Intimacy Schedule

13

Replies

  • autumnblade75
    autumnblade75 Posts: 1,661 Member
    Is there a reason you can't go to bed earlier so that you can wake early and still get enough sleep? I'll admit to skimming some of the responses, so I missed it if this was addressed.
  • paperpudding
    paperpudding Posts: 9,275 Member
    autumnblade75 wrote: »
    Is there a reason you can't go to bed earlier so that you can wake early and still get enough sleep? I'll admit to skimming some of the responses, so I missed it if this was addressed.


    yes this may be a thing OP could sometimes do, or may be not ( I dont know all her life details) - but her husband has to compromise too, not all the onus be on her to change her lifestyle to make it work for him.
    Which is what your post seems to be suggesting.

  • autumnblade75
    autumnblade75 Posts: 1,661 Member
    paperpudding wrote: »
    autumnblade75 wrote: »
    Is there a reason you can't go to bed earlier so that you can wake early and still get enough sleep? I'll admit to skimming some of the responses, so I missed it if this was addressed.


    yes this may be a thing OP could sometimes do, or may be not ( I dont know all her life details) - but her husband has to compromise too, not all the onus be on her to change her lifestyle to make it work for him.
    Which is what your post seems to be suggesting.

    I don't disagree that he could compromise, too. I am only asking if this is a possibility. For him to compromise, OP will need to communicate more effectively that this is a big deal. If she'd prefer to keep making all the sacrifices, at least she needn't be sleep deprived (if her lifestyle allows for an earlier bedtime).
  • autumnblade75
    autumnblade75 Posts: 1,661 Member
    lynn_glenmont wrote: »
    autumnblade75 wrote: »
    Is there a reason you can't go to bed earlier so that you can wake early and still get enough sleep? I'll admit to skimming some of the responses, so I missed it if this was addressed.

    I like this solution if it means she gets to stop doing all the other "good wife" stuff she probably does in the evening (preparing dinner, cleaning up the kitchen, maybe getting a load of laundry done, etc.) Finish work and head to bed (or drive home and head to bed if she's not #WorkingFromHome).

    Is division of labor the question, or was it "How can I be intimate on his schedule, but not sleep deprived?" I know everyone here is tackling all the women's lib issues that they've inferred - but can we consider it simply from a time management perspective?
  • autumnblade75
    autumnblade75 Posts: 1,661 Member
    paperpudding wrote: »
    autumnblade75 wrote: »
    lynn_glenmont wrote: »
    autumnblade75 wrote: »
    Is there a reason you can't go to bed earlier so that you can wake early and still get enough sleep? I'll admit to skimming some of the responses, so I missed it if this was addressed.

    I like this solution if it means she gets to stop doing all the other "good wife" stuff she probably does in the evening (preparing dinner, cleaning up the kitchen, maybe getting a load of laundry done, etc.) Finish work and head to bed (or drive home and head to bed if she's not #WorkingFromHome).

    Is division of labor the question, or was it "How can I be intimate on his schedule, but not sleep deprived?" I know everyone here is tackling all the women's lib issues that they've inferred - but can we consider it simply from a time management perspective?


    again you seem to be implying it is her who needs to change - her time management that needs improving.

    No I dont think the question is How can she make all the sacrifices to suit him? - or at least it shouldnt be.

    Compromise and both peoples needs being considered equally - I didnt think that was a women's lib issue, (or at least was a very basic one that we had long moved past) - just a basic relationship premise.

    I've had some time to read the rest of the thread more thoroughly, so I see more of why you feel that the husband is the one who needs to change. Maybe. We haven't heard his side of the story.

    Something certainly should change. If she's not going to be firm about her unwillingness to meet his time schedule, there's no reason to continue to do it without the full night of sleep. If she WANTS to keep cleaning the kitchen and cleaning the skidmarks from his underwear, too - she could shift that to the morning, since she's not going back to sleep, anyway. If she doesn't want to be saddled with all those traditional women's chores, she should speak up about that, too. But just to be clear, I do see that as a separate issue from trying to figure out how to keep him satisfied while still getting a good night's sleep.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 28,052 Member
    autumnblade75 wrote: »
    paperpudding wrote: »
    autumnblade75 wrote: »
    lynn_glenmont wrote: »
    autumnblade75 wrote: »
    Is there a reason you can't go to bed earlier so that you can wake early and still get enough sleep? I'll admit to skimming some of the responses, so I missed it if this was addressed.

