Single and Resentful
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Chael2dot0 wrote: »fastfoodietofitcutie wrote: »Being 45 and single at every function and have everyone pity you takes its toll.
Like you should care at 45? That is right in the "not caring what other people think" age wheel house. Wait till 50. Then all the pity, insults, and judegement gets really funny.
Great, something to look forward to!1 -
I'm also 45 and single! I get bummed about it sometimes (like when my dad keeps implying I'm a lesbian, and not in a supportive way) but I'd rather be single than be with someone I don't love, and I just haven't met him yet.
It also helps me to remember that not too long ago, women weren't allowed to be single and active in the world. Jane Austen's characters would have given their right arms to be able to stay single and get jobs without being considered "ruined."
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fastfoodietofitcutie wrote: »I love my family dearly but am feeling a little resentful today for having to shell out money again for a family occasion. I’m the oldest of four and unfortunately single. Over the years I have spent thousands on weddings, showers, bachelorette parties, baby showers, christening gifts, etc.. It’s not that I don’t want to celebrate their joyous occasions but I’m sad it will never be returned. In my mid 40’s, I’ll never have a baby and may never get married. It’s not that I’m keeping track of the money and want it back but it would be nice to be acknowledged that I’ve gone above and beyond over the years and have never been celebrated myself. I know that’s selfish. Just feeling sorry for myself today I guess as I’m on my way to celebrate another event that I’ll never have.
Yeah, lots I'd probably disagree with here.
Try being married, if you want to learn about money going away that you'll never get back. Try having kids, for that matter.
I know you said you don't want the money back, but if you don't want to spend it, then don't spend it. You can either be the family member who doesn't shell out for occasions, or you can be the one who does. This is everyone's choice. EVERYONE buys into this, at least in my family, so it's just kind of expected.
As far as not getting anything on your return, you get your family and sharing those fun times together. If you don't want to participate in it, you don't have to.
"If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice."7 -
sex and the city covered this...send out a I AM MARRYING MYSELF w a registry. worked for carrie.1
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caco_ethes wrote: »I have never thought about this aspect.
Coupla things:
Don’t buy your nieces and nephews birthday or Xmas gifts (if you do this already), your siblings will thank you. Trust me
Second, i can’t tell if this is about the money or if it’s just a reminder that you’re single and feel lonely but I just want to say that ‘having someone’ can be desperately lonely too. Marriage is not all it’s cracked up to be. Kids are generally jerks and any parent who says differently probably never actually spends time with their kids 😅. I’m currently engaged in a Mexican standoff with my husband over the dirty dishes and even though it’s been a few days, he still doesn’t even know that I’ve waged battle. I can’t remember the last time we had an engaging conversation. My son is a budding bully and I have to work with him constantly on empathy. My daughter is a martyr and an eternal victim and she’s only 7. Her favorite activity is throwing a tantrum. I spend most days irritable and resentful that I had kids ‘because that’s just what you do’. I know some day they’ll outgrow this but my daily mother’s guilt level is somewhere between self-loathing and a low-grade level of black despair.
Now. Several people might quote this and say “I love my marriage and kids” and that’s great. I’m glad. But the silent majority get it, although most of them are wise enough not to put it out so flatly like this. 😬
So I guess I’m saying.. the grass is always greener. You envy us. We envy you. But I can tell you that no amount of gifts I received for babies or showers or my wedding even come close to making up for what are decidedly my biggest regrets and the loss of my freedom.
Disclaimer: I love my kids. I do not regret their existence. But I truly hate being a parent and it’s something I need to work out so they never feel as though I resent them. *Edit* This is getting better as they get older, so there’s hope
Most important thing though: I have no intention of invalidating your feelings. I don’t mean to imply that you shouldn’t feel upset because others have it worse. I’m just trying to share the real life aspects of what you feel you’re missing out on.
This is my longest post ever.
Wow, to use a really inappropriate expression, that was HOT. Like, caco genuinely nailed an awful lot of being a parent and a spouse on the day-to-day.
