Has Anyone Else Experienced “Eye Contact Haters”?

2»

Replies

  • kyndread71
    kyndread71 Posts: 41 Member
    BLUF (Bottom-Line, Up Front) --

    When you made the decision to lose weight, or eat better, or get in shape -- You are doing this FOR YOU. You're not doing it "for them."

    If they wanna hate, let 'em hate. Misery loves company, so don't entertain it.
  • Speakeasy76
    Speakeasy76 Posts: 961 Member
    I haven't really ever noticed overweight or obese people glaring at me in any way, and being a self-conscious person in general I feel like I would notice it. I will say, though, that in certain settings I feel self-conscious about being the "fit" person in a group. For example, in my dance classes I think most people can tell by now (if I wear a tank top, at least) that I work out. Some have actually commented on it before. These are actual dance classes, not dance fitness classes, so not everybody (if not most people) don't. I don't want people to think I'm showing off by wearing tank tops or certain more "revealing" clothes (like a crop top, for example) that I"d feel comfortable in wearing to the gym. I'm weird like that.

    And even though this wasn't the original point of the post, I'm not going lie and say I'm not a bit judgmental when it comes to some of the outfits girls (and they are usually like teenage/college-age) wear to the gym. It's kinda obvious they do it for attention..,there was actually a girl/woman there posing in the mirror. Maybe she was practicing for a show, I don't know? I don't glare at them, and I know it's no business of mine and as long and what they're doing is not affecting me in any way. I also I wouldn't look bad in some of the things they wear either, except my skin is a lot older than theirs.
  • paperpudding
    paperpudding Posts: 9,281 Member
    springlering62 wrote: »
    I’ve been afraid to return to my thread, for fear I’d be flamed by people over vanity.

    The replies are absolutely as fascinating, and diverse as each poster.

    Small town with large central park and walking trails. You can’t help but walk through crowds at the fountain area, picnickers and frisbee throwers on the lawn, and sidewalk diners to get home.

    I like Beverly’s (sorry for some reason can’t use the @ sign in the app lately to reference other members) description. I’m a jaunty walker, too. I’m so damn happy to be light on my feet, and moving at will it feels like I’m on a perpetual cloud of joy. I have to greet everyone on the trail, smile at as many people in the park as possible, and pet as many dogs as I’m able.

    Life sometimes feels like the set of Pushing Daisies.

    Maybe it’s body language. In the future I’ll consider maybe some people can’t handle happy and jaunty, and just feel sorry for them.

    I guess the odds are someone, somewhere is going to frown at you whether you’re fat, thin, happy, sad, beautiful, homely, walking, biking, skating or wheelchairing. Maybe this lady’s husband had just ordered one too many beers at the pub and she was glaring at the sidewalk in general and I got in her line of fire.



    I don't think it is vanity - but I do think there is some projection happening - meaning people are not staring at you as much as you think they are nor thinking what you think they are thinking if they are.
  • AnnPT77
    AnnPT77 Posts: 34,204 Member
    FWIW: I was back with my regular rowing double partner today, and after rowing we went for a walk. I tried out this "people staring daggers at thin people" idea on her, because she's way (way) more sensitive to other humans than I am, and is a one of those "always been slim" people. She's 6' tall, elegant proportions, fine delicate bones, and she does wear workout gear (leggings, close-fit tops) out in public. While she's always been slim, she's found athleticism in the past decade or so, so is now quite fit-looking as well as slim, and dresses very elegantly (even in casual styles, she chooses special looks).

    I had to explain the whole concept to her, because it was interesting and kind of an alien concept, big surprise to her as an idea. Take that however you may. She was very clear that although she'd been raised in an "aspire to be ultra-thin and fashionable/beautiful" social context (her dad was a major ad man in the "Mad Men" era), she now doesn't much care what others think, which is a psychological counter-force to noticing "look daggers at thin/fit people" idea.

    I thought it was interesting to interrogate someone who'd never been fat/obese, in this particular context. Make of the report what you will - I'm trying to report the conversation as objectively and even-handedly as I can.
    tuckerrj wrote: »
    springlering62 wrote: »
    I’ve been afraid to return to my thread, for fear I’d be flamed by people over vanity.

