Single and Resentful
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fastfoodietofitcutie wrote: »I love my family dearly but am feeling a little resentful today for having to shell out money again for a family occasion. I’m the oldest of four and unfortunately single. Over the years I have spent thousands on weddings, showers, bachelorette parties, baby showers, christening gifts, etc.. It’s not that I don’t want to celebrate their joyous occasions but I’m sad it will never be returned. In my mid 40’s, I’ll never have a baby and may never get married. It’s not that I’m keeping track of the money and want it back but it would be nice to be acknowledged that I’ve gone above and beyond over the years and have never been celebrated myself. I know that’s selfish. Just feeling sorry for myself today I guess as I’m on my way to celebrate another event that I’ll never have.
It happens... And I have felt this too. I am a single mom. And when we do gifts at Christmas, we do a white elephant gift for adults, and everyone else just buys for their own families. It's just me and my toddler. So while I will buy gifts for her, I don't have a partner to surprise me with anything.
Do I need presents? No, of course not! But would it be nice to have someone think of me? A partner who would do holiday shopping for me? Well, yeah... that would be nice....
My siblings have really great marriages. They have their hard and frustrating times, but they are strong. And yes. I am a little jealous. So I get it. Even though I have the kid, I don't have the marriage. I don't have the partner.
And every once in a while, the words "old maid" blare through my head. I hate that I even think it. But I feel like it's an old stigma that still lives....0 -
caco_ethes wrote: »I have never thought about this aspect.
Coupla things:
Don’t buy your nieces and nephews birthday or Xmas gifts (if you do this already), your siblings will thank you. Trust me
Second, i can’t tell if this is about the money or if it’s just a reminder that you’re single and feel lonely but I just want to say that ‘having someone’ can be desperately lonely too. Marriage is not all it’s cracked up to be. Kids are generally jerks and any parent who says differently probably never actually spends time with their kids 😅. I’m currently engaged in a Mexican standoff with my husband over the dirty dishes and even though it’s been a few days, he still doesn’t even know that I’ve waged battle. I can’t remember the last time we had an engaging conversation. My son is a budding bully and I have to work with him constantly on empathy. My daughter is a martyr and an eternal victim and she’s only 7. Her favorite activity is throwing a tantrum. I spend most days irritable and resentful that I had kids ‘because that’s just what you do’. I know some day they’ll outgrow this but my daily mother’s guilt level is somewhere between self-loathing and a low-grade level of black despair.
Now. Several people might quote this and say “I love my marriage and kids” and that’s great. I’m glad. But the silent majority get it, although most of them are wise enough not to put it out so flatly like this. 😬
So I guess I’m saying.. the grass is always greener. You envy us. We envy you. But I can tell you that no amount of gifts I received for babies or showers or my wedding even come close to making up for what are decidedly my biggest regrets and the loss of my freedom.
Disclaimer: I love my kids. I do not regret their existence. But I truly hate being a parent and it’s something I need to work out so they never feel as though I resent them. *Edit* This is getting better as they get older, so there’s hope
Most important thing though: I have no intention of invalidating your feelings. I don’t mean to imply that you shouldn’t feel upset because others have it worse. I’m just trying to share the real life aspects of what you feel you’re missing out on.
This is my longest post ever.
Exactly this!!! Best post ever!
Maybe when they become parents themselves, they get better, but teenagers suck just as much...
Also, I think I had more money dishing out thousands a month in diapers and daycare than I do now with them.1 -
.[/quote]
It happens... And I have felt this too. I am a single mom. And when we do gifts at Christmas, we do a white elephant gift for adults, and everyone else just buys for their own families. It's just me and my toddler. So while I will buy gifts for her, I don't have a partner to surprise me with anything.
Do I need presents? No, of course not! But would it be nice to have someone think of me? A partner who would do holiday shopping for me? Well, yeah... that would be nice....
My siblings have really great marriages. They have their hard and frustrating times, but they are strong. And yes. I am a little jealous. So I get it. Even though I have the kid, I don't have the marriage. I don't have the partner.
And every once in a while, the words "old maid" blare through my head. I hate that I even think it. But I feel like it's an old stigma that still lives.... [/quote]
Thank you for sympathizing. The holidays are the hardest.0 -
mustacheU2Lift wrote: »
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#winning2
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fastfoodietofitcutie wrote: »I love my family dearly but am feeling a little resentful today for having to shell out money again for a family occasion. I’m the oldest of four and unfortunately single. Over the years I have spent thousands on weddings, showers, bachelorette parties, baby showers, christening gifts, etc.. It’s not that I don’t want to celebrate their joyous occasions but I’m sad it will never be returned. In my mid 40’s, I’ll never have a baby and may never get married. It’s not that I’m keeping track of the money and want it back but it would be nice to be acknowledged that I’ve gone above and beyond over the years and have never been celebrated myself. I know that’s selfish. Just feeling sorry for myself today I guess as I’m on my way to celebrate another event that I’ll never have.
