I am tired of family members telling me to stop losing weight
batorkin
Posts: 281 Member
I am a bit frustrated right now, so apologies for the mini-rant.
It's gotten to the point where I don't even want to see certain family members anymore. "You need to stop losing weight". "We're going to get you help if you don't stop dieting". It's always the first thing out of certain family member's mouth, and always from someone who has been obese their entire life. I have told them the comments hurt my motivation, but the response is typically "Good, you need to stop". I get their heart is in the right place, at least I hope, they've not once complimented me on my weight loss.
About me: I have lost a total of 75 pounds so far. My BMI is 23.3 and nothing alarmingly low. I've always had very little muscle mass which throws my BMI off a bit. My waist measurements shows I should ideally lose another 2-3 inches given my height of 6'1". I have also gotten second opinions from friends I trust, and a family doctor, which all agreed another 10-15 pounds is ideal.
I am very close to not going to family gathering anymore because it hurts my motivation. I am now the only person in my family that isn't morbidly obese, and they can't seem to accept what "healthy" is suppose to look like.
Anyone else have this problem?
It's gotten to the point where I don't even want to see certain family members anymore. "You need to stop losing weight". "We're going to get you help if you don't stop dieting". It's always the first thing out of certain family member's mouth, and always from someone who has been obese their entire life. I have told them the comments hurt my motivation, but the response is typically "Good, you need to stop". I get their heart is in the right place, at least I hope, they've not once complimented me on my weight loss.
About me: I have lost a total of 75 pounds so far. My BMI is 23.3 and nothing alarmingly low. I've always had very little muscle mass which throws my BMI off a bit. My waist measurements shows I should ideally lose another 2-3 inches given my height of 6'1". I have also gotten second opinions from friends I trust, and a family doctor, which all agreed another 10-15 pounds is ideal.
I am very close to not going to family gathering anymore because it hurts my motivation. I am now the only person in my family that isn't morbidly obese, and they can't seem to accept what "healthy" is suppose to look like.
Anyone else have this problem?
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Replies
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All the time. Here are some things to say:"Thank you for your loving concern." or "This is what a healthy human looks like." or "I think it wouldn't do you any harm to walk away from seconds at dinner. Does your BMI put you in the morbidly obese range?" "I would be happy to assist you in getting on a healthy diet."18
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If everyone around you is obese, it is easy to start seeing that as normal.
Add on to this that you are trying to believe that you are fine, healthy even, and seeing someone much smaller is threatening to that view.
As the previous posters have said, remind them that you are already consulting with a doctor and that there isn't any point to this conversation. Be firm and do not engage.13 -
You could just say you have consulted your doctor about what a healthy weight for you would be and are following suggestions. What help would they get you other than a medical professional? You do not need or want "help" and as an adult can decide what is right for you. Tell the relatives the subject of your weight is closed. They have shared their unsolicited opinion, you have heard it and that is it. Tell them if they can not respect that the topic is closed you will stop visiting.
Then say no and change the subject, hang up, leave the room, leave the party, leave the state, etc every time they try to start in on it. They give up or you spend your time with other people.13 -
Yes, sadly I do have this problem also. For me, it's because I lose weight from the top down, just as I gain from the bottom up. So, my face, neck and collar bones first show the weight loss, and I get told I need to stop losing weight because I look "gaunt".
Short of stripping down and showing them where I am still carrying excess pounds, or start discussing Type 2 diabetes concerns, I just tell them I don't plan on losing anymore weight when they ask, and continue doing as my medical professionals advise.6 -
I had this issue as well. I usually just said "I see me naked. I know I can easily lose a few more". And then didn't engage further.13
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Yes, sadly I do have this problem also. For me, it's because I lose weight from the top down, just as I gain from the bottom up. So, my face, neck and collar bones first show the weight loss, and I get told I need to stop losing weight because I look "gaunt".
Short of stripping down and showing them where I am still carrying excess pounds, or start discussing Type 2 diabetes concerns, I just tell them I don't plan on losing anymore weight when they ask, and continue doing as my medical professionals advise.
