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Fair to Request “No Junk Food” at HOME?
80CATS
Posts: 26 Member
in Debate Club
So, hubbz and I are both overweight BIG EATERS, I am actively trying to lose, he is not actively trying to, but does work out regularly.
Anyway, I have asked that we not bring junk food into the house, but rather go out for single servings when we want those foods (ie: hit an ice cream shop and savor a cone rather than keeping ice cream in freezer, etc). This helps me *tremendously*, as I am a recovering binge eater and a NIGHTTIME eater (anyone else who suffers this knows it’s so hard to control, like being a zombie, so making sure there’s no junk in the kitchen to sleep-eat has been very helpful to me).
We have no kids (CFBC), eat out fairly often, and definitely get our TREAT on...just outside the home...
Last night, I found a pkg of peanut M&Ms he had “hidden” (poorly LOL), and asked him to stick them in his car—which he happily obliged—it got me worrying though that my request is maybe unfair? I asked him if he felt “oppressed” by my request, and he kept insisting it was no big deal, but I just wanted some outside opinions:
IS IT FAIR TO KINDLY REQUEST that my (fellow plus sized) partner refrain from bringing junk food in house?
TL; DR: fair to ask others to honor a “no junk in the house” rule?
Anyway, I have asked that we not bring junk food into the house, but rather go out for single servings when we want those foods (ie: hit an ice cream shop and savor a cone rather than keeping ice cream in freezer, etc). This helps me *tremendously*, as I am a recovering binge eater and a NIGHTTIME eater (anyone else who suffers this knows it’s so hard to control, like being a zombie, so making sure there’s no junk in the kitchen to sleep-eat has been very helpful to me).
We have no kids (CFBC), eat out fairly often, and definitely get our TREAT on...just outside the home...
Last night, I found a pkg of peanut M&Ms he had “hidden” (poorly LOL), and asked him to stick them in his car—which he happily obliged—it got me worrying though that my request is maybe unfair? I asked him if he felt “oppressed” by my request, and he kept insisting it was no big deal, but I just wanted some outside opinions:
IS IT FAIR TO KINDLY REQUEST that my (fellow plus sized) partner refrain from bringing junk food in house?
TL; DR: fair to ask others to honor a “no junk in the house” rule?
16
Replies
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There are two of you in the house, so some compromise from both sides is in order.
- Look into low-calorie substitutes for both of your favorite fun-foods that will make you both happy?
- Tell him he needs to hide his stash better? (He can keep in the house, but if you find it, you can toss it.) I'm not sure this is the best advice, as you'll know there's junk in the house ... but it is a compromise.12 -
I think it's fair to ask. I don't think it's fair to demand (not saying you did), and I think options like having personal shelves that are off limits to the other or hiding it (with an agreement you won't look for it) or in the car are all fine too. But in this case you asked, he said he was fine with it, so it seems to be a good solution.25
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Since you’re recovering from an eating disorder I don’t think it’s unfair.
Otherwise I wouldn’t think it’s fair to him that he has to pull missions just to eat M&Ms.
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For us I've asked hubby to keep foods I can't control myself around (chips and certain types of cookies) at work and other foods like candy he keeps in a bin that is his, telling myself it is HIS keeps me away from it. We have talked about it though, I did not demand it, just asked if he would be ok with that and he was totally fine. A discussion needs to be had rather than just giving an order, it makes the other person feel like they are being respected.16
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BattyKnitter wrote: »For us I've asked hubby to keep foods I can't control myself around (chips and certain types of cookies) at work and other foods like candy he keeps in a bin that is his, telling myself it is HIS keeps me away from it. We have talked about it though, I did not demand it, just asked if he would be ok with that and he was totally fine. A discussion needs to be had rather than just giving an order, it makes the other person feel like they are being respected.
I'm with @battyknitter on this. What's always worked best for my wife and I is to have very open dialogue regarding weight, fitness, and food and it's worked very well for us through our ten years together (six married). Now, neither of us have been in a position to need to lose significant amounts of weight, we both enjoy active hobbies (she's runs, I lift and run 5/10Ks with her occasionally) and we've said from the beginning we would hold each other accountable when it comes to weight and generally being healthy. It's certainly been an iterative process to find exactly what works for us but working together we typically arrive at what's "good enough" for us in terms of what and how much we eat. There have been times where we consistently grocery shopped together for better odds that one of us would be a voice of reason if the other put oreos or other "junk" in the cart.6 -
If it were an all out ban, yes. But it sounds like you are ok with him having his own stash. I think that is ok and my husband and I have a similar agreement. He keeps his treats out of my line of sight to help me out, but I don't expect him to have no treats at all. Luckily he is much taller than me, so he gets the top shelf of the cabinet and it works well for us.8
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I don't think it is unfair, but maybe a good compromise measure is for him to have a special drawer that is his (with a lock that only be has the key for it need be if you still find it difficult to control), and that he doesn't eat it around you.9
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I think its unfair.