Never say never. There is not a cut off age for being in a relationship or any of this.
Are you feeling like you are missing out on some dream that you had or just not getting as much attention?
The reality is that there are positives and negatives to being single, married, having kids.
Marriages might be happy or unhappy. They involve compromise and work.
Parenting is not always cute kids on the honor roll. It is often cleaning vomit off the carpet, your kid breaking things, missing out on events because your kid is sick or you can't afford to take the whole family, your child struggling in school, your kid getting bullied or being the bully, not getting enough sleep, finding lost shoes, having family buy your kid noisy toys, or complain about your parenting, having a teenager snarl at you and think you are embarrasing/dumb, spending a lot of money on school, food, health care, clothes that are outgrown fast, activities, fundraising sales. More laundry, more dishes, more cleaning. Bigger house. Kids want pets. Having to recpricate invitations and gifts to other children's birthdays. Every day.
As a single person you get to choose a lot of what you do, when you do it and walk away from things you have had enough of. You get the fun times with your family.
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This thread should be required reading for those considering marriage. Screw the church classes about marriage, or the therapists/counselors.
I won't get into the issues from a male perspective other than to say that what you women may be feeling, talk with your husband about them because it may not be what you're thinking. Guys, listen to wife/SO. Don't offer how you're going to fix it. Listen first, think about it and openly discuss the issues about how BOTH of you will work together and make it work. Lack of communication is the single most reason for marriages failing.
Finally, for those of you who are unhappy in your marriage: Leave. Don't stick around "for the kids". Don't be afraid that you'll be on your own. If you're going to stay in a sucky marriage, you aren't doing your kids any favours. You're showing them what a bad relationship is, and it may become their life because that is how they perceive things. Family will be there for you. Friends will as well.
You're probably thinking "Easier said than done". You're right, it is. But, it's better to go through the struggles and hardships, than it is to continually live a lie or be miserable. As others have said in this thread, it's better to be single and be happy than it is to be miserable and alone while "with" someone. Love is out there, you'll find it again.17 -
I understand how you feel, being the eldest of four and still single at the age of 35. I guess a tip I could give you is to set limits, even to the extent of being stingy for a bit, like setting a budget, telling those families and/or friends that you couldn't afford to throw an extravagant party for them at the moment coz you're saving up for a trip to "find yourself" or something like that
. No one would ever dare argue with that. I've been through the same thing for years and it's only this year that I stayed away from married/committed/parent friends and it's only now that I was able to save money for myself. I can't tell how many times people assumed I was rich coz I'm single so they invite me to be their children's godmother even though we're not close, and I turn down every single one, respectfully. If they took offense then it's not my problem.
"You can't give from an empty cup." Fill yours first. Go on trips even when you're alone, treat yourself to a really nice vacation, or better yet, as the others said, throw yourself a birthday party even if you have to spend on yourself, coz hey, where's the waste in that? it's for yourself anyway
IMO no one will ever be truly appreciated by many not until they're dead (sorry for the morbid thought) so we have to celebrate ourselves and not wait on anyone to do that for us.
BTW, I have a niece, such an angel, and it makes up for being childless and single.
i know when I grow older i will have those feelings more frequently of being sad and resentful and alone too, but just know that you are not alone 2 -
Same, I’m just annoyed that my mom offers my time and phone number to nearly every person she encounters
I get it she doesn’t want me to be alone
But no I will not date joe from the corner store
She doesn’t understand im single by choice smh2 -
xFunctionalStrengthx wrote: »This thread should be required reading for those considering marriage. Screw the church classes about marriage, or the therapists/counselors.
I won't get into the issues from a male perspective other than to say that what you women may be feeling, talk with your husband about them because it may not be what you're thinking. Guys, listen to wife/SO. Don't offer how you're going to fix it. Listen first, think about it and openly discuss the issues about how BOTH of you will work together and make it work. Lack of communication is the single most reason for marriages failing.
Finally, for those of you who are unhappy in your marriage: Leave. Don't stick around "for the kids". Don't be afraid that you'll be on your own. If you're going to stay in a sucky marriage, you aren't doing your kids any favours. You're showing them what a bad relationship is, and it may become their life because that is how they perceive things. Family will be there for you. Friends will as well.
You're probably thinking "Easier said than done". You're right, it is. But, it's better to go through the struggles and hardships, than it is to continually live a lie or be miserable. As others have said in this thread, it's better to be single and be happy than it is to be miserable and alone while "with" someone. Love is out there, you'll find it again.
I don't know if I agree with the bold. If you are physically safe in the marriage, maybe it might be worth it to stay.
