Let's talk about ghosting.
Replies
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OP,
In the last year and a half when I was dating, I got ghosted on several occasions. Every time it made me wonder what happened and gave me a sense of anxiety, just not having that explanation. I think ghosting someone is incredibly cowardly. I have never done that to someone. If I don’t wanna date anymore, I will just tell them nicely. I will respect a man much more for being honest with me also.
As to why they do it, I assume that they were never really single to begin with, met someone else, lied about their initial intentions and couldn’t carry out their act anymore, were intimidated, or just plain didn’t like me very much.
I had a couple ghosts try to come back in my life later with reasons of how they were “intimidated”, didn’t think they could give me what I needed, etc. A couple times I was genuinely worried about someone, tried to find out what happened and found that they had a whole other gf or wife they failed to tell me about. Don’t ever let a ghost back because they will ghost you a second time for certain. Never accept their excuses.9 -
Funny thing is @Just_Mel_ to me, you look like someone who is likely to have ghosted many a dudes. I have to say, I am a bit surprised to see your profile pic in lead of this topic.1
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Funny thing is @Just_Mel_ to me, you look like someone who has likely to have ghosted many a dudes.
🤔 how does a ghoster look?? Is there a template online or something?11 -
Reckoner68 wrote: »Confrontation isn't easy, especially when not everybody wants to accept the answers that we can vocalize.
Any time I pull any sort of disappearing act, it's 100% been because I don't have energy to interact with anybody. Forgive me for a moment--I've been thinkin about social/emotional masks all morning--but I tend to adapt how I interact with people TO the person I'm interacting with, and sometimes those acts become exhausting. So for me, it's usually just that I've gotten tired and need a rest.
That doesn't sound like ghosting to me. It sounds like you need a better mood in order to respond which will become a delayed response. Unless you never respond even when you're in better spirits and you're aware of it.1 -
Funny thing is @Just_Mel_ to me, you look like someone who has likely to have ghosted many a dudes.
🤔 how does a ghoster look?? Is there a template online or something?
Kinda transparent, makes a lot of "oooOOOOooo" kinda sounds, likes to hang out in old abandoned houses, etc.
I don't really see it with her, but <shrugs> everyone's got their own opinion, eh?12 -
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ladyzherra wrote: »I was ghosted once and it was completely perplexing for me, having never experienced anything like it before. It made me, at first, obsess that something was wrong with me.
Haunted people generally ghost.
.... woah
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Reckoner68 wrote: »Funny thing is @Just_Mel_ to me, you look like someone who has likely to have ghosted many a dudes.
🤔 how does a ghoster look?? Is there a template online or something?
Kinda transparent, makes a lot of "oooOOOOooo" kinda sounds, likes to hang out in old abandoned houses, etc.
I don't really see it with her, but <shrugs> everyone's got their own opinion, eh?
This made me giggle. 😂4 -
Funny thing is @Just_Mel_ to me, you look like someone who has likely to have ghosted many a dudes.
🤔 how does a ghoster look?? Is there a template online or something?
I'd like to know exactly what's meant by ghosting before I answer you. I'm suspecting a different definition by the postings. I think it's when anyone(with reasonable capacity) knowingly doesn't reply to someone, period.1 -
Funny thing is @Just_Mel_ to me, you look like someone who is likely to have ghosted many a dudes. I have to say, I am a bit surprised to see your profile pic in lead of this topic.
Nope. It's cruel to not give some kind of reason or explanation. Plus I need closure. Even if I'm the one ending things. But thanks for the compliment? 🤷♀️
I will say that I don't generalize all ghosters as pieces of *kitten*. I honestly think in my situation it's a matter of needing space to deal with other things. He is family of one of my best friends and I have known him for some time before we got involved so I know he is a good man and not attached to a wife or gf or something like that. Maybe there will be contact later but for now I'm just going to back off. I don't need to beg for anything. Just got my feelers hurt.11 -
Funny thing is @Just_Mel_ to me, you look like someone who is likely to have ghosted many a dudes. I have to say, I am a bit surprised to see your profile pic in lead of this topic.
Nope. It's cruel to not give some kind of reason or explanation. Plus I need closure. Even if I'm the one ending things. But thanks for the compliment? 🤷♀️
I will say that I don't generalize all ghosters as pieces of *kitten*. I honestly think in my situation it's a matter of needing space to deal with other things. He is family of one of my best friends and I have known him for some time before we got involved so I know he is a good man and not attached to a wife or gf or something like that. Maybe there will be contact later but for now I'm just going to back off. I don't need to beg for anything. Just got my feelers hurt.
i always say it, but the person who cares the least wins.
so if you just keep on not caring or begging and just letting whatever it is play out, odds are you'll win in the end.6 -
Funny thing is @Just_Mel_ to me, you look like someone who has likely to have ghosted many a dudes.
