My 9 year old daughter thinks she's fat. What to do?
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My great Grandma was like this. She was very hard on my aunt's when they were young. She believed the women were meant to care for children, live in clean fancy houses and eat like birds to keep their figure.
I remember an episode of Mad Men when the stay at home wives asked a divorce neighbor lady where she walked to, not realizing that walking is exercise. For many decades, women were told to eat very little and not exercise. Thus, the number of fat old ladies we have today or women who have destroyed their metabolism by under
eating.
It's really important to keep her body image alive and not let her think she needs to look like women in magazines, who do not look like that in real life anyway. Maybe get her to do some kind of sport with you? Go play tennis, sign up to do an all ages mud-run and train together? Plan and try healthy meals together? Something of the sort.
My mom was judgmental about weight. Though I now know her intentions, it pissed me off all of my childhood and I rebelled.0 -
Yup, grandma needs a talking to.
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You did good, dad. I'm with everyone else- please have a talk with grandma about the "fat" comment, find out her perspective on the situation, and let her know it obviously affected your daughter in a self-esteem deflating way. A 9 year-old child should not be concerned about weight issues. Living a healthy lifestyle is far more important than being "skinny."
Also, if I may suggest a documentary that might help show your daughter how the media skews images: it's called Miss Representation. I don't recall there being anything in it that she shouldn't see, but you might want to view it first to make sure. It might help her understand that what she sees on tv and in magazines is not reality. (Something even we as adults sometimes forget...)
Good luck!0 -
You buy the groceries and prepare the meals. You make her lunches for school. You enroll her in activities (or don't). The best thing you can do for her is lead by example, keep junk food out of the house and make sure she has an active lifestyle.
Just remember - kids outside playing is a fantastic and free activity. I will take my kids to the park and set up "obstacle courses" for a fun activity. There are elements of running, climbing and competing involved - they LOVE it. And, they get an extra jolt of activity too.0 -
I hope you called grandma and told her she won't be spending any more time with her granddaughter.
You handled it well with your daughter. You really need to have a conversation with that grandmother, though. She needs to be put in her place.
I agree with this 110%.0 -
Here's a few websites that may help: http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/talk/body_image.html and http://www.womenshealth.gov/body-image/kids/0
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As everyone else is already saying- you handled it well and talk to Grandma.
To add a bit of personal experience- my father pressured me to lose weight and actualy forced me to use an eliptical everyday starting about your daughters age. Ironically enough i also had a grandmother who liked to point out that i wasnt a skinny kid.I ended up developing an eating disorder by the time I was 12.
ENCOURAGE healthy choices. But never force them on someone. Spend time with your daughter outside. Throw a frisbee, go to the park, go to a festival, etc. Also keep in mind that some people gain a bit of weight before hitting puberty. My brothers and sisters all got a bit chubby and then shot up to be tall and thin.0 -
I think you did a great job! At her age, she could just be gaining baby fat in order to grow. I would definitely have a talk to her grandma.0
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Oh my.. as everyone else requested, have a talk with grandma.
Growing up, none of the adults in my family said anything about my weight but my brothers sure found it fun to tease me. It honestly wrecked my self esteem and paved the way for a whole lotta self-destruction. I couldn't ever imagine my grandma (may she rest in peace) saying I was fat or anything. It would crush me.
I like the idea of you two doing fun stuff together like walks or bike rides. Maybe pack a healthy picnic and go for a walk in the park and talk about nutrition without bringing up weight.
Good luck, dad! In my opinion, you handled it wonderfully. :flowerforyou:0 -
YOU handleded it fine. Shame on grandma! With my daughters I compliment them a lot. Not on physical things, but their strengths. I tell my 7 year old "wow you are such a great runner!" My older daughter is (11) she's very comfortable with her body and intey believe it's because I put such a big focus on other things. "Wow I really love the language you use when writing"... Etc. girls have it so hard and the biggest and best thing you can do is show them you love them and build them up. You are a good daddy.
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Some kids put on a little weight before they have a growth spurt - very natural and does not mean they are fat. Girls often put on a little weight before puberty hits, too, and it seems to hit younger and younger these days! Keep telling your daughter how much you love her and how beautiful she is, inside and out. Provide her with healthy food and involve her in outside activities. If she see's you eating/exercising right, she'll be more likely to emulate you.
