Intimacy Schedule
goalpeace
Posts: 272 Member
Hello,
Not sure if this has been discussed before here. Anyway, here goes:
I've been married for 8+ years and living with my Husband for 10. Like a lot of blue collar workers he needs to be at work by 5am. At least 3 out of the 5 work days a week he wakes me up out of a DEAD sleep for intimacy around 3:30 am. I'm a good wife.
With that said, my health (sleep) is affected. I've also noticed that regardless of whether I'm at my fittest or not, the early morning disruptions basically ruin my sleep. I sometimes can go back to bed (for 2.5 more hours) but most of the time just try with no success. I watch T.V.
If it were up to me, I would choose before bed but he is NOT on that schedule at all.
Also, I am not a morning exerciser so don't even suggest it lol I've tried that. I hate it. I work out in the early evenings.
Has anyone experienced this? And if so, do you have any tips on how to manage the disruptions?
This is weird, I know!
Thanks!
Not sure if this has been discussed before here. Anyway, here goes:
I've been married for 8+ years and living with my Husband for 10. Like a lot of blue collar workers he needs to be at work by 5am. At least 3 out of the 5 work days a week he wakes me up out of a DEAD sleep for intimacy around 3:30 am. I'm a good wife.
With that said, my health (sleep) is affected. I've also noticed that regardless of whether I'm at my fittest or not, the early morning disruptions basically ruin my sleep. I sometimes can go back to bed (for 2.5 more hours) but most of the time just try with no success. I watch T.V.
If it were up to me, I would choose before bed but he is NOT on that schedule at all.
Also, I am not a morning exerciser so don't even suggest it lol I've tried that. I hate it. I work out in the early evenings.
Has anyone experienced this? And if so, do you have any tips on how to manage the disruptions?
This is weird, I know!
Thanks!
12
Replies
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This is something I'd suggest seeing a marriage counselor for. I doubt anyone here is qualified to work out an intimacy schedule. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to give a generic "communicate with your partner" on this one.29
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Maybe a "tough love" suggestion but I feel you're letting your dislike for AM exercise get in the way of compromise to accommodate his work schedule and what's suffering is your sleep. Maybe you can retool your thinking to have the early wakeups be a fun warmup and "embrace the suck" and just move your workout to the morning. I feel like you've already answered your own question, you just dont like the answer.
(Married 8+ myself with similar challenges so this isn't unsympathetic!)5 -
ajwindsorii wrote: »This is something I'd suggest seeing a marriage counselor for. I doubt anyone here is qualified to work out an intimacy schedule. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to give a generic "communicate with your partner" on this one.
This... lol5 -
Ugh no! I don't wanna work out in the morning you guys! 🤣🤣
I guess maybe I do need some counseling. I also think this should be discussed prior to marriage. We go from exciting dating schedules to being stuck in a Twilight Zone episode sleep deprived.6 -
Ugh no! I don't wanna work out in the morning you guys! 🤣🤣
I guess maybe I do need some counseling. I also think this should be discussed prior to marriage. We go from exciting dating schedules to being stuck in a Twilight Zone episode sleep deprived.
Been there, done that. Honestly would recommend it even if you think things are great, they can always get better.5 -
Married 8+ years here.
I've not tried counseling myself (not against it just haven't don't it), but have you openly discussed this with him? Like, I'm all for everyone meeting each others needs, but you also have a need for a normal sleep schedule so maybe there's a compromise in there that can be talked through?8 -
You are the WOMAN... You have all the POWER... Just make him follow your schedule or he gets nothing...
18 -
I second the suggestion for counseling. It can be really helpful even in the context of a marriage that is working!
Anyway, my personal experience: my husband works at night, I'm a morning person. Your situation . . . well, I've been in a similar one. I can't go back to a restful sleep after a certain point. I just told my husband, during a time when we were both awake and feeling calm and happy, what times were off-limits for me to be woken up. It helped when I shared with him the times when I was most likely to want to wake him up -- for me, it was the early morning. We agreed that it was reasonable for us both to block off time when the rule is "don't wake me up unless it is an emergency."
We also made a list of the times that worked really well for both of us and got better about "using" those times.
It may help to decouple your identity as the "good wife" with doing things that hurt your health. You're important enough to get a full night of rest. Prioritizing this, within reason, doesn't make you selfish or inconsiderate. We simply can't be at our best when our rest is getting interrupted multiple times a week. When they're unavoidable, we just have to do the best we can. But he's doing this to you. I hope he doesn't know how disruptive this is to your life and that you can work it out by letting him know.
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Have you ever tried talking to him about this or initiate intimacy earlier in the evening?4
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bcalvanese wrote: »You are the WOMAN... You have all the POWER... Just make him follow your schedule or he gets nothing...