🤔 how does a ghoster look?? Is there a template online or something?
I'd like to know exactly what's meant by ghosting before I answer you. I'm suspecting a different definition by the postings. I think it's when anyone(with reasonable capacity) knowingly doesn't reply to someone, period.
Does the look change by definition??4 -
Funny thing is @Just_Mel_ to me, you look like someone who is likely to have ghosted many a dudes. I have to say, I am a bit surprised to see your profile pic in lead of this topic.
Nope. It's cruel to not give some kind of reason or explanation. Plus I need closure. Even if I'm the one ending things. But thanks for the compliment? 🤷♀️
I will say that I don't generalize all ghosters as pieces of *kitten*. I honestly think in my situation it's a matter of needing space to deal with other things. He is family of one of my best friends and I have known him for some time before we got involved so I know he is a good man and not attached to a wife or gf or something like that. Maybe there will be contact later but for now I'm just going to back off. I don't need to beg for anything. Just got my feelers hurt.
Damn feelings - fuggin suck yo2 -
Funny thing is @Just_Mel_ to me, you look like someone who is likely to have ghosted many a dudes. I have to say, I am a bit surprised to see your profile pic in lead of this topic.
Nope. It's cruel to not give some kind of reason or explanation. Plus I need closure. Even if I'm the one ending things. But thanks for the compliment? 🤷♀️
I will say that I don't generalize all ghosters as pieces of *kitten*. I honestly think in my situation it's a matter of needing space to deal with other things. He is family of one of my best friends and I have known him for some time before we got involved so I know he is a good man and not attached to a wife or gf or something like that. Maybe there will be contact later but for now I'm just going to back off. I don't need to beg for anything. Just got my feelers hurt.
If you’re ending things why would you need closure?
If you ended things, I don’t think that person owes you anything. If you ended things, and they ghost, their probably just trying to heal from the situation and move on. It’s harder to move on when you’re still in contact with that person.
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Funny thing is @Just_Mel_ to me, you look like someone who has likely to have ghosted many a dudes.
🤔 how does a ghoster look?? Is there a template online or something?
I'd like to know exactly what's meant by ghosting before I answer you. I'm suspecting a different definition by the postings. I think it's when anyone(with reasonable capacity) knowingly doesn't reply to someone, period.
Does the look change by definition??
You got me bro. I'll put some of my toxin in a jar for you as a trophy. I would not like to speak to you anymore, sir. Enjoy the day.2 -
I've only ghosted one person...but she was a psycho and I was considering getting a restraining order. I ended up unexpectedly moving into a house with some of my friends in a completely last minute kind of deal and I just didn't tell her. I figured that was easier than a restraining order. This was before everyone had cell phones, so I didn't need to worry about that.2
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tinkerhellraiser wrote: »Aaron_K123 wrote: »To turn the question around if you truly decide that you don't care about someone anymore then why would you take the time to try to explain that to them in a difficult and awkward conversation?
well if u mean a relationship ending then because youre not a sociopath and not loving someone anymore dont mean u dont respect they got feelings like a human
Yes exactly. It is very cruel to ghost someone you were previously in regular contact with or dating. I feel a simple explanation is better. I would much rather that than worry something happened to them, etc.
Cruelty is relative. It is cruel to subject someone to something that pains them. Some people are pained by not having closure, some people are pained by having to deal with conflict and attempt closure. You feel that not getting closure is cruel because you are personally somoene who wants closure...but that doesn't make it some objective truth that applies to all people in all cases.
If it is cruel to not provide someone closure if they want it then isn't it equally cruel to demand that someone provide closure when they are uncomfortable doing so?4 -
Funny thing is @Just_Mel_ to me, you look like someone who is likely to have ghosted many a dudes. I have to say, I am a bit surprised to see your profile pic in lead of this topic.
Nope. It's cruel to not give some kind of reason or explanation. Plus I need closure. Even if I'm the one ending things. But thanks for the compliment? 🤷♀️
I will say that I don't generalize all ghosters as pieces of *kitten*. I honestly think in my situation it's a matter of needing space to deal with other things. He is family of one of my best friends and I have known him for some time before we got involved so I know he is a good man and not attached to a wife or gf or something like that. Maybe there will be contact later but for now I'm just going to back off. I don't need to beg for anything. Just got my feelers hurt.
If you’re ending things why would you need closure?
