My 9 year old daughter thinks she's fat. What to do?

Losingthedamnweight

Soooo an awkward situation for a daddio! I took my kid out for daddy and daughter day (just out having fun together) and she asked me if i thought she was fat. This was...new to me. I didn't know she really thought about those kinds of things. Apparently, her grandma told her she's "getting fat and needs to lose weight". I didn't really know what to say because i know whatever i say will mean alot to her and i didn't want to kill her confidence. I just said something like "you're beautiful the way you are and who you are is so much more than how you look. Good heart, smart, good person. And you've got all those covered. I don't think you're fat. Just keep yourself busy with activities and you'll be fine".

I feel like i should've said more but i didn't know what to say! I wouldn't say she's fat, but she has gotten a little tummy over the summer and i can see now that it bothers her. I was just choosing my words carefully and didn't really know where to go with it. What should i do? I want to be supportive but i don't want to sound mean or like i'm judging her or pressuring her. How she looks is bothering her but i don't know what to say and if she wants help, i want to be there for her. How should i go about this?

TavistockToad

I would be talking to grandma about suitable things to say to a 9 year old if I was you!

cmriverside

I hope you called grandma and told her she won't be spending any more time with her granddaughter.


You handled it well with your daughter. You really need to have a conversation with that grandmother, though. She needs to be put in her place.

218Beth

I hope you called grandma and told her she won't be spending any more time with her granddaughter.


You handled it well with your daughter. You really need to have a conversation with that grandmother, though. She needs to be put in her place.

Yeah. You want to consider reminding your daughter that if someone hurts her feelings, even grandmother, she can tell them that.

obrientp

Like the others, I think what you said to your daughter was perfect. You may need to have a chat with Grandma, though.

Greenrun99

Maybe since you are already looking to lose weight maybe address any food issues in the house like eliminating junk food for healthy alternatives as well as packing better school lunches or educating her on what could be healthier foods instead of fries.. but not in a way that makes it seem like weight may be an issue.
Also maybe you guys can take up a activity together.. father/daughter bike rides, nature walks, anything that involves being more active.
Just a thought.

pastryari

Have a respectful talk with Grandma and see what happened there. In Grandma's defense, the convo may have gone down in a different way than your 9 year old daughter explained it. Who knows.

Encourage your daughter to be more active but other than that, a little tummy on a 9 year old is nothing to be concerned with.

mdcoug

I agree, you and Grandma need to have a little chat.

I think you handled it beautifully. If it comes up again, just repeat what you said to her and maybe let her know that kids' bodies are supposed to grow and change. She'll probably find next year that her body has grown taller instead. Tell her that her health is your priority and that if you ever feel she needs to worry about it in the future, you'll be the first to help her out, but right now, she is completely normal and just fine the way she is.

nolanerinbryon

I have a 14 yr old daughter who kind of thinks the same but she's far from it (5'2 & 115 lbs). I swear some of this is media/ads and peer pressure etc. There's a fair share of kids (some who are overscheduled) that are plenty active but there are also plenty who are too sedentary! It sounds like you said all the right things...and I agree, discussing your concerns with the grandma would be a good idea. Perhaps if your daughter mentions this again, ask her if it's bothering her? If she's not participating in any extra-curricular sports, perhaps you could encourage that avenue...as simply a way to get her moving more? Good luck!

ldrosophila

You said the right thing Dad good job. Love how you told her first and foremost that she has many more qualities besides her weight.

The biggest influence in her life as far as her self esteem and how she feels she looks as a woman (little girl now) will always come from her Father.

And shame on her Grandma for saying anything. I hope you give this woman a good talking to!

Unless her doctor is concerned or you see a change in her growth chart there is nothing to worry about.

Oh and I agree with the others who say there is not harm in talking and encouraging healthful eating and activity. She is right at that threshold of puberty (sorry to say Dad), so in a few years she will "lean" out right now the body is putting down some fat to prepare for the changes. Not saying she's fat, but just a thought in why she might be seeing a "tummy"

elleloch

Wtf, Grandma?

schonkreuz

My 10 year old step-daughter thinks the same thing and it really frustrates me. When she comes over she steps on the scale and says how much she weights (even though she is very tall for her age and rail thin). I always make sure to reassure her that she is beautiful and just right for her age.

MyOwnSunshine

I think you handled it well.

I notice with my 7-year-old daughter that she tends to gain a little weight, to the point she looks a bit chubby, and then she grows 2-3 inches and leans back out. I mostly focus on the health aspects of eating and the fun aspects of exercise and active play without mentioning body weight.

I agree with others, though. I would tell grandma to keep her mouth shut from now on, and if I heard of her saying anything like that to my child again, she wouldn't be spending time with her.

lambchristie

Chat with grandma and let her know it is not her place to tell your child she is 'fat' or any other negative thing. I wouldn't tell Grandma that she can't be around her grandchild; but if it continues she certainly would not have visits one on one with her; which by the way are very important.

