The Many Faces (selfie thread)
This is not going to be your typical selfie thread. A post that a friend made got me thinking about the many faces of mental illness that probably surround us daily but they’re (figuratively and also literally) masked. Or maybe we lack awareness of just how prevalent mental illness is so we don’t know how ‘normal’ and ‘happy’ it can look.
I’ve dealt with anxiety and depression for over a decade now and I tend to talk freely about it. My hope there is to help normalize it by increasing awareness of how prevalent it really is. I often encounter people who poo-poo depression as ‘millennials’ or ‘dramatic’ or ‘millennials being dramatic’, so I fear there’s a long ways to go. I have, however, found the people in this place to be extremely well-versed in the topic. Many have shared their struggles. I feel (dare I say it?) normal here.
So while this thread seems like a very disheartening one, I am hoping that it will help us all to increase our understanding of the many ways it presents. The people who participate here will do so knowing that they have nothing to prove other than what their own depression/anxiety/PTSD/ADHD/etc looks like. There is no narrative dictating how it must look. It’s whatever you share, plus your story if you choose to include it.
Thanks in advance for participating. I’ve made many threads before for which hitting ‘Post Discussion’ made me sweaty, but nothing tops this one.
I’ve dealt with anxiety and depression for over a decade now and I tend to talk freely about it. My hope there is to help normalize it by increasing awareness of how prevalent it really is. I often encounter people who poo-poo depression as ‘millennials’ or ‘dramatic’ or ‘millennials being dramatic’, so I fear there’s a long ways to go. I have, however, found the people in this place to be extremely well-versed in the topic. Many have shared their struggles. I feel (dare I say it?) normal here.
So while this thread seems like a very disheartening one, I am hoping that it will help us all to increase our understanding of the many ways it presents. The people who participate here will do so knowing that they have nothing to prove other than what their own depression/anxiety/PTSD/ADHD/etc looks like. There is no narrative dictating how it must look. It’s whatever you share, plus your story if you choose to include it.
Thanks in advance for participating. I’ve made many threads before for which hitting ‘Post Discussion’ made me sweaty, but nothing tops this one.
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Replies
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This pic was taken during my most severe depressive state. Lifetime anxiety sufferer, depression for ten years. I cropped my kids out but they’re the best part24 -
Just one more..
When I see this pic, all I remember is the uncontrollable anxiety roiling underneath
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Most of the women in my family suffer from depression. For me, that's pretty much all of the people I love most. I remember my mom telling me when I was young that she was going to try to cope with it differently than her mom had, that she was going to take medication. I'll always have her example in being brave enough to do it.7
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In a weird way, I hope this thread thrives. I find both insight and inspiration from this conversation @CacoEther (and I'm the one clicking those emojis) because you're right; the struggle is normal yet still needs to be better normalized.
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In a weird way, I hope this thread thrives. I find both insight and inspiration from this conversation @CacoEther (and I'm the one clicking those emojis) because you're right; the struggle is normal yet still needs to be better normalized.
I really hope to see more pics, otherwise this was just an embarrassing exercise 😅3 -
Just one more..
When I see this pic, all I remember is the uncontrollable anxiety roiling underneath
Your pic and explanation perfectly illustrate one of my favourite mantras: Don't judge your insides by another person's outsides. What we see publicly displayed may not be a reflection of what is going on within.
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Great thread idea, I used these 4 pictures and will put the descriptions in the spoiler because its Long 😅😆Great thread idea ❤
I've suffered from depression and anxiety my whole life but my lowest started 3 years ago
1st pic = Severe anxiety, pushing everyone i loved away because I thought everyone was better without me and I didn't want to get hurt so I hurt others instead. Suicidal thoughts, began drinking to forget how to feel. Did things that I still regret to this day.
2nd Picture: Was hit with the tragic news that after removing a stage 1 cancer and thinking it was over... it came back with a vengance. Stage 3 Breast Cancer that was spread in my Lymphnodes. I knew I had a big fight ahead of me that would also make me lose body parts, my hair.. to top it all off I found out I was carrying a BRCA gene which increased my chances of getting other cancers too so that meant even more surgeries just so I could prevent them. Prognosis wasn't that great. I hit the lowest of low.
3rd Picture : I was tired, had started aggressive chemo for 8 months and that nearly stripped me to zero. I still tried to put my brave face on but it was hard, bad news after bad news but couldn't give up. my kids needed me but so many days I just wanted to stop everything. My kids were my whole reason to stay alive.
