How to deal with sweet's in the home
Replies
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jennifer_417 wrote: »jennifer_417 wrote: »You are trying to change yourself, right? Not your wife or anyone else? No one is obligated to change anything because you are.
Your partner should try to find a way to support your goals even if they are not their own. That is part of being in a relationship. I do agree that banning food from the home is not a place to start but asking her to change some of her behaviors is not asking much. We are heavily influenced by the people in our lives and our environment. For many, maybe most, eating at home is where we are most vulnerable because that is where most of it happens.
Yes, I agree, they should. But the original question had to do with how to handle sweets in the house, to which the only answer is personal responsibility.
Why is that the ONLY answer? Why can't the answer be personal responsibility PLUS cooperation? Maybe the answer will have to be personal responsibility only but the OP is, hopefully, not there yet.
To me some of the responses here are teetering on what the wife's first response was which was basically to have more willpower. Willpower is unreliable and exhausting. Most diets fail. All of mine that relied on heavy amounts of willpower failed.
Those of us that got as heavy or heavier than the OP have a lot of bad habits to break and a lot of new habits to form. This is not something that is done, or at least not done often, by waking up one morning a different person. It is a education process that is ongoing with varying results of success and failure until hopefully the successes win the day most of the time. Any help is a good thing.
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jennifer_417 wrote: »jennifer_417 wrote: »You are trying to change yourself, right? Not your wife or anyone else? No one is obligated to change anything because you are.
Your partner should try to find a way to support your goals even if they are not their own. That is part of being in a relationship. I do agree that banning food from the home is not a place to start but asking her to change some of her behaviors is not asking much. We are heavily influenced by the people in our lives and our environment. For many, maybe most, eating at home is where we are most vulnerable because that is where most of it happens.
Yes, I agree, they should. But the original question had to do with how to handle sweets in the house, to which the only answer is personal responsibility.
Why is that the ONLY answer? Why can't the answer be personal responsibility PLUS cooperation? Maybe the answer will have to be personal responsibility only but the OP is, hopefully, not there yet.
To me some of the responses here are teetering on what the wife's first response was which was basically to have more willpower. Willpower is unreliable and exhausting. Most diets fail. All of mine that relied on heavy amounts of willpower failed.
Those of us that got as heavy or heavier than the OP have a lot of bad habits to break and a lot of new habits to form. This is not something that is done, or at least not done often, by waking up one morning a different person. It is a education process that is ongoing with varying results of success and failure until hopefully the successes win the day most of the time. Any help is a good thing.
There absolutely should be cooperation, on some lever. But the difficult truth here is that this guy has talked until he's blue in the face and not gotten it, and he can't count on that changing. So, the only option left at that point is taking control over his own choices.7 -
airforceman1978 wrote: »Ok the thing is they know if I don't lose weight I'll be dead in 10 years probably sooner. I am having massive vtac and pvc issue brought on by weight. I have already had 1 stent 1 major heart attack and 3 cardiac ablation done by age 41. I only crave cookies and chips and dip. I don't care what else they bring home. There's been cheesecake in house for over a week. Which I love by the way. So i do have willpower around most foods. It is just hard with certain foods.airforceman1978 wrote: »First I have talked with wife and I laws many times my mom thinks the in laws try to sabotage me on purpose. I fine with them being in the house just don't make me unload the things from the truck are see them. We eat out a lot and I have no problem with the fried crap they order I just was looking for ways to keep me from having to see deal with the food
I think fixing your life-or-death health conditions would be easier if your in-laws weren't also in the home. Then your wife would just be buying foods that trigger you for herself, and would have to take responsibility for that.
You're former Air Force? You should be able to get counseling, yes? I recommend discussing these issues with your wife and a counselor.
Meanwhile, do insist that if she must bring foods that trigger you into the house to keep them out of sight. I think this is a perfectly reasonable request of a spouse.2 -
I think asking your wife not to buy foods you are triggered by when there are 3 other adults in the house who are eating those foods - unrealistic.
But asking for a compromise - put the foods where you cant see them, dont buy one or two specific foods which are your downfall - ie xyz brand of cookies but buy every other sort she wants to, eat them when you are not around - yes that sort of compromise is reasonable.3 -
Motorsheen wrote: »Motorsheen wrote: »airforceman1978 wrote: »I have a huge problem with this. And no matter what I say wife brings the crap in. Last night she brought 3 dozen cookies and a pie home. And tells me I just need self control. If I had a abundance of that I would not be 400 pounds. And it's not like I am the only one in the house with a high bmi wife motherland fathering law all gave over 40. I just having a hard time not eating them because if I have 1 I'll eat a 4 our 5
Had I already made myself clear on the subject, and she still brought that into the home without any other special occasion in mind, I would have put most (or all) of it down the garbage disposal.
