i feel defeated

shw112

Hello everyone, i need to rant (sorry in advance)
I feel like i have an obsession with food and weight that is taking over my life. I literally started gaining weight when i was about 8 years old, had reached 200 pounds by the time i was 17, then lost 50 when i was 19 (out of the 60 i wanted to lose). So weight has always been a real issue for me. I don't know what its like not to have problems with food. I was the fat girl at school, I got into the habit of constantly overeating so early in life that until i started losing weight I didn't know what real hunger felt like.

Since i lost the 50 pounds, I am a 'normal' weight for the first time in my life. My BMI is 22. Technically i am healthy, but I don't have the body I want. I still have a lot of excess fat that I want to lose, that I have been trying to lose for almost 2 years, and i KEEP FAILING. Everyone keeps telling me that I should just let it go, that I am thin now and i should just start living my life and let go of the whole 'fat girl' thing. but I can't. I feel huge. I can't wear the things i want, i don't have a flat stomach, I have loose skin on my arms, there are just so many things wrong with my body that i obsess over. I would go so far as to say that my body bothers me more than it did when i was fat. back then i'd given up caring what I looked like, now i want to take pride my appearance, but i hate it.

I still have constant food cravings, i feel like i am exercising constant willpower just to not eat all the time, i never ever stop thinking about food, whether its how much i have eaten that day, what i will eat later, what i am allowed to eat and what i'm not. and i still overeat regularly, sometimes until i feel physically sick. I don't even know why i do it.

At the moment I am a student, my degree doesn't particularly inspire me and I don't put as much effort into it as i should. I have isolated myself at uni because i feel too insecure to talk to people. I don't want to go out clubbing because i feel fat. I have a handful of friends but i don't even feel like we have that much in common. I have really good friends back home but i worry that they are all moving on with their lives without me, and sometimes i worry that i'll just become uninteresting to them because i don't do enough and i never have anything to say when i see them. So food has become the best part of my day. I know how lame that sounds, but genuinely i feel sometimes like it's the only thing that makes me happy. So i have too much of it. and then i worry obsessively that i will gain all the weight back.

I work a part-time job in a supermarket, so i spend a lot of time there and genuinely just constantly seeing the array of food that is available to buy stresses me out. It makes me anxious that there is so much food available, that there is nothing stopping me from buying it and eating it. I know what a first world problem this is, and i know how whiney i sound right now.

At the beginning of the year i was so at a loss as to what to do about my weight that i decided to try out 'alternate day fasting'. I fasted every other day for a month, thinking this would be the solution because i would only have to restrict 50% of the time. It ended up making me even more obsessed with food, and i also lost my period from doing it which freaked me out so i stopped. And then binged for a week straight. And then gained the weight back.

I'm just in a really bad mood today because i went out for a run intending to do a 5k, but I gave up at the 3k mark despite knowing full well that i'd run 5k plenty of times before and i could have made it to the end if i'd just not been so pathetic about it. I just feel like a failure. I want to have a life that is more than just worrying about calories and hating myself for eating. i don't even know if being 'skinny' will actually bring me the happiness i always thought it would. If that won't then i don't know what will.

sorry this has been so long, i just needed to write it down i think
hope you're all doing well

cmriverside

The biggest problem is the stories you are telling yourself.

Change the story. I hope you will see someone who can help you, this is all fixable. Don't torture yourself with your own thinking.

88olds

When I was young I made a big mistake pursuing weight loss when I needed fitness.
And there’s a lot more to fitness than cardio. Keep an open mind.

sammidelvecchio

I have been where you are. It is really common to still see yourself as overweight even when you've lost all of it. Therapy really helps me - just having someone I can talk to and knowing they won't judge me but only try to help me.

puffbrat

Have you considered talking to a counselor at your school about your insecurities and concerns about food? There is absolutely no reason you should let your weight or other insecurities about your body keep you from going out and having fun or opening up and making new friends.

Also, take a look at these threads
https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10177803/recomposition-maintaining-weight-while-losing-fat
https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/1161603/so-you-want-a-nice-stomach/p1
https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10332083/which-lifting-program-is-the-best-for-you/p1

puffbrat

I meant to add that I now where you are coming from. I have spent my entire life being or at least feeling like the fat kid and letting it prevent me from making more friends and doing more activities with people when I was in school. Now that I'm 34, I wish I had been kinder to myself and just gone out more and had fun regardless. I was definitely holding myself back.

Annie_01

Letting go of things from the past is hard. People can tells us...we even tell ourselves...to let it go. Those things are not who we are today nor should they define our future. Sounds good...we know it is true...but our minds take over...just as you think you have made progress. We find ourselves right back to those times that we are trying so hard to escape from.

I am 66 y/o and I remember certain times even in my childhood...I can even see them in my mind...things that set the tone for my entire life. Most of the time I deal with them yet when I get tired, stressed, discouraged they come flooding back. 28 years ago some things were said to me and then tragic events occurred that have set the tone for my life still today. I don't think of them every day by no means but they still crop up when I least expect it.

What I am trying to say is...many of us face those same demons of seeing ourselves as not worthy. We have to find ways to combat it...to keep moving forward. Don't give up fighting your battles. Seek help to find your answers. Keep putting one foot in front of the other even when you don't want to.

Having said all of this about how hard it is to get past our demons I think sometimes we stay where we are by choice. It seems easier in a way. We are used to these feeling...they have become a part of who we are. A life without those demons seems strange as if we wouldn't know how to go about our lives without them. Plus where do we start...what do we do...it is all about the unknown. So we stay where we are because it is familiar even though those demons makes us sad.

IDK...I understand...wanting to move forward but not sure of the path in which to do that.

I wish you well and I hope that at some point you find the light to see you down the path to healing.