Body Shaming Sucks
theGreatPondero
Posts: 15 Member
I come from a heavy family. It's either in a our genes or our culture (or both). But I have managed to get down to a healthy BMI. Or I was two years ago. The last two years I put on 20 lbs. I recently shared with my sister that I am tracking calories again to get back to where I was 2 years ago. She said that back then I looked "anorexic." WTF?! My BMI was 22.6 and I am a fit person but not crazy muscular. Where do people get off commenting like this on someone else's body? I am tempted to think it's her personal shame projected on me. I dunno. Maybe it's just how expectations are set in a country where fewer than 20% are at healthy BMI. Where "normal looking" is actually in an overweight category.
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Pretty much: Average is seen as "normal", and in a lot of places now, average is overweight to obese, inactive. Beyond that, many people subtly want to reassure themselves that they, personally, are OK. That can mean seeing healthy-weight people as too thin, believing the BMI to be incorrect for most people (especially them), and more.
IMO, it's important not to let their problems become our problem: Shaming is one thing, feeling that shame (as the target of their perception) is another.
One of my friends worried I was getting anorexic when I was at a BMI in (I forget exactly) mid 20s, and eating 2000+ nutrition-packed calories daily (context: I'm 5'5", female, was in my 60s already at the time, i.e., 2000 is quite a lot for the demographic, but I was still losing slowly). She's normally a very rational, level-headed woman, so more recently - several years on - I asked her why she thought that, said that. She wasn't sure, thought it could've been jealousy, or just the shock of my being so much thinner than she was used to thinking of me. She's used to me looking like this now (actually a few pounds down from then, because I was still on the way down at the time), says she doesn't have that fear or reaction anymore, at this point.
Each of us has his/her own perceptions and reactions; sometimes they're skewed. I can't let other people's skew throw me off a reasonable course of action, wound me, or anything along those lines. It's not healthy. I also don't mostly hold it against them - unless they get actually vicious or subverting - because everyone has their own cognitive and perceptual issues to sort through. 🤷♀️18 -
^^ I agree with @AnnPT77 , especially on the idea of people needing time to adjust to your new look, but I just want to suggest that you think about what someone who is "heavy" (as you say your whole family is) may hear when someone who is only 20 lbs overweight starts talking about their efforts to lose weight. You think you're only talking about you, but to her it may feel like she is being body-shamed, and she gets defensive, and strikes back.27
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lynn_glenmont wrote: »^^ I agree with @AnnPT77 , especially on the idea of people needing time to adjust to your new look, but I just want to suggest that you think about what someone who is "heavy" (as you say your whole family is) may hear when someone who is only 20 lbs overweight starts talking about their efforts to lose weight. You think you're only talking about you, but to her it may feel like she is being body-shamed, and she gets defensive, and strikes back.
I totally agree with this.
As someone who has lost over 100 and still wants to lose some that I've gained back, I try to make a point never to talk about those efforts with people who I know have much more weight to lose. I remember all too well the feeling of being a younger woman in plus size clothes whose friends lamented their "fatness" and had 20 lb to lose. It can feel like an attack.22 -
Body shaming, is partly about other people not wanting other to be normal, if they aren't there themselves, but also partly how others think we see ourselves.
Your sister may feel more comfortable when you are a little heavier, because it makes her not seem as so unhealthy. One thing to note is that YOU are well aware of her being overweight, even if you don't say anything.. I think we think having it spoken out loud is worse, but when we think something about someone else, we treat them differently because of it sometimes.. her shame might be partly at how she thinks you think of her. When you were at a healthy weight, maybe something you did, made her feel ashamed, and she is either returning the favor, or wants you to be overweight yourself, because it may bother her a little less when she eats in front of her slightly overweight brother, instead of a lean brother. She may feel you judge her, when you are healthy.. you did it, so why can't she?
