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Relationship Compatibility

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  • janejellyrolljanejellyroll Member, Premium Posts: 24,806 Member Member, Premium Posts: 24,806 Member
    Mellouk89 wrote: »
    I'm the product of an interracial relationship and it didn't last long, my parents seperated when I was just 3 years old. This is very common, out of all the people the mixed race people I know none have parents who are still together. Most of the time the father just abandonned them.

    You can look at the stats online, interracial relationships are less likely to work. Higher chance of divorce by a large margin

    There's wishful thinking and there's reality.

    The sad truth is that most relationships don't work. Most of us date at least a few people before we partner long-term. Of those long-term partnerships, many still end.

    Which statistics are you referring to in particular?
  • Ddsb11Ddsb11 Member Posts: 529 Member Member Posts: 529 Member
    Mellouk89 wrote: »
    I'm the product of an interracial relationship and it didn't last long, my parents seperated when I was just 3 years old. This is very common, out of all the people the mixed race people I know none have parents who are still together. Most of the time the father just abandonned them.

    You can look at the stats online, interracial relationships are less likely to work. Higher chance of divorce by a large margin

    There's wishful thinking and there's reality.

    Thanks for sharing your experience. Could you give us some more information? I’d love to know the statistics and also the years the study was taken. I think back then there was an uphill battle and culture was very different. The world was more segregated and less accepting. This is the POV that gets passed down just because it was the case when they were growing up, which doesn’t mean it’s going to be the case for current relationships. I think the variables are the biggest factor in this statistic, so I’d like to see it.
  • janejellyrolljanejellyroll Member, Premium Posts: 24,806 Member Member, Premium Posts: 24,806 Member
    msalicia07 wrote: »
    Mellouk89 wrote: »
    I'm the product of an interracial relationship and it didn't last long, my parents seperated when I was just 3 years old. This is very common, out of all the people the mixed race people I know none have parents who are still together. Most of the time the father just abandonned them.

    You can look at the stats online, interracial relationships are less likely to work. Higher chance of divorce by a large margin

    There's wishful thinking and there's reality.

    Thanks for sharing your experience. Could you give us some more information? I’d love to know the statistics and also the years the study was taken. I think back then there was an uphill battle and culture was very different. The world was more segregated and less accepting. This is the POV that gets passed down just because it was the case when they were growing up, which doesn’t mean it’s going to be the case for current relationships. I think the variables are the biggest factor in this statistic, so I’d like to see it.

    I poked around a bit and found reference to a 1995 study that referenced a 41% divorce rate within ten years for interracial couples and 31% for couples of the same race.

    I agree with you that time could make a difference here -- from an outside perspective, it seems like it could be more difficult culturally to be an interracial couple in the 80s/90s versus today (I hope I'm not being too naive about society, at least in some ways, being more open to interracial pairings). Another thing to consider is that statistics on interracial couples don't capture everything we necessarily would consider interracial -- for example, a Hispanic married to a non-Hispanic isn't always captured as an interracial couple, although some of these couples would probably fall into the realm of what many of us would consider to be interracial.
  • Mellouk89Mellouk89 Member Posts: 169 Member Member Posts: 169 Member
    I'm on mobile right now and can't link anything but there's a Wikipedia page on interracial marriage in the US, you can look at the academic research. It says for example that white men/black women couples are less likely to divorce than white/white couples, which is surprising. It depends on gender and which racial group.

    But overall there is a higher rate of divorce for interracial couples, you can look at the statistics there.
    edited February 4
  • Ddsb11Ddsb11 Member Posts: 529 Member Member Posts: 529 Member
    Mellouk89 wrote: »
    I'm on mobile right now and can't link anything but there's a Wikipedia page on interracial marriage in the US, you can look at the academic research. It says for example that white men/black women couples are less likely to divorce than white/white couples, which is surprising. It depends on gender and which racial group.

    But overall there is a higher rate of divorce for interracial couples, you can look at the statistics there.

    The Wikipedia article says that the risk is particularly high for couples marrying in the late 80s. Fortunately that is a risk factor that 100% of couples getting married today can avoid.

    Did you notice the table in that article says that Black/Black marriages have the highest rate of divorce of the possible pairings noted? Yet I don't think anyone would imagine using that the argue that Black people should avoid intraracial marriages (I hope not anyway!). Also according to that table, interracial marriages between whites and Asians actually have a lower divorce rate than white/white pairings. But again, I don't think anyone should argue that white people shouldn't marry other white people.

