How do you nicely tell your partner to lose weight?
Replies
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Be honest. If it truly bothers you, then either end the relationship or state the fact that you've lost attraction due to their neglect of their appearance.
If it truly affects one's attraction, not saying anything and staying in the relationship would simply cause bitterness which only makes matters worse. You can love someone but lose sexual attraction.6 -
_Deadman_Walking_ wrote: »your_future_ex_wife wrote: »_Deadman_Walking_ wrote: »You don’t. You can’t.... If your love for someone is determined by their weight gain or weight loss than its my opinion that you don’t deserve that person in your life, for you do not understand what love is.
My wife, who is a larger woman, is not always happy with her weight, yet she’s healthy. If and/or when she decides to use our gym, I will help her with what little guidance I can, but never EVER would I tell her she needs to lose weight. Fitness model or overweight.... makes no difference to me as long as she’s healthy and happy.
You’re married? I had no idea. I feel like saying congratulations for some reason. 😊😁❤️
Lol not quite. We’re engaged, but I dislike that word. We just celebrated 3 years the other day. 😊
Happy Anniversary love birds! And I hugged you, because as always you’re a good human with a good heart.2 -
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_Deadman_Walking_ wrote: »You don’t. You can’t.... If your love for someone is determined by their weight gain or weight loss than its my opinion that you don’t deserve that person in your life, for you do not understand what love is.
My wife, who is a larger woman, is not always happy with her weight, yet she’s healthy. If and/or when she decides to use our gym, I will help her with what little guidance I can, but never EVER would I tell her she needs to lose weight. Fitness model or overweight.... makes no difference to me as long as she’s healthy and happy.
No two people are wired the same - some men like bigger women. Some men are attracted to fit women and want to share a fitness oriented lifestyle. Some men are more universal in their tastes. The same is true for women. I've heard women say and post their preference for dad bods, heavy men, fit men, any man, etc. To each his or her own. There is no accounting for or faulting for what a person finds attractive or desirous. Society is better off when people recognize that people have a right to want what they want. And that nobody has a right to be so judgmental so as to say what another person does or does not understand about what love is.
That said, you absolutely cannot make someone do something they simply do not want to do. Weight & fitness, in all but a microscopic number of cases, represents the product derived from a person's free choice. People choose their diet, choose their fitness habits, choose their path. A person may say they are unhappy with their weight, may say they want to lose weight, but its important to pay attention to what people do, not so much what they say. A person's choices always gives them away, one way or another.6 -
cayenne_007 wrote: »
If you're not physically attracted to someone - and especially you're not married to them - then why on earth would you stay with them?
It would've been 10,000 times easier for me to process if my ex had the cojones to simply say he was finished with our marriage than it was to take the constant attacks on everything about myself. By being told there were things I had to change about myself to earn his love/approval - that's just cruel.
It makes a difference I guess if your friend has gained a significant amount of weight in the time they've been together in my perspective. I've never believed that it's right to let yourself change drastically and expect your partner to still want you..... (I'd hope they would, but still - I feel a responsibility to take care of myself.)
I'm very sorry that you had to deal with that toxicity. I hope you are in a much better place now. Most people stay in unhappy relationships out of comfort. I think a lot of times for men it just comes down to money, they don't want to pay for alimony, child support, or live on a single income. He possibly thought he was Mr. hot stuff and thought he could do better than you but reality smacked him in the face that he was really average or below so he stuck with you.
I find this topic really interesting because like I previously said, I've been on both sides of this coin. Long read below
I'm single and divorced. When I was dating women would always ask why did you get divorced and I would just sum it up replying back "I lost attraction to her". It's funny because their reactions were always like the majority of the women in this thread "You are mean", "*kitten*", "how shallow" etc jumping to conclusions that it was purely physical attraction I was speaking of when it encompassed much more.
I was a very committed, supportive, loving husband and gave my ex wife everything a wife would want from a husband. Instead of taking opportunities to enhance her life which would of enhanced our lives, she became super complacent, didn't strive for anything, didn't do the things that made me fall in love with her anymore, and started complaining about trivial things on a daily basis. She was very content just watching tv all day and nothing else.
When I got with her at 17 she was 160lbs at 5'1". She was chubby but rocked her weight well. At age 22 I got into really good shape she went up to 180lbs. I found it bothersome but not a deal breaker. I was straight up honest with her how I felt but did not shame her. We worked out together sometimes and bought a whole lot less processed foods. She tried her best and gave up after a few months. I didn't get mad, I was like whatever. She's my best friend and we have each others backs no matter what so that kept me in love with her.
