My 9 year old daughter thinks she's fat. What to do?

ecka723

Personally, I think you handled it not only as well as you could, but perfectly.

As someone who was in that situation at 9 (yup, Grandma saying mean things only days after my parents separated, not on good terms) it sorta messed me up bad. I wish my dad would've said what you said. Instead, I got the "it doesn't matter what others say about you, but how you feel about yourself". However, I did grow up not caring what other people said about me so, I guess it was a good thing.

Kudos to you for handling it well!

CorvusCorax77

You are a good papa, if this story is any evidence!

Tell grandma to STFU about your kid's body....

and if there is a serious weight issue happening, talk it over with a doc. It sounds like it's not a serious issue. Kids put on weight just before growth spurts. I seen it a million times. So it's possible she's just getting ready for a growth spurt.

TheCaren

I realize now that my body image issues were creeping onto my daughter when at ten years old she complained that her thighs were too big. And she was at a very healthy body weight and certainly didn't have big thighs. If I knew then what I know now, I would not have discussed my own body image concerns in her presence, but I didn't know better then.

If your daughter has a weight problem, talk to her doctor privately about what the best approach is to shore up her self esteem but help her get to and maintain a healthy body weight. If she doesn't have a weight problem, then you need to just tell her straight out that her body is just fine as is.

In the meanwhile, someone needs to put a muzzle on grandma, because even if she is overweight, grandma's statements are just going to destroy her fragile self esteem and probably create a bigger weight problem than already exists. In my opinion.

jonnythan

Time for grandma to say hello to a nursing home.

ethompso0105

You did the right thing! Continue to remind her that the most important thing is not what she looks like, but who she is. Of course encouraging healthy eating and activity is helpful, but it shouldn't be about weight-loss at this point. I taught 3rd and 4th grade (the same age group) and too many of my students were "dieting". It's so sad. Make sure she's healthy and happy and has a good foundation for healthy habits.

My grandma pulled the same stunt with me when I was that age. I was *just* starting to gain some excess wight, but it wasn't too bad. She tried to bribe me by saying that if I ran up and down the hill in my parent's yard 3 times every day for the summer, she'd get me some toy or something I had been wishing for. I found out that summer that I have asthma. Thanks Grandma.

Years later, Grandma pulled a doozie by telling me that if I lost weight I'd be in a better job and married. Awesome. My dad talked to her, but her own self-esteem issues are clearly coming into play. Maybe this is the case with your baby's grandma? I've learned to embrace my grandma, even when she says hurtful things like this--but I'm 30...not 9.

Best of luck with your situation!! Sounds like you've set up a wonderfully safe place for your daughter!

bethannien

Maybe since you are already looking to lose weight maybe address any food issues in the house like eliminating junk food for healthy alternatives as well as packing better school lunches or educating her on what could be healthier foods instead of fries.. but not in a way that makes it seem like weight may be an issue.
Also maybe you guys can take up a activity together.. father/daughter bike rides, nature walks, anything that involves being more active.
Just a thought.

I like this response. The reality is that she WILL be judged on her appearance. Tell her she is beautiful to you - that will mean a lot. But don't let her think that getting fat is OK too - because we all know it is slippery slope - i.e. the reason we are on here. Encourage good habits, encourage exercise and encourage her to read packages of food before she eats them - that has changed the way my 10 and 8 year old look at food.
Grandma could have said it nicer - BUT it is nothing that she is not going to hear at school if someone she loves is saying it to her. Help her fix it now....she will REALLY appreciate your support and remember to tell her how pretty she is to you!

Often times, a 9 year old is beginning to develop. So I have to disagree with you a bit. There is nothing to FIX. Reinforce good habits, definitely. But telling a little girl who sounds like she's growing normally that she needs to FIX herself is asking for long term struggles. I think op did a great job. She's lucky to have such a kind, compassionate Dad.

igotabulletproofheart

Honestly? Help her before it gets worse. If she's gained a bit of a tummy then find out why and fix it. I'm taking a shot in the dark and assuming it's that holiday diet everyone - even adults - fall for. Help her eat healthier and teach her how to live a healthy lifestyle. Mention nothing about dieting or looking fit/thin when she's around. If she asks you questions, tell her the truth but explain and get her to understand.

