Just be nice
Replies
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debrakgoogins wrote: »singingflutelady wrote: »I find it funny to see all the "does anyone do keto" threads some days especially when there are multiple keto threads on the front page. No need to google to find them.
I saw four separate posts today about "anyone from TN" and they were all from different people. I sometimes wish there was a hard edit that required a first timer or someone who hasn't posted in X amount of time to read how to and acknowledge they understand how to do a search before posting a new topic.
I'm on an anxiety message board where the moderators merge multiple threads that are by the same person or on the same subject. It really cuts down on the repetitiveness of the boards.6 -
callsitlikeiseeit wrote: »Tacklewasher wrote: »Running_and_Coffee wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »Running_and_Coffee wrote: »I think it's important to consider how effective a cold bucket of reality is really going to be when the dynamic isn't you and your BFF, but a bunch of strangers, many of whom might be feeling sensitive or vulnerable. I'm sure everyone IS intending to be helpful and honest, but what I typically see is:
OP: I want to do <insert popular diet/unrealistic weight loss goal/scam/green tea supplements>
MFP: That won't work. You're overcomplicating this. Eat less. (Sometimes accompanied by flow chart.)
That cold bucket feels...cold. It also could feel discouraging. The OP could interpret it as, "They think I'm stupid."
I mean these are people who are going out on a limb, talking to strangers. They might be frustrated with their bodies, which is no fun And now they feel ostracized for their brains as well, or at least their judgment.
I'm not saying that we should LIE, but there's probably something in between being blunt and maybe a wee bit judgmental and patting them on the head condescendingly.
How would you answer that post, just out of interest? Or would you just scroll on past?
If I thought I could answer in a way that would be helpful and would actually be well-received, I'd answer. If not, I'd scroll. If I have to think too hard to answer "nicely," scrolling works.
How does that help the next new person who comes along and is curious and might be swayed by the OP?
theres a lot of posts I don't respond to because my immediate response is ' you're a dumbass' and other members already have it covered.
this goes for other boards as well as MFP lololol
Agreed, and I do that as well. Just get frustrated when those who do respond nicer than I would are labelled as "mean" and all I can think about is what my reply would have been labelled.4 -
@pinuplove It could have been a bump situation - didn't think about that. See, another kind MFPer sharing their wisdom. Peace, love and rainbows my friend.5
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I’m gonna be the one person on this thread that actually agrees with you for the most part. I don’t think there’s any “hatred” but a lot of people can be rude and make this place kind of intimidating for people who are new. I’m sure nobody is trying to be rude and I’m sure it’s just tough love but when I look through the threads, it seems like a lot of the newer people are sometimes treated like they’re stupid if they ask a question that might be obvious for people who have been here a while No, I can’t think of any specific examples but it’s something I’ve thought about while going through threads. Now everyone’s going to get defensive but I’m just saying what I’ve noticed :-)19
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debrakgoogins wrote: »@pinuplove It could have been a bump situation - didn't think about that. See, another kind MFPer sharing their wisdom. Peace, love and rainbows my friend.
*hugs*
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Tacklewasher wrote: »callsitlikeiseeit wrote: »Tacklewasher wrote: »Running_and_Coffee wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »Running_and_Coffee wrote: »I think it's important to consider how effective a cold bucket of reality is really going to be when the dynamic isn't you and your BFF, but a bunch of strangers, many of whom might be feeling sensitive or vulnerable. I'm sure everyone IS intending to be helpful and honest, but what I typically see is:
OP: I want to do <insert popular diet/unrealistic weight loss goal/scam/green tea supplements>
MFP: That won't work. You're overcomplicating this. Eat less. (Sometimes accompanied by flow chart.)
That cold bucket feels...cold. It also could feel discouraging. The OP could interpret it as, "They think I'm stupid."
I mean these are people who are going out on a limb, talking to strangers. They might be frustrated with their bodies, which is no fun And now they feel ostracized for their brains as well, or at least their judgment.
I'm not saying that we should LIE, but there's probably something in between being blunt and maybe a wee bit judgmental and patting them on the head condescendingly.