4th picture : 9 months in remission. After being on fight mode for so long, I've been suffering from severe PTSD but you know what? I'm the happiest I've ever been because I see life in a different light and I refuse to not do everything it takes to be as healthy as I can be, counseling, healthy diet, no alcohol. I wish I could have seen how precious it was to be alive 3 years ago. I'm not the same person but I feel more like myself than I ever have. My 10 year survival rate isn't what I wished it would be but you know what? It's ok because I'm here now and I'm going to do every damn things it takes to stay healthy. I deserve that
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Miss_Chiev0us_ wrote: »Great thread idea, I used these 4 pictures and will put the descriptions in the spoiler because its Long 😅😆Great thread idea ❤
I've suffered from depression and anxiety my whole life but my lowest started 3 years ago
1st pic = Severe anxiety, pushing everyone i loved away because I thought everyone was better without me and I didn't want to get hurt so I hurt others instead. Suicidal thoughts, began drinking to forget how to feel. Did things that I still regret to this day.
2nd Picture: Was hit with the tragic news that after removing a stage 1 cancer and thinking it was over... it came back with a vengance. Stage 3 Breast Cancer that was spread in my Lymphnodes. I knew I had a big fight ahead of me that would also make me lose body parts, my hair.. to top it all off I found out I was carrying a BRCA gene which increased my chances of getting other cancers too so that meant even more surgeries just so I could prevent them. Prognosis wasn't that great. I hit the lowest of low.
3rd Picture : I was tired, had started aggressive chemo for 8 months and that nearly stripped me to zero. I still tried to put my brave face on but it was hard, bad news after bad news but couldn't give up. my kids needed me but so many days I just wanted to stop everything. My kids were my whole reason to stay alive.
4th picture : 9 months in remission. After being on fight mode for so long, I've been suffering from severe PTSD but you know what? I'm the happiest I've ever been because I see life in a different light and I refuse to not do everything it takes to be as healthy as I can be, counseling, healthy diet, no alcohol. I wish I could have seen how precious it was to be alive 3 years ago. I'm not the same person but I feel more like myself than I ever have. My 10 year survival rate isn't what I wished it would be but you know what? It's ok because I'm here now and I'm going to do every damn things it takes to stay healthy. I deserve that
You are one of the most inspiring people I’ve ever wished to meet.10 -
Deadman_Diggingup wrote: »Miss_Chiev0us_ wrote: »Great thread idea, I used these 4 pictures and will put the descriptions in the spoiler because its Long 😅😆Great thread idea ❤
I've suffered from depression and anxiety my whole life but my lowest started 3 years ago
1st pic = Severe anxiety, pushing everyone i loved away because I thought everyone was better without me and I didn't want to get hurt so I hurt others instead. Suicidal thoughts, began drinking to forget how to feel. Did things that I still regret to this day.
2nd Picture: Was hit with the tragic news that after removing a stage 1 cancer and thinking it was over... it came back with a vengance. Stage 3 Breast Cancer that was spread in my Lymphnodes. I knew I had a big fight ahead of me that would also make me lose body parts, my hair.. to top it all off I found out I was carrying a BRCA gene which increased my chances of getting other cancers too so that meant even more surgeries just so I could prevent them. Prognosis wasn't that great. I hit the lowest of low.
3rd Picture : I was tired, had started aggressive chemo for 8 months and that nearly stripped me to zero. I still tried to put my brave face on but it was hard, bad news after bad news but couldn't give up. my kids needed me but so many days I just wanted to stop everything. My kids were my whole reason to stay alive.
4th picture : 9 months in remission. After being on fight mode for so long, I've been suffering from severe PTSD but you know what? I'm the happiest I've ever been because I see life in a different light and I refuse to not do everything it takes to be as healthy as I can be, counseling, healthy diet, no alcohol. I wish I could have seen how precious it was to be alive 3 years ago. I'm not the same person but I feel more like myself than I ever have. My 10 year survival rate isn't what I wished it would be but you know what? It's ok because I'm here now and I'm going to do every damn things it takes to stay healthy. I deserve that
You are one of the most inspiring people I’ve ever wished to meet.
Thank you ❤ I used to be afraid to speak about it especially in here in these forums where I've been accused of faking my illness and I've gotten so much hate while I was suffering. Probably one of the reasons I've left so often and came back. Today tho.. I am gona continue to share my story because I know there's some people out there going through hard times that need to see that it's not always dark. Life has given me a second chance and I choose kindness and helping others because we never know who needs it.16 -
Miss_Chiev0us_ wrote: »Deadman_Diggingup wrote: »Miss_Chiev0us_ wrote: »Great thread idea, I used these 4 pictures and will put the descriptions in the spoiler because its Long 😅😆Great thread idea ❤
I've suffered from depression and anxiety my whole life but my lowest started 3 years ago
1st pic = Severe anxiety, pushing everyone i loved away because I thought everyone was better without me and I didn't want to get hurt so I hurt others instead. Suicidal thoughts, began drinking to forget how to feel. Did things that I still regret to this day.
