Do you ever wish someone had "called you out" over your weight?
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If anyone cares to answer, did those of you who developed eating disorders or just a disordered relationship with food, ever have a conversation with your parents about it? Or those who didn't develop a disorder but had parents call them fat when they weren't?
I'm just curious as to whether some parents ever acknowledged their role in weight issues with their children?
No. My mother developed her own weight problem as the years went by and we also grew further apart as I aged. She passed away from cancer before I came to grips with my weight and we were pretty much estranged.
It was sad, because when I was a young adult, we were very close, but as I grew older, my ideologies shifted and my mother wasn't the type to handle people thinking differently than her with any kind of grace. She took it personally. That's what caused the rift.
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KrazyKrissyy wrote: »I was called out when I was obese. Mainly by my mother and my sister. "Stop being a pig." "Your legs are getting fat." "You've put on a lot of weight." Etc. Am actually grateful (In a weird way). Sugarcoating isn't always the answer. Tough love works lol.
This post exemplifies the issue with this type of "tough love." And, to be frank, so do the other threads you have created on the forum.
By the way, "stop being a pig" is not what I would consider "tough love." It's closer to verbal abuse.5 -
NextRightThing714 wrote: »KrazyKrissyy wrote: »I was called out when I was obese. Mainly by my mother and my sister. "Stop being a pig." "Your legs are getting fat." "You've put on a lot of weight." Etc. Am actually grateful (In a weird way). Sugarcoating isn't always the answer. Tough love works lol.
This post exemplifies the issue with this type of "tough love." And, to be frank, so do the other threads you have created on the forum.
By the way, "stop being a pig" is not what I would consider "tough love." It's closer to verbal abuse.
My mother used to be a model. She knows her stuff and won't hesitate to be blunt.4 -
KrazyKrissyy wrote: »NextRightThing714 wrote: »KrazyKrissyy wrote: »I was called out when I was obese. Mainly by my mother and my sister. "Stop being a pig." "Your legs are getting fat." "You've put on a lot of weight." Etc. Am actually grateful (In a weird way). Sugarcoating isn't always the answer. Tough love works lol.
This post exemplifies the issue with this type of "tough love." And, to be frank, so do the other threads you have created on the forum.
By the way, "stop being a pig" is not what I would consider "tough love." It's closer to verbal abuse.
My mother used to be a model. She knows her stuff and won't hesitate to be blunt.
Great. My point stands.
ETA: I'm being a bit blunt. I just felt the need to note that verbal abuse does not aid weight loss or positive self image. Your initial post on this thread implies otherwise.6 -
No, I don't.
I was a fat baby, a fat kid and a fat everything. Now I've lost a significant amount and fall more under the 'curvy' label.
I was bullied about my weight as a child and in middle school. I was already aware of my extra fat, but the combination led to jojo-dieting, 'water days', compulsive eating disorder and totally damaged my self esteem and body image.
If anything, I only wish kids were not so mean and someone had taught me to make healthier eating habits. The rest was my own poor choices/not feeling like I have a choice other than to go on some 500kcal/day diet.2 -
I guess I'd say no. In a perfect world, maybe someone I loved who UNDERSTOOD children AND nutrition could have helped me, but not everyone has that?
I was a fat kid. I had fat parents. I was surrounded by people who had little knowledge on how to maintain a healthy weight. Power is in knowledge and education. In my situation, it would not have helped.1 -
I think it’s shocking that no one told you or at the very least made fun of you. Do you think you may have been oblivious to jokes being made?
I’m not saying that to be rude, simply that anyone who looks the slightest bit different gets made fun of in middle school or high school. I developed an eating disorder after being made fun of repeatedly for my weight (and I wasn’t even fat, I just developed early). My eating disorder was “cured” by a doctor who told me to not think about it, and so I gained a bunch of weight during another emotional time because I was bingeing.
I can’t help but wonder if you are a man or a woman. Your post doesn’t appear to give any indications. It seems like women get comments relating to their bodies more than men do.
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Plenty have called me out about my weight when I was a teen and it was completely useless if not outright damageful. The problem is they always called out but no one ever showed me the way, even I wanted to lose weight but I was stuck between a doctor who could only say "eat less" and a quite crazy calorie counting mother. She first would do a scene just because she had to count calories for me. Then she'd restrict, restrict and restrict. No wonder I got to grow up with an idea that dieting was a nightmare.