The truth of the matter is that you see a single person complaining about their life. Because life is hard sometimes. Now add another person, who is also having some hard times sometimes. There will be ups and downs. And when that person is down, it's not pleasant. And when you're down, it's not pleasant.
Are you going to be happy in your marriage when your spouse gets depressed? Or sick? Or their parent dies?
Are men going to be happy in their marriage when their wife balloons up with pregnancy and falls in love with someone else (the baby), and spends all her time caring for the child instead of being all interested in you? And her looks and hygiene have turned her into someone you don't recognize?
Yes, you might find love again. But what is the rate of divorce for second married couples? Because, not only do you have the same situation of two people having their ups and downs together, but now you introduce a new male to your children. Will he love them like their biological father? Maybe. But what is the probability? And if you couldn't get along with your spouse when you were together, do you think you suddenly will be at peace now that other romantic partners and parenting styles and financial issues and scheduling conflicts are introduced?
Someone said, they were in a difficult marriage. The retort was, that's redundant. Marriage is inherently difficult.
For someone who is struggling in their marriage, may I suggest trying to be happy in your life? Eat well, do fun things, give those kids lots of hugs and kisses, get away from the house and spend some alone time, do some self care. Fix you instead of your spouse. If your spouse is insufferable, distance yourself - immerse yourself in a hobby. Become more spiritual, get in tune with the joy that only God can give you.
Dance.
Happiness is all about focusing on the 90% of your life that's going right.
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I'm loving this frank discussion! My 2 cents-
A heads up to new parents- It doesn't get better. Teenagers are legitimately insane and ridiculously expensive! Years of discipline, advice and wisdom is thrown out the window and thrown in your face. If you're lucky, they listen to about half of what you say. My daughter recently moved out. My first reaction was sadness because I knew I would miss her. THEN I got excited thinking about all the fun things I could do without mini-me crampin my style. I could walk the house naked... I could get busy with my husband on the kitchen counter (good luck with that one after 15 years- am I right?!) I daydreamed of the money I would save and the time I would have to myself.... Um no. She has been more needy since she moved out!! Now her problems are big adult problems and mommy still has to pick up the pieces. Sigh.
I feel blessed to have a good relationship with my husband and daughter. We actually like each other most days. But it is VERY hard work and it took us many years of compromise & understanding to get to this point. There are good years and bad years. Having started a family young, I often wonder how different I would be if I had more time over the years to work on myself. Nurturing a household can take its toll and takes significant time away from nurturing yourself. Everything is a trade off.
OP- I think the key is finding contentment within, no matter what the outside circumstances look like. Concerning your siblings and any pity you think they have for you, the antidote may be continuing to develop yourself in all the ways they wish they could. (I'm not sayin make em jealous... but make em jealous! Lol) Its hard to feel sorry for someone who just took a fabulous vacation, checks out all the newest spots in town and learns new skills & talents "just because." Concerning gifts- consider giving experiences instead of material items? You could become the "cool aunt." Take the little ones out for special treats and develop a deeper relationship with them. (Babysitting is always a priceless gift to the parents!) You have an opportunity to experience all the fun kid stuff minus the crappy parenting stuff. There is something to be said about spoiling them and sending them home! My "cool aunt" is one of my favorite people. She was the one I could talk to about things my parents couldn't understand. What we perceive to be a cloud can truly have a silver lining if we just change our outlook.4 -
this thread is great - it has just reconfirmed all of the reasons i never wanted kids.8
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I think there's a bigger picture here. Maybe not for everyone, but for some... and I don't want that get glossed over.
Either you're a happy person or you aren't. Content might be a better word than happy... but either way, it comes from something internal, and is a characteristic similar to eye color. It's not something that is a result of certain conditions/circumstances.
That is to say... if you're a happy/content person, you're likely to be that way regardless of family/marital status, income, or whatever else. If you're not happy/content, then you won't likely find happiness/contentment in any of those things either. It may sound corny or cliche, but it's worth taking the time and the energy to work on you. And you probably can't do it a lone. For me, it took a lot of counseling, and I'm still not there. I'm better than I was, but it's a constant process. I can't be the gardener in every relationship I have. Sometimes I have to be plant.
Same goes for you.12 -
I can empathize with people that dreamt of being a spouse and/or parent and that dream never coming to fruition. Saying "the grass is brown and dead on the other side" might (no matter how accurate) slightly soothe, but it doesn't really help the lost dream aspect. It's like any other dream that any of us has that doesn't materialize after years of work and time investment.7
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IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »fastfoodietofitcutie wrote: »I love my family dearly but am feeling a little resentful today for having to shell out money again for a family occasion. I’m the oldest of four and unfortunately single. Over the years I have spent thousands on weddings, showers, bachelorette parties, baby showers, christening gifts, etc.. It’s not that I don’t want to celebrate their joyous occasions but I’m sad it will never be returned. In my mid 40’s, I’ll never have a baby and may never get married. It’s not that I’m keeping track of the money and want it back but it would be nice to be acknowledged that I’ve gone above and beyond over the years and have never been celebrated myself. I know that’s selfish. Just feeling sorry for myself today I guess as I’m on my way to celebrate another event that I’ll never have.
