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Relationship Compatibility
Ddsb11
Posts: 607 Member
A little background information-
I’m a Caucasian, blonde, blue eyed female, American. My husband is Asian, has dark features, about my height, close to my weight, and his family fled the Khmer Rouge (he is 1st generation American). We are both in our early 30’s.
In another thread it was commented that marrying your race and culture creates more compatibility. Another poster said race is just aesthetics and that proximity, as well as personality, are what make relationships compatible. I didn’t want to derail the thread so thought it would be an interesting topic to discuss, as I myself am in an interracial marriage.
I have found people have incredibly strong opinions about what they think makes a relationship compatible, and we are subject to comments and questions nearly everyday about our relationship. Mostly it’s when my husband is at the hospital and shows a picture of us, his associates are astounded I’m a blonde white female.
Because of him I have learned about the world of prearranged marriages, and how common they still are. I’ve learned many new customs, food preparations, and 2 new languages. But in no way did I feel these differences meant we weren’t compatible. It was our outlook on life that deciphered that.
Any thoughts and personal experiences? The more I dive into this the more I realize there is a world of belief systems that are being passed down, and I’d like to know what they are and why you believe them.
I’m a Caucasian, blonde, blue eyed female, American. My husband is Asian, has dark features, about my height, close to my weight, and his family fled the Khmer Rouge (he is 1st generation American). We are both in our early 30’s.
In another thread it was commented that marrying your race and culture creates more compatibility. Another poster said race is just aesthetics and that proximity, as well as personality, are what make relationships compatible. I didn’t want to derail the thread so thought it would be an interesting topic to discuss, as I myself am in an interracial marriage.
I have found people have incredibly strong opinions about what they think makes a relationship compatible, and we are subject to comments and questions nearly everyday about our relationship. Mostly it’s when my husband is at the hospital and shows a picture of us, his associates are astounded I’m a blonde white female.
Because of him I have learned about the world of prearranged marriages, and how common they still are. I’ve learned many new customs, food preparations, and 2 new languages. But in no way did I feel these differences meant we weren’t compatible. It was our outlook on life that deciphered that.
Any thoughts and personal experiences? The more I dive into this the more I realize there is a world of belief systems that are being passed down, and I’d like to know what they are and why you believe them.
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Replies
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It's the environment the two of you are in, I suppose. I've dated interacially, cross-culturally and inter-religiously (sic?) my entire life. But then again, I've lived in diversified urban cities my entire life too.
If there were comments from others, I either didn't hear them or didn't pay attention 🤷🏿♀️
Personally, I think having a sense of open-mindedness is one way to learn about the world and your place within it.
Lastly, I've yet to be convinced attraction is bound by one kind of similarity (ie. we have to look alike, or pray to the same Dude In the Ether, or be deeply familiar/invested with one another's cultural history and heritage).14 -
In my country we have a saying: "wives and cows only from your villages".
I'm sure if you go back a few centuries that really made sense... Or people used to think so.
Nowadays I don't think so. There is a wider knowledge of other people's traditions. So you know what you are getting into when you start a relationship.
I'm Italian and my wife American. She doesn't speak my language and I had to learn hers. She's very tall clear skin, I'm very short with Mediterranean skin color. She believes in a religion, I'm atheist. Completely different backgrounds as you can see.
We've been married for 20 years and our relationship is still working great. Sure we've had our differences sometimes like in every relationship, but that was not due to the fact that we come from 2 different worlds. I fell in love with her personality, not with the fact that she eats turkey on Thanksgiving day and I don't even have a Thanksgiving day.11 -
msalicia07 wrote: »A little background information-
I’m a Caucasian, blonde, blue eyed female, American. My husband is Asian, has dark features, about my height, close to my weight, and his family fled the Khmer Rouge (he is 1st generation American). We are both in our early 30’s.
In another thread it was commented that marrying your race and culture creates more compatibility. Another poster said race is just aesthetics and that proximity, as well as personality, are what make relationships compatible. I didn’t want to derail the thread so thought it would be an interesting topic to discuss, as I myself am in an interracial marriage.
