How do you respond to dieting "confessionals"?
Running_and_Coffee
Posts: 811 Member
"You look great!" from a friend often turns into, "Ugh, I need to do something myself....I <insert non-diet-friendly behavior here>." Such as, I ate a pizza for lunch, I have gained 10 lbs since I saw you last. I don't want to reply in a way that sounds like I am judgmental, some sort of diet expert or lying. Which means I'm not going to tell them they should or should not have not eaten the pizza, and I'm not going to offer a recipe for a cauliflower crust instead, and I'm also not going to say, "You don't look like you gained an ounce!"
What I usually do is try to change the subject. Like I might say, "Oh, you know me, always on a diet! So how are the kids?" But was just curious how other people respond as I am sure I'm not the only one getting these confessions!
What I usually do is try to change the subject. Like I might say, "Oh, you know me, always on a diet! So how are the kids?" But was just curious how other people respond as I am sure I'm not the only one getting these confessions!
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Replies
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If you really want it, then do it. If you really want the pizza, then eat it. It's up to you to decide what's more important to you.9
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If it's just chit-chat, chit-chat away. I just told them I could talk a long time if they wanted to learn. They don't.14
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Another reason to not have friends.48
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I usually say some variation of, "Well, when you're ready to make a change, I've got a great app to recommend." Since no one wants to hear me go on about the wonders of MFP anymore, they usually change the subject.24
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I only have one friend that consistently does that, and to her I say "you always look great to me". Which she does. She is beautiful at any weight. For other people if they ask questions and are curious I tell them what I do. If they just want to talk about what they should be doing, I just let them.8
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I don't recall ever having that conversation with anyone...many of my friends are healthy and fit and the one's that aren't don't really care that they're overweight and out of shape.
If someone did say something like that I'd probably just tell them that it's pretty easy once you get going.7 -
Just break up.6
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I know a few women who can't get 5 words in without saying something hateful about their bodies and/or habits. If I'm feeling tired of hearing it (usually) I say, "Oh" or "Hm" and try to change the subject. If they keep on then I say something like, "Oh, I totally understand, I used to feel that way too. But then I decided to have some self compassion and now things are a lot better." They usually ignore me and keep on so then I say, "You know it's OK to be kind to yourself. How about we focus on what to do right now, or next time?" If they keep rambling after that, I usually have to remove myself from the conversation. Then in the back of my head I wonder if I used to be like that too? How did I get to know so many self-hating women? Is everyone like this? etc, etc.14
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I get this a lot and feel strange commenting! Just as I don't love receiving all the unsolicited advice and comments, I don't love giving them!
I usually just say "if I could do it, anyone can. If you want to try the app I used let me know. I'm happy to help you figure it out". If it's comments about workouts I usually say they are welcomed to join me at the gym any time, but I'm no trainer and far from an expert! I try remain sympathetic and listen to them. But that's hard for me also. I've never been a talker and when I was unhappy with myself I never confided in anyone. I usually try to quickly change the subject before it turns in to a pity party, which somehow ends up focusing back on me . Today I ran into a friend who has not seen me since I've lost 75 pounds. I tried to say thank you and move on and it very quickly escalated to her saying that she feels gross and fat because of seeing me and my results. What do you even say to that?!?!12 -
I just try to change the subject.0
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If they say "I need to make a change" or some variation of that, I say "If you do, you will really be glad you did". If all they do is berate themselves, it's much harder to think of anything to say.2
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I usually say "You can do it!" and then change the subject. I hate when people want to talk diets and weight loss with me but I figure encouraging them and changing the subject means I acknowledged them and also made it so they get that I dont want to talk about weight loss with them.2
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My DIL says all the time she needs to lose weight (she does btw), but I know she doesn't want to hear advice from anyone... she's hoping like so many hope for a magic pill!
After the nth time recently of her telling me she needed to 'cut back' I mentioned MFP and just counting cals, I just put that idea out there - perhaps she will try it but a person has to be willing to put in the effort to lose...4 -
LivingtheLeanDream wrote: »My DIL says all the time she needs to lose weight (she does btw), but I know she doesn't want to hear advice from anyone... she's hoping like so many hope for a magic pill!
