Do you ever wish someone had "called you out" over your weight?
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As someone who was made aware of my weight elementary school onwards I say no... I was chubby from probably 2nd grade onwards and was teased for it. Weight hadn't been a consideration for me at that point (and shouldn't have been in my opinion. Stick to educating kids about healthy eating habits and giving plenty of opportunity for play.) but I soon to began to become very self conscious about my body. I started to hate doing physical activity around other people which is terrible for anyone, especially a kid, to experience. Even people trying to be nice and saying it looked like I'd lost weight at different points in my life mortified me and often caused me to eat more for reasons I cannot quite figure out. The negative body image I developed from being "called out" did nothing to help me and I think actively hurt my lifestyle choices. Maybe it would have been different if I was gaining weight as an adult but as a lifelong fat person it took accepting myself and my body to make positive changes in my life. I've been learning to enjoy exercise again after the awful years of PE and not hating myself has the bonus of helping me avoid emotional eating etc.0
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As a child? My weight was constantly being brought up. By friends, by strangers, by my parents... it didn't help one bit. But there was something about hearing it from my grandmother once I had reached 230lbs at 5'3". I signed up for MFP the next day and have lost 85lbs since.
I think you have to be ready to hear it and you have to be old enough to understand the health problems that come with obesity.5 -
I don't think people should have called you out, but I think your parents should have set some paramaters to help you maintain a healthy weight while you were a child. My sister was overweight as an older child and teenager. When she was about 17 she worked really hard to lose the weight and had kept it off (more or less) for the last few years. I am a lot older than her and I kind of resented my parents for not reigning her in. My dad didn't really think about it, and my mom was anorexic/bulimic as a teenager and young adult, so it didn't get addressed. She would eat so much, and always request snacks, and got so big. I was mad at my mom on my sister's behalf because she was letting her issues get in the way of my sister's health and happiness. I think that parents have a responsibility to ensure their children are offered healthy food, in healthy amounts, with room for treats sometimes.2
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Everyone is different. I was 224lbs by the time I was 14, 280 when I graduated high school three years later. Everyone felt like it was ok to tell me about my weight and did. My family, teachers, doctors. I cursed them in my head and still mashed to have a great 4 years of high school and pretty fun early 20s. I started seriously trying to lose when I was 22 but I dnk jack about what I was doing and nothing worked. At age 25, 310lbs, I decided enough was enough and did something drastic about it and had gastric bypass. I regained some, lost it again through exercise and logging on MFP. This isn't about my bypass or anything like that; my point is that after a lifetime of being harassed about my weight, nothing changed til I was ready and willing to change it.3
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No fatshaming is discusting if your overweight theres a good chance you know about it why does someone feel the need to comment
And also other peoples comments is what makes body images issues i know for me anyways even being a dress size over what i want to someone will comment its just annoying and other peoples opinons shouldnt be the motivation for your weight loss0 -
No. I don't think that is for anyone to say unless I bring up the subject.
That said, close friends would invalidate me when I confided in them about being uncomfortable with my weight gain.
It seems to be a thing that no matter how much weight you gain that some people seem incapable of stopping their bs invalidation i.e. "no you're not fat" (no I actually was and am), "you're just a different shape" and "it's just what happens when you get older" (when I was in my 20s too!) etc. drives me nuts. i just think why can't we have a genuine conversation about eating, weight, and how we all manage it?1 -
I was an overweight kid with healthy weight parents and siblings (highest as a teen/young adult was 205 and I'm only 5'4)..I was very aware of it and I think it did more harm than good in terms of my sense of self worth. Yes, I have worked hard to get it into a normal range (although after having twins 8 months ago I am kind of starting over, lol)...and some of that motivation probably comes from always knowing I needed to make a change. Hard to say how things may have turned out if I always felt accepted for my physical appearance I guess.0
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As others have said, you have to decide for yourself to get healthier or it won't stick. I've been overweight since about the 4th or 5th grade. I was over 300# when I started college. I tried diets over the years, lost some but always gained it back. It took open-heart surgery at age 59 six months ago to give me that A-Ha! moment and realize it isn't about dieting, it's about changing my lifestyle. Happily, my wife used my heart surgery as her own incentive to join me in this journey to health.3
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I didn't start gaining until I was an adult. I had ups and downs. The only people who ever pointed it out was my mother (in a very cruel manner, which didn't encourage me away from drinking and overeating as coping strategies) and a doctor I was working with (I was over 230lb, when he asked as gently as possible if I realized how bad my weight was getting). I was in deny at my highest, and refused to get on a scale, which is why I don't know my true starting weight. I can take a good guess based on the fit (or lack of fit) of my biggest clothing.