Talk honestly (which you've had a good start) with your daughter.
Tell her your struggle (as you are here you must have struggle with weight issues too).
Talk to her about what you've done to get in better shape, choosing food wisely, and all that stuff.
You show her by example by staying active and making good food choices yourself.
Continue doing fun things outdoors that will show her exercise is fun and doesn't mean just what they do at school.
You've got it handled dad.

FitCanuckChick

First off - talk to the grandma and tell her never never never to use that word again. The "F" word to a 9 year old girl is about one of the WORST things you can say to her. Nine is the start of the tweens - that dreaded age where hormones start to kick it up a notch and all of a sudden our "my little pony" loving girls go from sweet and carefree to totally body conscious (mom of a 12 year old girl here).

Secondly, never use the word diet or loose weight. Great phrases that work is tying to how we feel and not how we look. I feel healthy, food is fuel so we want to make sure we are fueling our bodies with healthy food, stuff like that.

Thirdly, summer is tough, there are alot of great food but there are also alot of temptations. Up the veggies in her lunch, fruit as snacks, that sort of stuff if there was a slip in healthy eating. I always have a couple of tupperware containers full of fresh, cut up veggies - carrots, peppers (in 2 or 3 colors), celery, cucs and I have fresh fruit (in many varieties) avaialble in-season.

But if I didn't mention this GRANDMA CANNOT USE THE "FAT" WORD - that needs to be nipped in the bud. Actually in our household "FAT" is a bigger curse word than the f-bomb. The girls now-a-days are under way more pressure to feel like they not only need to be thin - but model thin. This is how ed's start.

Good luck.

CaliforniaBarbie

First like everyone else has said, Grandma needs to learn her boundaries here.
Second you said all the right things.

And this is a time in her life where she will gain a little bit, and thats totally fine. honestly the best thing for both of you guys would be for you as a parent to keep healthy foods around the house, and not sugary snacks (not saying that you do) but also as she gets older teach her the value of healthy eating and maybe have daddy daughter walks and other type of fun exercises. she will be happier, and all around healthy (not that she isnt) but honestly i think the major problem here is grandma and this should be filed under "things never to tell a child"
the comment may have seem harmless when she said it but those types of things can lead to bigger problems. when i was a child (and still to this day) my dad thought it was funny to tell me i was fat as a joke(his sense of humor is odd) and those things, even tho i knew he was joking, mix with other things led to my disorder, things tend to stick with children.

it seems as if youre a great dad.

niftyafterfifty

As most others have said, talk to Grandma, but please be respectful and firm. Her intentions may have been good, but were misdirected. What you said was very loving; I wouldn't talk about it again unless she brought it up. Just start making time to do active things together as a family or during your special "daughter" time. Have lots of healthy food choices available; in other words, lead by example. Keep a close eye on her in case she starts any unhealthy diet trend.

Chemburly12

I completely agree about talking to grandma about her choice of words. Not appropriate.

I think you handled it well. If she continues to seem sensitive about her weight maybe have her help plan a few healthy meals during the week or go for a family walk in the evenings. It'll give you guys some extra daddy\daughter time, enforce some good eating habits, and give you more time to remind her she's beautiful just the way she is.

Hildy_J

Apparently, her grandma told her she's "getting fat and needs to lose weight".

WHAT!? Your mother said this? That would be the last time my kid went there. End of.

She's nine, right - they go out and then they go up at that age, and again at age 12. And nobody mentions it. Ever.

stealthq

...

maybe let her know that kids' bodies are supposed to grow and change.

....

Ditto this - great set-up for the inevitable puberty talks. Maybe show her how other animals change proportions as they grow then expand to humans - puppies into dogs, kittens into cats, etc, and take the 'every stage is different, and every stage is beautiful in it's own way' route.

BinaryPulsar

It's normal for your daughter to have put on a little weight at this age. She is starting to have the hormonal shifts as she moves towards puberty (happens at different ages for different kids). Just keep her active (fun) and have her not undereat, and when she is full it's ok to stop eating.

Some people, women (Grandma) can be so tough on kids. They think they are doing the right thing to help them not get fat as they get into their teen and young adult years. But, it can cause problems. Girls have enough to deal with, they don't need the women (mothers/grandmothers) in their family telling them to be careful not to get fat. They forget that these girls are still growing (physically, mentally and emotionally).

qtgonewild

my step daughter had the same problem at 9-10-11 and then she started getting a body. hips and a waist and she is thin now at 13. so shes just growing. thats what i would say.

devil_in_a_blue_dress

I think what you said was good. But I would definitely stress to your daughter that her grandma did something wrong and and if she does it again to make sure she tells you.

