How do you respond to dieting "confessionals"?

Running_and_Coffee
Running_and_Coffee Posts: 811 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
"You look great!" from a friend often turns into, "Ugh, I need to do something myself....I <insert non-diet-friendly behavior here>." Such as, I ate a pizza for lunch, I have gained 10 lbs since I saw you last. I don't want to reply in a way that sounds like I am judgmental, some sort of diet expert or lying. Which means I'm not going to tell them they should or should not have not eaten the pizza, and I'm not going to offer a recipe for a cauliflower crust instead, and I'm also not going to say, "You don't look like you gained an ounce!"

What I usually do is try to change the subject. Like I might say, "Oh, you know me, always on a diet! So how are the kids?" But was just curious how other people respond as I am sure I'm not the only one getting these confessions!
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Replies

  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,740 Member
    I just try to change the subject.
  • CarvedTones
    CarvedTones Posts: 2,340 Member
    If they say "I need to make a change" or some variation of that, I say "If you do, you will really be glad you did". If all they do is berate themselves, it's much harder to think of anything to say.
  • Bekah7482
    Bekah7482 Posts: 246 Member
    I usually say "You can do it!" and then change the subject. I hate when people want to talk diets and weight loss with me but I figure encouraging them and changing the subject means I acknowledged them and also made it so they get that I dont want to talk about weight loss with them.
  • LivingtheLeanDream
    LivingtheLeanDream Posts: 13,342 Member
    My DIL says all the time she needs to lose weight (she does btw), but I know she doesn't want to hear advice from anyone... she's hoping like so many hope for a magic pill!

    After the nth time recently of her telling me she needed to 'cut back' I mentioned MFP and just counting cals, I just put that idea out there - perhaps she will try it but a person has to be willing to put in the effort to lose...
  • jefamer2017
    jefamer2017 Posts: 416 Member
    LivingtheLeanDream wrote: »
    My DIL says all the time she needs to lose weight (she does btw), but I know she doesn't want to hear advice from anyone... she's hoping like so many hope for a magic pill!

    After the nth time recently of her telling me she needed to 'cut back' I mentioned MFP and just counting cals, I just put that idea out there - perhaps she will try it but a person has to be willing to put in the effort to lose...

    A friend of mine does this too. I say try myfitnesspal and get a food scale. She says it's too much work. I tell her you're always on the phone and in the kitchen so why not. She downloaded the app but has yet to use it. At least she took the first step.
  • jefamer2017
    jefamer2017 Posts: 416 Member
    If people ask what I'm doing I tell them. If they just say they need to lose weight I tell them what I'm doing too. Of course most people that come up to me about my weight loss are friends family and coworkers who I am fairly close to so I don't worry about changing the subject. If they didn't want to hear about they'd tell me. I like talking about my weight loss though. I have motivated 2 of my sisters my mother and a few coworkers.
  • jefamer2017
    jefamer2017 Posts: 416 Member
    amandaeve wrote: »
    I know a few women who can't get 5 words in without saying something hateful about their bodies and/or habits. If I'm feeling tired of hearing it (usually) I say, "Oh" or "Hm" and try to change the subject. If they keep on then I say something like, "Oh, I totally understand, I used to feel that way too. But then I decided to have some self compassion and now things are a lot better." They usually ignore me and keep on so then I say, "You know it's OK to be kind to yourself. How about we focus on what to do right now, or next time?" If they keep rambling after that, I usually have to remove myself from the conversation. Then in the back of my head I wonder if I used to be like that too? How did I get to know so many self-hating women? Is everyone like this? etc, etc.

    Question? Do you feel that if someone says that they are fat is negative speak. Because I have said that to people and they say no you're not. I was over 200lbs. I was FAT. I'm just curious because maybe I made people uncomfortable and now I kind of feel bad. Of course I'd only mention that I was fat when asked what I was doing after work and I'd tell them going home to work out because I am fat.
  • Cbean08
    Cbean08 Posts: 1,092 Member
    I brush it off.

    If someone complains about how they just overate, I ask them if the food was good.
    If they complain about how they need to lose X lbs, I tell them it's a beautiful day for an outdoor activity.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,423 Member
    Just say okay and change the subject if it isn't something you want to get into.
  • AnnPT77
    AnnPT77 Posts: 34,204 Member
    If someone asks how I did it, I tell them I ate less, and used this app to figure out how much. (Sometimes they argue with me: "But you must've cut carbs!" "It was your rowing!" - same rowing I did for a decade plus while obese. Etc.)

