Single and Resentful
Replies
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IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »xFunctionalStrengthx wrote: »IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »xFunctionalStrengthx wrote: »IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »xFunctionalStrengthx wrote: »This thread should be required reading for those considering marriage. Screw the church classes about marriage, or the therapists/counselors.
I won't get into the issues from a male perspective other than to say that what you women may be feeling, talk with your husband about them because it may not be what you're thinking. Guys, listen to wife/SO. Don't offer how you're going to fix it. Listen first, think about it and openly discuss the issues about how BOTH of you will work together and make it work. Lack of communication is the single most reason for marriages failing.
Finally, for those of you who are unhappy in your marriage: Leave. Don't stick around "for the kids". Don't be afraid that you'll be on your own. If you're going to stay in a sucky marriage, you aren't doing your kids any favours. You're showing them what a bad relationship is, and it may become their life because that is how they perceive things. Family will be there for you. Friends will as well.
You're probably thinking "Easier said than done". You're right, it is. But, it's better to go through the struggles and hardships, than it is to continually live a lie or be miserable. As others have said in this thread, it's better to be single and be happy than it is to be miserable and alone while "with" someone. Love is out there, you'll find it again.
I don't know if I agree with the bold. If you are physically safe in the marriage, maybe it might be worth it to stay.
The truth of the matter is that you see a single person complaining about their life. Because life is hard sometimes. Now add another person, who is also having some hard times sometimes. There will be ups and downs. And when that person is down, it's not pleasant. And when you're down, it's not pleasant.
Are you going to be happy in your marriage when your spouse gets depressed? Or sick? Or their parent dies?
Are men going to be happy in their marriage when their wife balloons up with pregnancy and falls in love with someone else (the baby), and spends all her time caring for the child instead of being all interested in you? And her looks and hygiene have turned her into someone you don't recognize?
Yes, you might find love again. But what is the rate of divorce for second married couples? Because, not only do you have the same situation of two people having their ups and downs together, but now you introduce a new male to your children. Will he love them like their biological father? Maybe. But what is the probability? And if you couldn't get along with your spouse when you were together, do you think you suddenly will be at peace now that other romantic partners and parenting styles and financial issues and scheduling conflicts are introduced?
Someone said, they were in a difficult marriage. The retort was, that's redundant. Marriage is inherently difficult.
For someone who is struggling in their marriage, may I suggest trying to be happy in your life? Eat well, do fun things, give those kids lots of hugs and kisses, get away from the house and spend some alone time, do some self care. Fix you instead of your spouse. If your spouse is insufferable, distance yourself - immerse yourself in a hobby. Become more spiritual, get in tune with the joy that only God can give you.
Dance.
Happiness is all about focusing on the 90% of your life that's going right.
So, you would rather live a lie and present that lie to others? Yes, marriage is challenging. Yes, it's something that always needs work, caring and tending with both partners. I'm not talking if you wake up and are suddeny unhappy. I'm talking about if it's been a while that you're unhappy, you've attempted to work on yourself and the marriage with your partner with no resolution.
As someone who was in a 20yr marriage, only to find out that she was unhappy for most of it, why stick around? Why continue to tell someone that you love them when you don't? When you actually despise, resent and hate them for so long. BTW, those were her words to me for the six months we were separated.
As to the "second marriage" you speak of. Nope. No plans to marry again. The commitent is between the people in the relaionship. Not by blessing of Gov't, nor whatever religion and diety one wishes to believe in. Nor should they have a say in how the relationship will end, only to screw over on person or the other. The courts should be the only ones to get involved, and that's only if there is a disagreement on how things are divided.
You might think I'm jaded, scorned, or hateful towards my ex. Nope, not at all I'm perfectly happy with who I am and I have no ill will towards her and hope she's happy with her new husband. But, I have learned a lot about behaviour from dealing with her, and the few relationships since her. While I don't hold those things against anyone I may get involed with, it does mean I'm more cautious.
Prep for a truth bomb. Don't read further if you're not ready for one.
She most likely told you in a thousand ways she was unhappy, and you didn't change the situation. And at some point, she reached her limit of unhappiness and disengaged and focused on her. That's when you thought everything was fine. Because she was no longer complaining. No longer fighting with you. And opened herself up emotionally for the new guy.
Here's a truth bomb for you: It's not always the guy's fault either. Was I perfect? Nope, even said I wasn't in my post. But, when she accuses you of things you never did, and it turns out she's the guilty party... Yeah.
But, I'm just going to leave it at that. Not worth wasting my time anymore.
Hugs. Hopefully you'll be able to find happiness in your future. Sometimes it surprises you when it arrives.
You're mistaken again. I'm very happy, and I'm happy being single. I've yet to meet someone who would make me not want to remain single. If/when that time comes, I'd welcome it. But, she'd have to understand that no matter what, I shall not get married again. If she doesn't like it, and is dead set on being married, that to me says something about her character. To which, I'll politely say "Thanks, there's the door."
