I’m surrounded by Stepford wives

jebagby2014

Actually, even worse...Stepford ex wives. Women who look perfect and are now on the dating scene as my competition. I’m 40 and divorced and I live in a town where there’s a lot of money and pretty people. Out of my three closest friends only two of them work and one doesn’t even have to. They can take the time to work out during the week and actually cook dinner and lunch every day. I work 9 hour days and my office is a 100 mile round trip. I don’t move from my desk much even eating lunch at it, I’m just too busy. I don’t get home until 7:45 and by then I just want to have fun and go out (hello loaded cheese fries and ranch) or scarf something down from a drive-thru because I just traveled an hour and a half and I don’t feel like cooking. I’m not blaming or judging my friends or the perfectly quaffed women in my town for how I look and my bad habits-I’m just discouraged that I don’t think I’ll ever turn heads like them. And frankly I’m jealous that they don’t have to work.

So I’m starting to go grocery shopping on the weekends and make my dinner on Saturday or Sunday so I have something ready to go when I come home from a long day. That’s worked out well so far. I wiped the dust off of the old treadmill and I’ve walked four miles so far this week! I’m down a pound - woot! A whole pound. But you know what, it’s something. I’m 256 pounds and I actually embrace my curves but I want to turn heads, you know? I want to know what that feels like. My goal is to be down to 200 or below by the fall. The toughest part is going to be when I go out. Ugh I love my Miller Lites...and my martinis from the sugar rimmed lemon drop to the oh so yummy espresso martini. Martinis are big in my town. And so is beer if you hit up one of our finer dive bars. Which I do. Dont let me play darts though I have been known to nearly take the lights out.

I was recently broken up with by a guy who I really liked which happens to the best of us. But, I saw him talking to this woman (it’s a small town, can’t get away from anyone) and she was gorgeous. And I thought, as nice, funny, smart and successful as I am, I will not get a guys attention like a good set of boobs and a small backside. I mean my boobs are great but hers were solid. I decided then and there I am going to work on getting my revenge body. I haven’t always been so heavy and I heard muscles have memory and let’s hope my muscles remember. We’ll see.

Anyone else on a revenge body kick? Or surrounded by women looking like they’re on their way to audition for NBC news or a J Crew photo shoot? I hope someone can relate and we can keep each other motivated. Did I mention in the summer everyone goes boating? Swimsuits people!

Anyway, it’d help to know I’m not alone and maybe we can encourage each other not to order the loaded cheese fries or espresso martini or whatever your vice is. And to not compare ourselves to others and focus on our own goals.

TavistockToad

Maybe find some sort of exercise for fun instead of going to a bar every night?

snowflake954

Stop comparing yourself to everyone in town--they will win, there are more of them. You do you. Period. Weigh and measure everything you eat and DRINK, get a digital food scale. Stay within your calorie goal everyday. Find other ways to have fun. Good luck.

kbmnurse1

Sounds like you need to rid yourself of the toxicity. Why not make a move closer to work and away from the "Stepford" witches?

chelny

I don't drink a lot, more so during football season. But I fully plan on making room in my life for a couple of light beers on a weekly basis. I don't know how those compare with martini calorie-wise. You can do it.

I second the idea of finding a fun exercise outlet, such as an ultimate frisbee team or soccer club or yoga class or whatever interests you. I have been interested in learning to row, but haven't taken the opportunity. And then walking on the treadmill the other days. I, too, have a long commute, although not quite as bad as yours. I'm making small changes here and there and trying to develop discipline for the greater good.

I'm not doing this for revenge. I just want to be healthy. So, I can't relate to that part. I've never been the pretty girl, but I do have a good man. I think especially when we get into our 40s, there are men who care more about good companionship than a hot bod. But everyone has their own tastes. What kind of man are you looking for? Surely you're not only interested in the exterior?

missysippy930

kbmnurse1 wrote: »

Sounds like you need to rid yourself of the toxicity. Why not make a move closer to work and away from the "Stepford" witches?

I agree. There are a lot of people worthy of knowing in the world, that aren’t Stepford People. Just average great people. Maybe your non-working friends envy your career. Why not make a move closer to your work? More time to work on “you”, eliminating a long commute.