    The replies are absolutely as fascinating, and diverse as each poster.

    I think it may be shock or awe... I've seen pictures of your leggings and they're AMAZING. Haven't seen patterns like that since watching "Laugh-In" back in the early 70's. Psychodelic swirls and shocking rainbow splashes everywhere. s You're most likely the envy of every one wearing their grey drab wardrobes!

    May be something in this. I'm "Team Drab Gray", as previously noted. I admit I was a little tempted when I saw I could buy leggings with Beaker muppet (still considering that - I mean, Beaker!).

    I'm pretty sure there are people who'll stare (in whatever way, some maybe resentful) at celebratory color/enthusiasm/body joy. I'm also pretty sure there are people who are judge-y about what *they* perceive as revealing dress (note my PP about leggings-hate regardless of wearer size), or as dressing more colorfully or form-conformingly to what they perceive - fossils that they are - as age-appropriate. If it's that . . . frankly, *baby feline* them.

    Super trivial side note: I go around all flat up top, maybe a little concave, post-bilateral-mastectomy, which is kinda statistically weird. I made it a point, today, wandering the world in tight grey leggings/close-fit teal spaghetti-strap tank, to watch for reactions at farmers market, craft-supplies store, take-out restaurant. Noticed nothing.

    Not doubting that others' mileage varies, because context, location, etc., vary. Just reporting.
  • RunsWithBees
    RunsWithBees Posts: 1,508 Member
    edited June 2021
    d2kojp9zjg3j.jpeg

    Who knows? Maybe she was just not satisfied with her dining experience and wished she had ordered something else. There’s no way to know for sure unless you ask her. I stopped caring what others think (or don’t think!) a long time ago and have been much happier for it.
  • AnnPT77
    AnnPT77 Posts: 34,204 Member
    RunsWithBees wrote: »
    d2kojp9zjg3j.jpeg

    Well, yeah, 100%. Still an interesting speculative question, y'know? 🙂 Do other people notice/react? If so, why/how? Or is it all about our perceptions? Do perceptions differ, between always-thin and former-fat, or other subgroups?

    I think it's an interesting question. YMMV.
  • RunsWithBees
    RunsWithBees Posts: 1,508 Member
    springlering62 wrote: »
    33gail33 wrote: »
    Yeah I am not even sure what is happening in this thread. My first thought would be that walking through a restaurant eating area in sweaty gym clothes might get some dirty looks.
    Are you saying that women often give you dirty looks - and you think it is because you are thin?

    Outdoor restaurant seating lines both narrow sidewalks on both the routes home. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don’t think I’m that foul I’d offend diners, lol.

    I’m going to out on a limb here. Yes. I do get looks. I get comments, too, super nice ones. So it’s not my imagination.

    I have worked harder than you can ever imagine to reshape myself. Maybe it’s the colorful gear, maybe it’s the shock of seeing a greying grandma with guns. Maybe it’s my jaunty step.

    I spent years attempting to “hide” gigantic boobs behind hunching and crossed arms. Same with obesity, hiding under loose tunics. I found myself trying to do the same with my new shape until I finally concluded “ I am doing this….why?”

    So I’m working on my fledgling, seedling confidence, and it very much feels like I’m relearning society at the same time.

    It’s a different set of experiences slim versus fat and that’s not all in my head.

    I sympathize completely with the covering up/hiding of the large chest <3 as someone who has carried an ample bosom since I was 15 I was constantly trying to minimize/hide it with clothing and the hunching of shoulders/back and everything. As I got older I developed a new appreciation of my body and was fed up with feeling like I had to “apologize” for being large chested. I now wear whatever I want, unapologetically and I’m happier, also my posture has improved immensely! Be confident because the only opinion that really matters is your own! Especially if you’ve worked so hard to achieve your fitness, wear it with pride! I hope you never lose that spring in your step <3:)
  • metaphysicalstudio
    metaphysicalstudio Posts: 293 Member
    Kevvboy wrote: »
    I was sitting at the bar of a True Food Kitchen when the waiter delivered all 3 of my courses at once. Soup, salad, app. 800 calories total. My second meal of the day. A very "fit" couple came to pick up their takeout order. I guess they thought their masks concealed the sound of their voices, because they immediately started discussing me and my weight and the size of the order in front of me. "250 if he's a day," the man said. "No, this one here. Right here. Right here." I stared them into silence. My main thought was, yeah you look at me and see a fat guy overeating, I look at me and see a guy who was 60 lbs. heavier six months ago and is eating perfectly on plan. Walk a mile in my shoes, you fitties! :)