I'm only 5'6", so I need to get down to at least 155. I used to be 361 lbs. years ago. That's a 58.3 BMI. After a couple years, I was down to 325, and feeling pretty good. I wear bright colored clothing, and never even thought about what others thought of me. I was aware I was fat, but a lot of guys are. One of my employees saw me in a yellow shirt. This is maybe a 5X, and said " You're too FAT to wear such bright colors.. you look like a school bus ". I was stunned that anyone would think that, then even more that they felt OK saying it. Then I thought.. i can fire this a**hole..
In the end though, I concluded.. Yes, I am fat. The employee thinking I was not bothered by it, thought it was just funny, and we would laugh, and we did, once I realized that the only reason it bothered ME, was because I was ashamed to be 325. My employee thought it was funny for a big guy to wear bright yellow, because most big guys wear colors like tan, gray, black, green, blue.. and steer clear of red, orange, pink, or yellow. We try not to stand out. I love pastels, and I wear them. I remembered my brother, who was heavier, once having to wear a red shirt for work, and telling him he looked like a tomato, the Kool-Aid man, and he didn't care. I realized that he didn't care, so he couldn't be body shamed. It had no effect on him.
I'm down to 258.4.. a 41.7 BMI, and I'm wearing a cyan shirt today. It's bright. Probably someone seeing me today will think.. why is a fat guy wearing such a bright short, and making themselves more noticeable?? I don't care.
I'll get down to 155 one day, but I' cool with 258, and tomorrow, 257 will be great. If someone else has a problem with me being fat, that isn't a problem.
So while you might want to sit down with your sister, and tell her it bothered you, and ask her why she said it, and talk through what is going on.. does she want to lose weight? Doesn't she want YOU to be healthy? Does she want any advice, or does she want to get healthy as you re-lose this 20 lbs.. maybe change your relationship, so you can do fun, healthy things, and get healthy together.... I would also do a bit of mental self-exploration, and figure out why it bothered you at all. My brothers have made much harsher statements in moments of anger, but I just laughed at them, because I knew it they were simply lashing out, and in a week, we would be fine. If I thought they meant it, or there was a history of mean comments on purpose, to hurt my feelings.. I would consider that a toxic relationship.
You can fix the first situation with talk.. the second one can't be fixed, except by the toxic person changing.. BUT most important, is that if you are OK with where you are 100%, no body shaming should affect you.. it can only affect you, if you also have issues with your own body image. So part of the solution is becoming happy with yourself, so any comment has no effect on you.
If you really think her comment was shame of herself, then why are you bothered, other than to feel bad for HER? Sounds to me like you are doing great, and it's your sister who has a major issue. Your only issue left, is not fully believing that you are doing great.
Hope you clear everything up, and you both learn from this.24 -
Wow, all of these comments were so insightful and have got me thinking about my role in taking offense. And am now wondering about the signals I may send out when I discuss my weight loss issues. I think, to be safe, I should just not talk about it unless asked about it.16
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theGreatPondero wrote: »Wow, all of these comments were so insightful and have got me thinking about my role in taking offense. And am now wondering about the signals I may send out when I discuss my weight loss issues. I think, to be safe, I should just not talk about it unless asked about it.
Maybe you haven't experienced this one yet, but another reason not to talk about it unless asked about it is that there are many people who, despite seeing your ongoing success, will insist on telling you about whatever crazy diet they've heard about and insist that you try that, instead of what you're already doing that's working.
Personally, I try not to mention it too much even to my nearest and dearest, because I don't want it to become that one thing that I'm always talking about that they're bored sick of and don't want to hear anymore about. But that might just be me.
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lynn_glenmont wrote: »theGreatPondero wrote: »Wow, all of these comments were so insightful and have got me thinking about my role in taking offense. And am now wondering about the signals I may send out when I discuss my weight loss issues. I think, to be safe, I should just not talk about it unless asked about it.
Maybe you haven't experienced this one yet, but another reason not to talk about it unless asked about it is that there are many people who, despite seeing your ongoing success, will insist on telling you about whatever crazy diet they've heard about and insist that you try that, instead of what you're already doing that's working.