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i think the opposite is true as wellxFunctionalStrengthx wrote: »IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »xFunctionalStrengthx wrote: »IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »xFunctionalStrengthx wrote: »IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »xFunctionalStrengthx wrote: »This thread should be required reading for those considering marriage. Screw the church classes about marriage, or the therapists/counselors.
I won't get into the issues from a male perspective other than to say that what you women may be feeling, talk with your husband about them because it may not be what you're thinking. Guys, listen to wife/SO. Don't offer how you're going to fix it. Listen first, think about it and openly discuss the issues about how BOTH of you will work together and make it work. Lack of communication is the single most reason for marriages failing.
Finally, for those of you who are unhappy in your marriage: Leave. Don't stick around "for the kids". Don't be afraid that you'll be on your own. If you're going to stay in a sucky marriage, you aren't doing your kids any favours. You're showing them what a bad relationship is, and it may become their life because that is how they perceive things. Family will be there for you. Friends will as well.
You're probably thinking "Easier said than done". You're right, it is. But, it's better to go through the struggles and hardships, than it is to continually live a lie or be miserable. As others have said in this thread, it's better to be single and be happy than it is to be miserable and alone while "with" someone. Love is out there, you'll find it again.
I don't know if I agree with the bold. If you are physically safe in the marriage, maybe it might be worth it to stay.
The truth of the matter is that you see a single person complaining about their life. Because life is hard sometimes. Now add another person, who is also having some hard times sometimes. There will be ups and downs. And when that person is down, it's not pleasant. And when you're down, it's not pleasant.
Are you going to be happy in your marriage when your spouse gets depressed? Or sick? Or their parent dies?
Are men going to be happy in their marriage when their wife balloons up with pregnancy and falls in love with someone else (the baby), and spends all her time caring for the child instead of being all interested in you? And her looks and hygiene have turned her into someone you don't recognize?
Yes, you might find love again. But what is the rate of divorce for second married couples? Because, not only do you have the same situation of two people having their ups and downs together, but now you introduce a new male to your children. Will he love them like their biological father? Maybe. But what is the probability? And if you couldn't get along with your spouse when you were together, do you think you suddenly will be at peace now that other romantic partners and parenting styles and financial issues and scheduling conflicts are introduced?
Someone said, they were in a difficult marriage. The retort was, that's redundant. Marriage is inherently difficult.
For someone who is struggling in their marriage, may I suggest trying to be happy in your life? Eat well, do fun things, give those kids lots of hugs and kisses, get away from the house and spend some alone time, do some self care. Fix you instead of your spouse. If your spouse is insufferable, distance yourself - immerse yourself in a hobby. Become more spiritual, get in tune with the joy that only God can give you.
Dance.
Happiness is all about focusing on the 90% of your life that's going right.
So, you would rather live a lie and present that lie to others? Yes, marriage is challenging. Yes, it's something that always needs work, caring and tending with both partners. I'm not talking if you wake up and are suddeny unhappy. I'm talking about if it's been a while that you're unhappy, you've attempted to work on yourself and the marriage with your partner with no resolution.
As someone who was in a 20yr marriage, only to find out that she was unhappy for most of it, why stick around? Why continue to tell someone that you love them when you don't? When you actually despise, resent and hate them for so long. BTW, those were her words to me for the six months we were separated.
As to the "second marriage" you speak of. Nope. No plans to marry again. The commitent is between the people in the relaionship. Not by blessing of Gov't, nor whatever religion and diety one wishes to believe in. Nor should they have a say in how the relationship will end, only to screw over on person or the other. The courts should be the only ones to get involved, and that's only if there is a disagreement on how things are divided.
You might think I'm jaded, scorned, or hateful towards my ex. Nope, not at all I'm perfectly happy with who I am and I have no ill will towards her and hope she's happy with her new husband. But, I have learned a lot about behaviour from dealing with her, and the few relationships since her. While I don't hold those things against anyone I may get involed with, it does mean I'm more cautious.
Prep for a truth bomb. Don't read further if you're not ready for one.
She most likely told you in a thousand ways she was unhappy, and you didn't change the situation. And at some point, she reached her limit of unhappiness and disengaged and focused on her. That's when you thought everything was fine. Because she was no longer complaining. No longer fighting with you. And opened herself up emotionally for the new guy.
Here's a truth bomb for you: It's not always the guy's fault either. Was I perfect? Nope, even said I wasn't in my post. But, when she accuses you of things you never did, and it turns out she's the guilty party... Yeah.
But, I'm just going to leave it at that. Not worth wasting my time anymore.
Hugs. Hopefully you'll be able to find happiness in your future. Sometimes it surprises you when it arrives.
You're mistaken again. I'm very happy, and I'm happy being single. I've yet to meet someone who would make me not want to remain single. If/when that time comes, I'd welcome it. But, she'd have to understand that no matter what, I shall not get married again. If she doesn't like it, and is dead set on being married, that to me says something about her character. To which, I'll politely say "Thanks, there's the door."
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I love my wife and I am happy with my married life.
Things could always be better of course, but life is what happens when you are trying to make other plans.
