Boyfriend frustrations!
Replies
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I'm sure it get's hard sometimes with no one in your corner to offer support. Learn to be your own support system and how to enjoy your own company. Leave him alone, you can't help him if he isn't interested.0
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Leave the man be or just leave the man.
^ This. I like this for these threads.0 -
I love how all the "pffft video games!" people take a break from Keeping Up With The Kardashians just long enough to knock on other peoples hobbies.
And of course all the morons that immediatly start with "leave him!" who are all on their 2nd+ marriage.
Just sit him down and have an adult conversation with him. Share how you feel and then ask for his input.0 -
I understand your concern, but obviously he's just not motivated and doesn't want to work out. Offer it when you can, but if he doesn't take you up on it, let it go. Honestly, I probably wouldn't want to be with someone who has a family history of serious health problems and doesn't want to get healthy. It's not cosmetic, but the fact that down the line, I'll be dealing with his health problems brought on by a lifetime of unhealthiness.0
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When did you start getting healthy and active?
So because you decided you're ready, he should?
I promise you will face way bigger trials in this life as partners; if this one is giving you trouble, you should just break up now. Wait until one of you has cancer, or becomes a paraplegic, or you have a disabled baby, or you both lose your jobs at the same time... then your complaint about his not wanting to exercise with you will seem... what's the word? Ridiculous.
We all have problems. I am posting in the support board for support. You have no idea what I have been through in my life or let a lone the last month so who are you to judge based on a topic a posted?
Support for what? Making him go for a walk with you? You can't. We can't. No one can but him... if he doesn't want to go for a walk with you, don't worry about it. You do you; let him do him. It doesn't matter what you've been through in your life. You will go through more. Whether or not your boyfriend/partner/husband will ever join you for a walk is not so big.
You are reading too much into one thing I mentioned...the walk was an example. when you have been with someone for almost 5 years who you love so much of course you are going to want to TRY and help them. Almost everyone here has said to just leave him...I pray to god that nothing happens to his health.
Okay...I think you have crossed the line here into being co-dependent. If something happens to his health, it is on his head, not yours. You have tried to get him involved in being active and that's all you can do: offer and invite him to join you.
If his health suffers because he has chosen to disregard your invites, then that is in no way reflective of you. His health is NOT your responsibility. As almost everyone stated above, let it go. You can still throw out the invites, but you need to let go of the need to control his life, health, activity level. He can only save himself, he doesn't need you to save him.
Once you start down that path of "it's up to me to get his life/health/finances/job/self esteem in order", it's a slippery slope. Just stand back from the edge, because once you become co-dependent of someone else's life thinking you can help them like that, it is just massively detrimental to both of you.0 -
Okay let me just make theis clear. The whole thing is that I don't nag him I am scared to. If i ask him if he would like to join me for say a walk he does say okay but when it comes time to walk he doesn't want to anymore. I don't control him I don't make him do things I simply ask and if he says yes then says no its just frustrating. I came on here to find some advice to help us out.
Again I do NOT control him at all in fact we have a great equal relationship this is just one part that i am finding a little frustrating.
Sue me for trying to help the man I love but I am not leaving him over something like this that is just ridiculous.
I would dump him. If he can't keep his word about something as simple as going for a walk with you, imagine what else he can't (or isn't) keeping his word about.0 -
These are some signs of co-dependent behavior [from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/04/04/signs-of-codependence-codependent-behavior/]
• Taking responsibility for someone else’s actions
• Worrying or carrying the burden for others’ problems
• Trying to solve someone else’s problems, or trying to change someone
• Covering up to protect others from reaping the consequences of their poor choices
• Doing more than is required at your job or at home to earn approval
• Feeling obligated to do what others expect without consulting one’s own needs
• Manipulating others’ responses instead of accepting them at face value
• Being suspicious of receiving love, not feeling “worthy” of being loved
• In a relationship based on need, not out of mutual respect
• Life being directed by external rather than internal cues (“should do” vs. “want to do”)
• Enabling someone to take our time or resources without our consent
• Neglecting our own needs in the process of caring for someone who doesn’t want to care for themselves0 -
ITT: Bitter people overreacting because of their own relationship frustrations0
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The thing that would bother me most is the commitment to do something with you by saying "yes" and then not following through. This is only the beginning of a relationship blowup in the future....Don't text...ask in person with eye contact...."Will you go to the park with me for a walk?" Get a real answer and actually communicate....I know young people text so much but we are losing the art of really communicating with those that matter.0
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These are some signs of co-dependent behavior [from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/04/04/signs-of-codependence-codependent-behavior/]
• Taking responsibility for someone else’s actions
• Worrying or carrying the burden for others’ problems
• Trying to solve someone else’s problems, or trying to change someone
• Covering up to protect others from reaping the consequences of their poor choices
• Doing more than is required at your job or at home to earn approval
• Feeling obligated to do what others expect without consulting one’s own needs
• Manipulating others’ responses instead of accepting them at face value
• Being suspicious of receiving love, not feeling “worthy” of being loved
• In a relationship based on need, not out of mutual respect
• Life being directed by external rather than internal cues (“should do” vs. “want to do”)
• Enabling someone to take our time or resources without our consent
• Neglecting our own needs in the process of caring for someone who doesn’t want to care for themselves
Exactly! And we all know it's just one small step from the terrible co-dependency demonstrated by asking someone to exercise, to spousal abuse. Get out now, OP!