I'm guessing you're being sarcastic here, but this is what NOT to do. This is a recipe for disaster. OP, the key is open communication. Discuss your lack of sleep and how it's affecting your health and work on a compromise. Marriage is never easy.11 -
Ugh no! I don't wanna work out in the morning you guys! 🤣🤣
I guess maybe I do need some counseling. I also think this should be discussed prior to marriage. We go from exciting dating schedules to being stuck in a Twilight Zone episode sleep deprived.
You already are working out in the morning! 😂😂😂
On a more serious note, I’ll echo what everyone else has said... counseling is never a bad idea! But you can certainly communicate without a 3rd part present. (Some couples do struggle with effective communication without some professional 3rd party assistance, but you haven’t given that indication, so I’m going with the *kitten*umption that you can effectively communicate with your partner). I think it’s important for you to not directly link “good wife” with “putting out” on your partner’s schedule. For ME, I would ultimately not be a good wife by doing that- I’d be cranky, snippy, and irritable due to the constant disruption to my sleep and that would eventually lead to resentment. I think a discussion and compromise would be incredibly beneficial. Maybe both of you could make small changes to your schedules (bedtime, change in the “intimacy schedule,” workout time, etc.) to better accommodate both of your needs because your needs matter too- especially if meeting his and not yours are impacting your health/wellbeing!
As a side note, do/have you tracked your sleep?! Sounds like the current intimacy schedule is wreaking havoc on your circadian rhythm, which can be a nightmare for a lot of people. If he’s waking you up during your deepest/best sleep, that’s lousy for you. I used to do sleep tracking and instead of an alarm, had my device set to gently wake me up during my lightest (early morning) sleep. Maybe track for a bit and show him some black and white info that he’s really disrupting a healthy schedule for you. Sometimes you have to hit men over the head with it for it to register! Lol5 -
Ugh no! I don't wanna work out in the morning you guys! 🤣🤣
I guess maybe I do need some counseling. I also think this should be discussed prior to marriage. We go from exciting dating schedules to being stuck in a Twilight Zone episode sleep deprived.
You already are working out in the morning! 😂😂😂
On a more serious note, I’ll echo what everyone else has said... counseling is never a bad idea! But you can certainly communicate without a 3rd part present. (Some couples do struggle with effective communication without some professional 3rd party assistance, but you haven’t given that indication, so I’m going with the *kitten*umption that you can effectively communicate with your partner). I think it’s important for you to not directly link “good wife” with “putting out” on your partner’s schedule. For ME, I would ultimately not be a good wife by doing that- I’d be cranky, snippy, and irritable due to the constant disruption to my sleep and that would eventually lead to resentment. I think a discussion and compromise would be incredibly beneficial. Maybe both of you could make small changes to your schedules (bedtime, change in the “intimacy schedule,” workout time, etc.) to better accommodate both of your needs because your needs matter too- especially if meeting his and not yours are impacting your health/wellbeing!
As a side note, do/have you tracked your sleep?! Sounds like the current intimacy schedule is wreaking havoc on your circadian rhythm, which can be a nightmare for a lot of people. If he’s waking you up during your deepest/best sleep, that’s lousy for you. I used to do sleep tracking and instead of an alarm, had my device set to gently wake me up during my lightest (early morning) sleep. Maybe track for a bit and show him some black and white info that he’s really disrupting a healthy schedule for you. Sometimes you have to hit men over the head with it for it to register! Lol
Being a "good wife" (good partner in general) includes sometimes saying "I'd rather not" or "I don't want to."21 -
janejellyroll wrote: »Ugh no! I don't wanna work out in the morning you guys! 🤣🤣
I guess maybe I do need some counseling. I also think this should be discussed prior to marriage. We go from exciting dating schedules to being stuck in a Twilight Zone episode sleep deprived.
You already are working out in the morning! 😂😂😂
On a more serious note, I’ll echo what everyone else has said... counseling is never a bad idea! But you can certainly communicate without a 3rd part present. (Some couples do struggle with effective communication without some professional 3rd party assistance, but you haven’t given that indication, so I’m going with the *kitten*umption that you can effectively communicate with your partner). I think it’s important for you to not directly link “good wife” with “putting out” on your partner’s schedule. For ME, I would ultimately not be a good wife by doing that- I’d be cranky, snippy, and irritable due to the constant disruption to my sleep and that would eventually lead to resentment. I think a discussion and compromise would be incredibly beneficial. Maybe both of you could make small changes to your schedules (bedtime, change in the “intimacy schedule,” workout time, etc.) to better accommodate both of your needs because your needs matter too- especially if meeting his and not yours are impacting your health/wellbeing!