Sorry to hear some of you regret the choices you consciously made.
It is interesting to read that the problems seem to be mostly your spouse's and/or your kids' fault.
It clearly isn't because you might have failed to adequately communicate your expectations to/of them or set appropriate boundaries or goals.
Life -married or single- takes work to do well, just like getting fit.
Life is not a fairy tale and this goes double for "married life"
Like we say in my field: "If it was easy, everyone would be a black belt (or champion)."
* My wife approves of this message and concurs.7 -
[/quote]
My Aunt actually did just this for her 40th birthday. She had been bummed that she probably would never marry, so she through a huge party for herself. Rented a hall, got a band, had it catered, got a super nice dress, and we all celebrated along with her. [/quote]
I would be to embarrassed to do this. I would be afraid that everyone would think I’m pathetic for being old and alone. I really admire people who can be happy and don’t care what other people think. It’s something I really need to work on.1 -
I love my wife and I am happy with my married life.
Things could always be better of course, but life is what happens when you are trying to make other plans.
Sorry to hear some of you regret the choices you consciously made.
It is interesting to read that the problems seem to be mostly your spouse's and/or your kids' fault.
It clearly isn't because you might have failed to adequately communicate your expectations to/of them or set appropriate boundaries or goals.
Life -married or single- takes work to do well, just like getting fit.
Life is not a fairy tale and this goes double for "married life"
Like we say in my field: "If it was easy, everyone would be a black belt (or champion)."
* My wife approves of this message and concurs.
So much judgment in this post, my word 😅7 -
I love my wife and I am happy with my married life.
Things could always be better of course, but life is what happens when you are trying to make other plans.
Sorry to hear some of you regret the choices you consciously made.
It is interesting to read that the problems seem to be mostly your spouse's and/or your kids' fault.
It clearly isn't because you might have failed to adequately communicate your expectations to/of them or set appropriate boundaries or goals.
Life -married or single- takes work to do well, just like getting fit.
Life is not a fairy tale and this goes double for "married life"
Like we say in my field: "If it was easy, everyone would be a black belt (or champion)."
* My wife approves of this message and concurs.
I disagree with the bold. You can communicate all you want. People are going to human, regardless.
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*sigh*
I'm pretty sure there's plenty of blame to go around when relationships fail. Especially long term relationships.0 -
This thread needs some lightening up. Still on topic though:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRiGtHTJb0A 2 -
rhenry2424 wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »I have never thought about this aspect.
Coupla things:
Don’t buy your nieces and nephews birthday or Xmas gifts (if you do this already), your siblings will thank you. Trust me
Second, i can’t tell if this is about the money or if it’s just a reminder that you’re single and feel lonely but I just want to say that ‘having someone’ can be desperately lonely too. Marriage is not all it’s cracked up to be. Kids are generally jerks and any parent who says differently probably never actually spends time with their kids 😅. I’m currently engaged in a Mexican standoff with my husband over the dirty dishes and even though it’s been a few days, he still doesn’t even know that I’ve waged battle. I can’t remember the last time we had an engaging conversation. My son is a budding bully and I have to work with him constantly on empathy. My daughter is a martyr and an eternal victim and she’s only 7. Her favorite activity is throwing a tantrum. I spend most days irritable and resentful that I had kids ‘because that’s just what you do’. I know some day they’ll outgrow this but my daily mother’s guilt level is somewhere between self-loathing and a low-grade level of black despair.
Now. Several people might quote this and say “I love my marriage and kids” and that’s great. I’m glad. But the silent majority get it, although most of them are wise enough not to put it out so flatly like this. 😬
So I guess I’m saying.. the grass is always greener. You envy us. We envy you. But I can tell you that no amount of gifts I received for babies or showers or my wedding even come close to making up for what are decidedly my biggest regrets and the loss of my freedom.
Disclaimer: I love my kids. I do not regret their existence. But I truly hate being a parent and it’s something I need to work out so they never feel as though I resent them. *Edit* This is getting better as they get older, so there’s hope
Most important thing though: I have no intention of invalidating your feelings. I don’t mean to imply that you shouldn’t feel upset because others have it worse. I’m just trying to share the real life aspects of what you feel you’re missing out on.
This is my longest post ever.
Exactly this!!! Best post ever!
Maybe when they become parents themselves, they get better, but teenagers suck just as much...
Also, I think I had more money dishing out thousands a month in diapers and daycare than I do now with them.rickswifey83 wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »I have never thought about this aspect.
Coupla things:
Don’t buy your nieces and nephews birthday or Xmas gifts (if you do this already), your siblings will thank you. Trust me
Second, i can’t tell if this is about the money or if it’s just a reminder that you’re single and feel lonely but I just want to say that ‘having someone’ can be desperately lonely too. Marriage is not all it’s cracked up to be. Kids are generally jerks and any parent who says differently probably never actually spends time with their kids 😅. I’m currently engaged in a Mexican standoff with my husband over the dirty dishes and even though it’s been a few days, he still doesn’t even know that I’ve waged battle. I can’t remember the last time we had an engaging conversation. My son is a budding bully and I have to work with him constantly on empathy. My daughter is a martyr and an eternal victim and she’s only 7. Her favorite activity is throwing a tantrum. I spend most days irritable and resentful that I had kids ‘because that’s just what you do’. I know some day they’ll outgrow this but my daily mother’s guilt level is somewhere between self-loathing and a low-grade level of black despair.