I have found people have incredibly strong opinions about what they think makes a relationship compatible, and we are subject to comments and questions nearly everyday about our relationship. Mostly it’s when my husband is at the hospital and shows a picture of us, his associates are astounded I’m a blonde white female.
Because of him I have learned about the world of prearranged marriages, and how common they still are. I’ve learned many new customs, food preparations, and 2 new languages. But in no way did I feel these differences meant we weren’t compatible. It was our outlook on life that deciphered that.
Any thoughts and personal experiences? The more I dive into this the more I realize there is a world of belief systems that are being passed down, and I’d like to know what they are and why you believe them.
The bolded part is a racist assertion, you can safely dismiss people espousing the idea that you can't be compatible with someone of a different racial or ethnic background. Maybe that person has trouble relating to people who are different from them, because they have a lot of racist programming to overcome, but it is absolutely not the case that all white people are inherently more compatible with all other white people over people of other racial backgrounds just by virtue of being white, or whatever.
That said, everyone has preferences and those are OK, the heart wants what it wants and all that. I think as long as you're approaching a relationship seeing your potential partner as a whole individual human person, not making assumptions about how they are and what they like due to their race, you're in the clear.11 -
It's the environment the two of you are in, I suppose. I've dated interacially, cross-culturally and inter-religiously (sic?) my entire life. But then again, I've lived in diversified urban cities my entire life too.
If there were comments from others, I either didn't hear them or didn't pay attention 🤷🏿♀️
Personally, I think having a sense of open-mindedness is one way to learn about the world and your place within it.
Lastly, I've yet to be convinced attraction is bound by one kind of similarity (ie. we have to look alike, or pray to the same Dude In the Ether, or be deeply familiar/invested with one another's cultural history and heritage).
Same pov... you just said it better 😍2 -
In my country we have a saying: "wives and cows only from your villages".
I'm sure if you go back a few centuries that really made sense... Or people used to think so.
Nowadays I don't think so. There is a wider knowledge of other people's traditions. So you know what you are getting into when you start a relationship.
I'm Italian and my wife American. She doesn't speak my language and I had to learn hers. She's very tall clear skin, I'm very short with Mediterranean skin color. She believes in a religion, I'm atheist. Completely different backgrounds as you can see.
We've been married for 20 years and our relationship is still working great. Sure we've had our differences sometimes like in every relationship, but that was not due to the fact that we come from 2 different worlds. I fell in love with her personality, not with the fact that she eats turkey on Thanksgiving day and I don't even have a Thanksgiving day.
Your quote reminds me of a conversation I had with an acquaintance not long ago. They asked about my relationship and what my husbands parents thought of him marrying me. I said I didn’t really ask, as I didn’t know it would be a problem. They laughed and said they still ask their family permission to go out for the evening, and they’re in their 30’s, Wow. Turns out their marriages are mostly arranged as well. There’s a whole world out there I didn’t know existed, and my marriage is surfacing so many opinions and belief systems I thought were mostly gone.3 -
goal06082021 wrote: »msalicia07 wrote: »A little background information-
I’m a Caucasian, blonde, blue eyed female, American. My husband is Asian, has dark features, about my height, close to my weight, and his family fled the Khmer Rouge (he is 1st generation American). We are both in our early 30’s.
In another thread it was commented that marrying your race and culture creates more compatibility. Another poster said race is just aesthetics and that proximity, as well as personality, are what make relationships compatible. I didn’t want to derail the thread so thought it would be an interesting topic to discuss, as I myself am in an interracial marriage.
I have found people have incredibly strong opinions about what they think makes a relationship compatible, and we are subject to comments and questions nearly everyday about our relationship. Mostly it’s when my husband is at the hospital and shows a picture of us, his associates are astounded I’m a blonde white female.
Because of him I have learned about the world of prearranged marriages, and how common they still are. I’ve learned many new customs, food preparations, and 2 new languages. But in no way did I feel these differences meant we weren’t compatible. It was our outlook on life that deciphered that.
Any thoughts and personal experiences? The more I dive into this the more I realize there is a world of belief systems that are being passed down, and I’d like to know what they are and why you believe them.