Tell Grandma she was out of line! I'm a grandma and would never want to say anything to my beautiful granddaughters to make them feel bad about themselves!0 -
ENCOURAGE healthy choices. But never force them on someone. Spend time with your daughter outside. Throw a frisbee, go to the park, go to a festival, etc. Also keep in mind that some people gain a bit of weight before hitting puberty. My brothers and sisters all got a bit chubby and then shot up to be tall and thin.
This. When I was young I felt terribly fat esp since my town was mostly made up of tall, willowy, rich blonds and their beautiful daughters. My mother never commented on my weight other than to say "You are healthy. You can do what you want. That is what is important. Nothing else."
Eventually I became overweight (partially because I was bullied a lot and felt like I could never be skinny so I might as well just be fat). I found my own way through my mother's loving support.
Every time I felt fat, we'd go on a walk and talk about it. After the walk I would feel so much better and my mother would remind me that exercise isn't just about losing weight it's about stress relief.
Oh, and that one time I tried to diet when I was 14? I got an earful of "you'll mess up your metabolism if you under eat then you WILL have problems later on. Focus on getting out and enjoying life! You can run can't you? You can climb can't you? Why worry about your weight when you're so healthy! Go out and enjoy life! Do you want to go on a walk?"0 -
You should show her this.....
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2289354/Eat-appals-34-pooshups-Horrified-mother-finds-handwritten-diet-exercise-regime-seven-year-old-daughters-bedroom.html
I had to have "the talk" with my mother in law when my oldest was, wait for it, 5 years old. Every time she would lift her on her knee she would totally make a big deal about how big or heavy she was....at 5 my daughter got very sad becasue she drew the conclusion that she was "fat". So we had a chat about how early bad body images start. The ironic thing here is my husband is the tallest in his family and I am the shortest in mine - we are the same height. My mother in law weighs 110 fully dressed and soaking wet. Now that my daughter is 12, she is almost a head taller than her grandma - so her "heavy" was tall.0 -
I think you did fine, but I also think it's okay to offer suggestions on being healthier, i.e. be more active, watch less T.V., eat your fruits and veggies.
And parents should also never refer to themselves as "fat" or obsess over "diets" in front of their children.0 -
Sounds like you handled it perfectly and didn't make too much of a fuss over it. There are people (*cough cough* her stepmother) in my 11 year old daughter's life that tell her stupid *kitten* that kills her confidence all the time. I try not to make too big of a deal and reassure her that she's a fabulous person. Inside I'm raging.
Your daughter is just starting to develop which is such an awkward time. To a certain extent, it's perfectly normal to start gaining a little weight. Sounds like she has a good dad by her side. Kudos to you.
Her stepmother is wrecking her self esteem? Ouch how do you handle that besides kick your ex in the nuts for allowing a woman to talk to his daughter like that and kill a b_tch. I'd be one pissed off Mama.
It's my job as her mom to nurture her, not her immature, uninformed stepmother's. I would pitch a fit if she ever said anything of real importance. She just tells her stupid things like "your face looks blue" and "that hat makes you look short". I don't mention any of this to her dad and his wife because I'm trying to teach my girl how to let things roll off her back and not to accept the judgement of others. I also figure he is being punished enough by being married to an idiot.0 -
I will weigh and measure the height of my kids (I also have a 9 year old) and they view gaining weight the same as growing taller. They get a big smile and happy and run around telling everyone they grew. I talk about being active to be strong and healthy and eating to be strong and healthy. And I tell them I eat to have strong muscles. They want to lift weights and have strong muscles also. They think I'm really strong.
With food I teach them healthy eating habits. I tell them not to go hungry and eat as much as they need (they are slim), but if they are full they don't need to force themselves to eat more than they feel comfortable with. And they are active with play, running and dance.0 -
Tell her she is beautiful and awesome and smart and funny and you love her. Tell her she's your princess and you will love her forever and ever and she will always be the most beautiful princess on the planet to you. Tell her her body is one of 7 billion on this planet with two arms, two legs, shoulders, knees, elbows, two eyes, two ears... none of them is the same. Hers is perfect as it is.0
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We have been dealing with this at home with our eleven year old. Three years ago her pediatrician told me (in front of her) that she was in the 85% in weight and that she was considered overweight. My daughter catches everything - nothing gets by her and it upset her that she wasn't perfect. Weight is a problem (with grandparents especially) on both sides of our families. I'm fitness obsessed and this combined with her confused thoughts of fat and fit has led to these problems with my daughter thinking she was fat. We have been concerned because she is the same weight at every well child since then. Now she is in the 10% weight. We have been working with her on body image and have been daily discussing health and healthy living versus fat and skinny. Small steps for her but she is taking them and has put on some weight. While it pains me to say this, girls especially get their feelings and ideas on diet, exercise, and body image from the women in their lives. Looking back, I wish I had led more without the verbal input. Good luck to you!0
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Soooo an awkward situation for a daddio! I took my kid out for daddy and daughter day (just out having fun together) and she asked me if i thought she was fat. This was...new to me. I didn't know she really thought about those kinds of things. Apparently, her grandma told her she's "getting fat and needs to lose weight". I didn't really know what to say because i know whatever i say will mean alot to her and i didn't want to kill her confidence. I just said something like "you're beautiful the way you are and who you are is so much more than how you look. Good heart, smart, good person. And you've got all those covered. I don't think you're fat. Just keep yourself busy with activities and you'll be fine".
