Intimacy Schedule
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littlegreenparrot1 wrote: »I am completely gobsmacked by this.
I would be so angry if I were woken up and expected to be up for this automatically. It would not go well.
This isn't the 19th century frankly, equal partners.
I consider myself to be a good wife and I expect him to be a good husband. That means not waking me up unless there are emergency circumstances.
I understand and agree that it should be communicated properly.
Although in practice my views would be expressed in very strong terms.
Agreed - if my partner did this he'd most likely find himself sleeping in the spare room, alone!
The whole "what needs be done as a wife" sounds like something from one of those horrible 50's How to be a good wife instructables.16 -
The fact that you're "a good wife" as you put it means you love him. I'm sure that's in part because he loves you. Everyone has good advice, I'm just here to say it sounds like you have what it takes to work things out.3
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It's not your duty to have sex with someone just because they want it, whether you're a good-wife, bad-wife or not-a-wife. Given it's having a fairly sizable impact on your day then surely it has to be rescheduled for a time that works for both of you. If he's not okay with that then there is definitely some other issues that need addressing.13
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Well it definitely looks like we've got some work to do. I have spoken to him about it in the past but it's always been taken lightly and pretty much laughed at. Kinda like it's a "good thing" I wake up cause I'm doing what needs to be done as a wife. Like "You are awesome!" type thing. Also, sometimes he says he noticed I looked peaceful in my sleep and he chose not to wake me. Like I should thank him or something. Yikes!
We do get a long really well & he's a great guy. I'm not just saying that either lol I see other relationships.
However, that is completely separate from this issue. I am sacrificing a lot here. I depend on coffee. I've known for a long time it affects me.
I am gonna talk to him again. It's been a while since I've seriously brought it up.
You all are great!!
I just want to say, in response to the bolded: yes, there are many disfunctional couples out there. That does not mean you don't deserve the best relationship for you.8 -
I've been married for 25 years. I long ago told my husband that if he wanted to get busy during the middle of the night go for it, but don't wake me up... meaning don't ask me to participate or expect me to "go" anywhere (meaning orgasm). It sounds awful, but I'm a heavy sleeper and do not do well being woken up. If it's right before I would normally wake up, that is usually ok. But right after I hit a deep sleep? No. We find that middle of the day/early evening nookie is better for everyone. I hope you guys find something that works for BOTH of you.4
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As a guy, I can state that most of us are pretty much idiots. Like most guys, we need to be hit over the head with things (sometimes more than once) for us to figure stuff out. Just tell him the truth. If he's halfway paying attention he'll get it. Maybe...
Not sure if this is a "go to counseling" moment unless there are other contributing factors or if you've already had the conversation repeatedly and he's not catching on, but as a husband I appreciate when my wife just tells me something straight up if she does or doesn't like something, whether its an intimate thing or just a day to day thing.
Just some thoughts. Hope it works out.14 -
tinkerbellang83 wrote: »littlegreenparrot1 wrote: »I am completely gobsmacked by this.
I would be so angry if I were woken up and expected to be up for this automatically. It would not go well.
This isn't the 19th century frankly, equal partners.
I consider myself to be a good wife and I expect him to be a good husband. That means not waking me up unless there are emergency circumstances.
I understand and agree that it should be communicated properly.
Although in practice my views would be expressed in very strong terms.
Agreed - if my partner did this he'd most likely find himself sleeping in the spare room, alone!
The whole "what needs be done as a wife" sounds like something from one of those horrible 50's How to be a good wife instructables.
That dynamic works in a lot of relationships. Just because it doesn't work for you doesn't mean it's simply outdated and obsolete.
Edit: I'm not saying you're inferring that, just observing.4 -
IronIsMyTherapy wrote: »tinkerbellang83 wrote: »littlegreenparrot1 wrote: »I am completely gobsmacked by this.
I would be so angry if I were woken up and expected to be up for this automatically. It would not go well.
This isn't the 19th century frankly, equal partners.
I consider myself to be a good wife and I expect him to be a good husband. That means not waking me up unless there are emergency circumstances.
I understand and agree that it should be communicated properly.
Although in practice my views would be expressed in very strong terms.
Agreed - if my partner did this he'd most likely find himself sleeping in the spare room, alone!
The whole "what needs be done as a wife" sounds like something from one of those horrible 50's How to be a good wife instructables.
That dynamic works in a lot of relationships. Just because it doesn't work for you doesn't mean it's simply outdated and obsolete.
The whole "I like my partner to be happy so I will do reasonable things that I know please them" thing never goes out of style.
The specific dynamic of "To be a good wife, I must be available to him at all times, regardless of the consequences to my health and enjoyment of life" IS outdated and obsolete.24 -
janejellyroll wrote: »IronIsMyTherapy wrote: »tinkerbellang83 wrote: »littlegreenparrot1 wrote: »I am completely gobsmacked by this.
I would be so angry if I were woken up and expected to be up for this automatically. It would not go well.
This isn't the 19th century frankly, equal partners.
I consider myself to be a good wife and I expect him to be a good husband. That means not waking me up unless there are emergency circumstances.