    If someone wants to talk about him/herself, how s/he ought to lose weight, I make encouraging sounds and say something like "I was fat for years, and knew I should lose weight, but finally something clicked - I don't know why - and I finally buckled down and did it. Now that I know how simple it was and how much better I feel, I wish I'd done it decades ago." Then I change the subject, because talking about this sort of thing is boring, unless they really push questions, or they're on a similar path to mine.

    The only time I really talk eating and fitness in depth is with a very small number of friends who have similar goals and methods, so sometimes we "talk shop" about it.
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,740 Member
    edited May 2018
    AnnPT77 wrote: »
    If someone asks how I did it, I tell them I ate less, and used this app to figure out how much. (Sometimes they argue with me: "But you must've cut carbs!" "It was your rowing!" - same rowing I did for a decade plus while obese. Etc.)...

    Oh man the rowing thing hit home so much. I walked miles every night while morbidly obese and yes I lost some weight doing that. But once I accelerated my losses with MFP, everyone was like "oh it's because you started walking!" and I'd been doing that for 6 years by then. Also I have had several people ask me about my bicycling and I maybe get on my bike once or twice a month and do 5 miles at most...I am certainly NOT a cyclist by any stretch of the imagination, but people want to argue that apps like this can't be the reason I am 100+ lighter.

    In reference to a few other posts, I think it's so interesting how different people view apps like MFP. I've had friends try it for less than a week and freak about how impossible/hard/awful it is. I've had friends try it for 2 months and lose more weight than they thought possible, then stop and regain. I have one friend who thinks counting calories is disordered eating and one day recently she mentioned that it's not healthy for ANYONE to count calories. That one puzzled me. I reminded her that I've been doing it for 5 years and that's why I'm not morbidly obese (currently healthy and happy & a tad overweight) like I was from 16-35. She backpedaled a little, but ugh. I love my friend dearly but she's a bit off-kilter when it comes to nutrition and health (same friend who said her children are thin ONLY because they drink whole milk). So frustrating and this is why I just try to change the subject.

  • jefamer2017
    jefamer2017 Posts: 416 Member
    amandaeve wrote: »
    jefamer2017 wrote: »
    amandaeve wrote: »
    I know a few women who can't get 5 words in without saying something hateful about their bodies and/or habits. If I'm feeling tired of hearing it (usually) I say, "Oh" or "Hm" and try to change the subject. If they keep on then I say something like, "Oh, I totally understand, I used to feel that way too. But then I decided to have some self compassion and now things are a lot better." They usually ignore me and keep on so then I say, "You know it's OK to be kind to yourself. How about we focus on what to do right now, or next time?" If they keep rambling after that, I usually have to remove myself from the conversation. Then in the back of my head I wonder if I used to be like that too? How did I get to know so many self-hating women? Is everyone like this? etc, etc.

    Question? Do you feel that if someone says that they are fat is negative speak. Because I have said that to people and they say no you're not. I was over 200lbs. I was FAT. I'm just curious because maybe I made people uncomfortable and now I kind of feel bad. Of course I'd only mention that I was fat when asked what I was doing after work and I'd tell them going home to work out because I am fat.

    Yeah, the same people who told me I "wasn't fat and looked fine" at 220 tell me I could "lose a little" at 145...some people are just all wrapped up in talk.

    The context around how you say you're fat matters:

    "I'm 50 pounds overweight and am focusing on fixing that" - this is a realistic, productive, true thing to say.

    "I'm so fat I'm a terrible person. " - this is never true. Ever.

    Should/tried/meant to/couldn't/need to/can't if any of those words are repeated in a long conversation about weight/beauty/success, that's negative speak. Talking for years about how someone/something is to blame for your failure, or about how you were wronged in childhood/work/life but not actively working to improve your perspective is hard to listen to. For me, if im around that talk enough, I fall into that conversation and suddenly everyone else has is better and I don't deserve anything good and I feel awful right along with the person.

    I see what you're saying. I don't do that. I know I am still overweight and I am doing something about it every day. 30lbs to lose until my healthy weight 40 for my goal. Depending upon composition of course.
  • Running_and_Coffee
    Running_and_Coffee Posts: 811 Member
    I really like the idea of either making the conversation jokingly about food or seeing what it is they need--to vent or really if they want advice. I wouldn't personally feel comfortable telling someone they need to be more "compassionate" to themselves, because you can want to lose weight without it being about self-loathing. You might just objectively want to lose some pounds because you know you're overweight. I would be annoyed if someone took me saying, "I need to lose some weight" as meaning the same as, "I hate my body," because wanting to be thinner, fitter and stronger can actually come from a place of love. But anyway, I'll stick to, "Oooh, pizza!" when appropriate! :-)

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