The bolded part is a racist assertion, you can safely dismiss people espousing the idea that you can't be compatible with someone of a different racial or ethnic background. Maybe that person has trouble relating to people who are different from them, because they have a lot of racist programming to overcome, but it is absolutely not the case that all white people are inherently more compatible with all other white people over people of other racial backgrounds just by virtue of being white, or whatever.
That said, everyone has preferences and those are OK, the heart wants what it wants and all that. I think as long as you're approaching a relationship seeing your potential partner as a whole individual human person, not making assumptions about how they are and what they like due to their race, you're in the clear.
So true, and these beliefs are just more prominent than I realized, being the modern woman that I am. Granted, I don’t believe the person making the comment saw it as racist, but that’s how it made me feel. Preferences are fine, we all have them. But to spread belief systems that aren’t true, I have to ask why and hopefully we can bridge the gap in this thread.3 -
I'm South Asian ( India ) ( also lived in Cambodia for a few years! My mom taught in Phnom Penh at Wat Than! ) And lived in several countries my whole life... ended up marrying a white Southern gentleman 😄... gurrrrrlll the amount of hoopla that was thrown at me from both Asia and America united has made my skin thicker than a hippo's!! We live in the South ( heh!) so I get startled looks ALL THE TIME. But... for every weird look of disbelief I get , I also get acceptance and love. So...as much of a struggle it has been to try to fit in here in the US for the past decade...I'd say I have a handful of true friends...and that's all I need.12
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I think it depends massively on where you are in the world, and how prejudiced and/or parochial the people around you are. I grew up in Canada in a very progressive community, all of my friends and family are extremely open minded to all people, and racism of any kind has been looked down on since I was little. I as also blond and Caucasian. I met and fell in love with an Australian guy whose family on one side comes from Zanzibar, of Persian decent, and he is of course a lot darker than I am, and looks to be Turkish perhaps. While he is an atheist, much of his family remains fairly devout muslim. None of this has ever been an issue for either of us with our own families, and we lived in Canada and the UK for years with literally zero comment from anyone ever. He has told me that he faced racism growing up in small town Australia, but he said it was largely just ignorance, and he still has a super strong group of friends from his home town. We ended up moving to his Australian home town several years ago.....and WOW, the comments we get, the racism, the small minded-ness. It's astounding. People don't direct any sort of targeted attacks at us, we have generally slid quite well in to the community and have a lot of friends, but sometimes really hateful anti muslim rhetoric will pour forth from someone I don't expect it to, because they either have forgotten or don't realise that that's his family they are talking about out. And as we have 2 little girls now, it makes me FURIOUS as that is where they come from, that's their ancestry being dragged, and this isn't something I had ever experienced. I love Australia and I love the people, they are so genuine and open and welcoming, but I have blocked a lot of my hubbies friends on Facebook because I just can't handle the racism and intolerance.5
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My fiancé is Asian. I am Black. We live in NYC. You would think it would be a forward thinking place to live, however we encountered more racism from his family, ex friends and random people here than anywhere.
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SunnyBunBun79 wrote: »I'm South Asian ( India ) ( also lived in Cambodia for a few years! My mom taught in Phnom Penh at Wat Than! ) And lived in several countries my whole life... ended up marrying a white Southern gentleman 😄... gurrrrrlll the amount of hoopla that was thrown at me from both Asia and America united has made my skin thicker than a hippo's!! We live in the South ( heh!) so I get startled looks ALL THE TIME. But... for every weird look of disbelief I get , I also get acceptance and love. So...as much of a struggle it has been to try to fit in here in the US for the past decade...I'd say I have a handful of true friends...and that's all I need.
Cambodia huh?! No kidding! Wow, I love that. We are currently in the south as well (temporarily) and it sounds like we are having mirrored experiences. People are generally great to us, it’s what I hear from my husband when I’m not around that floors me. Fortunately we have thick skin and a zen attitude towards life, but I think individually people are inherently good. It’s the masses that I don’t get from time to time. I just didn’t realize how much people would comment, whether good or bad. To me, this was just like any other relationship, but special of course, because he was the one.7 -
msalicia07 wrote: »SunnyBunBun79 wrote: »I'm South Asian ( India ) ( also lived in Cambodia for a few years! My mom taught in Phnom Penh at Wat Than! ) And lived in several countries my whole life... ended up marrying a white Southern gentleman 😄... gurrrrrlll the amount of hoopla that was thrown at me from both Asia and America united has made my skin thicker than a hippo's!! We live in the South ( heh!) so I get startled looks ALL THE TIME. But... for every weird look of disbelief I get , I also get acceptance and love. So...as much of a struggle it has been to try to fit in here in the US for the past decade...I'd say I have a handful of true friends...and that's all I need.
