Let's talk about ghosting.
I'm really intrested in getting some insight into this whole thing.
Why do people do it?
Is it so hard to just tell someone you can't stand their face anymore? Or that they have had breath, or their voice is annoying, or absolutely any explanation as to why you just cut off communication without any explanation?
Ghosters, give me some answers please.
Why do people do it?
Is it so hard to just tell someone you can't stand their face anymore? Or that they have had breath, or their voice is annoying, or absolutely any explanation as to why you just cut off communication without any explanation?
Ghosters, give me some answers please.
3
Replies
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It’s easier to hit the block button then to write out an explanation why you’re no longer into them 🤷🏻♂️🤷🏻♂️🤷🏻♂️3
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Confrontation isn't easy, especially when not everybody wants to accept the answers that we can vocalize.
Any time I pull any sort of disappearing act, it's 100% been because I don't have energy to interact with anybody. Forgive me for a moment--I've been thinkin about social/emotional masks all morning--but I tend to adapt how I interact with people TO the person I'm interacting with, and sometimes those acts become exhausting. So for me, it's usually just that I've gotten tired and need a rest.6 -
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Reckoner68 wrote: »Confrontation isn't easy, especially when not everybody wants to accept the answers that we can vocalize.
Any time I pull any sort of disappearing act, it's 100% been because I don't have energy to interact with anybody. Forgive me for a moment--I've been thinkin about social/emotional masks all morning--but I tend to adapt how I interact with people TO the person I'm interacting with, and sometimes those acts become exhausting. So for me, it's usually just that I've gotten tired and need a rest.
So is it a permanent feeling? Or you just need a break? Your explanation is super useful and I understand the reasoning I think.0 -
Confrontations aren’t easy ...2 -
Reckoner68 wrote: »Confrontation isn't easy, especially when not everybody wants to accept the answers that we can vocalize.
Any time I pull any sort of disappearing act, it's 100% been because I don't have energy to interact with anybody. Forgive me for a moment--I've been thinkin about social/emotional masks all morning--but I tend to adapt how I interact with people TO the person I'm interacting with, and sometimes those acts become exhausting. So for me, it's usually just that I've gotten tired and need a rest.
So is it a permanent feeling? Or you just need a break? Your explanation is super useful and I understand the reasoning I think.
It's almost always a temporary thing for me--I can't really think of any situations in my past where it's been permanent. To be fair though, if I wanted to break off some sort of long-term relationship I'd want to talk it out. That's just my nature though. I don't like leaving things unspoken, cause I have the type of brain that runs away with "What if...?" situations and those can be killer. I don't want anybody to feel like that cause of me.7 -
lot of reasons i guess.
sometimes- you just got a lot going on and can't juggle other people's emotions with your own (not every person will be willing to just *accept* that you need the time to yourself instead of them)
sometimes- they're toxic without realizing it, and so set in their ways they won't change.
sometimes- *you're* the toxic one and you've finally realized it and you want to take the time to fix it.
sometimes- they're legitimately crazy and you didn't realize it until it was too late to walk away gracefully.
sometimes they just deserve it. like if they were abusive (emotional or physical)- i figure its a good thing to let them twist on it forever as to why you vanished from their life.11 -
Why try to dissect the situation. The person isn’t communicating with you, that’s it. They just aren’t that into you anymore.
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It’s rough to be ghosted - we will never know what the ghoster is thinking - so kinda just gotta call whatever it was a mulligan and move on. However I know it’s hard to do - hell I overthink and analyze everything - what if I’d done this or that different .. blah blah blah - damn human relationships . Too damn complex amirite?8
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a mulligan? i need to look this up
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lot of reasons i guess.
sometimes- you just got a lot going on and can't juggle other people's emotions with your own (not every person will be willing to just *accept* that you need the time to yourself instead of them)
sometimes- they're toxic without realizing it, and so set in their ways they won't change.
sometimes- *you're* the toxic one and you've finally realized it and you want to take the time to fix it.
sometimes- they're legitimately crazy and you didn't realize it until it was too late to walk away gracefully.
sometimes they just deserve it. like if they were abusive (emotional or physical)- i figure its a good thing to let them twist on it forever as to why you vanished from their life.
I’ve ghosted someone because he thought he had some sort of entitlement over me, if he didn’t receive a text from me right away he would trip out. It was too much and overbearing.
