Getting past the unfair feeling

VeronicaRooney

How do you get past the feeling of "This is F'in unfair. Those skinny people don't exercise or eat right." or "They were raised to have a healthy lifestyle while we lived off of what we could" or "Its easier for them because they don't have kids."

Basically, excuse after excuse and I can't seem to get past this very bitter feeling every time I open a diet/ lifestyle/ health book. I get so bitter at the world and can't even focus on what I am reading or doing because all I can think about is how this is so F'in unfair.

Any advice?

apullum

You have no idea what other people's lives are like unless you have a close relationship with that person. You don't know everything about another person's background, health, diet, or exercise.

I would suggest not reading books that make you feel this way.

VeronicaRooney

Oh, it's not the books that make me feel this way it's myself. I get that I do not know people or understand what they are going through but its just a literal thought that pops up in my head very aggressively

LyndaBSS

You get out of it what you're willing to put into it.

I've never once looked in the mirror or at a fitness model and thought "no fair". My being obese has nothing to do with fairness. It has to do with with the way I consciously chose to behave.

RunsWithBees

Stop comparing yourself to others. You have control over your food and fitness choices, no one else. You do you

apullum

VeronicaRooney wrote: »

Oh, it's not the books that make me feel this way it's myself. I get that I do not know people or understand what they are going through but its just a literal thought that pops up in my head very aggressively

But now that you are aware of having these thoughts, you can catch yourself when you have them and remind yourself that you don't know what other people's lives are like. You can change your thought patterns, but it takes effort.

I've had people say things to me about me being naturally skinny. I also run, and I bake a lot. People assume that because I'm short and I'm a runner, I can eat whatever I want and stay small. It is the furthest thing in the world from the truth. I used to have a BMI of 42, I worked my butt off to get to where I am, and I continue to work my butt off to maintain. I fit my sweets into my calorie goal. I moved and started a new job in the same month I hit my goal weight, so no one I see on a daily basis understands my past. They make these sorts of assumptions about me that are the complete opposite of what I have actually gone through.

No one knows exactly what another person's experience is like.

glovepuppet

Therapy.

If you're trapped in thought patterns that reduce your quality of life, therapy can really help. It's a brain detox.

VeronicaRooney

Thank you all very much I shall get a therapist and use everyone else's advice. Thank you again!

lgfrie

I second the call for therapy. Your issue is not a weight issue. It's something else.

Hannahwalksfar

I told myself I could choose to be a victim story or a success story. And here I am.

Terytha

Every time I think that something isn't fair, i hear David Bowie's voice in my head: "You say that so often, I wonder what your basis for comparison is?"

What is fair? Who even said anything would be fair?

NovusDies

I don't often think that way. Fair is how I treat other people and how I need to treat myself. It is not something I feel owed. I gained weight by not being fair to myself. I am losing weight by reversing that behavior.

MoxyLeigh

@Terytha - I hear David Bowie's voice in my head all the time, but that's an especially good one.

I hope this doesn't seem trite or condescending, but that kinda thing seems like a good time to "focus on gratitude" as the mindful people say. We all have blessings, try to focus on your own.

For example, on this journey of weight loss and getting back into shape, I find myself actively remembering things like, "I'm so lucky that I CAN walk," or "I'm so lucky that I still have time in my life to turn this around." It may sound trite at first glance, but it seems much less so when I'm out for my evening walk and I pass someone who is pushing themself around in a wheelchair with one leg. Which just happened last night, in fact.

Try to remember that you too are blessed with many advantages that others can only dream of. You can do this!

Hannahwalksfar

Once you choose your own narrative you suddenly stop comparing your story to anyone else’s.

callsitlikeiseeit

go to therapy. your journey is not someone elses and vice versa.

WispyBlue

If it makes you feel better, I was that “she eats whatever she wants and never gains weight.” But the thing is all I ate was whatever I eat when I’m out with my friend and didn’t really eat anything at home. I used to average 500-1,000 calories a day depending but to my friends, it was like I was having high calorie meals and never gaining weight. Generally speaking, most people are in the same ball park of metabolism within their height range, so if someone is skinny or fit, it’s because they aren’t eating as much or working out.

TheChristianSimone

So I don't know if this post was for attention or to vent but honestly it doesn't matter what others can or can't do it's about you.The only thing you can do is move forward, no complaining and make the needed steps to become healthy and disciplined.. Bitterness is nothing but a way to give power elsewwhere thus absolving oneself from their failures and choices. I grew up poor, abused and with druggies, I could feel bad but I would still just be another fat person not living to my best, so I make the needed changes.

paperpudding

VeronicaRooney wrote: »

How do you get past the feeling of "This is F'in unfair. Those skinny people don't exercise or eat right."

Any advice?

I highly doubt there are any skinny people who do not excercise in some form and eat appropriate calorie level - unless they have an illness of course and then you wouldnt really want to be them.

vanityy99

You’re capable of losing weight, that’s all that matters. Stop comparing and focus on that.

Curious to know what kids have to do with it.

jayemes

No one is perfect, so that person who's thin without trying has another problem that you don't have to deal with

kshama2001

It's your Addictive Voice: https://rational.org/index.php?id=68

kshama2001

vanityy99 wrote: »

You’re capable of losing weight, that’s all that matters. Stop comparing and focus on that.

Curious to know what kids have to do with it.