Cambodia huh?! No kidding! Wow, I love that. We are currently in the south as well (temporarily) and it sounds like we are having mirrored experiences. People are generally great to us, it’s what I hear from my husband when I’m not around that floors me. Fortunately we have thick skin and a zen attitude towards life, but I think individually people are inherently good. It’s the masses that I don’t get from time to time. I just didn’t realize how much people would comment, whether good or bad. To me, this was just like any other relationship, but special of course, because he was the one.
QFT. 💜4 -
msalicia07 wrote: »In my country we have a saying: "wives and cows only from your villages".
I'm sure if you go back a few centuries that really made sense... Or people used to think so.
Nowadays I don't think so. There is a wider knowledge of other people's traditions. So you know what you are getting into when you start a relationship.
I'm Italian and my wife American. She doesn't speak my language and I had to learn hers. She's very tall clear skin, I'm very short with Mediterranean skin color. She believes in a religion, I'm atheist. Completely different backgrounds as you can see.
We've been married for 20 years and our relationship is still working great. Sure we've had our differences sometimes like in every relationship, but that was not due to the fact that we come from 2 different worlds. I fell in love with her personality, not with the fact that she eats turkey on Thanksgiving day and I don't even have a Thanksgiving day.
Your quote reminds me of a conversation I had with an acquaintance not long ago. They asked about my relationship and what my husbands parents thought of him marrying me. I said I didn’t really ask, as I didn’t know it would be a problem. They laughed and said they still ask their family permission to go out for the evening, and they’re in their 30’s, Wow. Turns out their marriages are mostly arranged as well. There’s a whole world out there I didn’t know existed, and my marriage is surfacing so many opinions and belief systems I thought were mostly gone.
My father didn't approve my relationship. My wife was coming from a previous marriage with kids. In his opinion I was making a big mistake. Moving 5k miles away to marry a person so different and with kids. He didn't even come to my marriage.
Later on he got to know my wife and learned to be more open minded. He apologized and now he loves my wife like he loves his own daughter.12 -
msalicia07 wrote: »A little background information-
I’m a Caucasian, blonde, blue eyed female, American. My husband is Asian, has dark features, about my height, close to my weight, and his family fled the Khmer Rouge (he is 1st generation American). We are both in our early 30’s.
In another thread it was commented that marrying your race and culture creates more compatibility. Another poster said race is just aesthetics and that proximity, as well as personality, are what make relationships compatible. I didn’t want to derail the thread so thought it would be an interesting topic to discuss, as I myself am in an interracial marriage.
I have found people have incredibly strong opinions about what they think makes a relationship compatible, and we are subject to comments and questions nearly everyday about our relationship. Mostly it’s when my husband is at the hospital and shows a picture of us, his associates are astounded I’m a blonde white female.
Because of him I have learned about the world of prearranged marriages, and how common they still are. I’ve learned many new customs, food preparations, and 2 new languages. But in no way did I feel these differences meant we weren’t compatible. It was our outlook on life that deciphered that.
Any thoughts and personal experiences? The more I dive into this the more I realize there is a world of belief systems that are being passed down, and I’d like to know what they are and why you believe them.
I think whoever said that, or anyone who believes it, should marry someone who also believes that, and not force someone else to spend years regretting marrying someone with racist views.
I don't think it's experiences or even beliefs, in the general sense, that make for compatibility. I think shared values and wanting the same things (or least not wanting mutually exclusive things) out of the marriage are more important. Plus a willingness to accept the partner for who they are (rather than viewing them as an improvement project).
Enjoying at least some of the same activities is generally helpful, but if both partners happen to be people who don't see a need to spend lots of time doing things with each other and view it as reasonable to have some of their friendship needs met outside the relationship, even a lack of interest in the same activities doesn't need to be a deal breaker.