The other time I was just a coward, I couldn’t face hurting him. It was just easier to not deal with it.2 -
i admit i'm not a stellar communicator, especially in conflict, but usually i try to be direct with people i know can change. most of the time i ghost if someone has done something especially heinous, like i've had to ghost abusive partners because otherwise they would know exactly what to do and say to manipulate me into staying in something toxic. there are logical reasons to ghost for your own safety if you find a friend/partner has some predatory behavior in them.
sometimes there's just a clear feeling that i don't want to stay in touch with someone though. say i had a mediocre fling with someone -- does that mean i have to follow them on social media forever just to protect their feelings, even if they never talk to me nor i to them? reckoner's comment also resonates with me. as someone with bpd/on the spectrum i can't really help but wear different faces depending on who i'm with. my family and fiance are basically the only exception to this rule. it does get exhausting quickly and i need a lot of time between interactions to recharge or my mental health really suffers. i don't know how others perceive it, but i hope it doesn't come across as ghosting them. people who've known me long enough, friends from high school in particular, seem to get that even if i only talk to them a couple times a week/month/year that i still love them, and we usually pick right back up where we left off.2 -
I was ghosted once and it was completely perplexing for me, having never experienced anything like it before. It made me, at first, obsess that something was wrong with me.
However, because the person was someone that I really cared about, I let him know that I was here for him if something was going on, and that if he did not want to be in my life then I would take his silence to mean that. After a time passed, he called me and told me that he was struggling with addiction. He felt afraid, trapped, ashamed. I offered him a lot of resources and told him I was there for him, but could not be present as a lover.
He went to rehab and four years later, he is doing better. We are distant friends, but he still has a lot to work on. I am married to someone else now.
Just a note: ghosting isn't always about you, even though it certainly does feel that way. People who ghost are usually ghosts to themselves before they ever ghost you.
Haunted people generally ghost.10 -
In my experience with dating, it makes the person that ghosted feel like it leaves an opening for them to submarine about 6 months later. There wasn't an official end, so of course they can just pop up later with an excuse and try to smooth the waters. With other relationships, I think previous response probably cover the situations.
Psychology Today has had a few decent articles on ghosting.3 -
mi_nina_lola wrote: »a mulligan? i need to look this up
Golf term for a second shot to get a better placement because the the first shot was horrible.0 -
lot of reasons i guess.
sometimes- you just got a lot going on and can't juggle other people's emotions with your own (not every person will be willing to just *accept* that you need the time to yourself instead of them)
sometimes- they're toxic without realizing it, and so set in their ways they won't change.
sometimes- *you're* the toxic one and you've finally realized it and you want to take the time to fix it.
sometimes- they're legitimately crazy and you didn't realize it until it was too late to walk away gracefully.
sometimes they just deserve it. like if they were abusive (emotional or physical)- i figure its a good thing to let them twist on it forever as to why you vanished from their life.
Your first explanation makes a ton of sense in this current situation. 😕4 -
At the time when I ghosted someone was because it was just easier that way. I was dealing with a lot and having the option to just disappear was easier. The person wasn't in my life and the friendship was barely off the ground so the importance meter wasn't high enough either.
I've never ghosted when I was dating though that I can remember. I have been ghosted and it was pretty annoying. We had seen each other a few times and texted pretty regularly. One day mid text conversation they just never answered and didn't take my calls. There was no fight or reason given. I guess I just wasn't important or they were overwhelmed with other things. I try not to do it often because it is a weasel thing to do but we can't all be perfect all the time.2 -
Wife found out1
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I'm really intrested in getting some insight into this whole thing.
Why do people do it?
Is it so hard to just tell someone you can't stand their face anymore? Or that they have had breath, or their voice is annoying, or absolutely any explanation as to why you just cut off communication without any explanation?
Ghosters, give me some answers please.
.0 -
ladyzherra wrote: »I was ghosted once and it was completely perplexing for me, having never experienced anything like it before. It made me, at first, obsess that something was wrong with me.
However, because the person was someone that I really cared about, I let him know that I was here for him if something was going on, and that if he did not want to be in my life then I would take his silence to mean that. After a time passed, he called me and told me that he was struggling with addiction. He felt afraid, trapped, ashamed. I offered him a lot of resources and told him I was there for him, but could not be present as a lover.