My sister's life revolves around her kids. I am childless and have a lot more freedom.

glovepuppet

WispyBlue wrote: »

If it makes you feel better, I was that “she eats whatever she wants and never gains weight.” But the thing is all I ate was whatever I eat when I’m out with my friend and didn’t really eat anything at home. I used to average 500-1,000 calories a day depending but to my friends, it was like I was having high calorie meals and never gaining weight. Generally speaking, most people are in the same ball park of metabolism within their height range, so if someone is skinny or fit, it’s because they aren’t eating as much or working out.

Me too.

Lillymoo01

You can view yourself as being a victim or a survivor. Rather than thinking that everything isn't fair, think of it as "I have survived this so far and can come out the other end". Look at all of your strengths rather than where you feel you are a failure. Counselling to change that mindset would be beneficial.

You could look at me an be jealous because I am thin. From my appearance, you could think I have my life together. What you don't know behind that smile is that fact that I used to be around 80 pounds heavier and that the only reason I am thin, my motivation, was the death of my daughter. You wouldn't see that behind that fake smile is a heavy heart that struggles from one day to the next. Despite all of this I am a survivor. Every day I manage to get myself out of bed and moving. I manage to keep up with the demands of being a wife and a mother and have even returned to uni where I keep up with the demands of being a student. Has life been fair for me? Hell no. I have gone through every mother's worst nightmare. Am I going to use this as an excuse for not achieving in life? Hell no. I am a survivor, not a victim.

missysippy930

There are a lot of things in life that can seem unfair. To dwell on unfairness is a waste of time and energy. We have the ability to lose weight if we are willing to do what it takes to do it.

samhennings

VeronicaRooney wrote: »

How do you get past the feeling of "This is F'in unfair. Those skinny people don't exercise or eat right." or "They were raised to have a healthy lifestyle while we lived off of what we could" or "Its easier for them because they don't have kids."

Basically, excuse after excuse and I can't seem to get past this very bitter feeling every time I open a diet/ lifestyle/ health book. I get so bitter at the world and can't even focus on what I am reading or doing because all I can think about is how this is so F'in unfair.

Any advice?

Never mind anybody else, its nothing to do with them, its about you.

And, as harsh as it sounds, considering its physics - if you are over weight, thats entirely fair, because its a product of you consuming too many calories.

Not that Ive any desire to sound aggressive or upset you, rather - if we can get to the root of where any responsibility or fairness lays, then maybe we can shift our perspective on that?

Its a bit like paying off your credit card. You spent money you didnt have, now you need to work hard to clear the balance down.

Take it as a responsibility, it might sound strange but it is strangely freeing.

Instead of looking out and blaming the other, you look in - and when you realise everything is within your control, suddenly things start looking up...

okc0mputr

That way of thinking is just looking for excuses to be overweight. I could look at an overweight person and think "that's not fair, I should be able to eat whatever I want too"... Accept responsibility for your weight, and you will be much more driven to lose it.

LivingtheLeanDream

Unfair = things that are out of our control

Life is unfair for sure - the person dealing with cancer will know that, the person who suffered the loss of their loved one.. the person who had their partner cheat, the person who has dementia...I could go on and on and on...

Losing weight is in our control.

Stop comparing - you can work on being the best version of you.

psychod787

A great quote from my country grandma, "Son, life ain't fair! Get over it!"

texasredreb

Therapy

seltzermint555

WispyBlue wrote: »

If it makes you feel better, I was that “she eats whatever she wants and never gains weight.” But the thing is all I ate was whatever I eat when I’m out with my friend and didn’t really eat anything at home. I used to average 500-1,000 calories a day depending but to my friends, it was like I was having high calorie meals and never gaining weight. Generally speaking, most people are in the same ball park of metabolism within their height range, so if someone is skinny or fit, it’s because they aren’t eating as much or working out.

Generally, I agree with this. I'm not thin by a long shot but I am now considered average after a huge loss. I eat pretty much the same as I always have when I'm out with friends. Couple slices of pizza and a beer or two. Burger no fries. One of my friends is always saying it's that I've had a metabolism shift, not calorie counting like it's my religion. She is wrong. When I am at home I'm eating regular meals but they are carefully calibrated and my breakfast is around 200 calories for example. I don't "just eat whatever". But because my friend eats with me twice a month and I eat "junk" or regular portions, she doesn't see the work I put into losing and maintaining the loss.

I know this is a highly controversial and heavily "wooed" opinion but I do believe that there is SOME individual stuff that plays into how much people weigh. I have many friends who have yo-yoed in weight through the years while generally staying in a pretty small range, let's say 150 to 180 lb. Meanwhile I have been in a range from 160 to over 300 lb. I ate too much but I refuse to believe that I ate like 3X some of these ladies' intake...others may say I'm wrong. But I don't believe it. I didn't binge or eat 4,000 calorie days. Now I don't think that's "normal" or even "fair" if that's a thing - but I do think it is almost always manageable. Looking at thin women who seem to eat a diet of chocolate and chicken strips is a pointless comparison.

ETA: I don't know how old you are, OP, but one thing I've noticed, especially after hitting 40, is a lot of my peers who have always been thin/average also have health issues from poor nutrition, just like heavier people often do. Being thin or looking fit doesn't mean you aren't unhealthy due to poor eating choices (and other factors). My aunt has barely eaten a veggie in her life, lives on fast food - she is attractive and 62 and has ALWAYS been skinny but she has horrible blood pressure, cholesterol, chronic constipation, etc.