Comments on pre-weight loss body

135

Replies

  • brookielaw
    brookielaw Posts: 814 Member
    Personally I don't think you're being over-sensitive. Your inner core is the same as it was when you were heavier, or less active, or less toned, right? So he likes today's prettier package but wouldn't have given you the time of day before (at least that's what it sounds like to me). Are there other things about you that he would like you to change to please his tastes?

    The question becomes is that something you are willing to accept?
  • DmaMfz
    DmaMfz Posts: 125 Member
    If I were causally dating someone and it turned into more over time, there’s no way I wouldn’t be paranoid about gaining another pound, knowing there were conditions to the “relationship”. Fortunately you’re in a position where you’re not attached yet. For this reason, why let these manipulative and emotionally toxic things slide, right?

    To anyone defending it, if she is building a foundation now, why do you think this guy would be a remotely good choice? If the answer is, he’s not, then why risk the off chance of it developing further.

    I can almost guarantee this guy is no Adonis either. He wants you to be his trophy to inflate his ego. Gross.
  • lokihen
    lokihen Posts: 382 Member
    WhereIsPJSoles wrote: »
    I know what you mean about how people can be a little flippant about relationships they’re not in online. But I will say in this case it’s helped me put the situation into a realistic perspective. Right after he said it I felt like “ok wow, he’s honest. I was a disgusting piece of crap, but he’s honest” and then slowly after talking about it I’ve realized that it was actually super rude and most people would’ve been offended too and I’m not being overly sensitive - it was just a mean thing to say.

    And the fact that he waited a day to say it means he had time to think of non-jerk things and chose the jerk thing, anyway. That might be for some women, but I just can’t. There’s nothing redeeming here.

    I think if he is contributing to you thinking you were 'a disgusting piece of crap' even though you said you weren't even overweight at the time, then there is something emotionally unhealthy going on.

    Disclaimer: I do not advocate people thinking they are disgusting or crap when overweight.
  • HellYeahItsKriss
    HellYeahItsKriss Posts: 906 Member
    WhereIsPJSoles wrote: »
    I know what you mean about how people can be a little flippant about relationships they’re not in online. But I will say in this case it’s helped me put the situation into a realistic perspective. Right after he said it I felt like “ok wow, he’s honest. I was a disgusting piece of crap, but he’s honest” and then slowly after talking about it I’ve realized that it was actually super rude and most people would’ve been offended too and I’m not being overly sensitive - it was just a mean thing to say.

    And the fact that he waited a day to say it means he had time to think of non-jerk things and chose the jerk thing, anyway. That might be for some women, but I just can’t. There’s nothing redeeming here.

    I dont think you were being over sensitive, no. It's your call on it.

    Sometimes people can be flat out dumb as *kitten* tho.. =/

    Especially if they have never had a weight problem. It's not a relating issue and ignorance on it can be a real problem.

    When i first met my boyfriend, he was the type who was never over weight growing up, he went to the gym daily, did an hour or more of cardio, and could just eat without worrying about it.
    He often made comments that were rather generalized about fat people.. like how would they not notice they were getting big and do something about it or he thought that if people just went to the gym weight wouldn't be a problem. I used to try and explain that it wasn't that people just didn't notice or that going to the gym wasn't just going to fix it all.. but it was like talking to a wall and since i was 300 pounds before, it was infuriating why he just couldn't grasp how ignorant he was being, but he just could not relate at all to the struggle of being over weight. And some people can use empathy really well.. but there is people who just can't see passed their own life and experiences. It sucks. He used to be confused why i would be offended by it because I did something about it so i was an example of what he was saying.

    Anyway.. several months into the relationship he has gained some weight now.. going from 198 pounds to 224, he still goes to the gym but cardio has dropped to 30 min every second day now. His portion sizes are bigger too and he eats out more often now. He has noticed that gut he has gotten and some of his pants no longer fit. But is he doing anything about it? Nope. It's hard to just notice it and change things and he can relate now for the first time. I have not heard a generalized comment towards fat people in quite some time.