I was sort of in her position around that age as I was bullied at age 10 and developed body dysmorphia at 11. Though in my case I actually had people tell me they didn't want to be around me because I was "too fat". Although they really helped me with the bullying, my family didn't do anything about the weight so I kept gaining and gaining and gaining until I did something about it myself at 16 and inevitably developed EDNOS/anorexia. Obviously I'm not saying this will happen to your daughter but if she is worried about her weight then this is her chance to develop a healthy lifestyle and not just a healthy diet. Today's generation of kids are so much more susceptible to the negative effects of pride in vanity so it's really important to teach them that their health is more important than their looks whilst they're young.

leslturn8

When I was 16 I wished someone told me I was fat, noone did and I didnt notice. But your daughter is NINE! Massive difference! Her body is still developing and her nan of all people should recognize this!

The problem maybe isnt with her nan, did the nan say it out right or did your daughter broach it first and the nan just said.....
You have to look out for bullies and the environment around her as well.

If the nan is the "out spoken give it to them as it is and no sugar coating" type, I would be telling your daughter that nan's just a grouch and to ignore the mean words, that you will tell her if there was a problem and to be happy with herself. If it is your daughters worry and she isnt happy well bring her in on the action. Take her for jogs tell her a nutrition fact every day, keep her on her toes, but keep in mind she is 9 and you dont want to over do it. If you do protein powder and she wants to do it too, you just draw the line and give her milo or choc powder, thats her recovery drink thats all that her growing bodies need to repair and build their great muscles, where as protein powder is for adults and there are certain ingredients that children already have or shouldnt have as yet as their bodies are still growing and adapting. Explain food groups, explain movement and rest and calculate her bmr. Dont go too far in depth, just engage her in the right things and wrong things to put in our bodies and how much energy we need to fuction and thats why people get tired and keep it open ended.

Best thing is to talk about it with her nan first though, see how it played out and if it be the case that the nan is "that type" I would say "please dont say anything of the sort again, its not your place and honesty is a two way street".

I agree with teaching her the best now and engaging her and other children in an active environment at a younger age, so that they learn and adapt this to their lives.

Have a family walk every afternoon or Sundays are park day or bike rides or anything.
You are her role model and she will follow you in your journey.

clarkeje1

If my dad saw me eating a lot or something fattening he used to say, "YOU BETTER QUIT EATING THAT SH1T BEFORE YOU GET A FAT *kitten*! lol and look how good I turned out! hahaha I never would listen to him, just laughed it off and ate whatever. Didn't really gain any weight until 23 and now losing it so it wasn't really a big deal. I just thought that would be a fun fact to share. I think what you said was good

learnerdriver

We had this problem in my daughter's PREP grade- it wasn't just my daughter but also her friends (ages 5 and 6)

Apparently some other little girl thought it was extremely cool to tell the other girls they were fat-along the lines of "you've got blond hair , you've got orange hair"...etc

I cracked it with the school, when my daughter told me she couldn't eat an apple because it would make her fat.

What we focus on is balanced eating and movement. I think what you said was great.

My dad told her (now 7) at a family lunch recently that she would get fat, because she wanted a second helping of mango pudding. My sisters cracked it, and amazingly enough, my little girl didn't dissolve into tears.

kennethmgreen

Have a respectful talk with Grandma and see what happened there. In Grandma's defense, the convo may have gone down in a different way than your 9 year old daughter explained it. Who knows.

Encourage your daughter to be more active but other than that, a little tummy on a 9 year old is nothing to be concerned with.

Haven't read all the responses, but I'm sure there are a number of people up in arms about how horrible grandma is. Even though I'd probably advise not even talking to grandma, I like the response above because it's reasonable and fair.

Whatever grandma said, having a talk to her about it might be the way you want to go. Personally, I think you already laid the groundwork for a healthy conversation with your daughters and said the right thing at the time.