How would you answer that post, just out of interest? Or would you just scroll on past?
If I thought I could answer in a way that would be helpful and would actually be well-received, I'd answer. If not, I'd scroll. If I have to think too hard to answer "nicely," scrolling works.
How does that help the next new person who comes along and is curious and might be swayed by the OP?
theres a lot of posts I don't respond to because my immediate response is ' you're a dumbass' and other members already have it covered.
this goes for other boards as well as MFP lololol
Agreed, and I do that as well. Just get frustrated when those who do respond nicer than I would are labelled as "mean" and all I can think about is what my reply would have been labelled.
my fiance is in canada, and we are in the immigration process for him to move down. those boards are full of the BIGGEST dumbasses ive ever seen!
ps: dont ever let anyone tell you moving to the US is cheap, easy, or fast LOLOLOL2 -
Tacklewasher wrote: »callsitlikeiseeit wrote: »Tacklewasher wrote: »Running_and_Coffee wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »Running_and_Coffee wrote: »I think it's important to consider how effective a cold bucket of reality is really going to be when the dynamic isn't you and your BFF, but a bunch of strangers, many of whom might be feeling sensitive or vulnerable. I'm sure everyone IS intending to be helpful and honest, but what I typically see is:
OP: I want to do <insert popular diet/unrealistic weight loss goal/scam/green tea supplements>
MFP: That won't work. You're overcomplicating this. Eat less. (Sometimes accompanied by flow chart.)
That cold bucket feels...cold. It also could feel discouraging. The OP could interpret it as, "They think I'm stupid."
I mean these are people who are going out on a limb, talking to strangers. They might be frustrated with their bodies, which is no fun And now they feel ostracized for their brains as well, or at least their judgment.
I'm not saying that we should LIE, but there's probably something in between being blunt and maybe a wee bit judgmental and patting them on the head condescendingly.
How would you answer that post, just out of interest? Or would you just scroll on past?
If I thought I could answer in a way that would be helpful and would actually be well-received, I'd answer. If not, I'd scroll. If I have to think too hard to answer "nicely," scrolling works.
How does that help the next new person who comes along and is curious and might be swayed by the OP?
theres a lot of posts I don't respond to because my immediate response is ' you're a dumbass' and other members already have it covered.
this goes for other boards as well as MFP lololol
Agreed, and I do that as well. Just get frustrated when those who do respond nicer than I would are labelled as "mean" and all I can think about is what my reply would have been labelled.
Kittens. Lots of kittens.2 -
debrakgoogins wrote: »Running_and_Coffee wrote: »OK, so they are "lazy" because they didn't Google first? And that means it's OK to be...grumpy to them?
Alternative theory: a human being who you don't know just a scale wake up call and is flustered, upset and is reaching out for some kind of human connection. On a website called My Fitness PAL.
I think the poster meant searching the forums for the topic they have a question about. Almost every question can be answered with just a bit of research in the forums.
That was pretty much my point, too. That way, the new posters question can start out with specific detailed questions. Or they can just say, hey I'm looking into ways to lose weight and would like to connect with others using 'X' method.0 -
I've been posting regularly for around four and a half years. In all of that time, I can think of maybe a handful of clearly mean/spiteful posts and in every one of those situations, at least one (usually more) regular piped in with a "hey, what's the deal here?" kind of comment. Until somebody actually steps up and actually points out truly mean posts, I will continue to roll my eyes at threads like these.9
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Running_and_Coffee wrote: »OK, so they are "lazy" because they didn't Google first? And that means it's OK to be...grumpy to them?
Alternative theory: a human being who you don't know just a scale wake up call and is flustered, upset and is reaching out for some kind of human connection. On a website called My Fitness PAL.
They can get their connection by responding to a thread that already exists that probably has the answer they are looking for. I never said grumpy, I said concise. I wouldn't blame someone for being grumpy after typing the same reply a million times though.
