You're not good enough..

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Replies

  • mtndewme
    mtndewme Posts: 724 Member
    I mean, yeah. I remember a time when I was a teen that I felt that I didn't deserve friends until I got better looking. Seems like a dumb concept but ya know, teens. In my early twenties I took myself to get a manicure and pedicure which I'd never had a professional one before. I had to will myself to not cry in that nail salon because I felt like no one should be washing my feet and I wasn't good enough to be there. I feel that way a lot in rich areas in general.
  • your_future_ex_wife
    your_future_ex_wife Posts: 4,278 Member
    There's a laundry list on this, unfortunately:
    • I've been overweight my entire life. I have never been "the thin, pretty one" and probably never will be. I am in my 30s now and still coming to grips with the fact that I will probably never get below 190 ever again unless I starve myself and exercise 2 or more hours daily.
    • I did go to college and waste a bunch of money on a degree I thought was worthwhile only to realize that I am completely inept at what I studied and will never be successful at it.
    • I can't keep any IRL friends for any length of meaningful time unless I keep them at arm's length or further. Anyone that gets close to me eventually leaves in a huff over something (though why I do not know). Even someone I thought who would never leave did.. after a decade of very close friendship.
    • I will never be successful at anything I attempt. Depression, anxiety or any other number of excuses will always get in the way. I can never put myself first fully. I just can't.
    • I am not conventionally pretty, so I make up for this by being extremely intelligent and unconventionally "quirky" to the point that people find it offputting and so leave me alone.
    • Let's just face it: I'm not "good enough" at anything. Some days, I barely manage to get up at all.

    This list goes on and on, but honestly? It's depressing, so blah.

    I feel the pain here. 💔
  • cdubks88
    cdubks88 Posts: 3,573 Member
    Just_Mel_ wrote: »
    Yep. Try the dating world as a fat girl, it's really really bad for your self esteem. Like, I know I have a good personality and I have most my shiit together but every time a dating situation doesn't work out or go anywhere, I just know it's because I'm not hot enough. Like there is always gonna be someone better out there so they think that I'm not worthy enough of investing time in.

    @Just_Mel_ The right person will see your intrinsic beauty and see how it is what makes you beautiful on the outside. It's not about being "hot". You have amazing intrinsic value and are valued, even if you don't feel or know it.

    I think people put too much premium on exterior "paint" when the interior is really where it's at. :smiley:

    You are enough.
  • your_future_ex_wife
    your_future_ex_wife Posts: 4,278 Member
    mtndewme wrote: »
    I mean, yeah. I remember a time when I was a teen that I felt that I didn't deserve friends until I got better looking. Seems like a dumb concept but ya know, teens. In my early twenties I took myself to get a manicure and pedicure which I'd never had a professional one before. I had to will myself to not cry in that nail salon because I felt like no one should be washing my feet and I wasn't good enough to be there. I feel that way a lot in rich areas in general.

    That’s such a visceral reaction you described. I get it.
  • cdubks88
    cdubks88 Posts: 3,573 Member
    mtndewme wrote: »
    I mean, yeah. I remember a time when I was a teen that I felt that I didn't deserve friends until I got better looking. Seems like a dumb concept but ya know, teens. In my early twenties I took myself to get a manicure and pedicure which I'd never had a professional one before. I had to will myself to not cry in that nail salon because I felt like no one should be washing my feet and I wasn't good enough to be there. I feel that way a lot in rich areas in general.

    @mtndewme It's not about looking a certain way or having an amount of money or anything like that. It's about the value you naturally have. It's yours and who you are. That value is what makes you good enough, regardless of whether you feel it or not. You have people behind you that are rooting for you. You are good enough!
  • KosmosKitten
    KosmosKitten Posts: 10,476 Member
    Just_Mel_ wrote: »
    Yep. Try the dating world as a fat girl, it's really really bad for your self esteem. Like, I know I have a good personality and I have most my shiit together but every time a dating situation doesn't work out or go anywhere, I just know it's because I'm not hot enough. Like there is always gonna be someone better out there so they think that I'm not worthy enough of investing time in.

    Not sure how it is now as I've been out of the dating loop for a very long time, but I can verify that this is true even for face-to-face dating and hookups. The fat girls are never seen as viable long term partners, but pretty much a cute "village bicycle" that they can pass around until they get bored with you.

    Sadly, I speak from long-term experience on this. I can only imagine Tinder and other apps are probably no better than my offline dating experiences.

    Though to be fair, there are some decent people out there and not everyone is going to treat a person like the above, it's just.. I have run into too many who have and think it's totally "okay" simply because I'm "chubby" or "fat" as though that makes me a non-person.
  • cdubks88
    cdubks88 Posts: 3,573 Member
    I'm worried I'm not good enough to be a parent. I'm pregnant with my first and I have no *kitten* clue what I'm doing. My anxiety is kicking in and I'm terrified I'm going to be awful at it. My mom has said many times she thinks she's a bad mom and didn't want kids and my sister is a horribly selfish parent to her son so what if it's genetic and I'm exactly like them?

    That's what I lived with for a long time. Have 5 kids and worried "what if I screw these kids up?" all the time. Still do from time to time. I realized I knew I was going to make mistakes. There's not a parent on the planet that doesn't. The key for me was what I did with it. It will be nerve wracking.....being a parent can be. But you can do it. Love them with your whole heart. Have the best of intentions. Teach them well. Admit your mistakes. Know you are enough.

    You are.