I would remind her that I wasn't joking and if she brought more of the same into the house, it would suffer the same result.
Harsh? Maybe... so what?
What's the worst thing that would happen? She get's upset?
I wouldn’t get upset id get petty.
No one should tolerate their perfectly good food getting thrown out in their own home. If their paying bills too (or not) and they bought it with their hard earned money you have no right touching their *kitten*. 😁
Reality is, no one owes you anything.
So, you're comparing the sell price of a $3.00 box of cookies to the staggering cost of morbid obesity ?
and/or.... are you more concerned about the wife's feelings than her husband's health ?
Honest Question Here:
Would you feel differently if the gender roles here were reversed and it was the husband blatantly sabotaging the wife's efforts to better herself ??
No I wouldn’t feel differently.
But I find that to be abusive in some form, because I’m not doing what you want, you throw my food in the garbage😐
I’m saying tho if I’m showing you blatantly that I’m not supporting you....Stop talking to me about it, stop wasting your voice. Do something helpful for yourself and leave, you know your lifeline is on the line, that should be motivation for yourself. I can’t sabotage you, you’re an individual.
At some point some point you just have to have your own back. Why should it take someone else to get my life together.
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Do you believe your wife sees herself as an enabler? Did your wife go with you to any follow up Dr. appointments? I just ask because based on the medical issues alone, I would have thought she would be in the loop of your battles you need to overcome.
Read lots of interesting ideas in this post. If your wife is doing the grocery shopping and expecting you to bring the food in from the truck. Tell her, sure but if you see any bag in truck with sweets in it. You are not bringing that bag into the house. She will be doing so, and putting said sweet off into an agreed upon cupboard.
Another thought to ponder, who does all of the cooking, and or baking? You could consider learning to bake with alternate flours, sugars so you could have cookies that are not laden with high carbs, and or too much fats. Or buy some that are in the stores. So you get some sweets, but not the sky high calorie laden ones. If wife will not buy for you, then you either go into store and buy or order online. It sure appears she has decided not to help you. So you need to decide, how to get around that, and how to help yourself. First step refuse to bring in bags with sweets. Not your problem.1 -
Mine modified his treats to the ones I don’t like. And for the things I do like, he hides from me. Works great.
If he came home with pies and cookies within my reach, my solution is to eat everything. And then he relearns my above rules.3 -
As Ann said above, you don't really have control over what your wife and in-laws do. You've asked and they've shown by their actions that they don't GAF. What you can control is what you do. If they get the pie out for dessert - leave the room and go for a walk. The cookies are left on the counter? Put them in a high cupboard. They want to go out for pizza? Make your own healthy meal or suggest an alternative that has choices that won't destroy your calorie goal. Figure out sweets that are lower in calories but still satisfying - like fruit. When frustration makes you want to eat everything in sight, go to the gym or go for a walk. If all else fails, and you see that living in your current situation is killing you, leave.
FWIW - I quit smoking the day after I realized that I couldn't go one full day (the Great American Smokeout) without a cigarette. I had to decide who was in charge of my life - me or the cigarettes. I lost weight and changed my lifestyle when I realized that there were all sorts of things in my life that I had no control over, and never would have control over, but I could control what I put in my mouth and how I moved my body. Focus on the things that you can change. There are more than you think.4 -
I feel your pain. Sweets are my weakness and my husband doesn't seem to realize I have a hard time giving up sweets. He thinks I should have some self control. At least recently, I have been trying not to buy sweets and only let him buy what he wants to bring in but hide it somewhere. Just typing this reply makes me want to go find some sweets he may have hidden in the house. Good luck to you.1
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Hiya airforce xx
First I’d like to say well done for even trying to diet and giving up any temptations xx
I think you should tell your wife if she wants to eat sugary treats, then not to eat them around you.Ask her for a bit of moral support and for her to tell you how well you are doing,keep it up etc x
Giving up chocolate,sweets biscuits etc can be really hard especially when you are really trying with your willpower and sometimes it gets you grumpy, it’s a bit like smoking.And when you see someone else doing it, you want to do it too.
Maybe asking your wife to go on a diet together? Have a challenge, see who can lose the most
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How bad do you really want it?