    Judgment is an easy pastime. I've felt it myself, come and go, toward other people. For me, it's like I would feel lifted up for a moment by observing how I might be making "better" choices than someone else, etc. I now feel that judgment of the kind you experienced here is just a reflection of their insecurities, honestly. That's what it had always been for me, when I find myself feeling judgy. And you don't need to participate in that. It's not your problem, but their journey
  • 33gail33
    33gail33 Posts: 1,155 Member
    springlering62 wrote: »
    33gail33 wrote: »
    Yeah I am not even sure what is happening in this thread. My first thought would be that walking through a restaurant eating area in sweaty gym clothes might get some dirty looks.
    Are you saying that women often give you dirty looks - and you think it is because you are thin?

    Outdoor restaurant seating lines both narrow sidewalks on both the routes home. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don’t think I’m that foul I’d offend diners, lol.

    I’m going to out on a limb here. Yes. I do get looks. I get comments, too, super nice ones. So it’s not my imagination.

    I have worked harder than you can ever imagine to reshape myself. Maybe it’s the colorful gear, maybe it’s the shock of seeing a greying grandma with guns. Maybe it’s my jaunty step.

    I spent years attempting to “hide” gigantic boobs behind hunching and crossed arms. Same with obesity, hiding under loose tunics. I found myself trying to do the same with my new shape until I finally concluded “ I am doing this….why?”

    So I’m working on my fledgling, seedling confidence, and it very much feels like I’m relearning society at the same time.

    It’s a different set of experiences slim versus fat and that’s not all in my head.

    OK I will take your word for it.

    I was thin-ish and very fit in my 40's (5'10" / 140 lbs) and only fat now (after health issues) in my 50's so I have never experienced being an older (post-menopause) woman in a thinner body.


  • Beverly2Hansen
    Beverly2Hansen Posts: 378 Member
    Let me start with the fact that I get more positive feedback than negative. It's almost exclusively women who shoot the dirty look. It's not RBF either because the expression changes when looking at me. I was very hearing impaired as a child so I use body language and face cues more than most hearing people. I think it's because I walk with purpose(which is mistaken for confidence), I bounce and I have ample T&A dispite being not very big(at least now). Essentially I bounce in an attractive manner and I would guess I remind that person of a lack of confidence they have. Unfortunately while I'm bouncing around looking fabulous I forget I look attractive so it catches me off guard. When I have been heavier in contrast I didn't get looked at like that because I pay enough attention I would've noticed. It's a double edged sword though, at a heavier weight I got almost no super happy positive looks and 0 negative looks. Now I get lots of positive feedback and a weekly glare. I try to smile and hope those people don't think I judge them... I was them or similar. I would hope they know if they're unconfident they can absolutly change one little choice at a time like I am. It's normal for people to *kitten* others and feelings of envy or resentment are common feelings. Unfortunately especially in the US there's a ton of pressure for women to have the perfect body and that plays a role on self image and the assessment we make of others. I noticed it most on a road to my apartment complex where there's nothing but other walkers to look at so I can't ignore it or pretend it's something else. It won't kill me and I'll keep sending those people little smiles hoping to break their thought train and improve their mood.🙂
  • springlering62
    springlering62 Posts: 8,437 Member
    Beverly2Hansen wrote: »
    I was very hearing impaired as a child so I use body language and face cues more than most hearing people.

    Oh. My. God. I was going to mention that I grew up in a hearing impaired household when Total Communication was still a thing and that maybe I was reading body language. But I didn’t want to have to explain it.

    Maybe we are picking up cues others don’t.

