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  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,793 Member
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    A married couple down on their luck decides to make a few extra bucks by reluctantly having the wife work the corner.

    After the first day the husband picks her up and asks "how did you do?".

    She says, "I did pretty well, I made $200.50".

    He asks, "What *kitten* gave you 50 cents?" and she replies










    "all of them".
  • gabbygirl78
    gabbygirl78 Posts: 936 Member
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    A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."



    She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

    :drinker: :laugh:
  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,793 Member
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    A woman is shopping at a grocery store. She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line.
    "You must be single." the clerk says.
    Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, "Yes I am. How could you tell?".
    "Because you're ugly".
  • Vince_1964
    Vince_1964 Posts: 359 Member
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    A man walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender walks over and asks the man, “What’ll you have?” The man says, “Just a minute.” Then he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a small piano and bench and sets them on the bar. The bartender just looks at him, as he reaches into the pocket again, and pulls out a man, about a foot tall, who sits down at the piano and begins to play.
    The man at the bar says, “I’ll have a beer and a small one for my little friend here.”
    The bartender, who looks puzzled, gets them two beers, and asks, “OK, what’s the deal with the little piano and player?”
    The guy says, “Well, this is a magic coat, just whisper what you want and the coat will grant your wishes.”
    The bartender leans over and says, “I want a million bucks!”
    Several minutes later, they hear some loud flapping noises from outside and hundreds of ducks begin to hit the windows, doors and roof. The bartender is really confused now and says, “Hey, I asked for a million BUCKS, not a millions DUCKS!”
    The man with the coat says, “Well, I forgot to mention the magic coat is a little hard of hearing. You don’t really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist, do you?”
  • Mutant13
    Mutant13 Posts: 2,485 Member
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    Two deer walk out of a gay bar.

    One turns to the other and says "I can't believe I blew 20 bucks in there"
  • Hornsby
    Hornsby Posts: 10,322 Member
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    What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?



    A Lickalottapus



    What do you call a male gay dinosaur?




    A Megasorass
  • Mutant13
    Mutant13 Posts: 2,485 Member
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    What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA?

    kicked out of the petting zoo
  • LauraMacNCheese
    LauraMacNCheese Posts: 7,198 Member
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    A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
    A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service

    Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
    The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

    At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
    When all eyes stared at him, he said,
    "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

    And at that point, the proctologist fainted.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    What has 9 arms and sucks?












    Def Leppard:laugh:

    I'm going to hell for laughing at that!
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA?

    kicked out of the petting zoo

    Going to hell for that one too! :laugh:
  • Mutant13
    Mutant13 Posts: 2,485 Member
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    How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Fish
  • Mutant13
    Mutant13 Posts: 2,485 Member
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    What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA?

    kicked out of the petting zoo

    Going to hell for that one too! :laugh:

    Yeah I probably am. The staff were pretty pi$$ed.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    A strip of tarmac goes into the pub and orders a pint. After serving him, the barman asks if he wants to join his mate in the corner. Sitting in the corner is a strip of red tarmac. The strip of tarmac shakes his head violently: "I'm not going near him" it says, "he's a cyclepath!"
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Fish

    :laugh:
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

    "Why of course," comes the reply.
    The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

    "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

    The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

    "Of Course," replies the second man.

    Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

    "Dublin," comes the reply.

    "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

    "Of course," replies the second man.

    Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

    "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

    "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

    About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

    "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
  • laurenmanderson1
    laurenmanderson1 Posts: 113 Member
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    Two women walk into a local bar and the bartender can tell that the women were not from the area. So the bartender asks them:

    "Hello there, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

    Offended, one of the ladies replies:

    "It's Wales, you idiot!"

    The bartender looking embarrased then says:

    "My apologies, are you two whales from Scotland?"
  • SkinnyFatAlbert
    SkinnyFatAlbert Posts: 482 Member
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    What's the first thing a woman does when she comes home from the battered women's shelter? Makes dinner if she knows what's good for her.
  • harvo
    harvo Posts: 4,676 Member
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    A Rabbi, a Priest, and Minister walk into a bar....the bartender says "what is this...a joke?"
  • GrimmJKA
    GrimmJKA Posts: 33
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    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=127YLtdSHJ0
  • wjstoj
    wjstoj Posts: 884 Member
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    What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA?

    kicked out of the petting zoo
    BEST
    JOKE
    EVER

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