He went to rehab and four years later, he is doing better. We are distant friends, but he still has a lot to work on. I am married to someone else now.
Just a note: ghosting isn't always about you, even though it certainly does feel that way. People who ghost are usually ghosts to themselves before they ever ghost you.
Haunted people generally ghost.
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lot of reasons i guess.
sometimes- you just got a lot going on and can't juggle other people's emotions with your own (not every person will be willing to just *accept* that you need the time to yourself instead of them)
sometimes- they're toxic without realizing it, and so set in their ways they won't change.
sometimes- *you're* the toxic one and you've finally realized it and you want to take the time to fix it.
sometimes- they're legitimately crazy and you didn't realize it until it was too late to walk away gracefully.
sometimes they just deserve it. like if they were abusive (emotional or physical)- i figure its a good thing to let them twist on it forever as to why you vanished from their life.
I’ve ghosted someone because he thought he had some sort of entitlement over me, if he didn’t receive a text from me right away he would trip out. It was too much and overbearing.
The other time I was just a coward, I couldn’t face hurting him. It was just easier to not deal with it.
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I don't feel like anyone is entitled to my time and energy in the first place. So, if I no longer want them in my life, I don't owe them an explanation, nor am I required to justify not having them in my life.
This is usually an issue with people who don't respect boundaries or human rights and generally follows a confrontation where I clearly communicate that they have done something I deem not acceptable and they refuse to acknowledge or accept any responsibility for their behavior. Those kinds of people are not invited to be a part of my universe and they aren't worth the trouble of trying to explain why they aren't invited because they will deliberately never understand anyway. Some people simply don't want to take NO for an answer, regardless of the question.
If I don't feel like I can trust you, or I don't feel safe around you, then I'm not going to interact with you. The End.
I have been ghosted by people for what I'm sure are a variety of reasons. Generally, they just stay gone, but sometimes they like to reappear after 6 months or so and expect an instant return to the previous level of closeness...it totally weirds me out...like I'm a doll they put in storage and now they found me in the attic and want to play again...I usually just stay away from them...the rare occasions where I have genuinely attempted to reconnect have all ended in being ghosted again, so it's just a waste of time.
People are such wonderfully complicated and deranged creatures.7 -
To turn the question around if you truly decide that you don't care about someone anymore then why would you take the time to try to explain that to them in a difficult and awkward conversation?3
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tinkerhellraiser wrote: »Aaron_K123 wrote: »To turn the question around if you truly decide that you don't care about someone anymore then why would you take the time to try to explain that to them in a difficult and awkward conversation?
well if u mean a relationship ending then because youre not a sociopath and not loving someone anymore dont mean u dont respect they got feelings like a human
But there are sociopaths. The question is why anyone would ever ghost someone. I mean I'm pretty sure the answer is because they have decided they no longer care enough about the person to stay with them and don't want to deal with the conflict of that so they just leave. Is that not the answer?
Don't get me wrong I get why it would be upsetting but in a relationship you don't own the other person and therefore they don't owe you anything. If they leave without explanation you can't really demand that they put themselves in awkward situation they are uncomfortable with just to satisfy your need for closure.4 -
jacktherower wrote: »Wife found out
This is a IRL dating situation. No wife.2 -
Cowards, narcissists and people with zero social skills in real life ghost. It’s ridiculous and immature.9
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Cowards, narcissists and people with zero social skills in real life ghost. It’s ridiculous and immature.
I don't know I don't think its fair to generalize like that. Really does depend on the situation. In reverse can also say that it is rather egocentric and narcassistic to demand that another person explain why they do not want to associate with you anymore as if they owe you that. I don't think that is fair either by the way so I'm not saying that, but seen the other way I think its clear why its a bit judgemental to do that.5 -
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seen an uncomfortable amount of people who unironically think those things. nuance is dead.2 -
tinkerhellraiser wrote: »Aaron_K123 wrote: »To turn the question around if you truly decide that you don't care about someone anymore then why would you take the time to try to explain that to them in a difficult and awkward conversation?
well if u mean a relationship ending then because youre not a sociopath and not loving someone anymore dont mean u dont respect they got feelings like a human
Yes exactly. It is very cruel to ghost someone you were previously in regular contact with or dating. I feel a simple explanation is better. I would much rather that than worry something happened to them, etc.
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