2nd Picture: Was hit with the tragic news that after removing a stage 1 cancer and thinking it was over... it came back with a vengance. Stage 3 Breast Cancer that was spread in my Lymphnodes. I knew I had a big fight ahead of me that would also make me lose body parts, my hair.. to top it all off I found out I was carrying a BRCA gene which increased my chances of getting other cancers too so that meant even more surgeries just so I could prevent them. Prognosis wasn't that great. I hit the lowest of low.
3rd Picture : I was tired, had started aggressive chemo for 8 months and that nearly stripped me to zero. I still tried to put my brave face on but it was hard, bad news after bad news but couldn't give up. my kids needed me but so many days I just wanted to stop everything. My kids were my whole reason to stay alive.
4th picture : 9 months in remission. After being on fight mode for so long, I've been suffering from severe PTSD but you know what? I'm the happiest I've ever been because I see life in a different light and I refuse to not do everything it takes to be as healthy as I can be, counseling, healthy diet, no alcohol. I wish I could have seen how precious it was to be alive 3 years ago. I'm not the same person but I feel more like myself than I ever have. My 10 year survival rate isn't what I wished it would be but you know what? It's ok because I'm here now and I'm going to do every damn things it takes to stay healthy. I deserve that
You are one of the most inspiring people I’ve ever wished to meet.
Thank you ❤ I used to be afraid to speak about it especially in here in these forums where I've been accused of faking my illness and I've gotten so much hate while I was suffering. Probably one of the reasons I've left so often and came back. Today tho.. I am gona continue to share my story because I know there's some people out there going through hard times that need to see that it's not always dark. Life has given me a second chance and I choose kindness and helping others because we never know who needs it.
I am sure I am not the only one to appreciate your honesty in the lessons you’ve learned through suffering. Thank you.8 -
I dont like to share much these days but wanted to show support for everyone here who has been brave and shared their story.
This picture, taken last June, is bittersweet for me. I was so ecstatically happy that day. I felt on top of the world. Which was amazing because I'd pulled myself up from rock bottom the year before. By the end of the next day I was broken again and I dont know that I've been unbroken since.
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Miss_Chiev0us_ wrote: »Great thread idea, I used these 4 pictures and will put the descriptions in the spoiler because its Long 😅😆Great thread idea ❤
I've suffered from depression and anxiety my whole life but my lowest started 3 years ago
1st pic = Severe anxiety, pushing everyone i loved away because I thought everyone was better without me and I didn't want to get hurt so I hurt others instead. Suicidal thoughts, began drinking to forget how to feel. Did things that I still regret to this day.
2nd Picture: Was hit with the tragic news that after removing a stage 1 cancer and thinking it was over... it came back with a vengance. Stage 3 Breast Cancer that was spread in my Lymphnodes. I knew I had a big fight ahead of me that would also make me lose body parts, my hair.. to top it all off I found out I was carrying a BRCA gene which increased my chances of getting other cancers too so that meant even more surgeries just so I could prevent them. Prognosis wasn't that great. I hit the lowest of low.
3rd Picture : I was tired, had started aggressive chemo for 8 months and that nearly stripped me to zero. I still tried to put my brave face on but it was hard, bad news after bad news but couldn't give up. my kids needed me but so many days I just wanted to stop everything. My kids were my whole reason to stay alive.
4th picture : 9 months in remission. After being on fight mode for so long, I've been suffering from severe PTSD but you know what? I'm the happiest I've ever been because I see life in a different light and I refuse to not do everything it takes to be as healthy as I can be, counseling, healthy diet, no alcohol. I wish I could have seen how precious it was to be alive 3 years ago. I'm not the same person but I feel more like myself than I ever have. My 10 year survival rate isn't what I wished it would be but you know what? It's ok because I'm here now and I'm going to do every damn things it takes to stay healthy. I deserve that
You are amazing T, truly ❤3 -
Miss_Chiev0us_ wrote: »Great thread idea, I used these 4 pictures and will put the descriptions in the spoiler because its Long 😅😆Great thread idea ❤
I've suffered from depression and anxiety my whole life but my lowest started 3 years ago
1st pic = Severe anxiety, pushing everyone i loved away because I thought everyone was better without me and I didn't want to get hurt so I hurt others instead. Suicidal thoughts, began drinking to forget how to feel. Did things that I still regret to this day.
