Obese with skinny spouse ADVICE :)
linsey0689
Posts: 753 Member
Okay so I know I'm not the only one out there with this problem. I'm obese and my BF is on the edge of normal weight to underweight according to his BMI. He is very thin, 5'7" and no more than 120 normally 115. I'm obese, trying to make the scale move in my favor. Who else out there is in the same situation? And any of you have any good advice to find the balance?
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I'm obese and my husband is 5'10", 118lbs. We eat very different meals, we very rarely eat the same thing. I do 99% of the cooking, and I don't mind making two meals, I make pretty simple, fast meals, and usually cook in large batches so I can freeze portions and when dinner time comes around it's easy to just grab something out of the freezer. He eats what he eats and I eat what I eat, it's just the way it has to be!6
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I'm looking to lose about 30 pounds total (10 down, 20 to go), and my husband is 6'1" and 135 lbs and doesn't gain weight no matter what he eats. Here are some things that work for us:
- He and I eat different breakfasts and lunches during the week (we always have, but now I'm making better choices for myself).
- At dinner, I used to have the same portion sizes as him, but now I take a smaller portion of the calorie-dense foods and eat more vegetables.
- When we make a boxed starch (for example, mac 'n' cheese, instant mashed potatoes, or Rice-A-Roni) as part of dinner, instead of splitting it between the two of us and eating it all in one night, we split it in half after making it so that it lasts two nights. Each night, I get 1/4 of a suggested serving and he gets the rest of the half of the box. He's still getting basically the same amount of food, but I'm eating way less (of that usually calorie-dense side). If I portion it out before starting to eat, and ration it throughout the meal, I find I don't really miss having a bigger serving.
- For salads, I've gotten some low-calorie dressings, and he still uses the old dressings.
- I am trying some new, lower-calorie recipes for dinners. We are still trying to figure out how those work for him. He is still taking a bigger portion size than me. On those nights, he might also have a snack after dinner (he might have Cheez-Its while I have cantaloupe, for example).
- In general, he still eats the same snacks, but I choose lower-calorie options.
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linsey0689 wrote: »Okay so I know I'm not the only one out there with this problem. I'm obese and my BF is on the edge of normal weight to underweight according to his BMI. He is very thin, 5'7" and no more than 120 normally 115. I'm obese, trying to make the scale move in my favor. Who else out there is in the same situation? And any of you have any good advice to find the balance?
Find what balance?
A balanced diet?8 -
I feel ya - my partner's been lean and fit all his life, me? Not so much. I shop and prepare all the meals consumed at home. We eat a lot of the same stuff - At this point, I just eat less of it than he does. When we go out, I choose options that are less calorie dense, and he gets the fried calorie bombs. Feeling hungry at night? He has a bowlful of pecan ice cream (500 calories, easily) and I have a single-serving chobani yogurt (120 calories). I'm in charge of me.14
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I'm in that situation. Partner's incredibly skinny, 6'3ft and I'm there 4'9 incredibly obese. What have we been doing and what are we going to do? He knows that I want to lose the weight and doesn't force me to lose it. He tries to motivate me to eat healthy whenever and if I try to grab a brownie, he makes that face that says "Are you sure you wanna do that?" I've been meh about it lately, but I'm starting to put a huge effort into it. No junk food, healthy foods (vegetables and meats) as much as possible. We work out together. We tend to experiment what works and what doesn't. We keep a record of the meals we like to eat. Since he's trying to gain and I'm trying to lose, my calories are around 1,200 and his are around 1,600. So normally we have the same meal, but he adds in something extra. Basically just be honest with yourselves and motivate each other!
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I'm in the same position, my partner is very thin due to having crohns disease and 6'6 tall.
Thankfully our meals tend to be quite clean as it's good for him and I'll make some adjustments for me to lower the calories. He will still eat high calories food i.e. Chocolate etc, but it's not an issue when I'm munching on something I like too!