I was around 23 working as a night auditor in a pretty popular hotel in super shape. I was in phenomenal shape at this time and would have women approach me here and there but I stayed faithful to my ex wife. Ever since we had our first son I took night shift jobs that way we could always be around our sons. I was a major help at home, I changed diapers, cleaned dishes, kept the house clean, washed, folded, and put away clothes, took my sons to school, Dr appointments, and extracurricular activities.
Working the night shift seeing my peers waltzing into the hotel lobby having nights on the town started to get to me. I never had a weekend off or a vacation yet in my life. I felt like my younger years were passing me by while all I did was work. So one night I ask my ex wife would she mind working a night shift job while I took a day shift job. She flat out said "No". I thought she was joking and I asked again, she said "no, I would not work a night shift job" sternly.
In my head I'm going "wooooooooooooow, unbelievable!" At this point she was 5'1" 190lbs. What little attraction I did have left for her all died right there. I got tired of carrying her on my back and decided to do me at that point putting my best interest in mind.
I left my ex wife and got into a super toxic relationship with my ex gf where she lost attraction to me lol
That relationship is a lifetime movie, just way too much to write about. I'll try to make a long story short.
I have no technical skills and only a GED to my name. When I got with my ex gf she was going thru some things which prevented her from having a job. I took on 2 full time jobs working a minimal of 80 hour a week to make ends meet.
I brought my ex gf a brand new car, taught her how to drive so she could get her license, she wanted to join the army so I would work out with her in the middle of my shift at my day job to support her losing weight, leave in the middle of my shift of my night job and hold her so she could get thru her night terrors, got her a apartment, attended all but one of her therapy sessions as a support system, and gave her a heads up on this job that she thrived in.
I was still taking care of my kids instead of throwing them off on my ex wife and did all of this for a little over 2 years. We brought a house together and I was burned the *kitten* out at this point. I remember explicitly telling her I'm so tired of being tired, for the next couple of months I just want to chill, play videogames, and get fat which I did. I was 6ft 185lbs and blew up to nearly 240lbs during my fat period. She was 5'0" 142lbs when I met her and gained 40lbs herself weighing 182lbs but still rocked her weight well.
During this time, she really started feeling herself. She worked in a call center and worked up way up to a managerial position fairly quickly. She's a pretty girl so she was constantly being hounded with attention. Call centers are *kitten* houses. I knew she lost attraction to me because she didn't want to be around me like before, she wasn't all loving like before, and I started hearing the excuses "I'm tired" "I'm not in the mood" frequently more when it came to intimacy.
It sucked but I wasn't hurt. I knew what I looked like and I understand how important physical looks are in a relationship. I wasn't worried the least bit because I knew I would bounce back when I was good and ready, I always do.
What bothered me that she didn't have to the gall to tell me straight up that she didn't find me attractive anymore but instead chose to be fake about it framing her concern under "health".
I remember one day after leaving the mall I went to McDonald s, Taco Bell, and Burger King back to back to back.
My ex gf says to me "Basedgawd, that's unhealthy"
This puts a real sour taste in my mouth because she never worked out, ate snacks all day, went to 142lbs to 182lbs in 3 years with no kids and I've neeeeeeeeeever mentioned her weight gain a single time.
Me "What's unhealthy about it?"
Her "It's just unhealthy"
Me "Surely you must have a idea, am I breathing hard doing normal activities, having a hard time walking up steps, constantly out of breath help me out and explain what's unhealthy about it"
Her "I don't know, it's just unhealthy!"
Me "If you don't find me attractive, be a adult and just *kitten* say it"
After this argument I made my plans to exit the relationship because I knew the relationship was dead and that she already moved on.
2 -
"Nicely" is the operative word. My ex husband told me when we got married (many years ago) that he didn't ever want a "fat wife." I was constantly starving myself. If I gained a few pounds he let me know he noticed and that he didn't find it attractive. I used to secretly go to restaurants by myself for lunch so he wouldn't judge me. It was so passive/aggressive on my part. I felt like his love for me was contingent mainly on how I looked and I really resented it.
