Guys in relationships.

LadyofLight08

So I started a new job, this guy and I have been talking (ugh I know work relationships are the worst.) and I started to like him... a lot. We have so much in common, we are both geeks, similar music interest, we have the most amazing conversations and have stayed up all night just asking each other questions; enjoying each other's company. I just recently found out (yesterday.) that he has a girlfriend of almost 3 years. I was devastated, because I felt like THAT girl that everyone talks about and hates (if that makes sense?) I've been cheated on before and I feel terrible... He said his relationship has been deteriorating for quite a while, but he can't break up, because he lives with her and pity's her (made me feel worse since that's apparently how my ex felt about me.)
It's not right for a man to be in a relationship with someone if they don't love each other and especially if you pity her..
Has anyone been in this situation? Advice would be nice.

ldugganbos

walk! a real man leaves his current situation before starting a new one!

jboccio90

If someone wanted to be out of relationship that badly they would find a way to end it for good regardless of hurt feelings and living situations.

I feel for ya, I have been in similar situations. I would just remain friends with him but do not get your hopes up.

TheSlorax

I hate to say it but he kinda sounds like he is telling you what you want to hear. Are you sure that the situation is really how he describes? If not that's pretty ****ed up that he would just stay with her to keep his living situation and because he feels sorry for her. Is that really the kind of person you want to enter into a relationship with? Would you want this same thing to happen to you if your longterm relationship was "deteriorating"?

I know that sometimes things just happen, but I would proceed with caution since there are some major red flags here... good luck.

ItsCasey

Don't walk. Run. This guy is a *kitten*. Assuming he's even telling you the truth, what he's doing to his current girlfriend is inexcusable, and he will do the same thing to you once he gets tired of you. Also, people who get involved with co-workers are pretty much the dumbest people in the world. My opinion. Don't crap where you eat, as they say.

taunto

A cheater is a cheater. Women cheat, men cheat. Everyone will give reasons to cheat but its never good enough.

Honestly, I'd just call the girl and let her know.

Iron_Lotus

I was in a similar situation, I backed off, he broke up with his girlfriend and now we are married. If it's meant to be it will be (cliche I know, but I believe it)

reds_1

Wow! No. That's not good at all!

First of all, you've done nothing wrong. You didn't have all the information. Hell, his girlfriend doesn't have all the information. He's the only one who does!

It's clear that neither his girlfriend, nor you (I'm so sorry, that sounds so harsh) are that high up on his list of what's important to him. If either of you were, he wouldn't be doing what he seems to be doing which is keeping both of you a secret from each other.

healthyKYgirl

Run away fast from this guy:

1.) He wasn't open and honest with you by telling you he had a gf until recently. (That's a red flare warning sign!)
2.) He has the ability to break up with his girlfriend, but hasn't yet. Until he does, he is a cheater. Do you want to be with a cheater?
3.) He will either stay with her and you'll end up being that girl, or he will end up leaving her and then potentially cheat on you later if things go wrong with you, and he won't tell you because he feels bad about breaking up with you because he has no courage. He's a coward.

Do you really want this guy? And if you do, leave him alone, and let him break up with his girlfriend and earn you back - prove to you that he won't be like that with you if he does end up breaking up with his girlfriend.

Oh, and I say this from personal experience: I've been hit on and/or in this type of situation before, and it was always heart breaking for me, but the longer I let the flirtation continue, the worse it was for me because the more I became attached to someone I couldn't date.

MyPureSteez

You train people how to treat you. If you continue this you are training him to treat you like a "chick on the side". Do you want to be the chick on the side? If not, it's up to you to let him know that you're main chick material only and if he want's a chick on the side he need's to look somewhere else.

LolBroScience

Waste of time, on to the next guy.

_Emma_Problema_

This happened to me. I was 19, he was 27. He told me he lived and worked with his gf so he couldn't leave her. I was young and believed that over time he would see the light. Eventually the pressure I was putting on him to leave her ended things. I found out later that she wasn't actually his gf, but his wife.