2nd Picture: Was hit with the tragic news that after removing a stage 1 cancer and thinking it was over... it came back with a vengance. Stage 3 Breast Cancer that was spread in my Lymphnodes. I knew I had a big fight ahead of me that would also make me lose body parts, my hair.. to top it all off I found out I was carrying a BRCA gene which increased my chances of getting other cancers too so that meant even more surgeries just so I could prevent them. Prognosis wasn't that great. I hit the lowest of low.
3rd Picture : I was tired, had started aggressive chemo for 8 months and that nearly stripped me to zero. I still tried to put my brave face on but it was hard, bad news after bad news but couldn't give up. my kids needed me but so many days I just wanted to stop everything. My kids were my whole reason to stay alive.
4th picture : 9 months in remission. After being on fight mode for so long, I've been suffering from severe PTSD but you know what? I'm the happiest I've ever been because I see life in a different light and I refuse to not do everything it takes to be as healthy as I can be, counseling, healthy diet, no alcohol. I wish I could have seen how precious it was to be alive 3 years ago. I'm not the same person but I feel more like myself than I ever have. My 10 year survival rate isn't what I wished it would be but you know what? It's ok because I'm here now and I'm going to do every damn things it takes to stay healthy. I deserve that
I have mad respect for you, lady.
Really that applies to all of you who have shared here, and grown and persevered through struggles that I can't even imagine.
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Sending love to you all from the bottom of my heart ❤ this thread shows how it's so important to be kind to others because you really never know what someone is going through. Just because someone carries it well it doesn't mean it's not heavy...no matter what it is. What can seem to be so small to someone can be really heavy for another and it doesn't make it less important. I've been very observant of peoples behavior in the last year (including mine) and I am so grateful when people who don't know me are being nice to me, a smile, to open the door for me, just being good human! I wish everyone would be that.. I know I want to be that. You never know a person's struggles.8
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Now all my eyes are wet. Thanks for sharing, girls. I appreciate you all for opening up. ❤️6
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It's so easy to see the person on the outside and think 'they've got it made' or 'it must be so easy for them'. I've learned people always have a story to tell and all you have to do is listen, open your mind and heart. Not everybody is as happy and carefree as they appear to be. Every day can be a struggle to just get out of bed or make a phone call to a friend. I'm a lot better now, partly due to meds. and also retirement. My job was so high stress and demanding. The older I got the harder it was to do it every day. I saw no end to that dark tunnel. Then dh moved back in and gave me the gift of retirement. I still have my days where unhappiness seeps in the cracks of my mind, where what I want from life doesn't coincide at all with where I am in life. But for the most part, I do more of what makes me happy, helping my sister, keeping a few special places in my world cleaned up, enjoying nature, spending time with my dogs. IOW taking care of me. And that can be a hard thing to do for yourself when depression and anxiety kicks in because all the energy gets drained out.
All the things above said hold such truth. You all amaze me with your strength and courage. Laughter is especially important and I look to this place every day, to fulfill that for me. It helps me to escape for short moments and that helps keep me sane.
You all deserve the best out of life.
And @Miss_Chiev0us I'm so damn glad you're back.
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@lisamestiza2021 You are one gorgeous lady.
The most important thing is you get healthy and stay healthy, whatever it takes. It must be hard to grab onto hope when you're not feeling it.
{HUGS} and may you find hope again soon! 3 -
Kashmir_314_ wrote: »
I chose this pic because I was genuinely happy in this moment. Happiness is fleeting, much like most emotions.
Cancer, anxiety, depression and eating disorders have plagued my existence. Years of therapy have provided me with many coping mechanisms, but they only help me to get through the moment....they don't "fix" me, that is my job.
I no longer blame my parents for my issues, after all, they were damaged by their own parents. I'm also a grown up and there comes a time when pointing the finger is senseless if I'm doing nothing to work on myself.
I throw myself into my work. My job is caring for others, and what better way to feel good about myself than to give?
Am I ok? Absolutely! Can I be better? Always. I'm a work in progress, but I'm proud of how far I've come.
To those of you that struggle - don't give up. Fight the fight! You're worth the effort. 💕
oh the parental damage done - i hear you on that. it took me years to get over that bump in the road. your resilience and strength over all you've over come is inspirational. you're all that - and then some, M 4 -
@ReenieHJ . thank you so much kind Lady. you are always so uplifting to everyone. 3
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Miss_Chiev0us_ wrote: »Deadman_Diggingup wrote: »Miss_Chiev0us_ wrote: »Great thread idea, I used these 4 pictures and will put the descriptions in the spoiler because its Long 😅😆Great thread idea ❤
I've suffered from depression and anxiety my whole life but my lowest started 3 years ago
1st pic = Severe anxiety, pushing everyone i loved away because I thought everyone was better without me and I didn't want to get hurt so I hurt others instead. Suicidal thoughts, began drinking to forget how to feel. Did things that I still regret to this day.
