Comments on pre-weight loss body
Replies
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Okay but this post aside, in general, people say stupid things all the time.. often times cause it just comes out wrong, my point is, that if you just kick every person out of your life because their comment made you feel bad.. sometimes** people do deserve a second chance. Again, this post aside. I think people are too entirely focused on this thread and my comments.10
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GemstoneofHeart wrote: »I agree that it was rude and definitely not his place to say something like that, but we all say stupid things and have word vomit on occasion.
I suggest talking to him and letting him know it bothered you. Set some boundaries on what is okay and what isn’t regarding your body. If he’s a good guy, he’ll apologize and work to do better. If not, there’s your answer.
I don’t like how we as women tend to automatically dismiss a man whenever he makes any mistake. We need to practice communication and forgiveness before deciding to never talk to someone again.
There's a difference between saying something stupid and being controlling. This guy has exhibited a pattern of wanting her to change her appearance in all kinds of ways to suit him.
And controlling, abusive individuals often apologize and promise to try to do better. It doesn't make them good guys.14 -
It's a pretty douchy thing to say, but if that's the only time he's ever said something obnoxious to you, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and write it off.5
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HellYeahItsKriss wrote: »As someone who is dating a guy who means well but the words never come out right...
Ask him what he meant. If he meant well he meant well.. but you won't know until you ask and only you would know the sincerity in his responses.
Sorry this is a bit behind the game but:
That all depends on his character. Abusive guys always do the "but I love you baby" routine, then turn around and keep playing mind games with you. Just because he says "Oh yeah, I meant well" doesn't mean he actually did or its a good situation to stay in.
ETA: OP It seems like your gut is telling you this isn't the best situation. Go with your instincts, they are alot better then we realize sometimes.7 -
I must not be speaking english on this thread.. lol
Anyway, rather then waste more time trying to just give some guys the benefit of the doubt in a general sense outside of this thread, im just going to pretend to jump on the kick him to the curb if he says anything wagon..12 -
MySweetLavinia wrote: »HellYeahItsKriss wrote: »Did everyones current partner never say anything dumb or rude or felt disrespectful ever?
Actually yes, my husband is never rude or disrespectful to me. Don't think he ever has been once in our relationship, and we've been together ten years. He's said dumb stuff (don't we all) but not directed at me, and definitely not about my body, even when I was at my worst. Maybe I am just lucky!
If a guy said to me what OP's buddy said to her, I would tell him to bug off. A person would have to be either incredibly stupid or incredibly self-centered to not understand that weight and body are sensitive subjects for most people, even very fit and attractive people.
My first husband was just like OPs guy. Maybe that's why I'm so sensitive about it and probably projecting a little bit.
My current husband has never once said anything rude, hurtful or disrespectful to me. I purposely looked for a man I knew wouldn't do that. It's simply not in him to be unkind. Do we annoy each other occasionally? Absolutely. Do we disagree and sometimes argue? You bet!
But it never turns personal or mean. That's the difference.2 -
HellYeahItsKriss wrote: »I didn't say it had to be about your body. I said about anything.
Congrats tho ladies for marrying perfect human beings I guess? Lol..
in my experience people can say something rude without knowing it came out that way.
I realize I will not have the popular opinion. But oh well.. the OP understood I was speaking from a general stance so that's all I care about
No Kriss, we're just sharing different perspectives, experiences and opinions in the hopes of maybe helping OP a bit. I have great respect for your contributions here on the board. Nothing but luv :-)9 -
HellYeahItsKriss wrote: »I didn't say it had to be about your body. I said about anything.
Congrats tho ladies for marrying perfect human beings I guess? Lol..
in my experience people can say something rude without knowing it came out that way.
I realize I will not have the popular opinion. But oh well.. the OP understood I was speaking from a general stance so that's all I care about
Hahahaha!! Perfect my *kitten*. He can be a perfect dick. He would just never go there regarding size or weight. Probably because he has sisters?
I get what you’re saying. And agree. Because I’ve said things that were construed as hurtful when it wasn’t meant that way. To ME. But we’re all different in our levels of sensitivity.
