Spouse doesn't share fitness goals

walktalkdog

This is more of a vent than seeking resolution, because I know that rarely do both partners share the same goals at the same time. Being with my spouse 24/7 because of the stay-at-home orders makes it more apparent (he is retired and I'm working from home). And I am aware that we cannot change someone who doesn't want to change.
I just feel disappointed that while I'm working hard to remain committed to my exercise and eating goals, my spouse doesn't commit to either. Fortunately, he does not try to sabotage me nor criticize me for what I do. But it does make me sad to see him with a big belly, when he never had a belly until very recently. We've both gotten older, of course, and our bodies have changed accordingly. He doesn't seem to care and just eats what he wants.
Now, during many of the earlier years of our marriage when I was bearing and raising children, I weighed more than him. And he never ever said anything about it. So, yes, I am lucky that he accepts me no matter what I weigh. And I of course love him the same, but can't help feeling disappointed that he doesn't try to join me in working out and being careful about what he eats. I have not made one comment about it, and I won't. But I just want to share with someone my honest disappointment. I haven't even mentioned this to my closest friends. It also does sometimes make me question why I'm doing what I'm doing.

goatg

1. Probably important to acknowledge that you’re only recognizing this during quarantine
2. Would you want to try lovingly talking with him? Do you know if that’s something he would be interested in learning to change? There are so many ways to lovingly help/teach someone....

spiriteagle99

Could you go on walks together or bike rides? Maybe get a dog who needs multiple walks?

KrissFlavored

Since this is just a vent and not looking for solutions.

I would say it's fine to feel that way. Honestly. I am sure that a lot of people have been that way, it's a disappointment made from love of that person.

You want them to try so that as you get older you both have your health and can be together, it's not a disappointment of just being unhappy with him and his physical appearance.

Since you recognize that you cannot change him and you recognize and give back the same acceptance of him by not commenting on it to him like he doesnt to you, just keep going, when his time finally comes, think of how ready and fit you will be to be able to just be there for him, rather then maybe both of you struggling and not having answers or experience.

His time may come, continue to show love and he will come to you when he is ready

GetHeroFit

spiriteagle99 wrote: »

Could you go on walks together or bike rides? Maybe get a dog who needs multiple walks?

This ^^^

My husband also doesn't share my goals (not for wanting, but he doesn't have the motivation). He isn't actively joining me, but he goes on walks around the block with me to stretch out legs, and is trying to eat out at places that have options for me/eating worse when I'm not at home so it's not in my face.

brenn24179

I have been watching my weight since I was 16, husb did not get fat til he was 50, his legs hurt, etc for excuses. He doesnt do a physical job any more. He is not a bit interested either. My first husband was a drinker. I swear it would be harder to change an overeater than a drinker.

DancingMoosie

Yep, mine just does not want to exercise or diet. We also have 4 dogs. He does not care to go on walks. You gotta do you.

Shortgirlrunning

Just keep doing what you’re doing. Maybe one day he’ll feel inspired by you and join in.

StephieK74

I just want to say that I feel the exact same way. I get so frustrated too. For years I've wanted him to be my partner in this. I used to be athletic, and it just never was for him. I gave into a more sedentary lifestyle after marriage. Now tons of pounds later, I regret giving in. I have resented him at times, but in all honesty, I knew that when we got married. I have to suck it up in that aspect.
Anyways, I've had health problems off and on related to metabolic issues and now in my forties, facing more crucial things. My whole body feels it. I want to do well and keep healthy things around, and I do. However, when I make spaghetti and I choose the squash or zoodles over the pasta, I still have a teen and a preteen that don't want that and hubby either. Then as we sit down to eat, its very hard to sit and watch him or them pile on their plate. I'm in the same boat, I try to approach it lovingly, but its not easy.
Now, with that said, we took a Marriage Dynamics course in the fall, and one of the big things that they talked about was open and honesty as to not build resentment and depression on your part. He may not be into exercising or eating what you do, but just maybe be sure to express to him what your challenges are in that regard. Think on it, and the words will eventually come to you. It's all about approaching it with gentleness and respect... it doesn't have to be about his weight or the way he looks at this point.
My hubby just started battling blood pressure, and that has pushed him after all of these years to start monitoring his intake, and he's actually walking and riding bikes again. However, it's not consistent yet... but that's his battle, I just need to find a way to be responsible and self-disciplined without being bitter... LOL!
I'm always here to vent if you need it!!!!

age_is_just_a_number

I thought I was the only one and am so relieved to hear I’m not. I’ve been exercising for a few years. My husband is not interested. He used to discourage me. But at least he’s accepted that exercise helps me maintain both physical and mental health. My biggest challenge is for 24 years he’s been home raising our kids and running the house while I work full time. He does all the grocery shopping and cooking. He also has high blood pressure and various aches and pains. I ask him regularly if he wants to exercise with me — he always says no. I have mentioned to him that if he increased his muscle mass that he’d feel better. He’s still not interested. I’ve resolved that I cannot change him or give him the motivation. I can only change me and keep my own motivation up!!
Take care

NorthCascades

Have you tried shrinking his clothes in the wash?

Theoldguy1

For the OP do you want him to work out or work out with you? Most guys aren't going to be fans of dance classes, etc that many females enjoy.

CupcakeCrusoe

StephieK74 wrote: »

...
Now, with that said, we took a Marriage Dynamics course in the fall, and one of the big things that they talked about was open and honesty as to not build resentment and depression on your part...

This part is huge.