I can relate...
I am bald and extremely pale. I lost most my weight during the winter, and work a desk job so I didn't get outside much. I've had at least 4 people ask me if I have cancer. I've gotten a mild tan over the few good weeks of good weather, so hopefully those comments stop..
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I think for these "caring" family members it says more about them than it does you. They see you doing what they won't or can't do, so instead of applauding you for it they try to drag you back down into the muck and mire to re-join the herd. Say things to hurt or derail you so you'll pack it on and be like them: fat and miserable.
I think the advice above from @Lounmoun was right on the money. You've been working with your doctor and you trust their opinion about your health a little more than your untrained family members. If it's still a problem, maybe skip a function or two until they realize THEY are the problem?
Sorry, but sometimes life changes are harder than we think. Its your health though, and no one should have the right to take that away form you or make you feel bad about it.
Good luck!13 -
craygslyst1 wrote: »“If everyone around you is obese, it is easy to start seeing that as normal”
OMG. This ^. Over and over and over!!!
Seriously. I second this. Just because it’s the standard, doesn’t mean it should be!
Don’t settle for less than what you and your GP deem as healthy for you and your goals/lifestyle.2 -
Yeah, I've been there. Almost everyone in my family is obese. Most people around them are overweight or obese. I was obese for my entire adult life until I made this choice to lose weight. They don't have a frame of reference for what a non-overweight person looks like.
Still, here is all that needs to be said: "I appreciate your concern, but I'm under a doctor's care and am carefully following their advice."6 -
People (especially family members) can get really uncomfortable when they see others stepping of the role they think is assigned to them. Plus, their concept of what's a healthy weight is probably way off whack. Chances are they'll get used to it eventually.3
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I had my first negative weight loss comment yesterday (well first from this time's losing). I responded by saying how much healthier I've been eating and how the pain in my feet, knees and back has decreased so much. Also that I have so much more energy and sleep so much better. I am much more comfortable getting out of chairs, cars etc and I can put my shoes on easily. I can play with the kids on the floor. Life is so much better now.
In case of responding to overweight or obese people I would talk about your medical health benefits such as reduced blood pressure etc. Life expectations increased and less chance of needing joint surgery. All good reasons to take control of your health right now.
I would focus on health as a reason for the weight loss - there isn't much anyone can say to that.10 -
Over what time frame have you lost the 75 lbs? My hubby lost a substantial amount of weight over a few short months and many friends & family (myself included) expressed concern for his health, but now that everyone is used to his lower weight, it doesn't seem alarming. The comments would irritate him, but he understood they were made out of concern. Not that I'm trying to excuse your family's behavior- I agree that there are likely some other issues going on there- but it's good to keep in mind that weight loss is an adjustment for everyone.8
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I am a bit frustrated right now, so apologies for the mini-rant.
It's gotten to the point where I don't even want to see certain family members anymore. "You need to stop losing weight". "We're going to get you help if you don't stop dieting". It's always the first thing out of certain family member's mouth, and always from someone who has been obese their entire life. I have told them the comments hurt my motivation, but the response is typically "Good, you need to stop". I get their heart is in the right place, at least I hope, they've not once complimented me on my weight loss.
About me: I have lost a total of 75 pounds so far. My BMI is 23.3 and nothing alarmingly low. I've always had very little muscle mass which throws my BMI off a bit. My waist measurements shows I should ideally lose another 2-3 inches given my height of 6'1". I have also gotten second opinions from friends I trust, and a family doctor, which all agreed another 10-15 pounds is ideal.
I am very close to not going to family gathering anymore because it hurts my motivation. I am now the only person in my family that isn't morbidly obese, and they can't seem to accept what "healthy" is suppose to look like.
Anyone else have this problem?