    I like this solution if it means she gets to stop doing all the other "good wife" stuff she probably does in the evening (preparing dinner, cleaning up the kitchen, maybe getting a load of laundry done, etc.) Finish work and head to bed (or drive home and head to bed if she's not #WorkingFromHome).

    Is division of labor the question, or was it "How can I be intimate on his schedule, but not sleep deprived?" I know everyone here is tackling all the women's lib issues that they've inferred - but can we consider it simply from a time management perspective?


    again you seem to be implying it is her who needs to change - her time management that needs improving.

    No I dont think the question is How can she make all the sacrifices to suit him? - or at least it shouldnt be.

    Compromise and both peoples needs being considered equally - I didnt think that was a women's lib issue, (or at least was a very basic one that we had long moved past) - just a basic relationship premise.

    I've had some time to read the rest of the thread more thoroughly, so I see more of why you feel that the husband is the one who needs to change. Maybe. We haven't heard his side of the story.

    Something certainly should change. If she's not going to be firm about her unwillingness to meet his time schedule, there's no reason to continue to do it without the full night of sleep. If she WANTS to keep cleaning the kitchen and cleaning the skidmarks from his underwear, too - she could shift that to the morning, since she's not going back to sleep, anyway. If she doesn't want to be saddled with all those traditional women's chores, she should speak up about that, too. But just to be clear, I do see that as a separate issue from trying to figure out how to keep him satisfied while still getting a good night's sleep.

    I'm female and agree that this might be able to be solved from a time management issue as well. I had been wondering why she couldn't just go to bed earlier and assumed there was a reason for it. If it's just chores, sure, those could be moved to the morning.
  • autumnblade75
    autumnblade75 Posts: 1,661 Member
    Muscleflex79 wrote: »
    kshama2001 wrote: »
    autumnblade75 wrote: »
    paperpudding wrote: »
    autumnblade75 wrote: »
    lynn_glenmont wrote: »
    autumnblade75 wrote: »
    Is there a reason you can't go to bed earlier so that you can wake early and still get enough sleep? I'll admit to skimming some of the responses, so I missed it if this was addressed.

    I like this solution if it means she gets to stop doing all the other "good wife" stuff she probably does in the evening (preparing dinner, cleaning up the kitchen, maybe getting a load of laundry done, etc.) Finish work and head to bed (or drive home and head to bed if she's not #WorkingFromHome).

    Is division of labor the question, or was it "How can I be intimate on his schedule, but not sleep deprived?" I know everyone here is tackling all the women's lib issues that they've inferred - but can we consider it simply from a time management perspective?


    again you seem to be implying it is her who needs to change - her time management that needs improving.

    No I dont think the question is How can she make all the sacrifices to suit him? - or at least it shouldnt be.

    Compromise and both peoples needs being considered equally - I didnt think that was a women's lib issue, (or at least was a very basic one that we had long moved past) - just a basic relationship premise.

    I've had some time to read the rest of the thread more thoroughly, so I see more of why you feel that the husband is the one who needs to change. Maybe. We haven't heard his side of the story.

    Something certainly should change. If she's not going to be firm about her unwillingness to meet his time schedule, there's no reason to continue to do it without the full night of sleep. If she WANTS to keep cleaning the kitchen and cleaning the skidmarks from his underwear, too - she could shift that to the morning, since she's not going back to sleep, anyway. If she doesn't want to be saddled with all those traditional women's chores, she should speak up about that, too. But just to be clear, I do see that as a separate issue from trying to figure out how to keep him satisfied while still getting a good night's sleep.

    I'm female and agree that this might be able to be solved from a time management issue as well. I had been wondering why she couldn't just go to bed earlier and assumed there was a reason for it. If it's just chores, sure, those could be moved to the morning.

    why should it be a time management issue on her part that requires her to reorder her life? why exactly can't he do the same?