You may be in a self-induced food prison but what if you were really in a food prison. Let's say there's a huge buffet table put before you every single day. It contains all of your favorite foods including playfoods but there are rigid food rules and regulations.
You are not allowed to touch any of the playfoods because you've been given some boundaries. If you touch the playfoods there will be consequences. All kinds of consequences and some of them are downright scary. Those consequences scare the hail right out of you.
Would you be willing to touch them anyway? What if it meant that you might literally lose limbs due to T2...would you eat them anyway. Would you risk it all of the love of entertaining yourself with playfoods. What if there are adult playmates that take great delight in offering you those playfoods and they seriously don't give two hoots about you. At what point are you going to take the bull by the horns and start caring about yourself.
Come hail or high water, let all of them eat your dust. You will not be deterred.
That's what it takes. Pulling yourself UP by the bootstaps is a real thing out here. It's not just a quote. At some point, you've just got to start caring about yourself because no one and I mean no one can do any of this for you.
Take full responsibility for yourself. No more excuses and massive rationalization.
You have the support of everyone here but we're not there to help you through each day and night. You have someone that you sit down with...face-to-face and you discuss things. Start talking to yourself. Be strong and courageous and do not be discouraged. Start that diary and journal.4 -
I am sorry that you aren't getting as much support as you would like at home. I have a few things that I really have trouble controlling myself around - potato chips, Doritos. My husband has agreed to keep them out of the house. I would really consider some marital counseling if it continues to try to figure out why it is happening. I know we can't control others, but I think you are making a very reasonable request for support from your spouse. I hope everything works out for you.1
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Is it possible your wife heard the request as something bigger than you meant? E.g. “keep all sweets out of the house” vs. “these are the 2 or 3 items causing me the most trouble now; can you help me with these 2 or 3 items?”
That’s a wild guess that could be off the mark. What I do know, though, is that small changes pursued persistently produce big results while massive overnight changes often don’t succeed. Change is hard, mostly for the one changing but also for those around him. Breaking the help you need into small steps may increase the likelihood of getting what you need from the other adults in the house.
I totally agree with other comments re: buying treats for yourself that you genuinely enjoy and that fit into your plan, keeping your treats in a segregated cabinet, avoiding temptation where you can. Willpower is a limited resource so it’s great while it lasts but it’s undependable. Something stressful at work can deplete your cognitive reserve for willpower. Then what? It’s good to have strategies that minimize your dependence on willpower alone. You can strengthen willpower over time, but it also requires practice with small steps.
Best to you, OP. Take small steps and keep at it. It will get easier.2 -
Hm. I find this situation a bit contradictory. Your wife tells you that you need self control yet she's the one shopping extensively in the snacks isles. No offence, just my point of view.
It can be hard to do such things but there are ways around this. I had a friend who would come round to my house and eat all my snacks (I buy junk food and it lasts me months) and I got fed up of it. I had asked previously for them to stop but then they just started doing it secretly.
So, I bought those door alarms, the ones that go off when a door is opened; usually used for burglars. I attached it and when he went into my cupboard... priceless! Just about s*** himself. Haha. Needless to say, he started to ask to have something.
The idea in the long run though is that you (and everyone else in the household) will associate the sound with snacks (which makes it hard to sneak them late at night) and your brain will theoretically associate it with something negative and over time, you'll be less inclined to go into the snack cupboard. That and the fact that the sound is rather annoying. Lol.1 -
It is so, so so hard. I feel you. I had to move in with my parents after losing 100 lbs living by myself, and they have excessive food and sweets everywhere. I gained back 30 initially (though I have since lost it again).
What helped was several, several discussions with them, including about food addiction- I hate to compare the these because they're not quite the same, but I asked if they would give cigarettes to someone trying to quit smoking, or alcohol to someone who has issues with alcohol. I think that's when it clicked for my mother, anyway.
We reached a compromise. There are still tons of excess sweets in the house, but my parents keep their things in their closet or bedside drawers, where I am not likely to go. Their food is their food, and drawing that line helps. Is it possible your wife could have her own designated area for chips and sweets out of the kitchen and out of your line of sight?
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Motorsheen wrote: »"Honey, I weigh 400 pounds. I am trying to do something about that before I fall over dead - I want to be here and healthy for you. If I had the ability to resist temptation, I wouldn't be this weight, so I need your support. No more sweets in the house. Can you do that for me?"
Right?
.... and if her answer is "No." , what then ??
Really.... not wisecracking here.
How does one deal with an enabler ??
Not many people in a close relationship will flat-out refuse a heart-felt, direct appeal for help in doing something with life-or-death consequences.