    Rooting for you!
  • steveko89
    steveko89 Posts: 2,216 Member
    mtndewme wrote: »
    I mean, yeah. I remember a time when I was a teen that I felt that I didn't deserve friends until I got better looking. Seems like a dumb concept but ya know, teens. In my early twenties I took myself to get a manicure and pedicure which I'd never had a professional one before. I had to will myself to not cry in that nail salon because I felt like no one should be washing my feet and I wasn't good enough to be there. I feel that way a lot in rich areas in general.

    That’s such a visceral reaction you described. I get it.

    Agreed. I think many feel this way about a variety of different scenarios and never talk about it. In college I never used the weight room at the rec because I felt like I didn't deserve to be there, trying to get stronger. As an adult I opted to purchase my own equipment than join a gym largely for the same reason. In a way it was freeing because it's inarguable that I don't deserve it; I bought it, but at the same time I doubt I could walk into a public gym and feel at ease, despite probably being at least above average on the strength spectrum for most gyms.
  • KosmosKitten
    KosmosKitten Posts: 10,476 Member
    mtndewme wrote: »
    I mean, yeah. I remember a time when I was a teen that I felt that I didn't deserve friends until I got better looking. Seems like a dumb concept but ya know, teens. In my early twenties I took myself to get a manicure and pedicure which I'd never had a professional one before. I had to will myself to not cry in that nail salon because I felt like no one should be washing my feet and I wasn't good enough to be there. I feel that way a lot in rich areas in general.

    You just described pretty much the entire reason why I don't go to get manicures or pedicures. I've been maybe.. twice in my entire life? And not because I wanted to go (one was wedding request and the other was to cheer up a friend who wanted to go) And yes, I relate 100% to how you feel and I just can't get past those feelings, particularly in more affluent well-to-do areas.
  • cdubks88
    cdubks88 Posts: 3,573 Member
    Just_Mel_ wrote: »
    Yep. Try the dating world as a fat girl, it's really really bad for your self esteem. Like, I know I have a good personality and I have most my shiit together but every time a dating situation doesn't work out or go anywhere, I just know it's because I'm not hot enough. Like there is always gonna be someone better out there so they think that I'm not worthy enough of investing time in.

    Not sure how it is now as I've been out of the dating loop for a very long time, but I can verify that this is true even for face-to-face dating and hookups. The fat girls are never seen as viable long term partners, but pretty much a cute "village bicycle" that they can pass around until they get bored with you.

    Sadly, I speak from long-term experience on this. I can only imagine Tinder and other apps are probably no better than my offline dating experiences.

    Though to be fair, there are some decent people out there and not everyone is going to treat a person like the above, it's just.. I have run into too many who have and think it's totally "okay" simply because I'm "chubby" or "fat" as though that makes me a non-person.

    @CanesGalactica No excuses from me for other dudes, but if they're treating you like that, they're D-bags and don't deserve you.

    You are worth way more than that. Guys who see and know personal worth do exist....I just doubt they frequent Tinder.

    You are good enough, regardless. Please don't ever let anyone, including you, tell you that. You are. You have value and that value is you - exactly who you are.

    I'm sorry you feel that way, but please know there are those who know you have worth and are good enough.

    Rooting for you!
  • your_future_ex_wife
    your_future_ex_wife Posts: 4,278 Member
    I'm worried I'm not good enough to be a parent. I'm pregnant with my first and I have no *kitten* clue what I'm doing. My anxiety is kicking in and I'm terrified I'm going to be awful at it. My mom has said many times she thinks she's a bad mom and didn't want kids and my sister is a horribly selfish parent to her son so what if it's genetic and I'm exactly like them?

    I couldn’t believe they let me leave the hospital with my baby.

    Even good parents feel the way you describe fairly often. And even good parents *kitten* up. And your kids will definitely blame you for something no matter what you do.

    If I could do the baby time over again, I’d get/accept help so I could sleep more, I’d cuddle and look my babies in the eyes and smile a lot more, and I’d communicate my needs more clearly and forcefully to my partner.
  • cee134
    cee134 Posts: 33,711 Member
    Just_Mel_ wrote: »
    Yep. Try the dating world as a fat girl, it's really really bad for your self esteem. Like, I know I have a good personality and I have most my shiit together but every time a dating situation doesn't work out or go anywhere, I just know it's because I'm not hot enough. Like there is always gonna be someone better out there so they think that I'm not worthy enough of investing time in.

    You're actually dodging bullets because if guys did that to you they will do that to the next person too.
  • cdubks88
    cdubks88 Posts: 3,573 Member
    cee134 wrote: »
    You're actually dodging bullets because if guys did that to you they will do that to the next person too.

    This. GREAT comment.
  • isalsayourface123
    isalsayourface123 Posts: 2,153 Member
    cdubks88 wrote: »
    I never finished college so I am not good enough for meaningful work

    ETA: or even work that pays a living wage apparently

    I have no doubt you can and probably already do meaningful work, even if it's not at work. I know lots of folks who have degrees and couldn't be doing more meaningless work.

    If you ever decide to pursue more education, please do yourself a favor and DON'T let you get in the way of that progress. I did for a long time.

    You're never too old. You're smart enough. You CAN do it. I didn't finish up my bachelor's until I was 37.

    I'm becoming more and more convinced the older I get that meaning in our "work" is finding that thing we're passionate about and doing it.

    I'm rooting for you!

    I agree with this post...took me years with my babies at home. Graduated at 34...hope to get my masters next.
  • cdubks88
    cdubks88 Posts: 3,573 Member
    I agree with this post...took me years with my babies at home. Graduated at 34...hope to get my masters next.

    Love to hear this kind of thing. So encouraging.

    Good luck on your masters!