    Anyway, your experience very closely mirrors mine. Mine has been 99% positive. I even had some young gal high five me and say,”Looking good, mama” as we passed in the crosswalk a couple days ago. That absolutely made my day.
  • thisvickyruns
    thisvickyruns Posts: 193 Member
    goal06082021 wrote: »
    I'm pretty sure no one is paying THAT much attention to me, and if they are, that's their problem?? I guarantee I don't have the power to ruin anyone's day just by existing in public where people can see me.

    100% this.

    I don't think I've ever taken enough notice of my surroundings to try and make eye contact with anyone who might be looking at me. :laugh:
  • itisjessdarling
    itisjessdarling Posts: 46 Member
    I want to chime in here. I was overweight all through high school at 5'4" and 195lbs, I lost down to 123lbs over a couple of years and noticed what OP is talking about occasionally. I remember one specific time when I was working in a call center and decided to grab a snickers bar from the vending machine. I sat down at my desk and started eating it when the lady next to me (which was overweight) noticed and proceeded to announce loudly to everyone around her "Doesn't it just piss you off to see a skinny person eating a candy bar?" Everyone got a good laugh and it made me super insecure. All I could think was, if she only knew what weight issues I have dealt with would she have said it? Of course 15 years and 3 kids later im back overweight, but when I see a thin person it just motivates me to lose the weight again.

    Maybe the looks are jealousy or it could be from being angry at themselves for being overweight and not doing anything about it when deep down they know they should.
  • wunderkindking
    wunderkindking Posts: 1,615 Member
    I think there is actually some psychology in play that makes people who are overweight/obese sort of... react to people who aren't, anymore.

    And I think one of those is resentment born of the idea that weight is a thing outside their control and that is immutable. I used to sort of believe that. Some people get fat, some don't and it's all just down to luck. That makes it easy to resent the people you see who are luckier than you.

    Unfortunately, the idea that it *isn't* just luck is also a thing that you can't really broach without seeming like a sanctimonious jerk, so usually the answer is still just ignoring what seems to be going on in other people's heads for your own sake.
  • springlering62
    springlering62 Posts: 8,437 Member
    I was reading some fashion blog (not my usual thing but I had gone down a rabbit hole) the other day. The young lady said something to the effect that she although she loved it, wouldn’t wear a certain brand because she herself was trapped in a “privileged” body which wasn’t fair to her roommate, because the brand didn’t carry the roomate’s size.

    She went on to discuss the unfairness of hers and other “privileged bodies” for several paragraphs.

    I was aghast at the mental gymnastics. Plus, my takeaway was that she secretly though her roommate was a fat pig, cramping her style.
  • wunderkindking
    wunderkindking Posts: 1,615 Member
    edited June 2021
    springlering62 wrote: »
    I was reading some fashion blog (not my usual thing but I had gone down a rabbit hole) the other day. The young lady said something to the effect that she although she loved it, wouldn’t wear a certain brand because she herself was trapped in a “privileged” body which wasn’t fair to her roommate, because the brand didn’t carry the roomate’s size.

    She went on to discuss the unfairness of hers and other “privileged bodies” for several paragraphs.

    I was aghast at the mental gymnastics. Plus, my takeaway was that she secretly though her roommate was a fat pig, cramping her style.

    I mean. I'll be honest, if a brand only does small/medium/large I'm not buying from them, either. My weight isn't luck and I didn't like being fat but I kind of believe clothes should exist for fat (and very small) people that aren't ugly and/or cheap. So I tend to support companies who make that possible.
  • Machka9
    Machka9 Posts: 25,610 Member
    If I happen to stare at a person it is because the person is in my way. I don't have a lot of time to get things done so I like to go into places get what I need and go. But now and then there will be someone who just stands in the way for no apparent reason. So there will be a moment where I stare ... glare.
  • OnceAndFutureAthlete
    OnceAndFutureAthlete Posts: 192 Member
    kathcandu wrote: »
    In the little town I live in, there's a central park, that is surrounded by a pretty nice sidewalk. Many people walk that for exercise. A couple of years back, while I was driving past (where I, myself, should have been walking), I saw a woman, about my same size, walking on the walkway, alone. She wasn't gracefully gliding, but nearly flat-footed, struggling along, obviously winded and tired.