Is there any reason why your family think you are still dieting? I never tell family I am dieting - at gatherings I just select a healthy food option/ serve myself a small portion or pass up on the ooey gooey stuff. If they comment just say I've had plenty thank you or some positive comment about what you have chosen. If they ask just say Oh I'm not dieting, I just prefer fresh fruit (Or whatever) now. For special family celebrations I make room for a piece of cake but remove at least one layer of icing before I even think about it. Getting the family used to the idea that you don't like some foods may be easier than letting them feel that you are restricting your food. Being a picky eater is less of a threat to them than you having the willpower that they are unable to demonstrate.13 -
I am a bit frustrated right now, so apologies for the mini-rant.
It's gotten to the point where I don't even want to see certain family members anymore. "You need to stop losing weight". "We're going to get you help if you don't stop dieting". It's always the first thing out of certain family member's mouth, and always from someone who has been obese their entire life. I have told them the comments hurt my motivation, but the response is typically "Good, you need to stop". I get their heart is in the right place, at least I hope, they've not once complimented me on my weight loss.
About me: I have lost a total of 75 pounds so far. My BMI is 23.3 and nothing alarmingly low. I've always had very little muscle mass which throws my BMI off a bit. My waist measurements shows I should ideally lose another 2-3 inches given my height of 6'1". I have also gotten second opinions from friends I trust, and a family doctor, which all agreed another 10-15 pounds is ideal.
I am very close to not going to family gathering anymore because it hurts my motivation. I am now the only person in my family that isn't morbidly obese, and they can't seem to accept what "healthy" is suppose to look like.
Anyone else have this problem?
'i'm not losing weight any more' and change the subject... simple.
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First, congrats on your weight-loss! I'm 6'1'' myself. I don't know what it's like for you but because I'm so tall I have fat all over lol So losing another 10-15 might sound extreme to others but be spot on for you. I weigh 179 lbs now and just got my first "You're too skinny" comment from my grandma, and honestly I took it as a compliment.
I would encourage you not to stop going to family gatherings. Like others have already said, you can just brush it off and change the subject. Who knows? Maybe in the future your success might inspire some of them to change too.
*Hugs*4 -
I got some of this too. My aunt would flit between telling me I was too skinny and asking me how I lost weight (eat less was not an acceptable answer).
My solution was too tell them I was going to put on weight and neglected to mention it was going to be muscle. I'm at almost the same bodyfat as I was but I get to say hey I already put on half a stone!
I think you've got a lot of good suggestions for how to try and deal with it before just walking away. Saying your weight is now a closed topic that is between you and your doctor is the one I would go for. Those people that refuse to respect that don't respect you and then you don't have to feel at all bad about cutting them out.5 -
Same here, I have about 10-15 pounds to lose but have been in maintenance mode to just satisfied my family. Especially with my health problems I was having. I lost 60# but over the course of 9 months, and EVERYONE would tell me how skinny I was getting. Including co-workers and it was getting quite annoying. Now that the weather is getting warm & my Heath is better I plan to go back to running and lose the last of the weight since everyone finally got use to me being this size.3
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They gave their height and bmi so probably around 175. Based on their bmi losing another 10-15 lbs would plop them in the middle of the range.
If they have gotten second opinions from friends they trust, a dr, and their bmi they are aiming for is right in the middle of the healthy range, I think the chance of the family being right is almost minuscule.
To add to the list of things family says that are hurtful/annoying.
My parents recently told me they were worried about me being too boney when I reached my goal weight, which is the weight I was at end of highschool.
However 5 years earlier they commented on how much weight I put on in college since the end of highschool and I was so mortified (because we don't discuss weight in my family) that I engaged in several unhealthy calorie restricted diets on and off for the next year and ended up just gaining weight until I took control almost a year ago.
I understand they got used to seeing me at a weight and a drastic change they will express concern. But I think there are bad approaches and good approaches.I am a bit frustrated right now, so apologies for the mini-rant.
It's gotten to the point where I don't even want to see certain family members anymore. "You need to stop losing weight". "We're going to get you help if you don't stop dieting". It's always the first thing out of certain family member's mouth, and always from someone who has been obese their entire life. I have told them the comments hurt my motivation, but the response is typically "Good, you need to stop". I get their heart is in the right place, at least I hope, they've not once complimented me on my weight loss.