I think my wife and I get along incredibly well. INCREDIBLY. AND I think we are different than many, many couples. We still have *kitten* awful fights, times where we don't speak to each other, long periods of non-coitus, serious doubt and confusion, etc. AND I THINK WE'RE TOTALLY EXCEPTIONAL! Even happier or more functional than many other couples. And, yet, we aren't really anything special at all, as far as marriage goes.
Caco, your description of your children and how they feel and how you know it will pass but still... those sentiments were on the money. Mine are 3.5 and approx. 1, so they aren't as dramatically developed as yours are, but we can still see the subtle beginnings of megalomaniac and father-hater.
Anyway, just had to chime on on how real this was.
Also, the advice about not getting presents for the nieces and nephews, at least not any more goddamn toys or coloring books, that is solid advice right there.
As for longest post ever: post on!
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JustinAnimal wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »I have never thought about this aspect.
Coupla things:
Don’t buy your nieces and nephews birthday or Xmas gifts (if you do this already), your siblings will thank you. Trust me
Second, i can’t tell if this is about the money or if it’s just a reminder that you’re single and feel lonely but I just want to say that ‘having someone’ can be desperately lonely too. Marriage is not all it’s cracked up to be. Kids are generally jerks and any parent who says differently probably never actually spends time with their kids 😅. I’m currently engaged in a Mexican standoff with my husband over the dirty dishes and even though it’s been a few days, he still doesn’t even know that I’ve waged battle. I can’t remember the last time we had an engaging conversation. My son is a budding bully and I have to work with him constantly on empathy. My daughter is a martyr and an eternal victim and she’s only 7. Her favorite activity is throwing a tantrum. I spend most days irritable and resentful that I had kids ‘because that’s just what you do’. I know some day they’ll outgrow this but my daily mother’s guilt level is somewhere between self-loathing and a low-grade level of black despair.
Now. Several people might quote this and say “I love my marriage and kids” and that’s great. I’m glad. But the silent majority get it, although most of them are wise enough not to put it out so flatly like this. 😬
So I guess I’m saying.. the grass is always greener. You envy us. We envy you. But I can tell you that no amount of gifts I received for babies or showers or my wedding even come close to making up for what are decidedly my biggest regrets and the loss of my freedom.
Disclaimer: I love my kids. I do not regret their existence. But I truly hate being a parent and it’s something I need to work out so they never feel as though I resent them. *Edit* This is getting better as they get older, so there’s hope
Most important thing though: I have no intention of invalidating your feelings. I don’t mean to imply that you shouldn’t feel upset because others have it worse. I’m just trying to share the real life aspects of what you feel you’re missing out on.
This is my longest post ever.
Wow, to use a really inappropriate expression, that was HOT. Like, caco genuinely nailed an awful lot of being a parent and a spouse on the day-to-day.
I think my wife and I get along incredibly well. INCREDIBLY. AND I think we are different than many, many couples. We still have *kitten* awful fights, times where we don't speak to each other, long periods of non-coitus, serious doubt and confusion, etc. AND I THINK WE'RE TOTALLY EXCEPTIONAL! Even happier or more functional than many other couples. And, yet, we aren't really anything special at all, as far as marriage goes.
Caco, your description of your children and how they feel and how you know it will pass but still... those sentiments were on the money. Mine are 3.5 and approx. 1, so they aren't as dramatically developed as yours are, but we can still see the subtle beginnings of megalomaniac and father-hater.
Anyway, just had to chime on on how real this was.
Also, the advice about not getting presents for the nieces and nephews, at least not any more goddamn toys or coloring books, that is solid advice right there.
As for longest post ever: post on!
Gtfoutta here with your good marriage 😅😉0 -
caco_ethes wrote: »I have never thought about this aspect.