Throw yourself a lavish birthday party. Ball gown, banquet hall, fancy invites. They will celebrate you and gift you things as well.
My Aunt actually did just this for her 40th birthday. She had been bummed that she probably would never marry, so she through a huge party for herself. Rented a hall, got a band, had it catered, got a super nice dress, and we all celebrated along with her.2 -
IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »xFunctionalStrengthx wrote: »This thread should be required reading for those considering marriage. Screw the church classes about marriage, or the therapists/counselors.
I won't get into the issues from a male perspective other than to say that what you women may be feeling, talk with your husband about them because it may not be what you're thinking. Guys, listen to wife/SO. Don't offer how you're going to fix it. Listen first, think about it and openly discuss the issues about how BOTH of you will work together and make it work. Lack of communication is the single most reason for marriages failing.
Finally, for those of you who are unhappy in your marriage: Leave. Don't stick around "for the kids". Don't be afraid that you'll be on your own. If you're going to stay in a sucky marriage, you aren't doing your kids any favours. You're showing them what a bad relationship is, and it may become their life because that is how they perceive things. Family will be there for you. Friends will as well.
You're probably thinking "Easier said than done". You're right, it is. But, it's better to go through the struggles and hardships, than it is to continually live a lie or be miserable. As others have said in this thread, it's better to be single and be happy than it is to be miserable and alone while "with" someone. Love is out there, you'll find it again.
I don't know if I agree with the bold. If you are physically safe in the marriage, maybe it might be worth it to stay.
The truth of the matter is that you see a single person complaining about their life. Because life is hard sometimes. Now add another person, who is also having some hard times sometimes. There will be ups and downs. And when that person is down, it's not pleasant. And when you're down, it's not pleasant.
Are you going to be happy in your marriage when your spouse gets depressed? Or sick? Or their parent dies?
Are men going to be happy in their marriage when their wife balloons up with pregnancy and falls in love with someone else (the baby), and spends all her time caring for the child instead of being all interested in you? And her looks and hygiene have turned her into someone you don't recognize?
Yes, you might find love again. But what is the rate of divorce for second married couples? Because, not only do you have the same situation of two people having their ups and downs together, but now you introduce a new male to your children. Will he love them like their biological father? Maybe. But what is the probability? And if you couldn't get along with your spouse when you were together, do you think you suddenly will be at peace now that other romantic partners and parenting styles and financial issues and scheduling conflicts are introduced?
Someone said, they were in a difficult marriage. The retort was, that's redundant. Marriage is inherently difficult.
For someone who is struggling in their marriage, may I suggest trying to be happy in your life? Eat well, do fun things, give those kids lots of hugs and kisses, get away from the house and spend some alone time, do some self care. Fix you instead of your spouse. If your spouse is insufferable, distance yourself - immerse yourself in a hobby. Become more spiritual, get in tune with the joy that only God can give you.
Dance.
Happiness is all about focusing on the 90% of your life that's going right.
So, you would rather live a lie and present that lie to others? Yes, marriage is challenging. Yes, it's something that always needs work, caring and tending with both partners. I'm not talking if you wake up and are suddeny unhappy. I'm talking about if it's been a while that you're unhappy, you've attempted to work on yourself and the marriage with your partner with no resolution.
As someone who was in a 20yr marriage, only to find out that she was unhappy for most of it, why stick around? Why continue to tell someone that you love them when you don't? When you actually despise, resent and hate them for so long. BTW, those were her words to me for the six months we were separated.
As to the "second marriage" you speak of. Nope. No plans to marry again. The commitent is between the people in the relaionship. Not by blessing of Gov't, nor whatever religion and diety one wishes to believe in. Nor should they have a say in how the relationship will end, only to screw over on person or the other. The courts should be the only ones to get involved, and that's only if there is a disagreement on how things are divided.
You might think I'm jaded, scorned, or hateful towards my ex. Nope, not at all I'm perfectly happy with who I am and I have no ill will towards her and hope she's happy with her new husband. But, I have learned a lot about behaviour from dealing with her, and the few relationships since her. While I don't hold those things against anyone I may get involed with, it does mean I'm more cautious.
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IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »xFunctionalStrengthx wrote: »This thread should be required reading for those considering marriage. Screw the church classes about marriage, or the therapists/counselors.
I won't get into the issues from a male perspective other than to say that what you women may be feeling, talk with your husband about them because it may not be what you're thinking. Guys, listen to wife/SO. Don't offer how you're going to fix it. Listen first, think about it and openly discuss the issues about how BOTH of you will work together and make it work. Lack of communication is the single most reason for marriages failing.
