My 9 year old daughter thinks she's fat. What to do?

qtgonewild

my step daughter had the same problem at 9-10-11 and then she started getting a body. hips and a waist and she is thin now at 13. so shes just growing. thats what i would say.

devil_in_a_blue_dress

I think what you said was good. But I would definitely stress to your daughter that her grandma did something wrong and and if she does it again to make sure she tells you.

Then you tell grandma that her access to your daughter is contingent upon her treating your daughter well and what she did was a serious breach of your trust.

sillygoosie

Sounds like you handled it perfectly and didn't make too much of a fuss over it. There are people (*cough cough* her stepmother) in my 11 year old daughter's life that tell her stupid *kitten* that kills her confidence all the time. I try not to make too big of a deal and reassure her that she's a fabulous person. Inside I'm raging.

Your daughter is just starting to develop which is such an awkward time. To a certain extent, it's perfectly normal to start gaining a little weight. Sounds like she has a good dad by her side. Kudos to you.

lumpy_spaceprincess

It sounds to me like you dealt with it perfectly at the time. However it sounds like she may need her self esteem boosted a little, so try to make an effort to give her lots of compliments for little things, about how she looks and also the things she does, just to help her feel more like herself again.

And even more importantly than that- you MUST speak with her grandmother and tell her to never speak to your little girl like that again. Tell your daughter that if grandma says any more horrible things that she's to tell you.

_zombiegirl_

What an awesome daddy. My dad passed away when I was 9, and consequently, that is when I started getting fat. So this kind of struck a chord with me and I felt the need to chime in... little girls absolutely do look to Dad for approval, the first man in their lives, and I think it's awesome that you told her how beautiful she is no matter what.

I agree with what everyone else has said so far... talk with Grandma and see what the heck happened there. Your support for your little girl is amazing, I think you said the right thing. If it were me, I'd follow it up with activities you can do together and making healthy choices without putting any emphasis on weight or body image. Poor kid didn't need more pressure to look a certain way, especially at 9. Keep building her self-esteem. You're doing fantastic.

tiger4nikki

Definitely speak with the grandmother about how she made her grandchild feel and tell her to never say anything like that again. I think you said the right thing to your daughter and also, in the future, just make sure you tell her how beautiful she is all the time. If she keeps complaining about her appearance, tell her that if it bothers her, you can show her some healthier food choices and leave it at that. I think you're doing great so far with what you said. :-)

ldrosophila

Sounds like you handled it perfectly and didn't make too much of a fuss over it. There are people (*cough cough* her stepmother) in my 11 year old daughter's life that tell her stupid *kitten* that kills her confidence all the time. I try not to make too big of a deal and reassure her that she's a fabulous person. Inside I'm raging.

Your daughter is just starting to develop which is such an awkward time. To a certain extent, it's perfectly normal to start gaining a little weight. Sounds like she has a good dad by her side. Kudos to you.

Her stepmother is wrecking her self esteem? Ouch how do you handle that besides kick your ex in the nuts for allowing a woman to talk to his daughter like that and kill a b_tch. I'd be one pissed off Mama.

JewelsinBigD

Maybe since you are already looking to lose weight maybe address any food issues in the house like eliminating junk food for healthy alternatives as well as packing better school lunches or educating her on what could be healthier foods instead of fries.. but not in a way that makes it seem like weight may be an issue.
Also maybe you guys can take up a activity together.. father/daughter bike rides, nature walks, anything that involves being more active.
Just a thought.

I like this response. The reality is that she WILL be judged on her appearance. Tell her she is beautiful to you - that will mean a lot. But don't let her think that getting fat is OK too - because we all know it is slippery slope - i.e. the reason we are on here. Encourage good habits, encourage exercise and encourage her to read packages of food before she eats them - that has changed the way my 10 and 8 year old look at food.
Grandma could have said it nicer - BUT it is nothing that she is not going to hear at school if someone she loves is saying it to her. Help her fix it now....she will REALLY appreciate your support and remember to tell her how pretty she is to you!

rebelate

Call her grandmother, and have a little chat.

Then, I would have a talk with your daughter about her own body image, and try talking about the word "fat." Does she think fat just means big, or does she associate it with lazy, sloppy, disgusting, not beautiful? I would explain that size, and health don't always go hand in hand, and size and beauty don't always go hand in hand.

I think you handled it wonderfully. No child should ever have to worry about their body. I would have killed to have a supportive father like you at that age.

I hope you can get this sorted out.

KathleenMurry

First off - Grandma is a B***. I hope she's the mom's mom and not your mom because then I feel sort of bad. No wait, I don't!

