You're not good enough..
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your_future_ex_wife wrote: »I mean, yeah. I remember a time when I was a teen that I felt that I didn't deserve friends until I got better looking. Seems like a dumb concept but ya know, teens. In my early twenties I took myself to get a manicure and pedicure which I'd never had a professional one before. I had to will myself to not cry in that nail salon because I felt like no one should be washing my feet and I wasn't good enough to be there. I feel that way a lot in rich areas in general.
That’s such a visceral reaction you described. I get it.
Agreed. I think many feel this way about a variety of different scenarios and never talk about it. In college I never used the weight room at the rec because I felt like I didn't deserve to be there, trying to get stronger. As an adult I opted to purchase my own equipment than join a gym largely for the same reason. In a way it was freeing because it's inarguable that I don't deserve it; I bought it, but at the same time I doubt I could walk into a public gym and feel at ease, despite probably being at least above average on the strength spectrum for most gyms.3 -
I mean, yeah. I remember a time when I was a teen that I felt that I didn't deserve friends until I got better looking. Seems like a dumb concept but ya know, teens. In my early twenties I took myself to get a manicure and pedicure which I'd never had a professional one before. I had to will myself to not cry in that nail salon because I felt like no one should be washing my feet and I wasn't good enough to be there. I feel that way a lot in rich areas in general.
You just described pretty much the entire reason why I don't go to get manicures or pedicures. I've been maybe.. twice in my entire life? And not because I wanted to go (one was wedding request and the other was to cheer up a friend who wanted to go) And yes, I relate 100% to how you feel and I just can't get past those feelings, particularly in more affluent well-to-do areas.2 -
DonutEatThat wrote: »I'm worried I'm not good enough to be a parent. I'm pregnant with my first and I have no *kitten* clue what I'm doing. My anxiety is kicking in and I'm terrified I'm going to be awful at it. My mom has said many times she thinks she's a bad mom and didn't want kids and my sister is a horribly selfish parent to her son so what if it's genetic and I'm exactly like them?
I was like this before I had my son. I never wanted children (still don't) and my mother was only a "mother" in name, despite having adopted me (so you'd think she'd WANT to be around children). I was constantly told by her that I was worthless, a fat *kitten*, etc. so I grew up alone, sad and had extremely low self-esteem. And because of how I was treated, I was convinced I would turn out to be exactly the same. Selfish, mean, unloving.
Now while my pregnancy was fine (as far as those go), the after was a bit harsh. I didn't bond to my child immediately and thought he was trying to kill me (PPP is a whole lotta fun!). Eventually, though.. I realized I loved him enough that I would protect and care for him and while I'm not a super aggressive "be a mom all the time" kinda person, I'm not as a bad a parent as I thought, even though I never wanted this role.
He's almost 8 now and still alive and happy, so if I can do it, I think you'll do just fine.
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CanesGalactica wrote: »Yep. Try the dating world as a fat girl, it's really really bad for your self esteem. Like, I know I have a good personality and I have most my shiit together but every time a dating situation doesn't work out or go anywhere, I just know it's because I'm not hot enough. Like there is always gonna be someone better out there so they think that I'm not worthy enough of investing time in.
Not sure how it is now as I've been out of the dating loop for a very long time, but I can verify that this is true even for face-to-face dating and hookups. The fat girls are never seen as viable long term partners, but pretty much a cute "village bicycle" that they can pass around until they get bored with you.
Sadly, I speak from long-term experience on this. I can only imagine Tinder and other apps are probably no better than my offline dating experiences.
Though to be fair, there are some decent people out there and not everyone is going to treat a person like the above, it's just.. I have run into too many who have and think it's totally "okay" simply because I'm "chubby" or "fat" as though that makes me a non-person.
@CanesGalactica No excuses from me for other dudes, but if they're treating you like that, they're D-bags and don't deserve you.
You are worth way more than that. Guys who see and know personal worth do exist....I just doubt they frequent Tinder.
You are good enough, regardless. Please don't ever let anyone, including you, tell you that. You are. You have value and that value is you - exactly who you are.
I'm sorry you feel that way, but please know there are those who know you have worth and are good enough.
Rooting for you!1 -
DonutEatThat wrote: »I'm worried I'm not good enough to be a parent. I'm pregnant with my first and I have no *kitten* clue what I'm doing. My anxiety is kicking in and I'm terrified I'm going to be awful at it. My mom has said many times she thinks she's a bad mom and didn't want kids and my sister is a horribly selfish parent to her son so what if it's genetic and I'm exactly like them?
I couldn’t believe they let me leave the hospital with my baby.
Even good parents feel the way you describe fairly often. And even good parents *kitten* up. And your kids will definitely blame you for something no matter what you do.
If I could do the baby time over again, I’d get/accept help so I could sleep more, I’d cuddle and look my babies in the eyes and smile a lot more, and I’d communicate my needs more clearly and forcefully to my partner.3 -
Yep. Try the dating world as a fat girl, it's really really bad for your self esteem. Like, I know I have a good personality and I have most my shiit together but every time a dating situation doesn't work out or go anywhere, I just know it's because I'm not hot enough. Like there is always gonna be someone better out there so they think that I'm not worthy enough of investing time in.