All this to say that for me, it was a matter of approach. Someone approaching me in a caring and concerned manner had a much greater impact on me than someone telling me what a fat and horrible person I am. I knew I was fat, still am, but less so. No longer in denial though.1 -
No, it causes even more self hatred and (if repeated enough) strains the relationship you have with the person. I can still vividly remember a few comments my mom made when I was young. I wasn't even overweight then, she was just upset because the piece of cake I took was too big. It certainly never stopped me from gaining it later. But I'm surprised your doctor never brought it up to you, this is the best person to bring up these things because it's strictly from a health perspective.1
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Sorry had something but got too personal.2
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My problem, as a fat kid, was that no one really told me I could lose the weight or how. I honestly didn't think I could do it. I wish I had dealt with it a long time ago. I feel like my parents didn't really help me. I was called out for being heavy by my peers though and had awful elementary and middle school years.4
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I was called out when I was obese. Mainly by my mother and my sister. "Stop being a pig." "Your legs are getting fat." "You've put on a lot of weight." Etc. Am actually grateful (In a weird way). Sugarcoating isn't always the answer. Tough love works lol.3
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Hello–
Wow, didn't expect so many responses, and sorry I haven't been back (I try and limit my internet time, successfully or not...)
"Calling out" was probably the wrong terminology and I apologize. I should have probably written "made you aware" but to be honest it didn't cross my mind that the former implied that much negativity. Mea culpa.
In response to "what would I personally have done had I been aware?"– it's difficult to answer. At the younger end of my weight gain (9-13 or so), probably not much. In my teens, something. What, I'm not certain but it wasn't the dark ages, the Internet existed and I've always been rabid for research so it is entirely within the realm of possibility that I would have figured something out. By my early 20s, of course, I had no excuse other than not stepping on the scale and realizing how far out of control things had become. Hitting 202 on the doctor's scale was a bucket of ice water. I actually woke up and realized why my joints were hurting and I was getting out of breath climbing up stairs, even though I was only 23.
I suppose it makes a big difference on whether you were actually aware you were overweight or not. As I said, I didn't really know. Aside from an anorexic grandmother, the majority of my family were or are overweight. My mother tried every popular diet in the book and pretty much made the family go along with her, so I was yo-yo dieting by proxy for about 15 years. I was aware of calories and nutrition from a very young age, but I figured it was a grown-up thing and I'd deal with it when I got to Mom's age. That's why I wish I had known sooner, so I wouldn't have to be figuring this out at Mom's age.
I'd like to thank everyone for their responses, it's been a really fascinating read.
~VL3 -
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it wouldnt have made a difference.
just like quitting any bad habit or addiction, YOU have to want to make the changes necessary.
I quit smoking when *I* was ready
I lost weight when *I* was ready
Someone bitching to me about it would have only made me resentful.4 -
vegaslounge wrote: »Hitting 202 on the doctor's scale was a bucket of ice water. I actually woke up and realized why my joints were hurting and I was getting out of breath climbing up stairs, even though I was only 23.
You know, it just occurred to me that while I gained weight steadily all my life, I didn't actually become overweight until I was an adult. So that may be part of why it was easier for me to notice that I was gaining: I had to get larger clothes. But like, when you're a child, DUH. Yes, you have to get larger clothes. And you gain weight. (AND you get taller!) It's a normal part of growing (literally) UP.
And especially if the weight gain is steady, rather than sudden, changes to ability based on health and fitness will be gradual, and therefore harder to notice. My doctor noticed at my last appointment that I was 10 lbs down from the previous one, and said "Do you feel better?" I just kind of shrugged and said "Well... no, not really. Not noticeably."
I've started having some of these conversations with my mother. The thing is, she knows whether she's gaining or losing weight. She has started tracking what she eats, and she's so careful about it and she tries SO HARD that it's been very difficult to point out that she may not be tracking accurately if she's not using a food scale. At least - I haven't figured out a way to do so that's been effective. I've mentioned it a time or two when she's brought it up, and she's gotten... not quite defensive, but close. I need to find that video that compares the measured portions to the estimated ones.
Thanks for the update, btw, OP! It started a conversation that's been really interesting to follow.5 -
My Grandmother called me out on my weight all of the time. But then again she was half my size in height and was 100 pounds soaking wet. Looking back I know she had good intentions.
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callsitlikeiseeit wrote: »it wouldnt have made a difference.
just like quitting any bad habit or addiction, YOU have to want to make the changes necessary.