Now. Several people might quote this and say “I love my marriage and kids” and that’s great. I’m glad. But the silent majority get it, although most of them are wise enough not to put it out so flatly like this. 😬
So I guess I’m saying.. the grass is always greener. You envy us. We envy you. But I can tell you that no amount of gifts I received for babies or showers or my wedding even come close to making up for what are decidedly my biggest regrets and the loss of my freedom.
Disclaimer: I love my kids. I do not regret their existence. But I truly hate being a parent and it’s something I need to work out so they never feel as though I resent them. *Edit* This is getting better as they get older, so there’s hope
Most important thing though: I have no intention of invalidating your feelings. I don’t mean to imply that you shouldn’t feel upset because others have it worse. I’m just trying to share the real life aspects of what you feel you’re missing out on.
This is my longest post ever.
Caco...this right here is the realest *kitten* I have ever seen regarding life as a Spouse and Parent.
I love my kids beyond measure, but sometimes they are ungrateful little brats that I want to escape from. Other times they are the most charming and wonderful little humans to grace the face of the planet. I do not regret my children but sometimes when I am taking the oldest to 5am volleyball and then getting home at 9pm because of football or basketball I feel the resentment creep in. I have constant dark circles, I never wear makeup, and my wardrobe sucks because I put their needs first always.
The husband....I prefer to just not go there. I wish every day of my life that I would have said no and just made the decision to co-parent from separate households. My marriage is something I truly regret and will never recover from. I no longer believe marriage is beautiful. I resent everything about marriage and my total lack of freedom due to being held back by his limitations.
I agree...do not buy toys for the kids...something sensible like clothing if you must purchase a present. Trust me, they have enough toys that they will break and leave thrown on the floor after losing interest within the first 5 minutes of playing.
Caco, that was a fantastic post - and I love that it got others opening up, too.
I wouldn’t give my 4 kids back for anything, but parenting is HARD and I constantly find myself daydreaming of being able to run away and disappear. I’m currently dealing with a teenager with zero ambition to do anything, a middle schooler with multiple medical issues who is struggling with school and is hitting hormone swing central, 11 year old who’s also starting with the hormones and dramatics and has a solid martyr complex, and a 7 year old who’s battling anxiety that shows in a combo of panic attacks and perfectionism that leads to raging tantrums when something doesn’t go 100% as he thinks it should. I love them all dearly, but that doesn’t change the fact that the day to day life can be extremely difficult, with just enough sweet moments to keep me from completely losing my mind.
Oh, and only a handful of friends know, but I asked for a divorce almost 2 months ago and am still going through the drama of dividing bills and assets and such with the soon-to-be ex while stuck under the same roof with him until the apartment he rented is finally open two more weeks from now. Those weeks need to hurry, because I’m struggling not to blow up over his seeming to have decided that he no longer needs to do anything at all around the house (including his own dishes, etc.) and beyond tired of knowing that anything and everything I do is going to be wrong in his eyes and met with snarky comments. I can’t solely blame him OR me, but it’s been a marriage made up of misery hidden behind fake smiles for many years.
Again, I definitely don’t intend to invalidate what the original poster is feeling, but yeah...the grass is definitely always greener on the other side, at least until you get to that side and realize it’s no better.
(Edit: I somehow thought I was at the end of the thread a couple of pages before the actual end, and realize now that the conversation has taken some different tracks, but ehh, I’m leaving it.)6 -
fastfoodietofitcutie wrote: »
I would be to embarrassed to do this. I would be afraid that everyone would think I’m pathetic for being old and alone. I really admire people who can be happy and don’t care what other people think. It’s something I really need to work on.
I've been to three big banquet hall style birthday parties. At no time did I think it was pathetic. It was joyous and wonderful, each time. No one was thinking about their marital status, just how wonderful the party was.
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xFunctionalStrengthx wrote: »This thread should be required reading for those considering marriage. Screw the church classes about marriage, or the therapists/counselors.
I won't get into the issues from a male perspective other than to say that what you women may be feeling, talk with your husband about them because it may not be what you're thinking. Guys, listen to wife/SO. Don't offer how you're going to fix it. Listen first, think about it and openly discuss the issues about how BOTH of you will work together and make it work. Lack of communication is the single most reason for marriages failing.
Finally, for those of you who are unhappy in your marriage: Leave. Don't stick around "for the kids". Don't be afraid that you'll be on your own. If you're going to stay in a sucky marriage, you aren't doing your kids any favours. You're showing them what a bad relationship is, and it may become their life because that is how they perceive things. Family will be there for you. Friends will as well.