Coupla things:
Don’t buy your nieces and nephews birthday or Xmas gifts (if you do this already), your siblings will thank you. Trust me
Second, i can’t tell if this is about the money or if it’s just a reminder that you’re single and feel lonely but I just want to say that ‘having someone’ can be desperately lonely too. Marriage is not all it’s cracked up to be. Kids are generally jerks and any parent who says differently probably never actually spends time with their kids 😅. I’m currently engaged in a Mexican standoff with my husband over the dirty dishes and even though it’s been a few days, he still doesn’t even know that I’ve waged battle. I can’t remember the last time we had an engaging conversation. My son is a budding bully and I have to work with him constantly on empathy. My daughter is a martyr and an eternal victim and she’s only 7. Her favorite activity is throwing a tantrum. I spend most days irritable and resentful that I had kids ‘because that’s just what you do’. I know some day they’ll outgrow this but my daily mother’s guilt level is somewhere between self-loathing and a low-grade level of black despair.
Now. Several people might quote this and say “I love my marriage and kids” and that’s great. I’m glad. But the silent majority get it, although most of them are wise enough not to put it out so flatly like this. 😬
So I guess I’m saying.. the grass is always greener. You envy us. We envy you. But I can tell you that no amount of gifts I received for babies or showers or my wedding even come close to making up for what are decidedly my biggest regrets and the loss of my freedom.
Disclaimer: I love my kids. I do not regret their existence. But I truly hate being a parent and it’s something I need to work out so they never feel as though I resent them. *Edit* This is getting better as they get older, so there’s hope
Most important thing though: I have no intention of invalidating your feelings. I don’t mean to imply that you shouldn’t feel upset because others have it worse. I’m just trying to share the real life aspects of what you feel you’re missing out on.
This is my longest post ever.
Let's have kids we said. It will be fun we said! **FACEPAML!!**
I totally agree. Being in a marriage where every decision has to be shared, having a family where self-sacrifice is a requirement, dealing with all the non-sense on a daily basis and it seems like a never ending nightmare. Love my kids to pieces but I miss soooooooo much having the freedom. I am always cleaning up messes, being yelled at, managing tantrums, giving discipline. I think to myself, I used to be fun before I had kids!!!!
I practically never do anything for myself and when I do I can barely enjoy it as the guilt comes knocking right away. I feel so isolated, it's not even funny. I am thankful for my husband which I love and I know he truly loves me, but sometimes I just wish for something else. Just being alone. Just being involved with my girlfriends who understood me and actually doing things I enjoy. They both (yes, I only had two girl friends) kind of drifted away as I am really devoted to my family. I just hope my kids one day realize everything I do for them and don't forget about me once they leave the house.
My husband doesn't want to fake interest in the things I love and I feel like I am the only one taking interest in what he likes, otherwise, we never really would spend time together. Apart from loving each other, sometimes I wonder what we have in common (well I guess values and our kids... but that gets boring). As for the kids, I liked spending time with kids more when they weren't mine. How ironic!
I miss being able to sleep. Not being responsible of everyone and everything. Doing things I enjoy and spending time with the people I want just because it's fun, not because it's appropriate. Having a fit body that isn't marked by stretch marks all across. Having a body that doesn't ache so much I can barely do anything. Used to be so fit and in shape and now I'm just a serial dieter and after 3 kids I just can't seem to lose the damn weight.
Oh well, I count my blessings, tell myself it's a season of life. Bottom line, it's the life I chose so no point in regretting it. Just have to make the most out of it. I also think my husband and I are a pretty good couple, but it's not all I thought it would be for sure.
And I totally agree with the gifts things. I had to impose a limit of one gift by family member, and even then I would often rather they don't give anything because it gets so overwhelming, and honestly the more things the kids have the less they enjoy or care fot it.
I often look at those single 30 something living the life, and I think to myself... It would be fun. Maybe at the very end of my life I'll appreciate having all of these people I invested so much time in be there by my side (if they even are) but I feel like I will regret a bunch of stuff I wish I could do but there is always something (whether the lack of time or resources, or the freedom) that keeps me from being able to do.
Even though my husband has I think the same outlook (it's the life I chose so no point in regretting it. Just have to make the most out of it) I think he probably thinks the same thing! The only comfort we have is that we can lean on each other in hard times, and that we suffer together lol.