I quit smoking when *I* was ready
I lost weight when *I* was ready
Someone bitching to me about it would have only made me resentful.
When people (friends, family) tell me what to do I just take longer to do it LOL. I'll do it when I'm damn good and ready.4 -
I've always been larger since my younger years. People and family have called me names and bullied me about my weight since school. So, no, I don't need anyone else calling my out on my weight. I am very aware of my size.2
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No, I wouldn't want anyone calling me out on my weight. I am quite aware when I have gained weight and don't need the unsolicited comments.
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I was always well aware that I had issues with my weight because my mother never let me forget it. Neither did her sister who lived with us for a good stretch of time.
What she did was not helpful in any way and didn't foster a healthy relationship with food or with controlling my weight.
FTR, I started packing on pounds in puberty. It always sort of gives me a little thrill to remember back to my eight grade school weigh in an know that I weigh less now, 42 years later, than I did then.
I had a lot of issues to unpack in order to be successful with weight loss, and some of those issues involved the unhelpful "tapes" of my mother's voice in my head.5 -
Nah. My mum used to suggest to me that I was tubby/overweight/ate too much, and I developed an eating disorder. She told my little sister, too, who was overweight until recently - guess who has anorexia now? Even if you're trying to help, it can have really devastating consequences. That said, I do feel that parents have a responsibility to their children, but other than that...just butt out of discussing other peoples' bodies. It should simply be between you and your doctor, imo.0
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If anyone cares to answer, did those of you who developed eating disorders or just a disordered relationship with food, ever have a conversation with your parents about it? Or those who didn't develop a disorder but had parents call them fat when they weren't?
I'm just curious as to whether some parents ever acknowledged their role in weight issues with their children?1 -
If anyone cares to answer, did those of you who developed eating disorders or just a disordered relationship with food, ever have a conversation with your parents about it? Or those who didn't develop a disorder but had parents call them fat when they weren't?
I'm just curious as to whether some parents ever acknowledged their role in weight issues with their children?
no, I never addressed it. they knew I had an ED (and other MI issues) for...obvious reasons, but eating disorders make you very secretive and introverted in my experience, so it wasn't something that was up for discussion. There are other various issues as well (like my mum's own MI) that make it hard to talk about, as well. It's hard seeing my little sister (14) go through what I did, though - I wish I could help, but I can't get too close to the situation without endangering my own health.2 -
I was a fat kid, I will make no bones about it. It seems to have started when I was 8-9 – previous photos showed a normal, even kinda-skinny little girl. There is no trauma in my background, I was never molested, my parents were more-than-less happily married. But, I liked to eat and I just got fat.
I only recall one instance where my weight was an issue with peers, when, in 5th grade, we were illustrating poems we had written about our recent field trip to a water park. I drew myself going down a slide and a desk mate remarked, “you didn’t look like that, you’re bigger”. So…I redrew myself to reflect a bigger size. But, I didn’t feel any shame over it, it was almost constructive criticism.
Middle school was miserable for me, and I was bullied, but not for my weight– which was rapidly escalating out of control. I distinctly remember being weighed in gym class and the scale reading 160. I was 11 years old. But again– I was not bullied because of my weight. It was more due to my shyness, awful, AWFUL haircut, 1970s librarian glasses, and general bookishness.
High school was amazing. Loved every minute aside from math and chem classes (hey, I’m into history, art and English lit). Had great friends, made decent grades, got along with everyone– jocks, cheerleaders, nerds and stoners and Goths. And all the while, I was creeping further and further up the scale. I have no idea how much I weighed at this time because I never checked, but I had to have been around 180 at 5’6".
I did not take my weight seriously until I passed out on the stoop of my NYC apt and woke up on the sidewalk with a cluster of strangers surrounding me telling me it’s okay, they’ve called an ambulance, just hold still. Hospital weighs me at 202. Blood pressure is crazy, cholesterol is worrying, I’m 24 years old and they’re discussing long-term medication.
I’m 32 now. In those intervening years I’d gotten down to 157, am currently at 170 (I lost my mother recently and stress-ate like an SOB) and I’ll be damned if I get to 202, or even over 170 again.
Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if someone had brought my weight to my attention earlier. As I spent my tween/adolescence in LA– the most image-conscious city in the world– it seems almost crazy this WASN’T something I was picked on for. But, it was never mentioned. While obviously bullying and fat-shaming for the sake of being a prick is wrong…nobody– not parents, teachers, etc ever brought it up to me that I was overweight.