Then you tell grandma that her access to your daughter is contingent upon her treating your daughter well and what she did was a serious breach of your trust.

sillygoosie

Sounds like you handled it perfectly and didn't make too much of a fuss over it. There are people (*cough cough* her stepmother) in my 11 year old daughter's life that tell her stupid *kitten* that kills her confidence all the time. I try not to make too big of a deal and reassure her that she's a fabulous person. Inside I'm raging.

Your daughter is just starting to develop which is such an awkward time. To a certain extent, it's perfectly normal to start gaining a little weight. Sounds like she has a good dad by her side. Kudos to you.

lumpy_spaceprincess

It sounds to me like you dealt with it perfectly at the time. However it sounds like she may need her self esteem boosted a little, so try to make an effort to give her lots of compliments for little things, about how she looks and also the things she does, just to help her feel more like herself again.

And even more importantly than that- you MUST speak with her grandmother and tell her to never speak to your little girl like that again. Tell your daughter that if grandma says any more horrible things that she's to tell you.

_zombiegirl_

What an awesome daddy. My dad passed away when I was 9, and consequently, that is when I started getting fat. So this kind of struck a chord with me and I felt the need to chime in... little girls absolutely do look to Dad for approval, the first man in their lives, and I think it's awesome that you told her how beautiful she is no matter what.

I agree with what everyone else has said so far... talk with Grandma and see what the heck happened there. Your support for your little girl is amazing, I think you said the right thing. If it were me, I'd follow it up with activities you can do together and making healthy choices without putting any emphasis on weight or body image. Poor kid didn't need more pressure to look a certain way, especially at 9. Keep building her self-esteem. You're doing fantastic.

tiger4nikki

Definitely speak with the grandmother about how she made her grandchild feel and tell her to never say anything like that again. I think you said the right thing to your daughter and also, in the future, just make sure you tell her how beautiful she is all the time. If she keeps complaining about her appearance, tell her that if it bothers her, you can show her some healthier food choices and leave it at that. I think you're doing great so far with what you said. :-)

ldrosophila

Sounds like you handled it perfectly and didn't make too much of a fuss over it. There are people (*cough cough* her stepmother) in my 11 year old daughter's life that tell her stupid *kitten* that kills her confidence all the time. I try not to make too big of a deal and reassure her that she's a fabulous person. Inside I'm raging.

Your daughter is just starting to develop which is such an awkward time. To a certain extent, it's perfectly normal to start gaining a little weight. Sounds like she has a good dad by her side. Kudos to you.

Her stepmother is wrecking her self esteem? Ouch how do you handle that besides kick your ex in the nuts for allowing a woman to talk to his daughter like that and kill a b_tch. I'd be one pissed off Mama.

JewelsinBigD

Maybe since you are already looking to lose weight maybe address any food issues in the house like eliminating junk food for healthy alternatives as well as packing better school lunches or educating her on what could be healthier foods instead of fries.. but not in a way that makes it seem like weight may be an issue.
Also maybe you guys can take up a activity together.. father/daughter bike rides, nature walks, anything that involves being more active.
Just a thought.

I like this response. The reality is that she WILL be judged on her appearance. Tell her she is beautiful to you - that will mean a lot. But don't let her think that getting fat is OK too - because we all know it is slippery slope - i.e. the reason we are on here. Encourage good habits, encourage exercise and encourage her to read packages of food before she eats them - that has changed the way my 10 and 8 year old look at food.
Grandma could have said it nicer - BUT it is nothing that she is not going to hear at school if someone she loves is saying it to her. Help her fix it now....she will REALLY appreciate your support and remember to tell her how pretty she is to you!

rebelate

Call her grandmother, and have a little chat.

Then, I would have a talk with your daughter about her own body image, and try talking about the word "fat." Does she think fat just means big, or does she associate it with lazy, sloppy, disgusting, not beautiful? I would explain that size, and health don't always go hand in hand, and size and beauty don't always go hand in hand.

I think you handled it wonderfully. No child should ever have to worry about their body. I would have killed to have a supportive father like you at that age.

I hope you can get this sorted out.

KathleenMurry

First off - Grandma is a B***. I hope she's the mom's mom and not your mom because then I feel sort of bad. No wait, I don't!

If you notice your daughter is gaining weight and she is getting upset about it, there really isn't anything "right" to say. Just keep being supportive and positive BUT It's not up to a 9 year old to make herself fat or thin - it's up to the parents. Her weight is in your hands. You buy the groceries and prepare the meals. You make her lunches for school. You enroll her in activities (or don't). The best thing you can do for her is lead by example, keep junk food out of the house and make sure she has an active lifestyle. And also tell Grandma to butt out!

My mom was always concerned about health and weight as I grew up but she never said a word about it to me. She made sure we never had pop, sugary snacks, sugary cereal etc in the house. Fast food was a treat. She made sure I had a winter sport and a summer sport so I was active all year round. All 5 of us kids stayed fit (until one of my brothers and my sister moved out and went to uni).