    Well, he could. If she can convince him to work in the intimacy on her schedule. I didn't see where OP asked for that, though. Whole separate issue.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 28,052 Member
    edited October 2020
    Muscleflex79 wrote: »
    kshama2001 wrote: »
    autumnblade75 wrote: »
    paperpudding wrote: »
    autumnblade75 wrote: »
    lynn_glenmont wrote: »
    autumnblade75 wrote: »
    Is there a reason you can't go to bed earlier so that you can wake early and still get enough sleep? I'll admit to skimming some of the responses, so I missed it if this was addressed.

    I like this solution if it means she gets to stop doing all the other "good wife" stuff she probably does in the evening (preparing dinner, cleaning up the kitchen, maybe getting a load of laundry done, etc.) Finish work and head to bed (or drive home and head to bed if she's not #WorkingFromHome).

    Is division of labor the question, or was it "How can I be intimate on his schedule, but not sleep deprived?" I know everyone here is tackling all the women's lib issues that they've inferred - but can we consider it simply from a time management perspective?


    again you seem to be implying it is her who needs to change - her time management that needs improving.

    No I dont think the question is How can she make all the sacrifices to suit him? - or at least it shouldnt be.

    Compromise and both peoples needs being considered equally - I didnt think that was a women's lib issue, (or at least was a very basic one that we had long moved past) - just a basic relationship premise.

    I've had some time to read the rest of the thread more thoroughly, so I see more of why you feel that the husband is the one who needs to change. Maybe. We haven't heard his side of the story.

    Something certainly should change. If she's not going to be firm about her unwillingness to meet his time schedule, there's no reason to continue to do it without the full night of sleep. If she WANTS to keep cleaning the kitchen and cleaning the skidmarks from his underwear, too - she could shift that to the morning, since she's not going back to sleep, anyway. If she doesn't want to be saddled with all those traditional women's chores, she should speak up about that, too. But just to be clear, I do see that as a separate issue from trying to figure out how to keep him satisfied while still getting a good night's sleep.

    I'm female and agree that this might be able to be solved from a time management issue as well. I had been wondering why she couldn't just go to bed earlier and assumed there was a reason for it. If it's just chores, sure, those could be moved to the morning.

    why should it be a time management issue on her part that requires her to reorder her life? why exactly can't he do the same?

    FTR, my first point on this thread was that she should have a SERIOUS talk with him and that I thought she hadn't been clear in the past.

    She sounded clear in her OP that bed time intimacy was a non-starter for him and that he is constrained by his 5 AM work start time.

    Rereading the OP I see she likes to work out in the evenings and hates working out in the AM.

    Over the decades, I've had all sorts of sleep and workout schedules. Working third shift (overnight) is now a Hard No. But I did try it for a few months. Due to his 5 AM work start, I think she should try going to bed earlier and working out in the AM for a few months. If that doesn't work, they can negotiate.
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
    @scarlett_k <3
  • psychod787
    psychod787 Posts: 4,099 Member
    lynn_glenmont wrote: »
    kshama2001 wrote: »
    autumnblade75 wrote: »
    paperpudding wrote: »
    autumnblade75 wrote: »
    lynn_glenmont wrote: »
    autumnblade75 wrote: »
    Is there a reason you can't go to bed earlier so that you can wake early and still get enough sleep? I'll admit to skimming some of the responses, so I missed it if this was addressed.

    I like this solution if it means she gets to stop doing all the other "good wife" stuff she probably does in the evening (preparing dinner, cleaning up the kitchen, maybe getting a load of laundry done, etc.) Finish work and head to bed (or drive home and head to bed if she's not #WorkingFromHome).

    Is division of labor the question, or was it "How can I be intimate on his schedule, but not sleep deprived?" I know everyone here is tackling all the women's lib issues that they've inferred - but can we consider it simply from a time management perspective?


    again you seem to be implying it is her who needs to change - her time management that needs improving.

    No I dont think the question is How can she make all the sacrifices to suit him? - or at least it shouldnt be.

    Compromise and both peoples needs being considered equally - I didnt think that was a women's lib issue, (or at least was a very basic one that we had long moved past) - just a basic relationship premise.