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Running_and_Coffee wrote: »Running_and_Coffee wrote: »I think it's important to consider how effective a cold bucket of reality is really going to be when the dynamic isn't you and your BFF, but a bunch of strangers, many of whom might be feeling sensitive or vulnerable. I'm sure everyone IS intending to be helpful and honest, but what I typically see is:
OP: I want to do <insert popular diet/unrealistic weight loss goal/scam/green tea supplements>
MFP: That won't work. You're overcomplicating this. Eat less. (Sometimes accompanied by flow chart.)
That cold bucket feels...cold. It also could feel discouraging. The OP could interpret it as, "They think I'm stupid."
I mean these are people who are going out on a limb, talking to strangers. They might be frustrated with their bodies, which is no fun And now they feel ostracized for their brains as well, or at least their judgment.
I'm not saying that we should LIE, but there's probably something in between being blunt and maybe a wee bit judgmental and patting them on the head condescendingly.
This forum does nothing to push back against the laziness of people who can't be bothered to look for 10 minutes for an answer to their question before starting another new thread. Sometimes that answer is still on the first page. The natural result of this is that people who are trying to be helpful who have typed the same response a few thousand times keep getting more and more concise and it comes across as blunt.
OK, so they are "lazy" because they didn't Google first? And that means it's OK to be...grumpy to them?
Alternative theory: a human being who you don't know just a scale wake up call and is flustered, upset and is reaching out for some kind of human connection. On a website called My Fitness PAL.
I'd ague that the bigger problem is not people being mean, but looking for human connection online.
So much this. It's not possible for random strangers on the internet to upset me because they are random strangers on the internet. I'm not invested in them in any way, shape or form and they don't know the first thing about me. Why would I waste time worrying about what they think of me??4 -
I will agree to a problem i just found, So many people saying use the search function and find old threads on the same topic, And then everyone posts zombie gifs when the old thread gets bumped XD4
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Oh I can't take another heartache
Though you say you're my friend, I'm at my wit's end
You say your love is bonafide, but that don't coincide
With the things that you do
And when I ask you to be nice, you say
You've gotta be cruel to be kind, in the right measure
Cruel to be kind, it's a very good sign
Cruel to be kind, means that I love you baby
You gotta be cruel to be kind5 -
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JaydedMiss wrote: »I will agree to a problem i just found, So many people saying use the search function and find old threads on the same topic, And then everyone posts zombie gifs when the old thread gets bumped XD
All the more reason to lurk a bit!2 -
janejellyroll wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »'Pure hatred'? Really? Care to link to some 'hatred'?
Yes there's straight talking and a lack of sugar coating (who's got the spare cals for that?!) But I have never seen hatred, and I've been here a loooooooong time.
Pure hatred is starting this thread on a Thursday and making me think for a minute that it's actually Friday.
SO MUCH THIS.
I literally checked my calendar when I saw the OP.
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WinoGelato wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »'Pure hatred'? Really? Care to link to some 'hatred'?
Yes there's straight talking and a lack of sugar coating (who's got the spare cals for that?!) But I have never seen hatred, and I've been here a loooooooong time.
Pure hatred is starting this thread on a Thursday and making me think for a minute that it's actually Friday.
SO MUCH THIS.
I literally checked my calendar when I saw the OP.
I've always felt like Thursday is the day for threads like these.
It's Thursday, Thursday, gotta get mean on Thursday!
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JaydedMiss wrote: »I will agree to a problem i just found, So many people saying use the search function and find old threads on the same topic, And then everyone posts zombie gifs when the old thread gets bumped XD
You don't have to POST in the threads.
When I first started on this site people didn't have phone apps. So the threads were not as frequent and the search function actually had some ...function. I agree it doesn't work very well now.
Plus the phones have created this me-me-me-me- answer meeeeeeeee phenomenon. I noticed a huge difference in the number of repetitive threads when everyone started posting from phones.
Meh, not sure what the solution is to this particular problem.
I know it's not more mean people threads, though. That's a sure-fire way to get NO answers at all.