You're actually dodging bullets because if guys did that to you they will do that to the next person too.3 -
your_future_ex_wife wrote: »I never finished college so I am not good enough for meaningful work
ETA: or even work that pays a living wage apparently
I have no doubt you can and probably already do meaningful work, even if it's not at work. I know lots of folks who have degrees and couldn't be doing more meaningless work.
If you ever decide to pursue more education, please do yourself a favor and DON'T let you get in the way of that progress. I did for a long time.
You're never too old. You're smart enough. You CAN do it. I didn't finish up my bachelor's until I was 37.
I'm becoming more and more convinced the older I get that meaning in our "work" is finding that thing we're passionate about and doing it.
I'm rooting for you!
I agree with this post...took me years with my babies at home. Graduated at 34...hope to get my masters next.2 -
isalsayourface123 wrote: »I agree with this post...took me years with my babies at home. Graduated at 34...hope to get my masters next.
Love to hear this kind of thing. So encouraging.
Good luck on your masters!
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DonutEatThat wrote: »I'm worried I'm not good enough to be a parent. I'm pregnant with my first and I have no *kitten* clue what I'm doing. My anxiety is kicking in and I'm terrified I'm going to be awful at it. My mom has said many times she thinks she's a bad mom and didn't want kids and my sister is a horribly selfish parent to her son so what if it's genetic and I'm exactly like them?
I had never even babysat when my had my first. I was terrified. It works out.3 -
DonutEatThat wrote: »I'm worried I'm not good enough to be a parent. I'm pregnant with my first and I have no *kitten* clue what I'm doing. My anxiety is kicking in and I'm terrified I'm going to be awful at it. My mom has said many times she thinks she's a bad mom and didn't want kids and my sister is a horribly selfish parent to her son so what if it's genetic and I'm exactly like them?
I think you make your own goals for the type of parent you want to be based on what you liked about your parents and didn't. You are always able to ask for help along the way, but I think you'll surprise yourself.3 -
I set my own standards. I am NOT good enough. I don't believe in telling myself a fallacy that I am good enough.
I used to think like this and that it drove me to be better. It probably did to an extent but if you let the thoughts always be negative and the message shifts from "you can be better, go out and get it" to "you're not good enough, you piece of garbage" all the time it becomes counter-productive; at least it did for me.1 -
Yep. Try the dating world as a fat girl, it's really really bad for your self esteem. Like, I know I have a good personality and I have most my shiit together but every time a dating situation doesn't work out or go anywhere, I just know it's because I'm not hot enough. Like there is always gonna be someone better out there so they think that I'm not worthy enough of investing time in.
First of all, you’re not fat and I think you’re gorgeous.
Also, I have felt exactly the way you are feeling many times. I actually don’t think it is that. I wonder if men choose whatever woman is easier or familiar for whatever reason.
Also, some men are dumb.
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I set my own standards. I am NOT good enough. I don't believe in telling myself a fallacy that I am good enough.
I used to think like this and that it drove me to be better. It probably did to an extent but if you let the thoughts always be negative and the message shifts from "you can be better, go out and get it" to "you're not good enough, you piece of garbage" all the time it becomes counter-productive; at least it did for me.
Theres studies that show change and improvement happens more regularly/effectively with positive words, motivation and reinforcement...bashing yourself will not help you in the long run.3 -
Yes... much younger in life.
- Toxic family culture...
- Bullied (by today's standards) by neighborhood kids on a daily basis from 2nd - 12th grade
- Finding my passion and then being told by many that "I suck" at it during my years of trying to develop it. This was like "the straw" moment that totally deflated me for years.
Many times it haunts me even at this age. However I think I have figured out (in some cases) how to put it in it's place.0 -
I'm not sure if it is helpful, but hope it's not pompous; I try not to have regrets and remain optimistic that I am able to achieve goals. It's how to get there that challenges. I mean to say that you are good enough, but keep in mind that choices and sacrifices or consequences are omnipresent. The best path choice defined by YOU is what to focus on.2
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I can honestly say, I don’t think I’ve ever felt good enough for anything or anyone.7
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I'm not sure if it is helpful, but hope it's not pompous; I try not to have regrets and remain optimistic that I am able to achieve goals. It's how to get there that challenges. I mean to say that you are good enough, but keep in mind that choices and sacrifices or consequences are omnipresent. The best path choice defined by YOU is what to focus on.
@s131951
Unless I'm misunderstanding what you're saying, I don't think there's a pompous thing about any of what you said. I think it's what I try to say but don't do as good of job of it.
We (people) have done a lot of harm to the perception of innate personal value. We've created our own standards (whatever they may be - looks, acceptance, body image, work, you name it) and judged others by those standards instead of helping them understand that simple thing you already do - that we have value, talents and abilities and it doesn't make us pompous or holier than thou to recognize that's what we've been given.