I live with a person (not my spouse/partner) who is not dieting. There is no way I would ever ask him to not buy his favorite foods and snacks because I'm on a diet. He has a stash of about 15 boxes of Girl Scout cookies in the freezer along with some mini chocolate candy bars and ice cream. In the pantry he keeps chips, pretzels, packaged cookies, etc. He regularly brings cake and pie into the house and he also bakes his own desserts.
It's his food, not mine and I leave it alone. We are both grown *kitten* adults and can have whatever we want. My diet is on me to maintain; not him.25 -
If he says it is no big deal, respect him enough to believe him.
It’s a tad excessive to keep bringing it up.17 -
I think it is fair to ask and reasonable to have a conversation. If he is ok with it and you two are both willing to find compromises that you can both accommodate, I don't see a problem. I think it would be unfair for you to just outright ban it from the house or demand he fall in line without asking or talking about it, but that doesn't sound like what you are doing.7
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Great responses all around —some great suggestions too! Thanks for the feedback everyone 😎👍🏽7
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What works best for my husband and me...having just very specific "junk" that we avoid keeping in the house.
I responded in more detail on another thread I can't find right now. But for example, I can't control myself around Oreos and he can't limit portions on ice cream. So we have other "treats" and junk in the house, just not those categories specifically. Neither of us care much about chips so when we do have those, it's not an issue. And so on.
Btw we're CFBC too (I rarely see that mentioned here)! Cheers.5 -
It's totally fair to ask your spouse to support you but not brining in the food. It will be a help for him too.5
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When I first started losing weight, there were a few trigger foods that I just couldn't trust myself around. If they were in the house - even if I told myself they weren't "mine," or hidden - I *knew* they were there somewhere and it drove me nuts! Just not having them staring me in the face simply wasn't enough.
Hubby agreed to not have them around for a while. He works all day, so was perfectly capable of getting and eating these things while not at home. I work from home, so this compromise worked well.
After a few months, when I had broken the habit of 'mindless munching,' we re-introduced these things but in single serve portions. I thought I would still go nuts having them around again, but I didn't. My mindset had changed likely because I was seeing so much progress with my weight loss efforts.
I reached my goal weight 3 years ago, and have been in maintenance for over a year, now. Those things that I didn't used to be able to control? They are in the house now all the time. I can enjoy them in moderation and make room in my calorie budget every day for a little treat or two.
tl;dr? You *can* teach an old dog new tricks.
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As long as I blamed others for what I put in my mouth I stayed obese.29
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Explain to your husband what you shared with us about the background and reasoning. If he’s ok with it, as he seems to be, great. If doesn’t like it, or is unwilling to cooperate, then a compromise will be needed.2
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I think it is wonderful and thoughtful that your hubby won't mind keeping his junk in the car. Would someone keep alcohol in the house if an alcoholic lived there? I don't think so. A compulsive overeater may try his best not to eat the junk in the house but if they have that "need/urge" that is just so hard to stop, the junk being in the house makes it just so much harder and a struggle.11
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texasredreb wrote: »I think its unfair.
I live with a person (not my spouse/partner) who is not dieting. There is no way I would ever ask him to not buy his favorite foods and snacks because I'm on a diet. He has a stash of about 15 boxes of Girl Scout cookies in the freezer along with some mini chocolate candy bars and ice cream. In the pantry he keeps chips, pretzels, packaged cookies, etc. He regularly brings cake and pie into the house and he also bakes his own desserts.
It's his food, not mine and I leave it alone. We are both grown *kitten* adults and can have whatever we want. My diet is on me to maintain; not him.
I see that as a different scenario.
Not being partners, your food is more obviously 'mine and yours' which is often not the case with spouses.
Also people tend to ask spouses, and spouses tend to be more accomodating to requests, because they are more invested in each other.
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My partner bought home one of those 150g of crisps on Friday night. I didnt know until I came down to the kitchen on saturday morning. Half the bag was left and left on the side. I threw them in the bin. I cannot have crisps in the house, I dont even like them but I will sit there and eat them. I was a bit cross about it.21
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My partner bought home one of those 150g of crisps on Friday night. I didnt know until I came down to the kitchen on saturday morning. Half the bag was left and left on the side. I threw them in the bin. I cannot have crisps in the house, I dont even like them but I will sit there and eat them. I was a bit cross about it.
Did you two have a conversation about this before because, truthfully, I think that was a bit out of line and selfish. It's nice to have that support (like the guy ok with keeping the trigger food somewhere only he can get to it) but to outright just throw your partner's food away?25 -
My partner bought home one of those 150g of crisps on Friday night. I didnt know until I came down to the kitchen on saturday morning. Half the bag was left and left on the side. I threw them in the bin. I cannot have crisps in the house, I dont even like them but I will sit there and eat them. I was a bit cross about it.
If I were your husband I would be a bit cross myself..
Unless you both already had an agreement and he had agreed to not bringing such food home and to you throwing it out if he did
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No, you are each adults and can make your own decisions.11
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I think of it this way.