Finally, for those of you who are unhappy in your marriage: Leave. Don't stick around "for the kids". Don't be afraid that you'll be on your own. If you're going to stay in a sucky marriage, you aren't doing your kids any favours. You're showing them what a bad relationship is, and it may become their life because that is how they perceive things. Family will be there for you. Friends will as well.
You're probably thinking "Easier said than done". You're right, it is. But, it's better to go through the struggles and hardships, than it is to continually live a lie or be miserable. As others have said in this thread, it's better to be single and be happy than it is to be miserable and alone while "with" someone. Love is out there, you'll find it again.
I don't know if I agree with the bold. If you are physically safe in the marriage, maybe it might be worth it to stay.
The truth of the matter is that you see a single person complaining about their life. Because life is hard sometimes. Now add another person, who is also having some hard times sometimes. There will be ups and downs. And when that person is down, it's not pleasant. And when you're down, it's not pleasant.
Are you going to be happy in your marriage when your spouse gets depressed? Or sick? Or their parent dies?
Are men going to be happy in their marriage when their wife balloons up with pregnancy and falls in love with someone else (the baby), and spends all her time caring for the child instead of being all interested in you? And her looks and hygiene have turned her into someone you don't recognize?
Yes, you might find love again. But what is the rate of divorce for second married couples? Because, not only do you have the same situation of two people having their ups and downs together, but now you introduce a new male to your children. Will he love them like their biological father? Maybe. But what is the probability? And if you couldn't get along with your spouse when you were together, do you think you suddenly will be at peace now that other romantic partners and parenting styles and financial issues and scheduling conflicts are introduced?
Someone said, they were in a difficult marriage. The retort was, that's redundant. Marriage is inherently difficult.
For someone who is struggling in their marriage, may I suggest trying to be happy in your life? Eat well, do fun things, give those kids lots of hugs and kisses, get away from the house and spend some alone time, do some self care. Fix you instead of your spouse. If your spouse is insufferable, distance yourself - immerse yourself in a hobby. Become more spiritual, get in tune with the joy that only God can give you.
Dance.
Happiness is all about focusing on the 90% of your life that's going right.
YASSSS. I totally agree. Life is hard, and it's often easier to blame it on your partner when you're married. I think what is beautiful about marriage, or mine anyway, is that I know that even if it's not all rainbow and butterflies, fresh and exciting, romantic and special all the time, I love the person my husband is and I will always support him. And even though he doesn't show interest in everything I do, I know he feels the same way I do.
I think the biggest issue is that people's expectations of what life is supposed to be are too high. Single or married. Just need to find a way to be happy in the present and grateful for what is in front of you, instead of always seeking the next big thing. Because now is all we have...2 -
I usually don't read a thread in it's entirety especially with super long posts like these, but this is great stuff right here. Very insightful on different levels, almost in a feel good kind of way. 4
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Same, I’m just annoyed that my mom offers my time and phone number to nearly every person she encounters
I get it she doesn’t want me to be alone
But no I will not date joe from the corner store
She doesn’t understand im single by choice smh
and you need to tell her she is going to end up getting you a stalker or some worse crap. You need to change your number and not give it to your mom!
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I think there's a bigger picture here. Maybe not for everyone, but for some... and I don't want that get glossed over.
Either you're a happy person or you aren't. Content might be a better word than happy... but either way, it comes from something internal, and is a characteristic similar to eye color. It's not something that is a result of certain conditions/circumstances.
That is to say... if you're a happy/content person, you're likely to be that way regardless of family/marital status, income, or whatever else. If you're not happy/content, then you won't likely find happiness/contentment in any of those things either. It may sound corny or cliche, but it's worth taking the time and the energy to work on you. And you probably can't do it a lone. For me, it took a lot of counseling, and I'm still not there. I'm better than I was, but it's a constant process. I can't be the gardener in every relationship I have. Sometimes I have to be plant.
Same goes for you.
This is pretty much my point. If you focus on getting yourself happy, you put less pressure on the marriage. And if you're happy, you are going to interact with people differently and your interactions are going to naturally be more pleasant.
I recommend a book to you: How to be happy no matter what: things your therapist never told you.
One of the things they talk about in the book is to not evaluate your life during bad moods. Because when you are happy, you can look at your relationships or a situation in your past and have grace and perspective about it. But when you are in a bad mood, you will tend to focus on the bad in that situation.
Learning about moods have literally changed my life. Now, I can recognize that my kid isn't being annoying - I am simply irritable, and it is a passing thing. I can say, I'm not discussing that right now. I'm tired and cranky. Wait until I've had coffee and get myself ready and then we can talk about it. Now I can extend that grace to others. Maybe he isn 't being a you-know-what. Maybe his back is hurting and he is irritable and needs some time to decompress before I get in his face with a task list. Maybe that kid needs a few more minutes of sleep before asking them to do something.
