Has Anyone Else Experienced “Eye Contact Haters”?

BLUF (Bottom-Line, Up Front) --

When you made the decision to lose weight, or eat better, or get in shape -- You are doing this FOR YOU. You're not doing it "for them."

If they wanna hate, let 'em hate. Misery loves company, so don't entertain it.

FWIW: I was back with my regular rowing double partner today, and after rowing we went for a walk. I tried out this "people staring daggers at thin people" idea on her, because she's way (way) more sensitive to other humans than I am, and is a one of those "always been slim" people. She's 6' tall, elegant proportions, fine delicate bones, and she does wear workout gear (leggings, close-fit tops) out in public. While she's always been slim, she's found athleticism in the past decade or so, so is now quite fit-looking as well as slim, and dresses very elegantly (even in casual styles, she chooses special looks).

I had to explain the whole concept to her, because it was interesting and kind of an alien concept, big surprise to her as an idea. Take that however you may. She was very clear that although she'd been raised in an "aspire to be ultra-thin and fashionable/beautiful" social context (her dad was a major ad man in the "Mad Men" era), she now doesn't much care what others think, which is a psychological counter-force to noticing "look daggers at thin/fit people" idea.

I thought it was interesting to interrogate someone who'd never been fat/obese, in this particular context. Make of the report what you will - I'm trying to report the conversation as objectively and even-handedly as I can.

tuckerrj wrote: »

springlering62 wrote: »

I’ve been afraid to return to my thread, for fear I’d be flamed by people over vanity.

The replies are absolutely as fascinating, and diverse as each poster.

I think it may be shock or awe... I've seen pictures of your leggings and they're AMAZING. Haven't seen patterns like that since watching "Laugh-In" back in the early 70's. Psychodelic swirls and shocking rainbow splashes everywhere. s You're most likely the envy of every one wearing their grey drab wardrobes!

May be something in this. I'm "Team Drab Gray", as previously noted. I admit I was a little tempted when I saw I could buy leggings with Beaker muppet (still considering that - I mean, Beaker!).

I'm pretty sure there are people who'll stare (in whatever way, some maybe resentful) at celebratory color/enthusiasm/body joy. I'm also pretty sure there are people who are judge-y about what *they* perceive as revealing dress (note my PP about leggings-hate regardless of wearer size), or as dressing more colorfully or form-conformingly to what they perceive - fossils that they are - as age-appropriate. If it's that . . . frankly, *baby feline* them.

Super trivial side note: I go around all flat up top, maybe a little concave, post-bilateral-mastectomy, which is kinda statistically weird. I made it a point, today, wandering the world in tight grey leggings/close-fit teal spaghetti-strap tank, to watch for reactions at farmers market, craft-supplies store, take-out restaurant. Noticed nothing.

Not doubting that others' mileage varies, because context, location, etc., vary. Just reporting.

Who knows? Maybe she was just not satisfied with her dining experience and wished she had ordered something else. There’s no way to know for sure unless you ask her. I stopped caring what others think (or don’t think!) a long time ago and have been much happier for it.

springlering62 wrote: »

33gail33 wrote: »

Yeah I am not even sure what is happening in this thread. My first thought would be that walking through a restaurant eating area in sweaty gym clothes might get some dirty looks.
Are you saying that women often give you dirty looks - and you think it is because you are thin?

Outdoor restaurant seating lines both narrow sidewalks on both the routes home. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don’t think I’m that foul I’d offend diners, lol.

I’m going to out on a limb here. Yes. I do get looks. I get comments, too, super nice ones. So it’s not my imagination.

I have worked harder than you can ever imagine to reshape myself. Maybe it’s the colorful gear, maybe it’s the shock of seeing a greying grandma with guns. Maybe it’s my jaunty step.

I spent years attempting to “hide” gigantic boobs behind hunching and crossed arms. Same with obesity, hiding under loose tunics. I found myself trying to do the same with my new shape until I finally concluded “ I am doing this….why?”

So I’m working on my fledgling, seedling confidence, and it very much feels like I’m relearning society at the same time.

It’s a different set of experiences slim versus fat and that’s not all in my head.

I sympathize completely with the covering up/hiding of the large chest as someone who has carried an ample bosom since I was 15 I was constantly trying to minimize/hide it with clothing and the hunching of shoulders/back and everything. As I got older I developed a new appreciation of my body and was fed up with feeling like I had to “apologize” for being large chested. I now wear whatever I want, unapologetically and I’m happier, also my posture has improved immensely! Be confident because the only opinion that really matters is your own! Especially if you’ve worked so hard to achieve your fitness, wear it with pride! I hope you never lose that spring in your step

Kevvboy wrote: »

I was sitting at the bar of a True Food Kitchen when the waiter delivered all 3 of my courses at once. Soup, salad, app. 800 calories total. My second meal of the day. A very "fit" couple came to pick up their takeout order. I guess they thought their masks concealed the sound of their voices, because they immediately started discussing me and my weight and the size of the order in front of me. "250 if he's a day," the man said. "No, this one here. Right here. Right here." I stared them into silence. My main thought was, yeah you look at me and see a fat guy overeating, I look at me and see a guy who was 60 lbs. heavier six months ago and is eating perfectly on plan. Walk a mile in my shoes, you fitties!