Personally, I try not to mention it too much even to my nearest and dearest, because I don't want it to become that one thing that I'm always talking about that they're bored sick of and don't want to hear anymore about. But that might just be me.
Yes. Other people's diets are boring, so I don't talk about mine (except in the rare case of what I perceive to be very sincere inquiries).
Also, as you imply, I don't need to hear about how I can't lose weight without diet X, when I've already *clearly* lost weight. One of my acquaintances told me that it was impossible to lose weight without going low carb because she'd read all the books over the Winter and they all said you had to cut carbs. What had I done over the Winter? Lost tens of pounds (she hadn't). Without going low carb. She'd been there in my circle the whole time. She didn't care: I was wrong, because *books*.🙄
Profitless conversations, alla that.15 -
lynn_glenmont wrote: »theGreatPondero wrote: »Wow, all of these comments were so insightful and have got me thinking about my role in taking offense. And am now wondering about the signals I may send out when I discuss my weight loss issues. I think, to be safe, I should just not talk about it unless asked about it.
Maybe you haven't experienced this one yet, but another reason not to talk about it unless asked about it is that there are many people who, despite seeing your ongoing success, will insist on telling you about whatever crazy diet they've heard about and insist that you try that, instead of what you're already doing that's working.
Personally, I try not to mention it too much even to my nearest and dearest, because I don't want it to become that one thing that I'm always talking about that they're bored sick of and don't want to hear anymore about. But that might just be me.
Same here.
Either that or I get that one person who sees me eating a cookie and has to make their "you're eating cookies?? But thought you were on a diet!" kinds of comments.
Not weight loss related, but one time I made the mistake of telling one friend from my work lunch group that I was considering becoming a vegetarian. She made it her business to announce to the rest of the group that I was doing it, and since then everyone has become insufferable with their unwelcome commentary.
Sometimes some people, for whatever reason, take your choices as a commentary about themselves. That could be what's going on with your sister, OP. Either that or it could be that overweight is so common that it appears "normal", so a healthy weight doesn't look right to them.
I just consider my health and my eating choices to be my business; I don't need anyone else's input but my doctor, so I have learned not to talk about it with others around me.8 -
dragon_girl26 wrote: »lynn_glenmont wrote: »theGreatPondero wrote: »Wow, all of these comments were so insightful and have got me thinking about my role in taking offense. And am now wondering about the signals I may send out when I discuss my weight loss issues. I think, to be safe, I should just not talk about it unless asked about it.
Maybe you haven't experienced this one yet, but another reason not to talk about it unless asked about it is that there are many people who, despite seeing your ongoing success, will insist on telling you about whatever crazy diet they've heard about and insist that you try that, instead of what you're already doing that's working.
Personally, I try not to mention it too much even to my nearest and dearest, because I don't want it to become that one thing that I'm always talking about that they're bored sick of and don't want to hear anymore about. But that might just be me.
Same here.
Either that or I get that one person who sees me eating a cookie and has to make their "you're eating cookies?? But thought you were on a diet!" kinds of comments.
Not weight loss related, but one time I made the mistake of telling one friend from my work lunch group that I was considering becoming a vegetarian. She made it her business to announce to the rest of the group that I was doing it, and since then everyone has become insufferable with their unwelcome commentary.
Sometimes some people, for whatever reason, take your choices as a commentary about themselves. That could be what's going on with your sister, OP. Either that or it could be that overweight is so common that it appears "normal", so a healthy weight doesn't look right to them.
I just consider my health and my eating choices to be my business; I don't need anyone else's input but my doctor, so I have learned not to talk about it with others around me.
Same here.
I have a few friends who are very quick to start in with doctor recommendations, herbal supplements praises, and everything else in that range, at any mention of diet or health.
And I try very hard not to trigger that response. Because Hoo Wow it is annoying.7 -
I have lost about 40 pounds with another 10-15 to go. My BMI is 26. I was just told by a friend that I should stop losing weight or I will start to look too thin. I said it was in my stomach and is hard to see. She goes, well can you just lose it in your stomach and not your face? LOL. At another time I was close to goal when a few others said the same thing.