There are probably nearly as many ways to be compatible as there are successful marriages (and nearly as many ways to be incompatible as there are unsuccessful marriages).
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Chef_Barbell wrote: »My fiancé is Asian. I am Black. We live in NYC. You would think it would be a forward thinking place to live, however we encountered more racism from his family, ex friends and random people here than anywhere.
Sadly, at least from the people I know in interracial relationships, families can be some of the most opposed.3 -
janejellyroll wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »My fiancé is Asian. I am Black. We live in NYC. You would think it would be a forward thinking place to live, however we encountered more racism from his family, ex friends and random people here than anywhere.
Sadly, at least from the people I know in interracial relationships, families can be some of the most opposed.
I agree. Luckily we had no problems cutting people out of our lives. He hasn't spoken to his toxic sister in over 10 years now. His parents live close to us but we hardly see them.7 -
janejellyroll wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »My fiancé is Asian. I am Black. We live in NYC. You would think it would be a forward thinking place to live, however we encountered more racism from his family, ex friends and random people here than anywhere.
Sadly, at least from the people I know in interracial relationships, families can be some of the most opposed.
Both of our kids have dated outside of our race. The absolute only concern we've had is how that partner treats our kids (and vice versa -- our kids should respect their mates too). I think, too often, parents use the excuse of "you'll encounter racism and I'm worried..." as a way to justify their own racism and fear of dating outside the race. My parents raised us to not say anything racist, even in private (which is a good thing), but their actions when we dated outside of our race told a different story. Generational growth and evolution is important.
To me, I worry as a parent more about cultural differences (more from other countries than interracial in the US), mostly for my daughter -- who is very independent. Many cultures are very sexist -- certainly not saying that there aren't sexist men in the US.
Any relationship which starts with good communication, attraction, respect and compromise can work.8 -
lemongirlbc wrote: »I think it depends massively on where you are in the world, and how prejudiced and/or parochial the people around you are. I grew up in Canada in a very progressive community, all of my friends and family are extremely open minded to all people, and racism of any kind has been looked down on since I was little. I as also blond and Caucasian. I met and fell in love with an Australian guy whose family on one side comes from Zanzibar, of Persian decent, and he is of course a lot darker than I am, and looks to be Turkish perhaps. While he is an atheist, much of his family remains fairly devout muslim. None of this has ever been an issue for either of us with our own families, and we lived in Canada and the UK for years with literally zero comment from anyone ever. He has told me that he faced racism growing up in small town Australia, but he said it was largely just ignorance, and he still has a super strong group of friends from his home town. We ended up moving to his Australian home town several years ago.....and WOW, the comments we get, the racism, the small minded-ness. It's astounding. People don't direct any sort of targeted attacks at us, we have generally slid quite well in to the community and have a lot of friends, but sometimes really hateful anti muslim rhetoric will pour forth from someone I don't expect it to, because they either have forgotten or don't realise that that's his family they are talking about out. And as we have 2 little girls now, it makes me FURIOUS as that is where they come from, that's their ancestry being dragged, and this isn't something I had ever experienced. I love Australia and I love the people, they are so genuine and open and welcoming, but I have blocked a lot of my hubbies friends on Facebook because I just can't handle the racism and intolerance.
I’m so bummed, I had written out a long response to you yesterday and I lost the whole message 🤦🏼♀️ I just wanted to basically say how your story resonates with me. We too are from pretty progressive places, but when we moved it was just different. I realize how naive I was, not that it’s all bad at all! In fact most of the questions we get are to exclaim how adorable we are, or how unique we look, in a complimentary way. I notice most of what is said in a negative tone or context is to my husband when I’m not around. Don’t know what’s up with that! He’s so kind he lets it roll off his back. I feel like a mamma bear sometimes when he tells me the comments people make regarding his race, or that he must have money because he caught me. Either way, I don’t feel this makes our compatibility less than that of a same race couple. I think it’s just a different set of concerns than others might have. If anything it has brought us closer together. I hope it’s the same for you two.2 -
I'm the product of an interracial relationship and it didn't last long, my parents seperated when I was just 3 years old. This is very common, out of all the people the mixed race people I know none have parents who are still together. Most of the time the father just abandonned them.