The book essentially gives you a toolbox to give yourself and others grace.
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xFunctionalStrengthx wrote: »IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »xFunctionalStrengthx wrote: »This thread should be required reading for those considering marriage. Screw the church classes about marriage, or the therapists/counselors.
I won't get into the issues from a male perspective other than to say that what you women may be feeling, talk with your husband about them because it may not be what you're thinking. Guys, listen to wife/SO. Don't offer how you're going to fix it. Listen first, think about it and openly discuss the issues about how BOTH of you will work together and make it work. Lack of communication is the single most reason for marriages failing.
Finally, for those of you who are unhappy in your marriage: Leave. Don't stick around "for the kids". Don't be afraid that you'll be on your own. If you're going to stay in a sucky marriage, you aren't doing your kids any favours. You're showing them what a bad relationship is, and it may become their life because that is how they perceive things. Family will be there for you. Friends will as well.
You're probably thinking "Easier said than done". You're right, it is. But, it's better to go through the struggles and hardships, than it is to continually live a lie or be miserable. As others have said in this thread, it's better to be single and be happy than it is to be miserable and alone while "with" someone. Love is out there, you'll find it again.
I don't know if I agree with the bold. If you are physically safe in the marriage, maybe it might be worth it to stay.
The truth of the matter is that you see a single person complaining about their life. Because life is hard sometimes. Now add another person, who is also having some hard times sometimes. There will be ups and downs. And when that person is down, it's not pleasant. And when you're down, it's not pleasant.
Are you going to be happy in your marriage when your spouse gets depressed? Or sick? Or their parent dies?
Are men going to be happy in their marriage when their wife balloons up with pregnancy and falls in love with someone else (the baby), and spends all her time caring for the child instead of being all interested in you? And her looks and hygiene have turned her into someone you don't recognize?
Yes, you might find love again. But what is the rate of divorce for second married couples? Because, not only do you have the same situation of two people having their ups and downs together, but now you introduce a new male to your children. Will he love them like their biological father? Maybe. But what is the probability? And if you couldn't get along with your spouse when you were together, do you think you suddenly will be at peace now that other romantic partners and parenting styles and financial issues and scheduling conflicts are introduced?
Someone said, they were in a difficult marriage. The retort was, that's redundant. Marriage is inherently difficult.
For someone who is struggling in their marriage, may I suggest trying to be happy in your life? Eat well, do fun things, give those kids lots of hugs and kisses, get away from the house and spend some alone time, do some self care. Fix you instead of your spouse. If your spouse is insufferable, distance yourself - immerse yourself in a hobby. Become more spiritual, get in tune with the joy that only God can give you.
Dance.
Happiness is all about focusing on the 90% of your life that's going right.
So, you would rather live a lie and present that lie to others? Yes, marriage is challenging. Yes, it's something that always needs work, caring and tending with both partners. I'm not talking if you wake up and are suddeny unhappy. I'm talking about if it's been a while that you're unhappy, you've attempted to work on yourself and the marriage with your partner with no resolution.
As someone who was in a 20yr marriage, only to find out that she was unhappy for most of it, why stick around? Why continue to tell someone that you love them when you don't? When you actually despise, resent and hate them for so long. BTW, those were her words to me for the six months we were separated.
As to the "second marriage" you speak of. Nope. No plans to marry again. The commitent is between the people in the relaionship. Not by blessing of Gov't, nor whatever religion and diety one wishes to believe in. Nor should they have a say in how the relationship will end, only to screw over on person or the other. The courts should be the only ones to get involved, and that's only if there is a disagreement on how things are divided.
You might think I'm jaded, scorned, or hateful towards my ex. Nope, not at all I'm perfectly happy with who I am and I have no ill will towards her and hope she's happy with her new husband. But, I have learned a lot about behaviour from dealing with her, and the few relationships since her. While I don't hold those things against anyone I may get involed with, it does mean I'm more cautious.
Prep for a truth bomb. Don't read further if you're not ready for one.
She most likely told you in a thousand ways she was unhappy, and you didn't change the situation. And at some point, she reached her limit of unhappiness and disengaged and focused on her. That's when you thought everything was fine. Because she was no longer complaining. No longer fighting with you. And opened herself up emotionally for the new guy.
9 -
widow here
enjoy your life, whatever it is. if you want to buy gifts, buy the gifts for whomever you want. if you want to go to the family event, go; if you don't, don't.
but be happy for your loved ones that get to experience joys you might not. the parties are to share their happiness. be aware of your resentments. work thru them. resentments are poison
be present where ever and whenever you are. be honest but tactful about your feelings. set boundaries but don't be afraid to say yes to things that scare you.7 -
I don't think life often goes as we plan or might like.