Venting is great. If, however, his lack of interest in fitness is at all making you resentful in some way, then you have to speak up about it (respectfully). And "I" statements do really work here. I'll give an example:

I have a baby who doesn't sleep well. For a stretch of a few months, I was doing all the midnight wakeups, trying to go to bed earlier to compensate, while my husband watched the baby for the first part of the night. Sounds like it would work, right?

Well, I normally wouldn't be able to get to sleep until much later, sometimes not until he came up with the baby anyway. So I was getting very little sleep, he was the one sleeping in on the weekends a lot of the time, and I was getting super resentful of all of this, meanwhile he thought he was doing his bit.

So I approached it like this: "Hey, I don't want to feel like this, resentful. What we're doing isn't really working for me. Could we find a way that I can get more sleep?" And then he was clued in that the plan wasn't working, and it didn't feel like an attack- it was a request for help.

All that said, in this case, as long as it's not affecting you negatively, I think you're right to leave it alone.

MelanieCN77

I know health and wellness is always treated as the innocent, good thing you wish for partners and friends and so on but if anybody should know how personal it is, it's those who found their way here to correct something with their life and habits. Occasionally there are posts here from members who have taken to a new healthy lifestyle with gusto, and like many new interests and hobbies they just can't understand why everyone doesn't want to get in on what they've discovered. This interest being health and wellness makes it extra righteous - how could anybody naysay that? Many feel it gives them license to know what another should be doing, and they feel confused when their enlightenment doesn't illuminate all around them.

People will get there in their own time, or not. Bellies are not sinful, or marks of immorality or lack of discipline, and nor is someone's disinterest in sharing your new food or exercise habits anything other than that they are on their own road.

walktalkdog

OP here a year and a half later! LOL! Thanks, everyone, for your replies. I have advanced to the place that I accept hubby for who he is and his choices and reminded myself that I need to find my own motivation to stick with my fitness goals, which I've done.

We get out and take walks or bike rides together. I tweak our meals a bit to add more vegetables to mine and less carby stuff.

I still am envious, though, of couples who are both committed to the same goals. Although they may very well have complaints as well! (competition, etc.)

kshama2001

walktalkdog wrote: »

OP here a year and a half later! LOL! Thanks, everyone, for your replies. I have advanced to the place that I accept hubby for who he is and his choices and reminded myself that I need to find my own motivation to stick with my fitness goals, which I've done.

We get out and take walks or bike rides together. I tweak our meals a bit to add more vegetables to mine and less carby stuff.

I still am envious, though, of couples who are both committed to the same goals. Although they may very well have complaints as well! (competition, etc.)

Thanks for the update!

Sounds like he's more active - has that affected his weight?

My OH started walking our cat about a year ago. Now, walking a cat is not like walking a dog, and one cannot count on many calories getting burned. However, he'd formally been completely sedentary during this time, and did drop about 5 pounds.

NorthCascades

NorthCascades wrote: »

Have you tried shrinking his clothes in the wash?

I never fail to deliver good advice!

ReenieHJ

NorthCascades wrote: »

NorthCascades wrote: »

Have you tried shrinking his clothes in the wash?

I never fail to deliver good advice!

Don't ask me why you got the old disagree button clicked for that one. Lol I laughed and thought it was a sneaky good idea.

OP, glad you came back to update. I'm kind of in the same boat as you are. I've tried to get dh to even just go for a walk with me. He comes up with every excuse in the book. And don't even approach him about changing the way he eats. He is who he is and nothing is going to change that. I just don't understand it sometimes.

He's always been a smoker and undergoes a CT scan once a year to make sure some benign nodules he has haven't developed into cancer. To me, that's some serious scary-*kitten* stuff but his attitude is 'well, it's gonna happen one of these years'. HUH?? He doesn't have a clue how that'll affect the rest of the people in his life, let alone HIM!!

I've talked with him enough to know nothing I say or do will ever change his mind or routine. He plods through life the way he is and is not interested in any change whatsoever.

The way it affects me is that his diet consists of foods I'd really rather not have in the house because when I go into one of my 'eat everything in sight' moods, that's what I eat is all his junk, white bread, cookies, hot dogs. I just wish we didn't have to keep that type of food here at all. I quit drinking Diet Coke many years ago because I was living on that stuff. He still drinks it and it's very difficult to always say no whenever it's 90 out and I'm craving something bubbly and fizzy and can just imagine popping the can and guzzling it down like I used to. But I have to say no because even just one would have me back to guzzling all day every day like before.

yweight2020

I don't know any spouses who are on the same fitness, health or nutrition path. There maybe some, but it's rare for most of us to have the same goals at the same time.

I would focus on my goals and encourage by example, nobody could force or encourage me to make changes. I didn't make changes until I was ready and it was because I was tired of being over weight and complaining about it, I needed bigger clothes constantly and last but not least I became ill and knew I needed to make life changes.

I know it's hard, but push forward and hopefully sooner than later he will make necessary life style changes. 🤗🙃❤

Redordeadhead

Theoldguy1 wrote: »

For the OP do you want him to work out or work out with you? Most guys aren't going to be fans of dance classes, etc that many females enjoy.

Women do plenty of other types of physical activity, we don't all like dance classes (and some men do).

SnifterPug

Redordeadhead wrote: »

Theoldguy1 wrote: »

For the OP do you want him to work out or work out with you? Most guys aren't going to be fans of dance classes, etc that many females enjoy.

Women do plenty of other types of physical activity, we don't all like dance classes (and some men do).

Quite so. I do boxing and lift heavy weights. Wouldn't do Zumba if you paid me.