Spouse doesn't share fitness goals
walktalkdog
Posts: 102 Member
This is more of a vent than seeking resolution, because I know that rarely do both partners share the same goals at the same time. Being with my spouse 24/7 because of the stay-at-home orders makes it more apparent (he is retired and I'm working from home). And I am aware that we cannot change someone who doesn't want to change.
I just feel disappointed that while I'm working hard to remain committed to my exercise and eating goals, my spouse doesn't commit to either. Fortunately, he does not try to sabotage me nor criticize me for what I do. But it does make me sad to see him with a big belly, when he never had a belly until very recently. We've both gotten older, of course, and our bodies have changed accordingly. He doesn't seem to care and just eats what he wants.
Now, during many of the earlier years of our marriage when I was bearing and raising children, I weighed more than him. And he never ever said anything about it. So, yes, I am lucky that he accepts me no matter what I weigh. And I of course love him the same, but can't help feeling disappointed that he doesn't try to join me in working out and being careful about what he eats. I have not made one comment about it, and I won't. But I just want to share with someone my honest disappointment. I haven't even mentioned this to my closest friends. It also does sometimes make me question why I'm doing what I'm doing.
I just feel disappointed that while I'm working hard to remain committed to my exercise and eating goals, my spouse doesn't commit to either. Fortunately, he does not try to sabotage me nor criticize me for what I do. But it does make me sad to see him with a big belly, when he never had a belly until very recently. We've both gotten older, of course, and our bodies have changed accordingly. He doesn't seem to care and just eats what he wants.
Now, during many of the earlier years of our marriage when I was bearing and raising children, I weighed more than him. And he never ever said anything about it. So, yes, I am lucky that he accepts me no matter what I weigh. And I of course love him the same, but can't help feeling disappointed that he doesn't try to join me in working out and being careful about what he eats. I have not made one comment about it, and I won't. But I just want to share with someone my honest disappointment. I haven't even mentioned this to my closest friends. It also does sometimes make me question why I'm doing what I'm doing.
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Replies
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1. Probably important to acknowledge that you’re only recognizing this during quarantine
2. Would you want to try lovingly talking with him? Do you know if that’s something he would be interested in learning to change? There are so many ways to lovingly help/teach someone....5 -
Could you go on walks together or bike rides? Maybe get a dog who needs multiple walks?7
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Since this is just a vent and not looking for solutions.
I would say it's fine to feel that way. Honestly. I am sure that a lot of people have been that way, it's a disappointment made from love of that person.
You want them to try so that as you get older you both have your health and can be together, it's not a disappointment of just being unhappy with him and his physical appearance.
Since you recognize that you cannot change him and you recognize and give back the same acceptance of him by not commenting on it to him like he doesnt to you, just keep going, when his time finally comes, think of how ready and fit you will be to be able to just be there for him, rather then maybe both of you struggling and not having answers or experience.
His time may come, continue to show love and he will come to you when he is ready21 -
spiriteagle99 wrote: »Could you go on walks together or bike rides? Maybe get a dog who needs multiple walks?
This ^^^
My husband also doesn't share my goals (not for wanting, but he doesn't have the motivation). He isn't actively joining me, but he goes on walks around the block with me to stretch out legs, and is trying to eat out at places that have options for me/eating worse when I'm not at home so it's not in my face.4 -
I have been watching my weight since I was 16, husb did not get fat til he was 50, his legs hurt, etc for excuses. He doesnt do a physical job any more. He is not a bit interested either. My first husband was a drinker. I swear it would be harder to change an overeater than a drinker.10
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Yep, mine just does not want to exercise or diet. We also have 4 dogs. He does not care to go on walks. You gotta do you.11
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Just keep doing what you’re doing. Maybe one day he’ll feel inspired by you and join in.7
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I just want to say that I feel the exact same way. I get so frustrated too. For years I've wanted him to be my partner in this. I used to be athletic, and it just never was for him. I gave into a more sedentary lifestyle after marriage. Now tons of pounds later, I regret giving in. I have resented him at times, but in all honesty, I knew that when we got married. I have to suck it up in that aspect.
Anyways, I've had health problems off and on related to metabolic issues and now in my forties, facing more crucial things. My whole body feels it. I want to do well and keep healthy things around, and I do. However, when I make spaghetti and I choose the squash or zoodles over the pasta, I still have a teen and a preteen that don't want that and hubby either. Then as we sit down to eat, its very hard to sit and watch him or them pile on their plate. I'm in the same boat, I try to approach it lovingly, but its not easy.