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The way he said it is weird. “I don’t ever want to see you look like that again” This sounds red flaggy. Especially since he TOLD you you shouldn't be offended. Why does he think he has say in what you do with your body or how you feel? Weird............3
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I'm not one of those people who runs after a single weird comment, I swear. In fact, I've stayed way too long in relationships with my rose colored glasses on not being able to see the red flags. I put my foot in my mouth, I apologize, I hope they get over it. Guys do it to me, too. This one comment felt totally different though, because it WAS pretty controlling. And just going with my gut, if I addressed this, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't get an apology. That's why he immediately went in with why I shouldn't be offended. He thought about it, decided to say it, and anticipated that I might take it badly, and had a defense for that too. And that's just too much, like I can roll with a lot in relationships and friendships, but you know...if this was just a friend and they had said something like that to me, I'd be distancing myself. Maybe it means I'm thin skinned, but that's not likely to change soon so I'm doing a favor for the both of us by not being a part of it any more.12
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What a jerk comment. I can't think of any way around what he said that would make it even slightly OK. And since it wasn't the first comment that was off-putting, there's a pattern.1
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HellYeahItsKriss wrote: »I find it funny how easy it is to tell someone else to kick a guy to the curb simply from 1 situation in a small paragraph.
People can sometimes suck and saying what they mean the right way.
I am one of those people. Blunt and I have no social skills. Should everyone cast me out of their life too?
Nope!
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eliciaobrien1 wrote: »The way he said it is weird. “I don’t ever want to see you look like that again” This sounds red flaggy. Especially since he TOLD you you shouldn't be offended. Why does he think he has say in what you do with your body or how you feel? Weird............
Just...all of this.
JMO.1 -
WhereIsPJSoles wrote: »I'm not one of those people who runs after a single weird comment, I swear. In fact, I've stayed way too long in relationships with my rose colored glasses on not being able to see the red flags. I put my foot in my mouth, I apologize, I hope they get over it. Guys do it to me, too. This one comment felt totally different though, because it WAS pretty controlling. And just going with my gut, if I addressed this, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't get an apology. That's why he immediately went in with why I shouldn't be offended. He thought about it, decided to say it, and anticipated that I might take it badly, and had a defense for that too. And that's just too much, like I can roll with a lot in relationships and friendships, but you know...if this was just a friend and they had said something like that to me, I'd be distancing myself. Maybe it means I'm thin skinned, but that's not likely to change soon so I'm doing a favor for the both of us by not being a part of it any more.
The thing is, when someone is negging you, you're SUPPOSED to doubt yourself.
Run, Forest.2 -
Christine_72 wrote: »HellYeahItsKriss wrote: »I didn't say it had to be about your body. I said about anything.
Congrats tho ladies for marrying perfect human beings I guess? Lol..
in my experience people can say something rude without knowing it came out that way.
I realize I will not have the popular opinion. But oh well.. the OP understood I was speaking from a general stance so that's all I care about
Fear not Kriss.. I married a far from perfect guy! He thinks he's saying something positive and harmless, but it comes out the complete opposite as the way he intended it. You'd think he would have learnt to keep his mouth shut by now, but naaah
My boyfriend thought it would be flattering to say "I just assume you dated all the guys you've introduced me to." Apparently he in his sleepiness thought this was a compliment because he meant because I'm so pretty and social. I believe him too. He's nothing but sweet to me. Men say the dumbest things sometimes. We definitely had a talk though about why this statement was hurtful. He felt so bad.1 -
Jackibrazil wrote: »Christine_72 wrote: »HellYeahItsKriss wrote: »I didn't say it had to be about your body. I said about anything.
Congrats tho ladies for marrying perfect human beings I guess? Lol..
in my experience people can say something rude without knowing it came out that way.
I realize I will not have the popular opinion. But oh well.. the OP understood I was speaking from a general stance so that's all I care about
Fear not Kriss.. I married a far from perfect guy! He thinks he's saying something positive and harmless, but it comes out the complete opposite as the way he intended it. You'd think he would have learnt to keep his mouth shut by now, but naaah
My boyfriend thought it would be flattering to say "I just assume you dated all the guys you've introduced me to." Apparently he in his sleepiness thought this was a compliment because he meant because I'm so pretty and social. I believe him too. He's nothing but sweet to me. Men say the dumbest things sometimes. We definitely had a talk though about why this statement was hurtful. He felt so bad.