Judgment is an easy pastime. I've felt it myself, come and go, toward other people. For me, it's like I would feel lifted up for a moment by observing how I might be making "better" choices than someone else, etc. I now feel that judgment of the kind you experienced here is just a reflection of their insecurities, honestly. That's what it had always been for me, when I find myself feeling judgy. And you don't need to participate in that. It's not your problem, but their journey

Let me start with the fact that I get more positive feedback than negative. It's almost exclusively women who shoot the dirty look. It's not RBF either because the expression changes when looking at me. I was very hearing impaired as a child so I use body language and face cues more than most hearing people. I think it's because I walk with purpose(which is mistaken for confidence), I bounce and I have ample T&A dispite being not very big(at least now). Essentially I bounce in an attractive manner and I would guess I remind that person of a lack of confidence they have. Unfortunately while I'm bouncing around looking fabulous I forget I look attractive so it catches me off guard. When I have been heavier in contrast I didn't get looked at like that because I pay enough attention I would've noticed. It's a double edged sword though, at a heavier weight I got almost no super happy positive looks and 0 negative looks. Now I get lots of positive feedback and a weekly glare. I try to smile and hope those people don't think I judge them... I was them or similar. I would hope they know if they're unconfident they can absolutly change one little choice at a time like I am. It's normal for people to *kitten* others and feelings of envy or resentment are common feelings. Unfortunately especially in the US there's a ton of pressure for women to have the perfect body and that plays a role on self image and the assessment we make of others. I noticed it most on a road to my apartment complex where there's nothing but other walkers to look at so I can't ignore it or pretend it's something else. It won't kill me and I'll keep sending those people little smiles hoping to break their thought train and improve their mood.🙂

goal06082021 wrote: »

I'm pretty sure no one is paying THAT much attention to me, and if they are, that's their problem?? I guarantee I don't have the power to ruin anyone's day just by existing in public where people can see me.

100% this.

I don't think I've ever taken enough notice of my surroundings to try and make eye contact with anyone who might be looking at me. :laugh:

I think there is actually some psychology in play that makes people who are overweight/obese sort of... react to people who aren't, anymore.

And I think one of those is resentment born of the idea that weight is a thing outside their control and that is immutable. I used to sort of believe that. Some people get fat, some don't and it's all just down to luck. That makes it easy to resent the people you see who are luckier than you.

Unfortunately, the idea that it *isn't* just luck is also a thing that you can't really broach without seeming like a sanctimonious jerk, so usually the answer is still just ignoring what seems to be going on in other people's heads for your own sake.

springlering62 wrote: »

I was reading some fashion blog (not my usual thing but I had gone down a rabbit hole) the other day. The young lady said something to the effect that she although she loved it, wouldn’t wear a certain brand because she herself was trapped in a “privileged” body which wasn’t fair to her roommate, because the brand didn’t carry the roomate’s size.

She went on to discuss the unfairness of hers and other “privileged bodies” for several paragraphs.

I was aghast at the mental gymnastics. Plus, my takeaway was that she secretly though her roommate was a fat pig, cramping her style.

I mean. I'll be honest, if a brand only does small/medium/large I'm not buying from them, either. My weight isn't luck and I didn't like being fat but I kind of believe clothes should exist for fat (and very small) people that aren't ugly and/or cheap. So I tend to support companies who make that possible.

kathcandu wrote: »

In the little town I live in, there's a central park, that is surrounded by a pretty nice sidewalk. Many people walk that for exercise. A couple of years back, while I was driving past (where I, myself, should have been walking), I saw a woman, about my same size, walking on the walkway, alone. She wasn't gracefully gliding, but nearly flat-footed, struggling along, obviously winded and tired.

I beeped my horn, as I stopped at the corner stop sign. I'm sure she was expecting rude comments or worse, as she turned her head and glared at me. I threw a "thumbs up" to her. Her face, beamed with a huge, lovely smile and she seemed to gain renewed stamina, when encouraged!

I've just now lost 37#. My goal, now that I'm recovering from some health issues, which prevented me, is to start walking, for exercise. I will work my way up, to making it around the little park. And, I will remember that woman, as I do! To this day, I regret not parking my car and walking with her...I may have missed making a Friend & walking buddy. I hope we, too, look for the opportunity to uplift others ~kath

I always want to do this - give a thumbs-up to large people I see pushing themselves to exercise - being a large person myself now and knowing how welcome this would feel. I never have, thinking it might be thought of as too intrusive. But I'm glad you do/have, and have gotten a positive response. I think I'm going to try it.

NC_Girl wrote: »

springlering62 wrote: »

I was reading some fashion blog (not my usual thing but I had gone down a rabbit hole) the other day. The young lady said something to the effect that she although she loved it, wouldn’t wear a certain brand because she herself was trapped in a “privileged” body which wasn’t fair to her roommate, because the brand didn’t carry the roomate’s size.

She went on to discuss the unfairness of hers and other “privileged bodies” for several paragraphs.

I was aghast at the mental gymnastics. Plus, my takeaway was that she secretly though her roommate was a fat pig, cramping her style.

I know what you mean. Not once when I walked into a Lane Bryant or Torrid did I say.. I'm not shopping here because you don't sell size 0-12.' Stores have specialties just like car dealers.... I have not seen any Jaguars in a Toyota dealership either. But I guess everyone has their own pet peeves. 🙂

Specialty stores don't bother me.

The impossibility or near impossibility of finding workout wear that isn't trash when really obese is an issue. I don't even mean just unattractive I mean nonfunctional and bad quality. Bathing suits are the same.

Do you want fat people to get healthier or not? Because not having to go in heavy sweats or see through clothes (of cheap quality variety) that tear and still cost a lot and are sold in 4 locations would be a good start there.

And, yeah, torrid work out clothes absolutely apply there.

My peeve is more generally just 'I hate torrid. they're expensive and bad quality.'.