A 400 lb person whose nascent efforts to lose weight are being sabotaged by a spouse needs to sit down with said spouse, lay out the problem, and insist that they work together as a team.
A "no" answer would hint at a deeper problem in the relationship than junk food, and that could be addressed in various ways, but my starting position would simply be: I need your help with this.
Dieting has many challenges, and I've learned that one of them is getting control of the situation with other people who aren't tuned in. I've dealt with more than my fair share of going to meet a friend for a meal and sitting down to a table full of fried onion rings and such. I've tried and tried to hint and get my needs across in a myriad subtle ways, to no avail. Eventually, I just got to a point where I would say, "I'm morbidly obese. I am trying to save my own life. It's a big project. Being surrounded by junk food makes it much harder. So what I need from you is to not make it even harder than it already is by putting crap food right in front of my face."
It works. In fits and starts, and not necessarily on the first rev. But by the 2nd or 3rd iteration, it sinks in.
How are you gonna go out with friends for a meal then try to dictate what they can and cannot order. Unless they ordered the food for you specifically where does that entitlement come from?
I personally dealt with it by never going out to eat with those friends. Either they understand my needs and want to eat with me, or they don’t. Why would I share a meal with someone who wasn’t on the same page I am? I wouldn’t drag a vegan to a steakhouse, and I don’t want to be dragged to a restaurant where all the meals are 1200 calories unless I order the side salad with no dressing.
That may mean losing friends, or finding things to do with them other than eating (which is what I did with my mother.) For me it’s worth it. I don’t have calories to spend on eating crap I don’t want to eat several times a week because my friends want it.2 -
OP, when I was diagnosed with diabetes I had this talk with my husband. I told him that it was life or death for me, that I couldn’t live my life fighting temptation every day in my own home, so he needed to be on my side. And that anyone who wanted me to die was not on my side.
He got it, because seeing me very ill in the hospital was scary to him. I’m thinking your wife isn’t scared enough - that it doesn’t seem real to her that you might actually die. At least I hope that’s the case and not that she doesn’t care. Can you have your doctor chat with her at your next appointment?
The rules in my house include that my husband never offers me food. He doesn’t eat in front of me when I’m not eating. He doesn’t buy certain things and the snacks he does buy are in his snack cabinet, not out in the open. It doesn’t bother me anymore but when I first gave up coke the sight of it triggered strong cravings so he put his can in a coozie.
Some people may think it’s unreasonable to expect your spouse to support you. To me that is what a spouse is for. I would not have hesitated to divorce someone who would make it harder for me to keep living. My doctor is amazed at my 125 lb weight loss and normal a1c and blood pressure, and constantly says how none of her other patients have been successful in lifestyle changes. One of my best friends DIED last year from complications of diabetes. This is life and death and what’s really unreasonable is pretending it isn’t. Make your wife understand that you don’t appreciate her trying to kill you.11 -
rheddmobile wrote: »OP, when I was diagnosed with diabetes I had this talk with my husband. I told him that it was life or death for me, that I couldn’t live my life fighting temptation every day in my own home, so he needed to be on my side. And that anyone who wanted me to die was not on my side.
He got it, because seeing me very ill in the hospital was scary to him. I’m thinking your wife isn’t scared enough - that it doesn’t seem real to her that you might actually die. At least I hope that’s the case and not that she doesn’t care. Can you have your doctor chat with her at your next appointment?
The rules in my house include that my husband never offers me food. He doesn’t eat in front of me when I’m not eating. He doesn’t buy certain things and the snacks he does buy are in his snack cabinet, not out in the open. It doesn’t bother me anymore but when I first gave up coke the sight of it triggered strong cravings so he put his can in a coozie.
Some people may think it’s unreasonable to expect your spouse to support you. To me that is what a spouse is for. I would not have hesitated to divorce someone who would make it harder for me to keep living. My doctor is amazed at my 125 lb weight loss and normal a1c and blood pressure, and constantly says how none of her other patients have been successful in lifestyle changes. One of my best friends DIED last year from complications of diabetes. This is life and death and what’s really unreasonable is pretending it isn’t. Make your wife understand that you don’t appreciate her trying to kill you.
Your previous comment (before this one) seemed a bit excessive but now I understand. My boyfriend was in rehab and when we go for a meal, he'll tell me I can drink alcohol if I want (I very rarely drink anyway and when I do it takes me a good 2 hours to drink a 250ml bottle) but I always say no because I would feel guilty. I don't even drink at Christmas or New Year because I spend those times with him.