    The truth is that SOME forms of interracial marriages do appear to have a higher divorce rate than others, at least for marriages that began during certain periods. But it doesn't appear that simply being interracial increases the risk and marrying someone of your own race doesn't necessarily lower the risk.

    That article also cites a statistic that shows a marriage with a Black wife and a white husband was 44% LESS likely to end in divorce than white/white marriages over the same time period. You note this in your post, but I think it's pretty relevant to the basis of your argument and shouldn't just be glossed over.

    The truth appears to be that some particular pairings -- both inter- and intraracial -- do have a higher divorce rate than others. Some interracial pairings appear more stable than some intraracial ones. The bottom line is that if you're looking to reduce your rate of getting divorced, it's probably much smarter to focus on things like compatible lifestyle goals and values, argument styles, support structures, and chemistry instead of the race of your partner.


    This is precisely my point and thought process. There’s so many variables to consider, and it’s even more important to note that not all interracial relationships can be put in the same box. Thank you for breaking down the source so well, as it’s important to have a more well rounded understanding, especially for those who have their biases. I would wager to say for each passing generation, those statistics will change dramatically.
  • ninerbuffninerbuff Member, Greeter, Premium Posts: 44,292 Member Member, Greeter, Premium Posts: 44,292 Member
    msalicia07 wrote: »
    A little background information-

    I’m a Caucasian, blonde, blue eyed female, American. My husband is Asian, has dark features, about my height, close to my weight, and his family fled the Khmer Rouge (he is 1st generation American). We are both in our early 30’s.

    In another thread it was commented that marrying your race and culture creates more compatibility. Another poster said race is just aesthetics and that proximity, as well as personality, are what make relationships compatible. I didn’t want to derail the thread so thought it would be an interesting topic to discuss, as I myself am in an interracial marriage.

    I have found people have incredibly strong opinions about what they think makes a relationship compatible, and we are subject to comments and questions nearly everyday about our relationship. Mostly it’s when my husband is at the hospital and shows a picture of us, his associates are astounded I’m a blonde white female.

    Because of him I have learned about the world of prearranged marriages, and how common they still are. I’ve learned many new customs, food preparations, and 2 new languages. But in no way did I feel these differences meant we weren’t compatible. It was our outlook on life that deciphered that.

    Any thoughts and personal experiences? The more I dive into this the more I realize there is a world of belief systems that are being passed down, and I’d like to know what they are and why you believe them.
    My personal opinion on this is that many Americans really have no idea how to adapt to certain cultures. Notice I said many. We have so many freedoms here in America and when some see something like a female being more subservient to their husband based on culture, some freak out and say that it's America and that shouldn't be observed here. According to whom? If a culture follows certain traditions and it's their choice, then why have a voice of opposition if that person has absolutely NOTHING to do with it?
    I'll also say that from just watching shows like 90 Fiance and how some Americans go to other countries and disrespect how that country follows their culture leaves me with the understanding when countries say that Americans are some of the rudest people on Earth.
    I'm born and raised American. I'm of Filipino decent. I do follow a lot of Filipino culture especially where it comes to respect of elders regardless if they are your family or not. We have some non Filipinos in my family tree and they adapt to our culture when it comes to family gatherings, parties, weddings, funerals, etc.
    But IMO, while I do not care whether there is interracial relationships, I DO believe that if one does have a relationship with someone of their own race, there are less problems especially with those who though they may be fine with adaptation, friends and family DON'T seem to do as well. And when opposing families get to disagreeing how the relationship should be, that puts a lot of pressure on the couple themselves.


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    edited February 4
  • Ddsb11Ddsb11 Member Posts: 529 Member Member Posts: 529 Member
    My fiancé is Asian. I am Black. We live in NYC. You would think it would be a forward thinking place to live, however we encountered more racism from his family, ex friends and random people here than anywhere.

    Sadly, at least from the people I know in interracial relationships, families can be some of the most opposed.

    Both of our kids have dated outside of our race. The absolute only concern we've had is how that partner treats our kids (and vice versa -- our kids should respect their mates too). I think, too often, parents use the excuse of "you'll encounter racism and I'm worried..." as a way to justify their own racism and fear of dating outside the race. My parents raised us to not say anything racist, even in private (which is a good thing), but their actions when we dated outside of our race told a different story. Generational growth and evolution is important.

    To me, I worry as a parent more about cultural differences (more from other countries than interracial in the US), mostly for my daughter -- who is very independent. Many cultures are very sexist -- certainly not saying that there aren't sexist men in the US.

    Any relationship which starts with good communication, attraction, respect and compromise can work.