You can look at the stats online, interracial relationships are less likely to work. Higher chance of divorce by a large margin
There's wishful thinking and there's reality.6 -
janejellyroll wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »My fiancé is Asian. I am Black. We live in NYC. You would think it would be a forward thinking place to live, however we encountered more racism from his family, ex friends and random people here than anywhere.
Sadly, at least from the people I know in interracial relationships, families can be some of the most opposed.
This!0 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »My fiancé is Asian. I am Black. We live in NYC. You would think it would be a forward thinking place to live, however we encountered more racism from his family, ex friends and random people here than anywhere.
Sadly, at least from the people I know in interracial relationships, families can be some of the most opposed.
I agree. Luckily we had no problems cutting people out of our lives. He hasn't spoken to his toxic sister in over 10 years now. His parents live close to us but we hardly see them.
Someone recently referred to us as #whasain, I had never heard #whasain or #blasain before. I looked on Instagram and sure enough! Some really beautiful families, no question 💯2 -
I'm the product of an interracial relationship and it didn't last long, my parents seperated when I was just 3 years old. This is very common, out of all the people the mixed race people I know none have parents who are still together. Most of the time the father just abandonned them.
You can look at the stats online, interracial relationships are less likely to work. Higher chance of divorce by a large margin
There's wishful thinking and there's reality.
The sad truth is that most relationships don't work. Most of us date at least a few people before we partner long-term. Of those long-term partnerships, many still end.
Which statistics are you referring to in particular?3 -
I'm the product of an interracial relationship and it didn't last long, my parents seperated when I was just 3 years old. This is very common, out of all the people the mixed race people I know none have parents who are still together. Most of the time the father just abandonned them.
You can look at the stats online, interracial relationships are less likely to work. Higher chance of divorce by a large margin
There's wishful thinking and there's reality.
Thanks for sharing your experience. Could you give us some more information? I’d love to know the statistics and also the years the study was taken. I think back then there was an uphill battle and culture was very different. The world was more segregated and less accepting. This is the POV that gets passed down just because it was the case when they were growing up, which doesn’t mean it’s going to be the case for current relationships. I think the variables are the biggest factor in this statistic, so I’d like to see it.0 -
msalicia07 wrote: »I'm the product of an interracial relationship and it didn't last long, my parents seperated when I was just 3 years old. This is very common, out of all the people the mixed race people I know none have parents who are still together. Most of the time the father just abandonned them.
You can look at the stats online, interracial relationships are less likely to work. Higher chance of divorce by a large margin
There's wishful thinking and there's reality.
Thanks for sharing your experience. Could you give us some more information? I’d love to know the statistics and also the years the study was taken. I think back then there was an uphill battle and culture was very different. The world was more segregated and less accepting. This is the POV that gets passed down just because it was the case when they were growing up, which doesn’t mean it’s going to be the case for current relationships. I think the variables are the biggest factor in this statistic, so I’d like to see it.
I poked around a bit and found reference to a 1995 study that referenced a 41% divorce rate within ten years for interracial couples and 31% for couples of the same race.
I agree with you that time could make a difference here -- from an outside perspective, it seems like it could be more difficult culturally to be an interracial couple in the 80s/90s versus today (I hope I'm not being too naive about society, at least in some ways, being more open to interracial pairings). Another thing to consider is that statistics on interracial couples don't capture everything we necessarily would consider interracial -- for example, a Hispanic married to a non-Hispanic isn't always captured as an interracial couple, although some of these couples would probably fall into the realm of what many of us would consider to be interracial.3 -
I'm on mobile right now and can't link anything but there's a Wikipedia page on interracial marriage in the US, you can look at the academic research. It says for example that white men/black women couples are less likely to divorce than white/white couples, which is surprising. It depends on gender and which racial group.
But overall there is a higher rate of divorce for interracial couples, you can look at the statistics there.1 -
I'm on mobile right now and can't link anything but there's a Wikipedia page on interracial marriage in the US, you can look at the academic research. It says for example that white men/black women couples are less likely to divorce than white/white couples, which is surprising. It depends on gender and which racial group.