If he had been a nice man, he could have said "Honey, I love you no matter what and I think you are always gorgeous. But, I do think you look your best when your weight is a bit lower, and I think it's healthier too. Why don't we start hiking more and eating healthier together?" That would have been honest but not mean and I think I could have handled that because it would have come from a place of love and caring.
3 -
BasedGawd412 wrote: »cayenne_007 wrote: »
If you're not physically attracted to someone - and especially you're not married to them - then why on earth would you stay with them?
It would've been 10,000 times easier for me to process if my ex had the cojones to simply say he was finished with our marriage than it was to take the constant attacks on everything about myself. By being told there were things I had to change about myself to earn his love/approval - that's just cruel.
It makes a difference I guess if your friend has gained a significant amount of weight in the time they've been together in my perspective. I've never believed that it's right to let yourself change drastically and expect your partner to still want you..... (I'd hope they would, but still - I feel a responsibility to take care of myself.)
I'm very sorry that you had to deal with that toxicity. I hope you are in a much better place now. Most people stay in unhappy relationships out of comfort. I think a lot of times for men it just comes down to money, they don't want to pay for alimony, child support, or live on a single income. He possibly thought he was Mr. hot stuff and thought he could do better than you but reality smacked him in the face that he was really average or below so he stuck with you.
I find this topic really interesting because like I previously said, I've been on both sides of this coin. Long read below
I'm single and divorced. When I was dating women would always ask why did you get divorced and I would just sum it up replying back "I lost attraction to her". It's funny because their reactions were always like the majority of the women in this thread "You are mean", "*kitten*", "how shallow" etc jumping to conclusions that it was purely physical attraction I was speaking of when it encompassed much more.
I was a very committed, supportive, loving husband and gave my ex wife everything a wife would want from a husband. Instead of taking opportunities to enhance her life which would of enhanced our lives, she became super complacent, didn't strive for anything, didn't do the things that made me fall in love with her anymore, and started complaining about trivial things on a daily basis. She was very content just watching tv all day and nothing else.
When I got with her at 17 she was 160lbs at 5'1". She was chubby but rocked her weight well. At age 22 I got into really good shape she went up to 180lbs. I found it bothersome but not a deal breaker. I was straight up honest with her how I felt but did not shame her. We worked out together sometimes and bought a whole lot less processed foods. She tried her best and gave up after a few months. I didn't get mad, I was like whatever. She's my best friend and we have each others backs no matter what so that kept me in love with her.
I was around 23 working as a night auditor in a pretty popular hotel in super shape. I was in phenomenal shape at this time and would have women approach me here and there but I stayed faithful to my ex wife. Ever since we had our first son I took night shift jobs that way we could always be around our sons. I was a major help at home, I changed diapers, cleaned dishes, kept the house clean, washed, folded, and put away clothes, took my sons to school, Dr appointments, and extracurricular activities.
Working the night shift seeing my peers waltzing into the hotel lobby having nights on the town started to get to me. I never had a weekend off or a vacation yet in my life. I felt like my younger years were passing me by while all I did was work. So one night I ask my ex wife would she mind working a night shift job while I took a day shift job. She flat out said "No". I thought she was joking and I asked again, she said "no, I would not work a night shift job" sternly.
In my head I'm going "wooooooooooooow, unbelievable!" At this point she was 5'1" 190lbs. What little attraction I did have left for her all died right there. I got tired of carrying her on my back and decided to do me at that point putting my best interest in mind.
I left my ex wife and got into a super toxic relationship with my ex gf where she lost attraction to me lol
That relationship is a lifetime movie, just way too much to write about. I'll try to make a long story short.
I have no technical skills and only a GED to my name. When I got with my ex gf she was going thru some things which prevented her from having a job. I took on 2 full time jobs working a minimal of 80 hour a week to make ends meet.
I brought my ex gf a brand new car, taught her how to drive so she could get her license, she wanted to join the army so I would work out with her in the middle of my shift at my day job to support her losing weight, leave in the middle of my shift of my night job and hold her so she could get thru her night terrors, got her a apartment, attended all but one of her therapy sessions as a support system, and gave her a heads up on this job that she thrived in.
I was still taking care of my kids instead of throwing them off on my ex wife and did all of this for a little over 2 years. We brought a house together and I was burned the *kitten* out at this point. I remember explicitly telling her I'm so tired of being tired, for the next couple of months I just want to chill, play videogames, and get fat which I did. I was 6ft 185lbs and blew up to nearly 240lbs during my fat period. She was 5'0" 142lbs when I met her and gained 40lbs herself weighing 182lbs but still rocked her weight well.
