!
  • Jeepygirl
    Jeepygirl Posts: 23 Member
    My husband is tall & skinny. 6' and 140 lbs with his clothes on. The only time he's ever gained weight was when he was managing a cafe and could eat whenever and wasn't really that busy. He lost all weight he had gained within 3 months of starting a new job. He doesn't eat healthy and skinny doesn't equal healthy. He's scared to death of getting lab work done because he's positive he has some cholesterol issues going on and who knows what else.

    Since we both work full time, we're really only together at dinner. It's usually a healthy meal that fits into my diet. He'll have either a larger porton or he'll make some thing else later. Otherwise, we just make sure we have fresh fruit & veggies in the house for weekends or snacking. We don't keep junk food in the house, my husband doesn't like most of it and I would rather our 4 year old not have it openly available to him on a regular basis. And it works for us.
  • 2snakeswoman
    2snakeswoman Posts: 655 Member
    This has been difficult for me because I like the same things in the same amounts that my husband eats. I've had to make a major effort to keep my eyes on my own plate because when I see that he has about 2 cups of something that I can only have 1/2 cup of because that's what fits into my calories, I get envious and unhappy. It doesn't help that he's lost about 20 pounds since the beginning of the year just from cutting back here and there, and I haven't really lost anything.
  • JasmineDiver22
    JasmineDiver22 Posts: 148 Member
    Yes. My husband is smaller than me, though he is very tall. 6'2 and about 190 pounds. He has a very active job. He eats like an animal!! I got into a bad habit of trying to keep up with eating with him, and I eventually gained 40 pounds since being with him! I'm 5'2 and 280 pounds! I've tried dieting before while being with him but always quit because I couldn't help myself with the foods he was eating and that I loved so much. When I recently saw my weight @280 I had a serious talk and told him I need to lose weight to be healthy and he needs to eat better due to high blood pressure! He's been very supportive, eating healthy (I usually cook two helpings of everything for him though) and he's been walking with me 5 days a week!

    If you can get your husband to help support you and maybe even have 1-2 healthy meals with you a day and maybe start off walking with him 1-2 times a week, (nothing that will make him roll his eyes or do it begrudgingly) that will help you a lot! From then on once you get into the habit, you"ll feel better and take on your own thing. Support from you spouse will defiantly make it easier and more motivation IF he helps you along your journey!! Good luck to you!
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,423 Member
    The thing for many of us with partners and families is that they are different sizes than us, have different activity levels, different calorie needs. Focus on yourself and what you are doing. Let him take care of himself and he can eat more calorie dense foods.
    In my family I have a husband and daughter who both weigh less than me but actually need to have more calories than me. Reality is that I am a 43 year old sedentary woman. I can't eat like an active man or teenager unless I become really active. If their diet looked exactly like mine they would certainly lose weight too but they don't need to.
    So I log my food. I use a food scale. I watch my calorie intake. I probably eat more vegetables than they do. I drink water or unsweetened tea. I look up nutritional information and read labels. I increase my activity a bit.
  • kgirlhart
    kgirlhart Posts: 5,162 Member
    My husband is about 8 inches taller than me. His job is active and mine is not. We do not have the same calorie requirements yet I often ate as much or more than he ate. When I started on mfp I was obese and he was a healthy weight. Now we are both a healthy weight. We still mostly eat the same things. He just eats larger portions than I do. I eat more veggies because I like them and he doesn't and he drinks more beer than me because he just does. I don't want to waste too many calories on beer so I rarely have more than 1 or 2. I cannot eat like an active 6" tall man when I am a 5"3.5" woman. It isn't really about balance. It all boils down to you figuring out how many calories you need and him figuring out how many he needs. It sounds like right now you need to eat at a deficit and he needs to eat at a surplus. You can't expect him not to eat certain foods that he may need to be eating just because you have decided that you can't have them.
  • Zeuggma
    Zeuggma Posts: 157 Member
    I'm in a similar situation. My partner is 5'10" and 135; while I am 5'3" and at my heaviest, 195 (CW 160). He constantly reassures me that I'm not so big, but I know the facts. I've been trying to lose weight on and off for about three years now, but only now have we found a healthy balance.

    I'm very lucky because he enjoys the energy he gets from eating healthy and cleaner like I do. We cook and share meals together. He always eats considerably more, and we often make starchy foods (rice, pasta, potatoes) on the side for him. Sometimes, he wants junk food, but he goes out with his friends to get it, or we go somewhere we can compromise.

    What's interesting is I've always been the athletic one even though he's always been the thin one. So I've been enjoying getting him to go to the gym with me and pushing him to be more active while he encourages me to stick to my diet so I can lose weight I want to.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 28,052 Member
    kgirlhart wrote: »
    My husband is about 8 inches taller than me. His job is active and mine is not. We do not have the same calorie requirements yet I often ate as much or more than he ate. When I started on mfp I was obese and he was a healthy weight. Now we are both a healthy weight. We still mostly eat the same things. He just eats larger portions than I do. I eat more veggies because I like them and he doesn't and he drinks more beer than me because he just does. I don't want to waste too many calories on beer so I rarely have more than 1 or 2. I cannot eat like an active 6" tall man when I am a 5"3.5" woman. It isn't really about balance. It all boils down to you figuring out how many calories you need and him figuring out how many he needs. It sounds like right now you need to eat at a deficit and he needs to eat at a surplus. You can't expect him not to eat certain foods that he may need to be eating just because you have decided that you can't have them.

    Ya, I used to split pizzas with my OH, who is a foot taller than I am. Now I take 3 slices and he 5. I also have a big salad, which psychologically makes up for that missing piece.

    In general, I also eat more veggies and less starch.
  • bbell1985
    bbell1985 Posts: 4,571 Member
    When I started dating my last partner I was chunky, overweight. Not terribly obese. He was skinny. I found losing weight dating him to be easy because honestly....he snacked a lot less than me. Yeah, we'd maybe have a high calorie meal together on the weekend, but I'd fast during the day for it and he didn't really eat sweets or chips at night so....I wasn't going to.
  • 08_GreenEyedMomma
    08_GreenEyedMomma Posts: 62 Member
    I cook for all 3 of us (we have a son). I just eat less. I put all my recipes into the MFP recipe builder, as 1svg=1gram (# of servings = total weight of all ingredients) so I can easily weigh things out. Since we both work FT, we don't have lunch together most days. I make better choices for myself on that & leave some wiggle room for weekends.

    I've done the whole "make two meals" approach. It's a pain. So I make 1 meal now, and I eat less.
  • estherdragonbat
    estherdragonbat Posts: 5,283 Member
    I'm an obese vegetarian married to a thinner meat eater. I always do two mains and we come together on sides, salads, and desserts. I've gone to lighter options with those, but he picks his main dish each week and as long as his doctor is satisfied, I can just as easily not eat lean ground beef as I can not eat breaded fried chicken.
  • MeredithDeVoe1
    MeredithDeVoe1 Posts: 67 Member
    Do you want to lose weight? Then exercise, diet, and lose weight. Do you not care if you're obese? Then enjoy life as it is.

    But clearly, since you posted here, you sense a need for advice, so here's mine:

    Love yourself the way you are.

    Exercise and become strong and healthy. You will feel better, and your relationships will be better as a result.

    If you gained weight after the relationship began, it's not really fair to him. Decide if you want to keep eating or keep seeing him. If you are happy with your size and he isn't, let him go. If he's fine, he might be a keeper!

    If you get any pressure from him to change into something you aren't, walk away now. You need a friend, not a judge.
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