Later on in life, after I lost that weight in my own terms, in my own way, that was neither my mother's nor that doctor's way...yes.
Sometimes I wish my coaches would say something about my weight when it creeps up too high. I understand they are in a dangerous position, athletes, eating disorders, myself I'm probably not the healthiest out there...but neither of them does any comment, ever. At most I can hear silence (agreement) if I say I have gained too much in the off season. Personally I'd prefer both to say something now, because I'm grown up and know how to lose it but I may just lose focus and let too much creep on me before I do anything.0 -
If anyone cares to answer, did those of you who developed eating disorders or just a disordered relationship with food, ever have a conversation with your parents about it? Or those who didn't develop a disorder but had parents call them fat when they weren't?
I'm just curious as to whether some parents ever acknowledged their role in weight issues with their children?
If a child is overweight it is the fault of the parent/caregiver regardless of comments made. Children are children and it is up to the parent to control and guide their young lives. That's what parents are for.4 -
The only time in my life I have ever not been overweight was at birth. I was a fat infant, a fat toddler, a fat kid and grew up to be a fat adult. I got that fact thrown in my face every day of my life. By my parents (who are also overweight, my mom being obese), my brother, my schoolmates, strangers on the street, strangers on the internet, and so forth. I had a verbally abusive childhood, and that made turn to food more than it made me turn away from it. Being called out for my weight issues never fixed them, and I think a different approach might have. Someone teaching me how to eat better, exercising with me so I wasn't so embarrassed about it, someone telling me that me being fat wasn't the worst thing I could ever be. But I got none of that, instead I got being called nasty names and being told I'd never amount to anything and I'd be alone my entire life. I have hated myself for as long as I can remember.
It was only when I decided for myself my weight had to go, while I've been in a loving relationship with a man who never once made me feel less than adequate or less than human because of my weight that I learned to love myself enough to get healthier, for myself. Self-resentment is a hell of a thing.3 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »If anyone cares to answer, did those of you who developed eating disorders or just a disordered relationship with food, ever have a conversation with your parents about it? Or those who didn't develop a disorder but had parents call them fat when they weren't?
I'm just curious as to whether some parents ever acknowledged their role in weight issues with their children?
If a child is overweight it is the fault of the parent/caregiver regardless of comments made. Children are children and it is up to the parent to control and guide their young lives. That's what parents are for.
Sorry, disagree. Parents have a huge influence. But I was the one who was going to the corner store and spending my allowance. Not just on junk food, though I bought some; I can remember buying bread rolls, cheese, plenty of drinks that ranged from pop to fruit juices to fruit drinks to 'Kool Aid clones'. And what was a hot day without ice cream. Had I been an active kid, it probably wouldn't have been so bad, but I had coordination issues and couldn't run very fast without tripping, was lousy at gym, and if, by some miracle, I actually started getting something right (clumsy calisthenics at a slower pace, running in a reasonably straight line), I could trust the class bullies to mimic my movements making them more exaggerated and ludicrous until the other kids laughed. The effect was to deter me from most physical activity. I mean, it's great to tell a teen or an adult, "Kitten them; you keep at it and you'll get better." I was in elementary school and my performance was after movement therapy. My parents tried to be helpful, but for my dad, that meant fitness drills, even if I hated them. (I can remember him hanging a tennis ball in an onion net bag from a pipe in the garage, handing me a baseball bat, and making me swing until I could hit it ten times. And I'd get frustrated and I'd cry and I'd lose count of the number of hits. I honestly don't know if he held me to those ten times or if he'd relent and decide that whatever I'd done was 'good enough'.)
Kids had birthday parties. I was socially awkward. And if I had food going into my mouth, the wrong thing to day didn't come out of it.
At home, we got healthy food and non-fruit dessert once a week. But outside the home? No, my parents couldn't control it and, to be honest, it probably would have been one more source of resentment and frustration if they had. Between my seeking emotional comfort in food and finding physical activity a source of frustration and humiliation, I'm not surprised that I've struggled with my weight since my teens. But seriously, whatever else my parents could have theoretically done to prevent it, for the sake of my mental health, I'm glad they didn't.3 -
estherdragonbat wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »If anyone cares to answer, did those of you who developed eating disorders or just a disordered relationship with food, ever have a conversation with your parents about it? Or those who didn't develop a disorder but had parents call them fat when they weren't?
