tell me

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Replies

  • joe_madre
    joe_madre Posts: 693
    I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
    I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...
    but she did.
  • Spaghetti_Bender
    Spaghetti_Bender Posts: 509 Member
    A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

    The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."

    "Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

    The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

    On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

    The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
  • joe_madre
    joe_madre Posts: 693
    A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think
    I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll
    just have to be a little patient."
  • AlongCame_Molly
    AlongCame_Molly Posts: 2,835 Member
    For the science geeks out there:

    Two men walk into a bar. The first says to the barkeep, "I'll have an H2O." The second man says "I'll have H2O too."
































    The second man died.
  • orczombie
    orczombie Posts: 20 Member
    What do you call a cow with no legs?



    Ground beef.



    What do you call a dog with no legs?



    It doesn't matter because he won't come anyways.
  • chubaway
    chubaway Posts: 1,645 Member
    Where do you find a dog with no legs?









    Right where you left him.
  • chubaway
    chubaway Posts: 1,645 Member
    "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided
    to give your wife $775 a week"

    "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"
  • Mitzki5
    Mitzki5 Posts: 482 Member
    An old married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife is trying to go to sleep and the old man is feeling frisky, but she just ignores him. The next night, the wife is a little excited but the husband is already asleep. The third night the two talk about not being on the same page about sex. They decide to work out a system. The wife says to the husband....."When I am wanting a little action, I will reach over and give your privates a tug to let you know I am interested." The husband says "Ok.....but when you are not in the mood, be sure to tug on it about 30 times so I don't get the wrong message."
  • Mitzki5
    Mitzki5 Posts: 482 Member
    What do you call a dog with no back legs and steel nuts?












    Sparky
  • chubaway
    chubaway Posts: 1,645 Member
    Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

    Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?"

    Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
  • Madame_Goldbricker
    Madame_Goldbricker Posts: 1,625 Member
    1.Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."

    2.Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."

    3.Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."

    4.Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."

    5.Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."

    6.Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."

    7.Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."

    8.Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."

    9.Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."

    10.Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."

    Top 10 from 1013 Edinburgh Fringe
  • lewandt
    lewandt Posts: 566 Member
    An old married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife is trying to go to sleep and the old man is feeling frisky, but she just ignores him. The next night, the wife is a little excited but the husband is already asleep. The third night the two talk about not being on the same page about sex. They decide to work out a system. The wife says to the husband....."When I am wanting a little action, I will reach over and give your privates a tug to let you know I am interested." The husband says "Ok.....but when you are not in the mood, be sure to tug on it about 30 times so I don't get the wrong message."

    that is really funny
  • arathena720
    arathena720 Posts: 449 Member
    A guy comes home from work to find his girlfriend with her bags packed, heading out the door. The guy says "Honey, why are you leaving me?" She replies "I just found out that you're a pedophile!" The guy says "Pedophile? Say, that's a mighty big word for a 13 teen year old!"
  • joe_madre
    joe_madre Posts: 693
    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of a door?
















    Matt.
  • joe_madre
    joe_madre Posts: 693
    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs under a car?















    Jack
  • joe_madre
    joe_madre Posts: 693
    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pot?

















    Stew.
  • joe_madre
    joe_madre Posts: 693
    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs cutting the grass?













    Mow
  • joe_madre
    joe_madre Posts: 693
    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs going to the bathroom?












    John
  • Hornsby
    Hornsby Posts: 10,322 Member
    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean?








    Bob
  • krissielynn_87
    krissielynn_87 Posts: 59 Member
    lewandt wrote: »
    An old married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife is trying to go to sleep and the old man is feeling frisky, but she just ignores him. The next night, the wife is a little excited but the husband is already asleep. The third night the two talk about not being on the same page about sex. They decide to work out a system. The wife says to the husband....."When I am wanting a little action, I will reach over and give your privates a tug to let you know I am interested." The husband says "Ok.....but when you are not in the mood, be sure to tug on it about 30 times so I don't get the wrong message."

    that is really funny

    HAHAHAHHA
  • jnichel
    jnichel Posts: 4,553 Member
    edited March 2015
    A farmer and his son are tending to the cows when the son sees a bull mount a cow.

    Son: "Pa, what are they doing?"
    Pa: "Son, they are ferkin'."
    Son: "What's 'ferkin'?"
    Pa: "Come inside the house boy, it's time you learn."

    The head into the house, where the farmer finds his wife...

    Pa: "Ma, take your clothes off and get into bed."

    Ma complies....

    Pa: "Okay Son, you see that hole between Ma's legs?"
    Son: "Yes Pa, I do."
    Pa: "Watch me get it."

    Pa undresses and proceeds to mount Ma

    The daughter walks by, looks at what is going on in the bedroom....

    Daughter: "Brother, what are Ma and Pa doing?"
    Son: "Sis, they be ferkin'."
    Daughter: "What's ferkin'?"
    Son: "Well Sis, do you see that hole between Pa's legs?"
    Daughter: "Yes Brother, I do."
    Son: "Watch me get it."
  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,788 Member
    A popular whorehouse was visited by a lesbian. The lesbian requested
    a 15-year-old, and the madam replied "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors
    to lickers."
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