Getting past the unfair feeling
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If it makes you feel better, I was that “she eats whatever she wants and never gains weight.” But the thing is all I ate was whatever I eat when I’m out with my friend and didn’t really eat anything at home. I used to average 500-1,000 calories a day depending but to my friends, it was like I was having high calorie meals and never gaining weight. Generally speaking, most people are in the same ball park of metabolism within their height range, so if someone is skinny or fit, it’s because they aren’t eating as much or working out.
Me too.4 -
You can view yourself as being a victim or a survivor. Rather than thinking that everything isn't fair, think of it as "I have survived this so far and can come out the other end". Look at all of your strengths rather than where you feel you are a failure. Counselling to change that mindset would be beneficial.
You could look at me an be jealous because I am thin. From my appearance, you could think I have my life together. What you don't know behind that smile is that fact that I used to be around 80 pounds heavier and that the only reason I am thin, my motivation, was the death of my daughter. You wouldn't see that behind that fake smile is a heavy heart that struggles from one day to the next. Despite all of this I am a survivor. Every day I manage to get myself out of bed and moving. I manage to keep up with the demands of being a wife and a mother and have even returned to uni where I keep up with the demands of being a student. Has life been fair for me? Hell no. I have gone through every mother's worst nightmare. Am I going to use this as an excuse for not achieving in life? Hell no. I am a survivor, not a victim.52 -
There are a lot of things in life that can seem unfair. To dwell on unfairness is a waste of time and energy. We have the ability to lose weight if we are willing to do what it takes to do it.4
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VeronicaRooney wrote: »How do you get past the feeling of "This is F'in unfair. Those skinny people don't exercise or eat right." or "They were raised to have a healthy lifestyle while we lived off of what we could" or "Its easier for them because they don't have kids."
Basically, excuse after excuse and I can't seem to get past this very bitter feeling every time I open a diet/ lifestyle/ health book. I get so bitter at the world and can't even focus on what I am reading or doing because all I can think about is how this is so F'in unfair.
Any advice?
Never mind anybody else, its nothing to do with them, its about you.
And, as harsh as it sounds, considering its physics - if you are over weight, thats entirely fair, because its a product of you consuming too many calories.
Not that Ive any desire to sound aggressive or upset you, rather - if we can get to the root of where any responsibility or fairness lays, then maybe we can shift our perspective on that?
Its a bit like paying off your credit card. You spent money you didnt have, now you need to work hard to clear the balance down.
Take it as a responsibility, it might sound strange but it is strangely freeing.
Instead of looking out and blaming the other, you look in - and when you realise everything is within your control, suddenly things start looking up...15 -
That way of thinking is just looking for excuses to be overweight. I could look at an overweight person and think "that's not fair, I should be able to eat whatever I want too"... Accept responsibility for your weight, and you will be much more driven to lose it.8
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Unfair = things that are out of our control
Life is unfair for sure - the person dealing with cancer will know that, the person who suffered the loss of their loved one.. the person who had their partner cheat, the person who has dementia...I could go on and on and on...
Losing weight is in our control.
Stop comparing - you can work on being the best version of you.
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A great quote from my country grandma, "Son, life ain't fair! Get over it!"13
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Therapy
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If it makes you feel better, I was that “she eats whatever she wants and never gains weight.” But the thing is all I ate was whatever I eat when I’m out with my friend and didn’t really eat anything at home. I used to average 500-1,000 calories a day depending but to my friends, it was like I was having high calorie meals and never gaining weight. Generally speaking, most people are in the same ball park of metabolism within their height range, so if someone is skinny or fit, it’s because they aren’t eating as much or working out.
Generally, I agree with this. I'm not thin by a long shot but I am now considered average after a huge loss. I eat pretty much the same as I always have when I'm out with friends. Couple slices of pizza and a beer or two. Burger no fries. One of my friends is always saying it's that I've had a metabolism shift, not calorie counting like it's my religion. She is wrong. When I am at home I'm eating regular meals but they are carefully calibrated and my breakfast is around 200 calories for example. I don't "just eat whatever". But because my friend eats with me twice a month and I eat "junk" or regular portions, she doesn't see the work I put into losing and maintaining the loss.