I'm just curious as to whether some parents ever acknowledged their role in weight issues with their children?
If a child is overweight it is the fault of the parent/caregiver regardless of comments made. Children are children and it is up to the parent to control and guide their young lives. That's what parents are for.
Sorry, disagree. Parents have a huge influence. But I was the one who was going to the corner store and spending my allowance. Not just on junk food, though I bought some; I can remember buying bread rolls, cheese, plenty of drinks that ranged from pop to fruit juices to fruit drinks to 'Kool Aid clones'. And what was a hot day without ice cream. Had I been an active kid, it probably wouldn't have been so bad, but I had coordination issues and couldn't run very fast without tripping, was lousy at gym, and if, by some miracle, I actually started getting something right (clumsy calisthenics at a slower pace, running in a reasonably straight line), I could trust the class bullies to mimic my movements making them more exaggerated and ludicrous until the other kids laughed. The effect was to deter me from most physical activity. I mean, it's great to tell a teen or an adult, "Kitten them; you keep at it and you'll get better." I was in elementary school and my performance was after movement therapy. My parents tried to be helpful, but for my dad, that meant fitness drills, even if I hated them. (I can remember him hanging a tennis ball in an onion net bag from a pipe in the garage, handing me a baseball bat, and making me swing until I could hit it ten times. And I'd get frustrated and I'd cry and I'd lose count of the number of hits. I honestly don't know if he held me to those ten times or if he'd relent and decide that whatever I'd done was 'good enough'.)
Kids had birthday parties. I was socially awkward. And if I had food going into my mouth, the wrong thing to day didn't come out of it.
At home, we got healthy food and non-fruit dessert once a week. But outside the home? No, my parents couldn't control it and, to be honest, it probably would have been one more source of resentment and frustration if they had. Between my seeking emotional comfort in food and finding physical activity a source of frustration and humiliation, I'm not surprised that I've struggled with my weight since my teens. But seriously, whatever else my parents could have theoretically done to prevent it, for the sake of my mental health, I'm glad they didn't.
None of that makes me think your parents were not a big part of the problem.
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I'm not sure what else they could have done. They didn't make me uncoordinated or sic the bullies on me. Should they have not given me an allowance? Kept me home from birthday parties and family gatherings? Not tried to address my physical issues? Looking back as an adult now, I ask myself what I think they could have done differently and all I can think is that if they hadn't tried pushing me to be more active, I would have been a lot happier just curling up with a good book. I already did that as much as possible. But the bullying still would have pushed me to eat, I would have been even more sedentary than I actually was, and while it's impossible to know what would have happened, I think I would've still ended up obese regardless.
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Need2Exerc1se wrote: »If anyone cares to answer, did those of you who developed eating disorders or just a disordered relationship with food, ever have a conversation with your parents about it? Or those who didn't develop a disorder but had parents call them fat when they weren't?
I'm just curious as to whether some parents ever acknowledged their role in weight issues with their children?
If a child is overweight it is the fault of the parent/caregiver regardless of comments made. Children are children and it is up to the parent to control and guide their young lives. That's what parents are for.
Not always. My parents always cooked healthy home made meals from scratch. No junk food was ever allowed, we went out to eat maybe twice a year, and exercise wasn’t optional. They were very much into health and fitness. Snacks were always chopped raw vegetables and fruit. Our basement had work out equipment and weights which they used every day, and would get me to join them. I was put in every sport they could get me in, we had to go on family walks every day, I rode my bike everywhere, we were always outdoors and not allowed to sit around inside. But I was always hungry, so I would sneak food behind their backs. I would sneak into the kitchen at night and eat anything I could find. I would sneak food when at friends houses when no one was looking (because my friends had all of the foods that weren’t allowed in our house), and when I started working (I was 11, babysitting) I would go to the store and buy my own food. I wasn’t allowed to do this, but the store was right by my school and I could do it quickly. When I was 9 I was put in a weight loss program that had group meetings and weekly weigh-ins. Didn’t help.