Same thing applies to you honey, no point in regretting the life you chose, just make the most out of it. Also, you never know when love will come knocking, it's never too late. So just enjoy the ride because it will be over before you know it. oxoxox3 -
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caco_ethes wrote: »I have never thought about this aspect.
Coupla things:
Don’t buy your nieces and nephews birthday or Xmas gifts (if you do this already), your siblings will thank you. Trust me
Second, i can’t tell if this is about the money or if it’s just a reminder that you’re single and feel lonely but I just want to say that ‘having someone’ can be desperately lonely too. Marriage is not all it’s cracked up to be. Kids are generally jerks and any parent who says differently probably never actually spends time with their kids 😅. I’m currently engaged in a Mexican standoff with my husband over the dirty dishes and even though it’s been a few days, he still doesn’t even know that I’ve waged battle. I can’t remember the last time we had an engaging conversation. My son is a budding bully and I have to work with him constantly on empathy. My daughter is a martyr and an eternal victim and she’s only 7. Her favorite activity is throwing a tantrum. I spend most days irritable and resentful that I had kids ‘because that’s just what you do’. I know some day they’ll outgrow this but my daily mother’s guilt level is somewhere between self-loathing and a low-grade level of black despair.
Now. Several people might quote this and say “I love my marriage and kids” and that’s great. I’m glad. But the silent majority get it, although most of them are wise enough not to put it out so flatly like this. 😬
So I guess I’m saying.. the grass is always greener. You envy us. We envy you. But I can tell you that no amount of gifts I received for babies or showers or my wedding even come close to making up for what are decidedly my biggest regrets and the loss of my freedom.
Disclaimer: I love my kids. I do not regret their existence. But I truly hate being a parent and it’s something I need to work out so they never feel as though I resent them. *Edit* This is getting better as they get older, so there’s hope
Most important thing though: I have no intention of invalidating your feelings. I don’t mean to imply that you shouldn’t feel upset because others have it worse. I’m just trying to share the real life aspects of what you feel you’re missing out on.
This is my longest post ever.
Let's have kids we said. It will be fun we said! **FACEPAML!!**
I totally agree. Being in a marriage where every decision has to be shared, having a family where self-sacrifice is a requirement, dealing with all the non-sense on a daily basis and it seems like a never ending nightmare. Love my kids to pieces but I miss soooooooo much having the freedom. I am always cleaning up messes, being yelled at, managing tantrums, giving discipline. I think to myself, I used to be fun before I had kids!!!!
I practically never do anything for myself and when I do I can barely enjoy it as the guilt comes knocking right away. I feel so isolated, it's not even funny. I am thankful for my husband which I love and I know he truly loves me, but sometimes I just wish for something else. Just being alone. Just being involved with my girlfriends who understood me and actually doing things I enjoy. They both (yes, I only had two girl friends) kind of drifted away as I am really devoted to my family. I just hope my kids one day realize everything I do for them and don't forget about me once they leave the house.
My husband doesn't want to fake interest in the things I love and I feel like I am the only one taking interest in what he likes, otherwise, we never really would spend time together. Apart from loving each other, sometimes I wonder what we have in common (well I guess values and our kids... but that gets boring). As for the kids, I liked spending time with kids more when they weren't mine. How ironic!
I miss being able to sleep. Not being responsible of everyone and everything. Doing things I enjoy and spending time with the people I want just because it's fun, not because it's appropriate. Having a fit body that isn't marked by stretch marks all across. Having a body that doesn't ache so much I can barely do anything. Used to be so fit and in shape and now I'm just a serial dieter and after 3 kids I just can't seem to lose the damn weight.
Oh well, I count my blessings, tell myself it's a season of life. Bottom line, it's the life I chose so no point in regretting it. Just have to make the most out of it. I also think my husband and I are a pretty good couple, but it's not all I thought it would be for sure.
