Relationship Compatibility

kshama2001

One thing that helped me survive the last four years was having a partner and family members who are aligned with my political beliefs.

Ddsb11

kshama2001 wrote: »

One thing that helped me survive the last four years was having a partner and family members who are aligned with my political beliefs.

Wait, you have the same political beliefs as your family, your partner, AND their family? You won the family lottery right there lol.

Psychgrrl

“Love is love is love is love.” Lin Manuel Miranda.

I identify as a Caucasian female and date out of my race/ethnicity. To me, there is beauty everywhere, in everyone. The real connection is more than skin deep.

tbilly20

My wife and I are both Caucasian of Irish and English descent. We grew up within 1/2 mile of each other in the same neighborhood, went to the same public schools and college. I was 4 years older though, so we never met until we were set up on a date in our 20’s. Despite our similar geographical upbringing and lineage, we differed in religious, political, financial, and parenting viewpoints. She has taught me so much, and I would like to believe that I contributed some as well. Opposites certainly attract. What’s on the outside is no indicator to what is beneath. I know that my views have become much better by seeing things from a different side. We have been together for 15 years with two amazing children and a truly blessed life!

penguinmama87

One of the most important things for me in my marriage was realizing that love is more than simply attraction; it's willing the good of the other. If you have a marriage where both people are all in on that idea, then you can weather a LOT of differences and hardships. I do think there is such a thing as general compatibility, and culture, religion, beliefs may play a part in that, but even if you're super compatible, there will be hard times and challenges.

I actually converted to my husband's religion, not because of him (although he did play a role by introducing me to it), but even before I believed the same things we had similar attitudes on a lot of other non-religious things. Besides the fact that I thought he was incredibly handsome, that appealed to me. I wouldn't have been interested in dating a man who had different ideas about fundamentals that were very important to me, no matter how attractive he was. He felt the same.

Some of our attitudes have changed about some issues, some have stayed the same. We agree on some of the same things and disagree about others. Or we came across issues we never thought about but now had to form an opinion about. But what hasn't changed is that we both believe we're in it together for the rest of our lives no matter what.

Even in one household, where everyone is biologically related, there can be a huge difference in things like natural temperament. Some types combining would probably make for harder marriages than others, even when there's agreement on a lot of the essentials!

ETA: One other thing that comes to mind: If you don't feel like you can be safe or "be yourself" with the other person, then it's probably not a good relationship. Sometimes people think "being yourself" means not having to be respectful, or the ability to be rude, at all times, but that's not what I mean at all. For example: if a man and a woman are newly dating, and disagree strongly about appropriate gender roles, and can't even begin to understand the other person's view (or only one doesn't), that's probably not going to be a happy match. But if you agree, or are flexible (or both - sometimes life happens and you both have to adjust!), it's more likely to work out.

I wouldn't recommend faking flexibility to get dates, though. It's OK to have non-negotiables.

Ddsb11

tbilly20 wrote: »

My wife and I are both Caucasian of Irish and English descent. We grew up within 1/2 mile of each other in the same neighborhood, went to the same public schools and college. I was 4 years older though, so we never met until we were set up on a date in our 20’s. Despite our similar geographical upbringing and lineage, we differed in religious, political, financial, and parenting viewpoints. She has taught me so much, and I would like to believe that I contributed some as well. Opposites certainly attract. What’s on the outside is no indicator to what is beneath. I know that my views have become much better by seeing things from a different side. We have been together for 15 years with two amazing children and a truly blessed life!

This is worth highlighting. Differences don’t necessarily makes things worse or create an incompatible relationship. Your situation, and mine, showed that the differences created a more well rounded and healthier life, for myself and for those around me. We are product of the lotus effect. To a certain extent, how can we ever evolve or expand without being a little uncomfortable?

JustaNoob

Compatibility in many areas are not necessary. If I wanted to date someone exactly like me, I'd just be alone.

My bf is Asian and he is really strong on areas where I am not so strong and vice versa. And a big part of that is his culture and how he was raised. He is incredibly successful careerwise and I am more of the whimsical type. I'm really good at thinking out of the box and he is really good at knowing when we need to stay in the box lol.

Differences aren't actually a bad thing. We don't have to assign morals to differences.

I had some friends who were Mexican and always late to everything. It annoyed me because I assumed they were irresponsible and not honoring my time. What I noticed after a while was that they were taught to honor the moment and not rush things because of a clock. If someone interrupted them on the way to my place, they took their time to be fully in that moment with that person rather than rushing them off.

Theo166

"In another thread it was commented that marrying your race and culture creates more compatibility. "

I don't find this racist, it's just old school commons sense. It doesn't mean marriages with more diversity are doomed to fail, just that they generally have more potential for conflicts. And this issue is mostly about culture/values/religion not skin color, though in prior generations different races tended to have more pronounced cultural and values differences.

It also changes over time. I think people are less parochial than they were pre-WW2. Friends and family are now more supportive of cross religion or cross race marriages and parents are more likely to look at research on 'good parenting' rather than just revert to 'how they were raised'

This 'old school' advice had more merit in the last century than the current one, at least in the USA imho.

Ddsb11

Theo166 wrote: »

"In another thread it was commented that marrying your race and culture creates more compatibility. "

I don't find this racist, it's just old school commons sense. It doesn't mean marriages with more diversity are doomed to fail, just that they generally have more potential for conflicts. And this issue is mostly about culture/values/religion not skin color, though in prior generations different races tended to have more pronounced cultural and values differences.

It also changes over time. I think people are less parochial than they were pre-WW2. Friends and family are now more supportive of cross religion or cross race marriages and parents are more likely to look at research on 'good parenting' rather than just revert to 'how they were raised'

This 'old school' advice had more merit in the last century than the current one, at least in the USA imho.

I appreciate you sharing your POV. I do, however, disagree that race equates to more compatibility in the relationship and that this is just “common sense”. I think the notion of ‘marrying your race is better’ is an assumption from earlier generations, and this assumption is being proven wrong the more interracial marriages come to fruition.

When I lived in Africa I was visiting a family in a village and they were explaining the family dynamic to me. The husband stated that he needed to make all the decision because women are born with half a brain, so it was just common sense. Because he stated it as a fact she believed it and followed suit.

I think you need to be careful in making statements that it is common sense that there is more relationship compatibility just because you share a race. People will not only believe you but share that opinion with their kids and we’ll never remove this problematic and racist position.