After the nth time recently of her telling me she needed to 'cut back' I mentioned MFP and just counting cals, I just put that idea out there - perhaps she will try it but a person has to be willing to put in the effort to lose...
A friend of mine does this too. I say try myfitnesspal and get a food scale. She says it's too much work. I tell her you're always on the phone and in the kitchen so why not. She downloaded the app but has yet to use it. At least she took the first step.3 -
If people ask what I'm doing I tell them. If they just say they need to lose weight I tell them what I'm doing too. Of course most people that come up to me about my weight loss are friends family and coworkers who I am fairly close to so I don't worry about changing the subject. If they didn't want to hear about they'd tell me. I like talking about my weight loss though. I have motivated 2 of my sisters my mother and a few coworkers.3
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I know a few women who can't get 5 words in without saying something hateful about their bodies and/or habits. If I'm feeling tired of hearing it (usually) I say, "Oh" or "Hm" and try to change the subject. If they keep on then I say something like, "Oh, I totally understand, I used to feel that way too. But then I decided to have some self compassion and now things are a lot better." They usually ignore me and keep on so then I say, "You know it's OK to be kind to yourself. How about we focus on what to do right now, or next time?" If they keep rambling after that, I usually have to remove myself from the conversation. Then in the back of my head I wonder if I used to be like that too? How did I get to know so many self-hating women? Is everyone like this? etc, etc.
We're not all like that. I think I look fantastic LOL12 -
I know a few women who can't get 5 words in without saying something hateful about their bodies and/or habits. If I'm feeling tired of hearing it (usually) I say, "Oh" or "Hm" and try to change the subject. If they keep on then I say something like, "Oh, I totally understand, I used to feel that way too. But then I decided to have some self compassion and now things are a lot better." They usually ignore me and keep on so then I say, "You know it's OK to be kind to yourself. How about we focus on what to do right now, or next time?" If they keep rambling after that, I usually have to remove myself from the conversation. Then in the back of my head I wonder if I used to be like that too? How did I get to know so many self-hating women? Is everyone like this? etc, etc.
Question? Do you feel that if someone says that they are fat is negative speak. Because I have said that to people and they say no you're not. I was over 200lbs. I was FAT. I'm just curious because maybe I made people uncomfortable and now I kind of feel bad. Of course I'd only mention that I was fat when asked what I was doing after work and I'd tell them going home to work out because I am fat.2 -
comment on the food or something. "wow I love pizza. was it dominoes? im so mad they got rid of the breadsticks"6
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I brush it off.
If someone complains about how they just overate, I ask them if the food was good.
If they complain about how they need to lose X lbs, I tell them it's a beautiful day for an outdoor activity.3 -
Just say okay and change the subject if it isn't something you want to get into.1
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If someone asks how I did it, I tell them I ate less, and used this app to figure out how much. (Sometimes they argue with me: "But you must've cut carbs!" "It was your rowing!" - same rowing I did for a decade plus while obese. Etc.)
If someone wants to talk about him/herself, how s/he ought to lose weight, I make encouraging sounds and say something like "I was fat for years, and knew I should lose weight, but finally something clicked - I don't know why - and I finally buckled down and did it. Now that I know how simple it was and how much better I feel, I wish I'd done it decades ago." Then I change the subject, because talking about this sort of thing is boring, unless they really push questions, or they're on a similar path to mine.
The only time I really talk eating and fitness in depth is with a very small number of friends who have similar goals and methods, so sometimes we "talk shop" about it.4 -
comment on the food or something. "wow I love pizza. was it dominoes? im so mad they got rid of the breadsticks"
Yep, I do similar segues to change the subject without really changing it. This forum has taught me that the inner monologue of people can take weird turns I can't predict and I'm bound to offend someone with the most benign remarks. Trying to help is acknowledging their negative talk, telling them they don't need it can be interpreted as jealousy, you just can't win. I used to be way more innocent and ignorant about these things before I joined these forums.5 -
Running_and_Coffee wrote: »"You look great!" from a friend often turns into, "Ugh, I need to do something myself....I <insert non-diet-friendly behavior here>." Such as, I ate a pizza for lunch, I have gained 10 lbs since I saw you last. I don't want to reply in a way that sounds like I am judgmental, some sort of diet expert or lying. Which means I'm not going to tell them they should or should not have not eaten the pizza, and I'm not going to offer a recipe for a cauliflower crust instead, and I'm also not going to say, "You don't look like you gained an ounce!"