Now, with that said, we took a Marriage Dynamics course in the fall, and one of the big things that they talked about was open and honesty as to not build resentment and depression on your part. He may not be into exercising or eating what you do, but just maybe be sure to express to him what your challenges are in that regard. Think on it, and the words will eventually come to you. It's all about approaching it with gentleness and respect... it doesn't have to be about his weight or the way he looks at this point.
My hubby just started battling blood pressure, and that has pushed him after all of these years to start monitoring his intake, and he's actually walking and riding bikes again. However, it's not consistent yet... but that's his battle, I just need to find a way to be responsible and self-disciplined without being bitter... LOL!
I'm always here to vent if you need it!!!!7 -
I thought I was the only one and am so relieved to hear I’m not. I’ve been exercising for a few years. My husband is not interested. He used to discourage me. But at least he’s accepted that exercise helps me maintain both physical and mental health. My biggest challenge is for 24 years he’s been home raising our kids and running the house while I work full time. He does all the grocery shopping and cooking. He also has high blood pressure and various aches and pains. I ask him regularly if he wants to exercise with me — he always says no. I have mentioned to him that if he increased his muscle mass that he’d feel better. He’s still not interested. I’ve resolved that I cannot change him or give him the motivation. I can only change me and keep my own motivation up!!
Take care5 -
Have you tried shrinking his clothes in the wash?13
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For the OP do you want him to work out or work out with you? Most guys aren't going to be fans of dance classes, etc that many females enjoy.2
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StephieK74 wrote: »...
Now, with that said, we took a Marriage Dynamics course in the fall, and one of the big things that they talked about was open and honesty as to not build resentment and depression on your part...
This part is huge.
Venting is great. If, however, his lack of interest in fitness is at all making you resentful in some way, then you have to speak up about it (respectfully). And "I" statements do really work here. I'll give an example:
I have a baby who doesn't sleep well. For a stretch of a few months, I was doing all the midnight wakeups, trying to go to bed earlier to compensate, while my husband watched the baby for the first part of the night. Sounds like it would work, right?
Well, I normally wouldn't be able to get to sleep until much later, sometimes not until he came up with the baby anyway. So I was getting very little sleep, he was the one sleeping in on the weekends a lot of the time, and I was getting super resentful of all of this, meanwhile he thought he was doing his bit.
So I approached it like this: "Hey, I don't want to feel like this, resentful. What we're doing isn't really working for me. Could we find a way that I can get more sleep?" And then he was clued in that the plan wasn't working, and it didn't feel like an attack- it was a request for help.
All that said, in this case, as long as it's not affecting you negatively, I think you're right to leave it alone.11 -
I know health and wellness is always treated as the innocent, good thing you wish for partners and friends and so on but if anybody should know how personal it is, it's those who found their way here to correct something with their life and habits. Occasionally there are posts here from members who have taken to a new healthy lifestyle with gusto, and like many new interests and hobbies they just can't understand why everyone doesn't want to get in on what they've discovered. This interest being health and wellness makes it extra righteous - how could anybody naysay that? Many feel it gives them license to know what another should be doing, and they feel confused when their enlightenment doesn't illuminate all around them.
People will get there in their own time, or not. Bellies are not sinful, or marks of immorality or lack of discipline, and nor is someone's disinterest in sharing your new food or exercise habits anything other than that they are on their own road.18 -
OP here a year and a half later! LOL! Thanks, everyone, for your replies. I have advanced to the place that I accept hubby for who he is and his choices and reminded myself that I need to find my own motivation to stick with my fitness goals, which I've done.
We get out and take walks or bike rides together. I tweak our meals a bit to add more vegetables to mine and less carby stuff.
I still am envious, though, of couples who are both committed to the same goals. Although they may very well have complaints as well! (competition, etc.)18 -
walktalkdog wrote: »OP here a year and a half later! LOL! Thanks, everyone, for your replies. I have advanced to the place that I accept hubby for who he is and his choices and reminded myself that I need to find my own motivation to stick with my fitness goals, which I've done.
We get out and take walks or bike rides together. I tweak our meals a bit to add more vegetables to mine and less carby stuff.
I still am envious, though, of couples who are both committed to the same goals. Although they may very well have complaints as well! (competition, etc.)
Thanks for the update!
Sounds like he's more active - has that affected his weight?
My OH started walking our cat about a year ago. Now, walking a cat is not like walking a dog, and one cannot count on many calories getting burned. However, he'd formally been completely sedentary during this time, and did drop about 5 pounds.6 -
NorthCascades wrote: »Have you tried shrinking his clothes in the wash?