It did take a lot of mental power at first not to care what anyone thought of us standing side by side.1 -
Same here. We're opposites in that I'm trying to lose weight and he's trying to gain/bulk. It's not too hard since we're both supporting each other, and he's not the type to end endless amounts of junk food so I rarely get jealous of him eating more than me. I eat at maintainance on Saturdays so it's always nice then to be eating the same sorts of stuff.1
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HealthyKatty wrote: »I'm in that situation. Partner's incredibly skinny, 6'3ft and I'm there 4'9 incredibly obese. What have we been doing and what are we going to do? He knows that I want to lose the weight and doesn't force me to lose it. He tries to motivate me to eat healthy whenever and if I try to grab a brownie, he makes that face that says "Are you sure you wanna do that?" I've been meh about it lately, but I'm starting to put a huge effort into it. No junk food, healthy foods (vegetables and meats) as much as possible. We work out together. We tend to experiment what works and what doesn't. We keep a record of the meals we like to eat. Since he's trying to gain and I'm trying to lose, my calories are around 1,200 and his are around 1,600. So normally we have the same meal, but he adds in something extra. Basically just be honest with yourselves and motivate each other!
A 6ft 3" male will lose, not gain, weight at 1600 Cal a day. Unless you're taking 1600 Cal a meal....24 -
A 6ft 3" male will lose, not gain, weight at 1600 Cal a day. Unless you're taking 1600 Cal a meal....
He doesn't eat much, so it's an improvement nonetheless. It's around estimates for him since I'm basing it off my meals plus his extras so I'm not entirely sure how much hence the around. We don't track his calories, but do for me.0 -
Was just going to question this too. Sure the average calorie requirement for a man is around 2500 isn't it? I know we're all different to some extent but can't see a man of 6ft3 gaining weight on 1600 cals a day.A 6ft 3" male will lose, not gain, weight at 1600 Cal a day. Unless you're taking 1600 Cal a meal....
My hubby needs to lose weight too (although he's struggling with sticking to it) but we've also got a 2 year old who needs calorie dense but healthy foods. It can be difficult but simple things like adding double cream to his porridge, avocado to pasta, nut butters etc help get calories into him while keeping us all eating roughly the same meals. If that's what you mean by finding a balance between your different calorie needs. Your OH could also have a bigger portion which isn't really an option with a toddler lol.2 -
linsey0689 wrote: »Okay so I know I'm not the only one out there with this problem. I'm obese and my BF is on the edge of normal weight to underweight according to his BMI. He is very thin, 5'7" and no more than 120 normally 115. I'm obese, trying to make the scale move in my favor. Who else out there is in the same situation? And any of you have any good advice to find the balance?
I could have written this post fifteen years ago and let me tell you from this side of it: the balance is you do you. Being supportive of each other doesn't mean you have to do the same thing; the boards here are filled with proof that everyone has to approach their health goals individually.
It's taken me an embarressingly long time to figure out that I don't need my now-husband to do this with me (he is much healthier than I am generally, but has his own issues to sort out) and that while we are a team in our relationship and life, when it comes to health and fitness the only person that I'm in it for is me.
Keep talking with each other about your goals; listen to each other, plan meals together if you want and find active things to do together if that is what makes your relationship tick. Otherwise? do all those things on your own You got this. 11 -
linsey0689 wrote: »Okay so I know I'm not the only one out there with this problem. I'm obese and my BF is on the edge of normal weight to underweight according to his BMI. He is very thin, 5'7" and no more than 120 normally 115. I'm obese, trying to make the scale move in my favor. Who else out there is in the same situation? And any of you have any good advice to find the balance?
Find what balance?
A balanced diet?
I agree, find what balance?
You are two different people. Support each other in life but realize your skin ends with you. Being a couple does not mean you have to do everything together including food and health problems. He's a separate person. Let him be him and you be you. Good luck with your health journey.5 -
I've found that if you do you, and he does him, things work out better.
I make 90% of the meals in the house, if he doesn't like what I cook he eats something else. I'm lucky in that 90% of the time he likes what I make - last night I make ground turkey into taco meat. He had burritos, I put the taco meat on sliced green pepper with 2% shredded cheese, red onion and salsa and made low carb nachoes (which by the way, are totally delicious).
When I'm out I'll buy him treats - things I know he loves and I could care less about - so it balances out.
But if you can't do this, you need to sit him down and say "I have a goal and I need to succeed. This is what I need from you to succeed." He'll support you, but you need to do this on your own. I know my success is accomplished by me concentrating on me.3 -
We eat the same things. He eats more, I eat less. Sometimes.11
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Not sure what the problem is
I'm not skinny but my GF thinks so. I'm muscular & fit at 5'8" & 158#. My GF is soft and curvy "overweight" at 5' & 145.
She always talks about losing weight but never really does anything about it. I'd support her effort to lose wt, if she made one, but she doesn't.