    Now mind you.. There was good qualities about my boyfriend outside of his plain ignorance, thats why i said, its ultimately your call on it, either you feel he is a scum bag or he is just unable to understand something that really is obvious but forest for the tree with some people.. it happens. You will know the difference, its why i didn't comment much, i don't know the guy. Im glad you found perspective on it.
  • klowieislyfe1
    klowieislyfe1 Posts: 46 Member
    Sounds like you're dating an *kitten*.
  • HellYeahItsKriss
    HellYeahItsKriss Posts: 906 Member
    WhereIsPJSoles wrote: »
    Oh this guy has definitely never struggled with his weight. He talks about how much he can eat and eat and eat and never gain a pound a lot. It's a really cool story I love hearing about every week. I'm not bitter. Nope. I hope he tells it again one more time.

    It really does seem to me that his comments are triggered by his own life. If he is the type that grew up always dating the same kind of girls.. nice body, tanned, etc, he might just think that is how women want to be. They want to do things with their hair. They want to be tanned. They want to be thin. It would honestly not surprise me at all if his thought on it was that those things are a way women take care of themselves. Like some guys think that when a women goes and gets her nails and stuff done. I don't do any of that stuff and i take care of myself, but there are probably men out there who think i am not trying in their view. He also may believe he eats a lot and he probably doesn't, which is why he thinks he can eat and eat and not gain a pound, he also may think that he isn't all that lazy and that people who are gaining are just eating and being lazy. You don't have to put up with someone like that, that is totally optional, It would be a hard person to be around if you feel differently and relate to that life more then he does. Even if it took over a day for him to make the comment, if he is really stuck not seeing passed his own nose, even after that long, he probably can't even understand that either. If he really has no other good points that out weigh his potential ignorance, then you know what you need to do, there is guys out there who can relate to that for sure. I just don't like to jump the gun too much on situations without knowing more background. I think if i had come here and spoke about my boyfriends previous comments, i would of likely got the same response about kicking him to the curb, but there were also plenty of good things about him.

    He has my back. He is always there when i need anything, he always asks if i want anything or need anything while he is out. He always wants to give me his time, go out and do things with me, When i am sick, he always wants to go and get me meds so i can feel better, when i am depressed or sad he sits with me and hugs me. Eventually I just decided that he is the type who just can't relate until he goes through it... and when he's like that i just started pinching his nipples. ...lol
  • ljmorgi
    ljmorgi Posts: 264 Member
    WhereIsPJSoles wrote: »
    ljmorgi wrote: »
    WhereIsPJSoles wrote: »
    joemac1988 wrote: »
    I'd say you could be overthinking it. He was specifically referring to your looks which is superficial and isn't about YOU as a person. If he had said "I don't ever want you to BE like that again"....well, that's different. On the plus side he's honest. Imagine you had pink hair when you met him, now it's natural and he said "I don't want to ever see you look like that again", would you laugh it off or would it bother you?

    You’re right, that probably wouldn’t bother me. And I do appreciate the honesty. But now that I’m looking back on it I realize he’s also suggested I dye my hair, get a fake tan, and get more revealing clothes. And I’ve known him 5 months. And it’s all just a little weird when I look at it all together instead of the separate incidents they were

    Soooooo... he's not actually interested in kinda-sorta dating you, but someone who maybe looks a little like you? Aw hell naw.

    Yeah! He does like my eyes, so I guess keep those but just change everything else and I'll be good to go

    Does his ideal woman have duckface?
  • Good_Morning_Glory
    Good_Morning_Glory Posts: 226 Member
    MistressSara wrote: »
    MySweetLavinia wrote: »
    HellYeahItsKriss wrote: »
    Did everyones current partner never say anything dumb or rude or felt disrespectful ever?

    Actually yes, my husband is never rude or disrespectful to me. Don't think he ever has been once in our relationship, and we've been together ten years. He's said dumb stuff (don't we all) but not directed at me, and definitely not about my body, even when I was at my worst. Maybe I am just lucky!

    If a guy said to me what OP's buddy said to her, I would tell him to bug off. A person would have to be either incredibly stupid or incredibly self-centered to not understand that weight and body are sensitive subjects for most people, even very fit and attractive people.

    Married twenty years, my husband struggles with communication, but he has never, would never, say something like that.

    I’ve been equally blessed. Never a single word about my body except to compliment. I mean he’ll make fun of me but never about my weight. He’s grand.