Wait. We're on page four...4 -
MFP has a somewhat different culture, not what you're used to in some other weight management sites. It can be shocking at first, and I can understand how that feels. I remember when I first joined and started using the forums I was a little taken aback. Being the curious person I am, I decided to stay and see what that's all about and I'm glad I did.
If you hang around, you'll get used to the bluntness. After that initial culture shock, you'll come to appreciate it. There is nothing more liberating than learning how all that minutia people sometimes impose on themselves and struggle to uphold is not necessary. How I could be wrong sometimes, and the alternative makes weight loss much easier. We're here to work on our goals, and every tidbit provided by someone who's been there done that and achieved the results is a potential goldmine, regardless of how bluntly it's expressed.10 -
:huh:
What in the world is going on here? I wasn't aware that 'not blindly agreeing with every hare-brained scheme' = 'mean'
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Posted this in another thread today. I guess it's another example of being mean....
Support comes in a lot of forms. Some people are looking only for blind encouragement of things they've already made up their minds to try. Any sort of questioning about the logic behind how the person came to that decision, where they got their info from, is perceived as being an attack - (removed for irrelevance to this topic)
Others however, view support in the form of "helping me avoid making mistakes that others have already learned from" as being extremely valuable. There is a VAST amount of nonsense, pseudoscience and woo that is prevalent and widely propagated these days due to the ease of access to information that the average person has at their fingertips. There are countless members here who have done extensive research, value peer reviewed science and well vetted sources as helping to dispel this woo and focus people on actual hard science and repeatable results from well designed studies. Whether you see this or not - this IS helpful, for so many people - who are deluded and confused by the mass appeal of blog postings and social media. Simply flouting a degree or a well known medical clinic as an affiliation for where an article was hosted- does not mean that this information is reliable and solid.
Often people come to this site who have spent years struggling with health and weight loss issues. The charlatans that prey on these people with just enough sciencey sounding words to make them think that some of these conditions are legit, that the secret to addressing them and finally finding relief or success lies within the miracle cure that the snake oil salesman is peddling - this is what the people you are labeling as "experts" are trying to dispel. You may not respond well to it - but there are countless people who are tremendously grateful to realize that they have been duped, that they've been continuing to try to follow a method that will not actually provide them the relief and success they desire - and to be put on the correct path toward long term health and wellness.
Added.... And whether it is worded to your liking or not, there are plenty of people who DO appreciate the blunt, direct, tough love approach. I for one am grateful for the mean people who have stuck around these boards for so many years, patiently (and impatiently) trying to help people see through the BS and focus on what really matters.
Is it really so terrible to ask people to do some basic reading for themselves? I like when someone points out a search feature to me that I hadn't seen before. I wouldn't consider that mean, to have it pointed out that there are dozens of the same type of thread posted daily. I would happily take the new information and go out and read what's already been covered.
Lastly... is critical thinking such an awful trait that challenging someone's beliefs and asking them where they came up with their ideas or why they think that solution XYZ is magical really is going to have the benefits it is proclaimed to? I guess the Socratic Method is not "nice" enough, even if it helps people draw logical conclusions for themselves?16 -
diannethegeek wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »'Pure hatred'? Really? Care to link to some 'hatred'?
Yes there's straight talking and a lack of sugar coating (who's got the spare cals for that?!) But I have never seen hatred, and I've been here a loooooooong time.
Pure hatred is starting this thread on a Thursday and making me think for a minute that it's actually Friday.
No, but it IS rage-quit Thursday.
I don't believe in rage-quitting. Once I have worn out my welcome I stay for maybe 4 or 5 more years and then I just disappear.
How do you feel about flouncing? I think that's much classier than rage-quitting.
I flounced from these boards once. It didn't stick.