I'm on a strict cal diet but it is not a deprivation diet - lots of protein & carbs but limited fat. I do all the cooking and she can eat as little or as much as she likes. Same thing applies when we eat out. The choice of what and how much to eat is always hers.
Don't know how it could be done any other way.
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BMI is a false number! take no notice of it! Its dictated by a formula that takes you as a 2D shape! Most Rugby players are over 30! Obese! But you wouldn't say they are unfit!?
Intervals are a great way to get the scales going in a downward direction you might also want to think about Zumba or the like?
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My wife and I only eat one meal together because of work and all of that nonsense, so for dinner I just have a larger serving. Same thing for our nightly snack, I just have larger servings since we generally like the same thing. Are you guys eating every single meal and snack together where this is actually a problem?2
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I am right in your ballpark. My spouse let me know the other week that he didn't find my body attractive anymore. I appreciate his honesty, it was the kick I needed to start taking my calorie counting seriously (and start going to the gym)
He is 6'1" and 168lbs. He eats whatever he wants, up to and including a whole pizza for dinner three times a week.
Dieting is hard in my household, but to compensate - I don't restrict types of foods. Everything is within my diet as long as I can fit it into my calories. I am very strict on Lunch however, and I skip breakfast (I am usually not hungry anyway). I buy pre-made frozen lunches from the store (usually healthy choice steamers) and don't snack (much) throughout the day. This leaves me with around 700-900 calories for dinner, which means I can usually eat whatever junk is on the menu if I'm not the one cooking!
He balances this out by ordering for himself usually, or chasing me away from the pizza (like I asked him to
) I will completely skip out on a meal that is too high calorie, often choosing to make my own dinners with food he doesn't like.
So far we are making it work. It's strange to think that I weigh so much more than him, and I've always been uncomfortable being so big while he's so skinny. I can't wait to weigh less than him though!2 -
My husband is tall & skinny. 6' and 140 lbs with his clothes on. The only time he's ever gained weight was when he was managing a cafe and could eat whenever and wasn't really that busy. He lost all weight he had gained within 3 months of starting a new job. He doesn't eat healthy and skinny doesn't equal healthy. He's scared to death of getting lab work done because he's positive he has some cholesterol issues going on and who knows what else.
Since we both work full time, we're really only together at dinner. It's usually a healthy meal that fits into my diet. He'll have either a larger porton or he'll make some thing else later. Otherwise, we just make sure we have fresh fruit & veggies in the house for weekends or snacking. We don't keep junk food in the house, my husband doesn't like most of it and I would rather our 4 year old not have it openly available to him on a regular basis. And it works for us.2 -
This has been difficult for me because I like the same things in the same amounts that my husband eats. I've had to make a major effort to keep my eyes on my own plate because when I see that he has about 2 cups of something that I can only have 1/2 cup of because that's what fits into my calories, I get envious and unhappy. It doesn't help that he's lost about 20 pounds since the beginning of the year just from cutting back here and there, and I haven't really lost anything.1
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Yes. My husband is smaller than me, though he is very tall. 6'2 and about 190 pounds. He has a very active job. He eats like an animal!! I got into a bad habit of trying to keep up with eating with him, and I eventually gained 40 pounds since being with him! I'm 5'2 and 280 pounds! I've tried dieting before while being with him but always quit because I couldn't help myself with the foods he was eating and that I loved so much. When I recently saw my weight @280 I had a serious talk and told him I need to lose weight to be healthy and he needs to eat better due to high blood pressure! He's been very supportive, eating healthy (I usually cook two helpings of everything for him though) and he's been walking with me 5 days a week!
If you can get your husband to help support you and maybe even have 1-2 healthy meals with you a day and maybe start off walking with him 1-2 times a week, (nothing that will make him roll his eyes or do it begrudgingly) that will help you a lot! From then on once you get into the habit, you"ll feel better and take on your own thing. Support from you spouse will defiantly make it easier and more motivation IF he helps you along your journey!! Good luck to you!0 -
The thing for many of us with partners and families is that they are different sizes than us, have different activity levels, different calorie needs. Focus on yourself and what you are doing. Let him take care of himself and he can eat more calorie dense foods.
In my family I have a husband and daughter who both weigh less than me but actually need to have more calories than me. Reality is that I am a 43 year old sedentary woman. I can't eat like an active man or teenager unless I become really active. If their diet looked exactly like mine they would certainly lose weight too but they don't need to.
So I log my food. I use a food scale. I watch my calorie intake. I probably eat more vegetables than they do. I drink water or unsweetened tea. I look up nutritional information and read labels. I increase my activity a bit.