Oh my God, so funny. I don't mean it's funny that you got hurt, that part is awful but I am just imagining his "I did NOT say that" look that surely must have followed. Oh dear goodness.
My otherwise sensitive, appreciative and (you won't believe this after reading the following) intelligent ex-husband once said to me, comparing me to his ex: "You know, [the ex] was like a Camero. All flash on the outside, totally sexy, everybody WANTS a hot car but there's no substance. But you, [LAWoman72]...you're more like...kind of like a station wagon, I guess. Oh sure, maybe not so much fanciness on the outside but I always know when I get into a station wagon that if I put the key in it's going to work. Every single time. You never have to guess with a station wagon. It's dependable."
I could see his increasing look of panic and "holy s---, I'm digging myself in deeper but I just can't shut up" as this utterly tragic, plane-crashing-into-the-side-of-a-mountain speech progressed. Finally he petered out, thank God. I'm surprised he ever spoke again.
Poor dude.
For oh, probably a good month after that, every time he snuggled close in just that special way I'd ask him, "Are you ready to put the key in now? Am I expected to turn over reliably?" so eventually we were able to laugh our way out of it.14 -
Jackibrazil wrote: »Christine_72 wrote: »HellYeahItsKriss wrote: »I didn't say it had to be about your body. I said about anything.
Congrats tho ladies for marrying perfect human beings I guess? Lol..
in my experience people can say something rude without knowing it came out that way.
I realize I will not have the popular opinion. But oh well.. the OP understood I was speaking from a general stance so that's all I care about
Fear not Kriss.. I married a far from perfect guy! He thinks he's saying something positive and harmless, but it comes out the complete opposite as the way he intended it. You'd think he would have learnt to keep his mouth shut by now, but naaah
My boyfriend thought it would be flattering to say "I just assume you dated all the guys you've introduced me to." Apparently he in his sleepiness thought this was a compliment because he meant because I'm so pretty and social. I believe him too. He's nothing but sweet to me. Men say the dumbest things sometimes. We definitely had a talk though about why this statement was hurtful. He felt so bad.
Oh my God, so funny. I don't mean it's funny that you got hurt, that part is awful but I am just imagining his "I did NOT say that" look that surely must have followed. Oh dear goodness.
My otherwise sensitive, appreciative and (you won't believe this after reading the following) intelligent ex-husband once said to me, comparing me to his ex: "You know, [the ex] was like a Camero. All flash on the outside, totally sexy, everybody WANTS a hot car but there's no substance. But you, [LAWoman72]...you're more like...kind of like a station wagon, I guess. Oh sure, maybe not so much fanciness on the outside but I always know when I get into a station wagon that if I put the key in it's going to work. Every single time. You never have to guess with a station wagon. It's dependable."
I could see his increasing look of panic and "holy s---, I'm digging myself in deeper but I just can't shut up" as this utterly tragic, plane-crashing-into-the-side-of-a-mountain speech progressed. Finally he petered out, thank God. I'm surprised he ever spoke again.
Poor dude.
For oh, probably a good month after that, every time he snuggled close in just that special way I'd ask him, "Are you ready to put the key in now? Am I expected to turn over reliably?" so eventually we were able to laugh our way out of it.
That is some epic foot-in-mouth right there. Wow. I would totally tease the *kitten* out of my husband if he said something like that. Even if I’m quite proud of being reliable.2 -
I think the moral of the story is if it makes you feel like *kitten* and you aren’t willing to put up wth it don’t. I am married to the perfect man and he still says dumb stuff sometimes the to have to say “seriously guy? That felt like the right comment?” There is room for dumb things to be said in relationships, you just need to know you, and your significant other and what you are willing to ignore and what you are not.0
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Generally this is a foreshadowing of the future. What he said was really rude and if it was just one stupid comment, I'd say let it go. But apparently he's said other things that make the OP think he's not happy with her for her. The appropriate thing to say (if anything) is I'm happy that you are taking care of your health.HellYeahItsKriss wrote: »PaulaWallaDingDong wrote: »I don't tolerate disrespect. I'm the same person as I was in the before pictures. If you disrespect her, you disrespect me. Not sure I'd break up over it but I would straighten that *kitten* out in a hurry.