    This speaks volumes on how generational norms try to influence the decisions of younger generations without having an understanding of the evolving culture. Even if they mean well, everyone has to take responsibility for asking questions and doing research before passing down racial and sexist belief systems.

    Your approach to parenting should be common place. Well done!
  • ninerbuffninerbuff Member, Greeter, Premium Posts: 44,292 Member Member, Greeter, Premium Posts: 44,292 Member
    gigius72 wrote: »
    In my country we have a saying: "wives and cows only from your villages".
    I'm sure if you go back a few centuries that really made sense... Or people used to think so.
    Nowadays I don't think so. There is a wider knowledge of other people's traditions. So you know what you are getting into when you start a relationship.
    I'm Italian and my wife American. She doesn't speak my language and I had to learn hers. She's very tall clear skin, I'm very short with Mediterranean skin color. She believes in a religion, I'm atheist. Completely different backgrounds as you can see.
    We've been married for 20 years and our relationship is still working great. Sure we've had our differences sometimes like in every relationship, but that was not due to the fact that we come from 2 different worlds. I fell in love with her personality, not with the fact that she eats turkey on Thanksgiving day and I don't even have a Thanksgiving day.
    How do your families react though on both sides? Is there any contention with you being Atheist and her family side religious? And vice versa?


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  • ninerbuffninerbuff Member, Greeter, Premium Posts: 44,292 Member Member, Greeter, Premium Posts: 44,292 Member
    My fiancé is Asian. I am Black. We live in NYC. You would think it would be a forward thinking place to live, however we encountered more racism from his family, ex friends and random people here than anywhere.
    Hate to say it, but a lot of Asians (espeically older ones) have this stupid belief that African Americans shouldn't be mixed in their family. I still don't really know why either. My grandmother (who passed in '83) was prejudice against African Americans. Always asked me why they would come over to the house. She wasn't mean to them, but then again she wasn't that accomodating to them either.


    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

    9285851.png
  • ninerbuffninerbuff Member, Greeter, Premium Posts: 44,292 Member Member, Greeter, Premium Posts: 44,292 Member
    My fiancé is Asian. I am Black. We live in NYC. You would think it would be a forward thinking place to live, however we encountered more racism from his family, ex friends and random people here than anywhere.

    Sadly, at least from the people I know in interracial relationships, families can be some of the most opposed.

    I agree. Luckily we had no problems cutting people out of our lives. He hasn't spoken to his toxic sister in over 10 years now. His parents live close to us but we hardly see them.
    What saddens me here is if it's like that with family, how are the kids treated and how do they try to relate to aunts, uncles, and grandparents?

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

    9285851.png

  • Chef_BarbellChef_Barbell Member Posts: 6,277 Member Member Posts: 6,277 Member
    ninerbuff wrote: »
    My fiancé is Asian. I am Black. We live in NYC. You would think it would be a forward thinking place to live, however we encountered more racism from his family, ex friends and random people here than anywhere.

    Sadly, at least from the people I know in interracial relationships, families can be some of the most opposed.

    I agree. Luckily we had no problems cutting people out of our lives. He hasn't spoken to his toxic sister in over 10 years now. His parents live close to us but we hardly see them.
    What saddens me here is if it's like that with family, how are the kids treated and how do they try to relate to aunts, uncles, and grandparents?

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

    9285851.png

    At least with his family, it's all full of toxic narcissistic people that we all cut off many years ago. 🤷‍♀️
  • Ddsb11Ddsb11 Member Posts: 529 Member Member Posts: 529 Member
    ninerbuff wrote: »
    My fiancé is Asian. I am Black. We live in NYC. You would think it would be a forward thinking place to live, however we encountered more racism from his family, ex friends and random people here than anywhere.
    Hate to say it, but a lot of Asians (espeically older ones) have this stupid belief that African Americans shouldn't be mixed in their family. I still don't really know why either. My grandmother (who passed in '83) was prejudice against African Americans. Always asked me why they would come over to the house. She wasn't mean to them, but then again she wasn't that accomodating to them either.


    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

    9285851.png

    Genuinely curious- so the mere chance that this may happen, due to outdated thinking of older generations, it’s just easier to date your own race? This doesn’t seem like a compatibility issue, this seems like an ethical issue in the family, and that cycle needs to be broken.

    My husband’s Asian Buddhist family has embraced me and my family with open arms, and my White Conservative family has embraced him and his family. Although my family will say embarrassing or ignorant things from time to time, trying to be accommodating, there is nothing but love. This is very possible, and it’s happening more and more. We don’t get to a place of unity by avoiding people due to their race and marrying out of convenience.