It's like a drug, right?1 -
I’m gonna be the one person on this thread that actually agrees with you for the most part. I don’t think there’s any “hatred” but a lot of people can be rude and make this place kind of intimidating for people who are new. I’m sure nobody is trying to be rude and I’m sure it’s just tough love but when I look through the threads, it seems like a lot of the newer people are sometimes treated like they’re stupid if they ask a question that might be obvious for people who have been here a while No, I can’t think of any specific examples but it’s something I’ve thought about while going through threads. Now everyone’s going to get defensive but I’m just saying what I’ve noticed :-)
Meh. People are helping others for free. Besides trying to always phrase things so that no one gets upset on a message board is a fool's errand.11 -
I have been a part of several forums, or online communities including facebook groups etc. and they all have a different "vibe." Some are more into sugar coating and always being politically correct and nice, and some are more blunt like this one. I do agree that sometimes people can be a little "harsh" in here but I really like the overall culture and how people are generally anti diet-industry woo/fake-science bullcrap. If you come here you will pretty much just get straightforward, science-backed answers. I think that people who are offended need to get thicker skin, it is just an internet forum after all.8
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I have been reading and posting here for about 4 years now. Before that I have had experience participating with another weight loss forum where the atmosphere was all cheerleaders, parenting message boards, homeschool message boards where some were hard core religious and some were atheists.
I feel my experience here has been pretty positive. The community is very active and responsive. People give helpful information over and over. Reading the stickied posts, the first page of posts or using the search feature would answer most people's questions. People continually give information and support for healthy weight loss here.
I'd say post more yourself in the way you think is appropriate rather than calling people mean and hateful and if you see someone is actually attacking or being truly hateful report the post. There are forum guidelines and moderators after all.9 -
amusedmonkey wrote: »MFP has a somewhat different culture, not what you're used to in some other weight management sites. It can be shocking at first, and I can understand how that feels. I remember when I first joined and started using the forums I was a little taken aback. Being the curious person I am, I decided to stay and see what that's all about and I'm glad I did.
If you hang around, you'll get used to the bluntness. After that initial culture shock, you'll come to appreciate it. There is nothing more liberating than learning how all that minutia people sometimes impose on themselves and struggle to uphold is not necessary. How I could be wrong sometimes, and the alternative makes weight loss much easier. We're here to work on our goals, and every tidbit provided by someone who's been there done that and achieved the results is a potential goldmine, regardless of how bluntly it's expressed.
It's interesting to me because I came to this site specifically because of the forums. I was tracking on two other sites before this but when my weight loss stalled I got one half-hearted response from a forum post over there and no answers. I found MFP because of the active forums and the no-nonsense advice here. It felt to me like the only place online actually bothering to listen to anyone.
Just goes to show how different we all are.11 -
I’m gonna be the one person on this thread that actually agrees with you for the most part. I don’t think there’s any “hatred” but a lot of people can be rude and make this place kind of intimidating for people who are new. I’m sure nobody is trying to be rude and I’m sure it’s just tough love but when I look through the threads, it seems like a lot of the newer people are sometimes treated like they’re stupid if they ask a question that might be obvious for people who have been here a while No, I can’t think of any specific examples but it’s something I’ve thought about while going through threads. Now everyone’s going to get defensive but I’m just saying what I’ve noticed :-)
I can see this to some extent. Occasionally someone will ask a question and be met with something like, "No. Does that even make sense to you?" But those are EXCEPTIONALLY few and far between.4 -
I've learned a lot here over the years. Some of it I wish I hadn't (there are some things one should never google search), but for the most part it has been a very positive experience.
I'm thankful for the people who clarified so much of the misinformation that is out there. Thanks to those people, I don't have the guilt and shame cycle around food that I used to have.
I used to be a bit of a sensitive snowflake. That was knocked out of me long before I got here. I don't find MFP to be any more harsh than any other place I've been. Reading the YouTube comments section on anything that's even slightly controversial will show you how tame this place is.9 -
I new - I think this is my 3rd week or so. There is a difference between being blunt and being honest. You can be honest in a nicer tone, because being blunt causes hurt feelings and leaves the other person feeling belittled. Just because you think you are right about something, you may not be; and even if you are and feel like parading your knowledge around being blunt, that other person may know something you don't, that would be helpful to you. They may not say it because they feel nervous about posting. I belong to a number of special interest forums, and I see it over and over again. At least no one wants to make political posts here and that is such a relief. Overall, my experience has been positive and supportive, give or take one or two.
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