I never fail to deliver good advice!14 -
NorthCascades wrote: »NorthCascades wrote: »Have you tried shrinking his clothes in the wash?
I never fail to deliver good advice!
Don't ask me why you got the old disagree button clicked for that one. Lol I laughed and thought it was a sneaky good idea.
OP, glad you came back to update. I'm kind of in the same boat as you are. I've tried to get dh to even just go for a walk with me. He comes up with every excuse in the book.
And don't even approach him about changing the way he eats. He is who he is and nothing is going to change that. I just don't understand it sometimes.
He's always been a smoker and undergoes a CT scan once a year to make sure some benign nodules he has haven't developed into cancer. To me, that's some serious scary-*kitten* stuff but his attitude is 'well, it's gonna happen one of these years'. HUH?? He doesn't have a clue how that'll affect the rest of the people in his life, let alone HIM!!
I've talked with him enough to know nothing I say or do will ever change his mind or routine. He plods through life the way he is and is not interested in any change whatsoever.
The way it affects me is that his diet consists of foods I'd really rather not have in the house because when I go into one of my 'eat everything in sight' moods, that's what I eat is all his junk, white bread, cookies, hot dogs. I just wish we didn't have to keep that type of food here at all. I quit drinking Diet Coke many years ago because I was living on that stuff. He still drinks it and it's very difficult to always say no whenever it's 90 out and I'm craving something bubbly and fizzy and can just imagine popping the can and guzzling it down like I used to. But I have to say no because even just one would have me back to guzzling all day every day like before. 9 -
I don't know any spouses who are on the same fitness, health or nutrition path. There maybe some, but it's rare for most of us to have the same goals at the same time.
I would focus on my goals and encourage by example, nobody could force or encourage me to make changes. I didn't make changes until I was ready and it was because I was tired of being over weight and complaining about it, I needed bigger clothes constantly and last but not least I became ill and knew I needed to make life changes.
I know it's hard, but push forward and hopefully sooner than later he will make necessary life style changes. 🤗🙃❤3 -
Theoldguy1 wrote: »For the OP do you want him to work out or work out with you? Most guys aren't going to be fans of dance classes, etc that many females enjoy.
Women do plenty of other types of physical activity, we don't all like dance classes (and some men do).13 -
Redordeadhead wrote: »Theoldguy1 wrote: »For the OP do you want him to work out or work out with you? Most guys aren't going to be fans of dance classes, etc that many females enjoy.
Women do plenty of other types of physical activity, we don't all like dance classes (and some men do).
Quite so. I do boxing and lift heavy weights. Wouldn't do Zumba if you paid me.
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SnifterPug wrote: »Redordeadhead wrote: »Theoldguy1 wrote: »For the OP do you want him to work out or work out with you? Most guys aren't going to be fans of dance classes, etc that many females enjoy.
Women do plenty of other types of physical activity, we don't all like dance classes (and some men do).
Quite so. I do boxing and lift heavy weights. Wouldn't do Zumba if you paid me.
We wimmenfolk need to hush up and get back in the kitchen where we belong *eye roll*
Seriously though. Sure some women like dance classes but you'll also see plenty of the fairer sex (LOL) in a typical BJJ class. So unless you think you're man enough to put me in my place (heavy sarcasm there for anyone who can't quite pick up on it), let's not make asininely sexist comments in here, mmmmkay?
(SnifterPug, I hope you know that snark wasn't directed at you; I just quoted you (my bad))5 -
Redordeadhead wrote: »Theoldguy1 wrote: »For the OP do you want him to work out or work out with you? Most guys aren't going to be fans of dance classes, etc that many females enjoy.
Women do plenty of other types of physical activity, we don't all like dance classes (and some men do).
If you read my original post I suggested the OP's husband may not want to do the same workout that she does. I used dance classes as an example.
There are many women at my gym in the free weight area as well as other parts of the gym (probably close to 50/50).
There are few if any males in the dance classes. Just my observation based on my gym and other gyms I've been in. The experiences of other may vary5 -
I'm sometimes a little bit bummed my husband isn't interested in any kind of formal exercise. I think if he could get past his mental block that he would hate it (which I get because I used to have it too) he would really like it. He isn't overweight but he does have family history of certain health problems. I want him to take care of himself so we can hopefully spend a long life together, though of course there are no guarantees.