    I've had some time to read the rest of the thread more thoroughly, so I see more of why you feel that the husband is the one who needs to change. Maybe. We haven't heard his side of the story.

    Something certainly should change. If she's not going to be firm about her unwillingness to meet his time schedule, there's no reason to continue to do it without the full night of sleep. If she WANTS to keep cleaning the kitchen and cleaning the skidmarks from his underwear, too - she could shift that to the morning, since she's not going back to sleep, anyway. If she doesn't want to be saddled with all those traditional women's chores, she should speak up about that, too. But just to be clear, I do see that as a separate issue from trying to figure out how to keep him satisfied while still getting a good night's sleep.

    I'm female and agree that this might be able to be solved from a time management issue as well. I had been wondering why she couldn't just go to bed earlier and assumed there was a reason for it. If it's just chores, sure, those could be moved to the morning.

    According to medical professionals, most people need 7 to 9 hours of sleep a night. If he's waking her up at 3:30 a.m., she would need to go to bed between 6:30 and 8:30 p.m. My impression is she's working a normal day-shift schedule. Back when we were all commuting, lots of people I know were not even home by 6:30 p.m. For best sleep, it's generally recommended that you have about an hour without a lot of activity or screen time before sleep. Obviously I don't know all the specifics of her situation, but she has specifically said that exercising in the morning does not work for her. So that's pushing her back two hours from whenever she gets home before going to bed.

    So her husband is asking her to either do without a full night of rest, or to move her exercise to the morning when that doesn't work for her.

    The amount of sleep needed is very individual. Some need 5-6 and do well. Others need 7 or more....
  • psychod787
    psychod787 Posts: 4,099 Member
    lynn_glenmont wrote: »
    psychod787 wrote: »
    lynn_glenmont wrote: »
    kshama2001 wrote: »
    autumnblade75 wrote: »
    paperpudding wrote: »
    autumnblade75 wrote: »
    lynn_glenmont wrote: »
    autumnblade75 wrote: »
    Is there a reason you can't go to bed earlier so that you can wake early and still get enough sleep? I'll admit to skimming some of the responses, so I missed it if this was addressed.

    I like this solution if it means she gets to stop doing all the other "good wife" stuff she probably does in the evening (preparing dinner, cleaning up the kitchen, maybe getting a load of laundry done, etc.) Finish work and head to bed (or drive home and head to bed if she's not #WorkingFromHome).

    Is division of labor the question, or was it "How can I be intimate on his schedule, but not sleep deprived?" I know everyone here is tackling all the women's lib issues that they've inferred - but can we consider it simply from a time management perspective?


    again you seem to be implying it is her who needs to change - her time management that needs improving.

    No I dont think the question is How can she make all the sacrifices to suit him? - or at least it shouldnt be.

    Compromise and both peoples needs being considered equally - I didnt think that was a women's lib issue, (or at least was a very basic one that we had long moved past) - just a basic relationship premise.

    I've had some time to read the rest of the thread more thoroughly, so I see more of why you feel that the husband is the one who needs to change. Maybe. We haven't heard his side of the story.

    Something certainly should change. If she's not going to be firm about her unwillingness to meet his time schedule, there's no reason to continue to do it without the full night of sleep. If she WANTS to keep cleaning the kitchen and cleaning the skidmarks from his underwear, too - she could shift that to the morning, since she's not going back to sleep, anyway. If she doesn't want to be saddled with all those traditional women's chores, she should speak up about that, too. But just to be clear, I do see that as a separate issue from trying to figure out how to keep him satisfied while still getting a good night's sleep.

    I'm female and agree that this might be able to be solved from a time management issue as well. I had been wondering why she couldn't just go to bed earlier and assumed there was a reason for it. If it's just chores, sure, those could be moved to the morning.

    According to medical professionals, most people need 7 to 9 hours of sleep a night. If he's waking her up at 3:30 a.m., she would need to go to bed between 6:30 and 8:30 p.m. My impression is she's working a normal day-shift schedule. Back when we were all commuting, lots of people I know were not even home by 6:30 p.m. For best sleep, it's generally recommended that you have about an hour without a lot of activity or screen time before sleep. Obviously I don't know all the specifics of her situation, but she has specifically said that exercising in the morning does not work for her. So that's pushing her back two hours from whenever she gets home before going to bed.