All any of that did was make me not want to do any sort of exercise, and made me really want all the junk foods that all of my friends were allowed to have, so the older I got, the more I said “screw this, I’m doing what I want.” I’m pretty sure the only way my parents would have stopped me from eating is to have locked me in my room and not have let me out of the house, and that’s not legal.0 -
NO!
I knew I was fat, as does every other overweight person who exists.0 -
I wasn't fat as a kid - I was 5'1" and about 120 when I graduated high school. I wasn't "skinny" but i was a totally normal BMI.
But I got teased for being fat CONSTANTLY. And so you know what happened when I started putting on weight? I told myself "Well I'm already fat, what's another ten pounds? Whats another ten pounds?" And then suddenly I was 5'1" and 225 lbs.
So no. It would not have helped any.5 -
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I think it is extremely difficult not to be aware that your weight falls outside some definition of "normal" or "healthy." Most of us who are or were fat have been constantly reminded of it through both interactions with others and aspects of our society's structure. You go clothes shopping and nothing fits. You can't bend over to tie your shoes. You don't fit into the airline seat. You can't walk distances that other people consider "easily walkable." Your doctor mentions your weight every time you have an appointment, even if it's for some non-weight-related problem. People give you judgmental looks or comments if you eat "unhealthy" food in public. Kids made fun of you in school. People stare, laugh, act like you've done something superhuman, or make rude comments if they see you exercising.
I could go on. The point is that fat people know they're fat. You aren't the first person to tell them. You won't be the last. You have not discovered some hidden secret that you are revealing to them. Their weight is not the Lost City of Atlantis and you are not a deep-sea diver seeing it for the first time.
Before I lost weight, I could never forget that I was fat. The last thing I needed was more people telling me that I was fat. I don't care how well-meaning those people were or were not. Their comments on my weight were absolutely not going to benefit me in any way whatsoever, and those comments never came across as kind, empathetic, supportive, or caring.
If someone decides that they want to lose weight, they make that decision for themselves. Being annoyed, harassed, wheedled, laughed at, or otherwise having to hear others reminding them yet again that they are fat does not cause them to decide to lose weight.
If someone in your life decides for themselves that they want to lose weight, then by all means give them whatever form of encouragement that they find helpful to them--not what you assume will be helpful. But please don't go around telling the fat people in your life that they're fat. Trust me, they already know.3 -
crabbybrianna wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »If anyone cares to answer, did those of you who developed eating disorders or just a disordered relationship with food, ever have a conversation with your parents about it? Or those who didn't develop a disorder but had parents call them fat when they weren't?
I'm just curious as to whether some parents ever acknowledged their role in weight issues with their children?
If a child is overweight it is the fault of the parent/caregiver regardless of comments made. Children are children and it is up to the parent to control and guide their young lives. That's what parents are for.
Not always. My parents always cooked healthy home made meals from scratch. No junk food was ever allowed, we went out to eat maybe twice a year, and exercise wasn’t optional. They were very much into health and fitness. Snacks were always chopped raw vegetables and fruit. Our basement had work out equipment and weights which they used every day, and would get me to join them. I was put in every sport they could get me in, we had to go on family walks every day, I rode my bike everywhere, we were always outdoors and not allowed to sit around inside. But I was always hungry, so I would sneak food behind their backs. I would sneak into the kitchen at night and eat anything I could find. I would sneak food when at friends houses when no one was looking (because my friends had all of the foods that weren’t allowed in our house), and when I started working (I was 11, babysitting) I would go to the store and buy my own food. I wasn’t allowed to do this, but the store was right by my school and I could do it quickly. When I was 9 I was put in a weight loss program that had group meetings and weekly weigh-ins. Didn’t help.
All any of that did was make me not want to do any sort of exercise, and made me really want all the junk foods that all of my friends were allowed to have, so the older I got, the more I said “screw this, I’m doing what I want.” I’m pretty sure the only way my parents would have stopped me from eating is to have locked me in my room and not have let me out of the house, and that’s not legal.
None of that says parents weren't responsible. Your last paragraph pretty much suggests they were.2 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »crabbybrianna wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »If anyone cares to answer, did those of you who developed eating disorders or just a disordered relationship with food, ever have a conversation with your parents about it? Or those who didn't develop a disorder but had parents call them fat when they weren't?