During this time, she really started feeling herself. She worked in a call center and worked up way up to a managerial position fairly quickly. She's a pretty girl so she was constantly being hounded with attention. Call centers are *kitten* houses. I knew she lost attraction to me because she didn't want to be around me like before, she wasn't all loving like before, and I started hearing the excuses "I'm tired" "I'm not in the mood" frequently more when it came to intimacy.
It sucked but I wasn't hurt. I knew what I looked like and I understand how important physical looks are in a relationship. I wasn't worried the least bit because I knew I would bounce back when I was good and ready, I always do.
What bothered me that she didn't have to the gall to tell me straight up that she didn't find me attractive anymore but instead chose to be fake about it framing her concern under "health".
I remember one day after leaving the mall I went to McDonald s, Taco Bell, and Burger King back to back to back.
My ex gf says to me "Basedgawd, that's unhealthy"
This puts a real sour taste in my mouth because she never worked out, ate snacks all day, went to 142lbs to 182lbs in 3 years with no kids and I've neeeeeeeeeever mentioned her weight gain a single time.
Me "What's unhealthy about it?"
Her "It's just unhealthy"
Me "Surely you must have a idea, am I breathing hard doing normal activities, having a hard time walking up steps, constantly out of breath help me out and explain what's unhealthy about it"
Her "I don't know, it's just unhealthy!"
Me "If you don't find me attractive, be a adult and just *kitten* say it"
After this argument I made my plans to exit the relationship because I knew the relationship was dead and that she already moved on.
Your exes were damn fools.
3 -
You don't.
And if your partner tells you they're trying and they need help... don't push and be obnoxious. Just gently but firmly do what they ask.
I asked my husband to help me lose weight. He takes this shiz seriously. LOL. If he sees me grabbing a chocolate bar he says: Are you sure?
If I try to buy a soda at the store he's right there shaking his head disapprovingly.
He cooks for me and he sticks to clean eating (which I prefer).
He doesn't bring junk food into the house (ice cream, chips, etc) because he knows those are my kryptonite.
But you know what he never does? He never pushes. He never makes comments about; "Don't you wanna be thin?" He is careful to make me feel beautiful right where I am and only focuses on wanting to see me feel and be healthier.
Yeah. You never tell your partner they need to lose weight... but if they decide they want to, you be there to help them and support them without judgment and without being obnoxious.8 -
BasedGawd412 wrote: »cayenne_007 wrote: »
If you're not physically attracted to someone - and especially you're not married to them - then why on earth would you stay with them?
It would've been 10,000 times easier for me to process if my ex had the cojones to simply say he was finished with our marriage than it was to take the constant attacks on everything about myself. By being told there were things I had to change about myself to earn his love/approval - that's just cruel.
It makes a difference I guess if your friend has gained a significant amount of weight in the time they've been together in my perspective. I've never believed that it's right to let yourself change drastically and expect your partner to still want you..... (I'd hope they would, but still - I feel a responsibility to take care of myself.)
I'm very sorry that you had to deal with that toxicity. I hope you are in a much better place now. Most people stay in unhappy relationships out of comfort. I think a lot of times for men it just comes down to money, they don't want to pay for alimony, child support, or live on a single income. He possibly thought he was Mr. hot stuff and thought he could do better than you but reality smacked him in the face that he was really average or below so he stuck with you.
I find this topic really interesting because like I previously said, I've been on both sides of this coin. Long read below
I'm single and divorced. When I was dating women would always ask why did you get divorced and I would just sum it up replying back "I lost attraction to her". It's funny because their reactions were always like the majority of the women in this thread "You are mean", "*kitten*", "how shallow" etc jumping to conclusions that it was purely physical attraction I was speaking of when it encompassed much more.
I was a very committed, supportive, loving husband and gave my ex wife everything a wife would want from a husband. Instead of taking opportunities to enhance her life which would of enhanced our lives, she became super complacent, didn't strive for anything, didn't do the things that made me fall in love with her anymore, and started complaining about trivial things on a daily basis. She was very content just watching tv all day and nothing else.
When I got with her at 17 she was 160lbs at 5'1". She was chubby but rocked her weight well. At age 22 I got into really good shape she went up to 180lbs. I found it bothersome but not a deal breaker. I was straight up honest with her how I felt but did not shame her. We worked out together sometimes and bought a whole lot less processed foods. She tried her best and gave up after a few months. I didn't get mad, I was like whatever. She's my best friend and we have each others backs no matter what so that kept me in love with her.