What I wish is that I had been aware of my weight at an earlier age so I could have fixed it sooner. I knew I couldn’t keep up with the other kids at PE, I wheezed after a short jog, but I didn’t know WHY. I had no concept of calories or portion sizes and my weight wasn’t made a big deal of either with family or peers. In many ways I’m glad– there are so many horror stories of kids being bullied for their weight. But at the same time…I wish someone would have told me, because I honestly never knewvegaslounge wrote: »Hello–
Wow, didn't expect so many responses, and sorry I haven't been back (I try and limit my internet time, successfully or not...)
"Calling out" was probably the wrong terminology and I apologize. I should have probably written "made you aware" but to be honest it didn't cross my mind that the former implied that much negativity. Mea culpa.
In response to "what would I personally have done had I been aware?"– it's difficult to answer. At the younger end of my weight gain (9-13 or so), probably not much. In my teens, something. What, I'm not certain but it wasn't the dark ages, the Internet existed and I've always been rabid for research so it is entirely within the realm of possibility that I would have figured something out. By my early 20s, of course, I had no excuse other than not stepping on the scale and realizing how far out of control things had become. Hitting 202 on the doctor's scale was a bucket of ice water. I actually woke up and realized why my joints were hurting and I was getting out of breath climbing up stairs, even though I was only 23.
I suppose it makes a big difference on whether you were actually aware you were overweight or not. As I said, I didn't really know. Aside from an anorexic grandmother, the majority of my family were or are overweight. My mother tried every popular diet in the book and pretty much made the family go along with her, so I was yo-yo dieting by proxy for about 15 years. I was aware of calories and nutrition from a very young age, but I figured it was a grown-up thing and I'd deal with it when I got to Mom's age. That's why I wish I had known sooner, so I wouldn't have to be figuring this out at Mom's age.
I'd like to thank everyone for their responses, it's been a really fascinating read.
~VL
So I re-read your original post and would like to offer that you did have awareness of your size but did not feel it was a big enough problem in relation to things you wanted to do. I think most people don't get serious until they want something bad enough... even if they are called fat by everyone.
You also say in your first post that you had no awareness of calories but in your second post you say you were aware of calories and nutrition and experienced diets from a young age. Being in denial is easy.
You might have as easily admitted you were overweight but told yourself I'm just big boned, I'm going through a chubby phase or it is impossible to lose weight and keep it off without starving so why bother.
You did something about it when you felt like it. Maybe you wish you had cared sooner.
As an adult I have been overweight for 15+ years. Sometimes I cared and sometimes I didn't. I got very serious about managing my weight when it became a big enough problem keeping me from living the way I wanted. Too bad I didn't feel that way sooner when maybe it would have been easier. Most of those years I felt fairly okay though. It is the way it is.
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If anyone cares to answer, did those of you who developed eating disorders or just a disordered relationship with food, ever have a conversation with your parents about it? Or those who didn't develop a disorder but had parents call them fat when they weren't?
I'm just curious as to whether some parents ever acknowledged their role in weight issues with their children?
No, I never discussed it with my mother, and I can't with my father; as he is already dead.
I wouldn't cause my mother added stress by even mentioning the fact that I know in many instances she loved me (read: all of the kids) with food because often, she had nothing else to offer. We live and love through food, and I'd hate to have her feel guilty because of it.
Ultimately, as an adult, its my choice, and it has BEEN my choice for years. I just repeated the problem. Even after my medical education, and knowing better...I still made poor choices. I have to own that too. Everything can't and won't be put on my mothers shoulders.2 -
GothicsDarkAngel wrote: »If anyone cares to answer, did those of you who developed eating disorders or just a disordered relationship with food, ever have a conversation with your parents about it? Or those who didn't develop a disorder but had parents call them fat when they weren't?
I'm just curious as to whether some parents ever acknowledged their role in weight issues with their children?
No, I never discussed it with my mother, and I can't with my father; as he is already dead.
I wouldn't cause my mother added stress by even mentioning the fact that I know in many instances she loved me (read: all of the kids) with food because often, she had nothing else to offer. We live and love through food, and I'd hate to have her feel guilty because of it.
Ultimately, as an adult, its my choice, and it has BEEN my choice for years. I just repeated the problem. Even after my medical education, and knowing better...I still made poor choices. I have to own that too. Everything can't and won't be put on my mothers shoulders.
I didn't mean to imply that weight issues are solely parents' fault, which is why I said "role" in weight issues.
I'm particularly interested in those whose parents called them fat when they weren't.0
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