Knowing that doesn't negate the consequences of our choices, good or bad, just like you said. But knowing can at least help. It's a place to start.
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I'm not sure if it is helpful, but hope it's not pompous; I try not to have regrets and remain optimistic that I am able to achieve goals. It's how to get there that challenges. I mean to say that you are good enough, but keep in mind that choices and sacrifices or consequences are omnipresent. The best path choice defined by YOU is what to focus on.
@s131951
Unless I'm misunderstanding what you're saying, I don't think there's a pompous thing about any of what you said. I think it's what I try to say but don't do as good of job of it.
We (people) have done a lot of harm to the perception of innate personal value. We've created our own standards (whatever they may be - looks, acceptance, body image, work, you name it) and judged others by those standards instead of helping them understand that simple thing you already do - that we have value, talents and abilities and it doesn't make us pompous or holier than thou to recognize that's what we've been given.
Knowing that doesn't negate the consequences of our choices, good or bad, just like you said. But knowing can at least help. It's a place to start.
Thank you.
I just didn't want it to seem like I thought I had a better grasp on anything than others or knew better. I've been down the road of feeling inferior, but analyzing my actions led me to believe it was sacrifice or not the best choice for me.1 -
I'm not sure if it is helpful, but hope it's not pompous; I try not to have regrets and remain optimistic that I am able to achieve goals. It's how to get there that challenges. I mean to say that you are good enough, but keep in mind that choices and sacrifices or consequences are omnipresent. The best path choice defined by YOU is what to focus on.
@s131951
Unless I'm misunderstanding what you're saying, I don't think there's a pompous thing about any of what you said. I think it's what I try to say but don't do as good of job of it.
We (people) have done a lot of harm to the perception of innate personal value. We've created our own standards (whatever they may be - looks, acceptance, body image, work, you name it) and judged others by those standards instead of helping them understand that simple thing you already do - that we have value, talents and abilities and it doesn't make us pompous or holier than thou to recognize that's what we've been given.
Knowing that doesn't negate the consequences of our choices, good or bad, just like you said. But knowing can at least help. It's a place to start.
Thank you.
I just didn't want it to seem like I thought I had a better grasp on anything than others or knew better. I've been down the road of feeling inferior, but analyzing my actions led me to believe it was sacrifice or not the best choice for me.
@s131951 Man, I hope that's not how I'm coming across. I'm not looking to come off pompous, have it all together or have all the answers. I just appreciate the opportunity to encourage people and know with absolute certainty one way I can is to help others see their worth/value. That's all I want. My apologies if I came across any other way.0 -
Deadman_Diggingup wrote: »I can honestly say, I don’t think I’ve ever felt good enough for anything or anyone.
@Deadman_Diggingup I don't know you, but I know you have value and worth and that means something. I hope you know others know it too.1 -
These constant skin problems I've been plagued with all my life are really not adding to my self-esteem. To know that I will always have acne that can't be covered up with makeup (it all just makes it worse), to know that it's nothing I'm doing wrong that is causing this.. just that I was cursed and born this way.. yeah, sorry.. I feel like a failure at life.. and I can't even do anything about it.
Cystic acne, pilaris keratosis, oily skin, stupid *kitten* forehead ridges that make me look ancient and mean... *kitten*, man. I just can't win.3 -
I have huge imposter syndrome in my career--I illustrate picture books--and I am always criticizing myself because I'm not as good, fast, creative, whatever as other illustrators. Sometimes, it cripples me to non-action and I'll put my art on the backburner. Pretty damned annoying.
I used to get very frustrated with my looks--especially a large overbite and visible gums--until came to the conclusion I was being vain and I stopped caring. I didnt want to have vanity in my life.
The first time I ever felt I saw some semblance of beauty in myself was after having my first child. His eyes are identical to mine--how could I feel my son was the absolute definition of beauty and completely reject it in myself.3 -
I have huge imposter syndrome in my career--I illustrate picture books--and I am always criticizing myself because I'm not as good, fast, creative, whatever as other illustrators. Sometimes, it cripples me to non-action and I'll put my art on the backburner. Pretty damned annoying.
I used to get very frustrated with my looks--especially a large overbite and visible gums--until came to the conclusion I was being vain and I stopped caring. I didnt want to have vanity in my life.
The first time I ever felt I saw some semblance of beauty in myself was after having my first child. His eyes are identical to mine--how could I feel my son was the absolute definition of beauty and completely reject it in myself.
❤️ My boys look just like me and they’re gorgeous so I guess I’m alright 😁1 -
I guess I can empathize. I was never big on my looks. I've been contradicted, but it doesn't sink in much.
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Its funny, not ha ha but interesting funny, whenever one of my kids says they aren't good enough I always tell them to never say that because not only are they good enough, they are BETTER than good enough. Is so easy to teach them not to take any $h!t from others, yet we are so good at taking $h!t from ourselves.4
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your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
Yes, I can be nice and empathetic.1
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