You're probably thinking "Easier said than done". You're right, it is. But, it's better to go through the struggles and hardships, than it is to continually live a lie or be miserable. As others have said in this thread, it's better to be single and be happy than it is to be miserable and alone while "with" someone. Love is out there, you'll find it again.
100% agree with everything.
I must add, as a child of divorce, I was so much happier after the divorce. Staying together for the kids doesnt help the kids. My dad and step mom are doing that now and my brother and sister are unhappy.0 -
fastfoodietofitcutie wrote: »I love my family dearly but am feeling a little resentful today for having to shell out money again for a family occasion. I’m the oldest of four and unfortunately single. Over the years I have spent thousands on weddings, showers, bachelorette parties, baby showers, christening gifts, etc.. It’s not that I don’t want to celebrate their joyous occasions but I’m sad it will never be returned. In my mid 40’s, I’ll never have a baby and may never get married. It’s not that I’m keeping track of the money and want it back but it would be nice to be acknowledged that I’ve gone above and beyond over the years and have never been celebrated myself. I know that’s selfish. Just feeling sorry for myself today I guess as I’m on my way to celebrate another event that I’ll never have.
I am sorry you are feeling down about this. And on some level I understand. I was the youngest of 5, last to get married, last to have children. So for years until age 34 (became a mom) I was the go to person in the family for setting up parties, holding the parties and doling out for all of the things you list. I have a question for you. On your Birthday and at Christmas how many people in your family remember you? Or invite you over just to invite you over? There are many ways when people get together things can be celebrated. And reading all the input on this post made me stop and think about that. I now live in a different state that most of my family, but when we visit, we are literally asked to see everyone.
I read and laughed a bit about the input about being a parent/spouse as yes I went through that whole cycle and for the record teenagers OMG there is nothing anywhere like anger/depression/fun/ force of a teenager they make the terrible twos and threes seem like a breeze. Still married to same guy for 35 years now because we still love each other through rough times as well as easy times, keeping sense of humor intact at all times.0 -
xFunctionalStrengthx wrote: »This thread should be required reading for those considering marriage. Screw the church classes about marriage, or the therapists/counselors.
I won't get into the issues from a male perspective other than to say that what you women may be feeling, talk with your husband about them because it may not be what you're thinking. Guys, listen to wife/SO. Don't offer how you're going to fix it. Listen first, think about it and openly discuss the issues about how BOTH of you will work together and make it work. Lack of communication is the single most reason for marriages failing.
Finally, for those of you who are unhappy in your marriage: Leave. Don't stick around "for the kids". Don't be afraid that you'll be on your own. If you're going to stay in a sucky marriage, you aren't doing your kids any favours. You're showing them what a bad relationship is, and it may become their life because that is how they perceive things. Family will be there for you. Friends will as well.
You're probably thinking "Easier said than done". You're right, it is. But, it's better to go through the struggles and hardships, than it is to continually live a lie or be miserable. As others have said in this thread, it's better to be single and be happy than it is to be miserable and alone while "with" someone. Love is out there, you'll find it again.
100% agree with everything.
I must add, as a child of divorce, I was so much happier after the divorce. Staying together for the kids doesnt help the kids. My dad and step mom are doing that now and my brother and sister are unhappy.
Your parents dissolved their marriage. So your dad got into a second marriage. And now you want him to dissolve the second one.
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@leut_underpants wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »I have never thought about this aspect.
Coupla things:
Don’t buy your nieces and nephews birthday or Xmas gifts (if you do this already), your siblings will thank you. Trust me
Second, i can’t tell if this is about the money or if it’s just a reminder that you’re single and feel lonely but I just want to say that ‘having someone’ can be desperately lonely too. Marriage is not all it’s cracked up to be. Kids are generally jerks and any parent who says differently probably never actually spends time with their kids 😅. I’m currently engaged in a Mexican standoff with my husband over the dirty dishes and even though it’s been a few days, he still doesn’t even know that I’ve waged battle. I can’t remember the last time we had an engaging conversation. My son is a budding bully and I have to work with him constantly on empathy. My daughter is a martyr and an eternal victim and she’s only 7. Her favorite activity is throwing a tantrum. I spend most days irritable and resentful that I had kids ‘because that’s just what you do’. I know some day they’ll outgrow this but my daily mother’s guilt level is somewhere between self-loathing and a low-grade level of black despair.
Now. Several people might quote this and say “I love my marriage and kids” and that’s great. I’m glad. But the silent majority get it, although most of them are wise enough not to put it out so flatly like this. 😬
So I guess I’m saying.. the grass is always greener. You envy us. We envy you. But I can tell you that no amount of gifts I received for babies or showers or my wedding even come close to making up for what are decidedly my biggest regrets and the loss of my freedom.
Disclaimer: I love my kids. I do not regret their existence. But I truly hate being a parent and it’s something I need to work out so they never feel as though I resent them. *Edit* This is getting better as they get older, so there’s hope
Most important thing though: I have no intention of invalidating your feelings. I don’t mean to imply that you shouldn’t feel upset because others have it worse. I’m just trying to share the real life aspects of what you feel you’re missing out on.