Cassandraw3

I would recommend you try lifting weights. It has really helped me with body confidence and building some curves. I went from having a flat butt to having a booty. It has also made me much more concerned with what my body is capable of vs the number on the scale.

mgalsf12

I often joke about a revenge body, but in all honesty you have to do it for you, not for anyone but yourself. You'll feel more confident. I agree with moving closer to your job. Do you realize that every month you're spending 60 hours commuting? That's 720 hours a year! Which means you spend an entire month just sitting in your car commuting, that's a lot of time that you could be doing something else.

jebagby2014

Thanks for the comments! My commute is ridiculous but I wouldn’t want to live near work. Where I live is small town but it’s pretty and on the water. Gives me an escape from the craziness of work and the city.

At the end of the day the revenge body I hope to have will be for me. But it’s my current motivation so I’m going to use it to keep me going.

I will try lifting weights! Any particular exercise that you found worked best @Cassandraw3 ?

jebagby2014

@chelny agreed - I need to find something else to do for fun, thanks for the suggestions. And I do hope to find someone who is looking for something deeper than the exterior. I certainly look past that. The top five things I’m looking for are attributes not physical characteristics. The guy for me will feel the same. Looks fade. But I’m also a realist, there’s got to be physical attraction too and so I’m trying to even the playing field by trimming myself down a bit. I know I’m good on the inside, I just need the opportunity to show people that.

funjen1972

Maybe take the time to know these women and realize they are people, just like everyone else. Their appearance does not define them just as your appearance does not define you. All too often we judge people based on their hair style or jeans size when we really should be looking at personalities, heart, integrity, and general awesomeness.

Annie_01

I don't understand...what specifically have these 3 women done to you? I don't understand why you resent them so much other than maybe they are where you would like to be...at least you think you want to be where they are. No one's life is perfect. They might have problems that you know nothing about.

Anger and resentment takes to much time and energy. Time and energy that you could be using to accomplish what you want for your own life.

Cassandraw3

jebagby2014 wrote: »

Thanks for the comments! My commute is ridiculous but I wouldn’t want to live near work. Where I live is small town but it’s pretty and on the water. Gives me an escape from the craziness of work and the city.

At the end of the day the revenge body I hope to have will be for me. But it’s my current motivation so I’m going to use it to keep me going.

I will try lifting weights! Any particular exercise that you found worked best @Cassandraw3 ?

The below post has a wide range of lifting programs to choose from.

https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10332083/which-lifting-program-is-the-best-for-you/p1

There are several on MFP that recommend the StrongCurves program for building glutes. I personally prefer using barbell movements (deadlift, squats, snatch, bench press, etc.). As a beginner, I would recommend getting a personal trainer to make sure you have proper form when starting out.

Dandylines

I am with some of the other commentators. Learn to like who you are. Stop comparing. Decide on what you want and improve for yourself. You will always find someone who you perceive to be better looking, accomplished, etc. Except they are not and you will find they are comparing themselves to someone else. Do some personal work and then look at men that will appreciate you for you (I did and it made all the difference.) I am so much happier when I let comparisons go.

julesdechaine

This actually makes me really sad for you. Before you attempt to tackle the outside, start working on your insides. You seem very disgruntled and bitter, and I don't mean to be harsh with that. You are judging people pretty meanly, and because a guy was talking to a pretty woman, you broke up with him?

Comparing yourself to others will literally destroy you. Focus on all the positive attributes you possess, and grow from there.

If your only motivation is revenge, you will not be successful.

jebagby2014

@TavistockToad I didn’t mean to give the impression I drink every night. I actually very rarely drink when I have to work the next day. But I do go out on weekends. Counting calories has helped me think about what I’m consuming and alcohol has so many calories it makes me take note whereas before I’d just let loose. I don’t want to not go out with my friends so I need to find a way to be social but not over do it.

jebagby2014

@Cassandraw3 thank you!

jebagby2014

@Annie_01 Thanks for your comment. My friends have done nothing but be good friends to me and I don’t resent them; I was being honest with myself and was feeling discouraged by how much I work and how much time I spend on the road which I need to try to work around to get healthy. I am not going to move closer to work so it’s something I need to deal with. Luckily though my boss recently agreed to let me work from home twice a week! I’m hoping that will inspire me to do something good for myself those nights when I’d normally be on the road!

whmscll

Are there any hiking or other outdoor activity-related Meetup groups in your area? I have met some of my best friends (and my husband) while hiking.