I was around 23 working as a night auditor in a pretty popular hotel in super shape. I was in phenomenal shape at this time and would have women approach me here and there but I stayed faithful to my ex wife. Ever since we had our first son I took night shift jobs that way we could always be around our sons. I was a major help at home, I changed diapers, cleaned dishes, kept the house clean, washed, folded, and put away clothes, took my sons to school, Dr appointments, and extracurricular activities.
Working the night shift seeing my peers waltzing into the hotel lobby having nights on the town started to get to me. I never had a weekend off or a vacation yet in my life. I felt like my younger years were passing me by while all I did was work. So one night I ask my ex wife would she mind working a night shift job while I took a day shift job. She flat out said "No". I thought she was joking and I asked again, she said "no, I would not work a night shift job" sternly.
In my head I'm going "wooooooooooooow, unbelievable!" At this point she was 5'1" 190lbs. What little attraction I did have left for her all died right there. I got tired of carrying her on my back and decided to do me at that point putting my best interest in mind.
I left my ex wife and got into a super toxic relationship with my ex gf where she lost attraction to me lol
That relationship is a lifetime movie, just way too much to write about. I'll try to make a long story short.
I have no technical skills and only a GED to my name. When I got with my ex gf she was going thru some things which prevented her from having a job. I took on 2 full time jobs working a minimal of 80 hour a week to make ends meet.
I brought my ex gf a brand new car, taught her how to drive so she could get her license, she wanted to join the army so I would work out with her in the middle of my shift at my day job to support her losing weight, leave in the middle of my shift of my night job and hold her so she could get thru her night terrors, got her a apartment, attended all but one of her therapy sessions as a support system, and gave her a heads up on this job that she thrived in.
I was still taking care of my kids instead of throwing them off on my ex wife and did all of this for a little over 2 years. We brought a house together and I was burned the *kitten* out at this point. I remember explicitly telling her I'm so tired of being tired, for the next couple of months I just want to chill, play videogames, and get fat which I did. I was 6ft 185lbs and blew up to nearly 240lbs during my fat period. She was 5'0" 142lbs when I met her and gained 40lbs herself weighing 182lbs but still rocked her weight well.
During this time, she really started feeling herself. She worked in a call center and worked up way up to a managerial position fairly quickly. She's a pretty girl so she was constantly being hounded with attention. Call centers are *kitten* houses. I knew she lost attraction to me because she didn't want to be around me like before, she wasn't all loving like before, and I started hearing the excuses "I'm tired" "I'm not in the mood" frequently more when it came to intimacy.
It sucked but I wasn't hurt. I knew what I looked like and I understand how important physical looks are in a relationship. I wasn't worried the least bit because I knew I would bounce back when I was good and ready, I always do.
What bothered me that she didn't have to the gall to tell me straight up that she didn't find me attractive anymore but instead chose to be fake about it framing her concern under "health".
I remember one day after leaving the mall I went to McDonald s, Taco Bell, and Burger King back to back to back.
My ex gf says to me "Basedgawd, that's unhealthy"
This puts a real sour taste in my mouth because she never worked out, ate snacks all day, went to 142lbs to 182lbs in 3 years with no kids and I've neeeeeeeeeever mentioned her weight gain a single time.
Me "What's unhealthy about it?"
Her "It's just unhealthy"
Me "Surely you must have a idea, am I breathing hard doing normal activities, having a hard time walking up steps, constantly out of breath help me out and explain what's unhealthy about it"
Her "I don't know, it's just unhealthy!"
Me "If you don't find me attractive, be a adult and just *kitten* say it"
After this argument I made my plans to exit the relationship because I knew the relationship was dead and that she already moved on.
When I read this I think it wasn't her weight gain that was the problem... it was her attitude. I mean... I almost wonder if it's more you lost attraction to her because of her personality and not because of the body weight.
I have met many, many fit men who I found repulsive because of their terrible personalities. And I've met many large men I found attractive because of their personalities.
I think people who are ONLY attracted to appearance are shallow (sorry, not sorry) but I also think it's not true that people are ONLY attracted to appearance. There's more to it than that. I think often if anyone makes it out to seem all they care about is appearance there's more at play.