As a side note, do/have you tracked your sleep?! Sounds like the current intimacy schedule is wreaking havoc on your circadian rhythm, which can be a nightmare for a lot of people. If he’s waking you up during your deepest/best sleep, that’s lousy for you. I used to do sleep tracking and instead of an alarm, had my device set to gently wake me up during my lightest (early morning) sleep. Maybe track for a bit and show him some black and white info that he’s really disrupting a healthy schedule for you. Sometimes you have to hit men over the head with it for it to register! Lol
Being a "good wife" (good partner in general) includes sometimes saying "I'd rather not" or "I don't want to."
I agree... boundaries are not a bad thing.18 -
@janejellyroll @Chef_Barbell ABSOLUTELY!2
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conniewilkins56 wrote: »Have you ever tried talking to him about this or initiate intimacy earlier in the evening?
This exactly....if you have talked to him about it, and he only cares about HIS needs and not YOUR needs, then you have bigger problems and need to seek counselling.12 -
I am completely gobsmacked by this.
I would be so angry if I were woken up and expected to be up for this automatically. It would not go well.
This isn't the 19th century frankly, equal partners.
I consider myself to be a good wife and I expect him to be a good husband. That means not waking me up unless there are emergency circumstances.
I understand and agree that it should be communicated properly.
Although in practice my views would be expressed in very strong terms.37 -
Proper sleep is vital to health and disrupting it deliberately and repeatedly is unreasonable behaviour. Intimacy is an act requiring mutual consent. You need to have a full and frank discussion with your husband and find an approach that works for both of you. If you end up agreeing to him waking you in the small hours, that's up to you. But putting up with it and seeking advice from an internet forum is a recipe for increasing resentment and cannot be good for the relationship long term.11
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littlegreenparrot1 wrote: »I am completely gobsmacked by this.
I would be so angry if I were woken up and expected to be up for this automatically. It would not go well.
This isn't the 19th century frankly, equal partners.
I consider myself to be a good wife and I expect him to be a good husband. That means not waking me up unless there are emergency circumstances.
I understand and agree that it should be communicated properly.
Although in practice my views would be expressed in very strong terms.
To be completely fair, he may have NO IDEA that this is a problem for her. I personally don't mind being woken up as long as there is enough time for me to get two hours of sleep before I have to get up. If this has been their pattern, he may think this is working well and everyone is happy with it.10 -
Well it definitely looks like we've got some work to do. I have spoken to him about it in the past but it's always been taken lightly and pretty much laughed at. Kinda like it's a "good thing" I wake up cause I'm doing what needs to be done as a wife. Like "You are awesome!" type thing. Also, sometimes he says he noticed I looked peaceful in my sleep and he chose not to wake me. Like I should thank him or something. Yikes!
We do get a long really well & he's a great guy. I'm not just saying that either lol I see other relationships.
However, that is completely separate from this issue. I am sacrificing a lot here. I depend on coffee. I've known for a long time it affects me.
I am gonna talk to him again. It's been a while since I've seriously brought it up.
You all are great!!13 -
Well it definitely looks like we've got some work to do. I have spoken to him about it in the past but it's always been taken lightly and pretty much laughed at. Kinda like it's a "good thing" I wake up cause I'm doing what needs to be done as a wife. Like "You are awesome!" type thing. Also, sometimes he says he noticed I looked peaceful in my sleep and he chose not to wake me. Like I should thank him or something. Yikes!
We do get a long really well & he's a great guy. I'm not just saying that either lol I see other relationships.
However, that is completely separate from this issue. I am sacrificing a lot here. I depend on coffee. I've known for a long time it affects me.
I am gonna talk to him again. It's been a while since I've seriously brought it up.
You all are great!!
That's concerning... I hope he takes you seriously. He sounds like my narcissistic ex husband.9 -
littlegreenparrot1 wrote: »I am completely gobsmacked by this.
I would be so angry if I were woken up and expected to be up for this automatically. It would not go well.
This isn't the 19th century frankly, equal partners.
I consider myself to be a good wife and I expect him to be a good husband. That means not waking me up unless there are emergency circumstances.
I understand and agree that it should be communicated properly.
Although in practice my views would be expressed in very strong terms.
Agreed - if my partner did this he'd most likely find himself sleeping in the spare room, alone!
The whole "what needs be done as a wife" sounds like something from one of those horrible 50's How to be a good wife instructables.16 -
The fact that you're "a good wife" as you put it means you love him. I'm sure that's in part because he loves you. Everyone has good advice, I'm just here to say it sounds like you have what it takes to work things out.3
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It's not your duty to have sex with someone just because they want it, whether you're a good-wife, bad-wife or not-a-wife. Given it's having a fairly sizable impact on your day then surely it has to be rescheduled for a time that works for both of you. If he's not okay with that then there is definitely some other issues that need addressing.13
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Well it definitely looks like we've got some work to do. I have spoken to him about it in the past but it's always been taken lightly and pretty much laughed at. Kinda like it's a "good thing" I wake up cause I'm doing what needs to be done as a wife. Like "You are awesome!" type thing. Also, sometimes he says he noticed I looked peaceful in my sleep and he chose not to wake me. Like I should thank him or something. Yikes!