jebagby2014

@julesdechaine Thanks for your comment. I don’t mean to come off as disgruntled - my sense of humor must not have translated well. I’m just discouraged. I didn’t break up with that guy, he broke up with me and it hurt me to see him talking to a girl that I feel like I could never look like. I know not to compare myself but it’s hard not to sometimes. We didn’t break up over looks of course-it was actually over our schedules but it made me jealous. I’m putting myself way out there because I know it doesn’t matter in my heart what anyone looks like including myself but I’m having a bout with insecurity.

jebagby2014

@whmscll good idea! Yes we have those.

jebagby2014

@chelny Bu the way you should definitely try rowing! That actually sounds like a fun way to get toned!

jebagby2014

It’s not all in my head, I had a guy tell me he’d be happy to have a physical relationship with me but as far as girlfriend material, I don’t have “the look” he’s going for. Naturally comments like this knock back who I know I am and my confidence to put myself out there.

ultra_violets

All of these feelings are understandable but they broke my heart a little. Comparison is the thief of joy. There's always going to be someone younger/prettier/fitter/healthier/richer than you. So what? The only one who determines your self-worth is you. Not this man, not some guy in a bar. If you make changes, do it for you. Because you love yourself, because you want the best for yourself. I don't know if a change in jobs is possible, or even a change of location, but it sounds like you really could use a fresh start. Be proud of who you are. You're independent, you work hard, you answer to no one. It's your name on your bank account, it's your car you drive to work. I've seen the trophy wives driving the Land Rovers their hubbies bought them and I don't want to be one of them. I'd rather take the bus than depend on a man to pay my bills. Just quit focusing on everyone else and focus on you. I get that it's hard to eat healthy when you're tired from a long day and a long drive, but it is possible! You got this.

MichelleWithMoxie

You must live in SoCal 😆

KimberlyCapone

julesdechaine wrote: »

This actually makes me really sad for you. Before you attempt to tackle the outside, start working on your insides. You seem very disgruntled and bitter, and I don't mean to be harsh with that. You are judging people pretty meanly, and because a guy was talking to a pretty woman, you broke up with him?

Comparing yourself to others will literally destroy you. Focus on all the positive attributes you possess, and grow from there.

If your only motivation is revenge, you will not be successful.

Thank you for posting this. Self love is SO important. There will always be someone prettier, funnier, and smarter than you - but there is not another you.

MikePTY

I would try not to get yourself into the comparison mode, or the "revenge" mode. I know that sometimes it is hard to avoid it, but I would focus on worrying what is best for you, and not about how you compare to everyone else. Comparison is the thief of joy. There will always be someone out there skinnier, prettier, more in shape, etc. If we try to measure our value based on others we will always fall short.

Rather focus on making improvements for yourself. A diet with a reasonable calorie deficit is all you need (exercise is good too but it is a plus) and you can make changes and progress. Focus on doing those things for you, and I am confident you can have results.

tattoomary

I think you sound like a great fun person....Id love a friend like you We all get bouts of insecurity, keep you head up get a bit of 'me' time and all will come good.

jebagby2014

Thanks for the kind comments!

tracieknits

For me, drinking will tank all of my effort in weight loss. Especially sugary cocktails and beer. I had to learn to like very dry wine, or gin in seltzer with a twist of lime or grapefruit. Far fewer calories and carbs! When I was over 270, I was really eating so much crap, and I didn't really realize how bad it was. And I was depressed. Well when I started eating better (i.e. half the plate green vegetables, most of my meals from scratch), I started feeling so much better. And *that* helped me stay on track for weight loss.

I'm not perfect, but it's 8 years later and I'm still down over 50 pounds. I've been down as far as 74 pounds down but I've been enjoying too much wine and gin over the past year. So I'm cutting back and getting serious again.

We have a lot of stepford wives here too and I'm frankly glad I don't have to compete. But let me tell you something - you want a guy who cares about more than looks.

girlwithcurls2

You know, for me, when the switch finally clicked and I was able to more easily stick to my plan, part of my mentality was that I couldn't GAIN any more. I was absolutely NOT shopping for clothes in a bigger size even though my current size was so tight. I decided that night to start logging and sticking to a number of calories (thank goodness the smarter/wiser mfp folks told me that 1200 cal was not a reasonable goal). From there, I just thought, "Well, I've got nowhere to go but toward better health!" It was kind of freeing to just forget about the scale, the clothes, etc, and trust the process. 10 weeks later, I realized that I was able to pull my jeans down without unbuttoning them. It can be done. If you make the decision to make some changes for your own health, then you have all the time in the world to get it done.

Hang in there. You sound like a super fun person and a catch. Just keep working on you