Has Anyone Else Experienced “Eye Contact Haters”?

springlering62

This quote is stolen from another thread. I thought this particular part of her excellent post was really interesting.

Beverly2Hansen wrote: »

… when obese people look at me bouncing through my walk with clear resentment which happens about once a week I just ignore it because I started struggling to walk 1 block. It took time hard work and persistence.

Has anyone else experienced this? I’m so glad Beverly brought it up. I thought it was just me.

I’ve experienced it a bit, and have been amused and flattered in the “Oh, if only you knew me before” fashion.

But I was particularly shaken up last night when walking through an outdoor restaurant seating area a block from home on my evening circuit. I’d been to the gym, and was still in bright leggings and a tank.

Some random woman diner glared daggers at me. I mean if looks could have killed, they’d’ve had to scrape me off the sidewalk. Outright hatred.

I don’t want to grant her power by calling it upsetting, but it was sure unsettling. Like she’d physically slapped me.

Btw I’ve read some of Beverly’s other posts, and where she’s come from, and all props to her. Honey, you’ve earned every yearning, envious stare and then some.

alancorey1979

You should carry a disposable camera with you and ask the next person to take pictures while you pose for them.

NC_Girl

My husband and I went into a local gym to decide if we wanted to join or not. I was standing there with my baggy shorts (70 lbs down) when a group of women came in. Probably my weight when I started but that hadn't even crossed my mind when I first saw them. I saw women 'period'. I smiled but distinctly got that judgment look. Of course I took it just as you did.... and I must admit it caught me a little off guard. When we left all I could think... was 'if you only knew!'. It's taken me a year and a half to get to a normal BMI. I'm 60 and a bunch of lose skin...and now I need strength. I can't let that stop me. I'm going for it all! Love me or hate me.... God gave me this body and by golly its time I respected it!

sisxena

Well, this is unsettling. makes me think of the saying damned if you do and damned if you don't! However thank God we let it slide and move on with our lives. Regretfully there are a LOT who don't let it slide. And this makes them quit even. my question is; is it so hard for us to just give a smile and move on with our lives? Why do we have to hate each other? we all know the struggle and how we made it, or how we are still trying to make it. There is enough hate out there for us to be hating each other because of our weight! Thanks for sharing. I am glad to know that it is not only I that go thru this!

Sand_TIger

Whatever their reasons for glaring, whether it's disappointment in themselves, envy, or anything else, they don't need to be glaring. Passing out hugs to all here. I haven't had to deal with the "hateface" much but I expect I will once I come back to work and a few hundred people find that one of the most overweight people there is now at a healthy weight.

I decided to edit because I thought of another possibility. Many of us, myself included, have Resting (grump) Face. We just naturally look sad, tired, or upset, or whatever, because of the way our faces are when our muscles are relaxed. So a normal intent look can look like a glare quite easily. Not making excuses for anyone but presenting another possibility in case some of these people really aren't meaning to glare. Or maybe they really are hatey little haterhates - that's very possible too - if so I hope they get over it!

AnnPT77

IMO, maybe it's just because I'm bad at interpreting social cues, but I think it's quite difficult to know what another random person (stranger) is really thinking.

Friends/acquaintances are frequently wrong in their interpretation of what I'm thinking (I guess based on facial expression), and they actually know me. One co-worker, smart guy who knew me well, would actually seem to get in arguments with my face, thinking I was objecting to his initial statements, and putting up better arguments after looking at me, when I was just thinking about lunch or whatever. It was bizarre.

In another online environment, one with a lot of single 55+ woman, there was one woman who said she didn't like to go out to eat at Denny's or whatever, because all of the women our age who were there with their husbands would glare at her and think she was there to steal their man. In that specific case, pretty sure there was more projection than reality. (Others in the group suggested maybe the women were glaring because they wanted to be alone like her, not saddled with the doofus across the table from them. 😉)

IOW, in some cases, what we think people think can be more about us, than about them, IMO. There may be un-thought-of interpretations of the same facial expressions. Or not.

A former friend used to fuss (to her table, not the target person) about pretty much any woman wearing leggings, whatever the woman's size ("legging are not pants" was a key quote 😆). I don't know whether she glared at leggings-wearers. Maybe. She's obese, but as far as I could tell, it wasn't a thinness/fitness thing, just an opinionated person thing.