2nd Picture: Was hit with the tragic news that after removing a stage 1 cancer and thinking it was over... it came back with a vengance. Stage 3 Breast Cancer that was spread in my Lymphnodes. I knew I had a big fight ahead of me that would also make me lose body parts, my hair.. to top it all off I found out I was carrying a BRCA gene which increased my chances of getting other cancers too so that meant even more surgeries just so I could prevent them. Prognosis wasn't that great. I hit the lowest of low.
3rd Picture : I was tired, had started aggressive chemo for 8 months and that nearly stripped me to zero. I still tried to put my brave face on but it was hard, bad news after bad news but couldn't give up. my kids needed me but so many days I just wanted to stop everything. My kids were my whole reason to stay alive.
4th picture : 9 months in remission. After being on fight mode for so long, I've been suffering from severe PTSD but you know what? I'm the happiest I've ever been because I see life in a different light and I refuse to not do everything it takes to be as healthy as I can be, counseling, healthy diet, no alcohol. I wish I could have seen how precious it was to be alive 3 years ago. I'm not the same person but I feel more like myself than I ever have. My 10 year survival rate isn't what I wished it would be but you know what? It's ok because I'm here now and I'm going to do every damn things it takes to stay healthy. I deserve that
You are one of the most inspiring people I’ve ever wished to meet.
Thank you ❤ I used to be afraid to speak about it especially in here in these forums where I've been accused of faking my illness and I've gotten so much hate while I was suffering. Probably one of the reasons I've left so often and came back. Today tho.. I am gona continue to share my story because I know there's some people out there going through hard times that need to see that it's not always dark. Life has given me a second chance and I choose kindness and helping others because we never know who needs it.
I wish I could edit this because I feel like I have made it look like I was getting hate in here for nothing. Yes, some of it was for nothing from people who have never even spoken to me, some of it really hurt me because I was at my lowest and I couldn't believe that some people were so cruel to laugh at my illness when I was struggling to stay alive but with that said... I am far from perfect and I have hurt some people too and I definitely have not always been nice. When I think of myself back then, it brings tears to my eyes because I was not a happy person and that made me ugly on the inside with people I truely cared about. I have no hard feelings for those people, none of them.8 -
This thread is amazing as are all of you.
Just amazing.4 -
I actually like this picture. I don’t keep photos I associate directly with bad times. I’ve been someone who’s always suffered with crippling anxiety and depression. There was never a time that I felt happy and safe and what I’d view as ‘normal’.
I chose this picture since this stage of my mid twenties and bad coping was the time period that I’m most ashamed of. Sex, drugs and rock n’roll as it were.
It got real long, 🤷🏻♀️I’m still embarrassed when I visit my hometown because of the way I was living back then. How I didn’t end up in someone’s basement or a ditch is beyond me.
I was trying to party myself into the ground because I never saw a future for myself. Bad home life. I was surprised to make it to 18 and even now, the thought of aging and making plans for the future still blows my mind. The rock bottoms I’ve slithered out of is outright miraculous tbh.
I was stoned every day, all day. I was getting blackout drunk often. I was ‘hanging out’ with strangers regularly. Anything that could take me out of my head for a while was my only goal.
I rebelled so hard from my holier than thou, well behaved prudish, rule following previous self. I didn’t want any part of responsibility. It felt like heavy chains, like a trap. I had been a mom my whole childhood (to my siblings) and I couldn’t be ‘responsible’ anymore. I didn’t want to take care of anyone or even myself.
This time period was right after a major breakup with the guy I thought I was going to marry and have kids with. I felt like everything was ruined so why not? True love didn’t exist and that ‘finding true love and happily ever after’ was the last dream I was holding onto as naive as it was.
It kind of turned out that after a while, none of it was fun or even exciting anymore. It was just sad, the people I partied with were sad. Tensions were running high at home and I was paranoid that my brother was going to harm me so I ran away with someone safe to the next state.
Normally I think people want their family to know where they are but I felt so safe and like I could breath again living in a small country house with some nice guy and nobody could reach me. I still had things to work through but I was sober and safe for once. (I was never an addict btw, just throwing that out there bc it sounds that way. The fun grass kept me from that path being non addictive and all.) I had to figure out how to be a normal person and it’s years later but I feel closer than ever to that.