Wait. Is this perhaps a bit of an overreaction?0 -
you should leave now before he cuts you up with the wood chipper for nagging him so much0
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I did not read all these pages, but what I would do is say, "On Sunday, I am going for a walk at the park. If you would like to join me you can meet me there at 1pm." No show? You go for a walk without him.
He'll eventually have to decide whether he likes video games or things with you. You can take it from there.
Good luck!
Edit to add: DON'T NAG him! That's his mother's job.0 -
Get a dog. Seriously. www.petfinder.com
Dogs love to go for walks whenever you want to, every day, four times a day.0 -
Get a dog. Seriously. www.petfinder.com
Dogs love to go for walks whenever you want to, every day, four times a day.
LOL true!! They don't answer back either! :laugh:0 -
You are reading too much into one thing I mentioned...the walk was an example. when you have been with someone for almost 5 years who you love so much of course you are going to want to TRY and help them. Almost everyone here has said to just leave him...I pray to god that nothing happens to his health.
I've known my now husband since we were 12 (we're 36 this year). 10 years ago we watched the finale of my grandfathers life. A long time smoker, he had emphasema with related vascular issues, he spent 10 years laying in a bed because he didn't have the energy to move, my grandmother served him every day for those 10 years. 4 months after my grandfather's pain ended my grandmother's cancer punctured her lung and attacked her adrenal gland, she didn't sleep for 3 days, then she was gone.
My then boyfriend watched this, and asked me to finally quit smoking. I said okay, but then would sneak one every once in a while. He caught me smoking, sat me down and told me that he loved me too much to watch me hurt myself, then he packed a bag and slept on his friend's couch. I recommitted, he came back, we've been married for 6 years. So yes, just leaving is an option.0 -
I think it's time to reevaluate what you want out of this relationship. My DH was 280 lbs, complained yet never exercised. I was never medically overweight, but was very close to that number. I started this journey and would occasionally asked him to join in my activities. He always said no. Sure I wish he would have joined me, but it was not a deal breaker. I still did things with my DH, just not in the form of exercise. As time went by he started joining me on bike rides. Come to find out he really likes biking. GREAT. We eventually got him a better, faster bike. He is down 11 lbs and is the one asking me to go rides.
Sometimes these things take time. Other times it will never happen. I have 2 different friends who do triathlons and marathons. Neither one of their husbands workout in anyway shape or form. It's a non issue for them. Both of them do long runs, bike rides and/or races alone or with other friends/groups. Quality time with their husbands are in different forms.
Really take a look at what you want from the relationship. Some people want quality time with their SO in form of exercise-type activities. Others find other ways of support by joining run, walk or bike clubs. Finding friends and neighbors to workout with them. I walk with one of my neighbors as DH is not interested in power walking. No big deal.0 -
Hello,
I am not trying to talk down about my boyfriend but...
Your post indicates this may not be true.Should I just let it go?
Yes0 -
When did you start getting healthy and active?
So because you decided you're ready, he should?
I promise you will face way bigger trials in this life as partners; if this one is giving you trouble, you should just break up now. Wait until one of you has cancer, or becomes a paraplegic, or you have a disabled baby, or you both lose your jobs at the same time... then your complaint about his not wanting to exercise with you will seem... what's the word? Ridiculous.Support for what? Making him go for a walk with you? You can't. We can't. No one can but him... if he doesn't want to go for a walk with you, don't worry about it. You do you; let him do him. It doesn't matter what you've been through in your life. You will go through more. Whether or not your boyfriend/partner/husband will ever join you for a walk is not so big.