Like if I DID worry about a partner's size it would be related to health. More weight = higher risk of health issues... and that WOULD concern me/be off-putting. Heck I look at MYSELF and I find my size off putting and concerning so I completely understand. That said, my husband is madly attracted to me, madly in love with me, and supports me 100%... but then I'm not horrible, I'm not lazy, I treat him well, we have mutual respect and care for each other... so perhaps that's the difference.2 -
I agree his story seems not entirely about physical attractiveness. There were other issues.BasedGawd412 wrote: »cayenne_007 wrote: »
If you're not physically attracted to someone - and especially you're not married to them - then why on earth would you stay with them?
It would've been 10,000 times easier for me to process if my ex had the cojones to simply say he was finished with our marriage than it was to take the constant attacks on everything about myself. By being told there were things I had to change about myself to earn his love/approval - that's just cruel.
It makes a difference I guess if your friend has gained a significant amount of weight in the time they've been together in my perspective. I've never believed that it's right to let yourself change drastically and expect your partner to still want you..... (I'd hope they would, but still - I feel a responsibility to take care of myself.)
I'm very sorry that you had to deal with that toxicity. I hope you are in a much better place now. Most people stay in unhappy relationships out of comfort. I think a lot of times for men it just comes down to money, they don't want to pay for alimony, child support, or live on a single income. He possibly thought he was Mr. hot stuff and thought he could do better than you but reality smacked him in the face that he was really average or below so he stuck with you.
I find this topic really interesting because like I previously said, I've been on both sides of this coin. Long read below
I'm single and divorced. When I was dating women would always ask why did you get divorced and I would just sum it up replying back "I lost attraction to her". It's funny because their reactions were always like the majority of the women in this thread "You are mean", "*kitten*", "how shallow" etc jumping to conclusions that it was purely physical attraction I was speaking of when it encompassed much more.
I was a very committed, supportive, loving husband and gave my ex wife everything a wife would want from a husband. Instead of taking opportunities to enhance her life which would of enhanced our lives, she became super complacent, didn't strive for anything, didn't do the things that made me fall in love with her anymore, and started complaining about trivial things on a daily basis. She was very content just watching tv all day and nothing else.
When I got with her at 17 she was 160lbs at 5'1". She was chubby but rocked her weight well. At age 22 I got into really good shape she went up to 180lbs. I found it bothersome but not a deal breaker. I was straight up honest with her how I felt but did not shame her. We worked out together sometimes and bought a whole lot less processed foods. She tried her best and gave up after a few months. I didn't get mad, I was like whatever. She's my best friend and we have each others backs no matter what so that kept me in love with her.
I was around 23 working as a night auditor in a pretty popular hotel in super shape. I was in phenomenal shape at this time and would have women approach me here and there but I stayed faithful to my ex wife. Ever since we had our first son I took night shift jobs that way we could always be around our sons. I was a major help at home, I changed diapers, cleaned dishes, kept the house clean, washed, folded, and put away clothes, took my sons to school, Dr appointments, and extracurricular activities.
Working the night shift seeing my peers waltzing into the hotel lobby having nights on the town started to get to me. I never had a weekend off or a vacation yet in my life. I felt like my younger years were passing me by while all I did was work. So one night I ask my ex wife would she mind working a night shift job while I took a day shift job. She flat out said "No". I thought she was joking and I asked again, she said "no, I would not work a night shift job" sternly.
In my head I'm going "wooooooooooooow, unbelievable!" At this point she was 5'1" 190lbs. What little attraction I did have left for her all died right there. I got tired of carrying her on my back and decided to do me at that point putting my best interest in mind.
I left my ex wife and got into a super toxic relationship with my ex gf where she lost attraction to me lol
That relationship is a lifetime movie, just way too much to write about. I'll try to make a long story short.
I have no technical skills and only a GED to my name. When I got with my ex gf she was going thru some things which prevented her from having a job. I took on 2 full time jobs working a minimal of 80 hour a week to make ends meet.
I brought my ex gf a brand new car, taught her how to drive so she could get her license, she wanted to join the army so I would work out with her in the middle of my shift at my day job to support her losing weight, leave in the middle of my shift of my night job and hold her so she could get thru her night terrors, got her a apartment, attended all but one of her therapy sessions as a support system, and gave her a heads up on this job that she thrived in.