I want things now and feel like I deserve better. I want to do good again. Help animals and maybe people like me. Ready to take care of my own (hopefully in future) kids. Ready for the chains, no, commitment to the goals I have. Breaking generational curses and trying to believe in a normal, happy and safe life as an option for me. I no longer feel like I should punish myself and go without. I matter. I’m caring and being soft is not a weakness. Being reckless isn’t bad@ss. I’m fully capable of success. And ya, I don’t need man (or anyone) taking care of me.
If people want to judge me for being open then so be it I suppose.17 -
Yoshiboobs wrote: »
I actually like this picture. I don’t keep photos I associate directly with bad times. I’ve been someone who’s always suffered with crippling anxiety and depression. There was never a time that I felt happy and safe and what I’d view as ‘normal’.
I chose this picture since this stage of my mid twenties and bad coping was the time period that I’m most ashamed of. Sex, drugs and rock n’roll as it were.
It got real long, 🤷🏻♀️I’m still embarrassed when I visit my hometown because of the way I was living back then. How I didn’t end up in someone’s basement or a ditch is beyond me.
I was trying to party myself into the ground because I never saw a future for myself. Bad home life. I was surprised to make it to 18 and even now, the thought of aging and making plans for the future still blows my mind. The rock bottoms I’ve slithered out of is outright miraculous tbh.
I was stoned every day, all day. I was getting blackout drunk often. I was ‘hanging out’ with strangers regularly. Anything that could take me out of my head for a while was my only goal.
I rebelled so hard from my holier than thou, well behaved prudish, rule following previous self. I didn’t want any part of responsibility. It felt like heavy chains, like a trap. I had been a mom my whole childhood (to my siblings) and I couldn’t be ‘responsible’ anymore. I didn’t want to take care of anyone or even myself.
This time period was right after a major breakup with the guy I thought I was going to marry and have kids with. I felt like everything was ruined so why not? True love didn’t exist and that ‘finding true love and happily ever after’ was the last dream I was holding onto as naive as it was.
It kind of turned out that after a while, none of it was fun or even exciting anymore. It was just sad, the people I partied with were sad. Tensions were running high at home and I was paranoid that my brother was going to harm me so I ran away with someone safe to the next state.
Normally I think people want their family to know where they are but I felt so safe and like I could breath again living in a small country house with some nice guy and nobody could reach me. I still had things to work through but I was sober and safe for once. (I was never an addict btw, just throwing that out there bc it sounds that way. The fun grass kept me from that path being non addictive and all.) I had to figure out how to be a normal person and it’s years later but I feel closer than ever to that.
I want things now and feel like I deserve better. I want to do good again. Help animals and maybe people like me. Ready to take care of my own (hopefully in future) kids. Ready for the chains, no, commitment to the goals I have. Breaking generational curses and trying to believe in a normal, happy and safe life as an option for me. I no longer feel like I should punish myself and go without. I matter. I’m caring and being soft is not a weakness. Being reckless isn’t bad@ss. I’m fully capable of success. And ya, I don’t need man (or anyone) taking care of me.
If people want to judge me for being open then so be it I suppose.
♥️0 -
Yoshiboobs wrote: »
I actually like this picture. I don’t keep photos I associate directly with bad times. I’ve been someone who’s always suffered with crippling anxiety and depression. There was never a time that I felt happy and safe and what I’d view as ‘normal’.
I chose this picture since this stage of my mid twenties and bad coping was the time period that I’m most ashamed of. Sex, drugs and rock n’roll as it were.
It got real long, 🤷🏻♀️I’m still embarrassed when I visit my hometown because of the way I was living back then. How I didn’t end up in someone’s basement or a ditch is beyond me.
I was trying to party myself into the ground because I never saw a future for myself. Bad home life. I was surprised to make it to 18 and even now, the thought of aging and making plans for the future still blows my mind. The rock bottoms I’ve slithered out of is outright miraculous tbh.
I was stoned every day, all day. I was getting blackout drunk often. I was ‘hanging out’ with strangers regularly. Anything that could take me out of my head for a while was my only goal.
I rebelled so hard from my holier than thou, well behaved prudish, rule following previous self. I didn’t want any part of responsibility. It felt like heavy chains, like a trap. I had been a mom my whole childhood (to my siblings) and I couldn’t be ‘responsible’ anymore. I didn’t want to take care of anyone or even myself.
This time period was right after a major breakup with the guy I thought I was going to marry and have kids with. I felt like everything was ruined so why not? True love didn’t exist and that ‘finding true love and happily ever after’ was the last dream I was holding onto as naive as it was.
It kind of turned out that after a while, none of it was fun or even exciting anymore. It was just sad, the people I partied with were sad. Tensions were running high at home and I was paranoid that my brother was going to harm me so I ran away with someone safe to the next state.
