Just be nice
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I think it's important to consider how effective a cold bucket of reality is really going to be when the dynamic isn't you and your BFF, but a bunch of strangers, many of whom might be feeling sensitive or vulnerable. I'm sure everyone IS intending to be helpful and honest, but what I typically see is:
OP: I want to do <insert popular diet/unrealistic weight loss goal/scam/green tea supplements>
MFP: That won't work. You're overcomplicating this. Eat less. (Sometimes accompanied by flow chart.)
That cold bucket feels...cold. It also could feel discouraging. The OP could interpret it as, "They think I'm stupid."
I mean these are people who are going out on a limb, talking to strangers. They might be frustrated with their bodies, which is no fun And now they feel ostracized for their brains as well, or at least their judgment.
I'm not saying that we should LIE, but there's probably something in between being blunt and maybe a wee bit judgmental and patting them on the head condescendingly.
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Running_and_Coffee wrote: »I think it's important to consider how effective a cold bucket of reality is really going to be when the dynamic isn't you and your BFF, but a bunch of strangers, many of whom might be feeling sensitive or vulnerable. I'm sure everyone IS intending to be helpful and honest, but what I typically see is:
OP: I want to do <insert popular diet/unrealistic weight loss goal/scam/green tea supplements>
MFP: That won't work. You're overcomplicating this. Eat less. (Sometimes accompanied by flow chart.)
That cold bucket feels...cold. It also could feel discouraging. The OP could interpret it as, "They think I'm stupid."
I mean these are people who are going out on a limb, talking to strangers. They might be frustrated with their bodies, which is no fun And now they feel ostracized for their brains as well, or at least their judgment.
I'm not saying that we should LIE, but there's probably something in between being blunt and maybe a wee bit judgmental and patting them on the head condescendingly.
How would you answer that post, just out of interest? Or would you just scroll on past?6 -
DeadliftsAndSprinkles wrote: »I’ve used this app on and off for years but never read the community section. And now as I read it there is a LOT of just pure hatred and people being mean. So many people here are just asking questions and want input and even learn. I see post of people saying this or that is wrong or just plain being mean.
So if you post replies be supportive of one another. It is a community of people trying to better themselves. Lift each other up in encouragement, support and kindness. It always will come back to you. That being said, Happy Thursday 😁
This is a legitimate question: if someone here posts misinformation, do you think it's mean for someone to tell them that they're wrong?
Depends on 1. Whether they can do so without insults and 2. Whether they can explain how it’s “misinformation.”
I posted something last year about what I was doing to rev up my metabolism and I was jeered and mocked and had a pack of people following me to other threads to talk about how I was out to hurt people with my “lies.” Sometimes there are simply different viewpoints with legitimate scientific support. I get what the op means.23 -
Had to look up flounce. LOL
https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Flounce3 -
cmriverside wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »'Pure hatred'? Really? Care to link to some 'hatred'?
Yes there's straight talking and a lack of sugar coating (who's got the spare cals for that?!) But I have never seen hatred, and I've been here a loooooooong time.
Pure hatred is starting this thread on a Thursday and making me think for a minute that it's actually Friday.
No, but it IS rage-quit Thursday.
I don't believe in rage-quitting. Once I have worn out my welcome I stay for maybe 4 or 5 more years and then I just disappear.
How do you feel about flouncing? I think that's much classier than rage-quitting.
If it is classier I don't want to have anything to do with it.
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Running_and_Coffee wrote: »I think it's important to consider how effective a cold bucket of reality is really going to be when the dynamic isn't you and your BFF, but a bunch of strangers, many of whom might be feeling sensitive or vulnerable. I'm sure everyone IS intending to be helpful and honest, but what I typically see is:
OP: I want to do <insert popular diet/unrealistic weight loss goal/scam/green tea supplements>
MFP: That won't work. You're overcomplicating this. Eat less. (Sometimes accompanied by flow chart.)
That cold bucket feels...cold. It also could feel discouraging. The OP could interpret it as, "They think I'm stupid."
I mean these are people who are going out on a limb, talking to strangers. They might be frustrated with their bodies, which is no fun And now they feel ostracized for their brains as well, or at least their judgment.
I'm not saying that we should LIE, but there's probably something in between being blunt and maybe a wee bit judgmental and patting them on the head condescendingly.
I think most posters give the kind of advice that they themselves respond best to. If people want to see more of their own kind of advice then I think the best way is to jump in and start giving it. Be the change you want to see and all of that.21 -
Running_and_Coffee wrote: »I think it's important to consider how effective a cold bucket of reality is really going to be when the dynamic isn't you and your BFF, but a bunch of strangers, many of whom might be feeling sensitive or vulnerable. I'm sure everyone IS intending to be helpful and honest, but what I typically see is:
OP: I want to do <insert popular diet/unrealistic weight loss goal/scam/green tea supplements>
MFP: That won't work. You're overcomplicating this. Eat less. (Sometimes accompanied by flow chart.)