I've noticed some differences in how people, strangers and those I know, react to me now that I'm thin, but I haven't noticed the effect you describe. I'm slim and strong ("toned" I suppose, whatever that means), probably statistically unusually so for my age (65), plus quick and pretty agile, but not overall aspirationally cute (not cute at all, actually). I do tend to dress in non-eyecatching ways (all my leggings are various shades of gray, though I do have a bunch of neon t-shirts for biking/rowing safety, but the t-shirts are cheap unisex crew-necks . . . I quite often wear those things, or the occasional tank with skinny jeans, out in public). Maybe the haters don't notice me, because camo. 🤷‍♀️

syreni303

I am severely obese. But I always smile and try to be nice to everyone. I may look at someone's body and think "wow, I hope I look that good someday" but I've never been mean or gawked at someone over it. Sorry that was your experience.

chocolate_owl

I guess I'm a possible look-giver. I joined a gym about a month ago. It's definitely flashier than any gym I've been in before - lots of very fit women wearing sports bras or crop tops. I try very hard to not stare, but I guess I sometimes do, especially if they're on a treadmill in front of me. I hope I'm not glaring daggers at these poor girls, but I might be? I get lost in my own very bitter thoughts, and I'm not sure my expression is the nicest.

I *was* those girls 7 years ago, before my back gave out. I was an early 20-something who ran and lifted and was focused on getting even fitter. And then my genetics decided that nope, that wasn't a thing I could actually do, and I slowly gained 50 lbs from moving a lot less, from eating being one of the few reliable pleasures in my life, from drinking to deal with the pain. The surgery I needed wasn't covered by my insurance until recently, and even then it was only partially covered, so I had to scrape together $25K of my own money to get a semblance of my life back. Even then, I will never squat or deadlift a barbell again. I *may* be able to run, but I may not be. I really enjoyed doing those things. They made me feel pretty awesome. The elliptical and the machine weights do not make me feel awesome, and it's kind of unpleasant seeing people doing things you love to do and you just...can't.

So to those women who might catch me giving them an ugly look, I really don't mean to, and I don't hate you. I don't begrudge you your health or your fitness at all. I definitely think you should wear whatever you feel good in. But I am still very bitter about the hand I've been dealt, and I'm jealous that you get to do the things I want to do, and I really miss my old body that looked a lot more like yours. I haven't felt good about myself or comfortable in my skin in a long time. I feel frumpy, weak, and sad. I wish I could hide those emotions 100% of the time, but some days it really gets to me.

poisonesse

Any time, throughout my life, that I've noticed someone shooting daggers at me that I don't know, I always do the same thing. I smile, a huge, tooth showing grin. It means I must be doing something right.

goal06082021

I'm pretty sure no one is paying THAT much attention to me, and if they are, that's their problem?? I guarantee I don't have the power to ruin anyone's day just by existing in public where people can see me. I'm not here for you boo, go about your business and I'll go about mine, thanks.

tiptoethruthetulips

While it may have felt the glare was directed it at you, what if wasn't. She could have been thinking about something else that was personal to her.

wunderkindking

Every last thing Ann said. I have had too many people think I am mad at them or hate them because I'm a shy introvert with a resting witch face. I've ALSO thought people hated me when in reality they were socially anxious or had something going on int heir life at the point we met that had nothing to do with me.

Or, put more simply: I am not a telepath, and "What other people think of me is none of my business" (don't remember who said it, but it's a quote I live by).

goal06082021

wunderkindking wrote: »

Every last thing Ann said. I have had too many people think I am mad at them or hate them because I'm a shy introvert with a resting witch face. I've ALSO thought people hated me when in reality they were socially anxious or had something going on int heir life at the point we met that had nothing to do with me.

Or, put more simply: I am not a telepath, and "What other people think of me is none of my business" (don't remember who said it, but it's a quote I live by).

This, exactly. No one thinks about you as much as you think they do, and even if they do, that's none of your concern. I choose to believe that people making faces in my direction has nothing to do with me unless and until someone says something out loud with words to me specifically about it - otherwise that's borrowing trouble and taking on emotional work that I don't need to do, for no good reason.

deputy_randolph

Sometimes it isn't you persay that people are giving ugly looks...someone else said, there is a possibility it is something like leggings. I know I had a disapproving look on my face at the gym the other day. A women was wearing a "shirt" where her breasts were literally sticking out of the sides of the "shirt." The "shirt" was literally about a 4 inch strap that went inbetween her breasts.

Seriously, wear what you want...but that was just silly. She should have just gone shirtless...aaaaand eventually she did go shirtless. I was annoyed by her shirt.

People are annoyed by random weird things that really have little rhyme or reason. I wouldn't let it bother me.

ksharrell48

Lol. My first thought reading the title of this post was the OP kept running into people who hated making eye contact;) It's funny because I was going to sympathize if that was the case! When I go out for a walk around my neighborhood, several folks act as though I'm not inches from them as they cross my path. Anyway, those are musings for another thread, obviously;)

kyndread71

To those folks just starting off, and you're still self-conscious and ashamed because you think, "Oh.... I'm so fat and out of shape.... I'm probably making a fool out of myself...."

