Challenge to myself and perhaps some support, that would be nice

BasedTobias

Log for 11/12/2022

I binged eat enough calories today to gain half a pound. That is 1600 extra calories than my goal calories. "Enough is enough" I told myself, like I'd told myself many times before, previously. And yet, it always feels different. Like maybe it'll be different this time.

The difference now is that I may post things on here, and perhaps that will help process some of those emotions and I won't try and eat them away.

It's always good to ask what food is intending to replace on your life, and understand how the unhealthy relationship developed. And yet no amount of knowledge or awareness of that fact truly helps me. There's no replacement for human connection and a social group. I'm currently out of a job and studying software engineering. If you'd like to say hi please do, I can't remember the last time I used social media or talked to someone else. It's incredibly unhealthy, and just as things were getting better, I was fired. For not having my ADHD meds, I payed a hefty price, and was afraid of asking for accomodations.

The problem for me is a lack of connection to another. My entire life has been lived in fear, because what would you do if you were born with a condition that would shy you away from becoming intimate with another person? And by this I mean a physical condition, not obviously apparent but there, and it prevents you from becoming intimate. This energy has to go somewhere, and I regret not taking action as a child and speaking up about the abnormality. A decade or two earlier and I'm yet to truly connect with the other. Which is a shame because without this condition, I would've been much more successful and perhaps never have gained weight at all. I don't even know if this all happened by chance or if I injured myself as a kid and just didn't speak to a doctor because my childhood consisted of being felt like I did something wrong from the ricochet of family matters. It's terribly, terribly, unfortunate.