This is my longest post ever.
tl;dr
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IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »xFunctionalStrengthx wrote: »This thread should be required reading for those considering marriage. Screw the church classes about marriage, or the therapists/counselors.
I won't get into the issues from a male perspective other than to say that what you women may be feeling, talk with your husband about them because it may not be what you're thinking. Guys, listen to wife/SO. Don't offer how you're going to fix it. Listen first, think about it and openly discuss the issues about how BOTH of you will work together and make it work. Lack of communication is the single most reason for marriages failing.
Finally, for those of you who are unhappy in your marriage: Leave. Don't stick around "for the kids". Don't be afraid that you'll be on your own. If you're going to stay in a sucky marriage, you aren't doing your kids any favours. You're showing them what a bad relationship is, and it may become their life because that is how they perceive things. Family will be there for you. Friends will as well.
You're probably thinking "Easier said than done". You're right, it is. But, it's better to go through the struggles and hardships, than it is to continually live a lie or be miserable. As others have said in this thread, it's better to be single and be happy than it is to be miserable and alone while "with" someone. Love is out there, you'll find it again.
100% agree with everything.
I must add, as a child of divorce, I was so much happier after the divorce. Staying together for the kids doesnt help the kids. My dad and step mom are doing that now and my brother and sister are unhappy.
Your parents dissolved their marriage. So your dad got into a second marriage. And now you want him to dissolve the second one.
Yes because they were both dysfunctional. There was no example of healthy marriage in either marriage. If the kids are miserable, why continue? I will also add that he rushed into a relationship with my now step mom before the divorce papers were even dry.1 -
I think that there's a big issue here, the fact that happiness seems so damn elusive. Whether you're married, divorced, single, a parent, or without children. Sometimes we think if things were different, then we would really be happy. But that's so false. You have to make an effort at happiness. You have to consciously decide to be happy. I don't really know when I will get there 100% myself but I do know that it's a gift when you find it.
9 -
Avocado_AS5 wrote: »I think that there's a big issue here, the fact that happiness seems so damn elusive. Whether you're married, divorced, single, a parent, or without children. Sometimes we think if things were different, then we would really be happy. But that's so false. You have to make an effort at happiness. You have to consciously decide to be happy. I don't really know when I will get there 100% myself but I do know that it's a gift when you find it.
I agree...its perspective...really...all joking aside3 -
Avocado_AS5 wrote: »I think that there's a big issue here, the fact that happiness seems so damn elusive. Whether you're married, divorced, single, a parent, or without children. Sometimes we think if things were different, then we would really be happy. But that's so false. You have to make an effort at happiness. You have to consciously decide to be happy. I don't really know when I will get there 100% myself but I do know that it's a gift when you find it.
Happiness is a Serious Problem.0 -
fastfoodietofitcutie wrote: »
I would be to embarrassed to do this. I would be afraid that everyone would think I’m pathetic for being old and alone. I really admire people who can be happy and don’t care what other people think. It’s something I really need to work on.
You 100% need to work on this.
I have never thought of my single friends as sad for celebrating their birthday, why would I? It makes no sense?1 -
I love my wife and I am happy with my married life.
Things could always be better of course, but life is what happens when you are trying to make other plans.
Sorry to hear some of you regret the choices you consciously made.
It is interesting to read that the problems seem to be mostly your spouse's and/or your kids' fault.
It clearly isn't because you might have failed to adequately communicate your expectations to/of them or set appropriate boundaries or goals.
Life -married or single- takes work to do well, just like getting fit.
Life is not a fairy tale and this goes double for "married life"
Like we say in my field: "If it was easy, everyone would be a black belt (or champion)."
* My wife approves of this message and concurs.
Yup. I failed to draw the line the first time he punched me. I take full responsibility for allowing it to get slowly and progressively worse from there. I failed to stand my ground sooner and allowed myself to believe that I was as worthless as he told me I was. But I did eventually become more flexible in the whole 'til death us do part' thing. Especially when it seemed to be my death and sooner than anticipated.
I am much happier now that I am single again9 -
@Versicolour wrote: »I love my wife and I am happy with my married life.
Things could always be better of course, but life is what happens when you are trying to make other plans.
Sorry to hear some of you regret the choices you consciously made.
It is interesting to read that the problems seem to be mostly your spouse's and/or your kids' fault.
It clearly isn't because you might have failed to adequately communicate your expectations to/of them or set appropriate boundaries or goals.
Life -married or single- takes work to do well, just like getting fit.
Life is not a fairy tale and this goes double for "married life"
Like we say in my field: "If it was easy, everyone would be a black belt (or champion)."
* My wife approves of this message and concurs.
Yup. I failed to draw the line the first time he punched me. I take full responsibility for allowing it to get slowly and progressively worse from there. I failed to stand my ground sooner and allowed myself to believe that I was as worthless as he told me I was. But I did eventually become more flexible in the whole 'til death us do part' thing. Especially when it seemed to be my death and sooner than anticipated.