To a extent, I can understand your point of view except that I have very few people in my life and couldn't bring myself to be so... forceful? Is that the right word? Anyway, the friends in my life have been extremely loyal and I've known them for years; one of them for the last 9 years.
But in saying that, it is hard to go for a meal in general. You see other people around you and you're like "oh that looks so good" but to be honest, I would have to delete Facebook, never go out anywhere and never watch TV in order to never have a food trigger. That's just the hand some of us have been dealt though. It's the most common addiction and it's also everywhere. You can't escape food so you just have to learn to live with it.
It's like my mental health, I can't do anything about a specific bit of my mental health therefore I just have to learn to live with it and accept the fact that I have it and there's nothing that can be done.
I mean no disrespect and I'm sorry for what you've been through but I do agree with your partner being supportive and loving.
I do not mean any offence or upset by anything stated above and if I have done so, I do apologise to anyone reading this.2 -
Without actually being there and hearing the conversations first hand, I may be way off, but I think your wife is being unreasonable, and I really think you should demand for her to come with you to couple's counseling, or leave. You are 400 lbs, this is a life or death situation. And she doesn't seem to care. She's your wife. That's a huge problem. What good is a wife if not to support you, especially when you are trying to save your own life? I don't think I'm being dramatic. Yes, self control, will power, you are in control, blah blah blah, but when you've gotten to the point where you weigh 400 lbs, I imagine you don't have a lot of willpower when it comes to food. It's not as easy as just waking up one day and saying "ok I'm done eating these types of things" habits are hard to break and hard to form.1
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your wife is a bad wife bc she is purposefully sabotaging your diet. you need to tell her if she brings in junk food , hide it somewhere with a lock where only she can get it. she should be working with you.0
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I'm torn on this.
On one hand I think it's unreasonable to expect someone to 'sacrifice' or 'suffer' for another persons weakness. No one should have to do without because of someone else's problem. There needs to be personal responsibility for actions. Yes the wife is bringing the food into the house but she's not the one eating it. I wonder if perhaps this is just the most immediate and convenient excuse. 'Oh it's not my fault, my wife keeps bringing the food in. That's why I can't lose weight' thereby absolving of any responsibility for actions taken. I then wonder what would happen if the wife did agree to stop bringing the food in. Would this actually solve the problem or would this just precipitate a move to the next most convenient excuse to continue to not take responsibility?
On the other hand, even though I feel that it's unreasonable to expect someone to have to pay or sacrifice for another's burden, I do have to question someone who wouldn't WANT to compromise and sacrifice to help someone they care about. So while I don't think the wife is obligated to forgo her access to sweets she enjoys because someone else can't control themselves, it baffles me that she would be so uncaring and lack the compassion for someone in her life that she wouldn't be willing to try and give a little to help.4 -
I honestly suspect there's a fair amount that we don't know. We're only hearing one side of the story out of the 4 that exist (counting the in-laws). Regardless, I agree with the idea of setting up at least a handful of couples counseling sessions - likely with a therapist that is not your individual therapist, though you should ask them for suggestions.
For what it's worth, I do know people who have recovered from their alcoholism despite living in houses with alcohol. At least one of the people I'm thinking of was in a roommate situation and also had quite a lot of therapy.0 -
I'm torn on this.
On one hand I think it's unreasonable to expect someone to 'sacrifice' or 'suffer' for another persons weakness. No one should have to do without because of someone else's problem. There needs to be personal responsibility for actions. Yes the wife is bringing the food into the house but she's not the one eating it. I wonder if perhaps this is just the most immediate and convenient excuse. 'Oh it's not my fault, my wife keeps bringing the food in. That's why I can't lose weight' thereby absolving of any responsibility for actions taken. I then wonder what would happen if the wife did agree to stop bringing the food in. Would this actually solve the problem or would this just precipitate a move to the next most convenient excuse to continue to not take responsibility?
On the other hand, even though I feel that it's unreasonable to expect someone to have to pay or sacrifice for another's burden, I do have to question someone who wouldn't WANT to compromise and sacrifice to help someone they care about. So while I don't think the wife is obligated to forgo her access to sweets she enjoys because someone else can't control themselves, it baffles me that she would be so uncaring and lack the compassion for someone in her life that she wouldn't be willing to try and give a little to help.
To be honest if I read the OP's first post correctly the wife, and both in-laws are morbidly obese (believe he said they all had a BMI over 40). None of them are "doing without".
The others need to clean up their act also, otherwise the OP will be having to take care of them.1
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