If you and your husband talked about it, or you simply made the request and he's good with it, it's absolutely fine. Because this is an issue for you, when you are trying hard to do something important to you, and all this is basically a request for assistance from him.
There is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with saying: I need help from my loved one. Or asking for that help.
And yeah, sometimes that help requires extra effort on our loved one's parts, but that's something most of us are willing to do. We stay up late with a friend who is studying for a test, we set up our house in a pattern so our blind child doesn't trip over things, we don't get a cat because our husband is allergic, and so on.
Is it something that he wouldn't do without this request? Probably.
Is it too much to ask? Doesn't seem like it. You are not trying to control him; you are trying to request, well, I think of it like an accommodation to help you with something you are struggling with. That is not too much to ask, from the person who loves you and who decided to spend his life with you, you know?
If you had said he wasn't allowed to eat any junk food, anywhere, because YOU were dieting (which I have actually seen partners do), THAT would be unfair. That's wanting to control someone else in ways that don't relate to you.
But as long as you guys talk - I mean, being truly open if he talks about having a problem with it, so that you support him and he supports you, you know? Then it sounds fine.
And also, re: the one response about being a grown adult and just deal with it? IMHO, that only works if everyone, everywhere, is perfect. And we're not. We all have things we're good at, and things we're not. And we can help each other with things we're not good at, you know? Sure, maybe you could, with much, much effort, MAYBE resist the urge to eat at night.
But...your partner could also make your life a little easier, like we always hope family will do for each other, you know?
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When I first started eating healthier to lose weight, it was very difficult to be around sweets because I hadn’t yet completely transitioned out of that “eat-whatever-I-want-free-for-all” mindset. After a couple weeks of steady weight loss under my belt, I had the motivation and willpower to ignore the extra chips/cookies/etc that were in my house. On occasion I’m frustrated (envious?) watching other family members snacking or chowing down on cake with reckless abandon when I don’t have the budgeted calories to over-indulge in it as well, but 99% of the time it doesn’t phase me.
I don’t think it’s unfair to *ask* (not demand) that your husband either not have it in the house or to hide it extremely well (don’t let him tell you which option he chooses so that you don’t go hunting for it!). You have a diagnosed disorder with sleep-eating that you have not yet overcome. I don’t think it’s unfair to ask your husband to help you with what is considered a medical issue. And if your hubby says it doesn’t bother him, take him at his word. It is typically women who say they are “fine” when they usually are not (in my experience). If your husband said he was not OK with keeping his snacks out of sight, it would be a different story. Be thankful you have a very supportive husband— he sounds like a good guy who wants to help his wife succeed.
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I think it's fair to ask, but agree with others it's an ask the other people in the house need to be on board with. It's not necessarily something we can demand. At our house, we keep minimal junk and the compromise is buying things that don't tempt me but that he still loves. Flavors of ice cream that aren't my favorite, chip flavors I don't really like, his favorite candies that aren't my faves, etc. Also having my husband put his things on a high pantry shelf that I can't reach without a stool is helpful. It sounds silly, but my self-control stinks and a barrier plus knowing it's "HIS", plus not being my favorite is what it takes to me my sneaky paws off!4
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You've gotten great advice here. All of this sounds really familiar. The world is full of breakrooms populated with people who don't and won't eat like we need or want to eat. I had to get used to it if I wanted to make my health a priority. There were cupboards dedicated to licorice, gummy bears, crackers, popcorn, cheese whiz, hershey kisses, peanut m & m's. You name it, it was in there. Donuts, cinnamon rolls, bagels, peanut butter, jam, jelly, cheetos, taco chips. Sigh.
I started a journal because I have found writing my feelings, my fears, my hopes and general thoughts on just about everything has been an invaluable tool. I can see the flaws in my thinking and it keeps my hands and mind busy during all of the inevitable rough patches at home or work.6 -
I'm so sorry about your struggle and I pray that you will overcome your eating disorder. My husband has his junk food, I even buy it for him when I shop. BUT...I'm SO SICK AND TIRED OF BEING OVER-WEIGHT that I have finally got this mind set...I am no longer going to eat those empty calories. So, his candy, popsicles and cracker jacks just don't even faze me! I'm hoping for that for you! I have had my struggles, but 5 wks into this, it's getting easier. We're all in this together and we can do it!!!6
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Buy him a strongbox. Or fit a padlock to one cupboard. Compromise.5
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When I was in recovery for bulimia there were certain things I couldn't have around easily. For awhile, we didn't buy certain types of crackers, for example. Then later, my husband kept them hidden in his desk in the living room. I knew they were there but I wasn't confronted with the box every time I opened the cupboard, so they were easier to forget about. Now they can be in the house and it's not an issue.
My husband was supportive throughout and I never made it a demand. Just articulated it was something that would help me sort out my food issues.6 -
Why don't you get a cooler or something with a lock on it. He can keep his stuff there.2
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