I feel like i should've said more but i didn't know what to say! I wouldn't say she's fat, but she has gotten a little tummy over the summer and i can see now that it bothers her. I was just choosing my words carefully and didn't really know where to go with it. What should i do? I want to be supportive but i don't want to sound mean or like i'm judging her or pressuring her. How she looks is bothering her but i don't know what to say and if she wants help, i want to be there for her. How should i go about this?
Kids can gain and lose weight between and during growth spurts. I was a little heavy as a kid but nothing really that bad. I was never obese. Based on my experiences, I would just keep her active by get her into activities that will help her manage her weight that she enjoys. Getting her used to eating healthy, but not really expressing anything verbally could help too. Maybe some verbal direction later would be appropriate but not at 9 years old. Just have healthy foods around the house. I think when you push your child to not manage the amount they eat themselves ( managing what they eat for them) and push them to exercise in ways they do not enjoy ( like taking them out to run outside in a more adult-like way, specifically to lose weight) makes girls feel like something is wrong with them, that they are fat and undermines everything you are trying to achieve with your daughter health wise. I know I became resistant to this kind of behavior and ended up eating when people were not around and not wanting to be active. Talking openly with your daughter would help too. Make sure she is expressing what is going on in her world. If you do not know what is going on inside her, especially if negative, hard to deal with things are happening, that can cause weight gain. I used to be a closed book with my parents and never expressed the difficult things that were happening at school. Sometimes I was made fun of for being fat and it seemed like no one wanted to get to know me and be my friend even when I tried. I kept this all to myself. As a father, try to be friends with your daughter. I know I rarely felt my dad liked me because of things he said and because of the distance in our relationship.0 -
I like this response. The reality is that she WILL be judged on her appearance. Tell her she is beautiful to you - that will mean a lot. But don't let her think that getting fat is OK too - because we all know it is slippery slope - i.e. the reason we are on here. Encourage good habits, encourage exercise and encourage her to read packages of food before she eats them - that has changed the way my 10 and 8 year old look at food.Maybe since you are already looking to lose weight maybe address any food issues in the house like eliminating junk food for healthy alternatives as well as packing better school lunches or educating her on what could be healthier foods instead of fries.. but not in a way that makes it seem like weight may be an issue.
Also maybe you guys can take up a activity together.. father/daughter bike rides, nature walks, anything that involves being more active.
Just a thought.
Grandma could have said it nicer - BUT it is nothing that she is not going to hear at school if someone she loves is saying it to her. Help her fix it now....she will REALLY appreciate your support and remember to tell her how pretty she is to you!
I don't know. I just don't think in our culture there is much risk for someone to think it is okay to be fat, except maybe in some minority cultures where it is acceptable. I have never felt that even though I have struggled with my weight throughout my life. I was not obese just overweight growing up and I was really picked on and ostracized for my size ( at least I thought it was because of my weight), but not as bad as a girl who was definitely obese. She was treated so bad by kids at school. I feel so bad for her because she must have had such a hard life. Later we heard that her dad committed suicide. This was in 4th or 5th grade. I wonder how she turned out because she was tormented during elementary school.
On the last season of Biggest Loser they stressed lifestyle changes for younger kids, like being involved in physical activities ( playing with kids and doing sports) and getting the parents to have healthy foods around. I think that is the way to go at young ages. Maybe when your child is a teenager it would be appropriate to give more guidance about tracking calories and reading food labels.