I am much happier now that I am single again
Leaving someone is so much less black and white than people realize. It’s hard to write someone off when they’re only terrible some of the time. It’s very easy to absorb blame. And any psychological abuse shapes your view of yourself and it’s not easy to undo years of that in a single instant and say I’m done. They talk about the straw that breaks the camel’s back and that’s just it.. if the entire load is placed in one shot the poor thing would immediately buckle, but when it’s gradual, it just becomes the new norm. Meanwhile you have people telling you to just be more content as a person, reinforcing your belief that it is in fact just you, that you’re both the problem and the solution. Figuring out what’s real and what’s illusion takes a really, really long time.
I’m glad you figured it out when you did. I think you’re such a strong person and I admire you a lot. Thanks for posting.9 -
caco_ethes wrote: »@Versicolour wrote: »I love my wife and I am happy with my married life.
Things could always be better of course, but life is what happens when you are trying to make other plans.
Sorry to hear some of you regret the choices you consciously made.
It is interesting to read that the problems seem to be mostly your spouse's and/or your kids' fault.
It clearly isn't because you might have failed to adequately communicate your expectations to/of them or set appropriate boundaries or goals.
Life -married or single- takes work to do well, just like getting fit.
Life is not a fairy tale and this goes double for "married life"
Like we say in my field: "If it was easy, everyone would be a black belt (or champion)."
* My wife approves of this message and concurs.
Yup. I failed to draw the line the first time he punched me. I take full responsibility for allowing it to get slowly and progressively worse from there. I failed to stand my ground sooner and allowed myself to believe that I was as worthless as he told me I was. But I did eventually become more flexible in the whole 'til death us do part' thing. Especially when it seemed to be my death and sooner than anticipated.
I am much happier now that I am single again
Leaving someone is so much less black and white than people realize. It’s hard to write someone off when they’re only terrible some of the time. It’s very easy to absorb blame. And any psychological abuse shapes your view of yourself and it’s not easy to undo years of that in a single instant and say I’m done. They talk about the straw that breaks the camel’s back and that’s just it.. if the entire load is placed in one shot the poor thing would immediately buckle, but when it’s gradual, it just becomes the new norm. Meanwhile you have people telling you to just be more content as a person, reinforcing your belief that it is in fact just you, that you’re both the problem and the solution. Figuring out what’s real and what’s illusion takes a really, really long time.
I’m glad you figured it out when you did. I think you’re such a strong person and I admire you a lot. Thanks for posting.
Well said.2 -
caco_ethes wrote: »@Versicolour wrote: »I love my wife and I am happy with my married life.
Things could always be better of course, but life is what happens when you are trying to make other plans.
Sorry to hear some of you regret the choices you consciously made.
It is interesting to read that the problems seem to be mostly your spouse's and/or your kids' fault.
It clearly isn't because you might have failed to adequately communicate your expectations to/of them or set appropriate boundaries or goals.
Life -married or single- takes work to do well, just like getting fit.
Life is not a fairy tale and this goes double for "married life"
Like we say in my field: "If it was easy, everyone would be a black belt (or champion)."
* My wife approves of this message and concurs.
Yup. I failed to draw the line the first time he punched me. I take full responsibility for allowing it to get slowly and progressively worse from there. I failed to stand my ground sooner and allowed myself to believe that I was as worthless as he told me I was. But I did eventually become more flexible in the whole 'til death us do part' thing. Especially when it seemed to be my death and sooner than anticipated.
I am much happier now that I am single again
Leaving someone is so much less black and white than people realize. It’s hard to write someone off when they’re only terrible some of the time. It’s very easy to absorb blame. And any psychological abuse shapes your view of yourself and it’s not easy to undo years of that in a single instant and say I’m done. They talk about the straw that breaks the camel’s back and that’s just it.. if the entire load is placed in one shot the poor thing would immediately buckle, but when it’s gradual, it just becomes the new norm. Meanwhile you have people telling you to just be more content as a person, reinforcing your belief that it is in fact just you, that you’re both the problem and the solution. Figuring out what’s real and what’s illusion takes a really, really long time.
I’m glad you figured it out when you did. I think you’re such a strong person and I admire you a lot. Thanks for posting.
:smooched: I could not have said it better myself. Thank you. You are also one amazing woman 🤗2 -
Versicolour wrote: »I love my wife and I am happy with my married life.
Things could always be better of course, but life is what happens when you are trying to make other plans.
Sorry to hear some of you regret the choices you consciously made.
It is interesting to read that the problems seem to be mostly your spouse's and/or your kids' fault.
It clearly isn't because you might have failed to adequately communicate your expectations to/of them or set appropriate boundaries or goals.
Life -married or single- takes work to do well, just like getting fit.
Life is not a fairy tale and this goes double for "married life"
Like we say in my field: "If it was easy, everyone would be a black belt (or champion)."
* My wife approves of this message and concurs.
Yup. I failed to draw the line the first time he punched me. I take full responsibility for allowing it to get slowly and progressively worse from there. I failed to stand my ground sooner and allowed myself to believe that I was as worthless as he told me I was. But I did eventually become more flexible in the whole 'til death us do part' thing. Especially when it seemed to be my death and sooner than anticipated.