I understand and agree that it should be communicated properly.
Although in practice my views would be expressed in very strong terms.
Agreed - if my partner did this he'd most likely find himself sleeping in the spare room, alone!
The whole "what needs be done as a wife" sounds like something from one of those horrible 50's How to be a good wife instructables.
That dynamic works in a lot of relationships. Just because it doesn't work for you doesn't mean it's simply outdated and obsolete.
The whole "I like my partner to be happy so I will do reasonable things that I know please them" thing never goes out of style.
The specific dynamic of "To be a good wife, I must be available to him at all times, regardless of the consequences to my health and enjoyment of life" IS outdated and obsolete.
I dunno, I'm clearly not in a position to speak for women but I think that mindset still exists where the person actually enjoys filling that role.4 -
Just a friendly, preemptive reminder to keep your posts respectful and constructive. It's an interesting topic, but it may toe a bit into "divisive topics". Let's not allow things to overheat.
(Pun possibly intended, still haven't decided if it makes sense...)
-4legs
MFP volunteer moderator7 -
Sooooo...a lot has been said, assumed, and shared (thanks OP for the last part).
I'm also going to make a big assumption on this relationship which seems founded in traditional mores. Perhaps they are a church going couple or deep in the faith? I would even venture that there are sub/dom roles in the bedroom (not kink, guys, just approach and communication).
As such if it's not working for you, OP, I also think individual therapy (even with your pastor, if you are church goers) could be very empowering if submission is not really your thing anymore or you want to work on your ability to communicate boundaries/needs in the bedroom and beyond.15 -
Wow someone coming through whacking the disagree button in here!2
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IronIsMyTherapy wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »IronIsMyTherapy wrote: »tinkerbellang83 wrote: »littlegreenparrot1 wrote: »I am completely gobsmacked by this.
I would be so angry if I were woken up and expected to be up for this automatically. It would not go well.
This isn't the 19th century frankly, equal partners.
I consider myself to be a good wife and I expect him to be a good husband. That means not waking me up unless there are emergency circumstances.
I understand and agree that it should be communicated properly.
Although in practice my views would be expressed in very strong terms.
Agreed - if my partner did this he'd most likely find himself sleeping in the spare room, alone!
The whole "what needs be done as a wife" sounds like something from one of those horrible 50's How to be a good wife instructables.
That dynamic works in a lot of relationships. Just because it doesn't work for you doesn't mean it's simply outdated and obsolete.
The whole "I like my partner to be happy so I will do reasonable things that I know please them" thing never goes out of style.
The specific dynamic of "To be a good wife, I must be available to him at all times, regardless of the consequences to my health and enjoyment of life" IS outdated and obsolete.
I dunno, I'm clearly not in a position to speak for women but I think that mindset still exists where the person actually enjoys filling that role.
It clearly still exists. A woman may choose to forgo sleep to meet her husband's desires. But if that is coming from a place of feeling like her basic needs (like sleep) are unworthy of being met if they conflict with what he wants, that's not really a freely chosen way of living. It's coming from a very outdated and obsolete view of what men are entitled to and what women are worth. A woman can be a generous, loving, considerate, and fantastic spouse and still sometimes say "Not right now."
To be a "good wife" doesn't REQUIRE what OP is doing. That's what people are pointing out as the specifically obsolete way of thinking here. Because OP doesn't enjoy anything about this.12 -
Sooooo...a lot has been said, assumed, and shared (thanks OP for the last part).
I'm also going to make a big assumption on this relationship which seems founded in traditional mores. Perhaps they are a church going couple or deep in the faith? I would even venture that there are sub/dom roles in the bedroom (not kink, guys, just approach and communication).
As such if it's not working for you, OP, I also think individual therapy (even with your pastor, if you are church goers) could be very empowering if submission is not really your thing anymore or you want to work on your ability to communicate boundaries/needs in the bedroom and beyond.
Well said and I think this is probably what I meant. I've never been a female so I really can't comment but I do know that extreme (as in, to the point it seems at their own expense) submissiveness is something some thrive on.
Edit: Not trying to be divisive and I'm in over my head! Was simply observing we're all unique as to what drives us and what we enjoy.3 -
I think when it comes to relationships, every couple is different... you’re going to get 100 different opinions and “this is what works for my relationship” responses. I think 1 thing every couple can agree on is “communication is key.” Take the advice you think will help, leave the rest.
You said you’ve communicated this before and it’s been laughed off, that’s unfair to you. However, I’ll play a bit of Devil’s advocate here (prepared for the disagree button. Lol) and ask how was this addressed? Sex is an uncomfortable topic for MOST people to discuss, even with their partner. So sometimes the conversation takes a light-hearted, joking tone that can lead to misunderstanding the seriousness of the topic. I’m not saying this is a reason for your husband to brush you off, excuse his behavior, or just pat you on the head for being a “cool, good wife.” (I don’t know the full extent of previous conversations, so you could have been very serious- if that’s the case ignore me!) In my experience, sometimes we also have to look at how we are communicating something to others. If we bring up tough topics in a light-hearted manner, sometimes it’s easy for others to interpret that as it’s not so serious and it’s only a minor annoyance you can deal with. Difficult topics are hard to communicate, which can lead to communication break down and other undesirable behaviors and feelings can follow.