I was still taking care of my kids instead of throwing them off on my ex wife and did all of this for a little over 2 years. We brought a house together and I was burned the *kitten* out at this point. I remember explicitly telling her I'm so tired of being tired, for the next couple of months I just want to chill, play videogames, and get fat which I did. I was 6ft 185lbs and blew up to nearly 240lbs during my fat period. She was 5'0" 142lbs when I met her and gained 40lbs herself weighing 182lbs but still rocked her weight well.
During this time, she really started feeling herself. She worked in a call center and worked up way up to a managerial position fairly quickly. She's a pretty girl so she was constantly being hounded with attention. Call centers are *kitten* houses. I knew she lost attraction to me because she didn't want to be around me like before, she wasn't all loving like before, and I started hearing the excuses "I'm tired" "I'm not in the mood" frequently more when it came to intimacy.
It sucked but I wasn't hurt. I knew what I looked like and I understand how important physical looks are in a relationship. I wasn't worried the least bit because I knew I would bounce back when I was good and ready, I always do.
What bothered me that she didn't have to the gall to tell me straight up that she didn't find me attractive anymore but instead chose to be fake about it framing her concern under "health".
I remember one day after leaving the mall I went to McDonald s, Taco Bell, and Burger King back to back to back.
My ex gf says to me "Basedgawd, that's unhealthy"
This puts a real sour taste in my mouth because she never worked out, ate snacks all day, went to 142lbs to 182lbs in 3 years with no kids and I've neeeeeeeeeever mentioned her weight gain a single time.
Me "What's unhealthy about it?"
Her "It's just unhealthy"
Me "Surely you must have a idea, am I breathing hard doing normal activities, having a hard time walking up steps, constantly out of breath help me out and explain what's unhealthy about it"
Her "I don't know, it's just unhealthy!"
Me "If you don't find me attractive, be a adult and just *kitten* say it"
After this argument I made my plans to exit the relationship because I knew the relationship was dead and that she already moved on.
When I read this I think it wasn't her weight gain that was the problem... it was her attitude. I mean... I almost wonder if it's more you lost attraction to her because of her personality and not because of the body weight.
I have met many, many fit men who I found repulsive because of their terrible personalities. And I've met many large men I found attractive because of their personalities.
I think people who are ONLY attracted to appearance are shallow (sorry, not sorry) but I also think it's not true that people are ONLY attracted to appearance. There's more to it than that. I think often if anyone makes it out to seem all they care about is appearance there's more at play.
Like if I DID worry about a partner's size it would be related to health. More weight = higher risk of health issues... and that WOULD concern me/be off-putting. Heck I look at MYSELF and I find my size off putting and concerning so I completely understand. That said, my husband is madly attracted to me, madly in love with me, and supports me 100%... but then I'm not horrible, I'm not lazy, I treat him well, we have mutual respect and care for each other... so perhaps that's the difference.
I did want to add my opinion that for ME obesity is an issue if it impedes function and mobility. There are things a fit person can do that an unfit person can’t. Then again, imagination and attitude trumps all of that.
2 -
This is such a difficult topic and I think it really depends on the couple. My partner has made comments about my weight in the past and they have affected my self esteem. They weren't particularly mean or insulting, just things like "oh you're festively plump", "my girl is a bit rotund now", and "when we first got together you had such a tight body, you were so hot"... This coming from a man who smokes, drinks, doesn't cook, plays video games every second he can, and has gained quite a lot of weight in the 9.5 years we've been together. I remember every single one of those comments and they didn't spur me to lose weight at all, they just made me feel unattractive.
Losing weight was inspired by some health issues and seeing pictures of myself at a friend's wedding. I don't really think it is necessary to comment on other people's weight. Maybe I am just sensitive, but I know I didn't like it or find it helpful.3 -
I have had partners make negative comments before and all it did was make me never want to be nude around them.3
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Issues in your relationship will not be fixed by losing weight.3
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There should be a lot of firmness, trust, and room for opinions in a relationshipmermaidsgrave wrote: »your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
That’s so hurtful. It would make me want to hide. And when I felt well enough to actually take care of myself it would be without him.That’s a super cute story. I thought I’d ask because a close friend of mine bf told her he wasn’t sexually attracted to her anymore because she let herself “go.” In a way I respect his honesty but in another way I see it as being mean and rude. I thought that would light her fire to make her start working out with me but it only made things worse. 😞
Just curious on this - yeah it’s f’d up thing to say - so in Lieu of saying it - if that’s how he’s truly feeling, should he just break it off ?? But then what if she ask why - should he be brutally honest or just make something up? To spare hard feelings “it’s not you it’s me” thing
If he’s feeling this way then he prolly truly doesn’t love her anyway right - cause if you love someone you take the good and bad right ? Or what we perceive as bad - not all perceive being overweight as bad ..