If you ended things, I don’t think that person owes you anything. If you ended things, and they ghost, their probably just trying to heal from the situation and move on. It’s harder to move on when you’re still in contact with that person.
I didn't end this situation. My comment was in response to someone who said I look like one who does the ghosting. At which I said I don't ghost.4 -
Ghosting someone you are dating is immature is 99% of situations. A simple text, email, some sort of communication saying it isn't working is enough. Doesn't have to provide an answer or two way conversation, but please make it known that it's over. If someone is really afraid for their safety then I can understand not providing that communication, but won't the other person dwell on it and try and find you at your house, place of work, where you hangout? Now that would be awful.
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Ghosting someone you are dating is immature is 99% of situations. A simple text, email, some sort of communication saying it isn't working is enough. Doesn't have to provide an answer or two way conversation, but please make it known that it's over. If someone is really afraid for their safety then I can understand not providing that communication, but won't the other person dwell on it and try and find you at your house, place of work, where you hangout? Now that would be awful.
I guess I see it as two people. One person no longer wants to be in a relationship with the other and decides to leave and doesn't want the awkwardness or conflict that would arise from trying to seek closure. The other person still wants to be with them or at least is not expecting the breakup and is left wanting to know why and to have closure.
Both are in an awkward situation, both want something. I guess what I don't get is why one persons wants default-trump the others. IE this idea that one person owes the other person but not the other way around.2 -
Aaron_K123 wrote: »Ghosting someone you are dating is immature is 99% of situations. A simple text, email, some sort of communication saying it isn't working is enough. Doesn't have to provide an answer or two way conversation, but please make it known that it's over. If someone is really afraid for their safety then I can understand not providing that communication, but won't the other person dwell on it and try and find you at your house, place of work, where you hangout? Now that would be awful.
I guess I see it as two people. One person no longer wants to be in a relationship with the other and decides to leave and doesn't want the awkwardness or conflict that would arise from trying to seek closure. The other person still wants to be with them or at least is not expecting the breakup and is left wanting to know why and to have closure.
Both are in an awkward situation, both want something. I guess what I don't get is why one persons wants default-trump the others. IE this idea that one person owes the other person but not the other way around.
Texting "hey I don't think it's a good idea to see each other anymore, good luck to you. Bye" is took awkward? I feel if you are adult enough to date then you should be able to that. Same goes for the work place. If you want to quit a job at least leave a note or voicemail. (I work in HR and really dislike no-show employees)7 -
I will ghost anyone that I've deemed to be emotionally manipulative... their need for closure does not mean I need to be taken on a guilt trip.3
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Aaron_K123 wrote: »tinkerhellraiser wrote: »Aaron_K123 wrote: »To turn the question around if you truly decide that you don't care about someone anymore then why would you take the time to try to explain that to them in a difficult and awkward conversation?
well if u mean a relationship ending then because youre not a sociopath and not loving someone anymore dont mean u dont respect they got feelings like a human
Yes exactly. It is very cruel to ghost someone you were previously in regular contact with or dating. I feel a simple explanation is better. I would much rather that than worry something happened to them, etc.
Cruelty is relative. It is cruel to subject someone to something that pains them. Some people are pained by not having closure, some people are pained by having to deal with conflict and attempt closure. You feel that not getting closure is cruel because you are personally somoene who wants closure...but that doesn't make it some objective truth that applies to all people in all cases.
If it is cruel to not provide someone closure if they want it then isn't it equally cruel to demand that someone provide closure when they are uncomfortable doing so?
No it is not the same. If people can’t be mature adults and communicate then they shouldnt be dating. Ghosting is poor manners.
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Aaron_K123 wrote: »Ghosting someone you are dating is immature is 99% of situations. A simple text, email, some sort of communication saying it isn't working is enough. Doesn't have to provide an answer or two way conversation, but please make it known that it's over. If someone is really afraid for their safety then I can understand not providing that communication, but won't the other person dwell on it and try and find you at your house, place of work, where you hangout? Now that would be awful.
I guess I see it as two people. One person no longer wants to be in a relationship with the other and decides to leave and doesn't want the awkwardness or conflict that would arise from trying to seek closure. The other person still wants to be with them or at least is not expecting the breakup and is left wanting to know why and to have closure.
Both are in an awkward situation, both want something. I guess what I don't get is why one persons wants default-trump the others. IE this idea that one person owes the other person but not the other way around.