  • HellYeahItsKriss
    HellYeahItsKriss Posts: 906 Member
    Yup. It happens. Mine does the same. He also does the belly thing.. I'll be laying there and he takes his hand and jiggles me lol.. so you and I seem to be dating twins.
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  • Christine_72
    Christine_72 Posts: 16,049 Member
    HellYeahItsKriss wrote: »
    Yup. It happens. Mine does the same. He also does the belly thing.. I'll be laying there and he takes his hand and jiggles me lol.. so you and I seem to be dating twins.

    Haha yep. He knows my belly really bothers me, so playing with it is his way of letting me know that he loves me and my bajiggly paunch. It still bugs me though...

  • HellYeahItsKriss
    HellYeahItsKriss Posts: 906 Member
    edited December 2017
    And if the guy is legit being an *kitten* hat then yeah it would for me too.. all I said was it needed more context before jumping on the kick him to the curb band wagon
  • HellYeahItsKriss
    HellYeahItsKriss Posts: 906 Member
    Christine_72 wrote: »
    HellYeahItsKriss wrote: »
    Yup. It happens. Mine does the same. He also does the belly thing.. I'll be laying there and he takes his hand and jiggles me lol.. so you and I seem to be dating twins.

    Haha yep. He knows my belly really bothers me, so playing with it is his way of letting me know that he loves me and my bajiggly paunch. It still bugs me though...

    Lol. I assume that's why Dustin does it too.. I can't remember if it bothered me at first or not. I just go with it.. only time it bugs me is if j wake up to pee and I'm still tired and try to go back to sleep and he wakes up and starts jiggling me. It shakes my whole body lol
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,423 Member
    HellYeahItsKriss wrote: »
    I can't comment because I wasn't there to witness it.. thats what i mean, she can choose whatever she wants to do, based on how she feels about it, she can go, she can ask, etc, but without more context, sometimes people can say things thinking they are making a joke and it's really not funny.. im not saying don't give her advice or suggest it's unhealthy, but it's a common thing i have noticed over time on many threads, someone has an issue, talks about it and everyones first reaction is "Kick him to the curb".. Did everyones current partner never say anything dumb or rude or felt disrespectful ever?

    I advise people who are in these situations to give it a lot of thought and make up their own mind. If it were me and this were going on it would be a sign we should not go further. I'm not going to tell someone who has been together for years to break up over 1 dumb comment. People can work things out if underneath it is coming from a place of caring. But if a date or partner makes you feel *kitten* or uncomfortable multiple times then really think hard about being with that person. To me that isn't an awkward caring guy who had a brain fart moment.

    I've been married for 18 years and my dh has never had a habit of saying or doing rude, dumb, disrespectful things. He is not perfect but never had that particular issue. He has told me I am sexy and he loves me at every weight I have been. He told me he wants me to be happy with my weight and healthy. I feel the same about him. So I don't really get accepting "I don't ever want to see you gain weight" comments from a partner.

  • dsboohead
    dsboohead Posts: 1,899 Member
    WhereIsPJSoles wrote: »
    Nony_Mouse wrote: »
    WhereIsPJSoles wrote: »
    Haven’t talked to him since, but I don’t know how sensitive I’m being. I just don’t get it because I was the living, breathing “before” when I met him.

    I don't think you're being over-sensitive. That kind of behaviour is telling, and should be off putting to any woman imho. But again, you were there, we weren't.

    Have you been dating right from when you met him, or did that come later?

    Yeah pretty much, no “just friends” time or anything. But it’s super casual dating, not like a relationship. So definitely easier to back away from.

    No point in seeing this fool! I would certainly hate to be pregnant around him.......jerk!
  • lynn_glenmont
    lynn_glenmont Posts: 10,093 Member
    HellYeahItsKriss wrote: »
    PaulaWallaDingDong wrote: »
    I don't tolerate disrespect. I'm the same person as I was in the before pictures. If you disrespect her, you disrespect me. Not sure I'd break up over it but I would straighten that *kitten* out in a hurry.

    Exactly. You can stick up for your feelings without just shoving someone out of your life over It.

    That's why I said to ask him what he meant. Listen to his response and then tell him how it made you feel. How can someone show you that they meant well if you just say *kitten* you and thats that.

    No one has a right to be in your life. If someone wants someone out of their life, that's their right. You can kick someone to the curb just because you don't want them in your life. People who think they have a right to a reason that they consider adequate for being kicked out of someone else's life have just demonstrated that they don't respect the autonomy of the person who doesn't want them in their life -- which is a really good reason not to want somebody in your life.
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