The biggest thing that would have helped me is just encouraging activity and not letting me stay at home alone. My sisters would do sports so my dad and mom would take them and I would stay home and eat. I would always try to eat when they were not around. It was a very destructive cycle. I did some sports too, but not enough when I was a teenager. It was hard because even being a little overweight made a sport like swimming very difficult. I loved to swim but there was such a big change from one level to the next where I took my lessons that it was impossible for me to complete the class. Weight issues were never fun for me and there was definitely no reason to think it was okay. I felt constantly that it was not. Overweight is a problem of natural appetites and desires being out of control and it is hard to change.0 -
First off - talk to the grandma and tell her never never never to use that word again. The "F" word to a 9 year old girl is about one of the WORST things you can say to her. Nine is the start of the tweens - that dreaded age where hormones start to kick it up a notch and all of a sudden our "my little pony" loving girls go from sweet and carefree to totally body conscious (mom of a 12 year old girl here).
Secondly, never use the word diet or loose weight. Great phrases that work is tying to how we feel and not how we look. I feel healthy, food is fuel so we want to make sure we are fueling our bodies with healthy food, stuff like that.
Thirdly, summer is tough, there are alot of great food but there are also alot of temptations. Up the veggies in her lunch, fruit as snacks, that sort of stuff if there was a slip in healthy eating. I always have a couple of tupperware containers full of fresh, cut up veggies - carrots, peppers (in 2 or 3 colors), celery, cucs and I have fresh fruit (in many varieties) avaialble in-season.
But if I didn't mention this GRANDMA CANNOT USE THE "FAT" WORD - that needs to be nipped in the bud. Actually in our household "FAT" is a bigger curse word than the f-bomb. The girls now-a-days are under way more pressure to feel like they not only need to be thin - but model thin. This is how ed's start.
Good luck.
I like how the "fat" word is a bigger curse word in your house than the f-word. 0 -
maybe she is getting fat
take her to the docs.0 -
I'd have a talk with her grandmother about how she could be fueling a potential "eating disorder".0
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Have a respectful talk with Grandma and see what happened there. In Grandma's defense, the convo may have gone down in a different way than your 9 year old daughter explained it. Who knows.
Encourage your daughter to be more active but other than that, a little tummy on a 9 year old is nothing to be concerned with.
Good advice, as always! :flowerforyou:0 -
yikes who would tell a lil girl that!!! Maybe get her in a lil junior sports team or something it would be healthy for her and maybe you too could bond She could just be about to hit a growth spurt I know that's what happened to my nephew. he gains some weight then shot up 2 feet! 0
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In Grandma's defense, the convo may have gone down in a different way than your 9 year old daughter explained it. Who knows.
Grandma's going to lie about it to save her own skin. Of course she is. She controls the family, they're all scared of her and she isn't going to give up her power without a fight.*
*note: this post is merely speculative and offers no evidence whatsoever in support of this theory0 -
Sounds like you said all the right words! WTG Dad!
I would talk about eating healthy and running around and having fun!! If its fun, children are more likely to join in! I have dance contests with my kids and my nephews
My youngest daughter is teased for her weight by the little punks at school..what they don't know is she has a thyroid issue and we are battling it. She has lost some weight...its slow going but we are getting there...and I feed her a lot of healthy veggies if I can get her to eat them...LOL Fruit is easier.
As everyone is saying its normal for them to gain weight right before a growth spurt. My oldest was about 9 when she gained weight and stopped having the growth spurts that evened out..and she just started gaining weight. She is now dropping weight slowly as well because of healthier eating and exercise. Bikes, playing tag, dancing, basketball...anything that keeps their interest! Its a wonderful thing!0 -
Grandma had similar "talks" with my son (years and years ago). Then peer pressure. He was not overly heavy but very tall for his age too. SO long story short - I took him to his physician for a physical. Doctor was told at the time that he was being told he was fat, chubby etc. Doctor said he was fine for his age and height and she was smarter than any of his schoolmates or his grandmother! *Iol* Sure enough - his standard reply became "hey, whatever, my doctor says I am perfectly healthy and my blood work was great too!"
Sounds like you handled it well. Perhaps just involving your daughter in more physical activities will empower her sense of well-being. Best of luck!0 -
That's a perfect thing to say to your daughter. When I was around her age everyone had a little tummy. Mine didn't even out until I was 13 or so. It's just her body changing. You're right, as long as she keeps active and eating well she'll have nothing to worry about. 0
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You did a great job!
I also have a 9 yr old who is now body-conscious and I spend lots of time encouraging her and reminding her how gorgeous she is....
Have a talk with grandma...Our older generation have always been a tad bit too blunt and may have been thinking she was helping without taking into account how tender a 9yr old's psyche is.0
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