I'm just curious as to whether some parents ever acknowledged their role in weight issues with their children?
If a child is overweight it is the fault of the parent/caregiver regardless of comments made. Children are children and it is up to the parent to control and guide their young lives. That's what parents are for.
Not always. My parents always cooked healthy home made meals from scratch. No junk food was ever allowed, we went out to eat maybe twice a year, and exercise wasn’t optional. They were very much into health and fitness. Snacks were always chopped raw vegetables and fruit. Our basement had work out equipment and weights which they used every day, and would get me to join them. I was put in every sport they could get me in, we had to go on family walks every day, I rode my bike everywhere, we were always outdoors and not allowed to sit around inside. But I was always hungry, so I would sneak food behind their backs. I would sneak into the kitchen at night and eat anything I could find. I would sneak food when at friends houses when no one was looking (because my friends had all of the foods that weren’t allowed in our house), and when I started working (I was 11, babysitting) I would go to the store and buy my own food. I wasn’t allowed to do this, but the store was right by my school and I could do it quickly. When I was 9 I was put in a weight loss program that had group meetings and weekly weigh-ins. Didn’t help.
All any of that did was make me not want to do any sort of exercise, and made me really want all the junk foods that all of my friends were allowed to have, so the older I got, the more I said “screw this, I’m doing what I want.” I’m pretty sure the only way my parents would have stopped me from eating is to have locked me in my room and not have let me out of the house, and that’s not legal.
None of that says parents weren't responsible. Your last paragraph pretty much suggests they were.
How exactly?1 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »If anyone cares to answer, did those of you who developed eating disorders or just a disordered relationship with food, ever have a conversation with your parents about it? Or those who didn't develop a disorder but had parents call them fat when they weren't?
I'm just curious as to whether some parents ever acknowledged their role in weight issues with their children?
If a child is overweight it is the fault of the parent/caregiver regardless of comments made. Children are children and it is up to the parent to control and guide their young lives. That's what parents are for.
I would sneak food to my room or basement to eat it as a kid. My mom didn't know really that I was the one eating more than my share of food in the house. Sometimes I would eat a little of a variety of foods when she wasn't around so she wouldn't notice. I had a feel for what I should be eating but sneaking food among other things when she wasn't around made it hard for her to know. I do think it would be easier to weigh less if sweets weren't around ever.0 -
I was called out / picked on for my weight as a teenager. All it did was give me an eating disorder. One that I actively sought out and looked at how to develop it. I wanted to be bulimic so that I could still comfort eat but not be fat. I'm sure I don't have to explain how that all turned out... So calling out (especially children) isn't always a good thing.0
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I disagree that parents are always to blame for overweight kids. I became aware that I was overweight when my effortlessly slim mother sat me down very gently and said that I was getting a bit chubby, so try to move more. And she also stopped serving desserts unless it was a special occasion. She said it wasn't fair to let everyone else eat it in front of me when I shouldn't.
I always thought that was very kind of her and didn't resent her in the slightest for pointing this out kindly to me. She always cooked from scratch and rarely had junk food in the house because we couldn't afford it with a big family.
This just made me want to inhale it when I saw it because I knew it wouldn't be around long.
My grandmother is really large and my dad would also very gently encourage me not to eat too much, but I just knew he didn't want me to have the issues my grandmother has. Neither parent had weight issues, nor did the rest of my siblings growing up.
My problem was and is that I am naturally very sedentary and adore reading. My family loves to read but just always had more energy naturally to get up and move. My mother would encourage me to go outside and come with us to garden, and go on family walks. I just didn't want to because my nose was always in a book.
This is not my parents fault. They couldn't have done anything more for me. I have just had to to figure out that I have low energy and find some exercise that works, like walking.
My daughter is on the chubby side, while my son struggles to keep his weight up. It's a challenge getting him to eat more, while not making my daughter feel restricted.
Not everything is the fault of one's parents. I get really tired of hearing that. Everyone has free will and no parent is perfect. Including us, with our kids. So I'm certainly not going to hold my parents to an impossible standard that I can't live up to myself.2
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