The thing is that I know these particular people have no jealousy and mean well. They just are used to me at a certain weight, and of course the norms have changed. I expected this at this point and will expect it from others as I get closer. It comes with losing weight, and has been documented here many times. Mostly when you hear this, it is coming from their concern, because if not they would say it behind you back!7 -
Nothing cuts like a comment from a family member! Even if not particularly meant to do so.
But, since we're stuck with them and they us, it sometimes works to explain to them how you would like to be treated, particularly in exchange for agreeing to treat them however they like. (Emphasis on "sometimes.")
Best of luck!8 -
theGreatPondero wrote: »I come from a heavy family. It's either in a our genes or our culture (or both). But I have managed to get down to a healthy BMI. Or I was two years ago. The last two years I put on 20 lbs. I recently shared with my sister that I am tracking calories again to get back to where I was 2 years ago. She said that back then I looked "anorexic." WTF?! My BMI was 22.6 and I am a fit person but not crazy muscular. Where do people get off commenting like this on someone else's body? I am tempted to think it's her personal shame projected on me. I dunno. Maybe it's just how expectations are set in a country where fewer than 20% are at healthy BMI. Where "normal looking" is actually in an overweight category.
When I was growing up it wasn't the norm to see a lot of people overweight and these days its more common even in kids. People get used to seeing other people in this overweight state as well as in themselves so losing weight comes off as out of the ordinary to them . It's not something people like to talk about but a lot of times people will knowingly and unknowingly try to sabotage others. It could be anything from weight loss to relationships, sometimes misery just loves company. My best advice is just to ignore the comments and do what works for you. Hopefully you will be an inspiration for your sister and others.4 -
Frank19556 wrote: »I was just told by a friend that I should stop losing weight or I will start to look too thin. I said it was in my stomach and is hard to see. She goes, well can you just lose it in your stomach and not your face? LOL. At another time I was close to goal when a few others said the same thing...
They just are used to me at a certain weight, and of course the norms have changed.
Unfortunately, I have a narrow face that shows when I lose weight. I think you're on to it here. People get accustomed to how are faces look and dramatic changes are unsettling. I sure wish one could target fat loss to certain areas.
I get all the advice above and it's good. I'm really aware that the problem here is my problem. But I still have trouble with how some people feel okay commenting on someone's weight loss. I don't imagine those same people would also say "Oh my god, stop gaining weight - you look so --!
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Well that works both ways - we've had posts about people being upset because nobody noticed or commented on them losing weight.
I think if people are commenting out of genuine, if misplaced, concern or a genuine attempt to be complimentary, cut them some slack.
I also notice your OP started with ' I recently shared.......'
If you have conversations where you share about your weight loss, then you are inviting comments on it.4 -
I've noticed that people who lose a lot of weight can look really gaunt in the face. There's a guy where I live that had weight loss surgery and lost a ton of weight this year. He is normal weight now, but people keep commenting on how sick he looks. I don't really think he looks sick, it's just that he lost over 100 lbs in a relatively short period of time and people aren't used to seeing him at a healthy weight. He also still wears clothes that are too big for him, which doesn't help, and a long, ugly, scraggly beard that ages him, which also doesn't help.3
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musicfan68 wrote: »I've noticed that people who lose a lot of weight can look really gaunt in the face.
Do you think some people look gaunt in the beggining, and then fill out later?
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theGreatPondero wrote: »But I still have trouble with how some people feel okay commenting on someone's weight loss. I don't imagine those same people would also say "Oh my god, stop gaining weight - you look so --!
I remember my morbidly obese aunt commenting that my sister looked too thin. "She should put some meat on those bones" she said to me and few others (not my sister). One week later my aunt died from a heart attack. My sister is older than my aunt was when she died, and is still very healthy.