Part of growing up is learning to deal with things other people say that might be awkward, inappropriate, mean and even abusive. As parents, we should ready our kids for those situations. The solution isn't always going to the "attacker" in my opinion. Grandma may mean well, and may also not be in a position to be told how to talk to her grandchildren. I'm not defending what she may have said, only suggesting that going to grandma may:
1. solve very little
2. create little to no change in how she communicates
3. create conflict between you and her
4. create conflict/awkwardness between her and your daughter

Of course, those risks may be worth it to you. I just hate to see the riled-up responses stemming from the "no one should talk to any child like that" perspective. I don't think that attitude solves many problems. And often creates more conflict.

I'm raising two girls, 9 and 11 now. They are told stuff by other adults all the time that doesn't sit right with me. Their grandmothers are a little crazy, but do love them. We struggled with similar issues (not just about body image, but about money, manners, clothing, respect, food choices, etc.)

Taking a stance on "how you should treat my child" can be tough. And I know plenty of parents that LIVE for the opportunity to do so. And I would always want to be an advocate for my kids. But I also try to focus on the real world, and recognize that often, teaching them how to deal with different people, different environments, etc. seems like a more productive approach than attempting to "correct" or change people or environments around them.

Unless your daughter is really obese, of your family pediatrician is concerned about her weight, 9 is pretty young to be worried about body image stuff. I know it happens, though. Good luck.

UsedToBeHusky

First off, you totally nailed it! WTG Dad!!

As far as helping her with her weight, take her out for more activities... ride bikes, take her hiking, maybe put her in sports. Make certain that her meals are healthy, and you teach her how to read nutrition labels and how to recognize portions, and make certain that you focus on health and not her weight.

And if I were you, I would have a talk with grandma about molding your child's body image.

Joebob8

My grandmother drove me nuts when I was little about my weight. She would fat shame me (ie by not allowing me to have a slice of pizza at my cousin's birthday party, by putting me on a scale, by taking me to a dietician t the age of 7, etc). It was horrible. I thought that life was a cycle of restrictive dieting and periods of rewards of ice cream sundaes and pound cake. I didn't understand what it meant to just be a healthy active person until later in life. I also hid food in my room alot to avoid confrontation. Now years later I am thin and she constantly comments on how good i look compared to what a fat kid I was and makes me turn around in front of people to admire my tush. I am a successful married attorney but her greatest source of pride is my behind. My mom apologizes to me to this day for not protecting me more. As an adult, I just find it humorous and understand she is from a different generation. I wasn't so understanding as a kid.

My thoughts: kids imitate their parents. It's not what you say, it's what you do. Put an emphasis on how important it is to be healthy, fit, strong and active as opposed to thin or beautiful. How good being healthy feels. Playing instead of watching tv. Eating carrots for good vision and strawberries for white teeth. And lead by example. And tell grandma to shove it.

StephanieMM2013

I was overweight at 12 years old. The doctor gently informed my parents I should probably lose a bit, but they got offended and told me "Everyone has a chubby phase".

I cant speak for everyone, but for me, it felt like they were just avoiding doing the hard thing and blowing it (and my well being) off by saying something ignorant like that.

Looking back, I think the absolute best thing they could have done was emphasize health. If they had shown me that my health was most important, even if it was hard for me to hear/offensive, it would have ultimately meant the world to me. If they had worked out with me, eaten healthy with me... it would have helped our relationship immensely.

Later in life, I feel like I cant talk to them about my struggle with eating healthy and exercising and WEIGHT. In my opinion, you should open that door now and keep it open into adult hood.

YaGigi

Aaaaaaaw, you are such a sweet father... You said the right thing to keep your daughter confident.

Maybe you need to re evaluate the food she eats, give her less junk food and more veggies and fruits, and maybe she would be interested in some activities like soccer?

I doubt her grandma told her "you're fat" exactly like this. Maybe she used other words but your daughter heard it this way. You should talk to the grandma.

And there's nothing wrong with keeping your daughter on a diet or for her to know her weight. I was in a dancing school since 7 and knew my weight and measurements, it didn't make me anorexic or bulimic in my adult life.

bcarman86

I agree, you and Grandma need to have a little chat.

I think you handled it beautifully. If it comes up again, just repeat what you said to her and maybe let her know that kids' bodies are supposed to grow and change. She'll probably find next year that her body has grown taller instead. Tell her that her health is your priority and that if you ever feel she needs to worry about it in the future, you'll be the first to help her out, but right now, she is completely normal and just fine the way she is.

Nicely put.