I am much happier now that I am single again
It's not your fault. If you don't lock your door, and someone robs the house while you are away, you aren't at fault. It is the fault of the robber.
There was a competitive MMA woman - like, she literally fought competitively, and was in an abusive relationship. That's like having 15 locks on the door, and still got robbed. It's always the fault of the abuser.
https://www.msn.com/en-ph/lifestyle/marriage/i-was-an-mma-fighter-e2-80-94-and-a-victim-of-domestic-abuse/ar-BBNRxMi
I'm sure I mentioned the first thing - if you are physically safe in the relationship. You were not. You were right to leave, and I'm sure that took a lot of courage.
Best wishes to you.
2 -
caco_ethes wrote: »@Versicolour wrote: »I love my wife and I am happy with my married life.
Things could always be better of course, but life is what happens when you are trying to make other plans.
Sorry to hear some of you regret the choices you consciously made.
It is interesting to read that the problems seem to be mostly your spouse's and/or your kids' fault.
It clearly isn't because you might have failed to adequately communicate your expectations to/of them or set appropriate boundaries or goals.
Life -married or single- takes work to do well, just like getting fit.
Life is not a fairy tale and this goes double for "married life"
Like we say in my field: "If it was easy, everyone would be a black belt (or champion)."
* My wife approves of this message and concurs.
Yup. I failed to draw the line the first time he punched me. I take full responsibility for allowing it to get slowly and progressively worse from there. I failed to stand my ground sooner and allowed myself to believe that I was as worthless as he told me I was. But I did eventually become more flexible in the whole 'til death us do part' thing. Especially when it seemed to be my death and sooner than anticipated.
I am much happier now that I am single again
Leaving someone is so much less black and white than people realize. It’s hard to write someone off when they’re only terrible some of the time. It’s very easy to absorb blame. And any psychological abuse shapes your view of yourself and it’s not easy to undo years of that in a single instant and say I’m done. They talk about the straw that breaks the camel’s back and that’s just it.. if the entire load is placed in one shot the poor thing would immediately buckle, but when it’s gradual, it just becomes the new norm. Meanwhile you have people telling you to just be more content as a person, reinforcing your belief that it is in fact just you, that you’re both the problem and the solution. Figuring out what’s real and what’s illusion takes a really, really long time.
I’m glad you figured it out when you did. I think you’re such a strong person and I admire you a lot. Thanks for posting.
Great Post.
Perfectly Said.
... don't get cocky.
4 -
IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »Versicolour wrote: »I love my wife and I am happy with my married life.
Things could always be better of course, but life is what happens when you are trying to make other plans.
Sorry to hear some of you regret the choices you consciously made.
It is interesting to read that the problems seem to be mostly your spouse's and/or your kids' fault.
It clearly isn't because you might have failed to adequately communicate your expectations to/of them or set appropriate boundaries or goals.
Life -married or single- takes work to do well, just like getting fit.
Life is not a fairy tale and this goes double for "married life"
Like we say in my field: "If it was easy, everyone would be a black belt (or champion)."
* My wife approves of this message and concurs.
Yup. I failed to draw the line the first time he punched me. I take full responsibility for allowing it to get slowly and progressively worse from there. I failed to stand my ground sooner and allowed myself to believe that I was as worthless as he told me I was. But I did eventually become more flexible in the whole 'til death us do part' thing. Especially when it seemed to be my death and sooner than anticipated.
I am much happier now that I am single again
It's not your fault. If you don't lock your door, and someone robs the house while you are away, you aren't at fault. It is the fault of the robber.
There was a competitive MMA woman - like, she literally fought competitively, and was in an abusive relationship. That's like having 15 locks on the door, and still got robbed. It's always the fault of the abuser.
https://www.msn.com/en-ph/lifestyle/marriage/i-was-an-mma-fighter-e2-80-94-and-a-victim-of-domestic-abuse/ar-BBNRxMi
I'm sure I mentioned the first thing - if you are physically safe in the relationship. You were not. You were right to leave, and I'm sure that took a lot of courage.
Best wishes to you.
This is so true. Thank you for sharing that. I sometimes feel like I should never have let myself get into that situation; after all, I had a black belt. But I did. But I also got myself out and I deserve another black belt for that!2 -
Seems like in 2018 it should be seen more as a blessing to be single. Whenever I hang out with married couples for the day I feel soooo grateful that I'm single. Omg. I drive home with all the windows rolled down and the wind sounds like it's communicating to me that I have achieved absolute personal freedom. Try it out, I'm telling ya!6
-
I have been both married and single. There are advantages to each. There are also disadvantages to each. I would not trade my son for the world, so I am glad I got married and he was born out of that relationship. It was very sad when I ended my marriage, but it was best for me and best for my son.
I am not against getting married again. I learned a lot from both being married and being single again. I know I can take care of me and the kid no matter what. I did have to learn how to be content in both statuses and where to drawn the line. It is different for everyone.3
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