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I find it rewarding when people say I'm to thin and I remind myself what a fit person really looks like. Have a goal and don't let others deter you and keep working.4
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Frank19556 wrote: »musicfan68 wrote: »I've noticed that people who lose a lot of weight can look really gaunt in the face.
Do you think some people look gaunt in the beggining, and then fill out later?
I thought I looked somewhat haggard (not sure about gaunt) in the face immediately after loss, but that that improved fairly quickly after going to maintenance calories - within 90 days, possibly faster.
ETA: I hadn't been losing very fast, in the final few months, but had been losing steadily for quite a while at that point.1 -
Frank19556 wrote: »musicfan68 wrote: »I've noticed that people who lose a lot of weight can look really gaunt in the face.
Do you think some people look gaunt in the beggining, and then fill out later?
I thought I looked somewhat haggard (not sure about gaunt) in the face immediately after loss, but that that improved fairly quickly after going to maintenance calories - within 90 days, possibly faster.
ETA: I hadn't been losing very fast, in the final few months, but had been losing steadily for quite a while at that point.
I have gone through periods of looking a bit gaunt in the face through this process. But then it settles. I am still on a relatively small calorie restriction, currently averaging 1 3/4 pounds per week.
I also think it can be a bit of a shock if someone hasn’t seen a person in a long time, if they’re really obviously much smaller than the other person is used to.
I definitely agree body shaming is wrong. I generally associate the term with people making nasty comments, or worse, about fat people.
I’ve experienced that, and it absolutely can hurt. Not downplaying how disconcerting it can be when someone makes comments about someone too skinny. And I do agree with others that we (the US) have a skewed idea of what healthy looks like.2 -
my sister who has always been a little overweight commented on a shirt i was wearing. she said it looked like i was showing off because you could see my shape. it was a size large average (not tight) fitting tee shirt. i asked her why she thought that it was showing off. she said it was because men normally wear looser clothes to hide their belly. the fact that i didnt have a belly to hide came across as showing off. i think overweight people often strike out against anyone fitter than they are as a defense. its fine with me. if you are complimenting my physique in any context its a compliment. i dont care if you think abs mean anorexic. you saw my abs? thanks.8
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I think weight loss is a really touchy subject for so many that now I just don’t discuss it at all, ever. Even if I get a comment about how I’ve lost weight I’ll just say thank you and leave it at that. I’ve found people soon lose interest when you tell them it isn’t a magic pill just calories in and calories out.
That said I can also remember being that fat lady who just wasn’t ready to do anything about it. At the time it just seemed like I was accepting what I saw as my lot in life and just plodding on as usual, without actually realising it didn’t have to be that way. At that point in time I would never have commented on anyone’s weight, including if they’d lost weight, because it seemed to me that they might not have noticed I was fat and commenting could make them see it. Ludicrous right? But I would always look to be around the people larger than I was. Sadly earlier this year one of my good friends who was larger than I was caught COVID and died of complications. Nobody says it of course but we all know that her weight didn’t help her. That was a bit of a wake up call for me, but it still took me another 6 months to get to the point where I was ready to do something about it. I, younger than she was, though less than 2 weeks after your 50th birthday is no age to die, but I was almost as large as her at well over 300lbs.
I think, when we’re on this journey we just have to be a little bit selfish and focus on ourselves and what we need to do to get where we want to be. Comments about looking sick will change as people start to adjust their perspective of us, we just have to wait for them to catch up. Good luck in your journey and well done getting so far.2 -
I had the same issue several years ago. I lost 30 pounds that I had put on over 15 years. My husband of the time told me I looked anorexic and couldn't understand why I would do that. I was a little concerned for a bit but I was 5'6" and 128 pounds. I was eating very healthy and exercising regularly. Healthy BMI and had finally lowered my cholesterol and other numbers that had risen. Then a few weeks later while I was working out, he made the comment that I should just be old, fat and happy like him and that I made him look bad. The real truth came out. I looked fine and at that time, I realized what others thought wasn't my problem. Now, like @fatoldladyonamission I just don't discuss anything weight related.6
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