    I beeped my horn, as I stopped at the corner stop sign. I'm sure she was expecting rude comments or worse, as she turned her head and glared at me. I threw a "thumbs up" to her. Her face, beamed with a huge, lovely smile and she seemed to gain renewed stamina, when encouraged!

    I've just now lost 37#. My goal, now that I'm recovering from some health issues, which prevented me, is to start walking, for exercise. I will work my way up, to making it around the little park. And, I will remember that woman, as I do! To this day, I regret not parking my car and walking with her...I may have missed making a Friend & walking buddy. I hope we, too, look for the opportunity to uplift others :)<3 ~kath

    I always want to do this - give a thumbs-up to large people I see pushing themselves to exercise - being a large person myself now and knowing how welcome this would feel. I never have, thinking it might be thought of as too intrusive. But I'm glad you do/have, and have gotten a positive response. I think I'm going to try it.
  • NC_Girl
    NC_Girl Posts: 177 Member
    springlering62 wrote: »
    I was reading some fashion blog (not my usual thing but I had gone down a rabbit hole) the other day. The young lady said something to the effect that she although she loved it, wouldn’t wear a certain brand because she herself was trapped in a “privileged” body which wasn’t fair to her roommate, because the brand didn’t carry the roomate’s size.

    She went on to discuss the unfairness of hers and other “privileged bodies” for several paragraphs.

    I was aghast at the mental gymnastics. Plus, my takeaway was that she secretly though her roommate was a fat pig, cramping her style.

    I know what you mean. Not once when I walked into a Lane Bryant or Torrid did I say.. I'm not shopping here because you don't sell size 0-12.' Stores have specialties just like car dealers.... I have not seen any Jaguars in a Toyota dealership either. But I guess everyone has their own pet peeves. 🙂
  • wunderkindking
    wunderkindking Posts: 1,615 Member
    edited June 2021
    NC_Girl wrote: »
    springlering62 wrote: »
    I was reading some fashion blog (not my usual thing but I had gone down a rabbit hole) the other day. The young lady said something to the effect that she although she loved it, wouldn’t wear a certain brand because she herself was trapped in a “privileged” body which wasn’t fair to her roommate, because the brand didn’t carry the roomate’s size.

    She went on to discuss the unfairness of hers and other “privileged bodies” for several paragraphs.

    I was aghast at the mental gymnastics. Plus, my takeaway was that she secretly though her roommate was a fat pig, cramping her style.

    I know what you mean. Not once when I walked into a Lane Bryant or Torrid did I say.. I'm not shopping here because you don't sell size 0-12.' Stores have specialties just like car dealers.... I have not seen any Jaguars in a Toyota dealership either. But I guess everyone has their own pet peeves. 🙂

    Specialty stores don't bother me.

    The impossibility or near impossibility of finding workout wear that isn't trash when really obese is an issue. I don't even mean just unattractive I mean nonfunctional and bad quality. Bathing suits are the same.

    Do you want fat people to get healthier or not? Because not having to go in heavy sweats or see through clothes (of cheap quality variety) that tear and still cost a lot and are sold in 4 locations would be a good start there.

    And, yeah, torrid work out clothes absolutely apply there.

    My peeve is more generally just 'I hate torrid. they're expensive and bad quality.'.
  • springlering62
    springlering62 Posts: 8,437 Member
    I actually bought some great workout gear on Amazon that fit great and was wonderful quality when I was heavy. I still use them for pj’s.

    I tried shopping at LuLuLemon one time and was badly snubbed. I was so crushed at the (perceived) attitude of a couple of sales staff who told me they doubted they had anything that would fit me, I swore I’d never buy their product if ever I could fit it, but I have a few pieces now because my studio sells it. It was more important to support the wonderful folks at my studio through tough COVID times than dissing Lulu.

    It wasn’t til I lost weight and rewarded myself with new workout gear that I discovered other brands.

    KDeer has up to size 4X and proudly includes models of all shapes and sizes in their website.

    Any new leggings I add to my collection automatically get the “deep forward fold butt test”. Fat or thin, that still happens. Another reason to own busy, colorful leggings. Worry : eliminated.

Categories