We do get a long really well & he's a great guy. I'm not just saying that either lol I see other relationships.
However, that is completely separate from this issue. I am sacrificing a lot here. I depend on coffee. I've known for a long time it affects me.
I am gonna talk to him again. It's been a while since I've seriously brought it up.
You all are great!!
I just want to say, in response to the bolded: yes, there are many disfunctional couples out there. That does not mean you don't deserve the best relationship for you.8 -
I've been married for 25 years. I long ago told my husband that if he wanted to get busy during the middle of the night go for it, but don't wake me up... meaning don't ask me to participate or expect me to "go" anywhere (meaning orgasm). It sounds awful, but I'm a heavy sleeper and do not do well being woken up. If it's right before I would normally wake up, that is usually ok. But right after I hit a deep sleep? No. We find that middle of the day/early evening nookie is better for everyone. I hope you guys find something that works for BOTH of you.4
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As a guy, I can state that most of us are pretty much idiots. Like most guys, we need to be hit over the head with things (sometimes more than once) for us to figure stuff out. Just tell him the truth. If he's halfway paying attention he'll get it. Maybe...
Not sure if this is a "go to counseling" moment unless there are other contributing factors or if you've already had the conversation repeatedly and he's not catching on, but as a husband I appreciate when my wife just tells me something straight up if she does or doesn't like something, whether its an intimate thing or just a day to day thing.
Just some thoughts. Hope it works out.14 -
tinkerbellang83 wrote: »littlegreenparrot1 wrote: »I am completely gobsmacked by this.
I would be so angry if I were woken up and expected to be up for this automatically. It would not go well.
This isn't the 19th century frankly, equal partners.
I consider myself to be a good wife and I expect him to be a good husband. That means not waking me up unless there are emergency circumstances.
I understand and agree that it should be communicated properly.
Although in practice my views would be expressed in very strong terms.
Agreed - if my partner did this he'd most likely find himself sleeping in the spare room, alone!
The whole "what needs be done as a wife" sounds like something from one of those horrible 50's How to be a good wife instructables.
That dynamic works in a lot of relationships. Just because it doesn't work for you doesn't mean it's simply outdated and obsolete.
Edit: I'm not saying you're inferring that, just observing.4 -
IronIsMyTherapy wrote: »tinkerbellang83 wrote: »littlegreenparrot1 wrote: »I am completely gobsmacked by this.
I would be so angry if I were woken up and expected to be up for this automatically. It would not go well.
This isn't the 19th century frankly, equal partners.
I consider myself to be a good wife and I expect him to be a good husband. That means not waking me up unless there are emergency circumstances.
I understand and agree that it should be communicated properly.
Although in practice my views would be expressed in very strong terms.
Agreed - if my partner did this he'd most likely find himself sleeping in the spare room, alone!
The whole "what needs be done as a wife" sounds like something from one of those horrible 50's How to be a good wife instructables.
That dynamic works in a lot of relationships. Just because it doesn't work for you doesn't mean it's simply outdated and obsolete.
The whole "I like my partner to be happy so I will do reasonable things that I know please them" thing never goes out of style.
The specific dynamic of "To be a good wife, I must be available to him at all times, regardless of the consequences to my health and enjoyment of life" IS outdated and obsolete.24 -
janejellyroll wrote: »IronIsMyTherapy wrote: »tinkerbellang83 wrote: »littlegreenparrot1 wrote: »I am completely gobsmacked by this.
I would be so angry if I were woken up and expected to be up for this automatically. It would not go well.
This isn't the 19th century frankly, equal partners.
I consider myself to be a good wife and I expect him to be a good husband. That means not waking me up unless there are emergency circumstances.
I understand and agree that it should be communicated properly.
Although in practice my views would be expressed in very strong terms.
Agreed - if my partner did this he'd most likely find himself sleeping in the spare room, alone!
The whole "what needs be done as a wife" sounds like something from one of those horrible 50's How to be a good wife instructables.
That dynamic works in a lot of relationships. Just because it doesn't work for you doesn't mean it's simply outdated and obsolete.
The whole "I like my partner to be happy so I will do reasonable things that I know please them" thing never goes out of style.
The specific dynamic of "To be a good wife, I must be available to him at all times, regardless of the consequences to my health and enjoyment of life" IS outdated and obsolete.
I dunno, I'm clearly not in a position to speak for women but I think that mindset still exists where the person actually enjoys filling that role.4 -
Just a friendly, preemptive reminder to keep your posts respectful and constructive. It's an interesting topic, but it may toe a bit into "divisive topics". Let's not allow things to overheat.
(Pun possibly intended, still haven't decided if it makes sense...)
-4legs
MFP volunteer moderator7
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