    As far as sharing and respecting customs, I wouldn’t use 90 day Fiancé as a source on how Americans can’t respect other cultures. And if there was an issue regarding gender roles, then that would be a compatibility issue, not a race issue. Believe me, there’s plenty of white boys with that mindset as well that I wouldn’t touch with a 10 foot pole.
    edited February 4
  • Speakeasy76Speakeasy76 Member Posts: 308 Member Member Posts: 308 Member
    I don't think that relationship compatibility really has to do a whole lot with race, but cultural differences may play a part. The reason I say that is that I think relationships tend to work better if both partners share a lot of the same values and perspective in life, and I think our culture can shape that. If both partners can genuinely learn about and come to appreciate their cultural differences (if there are any) and come to a general common ground on their values, I think whatever cultural differences they may have shouldn't be a hindrance to their relationship.

    There is the issue that people in interracial couples could unfortunately face negativity and racism from the outside world, including family, which obviously if you were both of the same race they wouldn't face. As long as the couple is a united front in how to deal with it, even with the possibility of it being close family members, I still think it could work...and in fact make them stronger as a couple as those who don't have to deal with that.

    Having said that, I'm a white Anglo-Saxon married to another Anglo-Saxon, but have dated a bit outside of my race. We didn't last not because of differences in race, but other normal couple stuff.
  • janejellyrolljanejellyroll Member, Premium Posts: 24,806 Member Member, Premium Posts: 24,806 Member
    msalicia07 wrote: »
    Mellouk89 wrote: »
    I'm on mobile right now and can't link anything but there's a Wikipedia page on interracial marriage in the US, you can look at the academic research. It says for example that white men/black women couples are less likely to divorce than white/white couples, which is surprising. It depends on gender and which racial group.

    But overall there is a higher rate of divorce for interracial couples, you can look at the statistics there.

    The Wikipedia article says that the risk is particularly high for couples marrying in the late 80s. Fortunately that is a risk factor that 100% of couples getting married today can avoid.

    Did you notice the table in that article says that Black/Black marriages have the highest rate of divorce of the possible pairings noted? Yet I don't think anyone would imagine using that the argue that Black people should avoid intraracial marriages (I hope not anyway!). Also according to that table, interracial marriages between whites and Asians actually have a lower divorce rate than white/white pairings. But again, I don't think anyone should argue that white people shouldn't marry other white people.

    The truth is that SOME forms of interracial marriages do appear to have a higher divorce rate than others, at least for marriages that began during certain periods. But it doesn't appear that simply being interracial increases the risk and marrying someone of your own race doesn't necessarily lower the risk.

    That article also cites a statistic that shows a marriage with a Black wife and a white husband was 44% LESS likely to end in divorce than white/white marriages over the same time period. You note this in your post, but I think it's pretty relevant to the basis of your argument and shouldn't just be glossed over.

    The truth appears to be that some particular pairings -- both inter- and intraracial -- do have a higher divorce rate than others. Some interracial pairings appear more stable than some intraracial ones. The bottom line is that if you're looking to reduce your rate of getting divorced, it's probably much smarter to focus on things like compatible lifestyle goals and values, argument styles, support structures, and chemistry instead of the race of your partner.


    This is precisely my point and thought process. There’s so many variables to consider, and it’s even more important to note that not all interracial relationships can be put in the same box. Thank you for breaking down the source so well, as it’s important to have a more well rounded understanding, especially for those who have their biases. I would wager to say for each passing generation, those statistics will change dramatically.

    I think it would be foolish to underestimate the impact that lack of social/family support can have on relationship health. This isn't to say that some people can't make it work in the face of disapproval, obviously that happens. But for many people, marriage is going to be harder if people around you are generally assuming that your partnership is doomed or that your marriage shouldn't have happened.

    I'd like to think we're improving -- at least in some areas -- in social and family approval of interracial marriages so I wouldn't at all be surprised to see at least some change in divorce rates related to that.
  • Ddsb11Ddsb11 Member Posts: 529 Member Member Posts: 529 Member
    msalicia07 wrote: »
    Mellouk89 wrote: »
    I'm on mobile right now and can't link anything but there's a Wikipedia page on interracial marriage in the US, you can look at the academic research. It says for example that white men/black women couples are less likely to divorce than white/white couples, which is surprising. It depends on gender and which racial group.

    But overall there is a higher rate of divorce for interracial couples, you can look at the statistics there.

    The Wikipedia article says that the risk is particularly high for couples marrying in the late 80s. Fortunately that is a risk factor that 100% of couples getting married today can avoid.