My life ended up on a very different path. I try to find the positive in my situation and would encourage the OP to do so as well.5 -
IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »xFunctionalStrengthx wrote: »IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »xFunctionalStrengthx wrote: »This thread should be required reading for those considering marriage. Screw the church classes about marriage, or the therapists/counselors.
I won't get into the issues from a male perspective other than to say that what you women may be feeling, talk with your husband about them because it may not be what you're thinking. Guys, listen to wife/SO. Don't offer how you're going to fix it. Listen first, think about it and openly discuss the issues about how BOTH of you will work together and make it work. Lack of communication is the single most reason for marriages failing.
Finally, for those of you who are unhappy in your marriage: Leave. Don't stick around "for the kids". Don't be afraid that you'll be on your own. If you're going to stay in a sucky marriage, you aren't doing your kids any favours. You're showing them what a bad relationship is, and it may become their life because that is how they perceive things. Family will be there for you. Friends will as well.
You're probably thinking "Easier said than done". You're right, it is. But, it's better to go through the struggles and hardships, than it is to continually live a lie or be miserable. As others have said in this thread, it's better to be single and be happy than it is to be miserable and alone while "with" someone. Love is out there, you'll find it again.
I don't know if I agree with the bold. If you are physically safe in the marriage, maybe it might be worth it to stay.
The truth of the matter is that you see a single person complaining about their life. Because life is hard sometimes. Now add another person, who is also having some hard times sometimes. There will be ups and downs. And when that person is down, it's not pleasant. And when you're down, it's not pleasant.
Are you going to be happy in your marriage when your spouse gets depressed? Or sick? Or their parent dies?
Are men going to be happy in their marriage when their wife balloons up with pregnancy and falls in love with someone else (the baby), and spends all her time caring for the child instead of being all interested in you? And her looks and hygiene have turned her into someone you don't recognize?
Yes, you might find love again. But what is the rate of divorce for second married couples? Because, not only do you have the same situation of two people having their ups and downs together, but now you introduce a new male to your children. Will he love them like their biological father? Maybe. But what is the probability? And if you couldn't get along with your spouse when you were together, do you think you suddenly will be at peace now that other romantic partners and parenting styles and financial issues and scheduling conflicts are introduced?
Someone said, they were in a difficult marriage. The retort was, that's redundant. Marriage is inherently difficult.
For someone who is struggling in their marriage, may I suggest trying to be happy in your life? Eat well, do fun things, give those kids lots of hugs and kisses, get away from the house and spend some alone time, do some self care. Fix you instead of your spouse. If your spouse is insufferable, distance yourself - immerse yourself in a hobby. Become more spiritual, get in tune with the joy that only God can give you.
Dance.
Happiness is all about focusing on the 90% of your life that's going right.
So, you would rather live a lie and present that lie to others? Yes, marriage is challenging. Yes, it's something that always needs work, caring and tending with both partners. I'm not talking if you wake up and are suddeny unhappy. I'm talking about if it's been a while that you're unhappy, you've attempted to work on yourself and the marriage with your partner with no resolution.
As someone who was in a 20yr marriage, only to find out that she was unhappy for most of it, why stick around? Why continue to tell someone that you love them when you don't? When you actually despise, resent and hate them for so long. BTW, those were her words to me for the six months we were separated.
As to the "second marriage" you speak of. Nope. No plans to marry again. The commitent is between the people in the relaionship. Not by blessing of Gov't, nor whatever religion and diety one wishes to believe in. Nor should they have a say in how the relationship will end, only to screw over on person or the other. The courts should be the only ones to get involved, and that's only if there is a disagreement on how things are divided.
You might think I'm jaded, scorned, or hateful towards my ex. Nope, not at all I'm perfectly happy with who I am and I have no ill will towards her and hope she's happy with her new husband. But, I have learned a lot about behaviour from dealing with her, and the few relationships since her. While I don't hold those things against anyone I may get involed with, it does mean I'm more cautious.
Prep for a truth bomb. Don't read further if you're not ready for one.
She most likely told you in a thousand ways she was unhappy, and you didn't change the situation. And at some point, she reached her limit of unhappiness and disengaged and focused on her. That's when you thought everything was fine. Because she was no longer complaining. No longer fighting with you. And opened herself up emotionally for the new guy.
Here's a truth bomb for you: It's not always the guy's fault either. Was I perfect? Nope, even said I wasn't in my post. But, when she accuses you of things you never did, and it turns out she's the guilty party... Yeah.
But, I'm just going to leave it at that. Not worth wasting my time anymore.5 -
xFunctionalStrengthx wrote: »IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »xFunctionalStrengthx wrote: »IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »xFunctionalStrengthx wrote: »This thread should be required reading for those considering marriage. Screw the church classes about marriage, or the therapists/counselors.