I know this is a highly controversial and heavily "wooed" opinion but I do believe that there is SOME individual stuff that plays into how much people weigh. I have many friends who have yo-yoed in weight through the years while generally staying in a pretty small range, let's say 150 to 180 lb. Meanwhile I have been in a range from 160 to over 300 lb. I ate too much but I refuse to believe that I ate like 3X some of these ladies' intake...others may say I'm wrong. But I don't believe it. I didn't binge or eat 4,000 calorie days. Now I don't think that's "normal" or even "fair" if that's a thing - but I do think it is almost always manageable. Looking at thin women who seem to eat a diet of chocolate and chicken strips is a pointless comparison.
ETA: I don't know how old you are, OP, but one thing I've noticed, especially after hitting 40, is a lot of my peers who have always been thin/average also have health issues from poor nutrition, just like heavier people often do. Being thin or looking fit doesn't mean you aren't unhealthy due to poor eating choices (and other factors). My aunt has barely eaten a veggie in her life, lives on fast food - she is attractive and 62 and has ALWAYS been skinny but she has horrible blood pressure, cholesterol, chronic constipation, etc.12 -
“No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change.”
– Barbara DeAngelis
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My Dad used to tell me, GET OVER IT SON, when I would whine about unfairness in life. Man I miss him!8
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nighthawk584 wrote: »My Dad used to tell me, GET OVER IT SON, when I would whine about unfairness in life. Man I miss him!
Damn strait. We are delt a hand. It might be a pair of queens. We can look at it as, well I will probably lose to 3 of a kind, or we play it.6 -
You feel this way because you've likely never really sat down and appreciate you. EVERYONE has good things in them and about them however small it may seem. And when you start the focus on the good, then you have less negative thoughts. If the approach to ANY GOAL is that of "others are luckier" than you, then you'll likely fail because you feel inferior. That's why more than 50% of people DON'T try to improve on anything in their life. So you get to make the choice. But always look at the glass as half full. It makes a difference.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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“Comparison is the death of joy.” ― Mark Twain12
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VeronicaRooney wrote: »How do you get past the feeling of "This is F'in unfair. Those skinny people don't exercise or eat right." or "They were raised to have a healthy lifestyle while we lived off of what we could" or "Its easier for them because they don't have kids."
Basically, excuse after excuse and I can't seem to get past this very bitter feeling every time I open a diet/ lifestyle/ health book. I get so bitter at the world and can't even focus on what I am reading or doing because all I can think about is how this is so F'in unfair.
Any advice?
Yeah, and you aren't going to like me after I add to the already good advice you've gotten.
I took a peek at your profile and photos. It's set to public after all.
You have 3 beautiful, seemingly healthy kids.
You have a home.
You have food to cook, even if you don't cook often.
You're quite good looking yourself.
You're apparently healthy other than not being at the weight you want to be at.
You are not going to "think" yourself into a good mindset. So start Acting your way into one. Every day when you get up, write down the things you're blessed with, and don't sling any "I don't have any" BS at me.
You have eyesight? How about 4 limbs that work? Hearing? Those kids? Just do it, then start acting as if you're grateful for what you have. Then, if you want to achieve the look that you like, simple. DO what everyone else that you envy had to do to get it.
See, I read your post and immediately thought of my good friends wife. Beautiful woman inside and out. Never, ever complains or cries. She's 51, adores her husband and son, lives a clean, purposeful life, and probably won't see 52 due to the stage 4 cancer eating her alive.
That...see...that is what I call unfair.
Turn it around and get grateful for life while you have time. It's worth it.