Normally I think people want their family to know where they are but I felt so safe and like I could breath again living in a small country house with some nice guy and nobody could reach me. I still had things to work through but I was sober and safe for once. (I was never an addict btw, just throwing that out there bc it sounds that way. The fun grass kept me from that path being non addictive and all.) I had to figure out how to be a normal person and it’s years later but I feel closer than ever to that.
I want things now and feel like I deserve better. I want to do good again. Help animals and maybe people like me. Ready to take care of my own (hopefully in future) kids. Ready for the chains, no, commitment to the goals I have. Breaking generational curses and trying to believe in a normal, happy and safe life as an option for me. I no longer feel like I should punish myself and go without. I matter. I’m caring and being soft is not a weakness. Being reckless isn’t bad@ss. I’m fully capable of success. And ya, I don’t need man (or anyone) taking care of me.
If people want to judge me for being open then so be it I suppose.
i remember the 20's - more like sex booze and rock and roll back then for me...
i think many of us went through equivalent in one way or another. generational trauma is a *kitten* to go through. i hope it doesn't take you as long as it took me.
the best is yet to come, lovely. it's your time to shine. i love your colorful photos and i like your soul.3 -
Yoshiboobs wrote: »
I actually like this picture. I don’t keep photos I associate directly with bad times. I’ve been someone who’s always suffered with crippling anxiety and depression. There was never a time that I felt happy and safe and what I’d view as ‘normal’.
I chose this picture since this stage of my mid twenties and bad coping was the time period that I’m most ashamed of. Sex, drugs and rock n’roll as it were.
It got real long, 🤷🏻♀️I’m still embarrassed when I visit my hometown because of the way I was living back then. How I didn’t end up in someone’s basement or a ditch is beyond me.
I was trying to party myself into the ground because I never saw a future for myself. Bad home life. I was surprised to make it to 18 and even now, the thought of aging and making plans for the future still blows my mind. The rock bottoms I’ve slithered out of is outright miraculous tbh.
I was stoned every day, all day. I was getting blackout drunk often. I was ‘hanging out’ with strangers regularly. Anything that could take me out of my head for a while was my only goal.
I rebelled so hard from my holier than thou, well behaved prudish, rule following previous self. I didn’t want any part of responsibility. It felt like heavy chains, like a trap. I had been a mom my whole childhood (to my siblings) and I couldn’t be ‘responsible’ anymore. I didn’t want to take care of anyone or even myself.
This time period was right after a major breakup with the guy I thought I was going to marry and have kids with. I felt like everything was ruined so why not? True love didn’t exist and that ‘finding true love and happily ever after’ was the last dream I was holding onto as naive as it was.
It kind of turned out that after a while, none of it was fun or even exciting anymore. It was just sad, the people I partied with were sad. Tensions were running high at home and I was paranoid that my brother was going to harm me so I ran away with someone safe to the next state.
Normally I think people want their family to know where they are but I felt so safe and like I could breath again living in a small country house with some nice guy and nobody could reach me. I still had things to work through but I was sober and safe for once. (I was never an addict btw, just throwing that out there bc it sounds that way. The fun grass kept me from that path being non addictive and all.) I had to figure out how to be a normal person and it’s years later but I feel closer than ever to that.
I want things now and feel like I deserve better. I want to do good again. Help animals and maybe people like me. Ready to take care of my own (hopefully in future) kids. Ready for the chains, no, commitment to the goals I have. Breaking generational curses and trying to believe in a normal, happy and safe life as an option for me. I no longer feel like I should punish myself and go without. I matter. I’m caring and being soft is not a weakness. Being reckless isn’t bad@ss. I’m fully capable of success. And ya, I don’t need man (or anyone) taking care of me.
If people want to judge me for being open then so be it I suppose.
Look at that beautiful smile. With a mindset like that you will reach for the stars ❤4 -
Yoshiboobs wrote: »
I actually like this picture. I don’t keep photos I associate directly with bad times. I’ve been someone who’s always suffered with crippling anxiety and depression. There was never a time that I felt happy and safe and what I’d view as ‘normal’.
I chose this picture since this stage of my mid twenties and bad coping was the time period that I’m most ashamed of. Sex, drugs and rock n’roll as it were.
It got real long, 🤷🏻♀️I’m still embarrassed when I visit my hometown because of the way I was living back then. How I didn’t end up in someone’s basement or a ditch is beyond me.
I was trying to party myself into the ground because I never saw a future for myself. Bad home life. I was surprised to make it to 18 and even now, the thought of aging and making plans for the future still blows my mind. The rock bottoms I’ve slithered out of is outright miraculous tbh.