YOU'RE LAPPING EVERYONE SITTING ON THE COUCH

AnnPT77

I was thinking about this on my bike ride, so I want to add to my PP about the enigma that is other people, especially strangers:

There are definitely people with resentments, IMO, whether they're out shooting eye-daggers or not.

Sometimes, in something like Facebook, I'll see an ad for some fitness or diet thingie, with a photo of some slim person possibly in a somewhat challenging stretchy-bendy-twisty pose. I've learned that there's amusement value to me (my problem, I'm weird! 😉) in clicking on the comments. There's almost always some resentful snark. "If I could do that, I wouldn't need the program", "try doing that when you're over 50!" (that kind of thing is especially entertaining when the stretchy-bendy-twisty thing is something I can do, at 65), etc. I'm not surprised people think things like that, but surprised that they take the time and energy to share their Mary-Sunshine personalities with the world.

So, I should maybe double down on the "maybe it's just because I'm bad at interpreting social cues" part of my PP. But generally, once I've decided what I'm doing is fine, I mostly don't care what other people think.

MySweetLavinia

Honestly, they're probably not even thinking about you. I mean that in a positive way! People always believe I'm giving them dirty looks because I apparently have RBF (resting b**** face), but I'm usually thinking about something totally benign. Like cats, or books, what I'm going to eat for dinner.

Even if it is a mean look- there's tons of reasons someone might be doing that (personal problems, tired, hungry, bad mood, thinking about something upsetting, even squinting to see can seem like a dirty look!), or it could even be you mistakenly feeling like people are judging you. So there's a good chance it isn't actually directed at you.

Xiaolongbao

Think about this a little. If you have been a person who has been obese or overweight (or are now) did you ever glare at people in exercise clothing? I'm sorry but it seems VERY unlikely to me that this is a real thing that happens frequently. Not saying it never happens but I really doubt that once a week someone is getting the evil eye simply for being out walking in a jaunty manner (which is what was claimed). In my experience the more overweight someone is the more likely they are to be overly polite and accommodating - even if you are doing something that deserves being glared at.

wunderkindking

Xiaolongbao wrote: »

Think about this a little. If you have been a person who has been obese or overweight (or are now) did you ever glare at people in exercise clothing? I'm sorry but it seems VERY unlikely to me that this is a real thing that happens frequently. Not saying it never happens but I really doubt that once a week someone is getting the evil eye simply for being out walking in a jaunty manner (which is what was claimed). In my experience the more overweight someone is the more likely they are to be overly polite and accommodating - even if you are doing something that deserves being glared at.

This.

though in defense of that feeling, I think a lot of people who were recently obese or overweight are somewhat sensitized toward feeling like people are thinking Bad Things about them and being insecure in how they are perceived. See also that overly polite and accommodating thing.

Kevvboy

I was sitting at the bar of a True Food Kitchen when the waiter delivered all 3 of my courses at once. Soup, salad, app. 800 calories total. My second meal of the day. A very "fit" couple came to pick up their takeout order. I guess they thought their masks concealed the sound of their voices, because they immediately started discussing me and my weight and the size of the order in front of me. "250 if he's a day," the man said. "No, this one here. Right here. Right here." I stared them into silence. My main thought was, yeah you look at me and see a fat guy overeating, I look at me and see a guy who was 60 lbs. heavier six months ago and is eating perfectly on plan. Walk a mile in my shoes, you fitties!

celadon12

Overweight people get glared at a lot because people, idk, don't understand that they're human beings and they enjoy being mean. But as for a plethora of overweight people glaring at joggers . . . that sounds like anxiety. When you have anxiety, it can seem like all eye are on you, all the time. But most people don't go around obsessing about strangers they happened to glance.

If people are seriously glaring at you once per week while you jog, then there's some other factor at play. Like an offensive tattoo or something. Or you're wearing a Team Jacob shirt and are in a hardcore Team Edward neighborhood.

wunderkindking

As another random observation - and just a personal experience, not claiming it's universal - from someone who is a newish runner:

PEOPLE ARE ALMOST ANNOYINGLY FRIENDLY TO ME NOW. But only when I'm running. I don't know what the deal is, but I go out to jog people smile, they wave, they want to stop and chat and I'm just flummoxed. Same route, same time, same people and I walk? They ignore me. Something about me jogging I guess just looks more approchable or, more likely, weird luck and confirmation bias.

kathcandu

In the little town I live in, there's a central park, that is surrounded by a pretty nice sidewalk. Many people walk that for exercise. A couple of years back, while I was driving past (where I, myself, should have been walking), I saw a woman, about my same size, walking on the walkway, alone. She wasn't gracefully gliding, but nearly flat-footed, struggling along, obviously winded and tired.