But I am very grateful that he's supportive of my weight loss efforts and doesn't complain even if it sometimes inconveniences him. He's suspicious of nutritional yeast and thinks cottage cheese is gross, but he likes and eats the food I make (I do most of the cooking for the family) and if he fixes me something he will actually weigh it for me now that I showed him how the food scale works. He's not offended if he offers a treat and I say no thanks. We do walk together often just as part of living our lives. But for us right now, exercise is a hobby of mine that isn't one of his. We have a lot of other things in common, though, and he's loved me through the scale moving up and down for a long time, so I take solace in that. 6 -
My ex spouse was not supportive and he was not nice about my desire to better myself physically. He called it an obsession as well as mocked me if I mentioned difficulty or soreness. His words, "Why do you even bother? It's not like it's doing any good anyway. Why can't you just be old, fat and happy like me?" Well, I wasn't happy being old and fat. When he said this to me I had already dropped 30 pounds and was gaining muscle and strength. It was actually incentive for me to try harder and prove him wrong. I am fortunate now that I have a partner who praises and encourages me and by my example he has started making changes in his cooking and eating and is talking about getting more active and joining a gym. I agree with OP, it is disappointing when your partner doesn't share your desire to live this lifestyle, but she is very fortunate in the fact that he isn't sabotaging her or working against her. Hopefully with time, the other person will see the benefits and might slowly start incorporating them into their lives.8
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As someone who acquired type 2 diabetes from a poor lifestyle before deciding to get healthy, I would just like to point out that the decision to have a big belly isn’t entirely a personal decision, it’s a health decision, and having a sick or dead spouse has a huge impact on your life. Having fat around the midsection is a canary in the coal mine for metabolic syndrome, which leads to diabetes, which often leads to heart attacks, amputations, stroke, blindness, and death!
Anyway you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. But a few gentle words about wanting to live a long life together might not be out of place, especially if the big belly is a recent thing. I’m not sure what approach would have helped, but I certainly wish someone had gotten me interested in my health before I got a permanent disease.5 -
Theoldguy1 wrote: »Redordeadhead wrote: »Theoldguy1 wrote: »For the OP do you want him to work out or work out with you? Most guys aren't going to be fans of dance classes, etc that many females enjoy.
Women do plenty of other types of physical activity, we don't all like dance classes (and some men do).
If you read my original post I suggested the OP's husband may not want to do the same workout that she does. I used dance classes as an example.
There are many women at my gym in the free weight area as well as other parts of the gym (probably close to 50/50).
There are few if any males in the dance classes. Just my observation based on my gym and other gyms I've been in. The experiences of other may vary
I read your post, this is it in full with no further context:
For the OP do you want him to work out or work out with you? Most guys aren't going to be fans of dance classes, etc that many females enjoy.
Since the OP didn't mention she does dance classes, I just found it a bit of unnecessary stereotyping to go immediately to the suggestion that part of the issue could be that her husband - or guys in general - may not want to work out with females because many females do dance classes.7 -
Thank you for posting on this subject. Honestly, I feel as though I could've written your post. It's frustrating because I feel like there's so much he's missing out on. He's worked so hard to save for retirement and yet, I feel like he's neglecting to invest in his health. What good is a nice retirement if your health doesn't allow for you to enjoy it? I want us to be able to do things together and have a good quality of life as we age.5
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People just have to find it within themselves to do it when they feel they are ready or want to. Sometimes it takes a health scare or they get inspired from something or someone else. You just gotta keep doing you and that's really all you can do.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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My husband does not share my diet lifestyle either. I cringe sometime at what he eats and drinks and worry how this will effect his health. What can you do? I just accept it and am thankful I am doing what I do and stay healthy. We even cook our own meals (I am a vegetarian and he eats a lot of meat and processed meat). Who knows he may live to be 100. I just know both my parents died young and I want to be around as long as I can.0
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Theoldguy1 wrote: »Redordeadhead wrote: »Theoldguy1 wrote: »For the OP do you want him to work out or work out with you? Most guys aren't going to be fans of dance classes, etc that many females enjoy.
Women do plenty of other types of physical activity, we don't all like dance classes (and some men do).
If you read my original post I suggested the OP's husband may not want to do the same workout that she does. I used dance classes as an example.
There are many women at my gym in the free weight area as well as other parts of the gym (probably close to 50/50).
There are few if any males in the dance classes. Just my observation based on my gym and other gyms I've been in. The experiences of other may vary
While you'd never catch me in a Zumba class, having lived in multiple states, two of them while I was a yoga teacher and working in many gyms, I share your observation about lack of male attendance in dance classes.
I got the point you were trying to make.
My OH and I are both active - separately. I am passionate about my hobbies, and he his.
Oh, and I tried to get him to walk with me for years and he never would do it...until he decided he wanted to start walking the cat.
As I said previously, not a calorie burner like a good dog walk, so I bring tools and work on the trails while they meander along.3
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