And I totally agree with the gifts things. I had to impose a limit of one gift by family member, and even then I would often rather they don't give anything because it gets so overwhelming, and honestly the more things the kids have the less they enjoy or care fot it.
I often look at those single 30 something living the life, and I think to myself... It would be fun. Maybe at the very end of my life I'll appreciate having all of these people I invested so much time in be there by my side (if they even are) but I feel like I will regret a bunch of stuff I wish I could do but there is always something (whether the lack of time or resources, or the freedom) that keeps me from being able to do.
Even though my husband has I think the same outlook (it's the life I chose so no point in regretting it. Just have to make the most out of it) I think he probably thinks the same thing! The only comfort we have is that we can lean on each other in hard times, and that we suffer together lol.
Same thing applies to you honey, no point in regretting the life you chose, just make the most out of it. Also, you never know when love will come knocking, it's never too late. So just enjoy the ride because it will be over before you know it. oxoxox
Yes, you never think of any of the frustrations. You make a very valid point and I’m really going to focus on what I do have.0 -
Single is the good life.
Shortest post.
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fastfoodietofitcutie wrote: »I love my family dearly but am feeling a little resentful today for having to shell out money again for a family occasion. I’m the oldest of four and unfortunately single. Over the years I have spent thousands on weddings, showers, bachelorette parties, baby showers, christening gifts, etc.. It’s not that I don’t want to celebrate their joyous occasions but I’m sad it will never be returned. In my mid 40’s, I’ll never have a baby and may never get married. It’s not that I’m keeping track of the money and want it back but it would be nice to be acknowledged that I’ve gone above and beyond over the years and have never been celebrated myself. I know that’s selfish. Just feeling sorry for myself today I guess as I’m on my way to celebrate another event that I’ll never have.
It happens... And I have felt this too. I am a single mom. And when we do gifts at Christmas, we do a white elephant gift for adults, and everyone else just buys for their own families. It's just me and my toddler. So while I will buy gifts for her, I don't have a partner to surprise me with anything.
Do I need presents? No, of course not! But would it be nice to have someone think of me? A partner who would do holiday shopping for me? Well, yeah... that would be nice....
My siblings have really great marriages. They have their hard and frustrating times, but they are strong. And yes. I am a little jealous. So I get it. Even though I have the kid, I don't have the marriage. I don't have the partner.
And every once in a while, the words "old maid" blare through my head. I hate that I even think it. But I feel like it's an old stigma that still lives....0 -
caco_ethes wrote: »I have never thought about this aspect.
Coupla things:
Don’t buy your nieces and nephews birthday or Xmas gifts (if you do this already), your siblings will thank you. Trust me
Second, i can’t tell if this is about the money or if it’s just a reminder that you’re single and feel lonely but I just want to say that ‘having someone’ can be desperately lonely too. Marriage is not all it’s cracked up to be. Kids are generally jerks and any parent who says differently probably never actually spends time with their kids 😅. I’m currently engaged in a Mexican standoff with my husband over the dirty dishes and even though it’s been a few days, he still doesn’t even know that I’ve waged battle. I can’t remember the last time we had an engaging conversation. My son is a budding bully and I have to work with him constantly on empathy. My daughter is a martyr and an eternal victim and she’s only 7. Her favorite activity is throwing a tantrum. I spend most days irritable and resentful that I had kids ‘because that’s just what you do’. I know some day they’ll outgrow this but my daily mother’s guilt level is somewhere between self-loathing and a low-grade level of black despair.
Now. Several people might quote this and say “I love my marriage and kids” and that’s great. I’m glad. But the silent majority get it, although most of them are wise enough not to put it out so flatly like this. 😬
So I guess I’m saying.. the grass is always greener. You envy us. We envy you. But I can tell you that no amount of gifts I received for babies or showers or my wedding even come close to making up for what are decidedly my biggest regrets and the loss of my freedom.