But overall there is a higher rate of divorce for interracial couples, you can look at the statistics there.
The Wikipedia article says that the risk is particularly high for couples marrying in the late 80s. Fortunately that is a risk factor that 100% of couples getting married today can avoid.
Did you notice the table in that article says that Black/Black marriages have the highest rate of divorce of the possible pairings noted? Yet I don't think anyone would imagine using that the argue that Black people should avoid intraracial marriages (I hope not anyway!). Also according to that table, interracial marriages between whites and Asians actually have a lower divorce rate than white/white pairings. But again, I don't think anyone should argue that white people shouldn't marry other white people.
The truth is that SOME forms of interracial marriages do appear to have a higher divorce rate than others, at least for marriages that began during certain periods. But it doesn't appear that simply being interracial increases the risk and marrying someone of your own race doesn't necessarily lower the risk.
That article also cites a statistic that shows a marriage with a Black wife and a white husband was 44% LESS likely to end in divorce than white/white marriages over the same time period. You note this in your post, but I think it's pretty relevant to the basis of your argument and shouldn't just be glossed over.
The truth appears to be that some particular pairings -- both inter- and intraracial -- do have a higher divorce rate than others. Some interracial pairings appear more stable than some intraracial ones. The bottom line is that if you're looking to reduce your rate of getting divorced, it's probably much smarter to focus on things like compatible lifestyle goals and values, argument styles, support structures, and chemistry instead of the race of your partner.
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janejellyroll wrote: »I'm on mobile right now and can't link anything but there's a Wikipedia page on interracial marriage in the US, you can look at the academic research. It says for example that white men/black women couples are less likely to divorce than white/white couples, which is surprising. It depends on gender and which racial group.
But overall there is a higher rate of divorce for interracial couples, you can look at the statistics there.
The Wikipedia article says that the risk is particularly high for couples marrying in the late 80s. Fortunately that is a risk factor that 100% of couples getting married today can avoid.
Did you notice the table in that article says that Black/Black marriages have the highest rate of divorce of the possible pairings noted? Yet I don't think anyone would imagine using that the argue that Black people should avoid intraracial marriages (I hope not anyway!). Also according to that table, interracial marriages between whites and Asians actually have a lower divorce rate than white/white pairings. But again, I don't think anyone should argue that white people shouldn't marry other white people.
The truth is that SOME forms of interracial marriages do appear to have a higher divorce rate than others, at least for marriages that began during certain periods. But it doesn't appear that simply being interracial increases the risk and marrying someone of your own race doesn't necessarily lower the risk.
That article also cites a statistic that shows a marriage with a Black wife and a white husband was 44% LESS likely to end in divorce than white/white marriages over the same time period. You note this in your post, but I think it's pretty relevant to the basis of your argument and shouldn't just be glossed over.
The truth appears to be that some particular pairings -- both inter- and intraracial -- do have a higher divorce rate than others. Some interracial pairings appear more stable than some intraracial ones. The bottom line is that if you're looking to reduce your rate of getting divorced, it's probably much smarter to focus on things like compatible lifestyle goals and values, argument styles, support structures, and chemistry instead of the race of your partner.
This is precisely my point and thought process. There’s so many variables to consider, and it’s even more important to note that not all interracial relationships can be put in the same box. Thank you for breaking down the source so well, as it’s important to have a more well rounded understanding, especially for those who have their biases. I would wager to say for each passing generation, those statistics will change dramatically.3 -
My personal opinion on this is that many Americans really have no idea how to adapt to certain cultures. Notice I said many. We have so many freedoms here in America and when some see something like a female being more subservient to their husband based on culture, some freak out and say that it's America and that shouldn't be observed here. According to whom? If a culture follows certain traditions and it's their choice, then why have a voice of opposition if that person has absolutely NOTHING to do with it?msalicia07 wrote: »A little background information-
I’m a Caucasian, blonde, blue eyed female, American. My husband is Asian, has dark features, about my height, close to my weight, and his family fled the Khmer Rouge (he is 1st generation American). We are both in our early 30’s.