What I usually do is try to change the subject. Like I might say, "Oh, you know me, always on a diet! So how are the kids?" But was just curious how other people respond as I am sure I'm not the only one getting these confessions!
It doesn't exactly apply to this situation, but I've learned to check my urge to problem solve and so with some people I ask, "Do you want to vent or would you like to problem solve?" and respond accordingly.8 -
If someone asks how I did it, I tell them I ate less, and used this app to figure out how much. (Sometimes they argue with me: "But you must've cut carbs!" "It was your rowing!" - same rowing I did for a decade plus while obese. Etc.)...
Oh man the rowing thing hit home so much. I walked miles every night while morbidly obese and yes I lost some weight doing that. But once I accelerated my losses with MFP, everyone was like "oh it's because you started walking!" and I'd been doing that for 6 years by then. Also I have had several people ask me about my bicycling and I maybe get on my bike once or twice a month and do 5 miles at most...I am certainly NOT a cyclist by any stretch of the imagination, but people want to argue that apps like this can't be the reason I am 100+ lighter.
In reference to a few other posts, I think it's so interesting how different people view apps like MFP. I've had friends try it for less than a week and freak about how impossible/hard/awful it is. I've had friends try it for 2 months and lose more weight than they thought possible, then stop and regain. I have one friend who thinks counting calories is disordered eating and one day recently she mentioned that it's not healthy for ANYONE to count calories. That one puzzled me. I reminded her that I've been doing it for 5 years and that's why I'm not morbidly obese (currently healthy and happy & a tad overweight) like I was from 16-35. She backpedaled a little, but ugh. I love my friend dearly but she's a bit off-kilter when it comes to nutrition and health (same friend who said her children are thin ONLY because they drink whole milk). So frustrating and this is why I just try to change the subject.
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jefamer2017 wrote: »I know a few women who can't get 5 words in without saying something hateful about their bodies and/or habits. If I'm feeling tired of hearing it (usually) I say, "Oh" or "Hm" and try to change the subject. If they keep on then I say something like, "Oh, I totally understand, I used to feel that way too. But then I decided to have some self compassion and now things are a lot better." They usually ignore me and keep on so then I say, "You know it's OK to be kind to yourself. How about we focus on what to do right now, or next time?" If they keep rambling after that, I usually have to remove myself from the conversation. Then in the back of my head I wonder if I used to be like that too? How did I get to know so many self-hating women? Is everyone like this? etc, etc.
Question? Do you feel that if someone says that they are fat is negative speak. Because I have said that to people and they say no you're not. I was over 200lbs. I was FAT. I'm just curious because maybe I made people uncomfortable and now I kind of feel bad. Of course I'd only mention that I was fat when asked what I was doing after work and I'd tell them going home to work out because I am fat.
Yeah, the same people who told me I "wasn't fat and looked fine" at 220 tell me I could "lose a little" at 145...some people are just all wrapped up in talk.
The context around how you say you're fat matters:
"I'm 50 pounds overweight and am focusing on fixing that" - this is a realistic, productive, true thing to say.
"I'm so fat I'm a terrible person. " - this is never true. Ever.
Should/tried/meant to/couldn't/need to/can't if any of those words are repeated in a long conversation about weight/beauty/success, that's negative speak. Talking for years about how someone/something is to blame for your failure, or about how you were wronged in childhood/work/life but not actively working to improve your perspective is hard to listen to. For me, if im around that talk enough, I fall into that conversation and suddenly everyone else has is better and I don't deserve anything good and I feel awful right along with the person.
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jefamer2017 wrote: »LivingtheLeanDream wrote: »My DIL says all the time she needs to lose weight (she does btw), but I know she doesn't want to hear advice from anyone... she's hoping like so many hope for a magic pill!
After the nth time recently of her telling me she needed to 'cut back' I mentioned MFP and just counting cals, I just put that idea out there - perhaps she will try it but a person has to be willing to put in the effort to lose...