    So her husband is asking her to either do without a full night of rest, or to move her exercise to the morning when that doesn't work for her.

    The amount of sleep needed is very individual. Some need 5-6 and do well. Others need 7 or more....

    Non sequitur. I said most.

    MOST people believe CICO is what controls weight, but SOME dont. OP might need 5hrs or 12 hrs. So, it does follow your statement. Only op knows how much she needs. Honestly op needs to decide what she wants and quit asking strangers on a forum on ways to FIx her sex life.... j.s.
  • psychod787
    psychod787 Posts: 4,099 Member
    psychod787 wrote: »
    lynn_glenmont wrote: »
    psychod787 wrote: »
    lynn_glenmont wrote: »
    kshama2001 wrote: »
    autumnblade75 wrote: »
    paperpudding wrote: »
    autumnblade75 wrote: »
    lynn_glenmont wrote: »
    autumnblade75 wrote: »
    Is there a reason you can't go to bed earlier so that you can wake early and still get enough sleep? I'll admit to skimming some of the responses, so I missed it if this was addressed.

    I like this solution if it means she gets to stop doing all the other "good wife" stuff she probably does in the evening (preparing dinner, cleaning up the kitchen, maybe getting a load of laundry done, etc.) Finish work and head to bed (or drive home and head to bed if she's not #WorkingFromHome).

    Is division of labor the question, or was it "How can I be intimate on his schedule, but not sleep deprived?" I know everyone here is tackling all the women's lib issues that they've inferred - but can we consider it simply from a time management perspective?


    again you seem to be implying it is her who needs to change - her time management that needs improving.

    No I dont think the question is How can she make all the sacrifices to suit him? - or at least it shouldnt be.

    Compromise and both peoples needs being considered equally - I didnt think that was a women's lib issue, (or at least was a very basic one that we had long moved past) - just a basic relationship premise.

    I've had some time to read the rest of the thread more thoroughly, so I see more of why you feel that the husband is the one who needs to change. Maybe. We haven't heard his side of the story.

    Something certainly should change. If she's not going to be firm about her unwillingness to meet his time schedule, there's no reason to continue to do it without the full night of sleep. If she WANTS to keep cleaning the kitchen and cleaning the skidmarks from his underwear, too - she could shift that to the morning, since she's not going back to sleep, anyway. If she doesn't want to be saddled with all those traditional women's chores, she should speak up about that, too. But just to be clear, I do see that as a separate issue from trying to figure out how to keep him satisfied while still getting a good night's sleep.

    I'm female and agree that this might be able to be solved from a time management issue as well. I had been wondering why she couldn't just go to bed earlier and assumed there was a reason for it. If it's just chores, sure, those could be moved to the morning.

    According to medical professionals, most people need 7 to 9 hours of sleep a night. If he's waking her up at 3:30 a.m., she would need to go to bed between 6:30 and 8:30 p.m. My impression is she's working a normal day-shift schedule. Back when we were all commuting, lots of people I know were not even home by 6:30 p.m. For best sleep, it's generally recommended that you have about an hour without a lot of activity or screen time before sleep. Obviously I don't know all the specifics of her situation, but she has specifically said that exercising in the morning does not work for her. So that's pushing her back two hours from whenever she gets home before going to bed.

    So her husband is asking her to either do without a full night of rest, or to move her exercise to the morning when that doesn't work for her.

    The amount of sleep needed is very individual. Some need 5-6 and do well. Others need 7 or more....

    Non sequitur. I said most.

    MOST people believe CICO is what controls weight, but SOME dont. OP might need 5hrs or 12 hrs. So, it does follow your statement. Only op knows how much she needs. Honestly op needs to decide what she wants and quit asking strangers on a forum on ways to FIx her sex life.... j.s.

    **edit** do nothing... nothing changes. Do something and things may change. That's it. That simple.
  • dragon_girl26
    dragon_girl26 Posts: 2,187 Member
    edited October 2020
    If you always do what you always did, you always get what you always got..