Texting "hey I don't think it's a good idea to see each other anymore, good luck to you. Bye" is took awkward? I feel if you are adult enough to date then you should be able to that. Same goes for the work place. If you want to quit a job at least leave a note or voicemail. (I work in HR and really dislike no-show employees)
agreed.
ghosting is selfish and rude.6 -
Aaron_K123 wrote: »Ghosting someone you are dating is immature is 99% of situations. A simple text, email, some sort of communication saying it isn't working is enough. Doesn't have to provide an answer or two way conversation, but please make it known that it's over. If someone is really afraid for their safety then I can understand not providing that communication, but won't the other person dwell on it and try and find you at your house, place of work, where you hangout? Now that would be awful.
I guess I see it as two people. One person no longer wants to be in a relationship with the other and decides to leave and doesn't want the awkwardness or conflict that would arise from trying to seek closure. The other person still wants to be with them or at least is not expecting the breakup and is left wanting to know why and to have closure.
Both are in an awkward situation, both want something. I guess what I don't get is why one persons wants default-trump the others. IE this idea that one person owes the other person but not the other way around.
Texting "hey I don't think it's a good idea to see each other anymore, good luck to you. Bye" is took awkward? I feel if you are adult enough to date then you should be able to that. Same goes for the work place. If you want to quit a job at least leave a note or voicemail. (I work in HR and really dislike no-show employees)
Agree 100%
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Funny thing is @Just_Mel_ to me, you look like someone who has likely to have ghosted many a dudes.
🤔 how does a ghoster look?? Is there a template online or something?
I'd like to know exactly what's meant by ghosting before I answer you. I'm suspecting a different definition by the postings. I think it's when anyone(with reasonable capacity) knowingly doesn't reply to someone, period.
Does the look change by definition??
You got me bro. I'll put some of my toxin in a jar for you as a trophy. I would not like to speak to you anymore, sir. Enjoy the day.
Fair enough- good day sir7 -
As someone who has dated longer than texting has been a thing that existed, I find it appalling that a break up text is somehow socially appropriate. To me, that's even worse than nothing.5
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Funny thing is @Just_Mel_ to me, you look like someone who is likely to have ghosted many a dudes. I have to say, I am a bit surprised to see your profile pic in lead of this topic.
Nope. It's cruel to not give some kind of reason or explanation. Plus I need closure. Even if I'm the one ending things. But thanks for the compliment? 🤷♀️
I will say that I don't generalize all ghosters as pieces of *kitten*. I honestly think in my situation it's a matter of needing space to deal with other things. He is family of one of my best friends and I have known him for some time before we got involved so I know he is a good man and not attached to a wife or gf or something like that. Maybe there will be contact later but for now I'm just going to back off. I don't need to beg for anything. Just got my feelers hurt.
Ding ding: this is the real reason ghosting is obnoxious. Humans by default require and crave closure to people, places and events in their lives so they can organize, structure and move on. By not offering that closure, you are denying a person the ability and respect to do that, thus making it very obvious you don't respect them (and more than likely never really did). Very rarely do I find that a "ghoster" did it for reasons of "non-confrontation" or because they didn't want to "hurt" me. Uh... never talking to me and not helping me make sense of what I might possibly have done to warrant such behavior is way more hurtful than some mean words you could sling my way.
Honestly? Don't ghost folks. Just tell them you aren't interested (or whatever the real reason is) so they can move on and maybe improve themselves (if the problem was them). How is a person to grow if they never get any feedback about what might have gone wrong or how they might have contributed to the relationship/lack thereof??
Sorry someone did that to you. It sucks.
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Aaron_K123 wrote: »Ghosting someone you are dating is immature is 99% of situations. A simple text, email, some sort of communication saying it isn't working is enough. Doesn't have to provide an answer or two way conversation, but please make it known that it's over. If someone is really afraid for their safety then I can understand not providing that communication, but won't the other person dwell on it and try and find you at your house, place of work, where you hangout? Now that would be awful.
I guess I see it as two people. One person no longer wants to be in a relationship with the other and decides to leave and doesn't want the awkwardness or conflict that would arise from trying to seek closure. The other person still wants to be with them or at least is not expecting the breakup and is left wanting to know why and to have closure.
Both are in an awkward situation, both want something. I guess what I don't get is why one persons wants default-trump the others. IE this idea that one person owes the other person but not the other way around.
... no. If you can't be mature enough to overcome your "awkwardness" and at least have the decency to say "I am no longer interested in pursuing this relationship, blah blah blah" then you don't deserve to nor SHOULD you be dating people. It might be awkward, but for *kitten*'s sake, be an adult and just own it. Most people saying they want "closure" aren't looking into an in depth psychoanalytic breakdown of the relationship. They just want to know it's done, over and that they can move on without worrying about that other person or something they might have done that could have mitigated the relationship.
It's not that complicated.11 -
Exactly!
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