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Simple - be totally selfish and do it entirely for yourself. We do so much for other people, now it's time to be just selfish for once.3
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samhennings wrote: »VeronicaRooney wrote: »How do you get past the feeling of "This is F'in unfair. Those skinny people don't exercise or eat right." or "They were raised to have a healthy lifestyle while we lived off of what we could" or "Its easier for them because they don't have kids."
Basically, excuse after excuse and I can't seem to get past this very bitter feeling every time I open a diet/ lifestyle/ health book. I get so bitter at the world and can't even focus on what I am reading or doing because all I can think about is how this is so F'in unfair.
Any advice?
Never mind anybody else, its nothing to do with them, its about you.
And, as harsh as it sounds, considering its physics - if you are over weight, thats entirely fair, because its a product of you consuming too many calories.
Not that Ive any desire to sound aggressive or upset you, rather - if we can get to the root of where any responsibility or fairness lays, then maybe we can shift our perspective on that?
Its a bit like paying off your credit card. You spent money you didnt have, now you need to work hard to clear the balance down.
Take it as a responsibility, it might sound strange but it is strangely freeing.
Instead of looking out and blaming the other, you look in - and when you realise everything is within your control, suddenly things start looking up...
This is so true.
I have recently been going through a hard time. I couldn’t seem to stop focusing on the bad stuff I was dealing with. When I finally decided that I was going to switch my focus inward, things suddenly got so much better. I wasn’t waiting for someone else to make me happy. I decided I was going to focus on myself and doing things that made me happy, regardless of things that were going on around me.
Ironically, that shift in mindset is what led me to come back to MFP and start losing weight again. I am doing it for myself. I have read other people say that phrase before and I always thought it sounded like lip service, but I finally get it now.
Stop putting your focus on other people and put it on yourself instead. You will be so much better for it.
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I just came here to say that I KNOW THIS THOUGHT WELL. It kept me from my own successes for a long time, because I felt like it was unjust that I struggled with eating for comfort, and other people seemed to have such an easy breezy relationship with food.
1. Cognitive behavioral therapy helped a lot.
2. The idea of “some people don’t have to pay close attention to what they eat, but I am one of the many people who must pay close attention in order to feel like my best self” was very helpful.
3. I learned (through this site and others) that a much bigger portion of the population than I thought is actually struggling with the same things I am struggling with. I’m not alone; other people have to watch their way-of-eating and habits very closely, just like me. It’s natural for humans to eat for comfort and joy; I’m not a freak who gains weight for no reason! Most of us have to start watching what we eat eventually; it’s part of being an adult.10 -
VeronicaRooney wrote: »How do you get past the feeling of "This is F'in unfair. Those skinny people don't exercise or eat right." or "They were raised to have a healthy lifestyle while we lived off of what we could" or "Its easier for them because they don't have kids."
Basically, excuse after excuse and I can't seem to get past this very bitter feeling every time I open a diet/ lifestyle/ health book. I get so bitter at the world and can't even focus on what I am reading or doing because all I can think about is how this is so F'in unfair.
Any advice?
Yeah, and you aren't going to like me after I add to the already good advice you've gotten.
I took a peek at your profile and photos. It's set to public after all.
You have 3 beautiful, seemingly healthy kids.
You have a home.
You have food to cook, even if you don't cook often.
You're quite good looking yourself.
You're apparently healthy other than not being at the weight you want to be at.
You are not going to "think" yourself into a good mindset. So start Acting your way into one. Every day when you get up, write down the things you're blessed with, and don't sling any "I don't have any" BS at me.
You have eyesight? How about 4 limbs that work? Hearing? Those kids? Just do it, then start acting as if you're grateful for what you have. Then, if you want to achieve the look that you like, simple. DO what everyone else that you envy had to do to get it.
See, I read your post and immediately thought of my good friends wife. Beautiful woman inside and out. Never, ever complains or cries. She's 51, adores her husband and son, lives a clean, purposeful life, and probably won't see 52 due to the stage 4 cancer eating her alive.
That...see...that is what I call unfair.
Turn it around and get grateful for life while you have time. It's worth it.
Well said.8
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