    I mean, either way OP is going to have to change something in order to get her sleep. She either changes her "time management", or she changes by putting her foot down and not acquiescing to her partner's late night "needs' anymore.
  • domeofstars
    domeofstars Posts: 480 Member
    What you allow is what will continue. Your needs are just as important as his, and getting enough sleep is really important for your health. I just wanted to share this link in case it helps you because this book helped me a great deal when i read it https://www.hubspot.com/sales/how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people-summary So this is just a quick summary of some simple tips.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 28,052 Member
    lynn_glenmont wrote: »
    autumnblade75 wrote: »
    lynn_glenmont wrote: »
    autumnblade75 wrote: »
    Is there a reason you can't go to bed earlier so that you can wake early and still get enough sleep? I'll admit to skimming some of the responses, so I missed it if this was addressed.

    I like this solution if it means she gets to stop doing all the other "good wife" stuff she probably does in the evening (preparing dinner, cleaning up the kitchen, maybe getting a load of laundry done, etc.) Finish work and head to bed (or drive home and head to bed if she's not #WorkingFromHome).

    Is division of labor the question, or was it "How can I be intimate on his schedule, but not sleep deprived?" I know everyone here is tackling all the women's lib issues that they've inferred - but can we consider it simply from a time management perspective?

    Getting woken up in the middle of the night is not a time-management issue. It's an issue of one partner thinking something they want (sex on their own schedule) is more important than something their partner needs (adequate sleep).

    If I had a partner tell me that the reason I wasn't raring to go at 3:30 a.m. was because I had time-management issues, they would get one chance to find time in their schedule for counseling, and if they couldn't manage their time for that, they wouldn't be my partner any more.

    He's not taking her seriously. The problem could lie in her ability to communicate OR his ability to receive information. Clear communication is a skill.

    Over the decades, I have observed the women in my life IRL not communicating clearly with their partners or men in general who are annoying them, so my default position is that it is likely that the woman needs to improve her communication. (This does NOT apply to the many women on MFP who are clear communicators, like yourself.)

    Based on her response on page 1, I do think her communication could be improved:
    goalpeace wrote: »
    Well it definitely looks like we've got some work to do. I have spoken to him about it in the past but it's always been taken lightly and pretty much laughed at. Kinda like it's a "good thing" I wake up cause I'm doing what needs to be done as a wife. Like "You are awesome!" type thing. Also, sometimes he says he noticed I looked peaceful in my sleep and he chose not to wake me. Like I should thank him or something. Yikes!

    We do get a long really well & he's a great guy. I'm not just saying that either lol I see other relationships.

    However, that is completely separate from this issue. I am sacrificing a lot here. I depend on coffee. I've known for a long time it affects me.

    I am gonna talk to him again. It's been a while since I've seriously brought it up.

    You all are great!!

    And again, he could be narcissistic and unable to hear her, in which case it is a matter for counseling or more likely divorce.
  • xbowhunter
    xbowhunter Posts: 1,223 Member
    Forget the counseling. Been there done that. The counselor we went to was a nut job and messed with our heads. Never again!

    Basically just talk to your partner and let him know hands off if I'm sleeping.
    If he doesn't like it he will get over it...lol

    If I woke my wife up for sex I would expect a not so pleasant experience... :)
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
    @xbowhunter There you go. With that kind of logic, I'm moving back home again. Hugs and kisses all around.

    OP, if you're still out there and all of this has been too much, I'm sure they'd delete the thread rather than have you go anywhere. I'm just wondering where you are.
  • janejellyroll
    janejellyroll Posts: 25,763 Member
    xbowhunter wrote: »
    Forget the counseling. Been there done that. The counselor we went to was a nut job and messed with our heads. Never again!

    Basically just talk to your partner and let him know hands off if I'm sleeping.
    If he doesn't like it he will get over it...lol

    If I woke my wife up for sex I would expect a not so pleasant experience... :)

    There are some bad counselors out there, as well as counselors who are a great fit for some people and not for others. We have to use our own discernment to figure out someone we can have a productive relationship with and keep looking if we don't find a good first fit, but counseling can be a really helpful tool to improve relationships.

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