That cold bucket feels...cold. It also could feel discouraging. The OP could interpret it as, "They think I'm stupid."
I mean these are people who are going out on a limb, talking to strangers. They might be frustrated with their bodies, which is no fun And now they feel ostracized for their brains as well, or at least their judgment.
I'm not saying that we should LIE, but there's probably something in between being blunt and maybe a wee bit judgmental and patting them on the head condescendingly.
I'd like to think that most people are giving information the way they prefer to receive it. So "cold bucket" people may actually prefer for people to be blunt and straightforward with them.
You're going to have people with different preferences interacting in situations like this and it can be complicated when we don't have the immediate feedback of facial expressions, body language, tone of voice. In real life, someone may start out blunt and immediately see a look of hurt or shock on someone's face and have time to adjust their communication.9 -
cmriverside wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »'Pure hatred'? Really? Care to link to some 'hatred'?
Yes there's straight talking and a lack of sugar coating (who's got the spare cals for that?!) But I have never seen hatred, and I've been here a loooooooong time.
Pure hatred is starting this thread on a Thursday and making me think for a minute that it's actually Friday.
No, but it IS rage-quit Thursday.
I don't believe in rage-quitting. Once I have worn out my welcome I stay for maybe 4 or 5 more years and then I just disappear.
How do you feel about flouncing? I think that's much classier than rage-quitting.
I flounced from these boards once. It didn't stick.10 -
diannethegeek wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »'Pure hatred'? Really? Care to link to some 'hatred'?
Yes there's straight talking and a lack of sugar coating (who's got the spare cals for that?!) But I have never seen hatred, and I've been here a loooooooong time.
Pure hatred is starting this thread on a Thursday and making me think for a minute that it's actually Friday.
No, but it IS rage-quit Thursday.
I don't believe in rage-quitting. Once I have worn out my welcome I stay for maybe 4 or 5 more years and then I just disappear.
How do you feel about flouncing? I think that's much classier than rage-quitting.
I flounced from these boards once. It didn't stick.
Well, that’s because science, like CICO. 😜4 -
L1zardQueen wrote: »Had to look up flounce. LOL
https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Flounce
hah. The original!!
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Yes, but HOW can someone be told that their plan is stupid, without feeling stupid? Is it even possible? The stupider the plan, the harder the attachment to it. And should other people care? I think that people who want change, change, and people who want to talk, talk. 98% percent of new threads are just chit-chat and looking for new friends.10
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I would like to say I think you are all kind, wonderful and good human beings and I thank you for all you do and the suggestions you have provided when I asked a question.
(Pure niceness post to counteract all the pure hatred)14 -
diannethegeek wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »'Pure hatred'? Really? Care to link to some 'hatred'?
Yes there's straight talking and a lack of sugar coating (who's got the spare cals for that?!) But I have never seen hatred, and I've been here a loooooooong time.
Pure hatred is starting this thread on a Thursday and making me think for a minute that it's actually Friday.
No, but it IS rage-quit Thursday.
I don't believe in rage-quitting. Once I have worn out my welcome I stay for maybe 4 or 5 more years and then I just disappear.
How do you feel about flouncing? I think that's much classier than rage-quitting.
I flounced from these boards once. It didn't stick.
I remember that. Unfortunately, several other veteran, and quite knowledgeable people, left around the same time. I'm glad you came back.
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TavistockToad wrote: »Running_and_Coffee wrote: »I think it's important to consider how effective a cold bucket of reality is really going to be when the dynamic isn't you and your BFF, but a bunch of strangers, many of whom might be feeling sensitive or vulnerable. I'm sure everyone IS intending to be helpful and honest, but what I typically see is:
OP: I want to do <insert popular diet/unrealistic weight loss goal/scam/green tea supplements>
MFP: That won't work. You're overcomplicating this. Eat less. (Sometimes accompanied by flow chart.)
That cold bucket feels...cold. It also could feel discouraging. The OP could interpret it as, "They think I'm stupid."
I mean these are people who are going out on a limb, talking to strangers. They might be frustrated with their bodies, which is no fun And now they feel ostracized for their brains as well, or at least their judgment.
I'm not saying that we should LIE, but there's probably something in between being blunt and maybe a wee bit judgmental and patting them on the head condescendingly.
How would you answer that post, just out of interest? Or would you just scroll on past?