Intimacy is a topic I had to grow to be comfortable with and now it stays on the table with my partner. What works for me today, may not work for me in 6 months, so I have to revisit the conversation as frequently as necessary. I don’t expect him to be a mind reader, but I absolutely expect him to respect me and my boundaries.9 -
janejellyroll wrote: »IronIsMyTherapy wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »IronIsMyTherapy wrote: »tinkerbellang83 wrote: »littlegreenparrot1 wrote: »I am completely gobsmacked by this.
I would be so angry if I were woken up and expected to be up for this automatically. It would not go well.
This isn't the 19th century frankly, equal partners.
I consider myself to be a good wife and I expect him to be a good husband. That means not waking me up unless there are emergency circumstances.
I understand and agree that it should be communicated properly.
Although in practice my views would be expressed in very strong terms.
Agreed - if my partner did this he'd most likely find himself sleeping in the spare room, alone!
The whole "what needs be done as a wife" sounds like something from one of those horrible 50's How to be a good wife instructables.
That dynamic works in a lot of relationships. Just because it doesn't work for you doesn't mean it's simply outdated and obsolete.
The whole "I like my partner to be happy so I will do reasonable things that I know please them" thing never goes out of style.
The specific dynamic of "To be a good wife, I must be available to him at all times, regardless of the consequences to my health and enjoyment of life" IS outdated and obsolete.
I dunno, I'm clearly not in a position to speak for women but I think that mindset still exists where the person actually enjoys filling that role.
It clearly still exists. A woman may choose to forgo sleep to meet her husband's desires. But if that is coming from a place of feeling like her basic needs (like sleep) are unworthy of being met if they conflict with what he wants, that's not really a freely chosen way of living. It's coming from a very outdated and obsolete view of what men are entitled to and what women are worth. A woman can be a generous, loving, considerate, and fantastic spouse and still sometimes say "Not right now."
To be a "good wife" doesn't REQUIRE what OP is doing. That's what people are pointing out as the specifically obsolete way of thinking here. Because OP doesn't enjoy anything about this.
Hmm, makes sense. As in, the tipping point is her "choice" or lack thereof. I get it.11 -
Wow! I appreciate all your perspectives.
I posted this here since it is health related. As in sleep. Like I said, I've been super fit and also gained back,etc. but that sleep deprivation has the same negative effects on me. I've never spoken or written about it publicly before.
We are not religious and I don't consider myself to be 50sish 😄 I admit I am giving in though and not choosing myself 1st in this case. I also constantly put myself in his shoes & think about his needs/desires and it just steers me in the just wake up direction everyday. This is awful but I address in in the same way I do exercise. Just do it. Not to say we have a terrible intimate relationship. There are some outside of Crack of dawn days that I enjoy.
I will be talking to him. I'm now very curious to see what his response is!
10 -
Wow! I appreciate all your perspectives.
I posted this here since it is health related. As in sleep. Like I said, I've been super fit and also gained back,etc. but that sleep deprivation has the same negative effects on me. I've never spoken or written about it publicly before.
We are not religious and I don't consider myself to be 50sish 😄 I admit I am giving in though and not choosing myself 1st in this case. I also constantly put myself in his shoes & think about his needs/desires and it just steers me in the just wake up direction everyday. This is awful but I address in in the same way I do exercise. Just do it. Not to say we have a terrible intimate relationship. There are some outside of Crack of dawn days that I enjoy.
I will be talking to him. I'm now very curious to see what his response is!
I think you may need to reframe some of your thinking. I’m very much a “put myself in their shoes” person, but in this case I think you need to take yourself out of your husband’s shoes, because he isn't putting yours on. (From what I’m picking up that is from ignorance since he’s being enabled and not just because he’s a jerk). Your needs should also be considered, instead of just giving in because you know he has needs. His don’t trump yours. I also think you need to refrain from looking at it like exercise- just do it, (even if you don’t want to). Ultimately your choosing to exercise because it benefits your health, but choosing to meet your husband’s needs is negatively impacting it.
I will also encourage you to be VERY CLEAR in your boundaries when you have this conversation. You say you occasionally enjoy the pre-dawn romp, if/when this is brought up in the conversation be careful of a slippery slope. If you too generally say “well sometimes it’s okay” you leave that to your husband’s discretion. Really think about what works, doesn’t work, is negotiable, and is okay with you and your needs. Lay your own boundaries (and be open to some negotiation/compromise-within reason) and don’t leave it open to his interpretation of what he’s hearing. Again- the whole hit him over the head with it. Too much wiggle room and guessing may create a bigger headache.8 -
Try initiating the party on your schedule. Have fun with it...
If it doesn't work and you end up with double the pleasure seek help to work it out.3 -
This is very touchy but I worked with someone who ate apples and fruit because they were bored out of their minds. The spouse didn't even care.
You've got to fix this ASAP. You deserve better, pretty lady.
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