Exactly. You can stick up for your feelings without just shoving someone out of your life over It.
That's why I said to ask him what he meant. Listen to his response and then tell him how it made you feel. How can someone show you that they meant well if you just say *kitten* you and thats that.0 -
Jackibrazil wrote: »Christine_72 wrote: »HellYeahItsKriss wrote: »I didn't say it had to be about your body. I said about anything.
Congrats tho ladies for marrying perfect human beings I guess? Lol..
in my experience people can say something rude without knowing it came out that way.
I realize I will not have the popular opinion. But oh well.. the OP understood I was speaking from a general stance so that's all I care about
Fear not Kriss.. I married a far from perfect guy! He thinks he's saying something positive and harmless, but it comes out the complete opposite as the way he intended it. You'd think he would have learnt to keep his mouth shut by now, but naaah
My boyfriend thought it would be flattering to say "I just assume you dated all the guys you've introduced me to." Apparently he in his sleepiness thought this was a compliment because he meant because I'm so pretty and social. I believe him too. He's nothing but sweet to me. Men say the dumbest things sometimes. We definitely had a talk though about why this statement was hurtful. He felt so bad.
This is a good example for showing the difference between the OP situation and the "one stupid or rude comment" that people are saying aren't a reason to kick someone to the curb (aside from the fact that OP has clarified that it wasn't just one statement, but part of a pattern).
"I just assume you dated all the guys you've introduced me to" was clearly a stupid thing to say, and probably felt rude/insulting when he first said it, before you figured out what he meant. But it's not controlling. He didn't say, "I don't want you talking to all these guys anymore, because I assume you dated all of them." He didn't say, "And you shouldn't feel offended, because it's reasonable for me to feel this way, and if you love me, you shouldn't feel the need to be talking to all these guys you dated before." Controlling is telling you what to do and how to feel, and insisting that you accept someone else's version of reality, even when you absolutely know it's false. Stupid and rude are not the same thing as controlling.8 -
I posted a pic to Instagram instead of to that guy, learning from my mistakes. One of my friends sent me a message of encouragement that made me feel so much better. She just gets me .
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You look great in both!!4
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Are these the pics you also sent to that guy? I can see your great progress but holy hell, you already had a banging' body! I mean what on earth...? This is just weird. P.s. I love your friend. Awesome, LOL.9
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Gotta say my hubby loves my body at 256 and he loves it at 153. I k ow this becaise there is exuberant gratitude when he gets to, um, see it.8
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Are these the pics you also sent to that guy? I can see your great progress but holy hell, you already had a banging' body! I mean what on earth...? This is just weird. P.s. I love your friend. Awesome, LOL.
Those weren’t the pics, but swimsuit versions of me at roughly the same sizes. From what he said you’d think the first pic would be me face down in some vomit in a gutter.
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WhereIsPJSoles wrote: »Are these the pics you also sent to that guy? I can see your great progress but holy hell, you already had a banging' body! I mean what on earth...? This is just weird. P.s. I love your friend. Awesome, LOL.
Those weren’t the pics, but swimsuit versions of me at roughly the same sizes. From what he said you’d think the first pic would be me face down in some vomit in a gutter.
Right, I mean if he NEVER wanted to see you that way again I was picturing one of those terrible pics you see floating around for mean people to make fun of, of the severely overweight person in a half-shirt stuffing her mouth with cake hunched over quadruple-rolls and looking up in guilty terror at the camera.
Instead what I see is Jessica Rabbit.
Maybe I'm just crazy. OTOH, maybe your now-ex is just a shaft.5 -
it could just be a dumb guys unthoughtful way of trying to motivate or keep you going down the road of progress. In my opinion if that’s the only flaw you find in him the entire time you’ve been seeing him, then it was just a moment of stupidity on his part. If there are other red flags though, take it for what it’s worth in camparison to everything he has done.4
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