If you notice your daughter is gaining weight and she is getting upset about it, there really isn't anything "right" to say. Just keep being supportive and positive BUT It's not up to a 9 year old to make herself fat or thin - it's up to the parents. Her weight is in your hands. You buy the groceries and prepare the meals. You make her lunches for school. You enroll her in activities (or don't). The best thing you can do for her is lead by example, keep junk food out of the house and make sure she has an active lifestyle. And also tell Grandma to butt out!

My mom was always concerned about health and weight as I grew up but she never said a word about it to me. She made sure we never had pop, sugary snacks, sugary cereal etc in the house. Fast food was a treat. She made sure I had a winter sport and a summer sport so I was active all year round. All 5 of us kids stayed fit (until one of my brothers and my sister moved out and went to uni).

fbmandy55

My great Grandma was like this. She was very hard on my aunt's when they were young. She believed the women were meant to care for children, live in clean fancy houses and eat like birds to keep their figure.



I remember an episode of Mad Men when the stay at home wives asked a divorce neighbor lady where she walked to, not realizing that walking is exercise. For many decades, women were told to eat very little and not exercise. Thus, the number of fat old ladies we have today or women who have destroyed their metabolism by under
eating.

It's really important to keep her body image alive and not let her think she needs to look like women in magazines, who do not look like that in real life anyway. Maybe get her to do some kind of sport with you? Go play tennis, sign up to do an all ages mud-run and train together? Plan and try healthy meals together? Something of the sort.

My mom was judgmental about weight. Though I now know her intentions, it pissed me off all of my childhood and I rebelled.

SlimSumday

Yup, grandma needs a talking to.

mdstodden

You did good, dad. I'm with everyone else- please have a talk with grandma about the "fat" comment, find out her perspective on the situation, and let her know it obviously affected your daughter in a self-esteem deflating way. A 9 year-old child should not be concerned about weight issues. Living a healthy lifestyle is far more important than being "skinny."

Also, if I may suggest a documentary that might help show your daughter how the media skews images: it's called Miss Representation. I don't recall there being anything in it that she shouldn't see, but you might want to view it first to make sure. It might help her understand that what she sees on tv and in magazines is not reality. (Something even we as adults sometimes forget...)

Good luck!

FitCanuckChick

You buy the groceries and prepare the meals. You make her lunches for school. You enroll her in activities (or don't). The best thing you can do for her is lead by example, keep junk food out of the house and make sure she has an active lifestyle.

Just remember - kids outside playing is a fantastic and free activity. I will take my kids to the park and set up "obstacle courses" for a fun activity. There are elements of running, climbing and competing involved - they LOVE it. And, they get an extra jolt of activity too.

danasings

I hope you called grandma and told her she won't be spending any more time with her granddaughter.


You handled it well with your daughter. You really need to have a conversation with that grandmother, though. She needs to be put in her place.

I agree with this 110%.

crimsoncat

Here's a few websites that may help: http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/talk/body_image.html and http://www.womenshealth.gov/body-image/kids/

Rachelphobia

As everyone else is already saying- you handled it well and talk to Grandma.

To add a bit of personal experience- my father pressured me to lose weight and actualy forced me to use an eliptical everyday starting about your daughters age. Ironically enough i also had a grandmother who liked to point out that i wasnt a skinny kid.I ended up developing an eating disorder by the time I was 12.

ENCOURAGE healthy choices. But never force them on someone. Spend time with your daughter outside. Throw a frisbee, go to the park, go to a festival, etc. Also keep in mind that some people gain a bit of weight before hitting puberty. My brothers and sisters all got a bit chubby and then shot up to be tall and thin.

mommy3457

I think you did a great job! At her age, she could just be gaining baby fat in order to grow. I would definitely have a talk to her grandma.

xoxolindseym

Oh my.. as everyone else requested, have a talk with grandma.

Growing up, none of the adults in my family said anything about my weight but my brothers sure found it fun to tease me. It honestly wrecked my self esteem and paved the way for a whole lotta self-destruction. I couldn't ever imagine my grandma (may she rest in peace) saying I was fat or anything. It would crush me.

I like the idea of you two doing fun stuff together like walks or bike rides. Maybe pack a healthy picnic and go for a walk in the park and talk about nutrition without bringing up weight.

Good luck, dad! In my opinion, you handled it wonderfully. :flowerforyou:

DizzieLittleLifter

YOU handleded it fine. Shame on grandma! With my daughters I compliment them a lot. Not on physical things, but their strengths. I tell my 7 year old "wow you are such a great runner!" My older daughter is (11) she's very comfortable with her body and intey believe it's because I put such a big focus on other things. "Wow I really love the language you use when writing"... Etc. girls have it so hard and the biggest and best thing you can do is show them you love them and build them up. You are a good daddy.