Anyway - I find this topic interesting- where’s @1sphere - what are your thoughts homie
I believe that it's fine for guys to have a preference. That's completely normal. But it's not okay to be rude and insulting all at once. That's like touching a hot iron and expecting a nice outcome.
So if the guy would prefer if his partner lost a few pounds, I think he should suggest it in the sense of having an opinion; not in the sense that something is wrong with her. And yes, I think people need to bravely state how they feel and not keep quiet about it. If the woman does not appreciate his opinion, then that's probably the first sign that there is a lack of chemistry. My points are the same from man -> woman or woman -> man.
You can always suggest things meekly instead of being a *kitten*.
I think the main issue here as that some people are so sensitive and defensive, especially when they already don’t feel great about their weight, that any way this is phrased they may flip their *kitten*. This is kind of a screwed if you do and screwed if you don’t, type of situation.
Ut Oh.
Would you settle just firmness ??1 -
your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
I agree his story seems not entirely about physical attractiveness. There were other issues.
I did want to add my opinion that for ME obesity is an issue if it impedes function and mobility. There are things a fit person can do that an unfit person can’t. Then again, imagination and attitude trumps all of that.
Oh yeah, I totally agree with that. Activity level has to be a match. Not only that but you don't ever want to be at the point where you have to take care of your partner because they can't get out of bed... or because their weight has made it difficult for them to do something as simple as make themselves a meal or clean the house.
I mean, there are other areas where the state of a person's fitness can impede certain things but I'm a lady so I won't discuss those but I will say that I am looking forward to shedding this weight.
Also, it shouldn't have but your username made me chuckle a little.
I hope that's a story that ended well. 2 -
your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
I agree his story seems not entirely about physical attractiveness. There were other issues.
I did want to add my opinion that for ME obesity is an issue if it impedes function and mobility. There are things a fit person can do that an unfit person can’t. Then again, imagination and attitude trumps all of that.
Oh yeah, I totally agree with that. Activity level has to be a match. Not only that but you don't ever want to be at the point where you have to take care of your partner because they can't get out of bed... or because their weight has made it difficult for them to do something as simple as make themselves a meal or clean the house.
I mean, there are other areas where the state of a person's fitness can impede certain things but I'm a lady so I won't discuss those but I will say that I am looking forward to shedding this weight.
Also, it shouldn't have but your username made me chuckle a little. I hope that's a story that ended well.
Ha! Thank you. The username is just a bit of cockiness on my part. 😁❤️0 -
If I may play Devil's advocate. We don't know the relationship. Some people need coaxing, some people need telling and some don't need anything. If this is the kind of person who need a kick up the butt now and again, then that is what you do. If you have been with someone for a few years and they haven't understood how to talk to you then they probably think more about their needs than yours if indeed they think of yours at all. Not a one off conversation though, we have made stupid statements at one time or another we regret, but continuously is not good at all.
Overall if you really are in a sustainable relationship you will have an element of sacrifice for the other person, not to be walked over, however your first consideration is their needs. I consider us all to be batteries and if we constantly give out energy we will reach a point of no return and there needs to be an amount input to keep things going.
Does my wife need to lose weight? Yes. Both her parents had serious health issues through excess weight and there is a probability she will suffer the same. Would I ask her lose weight? Absolutely not. I make her feel special everyday, I make her feel sexy and desired all the time. I also moved her bike into the hall and she comes on rides with me once a week which not be her first choice of relaxation. I cook far more often than I used to and give the right portions of the right food. I prepare meals and salads for her to take to work and slice fruit as, odd as it seems, preparing food is something she can't seem to abide. Everything else is up to her.
She makes me feel special and desired and that is all I need. She does the washing which I hate and considers my needs before hers (mostly, nobody is perfect). If ever you have the discussion where you are both essentially trying to 'out-nice' the other one, "no you have the best one" - "no you", then hold on - as long as one of you makes the decision in the end.
We have been down the weight-loss road together and it failed. Now I am doing it alone, who knows if my gorgeous wife will join me, ultimately she will still be gorgeous.2
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