About me: I have lost a total of 75 pounds so far. My BMI is 23.3 and nothing alarmingly low. I've always had very little muscle mass which throws my BMI off a bit. My waist measurements shows I should ideally lose another 2-3 inches given my height of 6'1". I have also gotten second opinions from friends I trust, and a family doctor, which all agreed another 10-15 pounds is ideal.
I am very close to not going to family gathering anymore because it hurts my motivation. I am now the only person in my family that isn't morbidly obese, and they can't seem to accept what "healthy" is suppose to look like.
Anyone else have this problem?
What do you weight at 6'1" ??? How about some pics? Because maybe just maybe they are right.
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I am a bit frustrated right now, so apologies for the mini-rant.
It's gotten to the point where I don't even want to see certain family members anymore. "You need to stop losing weight". "We're going to get you help if you don't stop dieting". It's always the first thing out of certain family member's mouth, and always from someone who has been obese their entire life. I have told them the comments hurt my motivation, but the response is typically "Good, you need to stop". I get their heart is in the right place, at least I hope, they've not once complimented me on my weight loss.
About me: I have lost a total of 75 pounds so far. My BMI is 23.3 and nothing alarmingly low. I've always had very little muscle mass which throws my BMI off a bit. My waist measurements shows I should ideally lose another 2-3 inches given my height of 6'1". I have also gotten second opinions from friends I trust, and a family doctor, which all agreed another 10-15 pounds is ideal.
I am very close to not going to family gathering anymore because it hurts my motivation. I am now the only person in my family that isn't morbidly obese, and they can't seem to accept what "healthy" is suppose to look like.
Anyone else have this problem?
What do you weight at 6'1" ??? How about some pics? Because maybe just maybe they are right.
This thread says started at 252. With a 75 loss now around 177.
https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/comment/41039553#Comment_41039553
OP your friends/family has seen a farily rapid weight loss happen before their eyes. I don't think dropping another 10 pounds is going to give you the results you want. 15 pounds puts you under weight. You have ideally lost muscle along side your weight unless you have been conducting muscle sparing during your weight loss, but the average loss per week you have been losing weight, you have ideally lost muscle as well.
eta: if your waist and other body measurements are still showing that you have a higher body fat (especially around the mid section) you should consider recomp, which will help you lose the remaining body fat and help you rebuild muscle.3 -
I think a lot of people in the US (assuming you are American here) are not used to seeing people at a normal weight. There is so much obesity here...I think people see overweight as the norm. When I tell people I am trying to lose 30 pounds, they are like, 'Why? You look great." and I'm like, "Okay, but I can step on a scale for you and show you the numbers. I'm considered overweight according to my BMI."10
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Many people in my family are overweight or obese, as well as some of my close friends. When I proudly told my mom back in March that I had lost 18 pounds since the first of the year she looked at me like I was crazy and said, "But you don't need to lose 18 pounds." I told her I didn't need to lose 18 pounds anymore because I had already done that, but I did need to lose it after the holidays. Everyone carries their weight differently, and I'm tall so that makes it a little easier to carry some extra without anyone noticing (or lose a good bit without anyone really noticing), but I think part of it is also that when people see someone they consider to be in good shape or the size they would like to be, it pushes them to admit the fact that they are not at a healthy weight. i.e. if she/he (this person who seems to be at an ideal weight in my view) needs to lose weight to be healthier, I must really be in bad shape! Just let it go and listen to your own medical professionals.2
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STOP BEING NICE about it. Don't say it hurts your motivation, tell them stop commenting on your body period. Tell them you will leave if they do, then do it. If it's the first thing out of their mouth say "I told you to stop commenting, goodbye" Don't let them guilt you, don't let other family members guilt you. It's YOUR body.
I have never understood people reasoning, that just because they are family they can be *kitten*.10 -
Yes, sadly I do have this problem also. For me, it's because I lose weight from the top down, just as I gain from the bottom up. So, my face, neck and collar bones first show the weight loss, and I get told I need to stop losing weight because I look "gaunt".