Disclaimer: I love my kids. I do not regret their existence. But I truly hate being a parent and it’s something I need to work out so they never feel as though I resent them. *Edit* This is getting better as they get older, so there’s hope
Most important thing though: I have no intention of invalidating your feelings. I don’t mean to imply that you shouldn’t feel upset because others have it worse. I’m just trying to share the real life aspects of what you feel you’re missing out on.
This is my longest post ever.
Exactly this!!! Best post ever!
Maybe when they become parents themselves, they get better, but teenagers suck just as much...
Also, I think I had more money dishing out thousands a month in diapers and daycare than I do now with them.1 -
.[/quote]
It happens... And I have felt this too. I am a single mom. And when we do gifts at Christmas, we do a white elephant gift for adults, and everyone else just buys for their own families. It's just me and my toddler. So while I will buy gifts for her, I don't have a partner to surprise me with anything.
Do I need presents? No, of course not! But would it be nice to have someone think of me? A partner who would do holiday shopping for me? Well, yeah... that would be nice....
My siblings have really great marriages. They have their hard and frustrating times, but they are strong. And yes. I am a little jealous. So I get it. Even though I have the kid, I don't have the marriage. I don't have the partner.
And every once in a while, the words "old maid" blare through my head. I hate that I even think it. But I feel like it's an old stigma that still lives.... [/quote]
Thank you for sympathizing. The holidays are the hardest.0 -
mustacheU2Lift wrote: »
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#winning2
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fastfoodietofitcutie wrote: »I love my family dearly but am feeling a little resentful today for having to shell out money again for a family occasion. I’m the oldest of four and unfortunately single. Over the years I have spent thousands on weddings, showers, bachelorette parties, baby showers, christening gifts, etc.. It’s not that I don’t want to celebrate their joyous occasions but I’m sad it will never be returned. In my mid 40’s, I’ll never have a baby and may never get married. It’s not that I’m keeping track of the money and want it back but it would be nice to be acknowledged that I’ve gone above and beyond over the years and have never been celebrated myself. I know that’s selfish. Just feeling sorry for myself today I guess as I’m on my way to celebrate another event that I’ll never have.
Never say never. There is not a cut off age for being in a relationship or any of this.
Are you feeling like you are missing out on some dream that you had or just not getting as much attention?
The reality is that there are positives and negatives to being single, married, having kids.
Marriages might be happy or unhappy. They involve compromise and work.
Parenting is not always cute kids on the honor roll. It is often cleaning vomit off the carpet, your kid breaking things, missing out on events because your kid is sick or you can't afford to take the whole family, your child struggling in school, your kid getting bullied or being the bully, not getting enough sleep, finding lost shoes, having family buy your kid noisy toys, or complain about your parenting, having a teenager snarl at you and think you are embarrasing/dumb, spending a lot of money on school, food, health care, clothes that are outgrown fast, activities, fundraising sales. More laundry, more dishes, more cleaning. Bigger house. Kids want pets. Having to recpricate invitations and gifts to other children's birthdays. Every day.
As a single person you get to choose a lot of what you do, when you do it and walk away from things you have had enough of. You get the fun times with your family.
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This thread should be required reading for those considering marriage. Screw the church classes about marriage, or the therapists/counselors.
I won't get into the issues from a male perspective other than to say that what you women may be feeling, talk with your husband about them because it may not be what you're thinking. Guys, listen to wife/SO. Don't offer how you're going to fix it. Listen first, think about it and openly discuss the issues about how BOTH of you will work together and make it work. Lack of communication is the single most reason for marriages failing.
Finally, for those of you who are unhappy in your marriage: Leave. Don't stick around "for the kids". Don't be afraid that you'll be on your own. If you're going to stay in a sucky marriage, you aren't doing your kids any favours. You're showing them what a bad relationship is, and it may become their life because that is how they perceive things. Family will be there for you. Friends will as well.
You're probably thinking "Easier said than done". You're right, it is. But, it's better to go through the struggles and hardships, than it is to continually live a lie or be miserable. As others have said in this thread, it's better to be single and be happy than it is to be miserable and alone while "with" someone. Love is out there, you'll find it again.17
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