I think that's a pretty good indicator of how the ability of a man to cheat usually indicates other moral flaws and an aptitude for lying.

jonnythan

So a guy is doing something bad to his current girlfriend/wife, and you want to get in line so you can be next?

Really?

Howdoyoufeeltoday

So I started a new job, this guy and I have been talking (ugh I know work relationships are the worst.) and I started to like him... a lot. We have so much in common, we are both geeks, similar music interest, we have the most amazing conversations and have stayed up all night just asking each other questions; enjoying each other's company. I just recently found out (yesterday.) that he has a girlfriend of almost 3 years. I was devastated, because I felt like THAT girl that everyone talks about and hates (if that makes sense?) I've been cheated on before and I feel terrible... He said his relationship has been deteriorating for quite a while, but he can't break up, because he lives with her and pity's her (made me feel worse since that's apparently how my ex felt about me.)
It's not right for a man to be in a relationship with someone if they don't love each other and especially if you pity her..
Has anyone been in this situation? Advice would be nice.

If they live together then chances are he's not gonna break up with her anytime soon. Maybe he is having problems with his relationship or he just wants his cake and to eat it too. I've been there before, the relationship between him and hi ex ended and then we started dating and I was just viewed as the rebound chick. You deserve to find someone who is unattached and ready to give you what you want. You'll regret not giving yourself more respect later on trust me. Don't be flirt friends or the girl who listens to all his problems cause then he's getting everything he wants. I say move on.

LadyofLight08

I asked him "why did he invite me to his house if his girlfriend lives him", she was apparently baker acted for two weeks and has emotional issues, suicidal and all that jazz (hence why he can't break up because she has threatened to kill herself.) He said he never intended to like me, but once he started to get to know me he started to like me more and more. I don't know what to believe since I've been played and lead on in the past, but I feel he genuinely is a good guy since he has never made a move on me and respects his girlfriend enough, but now it's like... I like him and he likes me too. I feel like I should just back off, but I feel bad for his (apparent) situation at home being in a destructive relationship with a suicidal girl who he supports and takes care of financially. I know I should just lay low and stay aloof and let him decide his own decisions, but I told him if you don't love her it's better you break up with her instead of leading her on and digging a deeper hole. I don't want to make it seem like I'm egging him on to break up for my own selfish reasons, but it is true.

AbbeyDove

My friend's husband told the same line to a woman he met in a coffee shop. He's still married to his wife. The girl from the coffee shop is long gone. It was all lies. But an incredible amount of *damage* resulted, really to everyone, the girl he used included.

I'd tell the guy that he should call you when he's single and living on his own. But until then? Nope.

If he's a good one and the relationship is really deteriorating, he'll follow through. But if not, it's a sign he's not strong enough to make clear decisions about his life, and so he's not a safe person to be with in the long run. A person who cheats once is likely to do so again.

billsica

The fastest way to resolve the situation to see if he will leave his wife for you or not is to fake a pregnancy.

Of course from your post I just got that this guy talks to you at work. Then he talked to you at night about his failing relationship. What I didn't get out of this is that he has put the moves on you, or that there is a relationship going on.

AbbeyDove

You train people how to treat you. If you continue this you are training him to treat you like a "chick on the side". Do you want to be the chick on the side? If not, it's up to you to let him know that you're main chick material only and if he want's a chick on the side he need's to look somewhere else.

This is also really good advice.

LadyofLight08

The fastest way to resolve the situation to see if he will leave his wife for you or not is to fake a pregnancy.

Of course from your post I just got that this guy talks to you at work. Then he talked to you at night about his failing relationship. What I didn't get out of this is that he has put the moves on you, or that there is a relationship going on.

He invited me over to his house, we played video games and literally talked all night. He never made a move on me, we aren't together or anything etc.. He just told me after work yesterday that he really likes me, but he has a girlfriend. That's it really.

Briko3

He's feeling you out to see if it's worth breaking up with what he has. He doesn't want to lose both, so he's playing it safe. Keyword....PLAYING.