For the record, and in case this was lost in translation, when I said you should break up I was being facetious. What i was saying, is that this is a very small issue compared to some that just about every relationship will face. Sure, it is an issue, but it's a very small one in the grand scheme of life.
You take care of you; he will take care of him. Over time, he will change, you will change; it's possible who you are now and who he is now are both nothing like you'll be in 10-20-30 years. So he gets into fitness now and everything is good, but then he gets injured and is bedridden for a year or something and gains 50 lbs... will that lead you to love him right where he's at in his life or will you fret about whether or not he'll ever lose the weight.
I'm not speaking from ignorance here. And I'm not bitter. I had an awesome first marriage where we went through all kinds of trials together including injuries, job losses and nearly losing our first son when he was an infant. All those things strengthened our marriage because we were willing to look past our faults and love and encourage one another. Also for the record, I'm only on a 2nd marriage because my first husband died in an accident when our 2nd son was 2 months old. So... yeah, not bitter, just perhaps a bit more experienced in life.0 -
Hello,
I am not trying to talk down about my boyfriend but I am just getting to the point where I have had enough. He is in no way motivated to do anything healthy or active with his life. Asking him to go for a walk is like mission impossible. I understand that I cant make him do what he doesnt want to do but having to hear him complain about his appearance is a little tiring when he doesnt want to do anything active for it.
Its like he goes to work then when work finishes its just time to relax watch tv and play games ONLY...I keep trying in a non pushy way to ask him to do things with me but he says Okay and then never does it... And gets annoyed if i ask again.
Am I really that bad of a person?
I hate that I feel like I am being pushy but I know i could be way worse if I wanted to be.
Does anyone else have a similar situation?
Should I just let it go?
I have a similar problem. My boyfriend doesnt really support me in my weight loss and he is not doing anything healthy. When he eats junk I end up eating junk.
Your not a bad person and I understand. My bf makes me feel like im pushy too when I ask him to go with me outside for a walk together.
I say that a nice healthy dinner at home and tell him you really want to talk. Im going to do that with my boyfriend.0 -
Throughout my relationship, my boyfriend and I have both been on different sides of this problem. From my perspective, I would get frustrated when he would ask me to do active things when I didn't feel like it but I would get disappointed that he wasn't trying to encourage me if he didn't ask and just did things on his own (regardless of whether I would want to do it or not! what a train wreck right? sheesh! so glad I broke through that depression cycle).
So depending on if he seems to get annoyed by your asking, I would just give him the option of coming (maybe do something that isn't as "exercise" themed but will still get exercise in.. bowling, walking around a park, ask him for some "we" time and go hold hands while window shopping?) and then let him be if he decides against it. He is going to have to come to the realization that he wants to change himself. If it's something that you can't handle, watching him fail to do what you think he should be doing, I would ask yourself if maybe you just aren't in the same place in your relationship or whether you have the extreme patience and tolerance to allow it to continue while not interfering in a way that could ruin your relationship. Kind of a tough situation! Sorry you both are going through it.0 -
he sounds like a great catch
:laugh:0 -
has noone really not played the get out now girl before the abuse starts?0
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Thankfully science has made boyfriends almost completely obsolete. Just switch teams ;p0
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Thankfully science has made boyfriends almost completely obsolete. Just switch teams ;p
hey this is midseason, how about following the rules and offering trade scenarios or wait till they hit the waiver wire0 -
Leave the man be or just leave the man. LOVE IT!0
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video games. pfff great catch there.
Excuse me? Video games are awesome. :grumble:0 -
My husband HATES to walk, he wont' do it, refuses but he loves to go bike riding, so that's something we do together.
I strongly suggest to keep looking and finding some common interest but even if you do find something and he's still not interested in working out, your only choices are to accept or not and then make decisions from there.0 -
I feel horrible for you reading some of these comments that are being so rude to you!
Do you guys live together? If so, maybe you could offer to make him lunch to take to work some days, which would cut out some of his take out, but I guess only if he wants you to!
I agree that maybe if you keep up your new life style he might eventually start just doing stuff like walking with you, even if it's just to spend time with you.
Other than that, I'm not sure what you could do. Maybe ask if he will do it with you because you would like the motivation for yourself and the company.
All the best
I agree with this. Good Luck0 -
Only he can decide he wants to change. I'd invite him when you workout but then just go. Worry about YOU and he can make his own Choice to get healthy when he's ready.0
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The way I see it.....leave it be or leave him. Honestly I would have left this post at home:) Motivation for you, not for somebody who wishes to play video games and complain about his appearance. He is a grown man, let him make his own choices and you re-evaluate yours! Hope this helped! :glasses:0
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