Short of stripping down and showing them where I am still carrying excess pounds, or start discussing Type 2 diabetes concerns, I just tell them I don't plan on losing anymore weight when they ask, and continue doing as my medical professionals advise.
I can relate...
I am bald and extremely pale. I lost most my weight during the winter, and work a desk job so I didn't get outside much. I've had at least 4 people ask me if I have cancer. I've gotten a mild tan over the few good weeks of good weather, so hopefully those comments stop..
I feel ya....my sister frequently calls me Skeletor! She always says she can tell when I've cut calories or changed my work outs because my eyes get dark and sunken. I can't say I've noticed that myself...2 -
You'll learn to just let their comments slide off your back. That's the only thing you can do. My immediate family seems to comment constantly on my "skinny" body. I NEVER, repeat NEVER comment on their obese bodies unless they've lost weight then I tell them I notice and to keep it up. I would never ask them why they are gaining so much or what motivates them to eat three plates at lunch and dinner.
So, with that said, you've got to know that this journey is for your health and no one else's. if avoiding them is the only way you can make it work then fine. But my advice is to just smile, nod and say thanks but I'm doing okay just how I am. Don't even give their comments the time of day.
Family can be the toughest but you got this!
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midlomel1971 wrote: »I think a lot of people in the US (assuming you are American here) are not used to seeing people at a normal weight. There is so much obesity here...I think people see overweight as the norm. When I tell people I am trying to lose 30 pounds, they are like, 'Why? You look great." and I'm like, "Okay, but I can step on a scale for you and show you the numbers. I'm considered overweight according to my BMI."
Um....wut?
In the best shape of my life I was considered "overweight" by the BMI scale and my BF% was around 10-12%. I tried to get into a normal BMI, I got about 7-10lbs away and just looked imaciated. I ended up recomping and adding about 7-9 to get back to an "overweight" BMI. I looked (and felt) so much better.
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At 5'8" tall, when I was 165 I was told by my family that I was overweight. When I dropped to 155 I was "dangerously thin and why did I have to keep losing????". Your family aren't the experts. They just like to talk. Just like they talk about getting married and having babies and about every other thing in your life that isn't any of their business. Just do your best to ignore/deflect.7
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midlomel1971 wrote: »I think a lot of people in the US (assuming you are American here) are not used to seeing people at a normal weight. There is so much obesity here...I think people see overweight as the norm. When I tell people I am trying to lose 30 pounds, they are like, 'Why? You look great." and I'm like, "Okay, but I can step on a scale for you and show you the numbers. I'm considered overweight according to my BMI."
A lot of people are also just trying to be nice when they say things like " you look fine, you don't need to lose weight!"
I am American and can definitely spot an over weight person but I also don't feel the need to tell them that they are obese . I usually say nothing at all when the conversation comes up. There are many people who operate differently though. They feel the need to comment and tell people that they look fine when In reality they do not. (Some will even turn around and laugh when the person in question walks away)
Take what others say with a grain of salt and try not to make sweeping generalizations.
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midlomel1971 wrote: »I think a lot of people in the US (assuming you are American here) are not used to seeing people at a normal weight. There is so much obesity here...I think people see overweight as the norm. When I tell people I am trying to lose 30 pounds, they are like, 'Why? You look great." and I'm like, "Okay, but I can step on a scale for you and show you the numbers. I'm considered overweight according to my BMI."
Um....wut?
In the best shape of my life I was considered "overweight" by the BMI scale and my BF% was around 10-12%. I tried to get into a normal BMI, I got about 7-10lbs away and just looked imaciated. I ended up recomping and adding about 7-9 to get back to an "overweight" BMI. I looked (and felt) so much better.
I'm in the same boat. I just ended my cut and I'm still a few pounds over the high normal range for BMI. I'm 6'1 and I've been both underweight by BMI and smack in the middle of "normal". I looked like Ichabod Crane at normal ranges and Pumpkin Head from that cheesy 90's horror flick when under. I've noticed that short guys look better in the normal range than tall guys.0
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