LadyofLight08

Thank you everyone for your advice, I think I'm just going to tell him that I don't want to keep talking to him on any emotional or casual level until he's single.

TheSlorax

yeah this just sounds like a messy situation all around. Especially more so since he's a coworker. There are plenty more fish in the sea girl, I would say pass on this one so you're ready for the next one (and clear of the cluster**** that this guy has gotten himself into!). Trust me, there are plenty of nice guys out there who do not have the baggage this dude has and who will be ready to give you what you need.

Unknown

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shutupandlift13

Why do you think he wouldn't do the same thing to you that he's doing to his girlfriend right now? How would you feel if you were her and you found out?

cmriverside

Classic. I'm quite a bit older than you - but cannot count the number of times I've heard that exact scenario come out of a man's mouth who is trying to "get to know me."


Walk away. Now, before you get hurt.

You will get hurt.

Laroux63

So I started a new job, this guy and I have been talking (ugh I know work relationships are the worst.) and I started to like him... a lot. We have so much in common, we are both geeks, similar music interest, we have the most amazing conversations and have stayed up all night just asking each other questions; enjoying each other's company. I just recently found out (yesterday.) that he has a girlfriend of almost 3 years. I was devastated, because I felt like THAT girl that everyone talks about and hates (if that makes sense?) I've been cheated on before and I feel terrible... He said his relationship has been deteriorating for quite a while, but he can't break up, because he lives with her and pity's her (made me feel worse since that's apparently how my ex felt about me.)
It's not right for a man to be in a relationship with someone if they don't love each other and especially if you pity her..
Has anyone been in this situation? Advice would be nice.

If they live together then chances are he's not gonna break up with her anytime soon. Maybe he is having problems with his relationship or he just wants his cake and to eat it too. I've been there before, the relationship between him and hi ex ended and then we started dating and I was just viewed as the rebound chick. You deserve to find someone who is unattached and ready to give you what you want. You'll regret not giving yourself more respect later on trust me. Don't be flirt friends or the girl who listens to all his problems cause then he's getting everything he wants. I say move on.

LadyofLight08

yeah this just sounds like a messy situation all around. Especially more so since he's a coworker. There are plenty more fish in the sea girl, I would say pass on this one so you're ready for the next one (and clear of the cluster**** that this guy has gotten himself into!). Trust me, there are plenty of nice guys out there who do not have the baggage this dude has and who will be ready to give you what you need.

Thanks, yeah I just needed some guidance since it's hard to express myself to people I know without being judged or scolded at lol.
It's so hard to find a guy that isn't only thinking about "sex" I genuinely think he is a great guy since he hasn't made a move on me or has tried to kiss me or flirt! We were talking like friends, about video games, music, geeky related topics about movies and tv shows. I really started to like him because he wasn't like most guys I've met. Then, yesterday he told me he likes me a lot, but he has a girlfriend.. So I didn't know if I should just keep talking the way we do since it was very simple and no flirting involved really.

Topsking2010

Never mix business with pleasure!! It always ends badly!!!

eric_sg61

He is probably just saying his relationship sucks to get in your pants. A Sympathy bang

_firecracker_

Walk. Walk....no. RUN. I heard all the same lies from a man recently. I invested time. Things seemed to progress in the right direction and I ignored every damn rational thought I had about it not being right. A man who can't leave a woman he's unhappy with is not a man you want, trust me, he'll use you to ease his boredom, his loneliness and as entertainment at his convenience. He'll run and rip your heart out the moment you start expecting a real relationship from him. He had the same situation....a marriage where he never left because she had issues, it wasnt her fault, he felt wrong for abandoning her. He said he asked for a separation, supposedly moved out but then things started to backslide. He couldn't call at night anymore. He stopped calling period. Then most of the communication was through text or messaging. There was always something in the way from him seeing me. And now nothing. Last I heard from a message was he needs time. When I messaged a follow up for clarity, I got no response. So get out while you can. I put in 7 months for nothing.

lorenzovonmatterhorn7549

If he is really that unhappy, he would break it off. He's feeding you a line of bull. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.