I was stoned every day, all day. I was getting blackout drunk often. I was ‘hanging out’ with strangers regularly. Anything that could take me out of my head for a while was my only goal.
I rebelled so hard from my holier than thou, well behaved prudish, rule following previous self. I didn’t want any part of responsibility. It felt like heavy chains, like a trap. I had been a mom my whole childhood (to my siblings) and I couldn’t be ‘responsible’ anymore. I didn’t want to take care of anyone or even myself.
This time period was right after a major breakup with the guy I thought I was going to marry and have kids with. I felt like everything was ruined so why not? True love didn’t exist and that ‘finding true love and happily ever after’ was the last dream I was holding onto as naive as it was.
It kind of turned out that after a while, none of it was fun or even exciting anymore. It was just sad, the people I partied with were sad. Tensions were running high at home and I was paranoid that my brother was going to harm me so I ran away with someone safe to the next state.
Normally I think people want their family to know where they are but I felt so safe and like I could breath again living in a small country house with some nice guy and nobody could reach me. I still had things to work through but I was sober and safe for once. (I was never an addict btw, just throwing that out there bc it sounds that way. The fun grass kept me from that path being non addictive and all.) I had to figure out how to be a normal person and it’s years later but I feel closer than ever to that.
I want things now and feel like I deserve better. I want to do good again. Help animals and maybe people like me. Ready to take care of my own (hopefully in future) kids. Ready for the chains, no, commitment to the goals I have. Breaking generational curses and trying to believe in a normal, happy and safe life as an option for me. I no longer feel like I should punish myself and go without. I matter. I’m caring and being soft is not a weakness. Being reckless isn’t bad@ss. I’m fully capable of success. And ya, I don’t need man (or anyone) taking care of me.
If people want to judge me for being open then so be it I suppose.
You’ve always been mysterious to me so this is incredible to learn. Thank you for sharing.2 -
Yoshiboobs wrote: »
I actually like this picture. I don’t keep photos I associate directly with bad times. I’ve been someone who’s always suffered with crippling anxiety and depression. There was never a time that I felt happy and safe and what I’d view as ‘normal’.
I chose this picture since this stage of my mid twenties and bad coping was the time period that I’m most ashamed of. Sex, drugs and rock n’roll as it were.
It got real long, 🤷🏻♀️I’m still embarrassed when I visit my hometown because of the way I was living back then. How I didn’t end up in someone’s basement or a ditch is beyond me.
I was trying to party myself into the ground because I never saw a future for myself. Bad home life. I was surprised to make it to 18 and even now, the thought of aging and making plans for the future still blows my mind. The rock bottoms I’ve slithered out of is outright miraculous tbh.
I was stoned every day, all day. I was getting blackout drunk often. I was ‘hanging out’ with strangers regularly. Anything that could take me out of my head for a while was my only goal.
I rebelled so hard from my holier than thou, well behaved prudish, rule following previous self. I didn’t want any part of responsibility. It felt like heavy chains, like a trap. I had been a mom my whole childhood (to my siblings) and I couldn’t be ‘responsible’ anymore. I didn’t want to take care of anyone or even myself.
This time period was right after a major breakup with the guy I thought I was going to marry and have kids with. I felt like everything was ruined so why not? True love didn’t exist and that ‘finding true love and happily ever after’ was the last dream I was holding onto as naive as it was.
It kind of turned out that after a while, none of it was fun or even exciting anymore. It was just sad, the people I partied with were sad. Tensions were running high at home and I was paranoid that my brother was going to harm me so I ran away with someone safe to the next state.
Normally I think people want their family to know where they are but I felt so safe and like I could breath again living in a small country house with some nice guy and nobody could reach me. I still had things to work through but I was sober and safe for once. (I was never an addict btw, just throwing that out there bc it sounds that way. The fun grass kept me from that path being non addictive and all.) I had to figure out how to be a normal person and it’s years later but I feel closer than ever to that.
I want things now and feel like I deserve better. I want to do good again. Help animals and maybe people like me. Ready to take care of my own (hopefully in future) kids. Ready for the chains, no, commitment to the goals I have. Breaking generational curses and trying to believe in a normal, happy and safe life as an option for me. I no longer feel like I should punish myself and go without. I matter. I’m caring and being soft is not a weakness. Being reckless isn’t bad@ss. I’m fully capable of success. And ya, I don’t need man (or anyone) taking care of me.
If people want to judge me for being open then so be it I suppose.
Thank you for sharing.
Our beginnings sound rather similar.1 -
It’s not lost on me that only women have shared pics/stories here. Is the stigma worse for men? Or is it just this particular venue3
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