A friend of mine does this too. I say try myfitnesspal and get a food scale. She says it's too much work. I tell her you're always on the phone and in the kitchen so why not. She downloaded the app but has yet to use it. At least she took the first step.
I hear the same... I've lost 47lbs so far.. people say I look great (and I do compared to before), then ask what I'm doing to get those results... then can't believe it's as simple as weighing your food and logging it, sticking to a caloric target per day and just trying to be more active where I can. They say that it must be a lot of work, that it sounds tedious weighing my food all the time...
Well, so what if it is? It's either this and lose excess weight and be healthy, or don't do it and be obese and pre-diabetic and let things spiral back out of control again.
Some people seem to think that it must take 30 hours per week in the gym, or some special medication or herbal supplement to see results ( my cousin is like this, her husband works at the local YMCA, she spends 5 days a week 3 hours per day there, loses 10-15lbs and stalls).... ya know what really helped me? NOT drinking 4-6 cans of Coke per day and having third and fourth helpings of food that was already two servings too much.
But they don't seem to want to hear this... it's too simple so it must be true. That "slow metabolism" they blame their 150lb weight gain on must be affecting their thinking too.7 -
jefamer2017 wrote: »I know a few women who can't get 5 words in without saying something hateful about their bodies and/or habits. If I'm feeling tired of hearing it (usually) I say, "Oh" or "Hm" and try to change the subject. If they keep on then I say something like, "Oh, I totally understand, I used to feel that way too. But then I decided to have some self compassion and now things are a lot better." They usually ignore me and keep on so then I say, "You know it's OK to be kind to yourself. How about we focus on what to do right now, or next time?" If they keep rambling after that, I usually have to remove myself from the conversation. Then in the back of my head I wonder if I used to be like that too? How did I get to know so many self-hating women? Is everyone like this? etc, etc.
Question? Do you feel that if someone says that they are fat is negative speak. Because I have said that to people and they say no you're not. I was over 200lbs. I was FAT. I'm just curious because maybe I made people uncomfortable and now I kind of feel bad. Of course I'd only mention that I was fat when asked what I was doing after work and I'd tell them going home to work out because I am fat.
Yeah, the same people who told me I "wasn't fat and looked fine" at 220 tell me I could "lose a little" at 145...some people are just all wrapped up in talk.
The context around how you say you're fat matters:
"I'm 50 pounds overweight and am focusing on fixing that" - this is a realistic, productive, true thing to say.
"I'm so fat I'm a terrible person. " - this is never true. Ever.
Should/tried/meant to/couldn't/need to/can't if any of those words are repeated in a long conversation about weight/beauty/success, that's negative speak. Talking for years about how someone/something is to blame for your failure, or about how you were wronged in childhood/work/life but not actively working to improve your perspective is hard to listen to. For me, if im around that talk enough, I fall into that conversation and suddenly everyone else has is better and I don't deserve anything good and I feel awful right along with the person.
I see what you're saying. I don't do that. I know I am still overweight and I am doing something about it every day. 30lbs to lose until my healthy weight 40 for my goal. Depending upon composition of course.1 -
craygslyst1 wrote: »People like to make every conversation about themselves.
Quoted for truth.
I hadn’t seen my sister for a year, and hadn’t discussed my 60-lb weight loss with her. Quite literally, we see each other for the first time, her smile drops away, and she says, “I have GOT to get to the gym.”7 -
I really like the idea of either making the conversation jokingly about food or seeing what it is they need--to vent or really if they want advice. I wouldn't personally feel comfortable telling someone they need to be more "compassionate" to themselves, because you can want to lose weight without it being about self-loathing. You might just objectively want to lose some pounds because you know you're overweight. I would be annoyed if someone took me saying, "I need to lose some weight" as meaning the same as, "I hate my body," because wanting to be thinner, fitter and stronger can actually come from a place of love. But anyway, I'll stick to, "Oooh, pizza!" when appropriate! :-)0
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To a male friend: "Damn right you have you fat *kitten*! You need to get that lardy *kitten* into shape before the summer or Greenpeace will be rolling you back into the sea. When we hitting the gym together mate."
To a female friend/partner/spouse: I'd just run and maybe hide.11
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