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My husband is about 8 inches taller than me. His job is active and mine is not. We do not have the same calorie requirements yet I often ate as much or more than he ate. When I started on mfp I was obese and he was a healthy weight. Now we are both a healthy weight. We still mostly eat the same things. He just eats larger portions than I do. I eat more veggies because I like them and he doesn't and he drinks more beer than me because he just does. I don't want to waste too many calories on beer so I rarely have more than 1 or 2. I cannot eat like an active 6" tall man when I am a 5"3.5" woman. It isn't really about balance. It all boils down to you figuring out how many calories you need and him figuring out how many he needs. It sounds like right now you need to eat at a deficit and he needs to eat at a surplus. You can't expect him not to eat certain foods that he may need to be eating just because you have decided that you can't have them.4
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I'm in a similar situation. My partner is 5'10" and 135; while I am 5'3" and at my heaviest, 195 (CW 160). He constantly reassures me that I'm not so big, but I know the facts. I've been trying to lose weight on and off for about three years now, but only now have we found a healthy balance.
I'm very lucky because he enjoys the energy he gets from eating healthy and cleaner like I do. We cook and share meals together. He always eats considerably more, and we often make starchy foods (rice, pasta, potatoes) on the side for him. Sometimes, he wants junk food, but he goes out with his friends to get it, or we go somewhere we can compromise.
What's interesting is I've always been the athletic one even though he's always been the thin one. So I've been enjoying getting him to go to the gym with me and pushing him to be more active while he encourages me to stick to my diet so I can lose weight I want to.1 -
I had a skinny partner when I started out. 90+ pounds later, not so much! He really didn't like it when I started getting more attractive than him.
Not sure what kind of balance you are looking for, but be aware that relationships and power dynamics can change a lot when one partner loses weight.9 -
My husband is about 8 inches taller than me. His job is active and mine is not. We do not have the same calorie requirements yet I often ate as much or more than he ate. When I started on mfp I was obese and he was a healthy weight. Now we are both a healthy weight. We still mostly eat the same things. He just eats larger portions than I do. I eat more veggies because I like them and he doesn't and he drinks more beer than me because he just does. I don't want to waste too many calories on beer so I rarely have more than 1 or 2. I cannot eat like an active 6" tall man when I am a 5"3.5" woman. It isn't really about balance. It all boils down to you figuring out how many calories you need and him figuring out how many he needs. It sounds like right now you need to eat at a deficit and he needs to eat at a surplus. You can't expect him not to eat certain foods that he may need to be eating just because you have decided that you can't have them.
Ya, I used to split pizzas with my OH, who is a foot taller than I am. Now I take 3 slices and he 5. I also have a big salad, which psychologically makes up for that missing piece.
In general, I also eat more veggies and less starch.2 -
When I started dating my last partner I was chunky, overweight. Not terribly obese. He was skinny. I found losing weight dating him to be easy because honestly....he snacked a lot less than me. Yeah, we'd maybe have a high calorie meal together on the weekend, but I'd fast during the day for it and he didn't really eat sweets or chips at night so....I wasn't going to.0
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I cook for all 3 of us (we have a son). I just eat less. I put all my recipes into the MFP recipe builder, as 1svg=1gram (# of servings = total weight of all ingredients) so I can easily weigh things out. Since we both work FT, we don't have lunch together most days. I make better choices for myself on that & leave some wiggle room for weekends.
I've done the whole "make two meals" approach. It's a pain. So I make 1 meal now, and I eat less.2 -
I'm an obese vegetarian married to a thinner meat eater. I always do two mains and we come together on sides, salads, and desserts. I've gone to lighter options with those, but he picks his main dish each week and as long as his doctor is satisfied, I can just as easily not eat lean ground beef as I can not eat breaded fried chicken.0
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Do you want to lose weight? Then exercise, diet, and lose weight. Do you not care if you're obese? Then enjoy life as it is.
But clearly, since you posted here, you sense a need for advice, so here's mine:
Love yourself the way you are.
Exercise and become strong and healthy. You will feel better, and your relationships will be better as a result.
If you gained weight after the relationship began, it's not really fair to him. Decide if you want to keep eating or keep seeing him. If you are happy with your size and he isn't, let him go. If he's fine, he might be a keeper!
If you get any pressure from him to change into something you aren't, walk away now. You need a friend, not a judge.3
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