I beeped my horn, as I stopped at the corner stop sign. I'm sure she was expecting rude comments or worse, as she turned her head and glared at me. I threw a "thumbs up" to her. Her face, beamed with a huge, lovely smile and she seemed to gain renewed stamina, when encouraged!

I've just now lost 37#. My goal, now that I'm recovering from some health issues, which prevented me, is to start walking, for exercise. I will work my way up, to making it around the little park. And, I will remember that woman, as I do! To this day, I regret not parking my car and walking with her...I may have missed making a Friend & walking buddy. I hope we, too, look for the opportunity to uplift others ~kath

ninerbuff

What people may perceive ISN'T what the looker may be thinking. About a year and a half ago, I had a juiced up male about my age come up to me and asked why I kept staring at him in the gym. Now I survey the gym on a daily basis checking to see of members are putting weights away and/or are doing exercises correctly. I don't "stare" at people intently. Any he got in my face and started to get aggressive. I told him he needed to step back and re explain why he thinks I was staring at him. Long story short, he basically threatened me and my general manager and regional manager at the time saw it happening. They intervened and he had his membership revoked from our location (he was from another location using his pass). Haven't seen the guy since.

On a personal note, IDGAF about what people think about me, how I look, what I wear etc. If it bothers them, it's their problem not mine. Probably why I'm oblivious about whether people look at me or not.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

Catherine_and_Hobbes

Back when I went to the gym (I now workout in a home gym), I hated this type of brief interaction. I always went at the same time which meant half the time I saw those same people. I just made it a point to smile when making eye contact and eventually waving hello if I saw them repeatedly. I'm SUPER not like this, but I always wanted people to know I was supportive of their efforts without us ever having to say a word to each other. I swear it made a world of difference!

AlexandraFindsHerself1971

The only reason I have ever glared at someone at the gym is someone (usually a dude) camped out in a machine I want to use. If you're resting between sets, great. I only do one set at this point, let me work in. I'll be done before you need it again.

springlering62

I’ve been afraid to return to my thread, for fear I’d be flamed by people over vanity.

The replies are absolutely as fascinating, and diverse as each poster.

Small town with large central park and walking trails. You can’t help but walk through crowds at the fountain area, picnickers and frisbee throwers on the lawn, and sidewalk diners to get home.

I like Beverly’s (sorry for some reason can’t use the @ sign in the app lately to reference other members) description. I’m a jaunty walker, too. I’m so damn happy to be light on my feet, and moving at will it feels like I’m on a perpetual cloud of joy. I have to greet everyone on the trail, smile at as many people in the park as possible, and pet as many dogs as I’m able.

Life sometimes feels like the set of Pushing Daisies.

Maybe it’s body language. In the future I’ll consider maybe some people can’t handle happy and jaunty, and just feel sorry for them.

I guess the odds are someone, somewhere is going to frown at you whether you’re fat, thin, happy, sad, beautiful, homely, walking, biking, skating or wheelchairing. Maybe this lady’s husband had just ordered one too many beers at the pub and she was glaring at the sidewalk in general and I got in her line of fire.

tuckerrj

springlering62 wrote: »

I’ve been afraid to return to my thread, for fear I’d be flamed by people over vanity.

The replies are absolutely as fascinating, and diverse as each poster.

I think it may be shock or awe... I've seen pictures of your leggings and they're AMAZING. Haven't seen patterns like that since watching "Laugh-In" back in the early 70's. Psychodelic swirls and shocking rainbow splashes everywhere. You're most likely the envy of every one wearing their grey drab wardrobes!

springlering62

There are beautiful leggings waiting for you at the end of the rainweightbow!

StarvingDiva

I will say I have resting B face. People could possibly think I am sitting in judgement of them and really I'm thinking about all the work I have to do later, or how my toast looked this morning. On the other end, I rarely notice anyone else while out and about and think they are looking at me or judging me (unless of course I hear a comment which I have). I am kind of oblivious in that way, people will drive by me and wave and I'm paying attention to the road and never hear. I've never thought, wow that person is staring at me, but I have heard a man comment to his friend that I was fat looking at my arms, this was after I had lost 90 lbs, more than half way to my goal and I although it stung to hear that I was thinking, boy if you only knew buddy.