If I thought I could answer in a way that would be helpful and would actually be well-received, I'd answer. If not, I'd scroll. If I have to think too hard to answer "nicely," scrolling works.7 -
It's always the people who haven't bothered to try and help others in the community who make posts like this.21
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HUG, because I can come off as rude and my communication as harsh sometimes.DoubleUbea wrote: »I would like to say I think you are all kind, wonderful and good human beings and I thank you for all you do and the suggestions you have provided when I asked a question.
(Pure niceness post to counteract all the pure hatred)5 -
Running_and_Coffee wrote: »I think it's important to consider how effective a cold bucket of reality is really going to be when the dynamic isn't you and your BFF, but a bunch of strangers, many of whom might be feeling sensitive or vulnerable. I'm sure everyone IS intending to be helpful and honest, but what I typically see is:
OP: I want to do <insert popular diet/unrealistic weight loss goal/scam/green tea supplements>
MFP: That won't work. You're overcomplicating this. Eat less. (Sometimes accompanied by flow chart.)
That cold bucket feels...cold. It also could feel discouraging. The OP could interpret it as, "They think I'm stupid."
I mean these are people who are going out on a limb, talking to strangers. They might be frustrated with their bodies, which is no fun And now they feel ostracized for their brains as well, or at least their judgment.
I'm not saying that we should LIE, but there's probably something in between being blunt and maybe a wee bit judgmental and patting them on the head condescendingly.
While I don't disagree with the idea, I think that's really hard to do in reality. you can't predict how someone will receive information, especially information that is corrective or goes against what they think they know.
IMO, make a reasonable effort to not be a condescending *kitten* about it, but beyond that, let the pieces fall where they may.4 -
Running_and_Coffee wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »Running_and_Coffee wrote: »I think it's important to consider how effective a cold bucket of reality is really going to be when the dynamic isn't you and your BFF, but a bunch of strangers, many of whom might be feeling sensitive or vulnerable. I'm sure everyone IS intending to be helpful and honest, but what I typically see is:
OP: I want to do <insert popular diet/unrealistic weight loss goal/scam/green tea supplements>
MFP: That won't work. You're overcomplicating this. Eat less. (Sometimes accompanied by flow chart.)
That cold bucket feels...cold. It also could feel discouraging. The OP could interpret it as, "They think I'm stupid."
I mean these are people who are going out on a limb, talking to strangers. They might be frustrated with their bodies, which is no fun And now they feel ostracized for their brains as well, or at least their judgment.
I'm not saying that we should LIE, but there's probably something in between being blunt and maybe a wee bit judgmental and patting them on the head condescendingly.
How would you answer that post, just out of interest? Or would you just scroll on past?
If I thought I could answer in a way that would be helpful and would actually be well-received, I'd answer. If not, I'd scroll. If I have to think too hard to answer "nicely," scrolling works.
How does that help the next new person who comes along and is curious and might be swayed by the OP?
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I must be reading the wrong threads... this is what I saw this morning. I thought it did a pretty good job of "lifting people up with encouragement & support". Though I also think people are "lifted up" when they are empowered with correct information.
https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10688935/can-t-live-like-this-anymore/p16 -
kommodevaran wrote: »Yes, but HOW can someone be told that their plan is stupid, without feeling stupid? Is it even possible? The stupider the plan, the harder the attachment to it. And should other people care? I think that people who want change, change, and people who want to talk, talk. 98% percent of new threads are just chit-chat and looking for new friends.
A really long time ago I made an online post asking how to execute a plan that was clearly dumber than hell. (That is, it was immediately clear to everyone BUT me).
I had no idea this plan was dumb. I didn't know hardly anything about the subject and I hadn't spent much time thinking about it in the context of what I did know.
Immediately, people pointed out how dumb it was. Responses poured in. Some responses were obviously from people trying to be kind while still conveying how dumb this idea was. Others were less concerned with their tone and more concerned that I not do this dumb thing (which could potentially wind up impacting others negatively). A couple of people concluded it was so dumb that it couldn't be real and I was just trying to rile people up.
The thing was: it was stupid. As soon as I saw the objections -- delicately phrased or not -- the pieces all came together for me. I'm grateful for those people taking time out of their day to set me straight. People who are somewhat clever in some areas of life (as I fancy myself) can come to dumb conclusions in other areas of their life. Saying "This idea is dumb" isn't the same thing as saying "You are dumb." Even the people who concluded that I was trolling them, I don't blame them -- it's the internet and you can't blame people for being wary of being trolled when trolling happens all the time here.
I didn't need support for my dumbness and I didn't need someone to hold my hand. I needed accurate information on the subject. I got it, in a variety of styles.
I'm not saying that everyone needs what I need. People are different. But in the instances where I am more blunt, I'm thinking of what helped me in the past.
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