    Did you notice the table in that article says that Black/Black marriages have the highest rate of divorce of the possible pairings noted? Yet I don't think anyone would imagine using that the argue that Black people should avoid intraracial marriages (I hope not anyway!). Also according to that table, interracial marriages between whites and Asians actually have a lower divorce rate than white/white pairings. But again, I don't think anyone should argue that white people shouldn't marry other white people.

    The truth is that SOME forms of interracial marriages do appear to have a higher divorce rate than others, at least for marriages that began during certain periods. But it doesn't appear that simply being interracial increases the risk and marrying someone of your own race doesn't necessarily lower the risk.

    That article also cites a statistic that shows a marriage with a Black wife and a white husband was 44% LESS likely to end in divorce than white/white marriages over the same time period. You note this in your post, but I think it's pretty relevant to the basis of your argument and shouldn't just be glossed over.

    The truth appears to be that some particular pairings -- both inter- and intraracial -- do have a higher divorce rate than others. Some interracial pairings appear more stable than some intraracial ones. The bottom line is that if you're looking to reduce your rate of getting divorced, it's probably much smarter to focus on things like compatible lifestyle goals and values, argument styles, support structures, and chemistry instead of the race of your partner.


    This is precisely my point and thought process. There’s so many variables to consider, and it’s even more important to note that not all interracial relationships can be put in the same box. Thank you for breaking down the source so well, as it’s important to have a more well rounded understanding, especially for those who have their biases. I would wager to say for each passing generation, those statistics will change dramatically.

    I think it would be foolish to underestimate the impact that lack of social/family support can have on relationship health. This isn't to say that some people can't make it work in the face of disapproval, obviously that happens. But for many people, marriage is going to be harder if people around you are generally assuming that your partnership is doomed or that your marriage shouldn't have happened.

    I'd like to think we're improving -- at least in some areas -- in social and family approval of interracial marriages so I wouldn't at all be surprised to see at least some change in divorce rates related to that.

    There in lies the vicious cycle for some- family doesn’t support the couple, puts pressure on the relationship, the couple ends it, and the family says, “See! I told you!” It’s a self fulfilling prophecy, all based on race and not on true compatibility. One generation at a time we are breaking barriers, trying to be part of the solution and not part of the problem. Family pressure based on race is just one of the many variables that effect relationships, and an unnecessary variable.
    edited February 4
  • Chef_BarbellChef_Barbell Member Posts: 6,277 Member Member Posts: 6,277 Member
    I ironically had more issues in my previous same race relationship from his family and friends than this one. My current partner had no issues cutting people off who didn't have our best interests at heart. My ex fed into the drama from his family and friends and along with other issues, that ultimately ended the relationship.
  • goal06082021goal06082021 Member Posts: 524 Member Member Posts: 524 Member
    ninerbuff wrote: »
    My fiancé is Asian. I am Black. We live in NYC. You would think it would be a forward thinking place to live, however we encountered more racism from his family, ex friends and random people here than anywhere.
    Hate to say it, but a lot of Asians (espeically older ones) have this stupid belief that African Americans shouldn't be mixed in their family. I still don't really know why either. My grandmother (who passed in '83) was prejudice against African Americans. Always asked me why they would come over to the house. She wasn't mean to them, but then again she wasn't that accomodating to them either.


    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

    9285851.png

    We knew it going in... at least he did. His own mother said don't bring any Blacks or Hispanics home to his sister while he was little.

    Luckily he didn't listen or grow up ignorant and racist. Together 10 years strong.

    Yikes on bikes, MIL...Glad you're making it work.

    Re: the conversation above about divorce statistics. It's important to remember that divorce is not actually a bad thing! The marriages that don't end in divorce, end in death, and when divorce becomes legal/easier/more common, the number of "accidental deaths" of spouses goes way down. I think the fact that the numbers are all over the place for different racial configurations of couples indicates that the effect of race on the long-term viability of a marriage is stronger at the systemic level than the individual level - race affects so many other things, which in turn have an effect on one's relationships, as opposed to the relationship succeeding or failing because the people involved are XYZ race(s).
  • Ddsb11Ddsb11 Member Posts: 529 Member Member Posts: 529 Member
    I ironically had more issues in my previous same race relationship from his family and friends than this one. My current partner had no issues cutting people off who didn't have our best interests at heart. My ex fed into the drama from his family and friends and along with other issues, that ultimately ended the relationship.

    I was thinking about this earlier. Families in general can dislike someone for a myriad of reasons, but it shouldn’t stop us from dating someone because there might be a personal clash. Sorry you’ve had *kitten* family support from the partners side.
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