I won't get into the issues from a male perspective other than to say that what you women may be feeling, talk with your husband about them because it may not be what you're thinking. Guys, listen to wife/SO. Don't offer how you're going to fix it. Listen first, think about it and openly discuss the issues about how BOTH of you will work together and make it work. Lack of communication is the single most reason for marriages failing.
Finally, for those of you who are unhappy in your marriage: Leave. Don't stick around "for the kids". Don't be afraid that you'll be on your own. If you're going to stay in a sucky marriage, you aren't doing your kids any favours. You're showing them what a bad relationship is, and it may become their life because that is how they perceive things. Family will be there for you. Friends will as well.
You're probably thinking "Easier said than done". You're right, it is. But, it's better to go through the struggles and hardships, than it is to continually live a lie or be miserable. As others have said in this thread, it's better to be single and be happy than it is to be miserable and alone while "with" someone. Love is out there, you'll find it again.
I don't know if I agree with the bold. If you are physically safe in the marriage, maybe it might be worth it to stay.
The truth of the matter is that you see a single person complaining about their life. Because life is hard sometimes. Now add another person, who is also having some hard times sometimes. There will be ups and downs. And when that person is down, it's not pleasant. And when you're down, it's not pleasant.
Are you going to be happy in your marriage when your spouse gets depressed? Or sick? Or their parent dies?
Are men going to be happy in their marriage when their wife balloons up with pregnancy and falls in love with someone else (the baby), and spends all her time caring for the child instead of being all interested in you? And her looks and hygiene have turned her into someone you don't recognize?
Yes, you might find love again. But what is the rate of divorce for second married couples? Because, not only do you have the same situation of two people having their ups and downs together, but now you introduce a new male to your children. Will he love them like their biological father? Maybe. But what is the probability? And if you couldn't get along with your spouse when you were together, do you think you suddenly will be at peace now that other romantic partners and parenting styles and financial issues and scheduling conflicts are introduced?
Someone said, they were in a difficult marriage. The retort was, that's redundant. Marriage is inherently difficult.
For someone who is struggling in their marriage, may I suggest trying to be happy in your life? Eat well, do fun things, give those kids lots of hugs and kisses, get away from the house and spend some alone time, do some self care. Fix you instead of your spouse. If your spouse is insufferable, distance yourself - immerse yourself in a hobby. Become more spiritual, get in tune with the joy that only God can give you.
Dance.
Happiness is all about focusing on the 90% of your life that's going right.
So, you would rather live a lie and present that lie to others? Yes, marriage is challenging. Yes, it's something that always needs work, caring and tending with both partners. I'm not talking if you wake up and are suddeny unhappy. I'm talking about if it's been a while that you're unhappy, you've attempted to work on yourself and the marriage with your partner with no resolution.
As someone who was in a 20yr marriage, only to find out that she was unhappy for most of it, why stick around? Why continue to tell someone that you love them when you don't? When you actually despise, resent and hate them for so long. BTW, those were her words to me for the six months we were separated.
As to the "second marriage" you speak of. Nope. No plans to marry again. The commitent is between the people in the relaionship. Not by blessing of Gov't, nor whatever religion and diety one wishes to believe in. Nor should they have a say in how the relationship will end, only to screw over on person or the other. The courts should be the only ones to get involved, and that's only if there is a disagreement on how things are divided.
You might think I'm jaded, scorned, or hateful towards my ex. Nope, not at all I'm perfectly happy with who I am and I have no ill will towards her and hope she's happy with her new husband. But, I have learned a lot about behaviour from dealing with her, and the few relationships since her. While I don't hold those things against anyone I may get involed with, it does mean I'm more cautious.
Prep for a truth bomb. Don't read further if you're not ready for one.
She most likely told you in a thousand ways she was unhappy, and you didn't change the situation. And at some point, she reached her limit of unhappiness and disengaged and focused on her. That's when you thought everything was fine. Because she was no longer complaining. No longer fighting with you. And opened herself up emotionally for the new guy.
Here's a truth bomb for you: It's not always the guy's fault either. Was I perfect? Nope, even said I wasn't in my post. But, when she accuses you of things you never did, and it turns out she's the guilty party... Yeah.
But, I'm just going to leave it at that. Not worth wasting my time anymore.
Hugs. Hopefully you'll be able to find happiness in your future. Sometimes it surprises you when it arrives.
0 -
TavistockToad wrote: »this thread is great - it has just reconfirmed all of the reasons i never wanted kids.
Our son is more mature and responsible than me.
"Dad, really. ... can you please turn the stereo down a little. I like speed metal as much as the next guy, but that's really loud."3 -
Here's some perspective for you: I have an elderly dear cousin I love who sought cancer treatment in Mexico. It helped, but she needs to go again but doesn't have the money for it. I have a daughter whom I love who has been working 1.5 years and has saved up enough money to pay for that trip.
When easy money is a life and death decision.2
This discussion has been closed.
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