In another thread it was commented that marrying your race and culture creates more compatibility. Another poster said race is just aesthetics and that proximity, as well as personality, are what make relationships compatible. I didn’t want to derail the thread so thought it would be an interesting topic to discuss, as I myself am in an interracial marriage.
I have found people have incredibly strong opinions about what they think makes a relationship compatible, and we are subject to comments and questions nearly everyday about our relationship. Mostly it’s when my husband is at the hospital and shows a picture of us, his associates are astounded I’m a blonde white female.
Because of him I have learned about the world of prearranged marriages, and how common they still are. I’ve learned many new customs, food preparations, and 2 new languages. But in no way did I feel these differences meant we weren’t compatible. It was our outlook on life that deciphered that.
Any thoughts and personal experiences? The more I dive into this the more I realize there is a world of belief systems that are being passed down, and I’d like to know what they are and why you believe them.
I'll also say that from just watching shows like 90 Fiance and how some Americans go to other countries and disrespect how that country follows their culture leaves me with the understanding when countries say that Americans are some of the rudest people on Earth.
I'm born and raised American. I'm of Filipino decent. I do follow a lot of Filipino culture especially where it comes to respect of elders regardless if they are your family or not. We have some non Filipinos in my family tree and they adapt to our culture when it comes to family gatherings, parties, weddings, funerals, etc.
But IMO, while I do not care whether there is interracial relationships, I DO believe that if one does have a relationship with someone of their own race, there are less problems especially with those who though they may be fine with adaptation, friends and family DON'T seem to do as well. And when opposing families get to disagreeing how the relationship should be, that puts a lot of pressure on the couple themselves.
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MikePfirrman wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »My fiancé is Asian. I am Black. We live in NYC. You would think it would be a forward thinking place to live, however we encountered more racism from his family, ex friends and random people here than anywhere.
Sadly, at least from the people I know in interracial relationships, families can be some of the most opposed.
Both of our kids have dated outside of our race. The absolute only concern we've had is how that partner treats our kids (and vice versa -- our kids should respect their mates too). I think, too often, parents use the excuse of "you'll encounter racism and I'm worried..." as a way to justify their own racism and fear of dating outside the race. My parents raised us to not say anything racist, even in private (which is a good thing), but their actions when we dated outside of our race told a different story. Generational growth and evolution is important.
To me, I worry as a parent more about cultural differences (more from other countries than interracial in the US), mostly for my daughter -- who is very independent. Many cultures are very sexist -- certainly not saying that there aren't sexist men in the US.
Any relationship which starts with good communication, attraction, respect and compromise can work.
This speaks volumes on how generational norms try to influence the decisions of younger generations without having an understanding of the evolving culture. Even if they mean well, everyone has to take responsibility for asking questions and doing research before passing down racial and sexist belief systems.
Your approach to parenting should be common place. Well done!3 -
How do your families react though on both sides? Is there any contention with you being Atheist and her family side religious? And vice versa?In my country we have a saying: "wives and cows only from your villages".
I'm sure if you go back a few centuries that really made sense... Or people used to think so.
Nowadays I don't think so. There is a wider knowledge of other people's traditions. So you know what you are getting into when you start a relationship.
I'm Italian and my wife American. She doesn't speak my language and I had to learn hers. She's very tall clear skin, I'm very short with Mediterranean skin color. She believes in a religion, I'm atheist. Completely different backgrounds as you can see.
We've been married for 20 years and our relationship is still working great. Sure we've had our differences sometimes like in every relationship, but that was not due to the fact that we come from 2 different worlds. I fell in love with her personality, not with the fact that she eats turkey on Thanksgiving day and I don't even have a Thanksgiving day.
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Hate to say it, but a lot of Asians (espeically older ones) have this stupid belief that African Americans shouldn't be mixed in their family. I still don't really know why either. My grandmother (who passed in '83) was prejudice against African Americans. Always asked me why they would come over to the house. She wasn't mean to them, but then again she wasn't that accomodating to them either.Chef_Barbell wrote: »My fiancé is Asian. I am Black. We live in NYC. You would think it would be a forward thinking place to live, however we encountered more racism from his family, ex friends and random people here than anywhere.
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